Louie is mad at me.

That damn dog has been ignoring me for 4 FRIGGING DAYS. It must be the grooming thing. If not, he has decided to teach me some sort of lesson. Humans are slow learners, too, ya know? He will briefly (and I mean briefly) greet me when I come home, then he will go straight to daddy. I always go to bed before Jim, and both dogs usually lay in the bed with me for a few hours. Louie won't lay in the bed with me. He just walks down the hallway.

 
The only exception is if I have food. Then, I am the Queen. In the morning, he always sits and looks up at me while I'm getting ready. He has been laying in the front room the last few days and won't even peek his head in to make sure I have my mascara on right. I called his nickname out last night (Assbag) in a baby talk voice, but nothing. He just walked right past me to go outside and pee. Little fucker.

A new member of the "top 5".

Can you tell I'm bored today? Viggo Mortensen is the newest member of my top 5 hotties. However, that means I'll have to bump someone, or maybe I'll just have a top 6. I am not a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings series (it was OK), but I like that rugged, manly look that Aragorn (Viggo) has. You know me. He has a new movie coming out. Hidalgo? Something like that. I may just have to sit through that one! Yummy!

Watch out Aveda!

I have found yet another really yummy-smelling body wash! It's called "Thymes Ginger Milk". Oh. My. God. LOVE IT. A friend of mine got me the body wash and whipped body creme for a present, and I just used it. I *almost* sounded like that Herbal Essence freak in the shower. (You know, the chick acting like she's having an orgasm while using Herbal Essence shampoo? Gag me.)

My Funny Aunt

Out of the blue, I received a Valentine's Day card from an Aunt of mine that I have never met! It was such a great surprise! She lives in Kentucky and is in her 70's. I decided to get her # from my mom and give her a call to thank her for the card. So, last night I got to talk with her, and she is a HOOT! She was cracking me completely up! She has this great Southern accent and a quirky sense of humor. I have decided that I must go visit her! She is definitely my kind of people. She said to me, "Hunny, I live on chocolate and cashews, and so does fatty!" I found out that "fatty" is her dog. She also has a 22-year-old cat. As we talked, it was like we had known each other all of our lives. Life is strange, and unpredictable. I love it!

My Valentines Day

Hope you all had a Happy Valentines Day.

Mine? Well, not too bad. I didn't have to work at the restaurant, which was probably the best part. My in-laws came over for lunch, but my hubby cooked. My stepson was over this weekend, too, and we watched movies all night while eating lots of chocolate. (That's a requirement for Valentines Day, you know.) I got the most romantic gift EVER from Mr. CrazyDogMama. He gave me a chick-flick DVD and a BOX OF TRIPLE CHUNK BROWNIE MIX! Isn't that great? A WHOLE BOX, just for ME! :-D There was also a balloon and some peanut butter cups involved. I surprised him with a CD he totally forgot he wanted. A little lame, I know, but he loved it.

On Sunday, I taught a scrapbooking class to 10 people. My girlfriend, who hosted the class at her house, neglected to tell me that I had chocolate brownie crumbs all down the crevice of my breasts, and I was wearing a V-neck shirt. So, while I was giving my spiel, there I stood with chocolate titties. Yes, this is whose blog you're reading.

Doggies are gettin' all purdy today!

Yep, its grooming day. This is chaos at its best. I don't know how they know, but they know. I got up per usual, had my coffee, took my shower, got ready. The dogs were racing around the house panting and whining. How in GOD's good name do they KNOW? I said nothing. I didn't get the leashes out. NOTHING. They are telepathic, I swear. I wasn't acting any different than I usually do. Maybe they heard me say "groom" on the phone? Who knows.

Anyway, we got in the car. My dogs are not what you would call 'good car-riders'. They jump from the back seat to the front seat, to the floor, to the front seat, to the back seat. You get the picture. They make LOTS of noise. Louie sounds like a frigging choo-choo train with his panting. Dog hair flies around the car like a cat fight. The leashes get wrapped around me, the seats, and the levers you move the car seats with. Any beverage I take with me, gets spilled on whatever I am wearing. (You'd think I'd learn.) If I have to use the brake pedal, even a little bit, the dogs go flying. I will be investing in doggie seatbelts soon. Today, the stupid moron in front of me slammed on his brakes, then I slammed on my brakes. Then Louie did a face-plant into the heater. (He is OK, he has a head like a Stegosaurus.) Then, Louie looks at me like "Can't you drive, you stupid bitch?" No matter how much I yell "Sit! Stay! Lay down! Sit! Stop it! No! Sit!", it makes no difference. We could have graduated from the Obedience University with honors, and this would still happen. When I pull up to a stop light, people actually LAUGH. Louie likes to do the "I'm trying to dig out of the window!" routine, and apparently, this cracks people up.

When I pick them up this afternoon, I'm sure it will be revenge-city from the cute little fuzzy creatures.

The snot has taken over my brain.

So, on the way to work this morning, I was talking to my husband on my cell phone. He informed me that I took his keys instead of my keys. This means I can't get into the building I work in from the front, and I can't open my office until my boss gets there, which is a half hour after I get there. So, there I stood, in the middle of the shop floor, looking like a complete idiot. I just paced because I didn't know what to do. No computer, no desk, no place to set my coffee. We have an "audit" today, of course, so there is no time to waste. Things like this always happen to me at the most inopportune moments. I am also wearing a black cotton shirt that has dog hair all over it. How professional am I? I am surprised I didn't spill coffee on my khaki pants yet. KNOCK. ON. WOOD. Shit, I gotta find some wood first.

I got the snots.

So, I stayed home yesterday because my body decided to produce ungodly amounts of snot. Yes, that's right, I got a code. I'm hacking up my lungs, too. It's really fun. The good part, though, was getting to cuddle up with the fuzbutts all day. They LOOOVE it when dogmama is home and in bed all day. There was a lot of stretching and yawning and laying on their backs trying to weasel a belly rub out of me. I'm back to work today, to the dismay of my coworkers who get to listen to my non-stop wheezing and nose-blowing. I haven't been to the gym in two days (I knew this was going to happen) so my whole program has gone to hell this week. The only thing that sounded good yesterday was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so that is exactly what I had. There may have been a few potato chips in there too.

Anyway, I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm sure no one wants to hear about all the disgusting body functions I have going on, so, for now, adieu.

What day is it?

I get going so crazy sometimes, that I forget what day it is. I'm pretty sure its Monday because I am at work, but ffffeehh, that really doesn't mean much because I work almost every day. If I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I'm sleeping. This morning I woke up and didn't know what day it was, and I didn't even drink or anything last night! I sleep-drove to work, and here I sit, at my desk, trying to remember what I ate this weekend so that I can record it in my journal. Now, of course, I'm updating my blog and maybe around 8 or so, I'll start working. Its a good thing my boss doesn't know my blog address, huh? Oh, here's a little tidbit for the readers interested in my hair care (which is, I think, one) I have received 3 compliments on my hair since I started using my new Aveda products this weekend! CrazyDogMama LOVES compliments! Also, I've noticed that my husband sniffs my head a lot when hugging me. A girl has got to love THAT!

Is it Friday yet?

