Big Efforts

I am making a big effort to do more nothing. More "Me" time. I'm splurging on another small glass of cognac and just lit my new outdoor candle. It's funky, I'm digging it. I'm thinking about doing some reading while the dogs are curled up next to me. I'm sick of just wasting my nights on crappy TV.

While out shopping the other day I ran across a really cool CD. It's called "Cabernet, Jazz from the Wine Bar". I listened to some samples and loved it. It is mellow, yet catchy and soothing. I'm changing in my old age, it is strange. Anyway, I think I'm going to play it to complete the ambiance I've got going on over here.

Herbs & Geraniums

On the more boring side of my life, here is a picture of my Dill & Cilantro herb pot that is now out of control in just 4 weeks (from seeds), and my beautiful Geraniums. (Thanks Mrs. A!)

I didn't end up going to bed until about 4:30 am this morning, then I got this really excited call from my mom at 9 am, exclaiming news about some upcoming sale. LOL! So much for sleeping in.

What I Want

Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*

I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.

I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.

I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.

I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.

The Dance of Anger

The evening was nice with mom. We ate Mexican food and then did a little girl shopping, something I've only started doing of late. I think I've bought more stuff for myself in the last few months than I have in YEARS. I need to chill, though, I'm running low on funds and starting to stress out. In the grand scheme of things, it has only been about $100 worth of stuff in a few months, but I still feel guilty for spending money on myself when I'm struggling financially.

These are my new chili pepper lights, which are cool as hell, but a total unnecessary purchase. Little things make me happy though. Then there is my necessary purchase to deal with my anger issues, as recommended reading from my therapist, "The Dance of Anger".

I'm just kicking back now relaxing, trying to decide whether to go to bed or not.

Annoying My Mother

Friday. Thank you!

Going to party with my mama tonight. Dinner and shopping. I did a quick tan at lunch and had the best teriyaki EVER. That's the picture, along with my new indoor tanning lotion (I know, I know) and me sniffing it because it smells so good. I'll post more later when it is not annoying my mother, like it is right now. 

Maybe

This was sent to me today and it really touched me. I didn't find it cheesy, but thought provoking. Thought I would share.

MAYBE...

 Maybe . . . 
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . .
when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . .
it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . .
the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . .
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .
you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe . . .
there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . .
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . . 
you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . .
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . .
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . .
happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . .
you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . .
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . .
you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

The stuff I've been buying.

Remember the black "swim dress" I ordered? Well, I ordered the size I usually order just before vacation, and when it came, it was really big on me, but did fit, so I took it with me. When I tried to swim in it, it was funny because it was just falling off of me all over the place. This made me happy knowing I had lost weight. When I got back home, I decided to send it back and get a smaller size. I figured the next size down, or maybe 2 sizes down would be perfect, but they discontinued the item in those sizes and my only choice was 4 sizes smaller. I almost didn't do it, but I went ahead and made the exchange thinking that it would just motivate me to lose more weight, and summer was over with for this year anyway. Well, the new smaller swim dress arrived the other day and it took me two days to open it and try it on. I was prepared to laugh at myself, then cry. BIG SURPRISE, IT FIT! OMG. I can't believe it. I am 4 sizes smaller. Who knew? Especially after all the steak and shrimp I've been eating.

So, I am a little giddy about that. I don't feel like I've lost 4 sizes, but I'm not arguing. Now I want to shop for MORE clothes. My mom told me last night that she really wants me to concentrate on "me" right now. I don't want to disobey my MOM, now do I? LOL!  I did order my "fiesta tropical chili pepper lights" and some "Coffee Bean" espresso online, but that didn't cost very much at all. I'm going to have to save up for more clothes.

On a different note, I have something on my mind that I can't talk to anyone on the planet about. Which sucks. It is not good nor bad. It is just for me only. OK, I talk to God about it, but no one else. It is perplexing and can evoke emotion, yet it is not tangible or predictable. (OK, that was random.)

Last on the list here is that the book "The Shack" I told you I was listening to; well, it is really good so far. I actually went and picked up a copy of the book itself, and when I went to pay for it in the Costco line, it created quite the discussion. First, the clerk helping people unload their carts remarked immediately exclaiming, "That is the best book I've ever read!", then the woman behind me said something similar, and all of a sudden there was about 15 people talking about how this book changed the way they lived their lives. DANG. I'm not even close to finishing it yet, but I can't wait to see what the commotion is about. I'll keep you posted. So far, I am very intrigued by it. Many people call it a "Christian" book or a religious novel, but I really wouldn't say that so far. I think no matter what you do or don't believe, this story may have an effect on you. Just a hunch.

