What I Want

Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*

I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.

I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.

I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.

I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.