It has been a loooooong week. I have been sorting thru and editing massive amounts of paperwork, and I'm about to go insane. I think I may go run around the parking lot screaming for a few minutes.

The menu today has been less than stellar. We're talking venti nonfat iced mocha for breakfast, two, count them TWO zone bars, a half turkey sandwich on whole wheat and some green tea with soy milk in it. Somebody needs to slap me. I did go to the gym and do HIIT on the Stairmaster, and I also have to wait tables tonight for about 4 hours, so that's not too bad, I guess. I am saving up for a haircut and a foil so that I don't have to cancel my cell phone. Aveda is mighty expensive, but it is SO worth it. I also need new shampoo, conditioner, exfoliator, makeup, etc. CrazyDogMama is learning how to SAVE UP instead of impulse buying, so that she can pay her mortgage on time instead of waiting until the VERY LAST SECOND and having to pull funds from every direction. It is very, very hard. HARD, I tell you!!

Cravings

I'm craving Thai food. I need some ginger. Ginger is probably my favorite spice. That, and Cilantro. I gotta, GOTTA find some today for lunch. Being that time of the month, the cravings are out of control, and I'm bloated like a hippo. I retain so much water that my socks leave a little pattern on my ankles. I ruined my new underwear, too, by the way. It REALLY pisses me off. OK, enough. You probably could have gone through your day without me ranting about my period, huh? Yeah, well, piss off.

I need to win the Lotto.

So I can have a bunch more Cairn Terriers! I'm a glutton for punishment and cuteness.

Rule #1: Always get your puppies from a reputable breeder!

 
Rule #2: Never get a puppy less than 12 weeks old, so that they will be properly socialized and have plenty of time with their real mama.

 
Rule #3: If you want to breed dogs, get the proper education/instruction.

 
Rule #4: Never impulsively buy a puppy. Always make sure you have $$, time, space and lots and lots of patience!

 
Rule #5: Research, research, research before buying a puppy to make sure the breed is right for you and your family.

 
Rule #6: Love your puppy with all of your heart! Or you will answer to CRAZYDOGMAMA!

You know you have a problem when...

...you drive in 4th gear on the freeway because shifting into 5th gear would get in the way of your HUGE iced mocha in the cupholder.

...you would rather be late to work than skip breakfast.

...you run into the bathroom at work and stay there for 20 minutes to avoid having to visit with a mother and her new baby, or worse, to avoid having to hold the infant. *Shutter*

...you seriously consider canceling your cell phone for 2 months so you can afford to get your hair colored.

The dreaded Month

Over the course of my life so far, every really bad thing that has ever happened to me, has happened in February. I won't go into those bad things, because that is my own closet of demons, but I just wanted everyone to know that I hate this month, and I am counting down the days until it is over. So, let's focus on the positive: I am going to buy an Ella Fitzgerald CD today and get my nails done, maybe a nice shade of pink for the upcoming (stupid-frigging) Valentines Day. I hate Valentines Day. I have my reasons. I'm also thinking, maybe a nice candlelight bath. I am going to pamper myself this month, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can have the first good February. We should all live by this motto, "Treat yourself like a princess, cuz ain't no one else goin' to!"

I took a friend out to dinner last night for her birthday to a place in downtown Seattle called Marco's Supperclub. We had a fabulous time, ate great food and listened to jazz softly playing in the background. (Hence the Ella Fitzgerald CD-buying.) It was girl's night out, no Superbowl for me.

The Urinal Compromise

So my husband is busy formulating his plan for "husbandland". He is making the garage into an actual room with carpet and the like, outfitted with HDTV, surround sound, and putting in a green, and a recliner. Somewhere where he can go when I have over the "scrapbook hens" as he likes to call them. I'm OK with this, BUT, when he comes to me and says, "the neighbor can put in a urinal at cost for me", I laughed hysterically and said "ummmm, NO".

After several weeks now of constant pestering, he finally says to me "What will it take for you to let me have a urinal?" I told him I wanted to make a scrapbook of all the pictures I have of BEFORE we were married, you know, all the boyfriend pictures that I was *supposed* to throw away but am actually hiding in the closet? A deal! We struck a deal and shook on it! A little background for this. My husband is insanely jealous and possessive. He pretends I did not have any kind of a life before I met him. (Funny that this is coming from a man who was previously married.) I, on the other hand, am a picture fanatic and don't believe in EVER throwing a photograph away. I am really into photo preservation. I have no feelings for any of my ex's, that is not the point for me. I even have pictures of my husband's ex in one of my scrapbooks. I just want to scrapbook my life and write about fond memories. No one will ever look at it except me. I have no kids to leave it to. It is not that I am PROUD of some of the things I have done, I just want it documented so I can laugh, cry and remember. So, there it is. That good ol' marriage compromising crap. I wonder what kind of compromise I'll have to make to get another puppy?

Enchiladas and Neighbors

I made those EFL enchiladas again, except I used low-carb tortillas instead of corn tortillas. I told you I live on Mexican food, I can't get enough! The hotter the better! I make it so spicy that my nose runs, but it does make getting in my gallons of water for the day easier! So, we had that for dinner last night, and I made enough to take to work and have some for my first meal of the day. I know, I know, enchiladas for breakfast is weird.

My neighborhood is the freak capital of the world. I have one neighbor who is *very* pissed at her husband and is constantly coming over to vent, another neighbor who decided to have her baby in her bathtub, another neighbor who insists on telling her kids goodnight stories that the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD can hear, and a neighbor couple who decide once they get home from work, to dress-up in funky clothes and put on all of their body jewelry (nose rings, nipple rings, you name it) and sit in their garage and drink. Then there is myself who walks around the house mostly naked carrying my laptop with me wherever I go.

Cheryl Burritos

I cooked something that I came up with all by myself and it was GOOD!

My healthy burritos:

Lean ground turkey
Sugar-free catsup
Lawry's taco seasoning
La Tortilla Factory garlic & herb low-carb tortillas
green onions, chopped
cilantro - lots!
tomatoes - chopped

Brown the meat and add all ingredients. Use as much of each ingredient you want to fit your taste buds. Serve on warm tortillas with fat-free cheese and fat-free sour cream. Yummers! I think I must be part Mexican because: I eat mostly Mexican food, I speak a little Spanish, and I love Tequila. There is one more I am not going to talk about. :-D

Booooring.

Nothing interesting has happened in, like, 3 days. The Weather people can't make up their minds. It's going to snow, no its not, yes, it is, no its not. It goes on and on and on. I ate 8 pieces of pizza on free day. I fell down at work again, onto my knees, and I have bruises. It was also a sore-leg-weekend. Everyone is sick that I work with, and I'm scared to death I will get something, and it will wreck my progress so far. I'm down 7 pounds according to my trainer from early December. I'm all discombobulated today. That's about it. Sorry.

On a Roll

OK, we've seen the BIG hair, how about "rocker" hair? I did ALL the fads. I do cherish the size of my WAIST in this picture, even though it was pre-weight training. Soak it up, kids, we won't be making fun of CrazyDogMama next week.