Coffee, Dreams & Book Ideas

Coffee, I need COFFEE.

With the bizarre dreams I've been having, I've almost come up with an idea for a book. My dreams lately have had PLOTS. Is that weird?

No headache and no kidney pain this morning, only the pain of the commute.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better now, but I slept most of the day, so now I'm wide awake.

The doctor said my recent headaches were most likely either a hormonal imbalance or barometric pressure changes from our sporadic weather. I guess some other people in the area have been experiencing the same problems. She is not worried about my kidneys either because I recently had a CT scan and an ultrasound that showed no abnormalities, and if it was a kidney infection, Aleve would not have helped the pain much. The pain I did have was probably "cramps" disguised as kidney pain. So, whew!

My mom (bless her heart) drove all the way up here and brought me dinner and kept me company for the evening. I kept her up so late that I made her spend the night.

All is well and I'll be back to the salt mines tomorrow. Goodnight.  I hope!

Unexplained Pain

I stayed home from work today. I'm in pain. I'm battling one of my headaches and have unexplained kidney pain. I don't think it is kidney stones, it is more of a dull ache, rather than an intense, crazy pain that makes you roll on the floor in agony. You DON'T want kidney stones, OMG.

I hardly EVER take sick days, because I just sit around sick and worrying about my job like a freak. It is beautiful outside of course and I'm chewing ibuprofen and lying on the heating pad.

I have no one to whine to except the internet right now, so deal with it.

Possible Coffee Stand Names

If I move to Texas: "CrazyDogMama's Coffee Corral"
If I move to California: "CrazyDogMama's Bean and Beach"

If I stay in Washington: "CrazyDogMama's Candlelight Coffee Cozy"

Brainstorming here. I wanted to get in on one of the "Coffee Bean" franchises that I liked so much in California, but they don't sell individual franchises. Fuckers. You have to buy a minimum of 9. Well, I'll just have to pay off the Lamborghini first. HA.

If I stay in WA, I may have to just write because coffee stands are about every 3 feet here. Seriously. There is no point. It is getting close to that scenario in California, but the baristas there still don't understand the art of coffee making like us Seattleites do, so I think I could capitalize. I have a great chocolate sauce recipe that I could use for mochas, you see, and people will go nuts for it! I know it! What would I write? Don't know. How to go insane in 9 months?

Sleeping Fuzzy & Bizarre Dreams

I hate it when I wake up just before my alarm goes off. Gah! Let me tell you, I have some BIZARRE freaking dreams. I have NO IDEA where I get this stuff. I'm not going to post details about this one but trust me when I tell you it was a doozy.

So, what do you do when you have 20 minutes left to lay in bed, but you can't fall back asleep? You blog and take a pic of a sleeping fuzzy.

Food, Drink & Yoda Ears

When you don't know what to blog about, post pics of food, drink and doggies.

This is BBQ chicken marinated in Jack Daniels and other good stuff, me holding a glass of Remy Martin, and cute Lou sleeping at my feet. I love it when his ears droop to the sides and he looks like Yoda. Cracks me up.

The Governor of Texas is Kinda Hot

I'm poopy today. Depressed. Something new for me. I'm curled up in a little ball trying to keep warm with the Crackberry. Even going tanning, my tan is fading and I'm looking less and less like a California girl. Back to looking like I live in a Batcave. I just ate a whole bunch of cookies. Not good. Shit.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. There are many ways I could go. Some doors get slammed in your face (especially me) but there are other doors opening? Maybe? Maybe Texas is where I'm supposed to go? I don't know anyone there. Talk about scary. Facing a new world like that. But it could be really, really good. I thought about what kind of work I would enjoy. I want to be my own boss. I don't want anyone telling me when I can and can't blog. LOL. I actually thought about something interesting. Owning my own coffee stand. I would be good at it, and, well, you know how I feel about coffee. Then once that was running smoothly, I could write.

Just getting some thoughts out. Sidenote, I just noticed the Governor of Texas is kinda hot. Hehe.

