I have been fairly upbeat for the last few weeks, and it was due time for a meltdown. Now remember, I have issues and I don't choose meltdowns, they choose me. I have also been out of therapy for 3 weeks, I just got back from vacation, I'm sick and pretty much everything is one big crapcake.
Right now, I am sitting in a McDonald's parking lot by myself wondering if ordering food will just be a waste of time and money. It was about an hour drive here from where I was, and I spent a large portion of that bawling my freaking eyes out. You know, the kind of crying where you are wailing incomprehensible words to no one while snot bubbles are rolling down your face and you know you will have a headache when you are done? Yeah. Scary. I wore myself out and made myself cough more. Smart I am. Sometimes I lose all hope and faith in everything, like what the fuck is the point in ANYTHING. I like NOTHING, I have NOTHING to look forward to, everyone go to hell and leave me alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to play, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Yeah, I'm healthy.
At least I'm not like this EVERY day, right? Juice and Hole, I promise to be better for enchiladas tomorrow, OK? Don't worry, I'm WAY past the contagious part of my dying.
Cheryl? Tough love time. You do NOT sound good...and I'm not talking about your cough. It's especially not good that a vacation left you feeling "empty" rather than giving you that "lift" or "boost" that a vacation should to get you through the hard times. You should be bouncing off the walls telling everybody about what a great time you had and you could be spending your days reflecting on happy joy joy memories of your time off rather than wallowing in self pity because you have to deal with reality again. Can you talk to somebody? Get back to your therapist? Have you considered looking for the grief group counseling I talked to you about a few months ago? That unresolved loss (deaths) in your life is probably manifesting itself even without you knowing. I know being sick doesn't help your situation but you've got to start getting proactive about getting yourself out of this black vortex that you are in. We care about you. ~Nichole
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie, and I know. I actually spent ALL night thinking about how to get out this depression and what it comes down to is a big change. New scenery. My next post is going to explain the plan I am working up. Thanks for caring, and don't worry, I'm strong enough to fight my way out of the vortex - it is just going to take time, effort and determination. No one can do it for me, I have to do it myself.
ReplyDeleteha. crapcake. I love that and I will be stealing it in the future. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, love. Although those kind of cryfests can be therapeutic in part. Sometimes it just lets you get it all out and start a new page. I would have cried and then proceeded to the drive thru window and ordered two 20 pieces nuggets, four apples pies, a large fry and a diet coke b/c that's how I keep my svelte figure. 8) And I believe in a high grease diet.
Nichole is a wise girl. You've had a helluva year with so many ups and downs (way more downs than ups) and a new plan and new scenery is a great idea. I'm here to help every step of the way. I do my best mehmet wisdom with a cosmo in hand, though. Just FYI. :)
xo.
See you tonight.
Juice
i am sorry cheryl....i am not doing all that hot either. i hate everything and i get to sit at the dmv to boot. neat.
ReplyDeleteanyways i am thinking about you...see you tonight.