Choke

How is my morning, you ask? I am choking on my Zone Bar. I was inhaling one a few minutes ago and forgot to grab my water by the water cooler. I got a little piece of the granola stuck in my throat and it made my throat tickle and sent me in to a fit of coughing. This lasted for, say, 10 minutes or so. My eyes were watering, and my nose was running. No one came to my rescue. I did notice, however, that several office doors down the hallway from me were slammed shut. Well, gee, people, sorry to frigging interrupt you! I now have little pieces of mushy Zone Bar all over my office floor. It's gonna be a great day, I can tell! :-D

The Dynasty Bitch

That is what my mom and I call this ridiculous picture of me. It was one of my senior pictures - and you can definitely tell it was the 80's. Check out that hair! and the earrings! Psst...Yogagirl...see what I mean? I am not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with my look, but oh well. If we can't laugh at ourselves, then, uumm, wait a minute, I'd much rather laugh at other people! One of the reasons my husband and I are so perfect for each other is because we have the grand ability to make fun of just about everyone. At the police academy, where we met, we had a name for everyone based on our observation of them.  For examle, "Tackleberrry", "Mr. Heatmeiser", "Down-Syndrome Guy", etc.  Yeah, we're assholes.

Strange Vibe

OK, there are strange electrons in the air today. I don't know why. Every now and then I get this weird *feeling* that I can't explain. It is not necessarily a bad vibe, but definitely a strange one. Can't put my finger on what it is. It does make me nervous, though. I am going to watch everyone very carefully today, and also watch out for falling meteors. :-D

Aside from the twilight zone, my morning is quite normal. I'm tired, cranky and not in the mood to work. Everything is a mess. I don't have enough coffee to wake me up. I'm not sure the grocery store has enough coffee to wake me up. I don't want a grilled chicken salad; I want a brownie. I would rather take a nap on my lunch break instead of working out. My hair looks like a mop cuz I said "fuck it" this morning. I have no money in my account. I'm wearing the same pants I wore yesterday. (Clean underwear, though.) I forgot my lunch. My car smells like feet. Maybe I should just go home.

Zombie Zoo

Recovering from my weekend, here. After working overtime at my desk job, I survived my work out on Friday with my trainer. She just laughed at me, but she did take it easy on my legs. Instead, she beat my upper body up. Now I can't walk, sit, talk on the phone (arms hurt) or do any movement that involves my abs. I also taught a scrapbooking class until midnight on Friday. Then, on Saturday, my stepson came over and I worked at the restaurant until 12:30 am. On Sunday, we took my stepson home (round trip of 3 hours), went grocery shopping and other errands, ate dinner and crashed. I'm working a 10-hour shift today, then teaching another scrapbooking class tonight until about 11 pm, then it starts all over again on Tuesday at 4 am. What is wrong with me? I go from not getting out of my PJs for 3 days, to running around like a mad woman. I've also been experiencing heart palpitations for the last 2 days. Gee, I wonder why?

I'm an Idiot

Seriously, I am. I pushed myself very hard this week at the gym, pushing it beyond my limit. I am supposed to see my trainer for the first time today at 12:30 since my December hiatus, and I can barely MOVE. My legs are so sore that someone thought I had sprained my ankle because I am walking so funny. What am I gonna do? What was I thinking? My trainer always works my legs pretty hard! I tried to call her cell phone last night so that I could warn her, but it was out of service! Crap! Guess I'll just keep poppin' the Ibuprofen and pray. There is no mercy. My eating has been great this week, however.

Hunger & Laughs

Do you know how hard it is to work at an Italian restaurant where they give you free food when you are trying to do Body for Life? Holy pasta, Batman! I was good last night; I resisted the penne with gorgonzola cream sauce and the double dutch chocolate torte. Somebody KILL me, that was hard! Just give me the mixed greens with chicken and artichoke hearts in a balsamic vinegar, please. I was literally shaking. I don't have an eating disorder, though. Ha!

For laughs, I am trying to think of crazy, bratty things I did as a child.

When I was like 7, or so, I remember telling my friends at school that my mom went to jail, when in reality she just got a speeding ticket. She was SO not happy with me when the school called. I had to redact my statement in front of the whole class, lol!

Let's see, I also took off my clothes everywhere I went when I was very young because I didn't like clothes. There are no photos of me with clothes on before the age of 8 unless I was forced, which is obvious because of the look on my face.

After my mom popped me on the head with a wooden spoon in the kitchen for some stupid thing I did, I went and put the laundry basket over my head and walked around with my protection on.  My mom and grandma lost it when they saw me and couldn't stop laughing.

Enchiladas and Books

I cleaned up the spider webs in the kitchen and made another EFL meal, "Mom's Chicken Enchiladas". All I can say is YUM. I really liked this one! I wanted, like, 10 of them. It was a little more preparation than I wanted to do after a 12-hour day, but it was worth it. I also bought a new book, "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahniuk. It was recommended to me because it is one of those dark, crazy books. The author also wrote "Fight Club" if that gives you the idea. Anyway, it is about a model who gets her jaw shot off and of course is horribly disfigured and can't talk. She loses her modeling job (duh), and her boyfriend dumps her and runs away with her best friend. She meets up with a transsexual (or something) and goes in search of happiness. Sounds interesting, no? I can't wait to start reading it.

I'm Official!

I actually REGISTERED for the Body for Life challenge today! What a concept! I do challenges, but never send in the paperwork. I'm doing it this time! Ya just never know. I will be doing that challenge, and the other challenge I told you about. The person I am competing with doesn't do BFL (to my knowledge) and thinks WALKING is gonna do it. NOT! Ha! I am sooooo gonna kick their ass! :-D

I may also register for a Maxformation since my trainer works for Max Muscle. I don't know if there are any rules that forbid competing in two different challenges. I use products from both EAS and Max Muscle. If anyone knows, email me.

Starting off with a protein shake this morning and will be doing stone wheat crackers with turkey and hot mustard for my next meal. My husband made his famous "Jim Chicken" last night. MMMMMMM. It is a very moist chicken breast in his special healthy, homemade barbecue sauce. What a great husband I have, it was fabulous. I had that and a huge portion of steamed cauliflower with enough water to take a bath in. Its cardio day. Crap. I hate cardio day. I just need to focus on my competition and how jealous they will be when I blow them so far out of the water it isn't funny!

The Old Grindstone

Things are incredibly back to normal now, including the Monday morning blahs. I'm also back on BFL full time now. Started off with an Iced Chai Tea with protein powder and glutamine, then a zone bar, then going to do oatmeal with Splenda and lean ham. (I get up at 4:30 am, so I am able to get a majority of my meals in before everyone else's normal lunch time.) I work out at lunch, so I gotta re-sign with the gym today. It will be pathetically busy, being January and all. I don't see my trainer until Friday, but I'm sure I will be way out of shape from my December Hiatus. I'm in competition for weight loss/muscle gain with a certain someone who I can't mention on my blog, so hopefully this will motivate me to get my arse going so I can BEAT THEM! They have a little bit of a head start on me, but once I get going, I know I can kick some serious butt.