The News

Got up at 3 am (why fight it?) and have been watching hurricane coverage. What's even more interesting is the little news ticker at the bottom of the page, and the comments Russia is making to us about our involvement in Georgia. Anyway, I'm going to lay back down and try to get some rest.

Rain, Thunder & Plan B

Sitting on my patio in the rain listening to thunder thinking about my anger issues. That's what I'm doing. LOL. I finally bought a book my therapist has been trying to get me to read forever to deal with my repressed anger. It hasn't arrived yet, but it's weird, I never really thought I was angry, I thought I was sad. It is always interesting to get an unbiased opinion from someone who has been listening to your BS.

In other news, it looks like Plan B is going to go into effect, my mom isn't going to budge on the California house. Do you think I'll make a good cowgirl y'all? Yeehaw! I do look rather cool in a cowboy hat. HA. They do have awesome storms there to watch, which excites me. Oh, and also, pray for the people about to get bashed by Gustav. It sounds like it's going to be just terrible.

Early Sunday

I am up at 4:30 am on a Sunday. This is completely and utterly WRONG. What is wrong with me? Thank the Lord for the internet. It is so quiet right now; all I can hear is the fountain in my backyard.

Scratch that, serenity over, frigging dogs are barking. Idiots. I woke them up, and mama doesn't get up this early, it must be the boogie man, so time to bark. ARG. I have no idea what to do today. Maybe I'll just make it a relax day since I've been running chaotic this week. Yeah! That's what I'll do! Nothing! Problem solved.

I'll leave a candle burning for you.

There has been much loss in my life. Not just the death of family members, but other things in my life that I cannot discuss here. There has also been a loss of myself, in some ways. I'm leaving a candle burning for hope. I'm leaving a light on in the darkness to show the way; my own little light that hasn't quite completely burned out yet. I'll leave a candle burning for you, too.

A Surf & Turf Feast!

I'm feeling better now and ready for a feast! Here's my scampi and steak. I make the scampi with lemon, crushed garlic, butter, pepper and parmesan. Easy!

I did a little cleaning and FINALLY unpacked my suitcase. LOL. I've been a little unmotivated. Just a tad. I never used to be this way, I used to be on the ball about everything. Guess I just have a bad attitude anymore. Oh well.

Migraine Hell

It has been an especially lovely morning. I woke up with a migraine from HELL. I don't get them often, but when I do, they make me sick to my stomach and I can't see. I am just now getting over it and finally have an appetite. I didn't get home until 9:30 pm last night, so cooking my nice meal was just not happening that late. I'll be having steak and scampi tonight! Yay! I love me some good food. My mom is coming over, so I know she will like that.

I'm still in the doghouse for those of you who have been asking. I'll write more later, gotta straighten up the house for company.

My life told in cell phone pics.

The pictures tell the tale of my errands and my life. Grab some popcorn.

First, we have angry CrazyDogMama. Why is she angry? Well, some people are deliberately mean, and I don't like that. The picture kind of makes me giggle though, I look like I want to knife someone.

Second is how close I got to park in front of Costco. That is unprecedented for me and cured the anger for about 45 seconds.

Third, I bought my first "book on CD" because I haven't had time to read, but I sure do drive a lot. This book "The Shack" came very highly recommended to me by several people.

There you have it. I actually am doing a late dinner tonight and I may take a pic. Just so you know.

Ready for the Weekend

I can't tell you how much GLEE I have now that this sucky week is over. Gah. I was the very last one to leave work today. Everyone left early, wasn't that nice of them? HA. Shit rolls downhill as you know.

Anyway, off to get my broken nail fixed, run some errands and fight the start of holiday weekend traffic. Sound like fun? Is anyone doing anything fun this weekend? I'll be cleaning. Joy.

Organizer

My "organizer". Does it not make you cringe? It makes me nuts. I have some serious cleaning and organizing to do this weekend. Hole, will you come clean my fridge? I'll make it worth your effort. I heard you are really good at it!

I need these.

Surfing Lessons?

I dreamed about a new life last night, and my brain apparently thinks I'm still 20. I dreamed that I decided to take surfing lessons. Um, YEAH, RIGHT. I tried that once. Disaster. I liked the hanging out with buff bronze surfer dudes, but again, YEAH, RIGHT. I would like to hang out at the beach, though.

Never give up.

I'm beat. Relaxing at my mom's house for a few minutes after picking her up from the airport and badgering her about the house. I'm not giving up!

"Plan A" and "Plan B"

So, remember I told you about needing a big change in my life, or I will go insane? Here are the ideas. "Plan A" is moving into my grandparent's house in Cali (sort of an early inheritance) instead of selling it, as long as my mom approves, which I don't know if she does yet. This is my first choice because I'd love to keep the home in the family (I grew up there), I love the pool and the area, it's close to Disneyland and the ocean, and of course it's paid for. It needs remodeling, but not having a mortgage would rock my world! I also have friends and some family there I don't know very well and there are a ton of jobs in my industry just down the street. I'm needing a warmer climate, and I'm already used to earthquakes.

If my mom doesn't like that idea, there is now a "Plan B". Florida is out because of hurricanes, and I don't like Nevada or Arizona, they don't have enough job opportunity for me. So, after some research that I actually did long ago, San Antonio, Texas could be Plan B. It is too far inland for much hurricane damage; it rarely gets tornados or earthquakes, and it is a pretty area with housing I can afford. I was looking online at realtor.com, and for double the house plus a pool, I can get a cheaper mortgage than I am paying up here living in a tiny house in the boonies that doesn't even have a fireplace. The climate is definitely warm, the "River Walk" is cool, and they have a Six Flags. There are also many jobs in my industry in the surrounding areas. I've never been to Texas, but I've been told San Antonio is one of the nicest areas if I'm going to live in Texas. There is a con, though. I will be best friends with the Orkin man. ME NO LIKE BUGS. Especially spiders.

So that's it in a nutshell. I want to move, and I hope Plan A works out, but I'm putting together some backup plans.

Spider Monkey on Crack

Good morning? UG. I woke up late. Have you ever seen a spider monkey on crack? That was me this morning. I need to figure out how to not be running ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY. I don't even have kids! OMG can you imagine? LOL. I have to work late again I'm sure, then run to pick my mom up from the airport. I've got her dog with me right now and we're flying down the highway (I won't say how fast) to get her home then me to work. Funny how I had time to stop for coffee, though. HA. (That's how I'm blogging, sitting in line.)

Rack of Lamb in Mongolian Sauce

OK, hunger won out. Here is the rack of lamb (BBQ'd) in my homemade Mongolian sauce with lots of steamed asparagus. There was also salad with tomato, zucchini, green onion, radishes, blue cheese and garlic croutons in a balsamic vinaigrette that I didn't take a picture of. OMG, it was so good! Are you jealous?

Worst Wife in the World

Mother of all hell!

I wasn't prepared for my wedding anniversary tonight and feel like crap about it. With my grandfather dying yesterday, running around nuts trying to help my mother with funeral arrangements, airline reservations, and work exploding into chaos where I have to be there late and can't even find the time to pee, I spaced it until yesterday and couldn't really do anything worthwhile to prepare. Maybe I'm the worst wife in the world, or maybe I'm losing it, I don't know, but I do feel like shit. Jim got me a really nice gift and I thought I would just postpone things until the weekend, but I think he's upset. I guess I deserve it.

We got into it (over non-related topics), but the lamb dinner may be shot in the ass. I'm having cognac for dinner at the moment. Fuck. Somebody kill me. I can't do anything right anymore.

Booze Snob

Busy, Busy today. I'll update more a little later, having lamb chops for dinner and I will of course be taking a pic of the masterpiece. I will also be having after-dinner cognac again, because I think that is my new thing. Look at me all sophisticated! Probably moving towards alcoholism, but whatever. I'm already a food snob and a coffee snob, so why not a booze snob too?

Summer is officially over.

I think summer is officially over here. It's been cold, rainy and dark the last 4 mornings. I'm keeping the tan, damnit. What happened to Indian Summers? Did we even have a Summer? I was over so quick, I think I blinked and missed it. Washington.

I do love Fall, though. It's actually my favorite season. I just kind of feel like we skipped a season, that's all, and I don't like feeling jipped. Maybe I'm just still in California mode in my head and don't want to let it go, I don't know. I'll stop complaining now.

Remy Martin

Here's to you, Papaw! My grandpa LOVED Remy Martin VSOP Cognac. It was his absolute favorite. So, I decided to get some, and now I'm toasting to him, to all the wonderful memories we had together. He made my summer visits to California so special. He was a special man. He was not my biological grandfather, but I could not have picked out a better one. I hope he is resting in peace, he was a good husband, a good father, a good grandfather and a good man.