Psycho Barbecuing

OK, I found another Texas Chainsaw site. This one made me laugh. You know I'm certifiable, right? It's called "Chop Tops BBQ". For those of you who don't know, "Chop Top" is a deranged Vietnam Vet with a metal plate in his head that is part of the "family" in Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part II. He is quite entertaining in the movie, a very colorful character. Anyway, my fav recipe is "Pete Loaf", with the main ingredient of course, being a guy named PETE. I guess you have to have a sick sense of humor like me. :)

Back to Normal

Temps are back in the 50's and all the snow and ice is gone. Whew! I thought it would be fun, it wasn't. You would think that it would allow me extra time to get stuff done like cleaning, organizing, you know, all that stuff you always plead as "I don't have the time!". Well, I had the time, and I was still lazy. I did, however, find the best drink EVER once we were able to break free from the ice barricades. We went to Ixtapa for some Mexican food, and I ordered a "double chocolate winter". It is hot chocolate with cinnamon, Baileys, Amaretto and Kahlua. It is DA BOMB!! Best kept for free days, of course, but WOW, talk about a chocolate lovers dream, it's like an orgasm in a glass. After a *few* of those, I was swept off into a very restful slumber.

Ice Storm!

So, first, we get pelted with snow, then 60 mile-an-hour winds, then an ICE STORM. This is the freakiest BS I have ever seen. This is my first ice storm, so I did not know what to expect. Our power started blinking on and off, and that really sent me into a panic because we don't own a fireplace. I KNOW. I kept wondering if we were all going to freeze to death. I've kept the computer off for the most part because of the power threat; hence the lack of blogging. I couldn't stand it any longer, though, so here I am. The DOGS don't even like it. I did get some rather humorous video of them sliding on the ice after treats, however. I'm just evil, I'll do anything for a good picture. You'll notice the picture of Louie standing on TOP of the snow, because the top layer of that snow is ice. My front windows look like shower glass, and I can't get my car door open. I got a little extended vacation from work, too. It hasn't been fun, though. I'm feeling anxious and claustrophobic. My neighbors will call me, but no one will venture out of their house. It's like we all have this neurotic need to stay inside and whine and bitch.

Bummed and Freezing

It is 15 frigging degrees here. It doesn't usually get this cold here, and my blood is still a little thin from the mild winter we had last year. I can't even remember the last time it got below 32 degrees. The news is predicting a foot of snow tomorrow for my area. A FOOT! Holy crap! Lou and Mags are laying in front of the heater and won't budge. I actually love the snow, but it sucks when you have a bunch of plans. There is no way on the planet I am driving to work with a foot of snow on the ground. I am a great snow driver, but Washington drivers are among the most moronic when it comes to winter weather. "It's snowing? Oh, well, I'll drive FASTER! I have a four-wheel drive vehicle and I am the only important one on the road!" Then there are the other drivers that are like "Oh my God, its Armageddon! I'll go 2 mph up this hill!"

Tomorrow is the official end to my 2-week vacation from the office. Poo. I have been in my pajamas for the last two days and have slept more than I have been awake. I got absolutely NOTHING accomplished. I have not even brushed my hair. It was a huge effort just to check my email. Now, it's back to working double shifts, working out every day, preparing 6 meals a day and sleeping only 6 or so hours a night. As much as I would like to be a stay-at-home dog mom, I would probably end up being a 500-pound rolling donut who would break out in a sweat answering the phone. It's really a good thing that I have a job.

Ma! Let us in! It's cold out here!

It is 2004. Woohoo.

New Year's Eve is so uneventful for us. I got called in to work at the restaurant (what a surprise), but they felt bad calling me in on my vacation, so I got to be the first one off. That, of course, completely pissed off my co-workers who had to stay past midnight, hahaha. It is such a clusterfuck to work on a holiday at a restaurant. By the time we all figure out what the 5 billion specials are, it's over. The prices get jacked up, and the service gets crappier because everyone on the planet eats out on holidays. (Also, we are all secretly cursing those people who get to do fun stuff on holidays and can afford to go out to eat at a nice restaurant.) The stupidest people alive decided to sit in my section, too. "What is Linguini?" My God in heaven. It is, however, a good night to make bank. Over a hundred dollars cash in just a few hours.

It just started snowing again here, and it is sticking to the pavement. The Seattle-metro area isn't used to getting too much snow, so the whole state pretty much shuts down with a few inches.

Oh, and I made the Beef with Barely soup from Eating for Life! (I don't give a shit about mad cow.) It was pretty good! Jim left the rest of it sitting out on the counter overnight, though, and we had to throw the rest away. Never trust men to put food away before they go to bed.

How to piss off a vegan: say you belong to PETA, then go on to explain what that term means to you: People Eating Tasty Animals.

Sleeping with Dogs

OK, first get your mind out of the gutter. That's yucky.

Since Jim got hurt, he has been sleeping in his recliner instead of the bed, so the pups get a little vacation from the crates and get to sleep in Crazydogmama's bed. It has been interesting, to say the least.

Maggie: Maggie is a rock. A warm rock with fur. Think about what sleeping with a rock would be like, and that describes it.

Louie: Louie is a temperamental little butthole. If I touch him or nudge him, he grunts and growls. He turns around in a circle at least 50 times before laying down, then lets out a big huff. He SNORES. LOUD. He audibly farts. He barks in his sleep with his little mouth closed. It sounds just like water dripping somewhere.

If either one of them hears the slightest noise, it's like a barking circus stampede.

I'm creatively evil!

Yes folks, it's official! Crazydogmama is "creatively evil", the quiz I took said so!

My new blogger friend Stephanie had this quiz on her site and of course I was completely compelled to take it right away. I thought I would be eviler, but the puppy question blew it for me. Kick a puppy, are you kidding me? If I saw someone kick a puppy, I would put on my Leatherface mask and get medieval on their ass! This only makes me *creatively evil" apparently.

Trying to get it in gear.

Well, my bag of peanut butter cups is almost gone. *Sigh* So it is time to get back on BFL and lose the holiday 2-pound gain. (Not bad considering I have eaten like a hell cow for the whole month.) I need to frantically lose those two pounds in the next two weeks so that my trainer doesn't give me the "there-is-no-reason-to-gain-weight-during-the-holidays" speech. I'm already gonna get scolded for the smoking. So far, the best I've done with the Eating for Life Book is the crackers with turkey because that is about the only healthy food I have in the house. I really want to try the Chai tea recipe. I'm thinking do some yoga, then drink healthy Chai tea. A little different from my run-until-I-want-to-puke, then have a non-fat iced mocha routine. Heehee. Yogagirl will be so proud!

Winter Wonderland

I finally got a white Christmas! It started snowing right after Christmas dinner at my mom's, so we hurried home. Got a picture of the pups frolicking.



Oh, and you will all be very jealous, I got a LAPTOP from Santa! Yaayyy! I'm still not eating good, I'm living on peanut butter cups and leftovers. I am reading the Eating for Life Book by Bill Phillips that I just got, but I think I might wait until Monday to cut off my holiday eat-whatever-I-want stint. I won't even be seeing my trainer until Jan. 9th. It is a TRUE vacation from EVERYTHING! Two weeks of sleeping, eating and playing with my new toys. Holiday chaos is over, the dogs smell good, and my house is picked-up. Now I must get back to Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

Hope you all had a great Christmas! Let me know what kind of toys YOU got!