I love you, Papaw.

My grandpa died today. I have very little family left. I got the call at work from my very distressed mom who is still in California. I am extremely sad, as I was very close to my grandpa when I was young. Usually, I can maintain composure until I can get to the bathroom corner, but when someone else is crying, I start crying. Immediately.

So, there I was blubbering at my desk. I'm sure everyone thinks I am an emotional trainwreck after the year I've had. No one knows what to say to me anymore. Of course, our seriously critical crunch-time started today at work, so I had to stay. It's probably best I keep busy right now anyway.

I love you Papaw. You were the best grandpa in the world. Rest in Peace.

What I miss most about vacation.

You know what I miss most about vacation (besides everything)? Taking my time. Waking up and going out on the little balcony from the bedroom to watch the sun come up, taking my time getting ready and trying different hairstyles, making breakfast, lounging on the patio at night not worrying about how much sleep I'm going to get, that sort of thing. Not being in a rush for everything.

This morning? Alarm almost makes me fall out of bed, which makes the dogs cough-bark, which makes me scream shut up for 15 minutes while I'm running off of 3 hours sleep on the hunt for a clean pair of underwear. I run out the door with wet hair, starving. Grab a coffee at my favorite stand, vibrating my leg wildly in impatience at the car in front of me who is ordering what seems like 50 coffees, while I blog and check my emails on the Crackberry.

Happy Tuesday. :-)

Dog Coughing

I think my poor dogs caught my cough. They are hacking their furry little heads off! Is that possible? It sounds so pathetic; I feel so bad. The vet said to not worry, but I am anyways. Poor little things.

No cavities!

Thunder and lightning storms are fun to watch, but they do nothing for traffic. Dentist appointments suck too. Ouch! But still no cavities, Hooray!

Let Me Explain

OK, I have completely freaked everyone out. I'm sorry. What I meant by "I'm done" is not suicide or ceasing blogging. It just meant that my brain has checked out and I'm going numb or crazy or whatever. (Not that that's much better.) The bad news will not stop coming in and I'm clinically depressed, so I just vent on my blog. It is the only outlet I have. I guess I better watch it, though, huh?

I have never dealt with so much at one time, and I have never been at such a crossroads in my life. If you were to walk a mile in my emotional shoes, you would understand. Thank you, dear readers, for your concern and support. Your comments and emails mean a lot and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just pray for me, that I can keep it together. I'm trying.

A Repeat of Monday's Mood

I'm feeling like I might be done. I don't know. Here's to you, LIFE, double!

Sick & Tired

I'm sick of being awake all night. I'm also sick of being sad all the time. No amount of therapy helps, sorry. I can talk about things until I'm blue in the face, and it doesn't make any difference. My plan is good, and I'm going to do it, but it seems so far away. Will it work? Will it make me happy? What do I do in the meantime? How do I make it through each day?

It isn't chocolate cake, but it works.

Just because I'm pissy and want chocolate does NOT mean it is that time of the month, so STOP asking. I'm pissy and wanting chocolate for entirely different reasons.

I'm bored and full now and screwed myself for getting any kind of good night's sleep with my all-day nap. Crap.

My Current Mission

It's raining and humid and dark. I've been sleeping ALL day. Literally. I woke up in a tizzy wanting chocolate cake RIGHT now. I don't know why. I don't just want it; I somehow NEED it. It is some sort of a massive craving that won't go away. It has to be chocolate, not some other lame flavor. I'm a raving lunatic right now scouring the house for anything resembling chocolate cake, and I'm not finding anything. NOTHING. I don't think that I have the patience to make a cake from scratch, and it would take too long to drive to the store and back, and then make the damn cake, so forget that. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Are my hormones out of whack? The struggle is real. Is there a cake store around here? I wonder if the neighbor has cake mix that I could buy from him. Probably not, he's skinny and male.

That is my current mission, and I don't think I can talk anymore until I get it.

Tanning & Coffee

OK, now that I'm done flipping everyone off, I'll tell you about my dumb day. Obviously, I'm not in a good way right now. When I woke up this morning, I was insanely grumpy. That is actually a little bit of an understatement, but whatever.

I noticed my tan was fading and I CAN'T HAVE THAT, so I surrendered to "Sultan Glo Tan". I know. It will have to do. How bad could it be? I also made an impulse buy (sunglasses) because on the way I realized I was braless and had no makeup on. It's OK to show the internet, though, which makes no sense. I've never claimed to make sense, though, so there is that.