The Breakfast of Champions

What is Crazydogmama having for breakfast today, you ask? Is it egg whites with salsa? Noooo. Is it high fiber cereal and a slice of lean ham? Noooo. Is it Nestle Tollhouse cookie dough? Yeeesss! We have a winner! My lean, mean lifestyle has taken a turn this holiday season. I have given in to the pressures of cookies, candies and pastries. It makes all the stress just melt away, however I can't say the same for the fat. I wonder how many calories I burn wrapping presents.

Force Feeding Liquid Fat Girl

I was somewhat disturbed this morning when I checked my stats to see who has been checking out my blog site. There was a google search for "force feeding liquid fat girl". WTF? How that directed that person to my site is a mystery to me but disturbing none the less.

When Dogs Go Shopping

Things I must do before I leave the planet.

I completely stole this idea from Otter. I think it is important to have goals, and here are mine:

1. Become a writer as my full-time job even though I might suck at it.

2. Become a "non-smoker". (Notice I didn't say QUIT smoking. I have already done that a hundred-billion times.)

3. Eat healthy for a whole month without cheating once.

4. Get into my favorite pair of jeans again. I haven't worn them since I was 18.

5. Pay off all my debts.

6. Go to the Bahamas and stay in one of those huts on the water.

7. Help someone who really needs it.

8. Own a hot tub.

9. At least DRIVE a 1967 Camaro RS SS for a day, if not own one.

10. Learn to fly a Cessna airplane.

11. Figure out how to EDIT video without wanting to throw my computer out the window.

12. Find a cardio exercise I don't detest.

13. Be able to do 10 pull-ups the hard way without my eyeballs popping out.

14. Make a scrapbook for someone (and get paid for it).

I'm sure I'll think of more later...stay tuned. Some of these will make good New Year's Resolutions, no?

Dog Abuse

Louie is always my Guinea pig for dog-outfits and fun stuff. Maggie is too hyper and uncooperative. The look on his face, and the ears back indicates a very unhappy, but very patient, dog. He knows I love him, so he lets me do what I want. Here is Louie's "Max" outfit. (The dog from the Grinch movie.) I know it's a little cruel, but its soooo amusing. Heehee. I AM CrazyDogMama, ya know!

Going Off the Deep End & A Christmas Cookie Recipe

I know, I know, you are thinking this is old news. Actually, most of the time I am pretty alert and focused, however lately, not so much. I am finding myself saying "What?" a lot and staring off into space for long periods of time. I think the stress of life and holidays has finally given me a lobotomy. I am not usually much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks you would think I needed AA. (Or as a certain member of my family calls it "AAA", which cracks me up every time.) I am not cranky or irritable as it turns out, just completely out-of-it. I think I just need a vacation.

You have all probably received this email 10 times already, but it was so perfect to how I was feeling this month that I thought I would post it:

Christmas Cookie Recipe

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
>1 cup of water
>1 tsp baking soda
>1 cup of sugar
>1 tsp salt
>1 cup of brown sugar
>lemon juice
>4 large eggs
>1 cup nuts
>2 cups of dried fruit
>1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Directions:

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

 
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

 
Turn on the electric mixerer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another
cup, just in case.

 
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

 
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gives a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.

 
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Everyone is Insane Everywhere

I must apologize for my lack of blogging lately; duty has been calling elsewhere. We actually got a Christmas tree (hooray!), so I have been a decorating Nazi. No one is allowed to place the ornaments on the tree except me. If they attempt such activities, I promptly move them to where they look much better. My husband used to try when we were married some 9 years ago but being the most understanding and wonderful human being ever, he has relinquished his command in this area.

The rest of my week was like this:

My mother-in-law, bless her heart, thought the kitty in the blog entry below had *actually* overdosed and was expressing much concern after receiving my email.

My boss called me into his office on Friday and told me that I may have to work a few days during my vacation. (I always take 2 and a half weeks off during the holidays and I look forward to it all year long.) He said it was "up to me", though. That is a nice way of saying "You don't have to, but unless you want to be the first on the lay-off list next year, I would suggest coming in and working." I of course smiled and said "OK", but really, inside I was saying, "Yeah, WHATEVER you MF, I'll get you for this."

There was not ONE happy person at the Christmas tree place. Like my fellow blogger Dooce says, "Deck the Motherfucking Halls."

I put big Jingle bells on my dog's collars. It is really quite amusing. Today, they went on one of their running and barking-at-everything-in-the-yard tangents, and it sounded pretty confusing. The dogs next door didn't know whether to bark or laugh. I will be dusting them in glitter on Christmas Eve.

I made cookies today. The package says "Makes 5 dozen". I have 2 dozen. Perhaps they are mistaken. Perhaps I ate too much dough.

Overdose

I don't usually like "cutsey" cat pictures, but this one made me just crack completely up. It was titled "overdose" in an email I got. This is me on free days with pizza. I needed some cheering up, and this definately helped. Also, thanks to all of you who sent me jokes, funnies and kind words. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it right now. Happy holidays, everyone. Try to enjoy them, no matter what is going on.

Is ANYONE having a good week?

Man, I keep hearing one sad tale after the other this week. A friend of mine just split up with his significant other, some of my fellow bloggers are blue, my co-workers are grumpy, my husband is trying to work in pain, and I am stressed, depressed and apparently, paranoid. (See below.) I don't even know if I can afford a Christmas tree this year. Pathetic, no?

Someone send me a joke or something, I just got called into work tonight. Although I need the money desperately, that will make a 16-hour day for me. Yikes.

A Test

I took a personality disorder test, and it turns out that I am, like, highly paranoid and avoidant. This doesn't seem to surprise anyone. After I read my results, I all of sudden felt nervous and twitchy, saying to myself "Oh my GOD, what if it is TRUE? I should probably stay away from people." My reaction to the results, ironically, prove they are correct. :-) 

These are a few of my fav-or-ite things.

Yes, I am humming Christmas tunes this morning, despite all the crap happening to me right now. Although, why the hell is this considered a Christmas song? Isn't it from "The Sound of Music"? They are playing it on the radio as a holiday favorite, though, so I will go with that. As a matter of fact, while I was humming this tune, it occurred to me to get silly and sappy and actually write what MY favorite things are. So here we go.

Raindrops on my naked body and whiskers on puppies
Bright copper money and warm woolen socks
Brown paper bags filled with new stuff for me tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored Frappuccino's and crisp pastries from the bakery
Doorbells ringing with packages for me and Mongolian stir fry with noodles
Wild times when I fly out of an airplane wishing I had wings (skydiving, OK?)
These are a few of my favorite things

Men in white t-shirts with ripped up old blue jeans
Snowflakes that stick on the ground and allow me to stay home from work
Silver in my pocket during winter that stays in my pocket until spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites, when the bee stings and sends me to the hospital because I'm allergic, and when I'm pissy and cranky, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel soooooo baaaaddddd. Not really, though, it takes more than that to snap me out of a funk.

Ok, so it doesn't exactly rhyme, but this is real life people!

Happy Monday.

Crazydogmama is not happy.

I guess you could call me stressingdogmama right now. Jim's cracked ribs are really hurting him. He missed all of last week at work, and because his job is labor intensive, he is afraid he will be sent home this week, and possibly more until he is able to lift heavy things again. Missing two weeks of my husband's pay will be disastrous for us. L&I will pay some of it, but they are so damn slow that no telling when we will get that. We used up all of our savings with the unemployment stint we had earlier this year, so we are what the white man calls screwed, lewd and tattooed.

 
On the upside, this makes Christmas shopping easier.

 
Me: "So what do you want for Christmas this year? I got 5 bucks!"

Advice for the day: Never vacuum while intoxicated.

Christmas Ideas

If you are wondering what to get those people in your life who have everything (besides a kick in the ass for having everything), here are some suggestions:

Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix

Chicken Enema Cooker

Corgi Butt Bottle Opener

If they have any of these things already, I guess you are SOL.

Windstorm!

It's a tad windy here, lights are out all over the place. Not at my work though, of course. What good is a damn windstorm if you still have to go to work? If the restaurant has power, I will be insane by the end of the evening. Power outages = lots of restaurant customers. The last time we had a power outage in the area, I made like $300. This is a good thing, though, for my broke ass. Jim is still out of work and won't be going back until Monday. Lucky duck. I wouldn't mind suffering a little pain for a week off work. I would get PAID! I need to go find some coffee. I have a meeting. Here's a little wind-tossed Lou-dog for ya:

Another Funny Girl

Otter is my star today. She made me feel better by making me laugh and pee my pants a little. If it weren't for this blog, I would have no one to talk to or cheer me up.  I'm thankful.

Not having a good week.

Sooooo, I have a gimpy husband at home, I am working too much, I am broke and stressed out, and to top it off, after my training session last night, I yakked in the parking lot of Rite Aid in front of a bunch of Christmas tree shoppers. Nice, huh? It just suddenly hit me, and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even finish my training because I was feeling all shaky and sweaty and nauseous. I should have known, everyone I know has had this 24-hour flu-thing. Yuck. I just ran to my car and drove away. So embarrassing. They probably thought I was drunk or something. I feel OK this morning, except for the feel-like-a-mac-truck-hit-me thing. I'm huuunnggrryy. Haven't eaten anything. Afraid to.

Things that fall down and go boom.

That would be my husband, Jim. Yesterday afternoon at work, I get a call from my hubby. "I am in the hospital." He told me he might have a shattered kneecap. After two minutes of not breathing, I finally say I'll be right there. When I get to the hospital, I find out nothing is broken (thank GOD) but that he just has a cracked rib, a sprained wrist, and is in a walking cast for his purple knee. How lovely. Since he started his job last May, he has dented the company truck by running into a Metro bus, fallen off the loading dock and hurt his back, and now fallen off the company truck 4 feet onto the pavement resulting in an ambulance trip to the hospital. Luckily, he has an understanding boss (so far), but he doesn't get paid for sick time, so we are screwed for a while, and just in time for Christmas. Yippee. He is doing OK this morning, just a little stiff and sore, but OK. He gets to take the good drugs and sleep all day.

Things you shouldn't do at 3 am.

Make Brownies. Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning), I got a wild hair up my ass to make brownies. My husband was snoring in his recliner, and the only light on was coming from the TV. I had just finished watching a movie (surprise) and I was hungry. Since I wasn't interested in eating anything healthy (who is at 3 am?) I decided on Triple chunk chocolate brownies. I mixed them well, sampled half of the mix (now wondering if there was still enough left to bake) and put them in the oven. It takes 52-57 minutes. OK. Set the timer. Fall asleep. Wake up to obnoxious beeping. Dogs and husband still snoring. I wasn't sure how long the timer had been beeping, but to my glee, the brownies were not burnt. As I cut the gooey, steaming chocolate mass, I kept telling myself that I should let them cool first. So, I put a piece on a plate and decided to wait 5 minutes before shoving it into my face. While waiting, I robotically stuck the spatula into my mouth to lick off the chocolate residue. DOH! 4 am: CrazyDogMama is doing a version of the "African Anteater Ritual" in the kitchen while her tongue is on fire. Dogs start barking. Husband never wakes up.

The Couch Potato Emerges

I slept most of the last three days, either on the couch or in my cozy bed. I don't think I was awake more than 4 hours at a time without a nap. It was WONDERFUL. After 3 months of constant running here and there and everywhere, meeting deadlines and trying to keep commitments, I feel I am finally caught up on some much-needed sleep. Of course, I did wake up late this morning, and had to rush off to work. It makes no difference how much sleep I get, I still don't want to get up to go to work. Now, if I was getting up at 4am to go, say, skiing, I would be wide awake and ready to go. Speaking of skiing, the passes are open and I'm trying to figure out what it will take to get my arse on the slopes this year. It has been several years since I have been able to go, but this year I feel I need to get back at it. I only live about 40 minutes from one of the ski areas, and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going! It is hard to get motivated to work out in the winter, and skiing would be perfect for those winter-workout blahs! There's nothing like leg cramps, snow-chapped lips, sweating in long underwear and a nice array of bruises! I could just see myself now, in my 30's, haven't skied since my 20's, trying to get on the chairlift, and BOOM! Yard-sale! (Yard-sale = each ski, each pole and me, scattered all over the hill.)

Anyway, I did get to watch a few movies this weekend so here are some more reviews:

28 Days Later
I liked this one! It held my attention well and had some cool camera effects. I do have one question, though. Why didn't "the infected" attack each other? Things that make you go hmmmm.

Finding Nemo
Very cute flick. Great Pixar-animation. I'm not much for kid's movies, but it was cute. I especially liked the ending, the very last line in the movie, "What now?" The story of my life!

Bruce Almighty
It was OK. I wasn't especially impressed. Typical Jim Carey antics. I got bored half-way through.

Party Girl
This was a very odd movie. One of my Netflix movies that took me two months to watch. I kept putting it off because my husband said he would rather watch commercials than watch this movie. But I finally fed him enough to keep him from wrestling me for the remote. Now, I really like Parker Posie, so that is why I chose this movie. It was actually entertaining, and I wanted to keep watching just to see where it was going. All-in-all, I liked it, but you really had to pay attention to figure out what was going on. We both watched this one with one eyebrow raised the whole time.

Tomb Raider II - Cradle of Life
The soundtrack for the first Tomb Raider was much better, I actually bought it, it is great to do kickboxing to! The only entertaining part of this movie was getting to see what Angelina Jolie was going to wear next. She is a very unique looking person. My husband has no interest in her, he is a Jennifer Aniston and Drew Barrymore fan. Me? I like Sam Elliott (Yes, I know he is ancient, but he is so manly!) and I also like Vin Diesel, but his movies suck big-time. Anyway, don't waste your time unless you like looking at Angelina.

Gorging and Scrappin'

I had a nice relaxing turkey day, and I hope you all did too! I cooked, then ate, then slept, then scrapped. It has been a whirlwind week (that's why I haven't posted) and I'm exhausted. This is the first weekend in two months where I don't have anything planned, and I've been a movie-watching, face-feeding couch potato. It's soooo great. The dogs love it when I don't leave the couch for hours on end. All that said, here are some pics for you.

Maggie, Louie and Molly (my mom's dog) scavenging the kitchen floor on Thanksgiving, and one of my favorite scrapbook pages to date.