After tanning, I went to "Vinaccio's", my local coffee joint and got the biggest iced mocha they were prepared to make. I've been surviving on coffee. Also, here is the new blue top I bought before my California trip that I basically live in. That is all.

Today's Mood

My Monday mood. Just so you know.

My Grandpa

I just got word that my grandpa is going to die. I am devastated. I love him so much; he is such a great grandpa. He taught me how to play chess, he told me the BEST pirate stories and let me play (carefully) with his authentic pirate sword from the Carribean. He taught me how to dive and hold my breath under water, and about all the constellations in the sky. He helped me with my math. This will be my fourth family member loss in less than a year. I don't think I can take much more.

I am also very, very worried about my mom. She is just too overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much right now, for so many reasons. It literally aches. I need my "Plan A" to expedite ASAP so I can try to be happy in this life, it won't last forever. I think I'm going to guzzle the rest of my codeine cough syrup and just pass out for the evening.

Please pray for my mom and I. God help us.

CrazyDogMama in OC?

I know, I don't exactly fit the profile there, but I could really shake things up, don't you think? I could get Juice's T-shirt and wear it out on the town. It says, "OMG STFU." LOL!

Seriously though, I think reinventing my life is going to be the best thing EVER! I'm nervous and psyched all at the same time. Hole said she wants to come and live with me and rent a room. How fun would that be? Come on down, girlie! I'm not going to skinny dip with you, though. Unless I have too much Tequila.

It seems so simple, yet it is not. There are many things (and people) to consider, and I don't want to make any (more) wrong steps. I've done my share of that. I need the planets and the stars to align, and a sign from God that this is the right move, and if it isn't, what is? Something to focus on, to look forward to, to dream about and put the details to, is helping to pull me back up. I need this. I really, really need this right now.

Crazy Enchilada Night

Preview from crazy enchilada night last night. Let's just say it was hard to get up this morning.

Death Warmed Over

Believe it or not, I am actually feeling better today. I may be over my bronchitis (for the most part), but my soul is still sicker than ever. This must be dealt with. It's important that I don't resemble death incarnate. Which is exactly what I look like in this picture. Just give me a black hooded robe and a scythe, and I'm good to go. Bah. The plan, the plan, work on the plan! That reminds me of "Fantasy Island", haha! "Da plane, da plane!" I crack myself up.

Enchilada night is coming up with the girls tomorrow (woohoo!), so I'm hoping they can pull some sunshine out of my butt. If they can't NO ONE can! LOL.

The Plan

I don't have all the details yet, of course, because it is a new plan. Duh. But I need to get out of here. Out of state. The fact that I came home from vacation and felt the black cloud envelop me almost immediately is a sign that something is very, very wrong. Another duh. Nichole was right, I've been in some sort of a black vortex, and therapy alone isn't working.

I used to think that I loved the rain and the dark and all, but the truth is, it just makes me isolate and hide and sleep all day. There are reasons beyond reasons why I need a big change like this, but I need to shake my world up and get a fresh start. Or I'm going to die. It's as simple as that. Stress, depression, anxiety, they are killers. I'm not "running from my problems", I'm just realizing a need for a big change, something I've always been so afraid of doing. (Moving out of state away from everything I know.) I don't know where this will leave my marriage. I just don't know, and I don't want to speculate right now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well, I'm tired of that. And really? What's the big deal? I'm not a pussy, so I need to get up off my damn ass. All I need to do is finish up my job. I'm going to be talking to mom about the house in California. I don't know how far I'll get with that, but that is where I'm going to start since I love it there. If that doesn't work out, well, I guess I come up with a plan B. I know this is what I'm supposed to do, because it broke my funk, and I'm feeling so much better, even physically! The coughing has slowed down today and I'm eating.

Never really thought I'd EVER be thinking this way, I thought I would live here forever. It is kind of weird but feels really good. Something to look forward to, something to get my adrenaline pumping, which I love. Why would I have adrenaline? Because it's the unknown. Flying by the seat of my pants. Don't know what to expect. My therapist likes the idea, I went to see her today. I'll keep you posted on how things develop. Lots of planning to do. Even the planning is getting me excited and putting color back into my face. Who knew?

Catch you later, I've got enchiladas and cosmos to devour at Juice's house.

I am going to apologize now for this post.