The Joy of Potlucks

We had a company potluck yesterday. This is a day of no egg whites, no fat-free or low-carb foods, and definitely no low calorie anything. It is graze all day until you feel like you are going to puke day. You are probably wondering by now if I EVER eat right. Well, yes I do, but it has been a challenge lately. Smoking is also still a challenge. I am doing better and better every day, though. I haven't had a venti mocha Frappuccino for a whole week! Ha! You also must know that I didn't eat any bread at the potluck, and I did have quite a few veges. OK, OK, YES, I HAD A COOKIE. (Or two.) I have added some different things to my workouts to keep them interesting, and I did 120 lunges in a ROW a couple of days ago. (Still recovering.) I wanted to see how many I could do before falling over. For the last 30 I had to drop the weights and just use my body weight, which of course was, ENOUGH. My next thing will be to see how much I can bench-press (weight-wise). Everyone always asks me, and I've never known!

OMG

They make LEATHERFACE HOLIDAY LIGHTS!  Must. Get.

More Movie Reviews!

Legally Blonde 2:
Don't waste your time. Now, I loved the first one, but this one was just plain ridiculous. I really like Reese Witherspoon too. I can't believe my husband sat through the WHOLE THING without saying a word. He must really love me.

Freeway
What a great flick! This is also a Reese Witherspoon movie, but in this one she is a badass! It is a dark comedy (my favorite kind) with some great "unconventional" twists. It is older, made in the mid-nineties, and also has Kiefer Sutherland in it. A must see!

Wrong Turn
Not great, not horrible. Entertaining, with some good killing scenes, but still a little too "teenagy" for me. The Netflix envelope described this movie as "License to Drive meets Deliverance". Based on that, I had to watch it.

Terminator 3
So-so. I do love Arnold, though. There was some really cool big-trucks-flipping-over and crashing scenes, and the female terminator (Terminatrix) was a great foe, but all and all, I was disappointed. Not a gripper like the second one. I missed Linda Hamilton and the guy playing John Connor was a little "femmy". If they make a fourth one, Skwigg should play the woman kicking ass. :)

Anger Management
Not as good as the hype. Two great actors in a mediocre movie, in my opinion. Very predictable. OK, but wouldn't watch it twice.

About Schmidt
You know, people either loved this movie, or hated it. I loved it! I wasn't grossed-out by seeing Kathy Bates naked, come on people, not everyone looks like a super-model, and quite frankly I like a little reality once in a while. I think this movie dealt with issues that no one likes to think about. I liked it because the main characters were controversial, meaning you didn't know whether you liked them or not. Something different! I'm tired of the same old movie.

I still need to watch 28 Days Later. I can't bring myself to watch the Matrix movies yet, they just don't do anything for me. Everyone keeps telling me to watch, but people flying through the air doing flips and kicks and shooting guns just seems stupid to me. Apparently, I am a minority in this one.

Lip Issues

Today, I look like I got beat up. I have a crack down the middle of my bottom lip, and two, count em' TWO fever blisters, also on my bottom lip. I thought about wearing my Leatherface mask to work today to cover it up, but somehow, I don't think the nice auditor lady would find the humor in it. So, I'll just dress up and wear lots of lipstick on my diseased and scary mouth. We have another freaking audit. I so need a vacation. No snow today, so I couldn't call in cold. I am going to beg all my blogger-friends not to write anything funny today because if I laugh, my lips will bleed, and I will cry. My trainer would be so disappointed in my wussiness.

Rain, flooding, wind, snow and sunshine?

That's Washington for you. I went to bed to high winds. I woke up to rain and flooding. The commute to work resulted in massive snow to the point where I couldn't tell if I was on the road or the grass because I couldn't see anything. The weather report says sunshine by the afternoon. There are power outages everywhere and traffic lights don't work. Weather report today: EVERYTHING.  For up-to-the-minute weather reports: LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW. I live an hour from work and live in the mountains. Every other mile or so, something different was happening. My husband can't even GET to work. The lucky rat! All this going on, and of course, my work is operating quite nicely. Damn.

Spilling Stuff

We all have skills. Mine happens to be spilling stuff. I have replaced 3 keyboards at work from spilling liquid on them, and every day at lunch I spill some sort of food content on my shelf. (My breast-area.) My co-workers howl in laughter at me every day. When someone else does it, they have just done a "Cheryl". I do this so often, that if there is NO spot on my shirt, I get comments like "We know you are an imposter, has Cheryl been taken to the mother ship?" This morning was no different. I had to wash my shirt in the bathroom sink to get all of the coffee off of it. I am walking around with a completely sopping wet shirt, and no one has said a thing. It is a normal day. I have been told that my secret Santa this year will be getting me an adult sippy cup.

Fake the Funk to Facilitate the Fraud

This is my favorite quote ever in the history of the world. It is a "Jiminism". (A quote made up by my hubby, Jim.) Not only is it fun to say, but it can really describe some situations well, like yesterday for me. It is really funny to say it to co-workers and watch their facial expression go from blank to confused, then out comes the word, "What?" EVERY TIME.

I had an OBGYN appointment yesterday that I forgot about. I looked at my wall calendar at 12:45 pm and the calendar said the appt. was at 1 pm. HOLY CRAP! Not that I wouldn't mind missing one of THOSE appointments, but it is nearly impossible to reschedule and I'm out of birth control pills, yikes. So, I do Mach 4 trying to get there on time, and I get a call on my cell phone right as I'm pulling into the parking lot saying, "Can we reschedule you, the Dr. had a delivery." How dare he deliver a damn baby during my appointment! Now, I told my boss I would be gone for 2 hours. Do I go back to work and tell him what actually happened? HELL NO. I take a nap in my car. Faking the funk to facilitate the fraud.

Camp Nut-job

Just got back from scrapbook camp. It is usually 48 hours of pure bliss for me, but this time there was a nut-job among us, and the weekend turned out to be somewhat of a catfight. There is always one bad apple, I tell ya, but really, this is a given when you get 40 women together. Women are just plain PITAs sometimes. (PITA = Pain In The Ass) This person was as uptight as they get and had run-ins with several of us. You might think of scrapbookers as docile and hen-like, but you are sorely mistaken. We use things like razor blades and hammers as we put together our cute little scrapbooks. (My scrapbook pages consisted of pictures of our Halloween night and was titled "Leatherface, the saw is family.") So, really, it is not a good idea to piss off a scrapbooker. There was squabbling about what music was playing, too much noise, food not cooked right, etc. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to go scrapbooking with men. We could belch, fart, drink beer and have the latest sport playing on a TV somewhere nearby instead of some gay-ass soothing CD. Although, that is how my personal scrapbook workshops usually are, my customers KNOW how to scrapbook properly. If I get some time, maybe I'll post some of my pages. You may get a kick out of them, and the obnoxious amount of time it took to create them.

Duck and Dog Drama

My birthday is over. Poo. Dinner was great, we all shared duck in a plum sauce, 7-flavors beef, sambal coconut prawns, spicy pepper and onion asparagus and Szechwan green beans. Our appetizers were buddha spring rolls and lemongrass chicken! YUUUUMMMY. I had a glass of red wine, then we ate chocolate torte and ginger ice cream for dessert. OMG! Then, when I got home, my awesome hubby had an ice cream cake with candles and a CD waiting for me! What a sweetie! Especially since I didn't get home until about 10:30! Oh, and YES, I had another piece of cake.