I have been fairly upbeat for the last few weeks, and it was due time for a meltdown. Now remember, I have issues and I don't choose meltdowns, they choose me. I have also been out of therapy for 3 weeks, I just got back from vacation, I'm sick and pretty much everything is one big crapcake.

Right now, I am sitting in a McDonald's parking lot by myself wondering if ordering food will just be a waste of time and money. It was about an hour drive here from where I was, and I spent a large portion of that bawling my freaking eyes out. You know, the kind of crying where you are wailing incomprehensible words to no one while snot bubbles are rolling down your face and you know you will have a headache when you are done? Yeah. Scary. I wore myself out and made myself cough more. Smart I am. Sometimes I lose all hope and faith in everything, like what the fuck is the point in ANYTHING. I like NOTHING, I have NOTHING to look forward to, everyone go to hell and leave me alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to play, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Yeah, I'm healthy.

At least I'm not like this EVERY day, right? Juice and Hole, I promise to be better for enchiladas tomorrow, OK? Don't worry, I'm WAY past the contagious part of my dying.

Dude, I am so sick.

I haven't eaten for two days, and when I tried to eat, it came back up, I'm hacking up weird shit LOUDLY and I can't sleep because when I lay down it sends me into coughing fits. The codeine cough syrup is great, but I can't take it when driving or working. I have no days off I can take because I used them all. I can't go home and sleep because I have a commitment to one of those market research thingies tonight that pays you cash. Need to go to that, but it is 3 FUCKING hours long. That means I won't be getting home until after 10pm. Awesome.

Yogagirl says Whooping Cough is going around. Great. That's just great. I should probably go to the doctor, huh? I'm a little stubborn with that. They won't do anything and charge me up the Ying Yang.

My computer screen is kind of blurry, so if I type something weird, you'll know I'm falling over. Oh, and did I mention the dizziness? Yeah. Also, it is DOWNPOURING right now and I have no coat and I'm wearing flip flops.

If you don't unpack, you are still on vacation.

I haven't even fully unpacked yet because that would finalize my vacation. I know that's weird. I don't want to fall back into the depression pit, I'm fighting it. Sometimes I wish one of my grandmas were alive, or that I had an old wise mentor to go have coffee with who could help me figure things out. My therapist is great, but you know what I mean, someone who has all that life experience who could point me in the right direction and tell me everything will be OK.

I need cough syrup and food.

I made it through the workday, barely. I need some cough syrup BAD. Everyone wants my tan, but not my job. LOL.

I haven't eaten all day and I'm STARVING, and my friends have informed me I'm going back to the gym Wednesday, sick or not. I actually lost 2 lbs. on vacation if you can believe that!

It was 100 degrees Saturday and raining, and 60 degrees today. Neat.

Polka Dot Blouse

I almost forgot to show you my new polka dot blouse. It's pretty.

Is it too much to ask?

Back to work. Hip, hip, hooray. Can you hear the enthusiasm? Here is me commuting. I have lost the sparkle in my eyes, I forgot how hard it is to come back from vacation. Is it too much to ask to be on permanent vacation? Geez.

I did not TRY to look so pitiful; I swear. My face just reflects my mood naturally apparently, and I look like a lost little puppy who needs a forever home. LOL. At least my hair looks decent today, and not all over the damn place like an out-of-control mop. The sun lightened it up quite a bit, too.

Lightning Storm!

I ACTUALLY caught some lightning strikes with my crappy Crackberry camera! I am very excited about it, although now that I think about it, holding a metal device up in the air during an electrical storm is probably not the best idea. Oh well, I don't care. Look how cool!

It was quite a show, I can't even remember the last time we had this kind of lightning, where you can see the strikes from the ground up. I know I've beat this horse into the ground, but the weather just keeps getting more and more extreme. We rarely have these kinds of storms, plus we had snow in April this year, and flip-flopping temperatures, sometimes going from 30 to 80 in a couple of days. Pretty bizarre if you ask me. Just sayin'.

If you're in the area, I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am!

Want to hear my cough?

I knew you did. I recorded it so you would believe me on how insane it is. You can hear me eight miles away. Sorry, there is no picture, but believe me, it's gross anyway, you don't want to watch me cough up a loogie. Guys, try to control yourselves, this is SUPER sexy. You will want me immediately. I wonder if anyone else in the entire world blogs a video of their cough. I seriously may be the only one. It's probably a good thing. I've lost my mind. Completely. Enjoy!

No excitement.

Well, I was hoping for excitement, but nope. There will be none of that here. The codeine cough syrup knocks me for a loop, so I've been in and out of it. Currently I'm sitting out in the pseudo-sun getting in lots of liquids (water not booze) so that I will be alive for work tomorrow. I have cleaning and laundry and dishes and unpacking to do, but I'm just not up to it at the moment being all pie-eyed. The best I can muster up is looking through clothes catalogs wanting everything. I know I just bought a bunch of stuff before my trip, but I have a void to fill now, don't you understand? LOL!

Watching the Sky

We are currently having a fantastic lightning and thunderstorm! It woke me up at 4 am, but I'm still laying here in bed at 6:45 am, but I can still hear and see out my bedroom window. I Just don't want to get up. The dogs are sacked out, and I'm just watching the sky and daydreaming. Storms put me in a certain state of mind, and mood. Thunder to me is like the voice of God. I'm not kidding, you can find that in the Bible!

Full Moon

Full moon tonight, did I shave my legs? AAAHHOOOOO! I've officially lost it.

Washington Sunsets

Washington sunsets aren't too shabby either. A beautiful night. I have to say, though, as much fun as Cali is, the air quality sucks. I LOVE the fresh air here.

Codeine Cough Syrup

Finally feeling a little better, I found some codeine cough syrup in my medicine cabinet. Expired exschmired, I'm chuggin' it!

I took an ice-cold shower, slathered myself in my new jasmine body lotion and then sat in the sun for a little while trying to enjoy the last of my days off. I've been listening to Glenn Miller (swing music) and Louie Armstrong for a nice mellow, calming atmosphere. (If I'm not acting 12, I'm acting 80.) Now I just need a dance partner! I'm going to light my candles when it gets dark and just chill out. I need to order those chili pepper lights and tiki torches!

My tan is looking awesome! I'm so thrilled! I will make everyone jealous at work. I also have some Aveda "points" to cash in so I can get my hair foiled with a gift certificate. Nothing like being super blonde and tan! Ha.

Gurgle-Breathing and Crying

OMG, I think I'm dying. It is over 100 degrees here, and have I mentioned I have no air-conditioning and no pool? I also cannot lay down because it makes me go into coughing fits. I'm sitting here sweating and gurgle-breathing and crying.

Home Again

We hauled some serious ass and did this trip in 20 hours! I want to die and barf up a lung, but still. We just picked up my sweet Magadog who probably thought I abandoned her forever. I'm getting lots of kisses, but she seems confused. It is strange being home. I want to go back. Maybe I'll move there. Now what am I going to blog about? I'm back to my boring life.

Driving through Oregon.

Hi Yogagirl! (Waving vigorously.)

There is something I need to understand about Oregon. Why are you forbidden to pump your own gas?

There are also hardly any gas stations open at 1 am which started to stress us out. THEN, I needed to go to the restroom and the person WOULD NOT COME OUT. I am not kidding about this. I stood there for 15 minutes while watching a small Asian boy run around in circles holding his crotch. I heard someone cough in there, so I know it wasn't empty. I left. Hope to God there is a rest stop close by.

I am coughing my fool head off. It sounds really healthy, too, like a dying chainsaw. I think I am annoying the occupants of the car. It does keep me awake, though.

WTF is a Chowchilla?

The Lost Highway. I'm getting punchy. These are my favorite names of towns, roads, etc. so far:

Weed (of course.)
Chowchilla (WTF is a Chowchilla?)
Hilt (Say "HILT!" like you are dry-heaving and it's funny. Maybe it is just me.)
Louie Road (Lou-dog!)

I also took a picture of my tongue so that I could say I was licking you, but it was too blurry. Sorry to disappoint, but just know that I am licking you in spirit. This is what straight-through driving road trips do to me. It is similar to tequila. BIG LICK!

Driving through the Grapevine.

Have I mentioned how much fun driving through the Grapevine is? So much fun that I want to jam a fork into my eye. Miles and miles of nothing.

Somebody please talk to me, for the LOVE OF GOD.

What trip would be complete without a foot pic?

Being sick on a road trip takes all the fun out of it.

Well color me surprised! It's supposed to be 97 degrees at my house tomorrow. I'll have no pool, though, so I'll have to skinny dip under the hose.