Since I only got about 4 hours of sleep, today will be a joy. I am working a double. 6 am to 11pm. Fun.

Dog drama. Louie and Maggie got in a fight. Louie weighs about 22 pounds, and Maggie is a petite little 17-pounder. She kicked his ass. Jim called Louie a "vagina-dog". If it hadn't been so funny, I would have scolded Jim.

OK, What the Hell is going on?

My birthday has had a rough start. I accidentally slammed my head into a door. No kidding. I was bending over to pick up some paperwork I dropped and bumped my noggin' on the DOOR HANDLE. YEE-OUCH! I yelled some cuss words. (Not always a good idea at work.) Now I have a nice red mark on my forehead along with the ZIT I woke up with. Nice. Especially when I'm going to a posh restaurant for dinner. The first work-thing I started today was, of course, a nightmare. No one communicates with anyone, and so we all duplicate work (in a rush) and then have to do it 5 more times at a freaky stress level. Every job we do, or so I'm told, is of utmost importance, and the company's future depends on it. Yeah, whatever. Me typing a memo can't possibly affect the fate of the company. Unless it was a memo saying we were no longer allowed to eat chocolate. That would shut us down in 2 seconds flat.

Happy Birthday TO ME

Another Birthday! Yikes! I'm gettin' old. Stopped off for a Frappuccino this morning (yes, I was a little late), and I'm looking forward to a nice half-day at work. My co-workers are force-feeding me (ha!) fattening food today for lunch. I will then proceed to a nice hour-long massage. Following the massage, I will shop, then I will eat again at a fabulous Seattle hotspot called the Wild Ginger. MMMMMM. My OTHER co-workers are making me go there. This is the only time where it is good to have two jobs! This weekend I will be scrapbooking with 40 other women up at a lodge at the pass. It's all about me.

Somebody Wake Me Up

I feel like someone slipped me a Mickey this morning. I cannot keep my eyes open! I'm even typing while my eyes are shut. Just one of those mornings, I guess. My husband is all upset. He is a veteran from the gulf war (the 1st one) and he has to work today. He says everyone has the day off but the veterans. I think he is right, he should have the day off, but then again, I think I should have the day off too, cuz it is the day before my birthday (send presents).

Bath time or Armageddon?

For Louie and Maggie, it may as well be Armageddon. My husband begged me to give the dogs a bath on Sunday. (Apparently, they were stinky, I never notice.) You don't even have to say the word "bath", all you have to do is go into the bathroom and say "Maaaaaagieeeee, Looouuuuiieeee!" and they know. It took me a half an hour to get them in there. Then, Louie was my first victim. There was howling and yowling when I clipped his nails, the most pathetically depressed look when I was brushing him, and utter misery and the end of the world when I soaped him up. I tried to get him to give me a kiss, but he actually turned his head away from me. The hair dryer was death. He buries his head in my crotch with his butt sticking up when I'm trying to dry him. (He is trying to hide.) But when I'm done, OMG he is the happiest dog on the planet. He jumps and plays and wags his tail when I say, "All done handsome boy!" Then he gets a yummy carrot.

Giving Maggie a bath is like trying to innertube behind a hydroplane. I was sopping wet and exhausted afterwards.

Justification for reading other people's blogs.

"You can make more friends in a month by being interested in them, than in 10 years by trying to get them interested in you."
- Charles L. Allen Roads to Radiant Living

Happy Monday morning to you all. I am eating chicken and vegetable stir fry and a nonfat mocha for breakfast. What on earth is wrong with me? Normal people eat eggs, oatmeal, cereal, but not me. I'll be having my egg whites for lunch.

Another justification for a blog.

"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."
-Alexander Woollcott, Long, Long Ago

Ponder that one.

Oh Happy Day!

You are all most likely really sick of me talking about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but with the new movie out, I have rekindled my fondness. I ordered the Special Edition of the original movie on DVD (it just became available, and it has "meat" packaging!), and it came in yesterday! So, you can guess what I did last night. What a great movie the original is! I had forgotten! Marilyn Burns is truly the scream queen! I had not seen the original for a while, so it was great fun. Louie and Maggie and I all curled up on the couch together to watch. Jim fell asleep. Oh well, guess we'll have to watch it again tonight!

A week without a trainer.

So, my trainer is going to a competition and therefore cannot train me this week. She says to me "Be a good girl this week without me". Yeah, right. If I eat ONE MORE freaking piece of Halloween candy, I will swell up like Violet in Willy Wonka and Chocolate factory.

The Cauliflower Dance

The vet says I need to stop giving Louie and Maggie treats and start giving them raw veges instead. Apparently, they are both too fat. Welcome to my household. So, last night I gave them both some cauliflower. Maggie, as usual, just inhaled it and kept looking at me for more. Louie, on the other hand, performed some odd ritual. He grabbed the cauliflower, started wagging his tail very fast, then started leaping and jumping around in a circle, with the cauliflower sticking out of his mouth. He made no attempt to eat it or chew on it. He just danced around with it wagging his butt. There was rolling and frolicking and many grunts. He finally took it into his crate, buried under his blanket and came trotting back into the kitchen. It was the strangest and funniest thing I have ever seen.

What Irritates Crazydogmama

As I promised, there are a few things in life that irritate me. I already did the list of what I like, so here is the "Dooce" inspired list of how to annoy me:

1. Be all snobby and say you "don't drink coffee because all the caffeine is bad for you" as you shove a triple-layer chocolate chunk brownie in your face.

2. Walk around the back yard for a half an hour sniffing the grass while the house is freezing over from the door being open, then 2 seconds after you come inside, poop on the newly cleaned carpet.

3. Pass me on a two-lane highway when its pouring down rain while I'm going 65, splashing so much mud and water on my windshield that I can't see.

4. Be a high-maintenance, bossy/bitchy customer while ordering food from me, then don't tip at least 15% after perfect ass-kissing service.

5. Don't control your kids at the store, and then act all surprised and offended when I tell them Santa won't be coming to their house this year.

6. Stand right in front of the DVD and book section with your cart at Costco for 10 minutes, then wonder why I am ramming it.

7. Act like my dogs are "annoying" you. Chances are, I like them more than I like you, and I will kick you out of my house.

8. Change the radio station I'm listening to without asking.

9. Tell me how to drive.

10. Get drunk and belligerent around me.

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Geez, this is the first time I have sat down since Thursday afternoon! Thursday night we started setting up our Halloween stuff and I got my nails done, Friday I got a massage, got my hair colored, worked OT and then stayed up all night charming Leatherface. Saturday, I worked out with my trainer, went to a Stampin' Up party to make Christmas cards, then worked at the restaurant. Then on Sunday I went to a "color-blocking" class for scrapbooking, cleaned and did laundry. We also had Billy (my stepson) and his friend over all weekend, so I was tripping over kids and dogs too. I need a vacation! Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. I just know I have to be SOMEWHERE doing SOMETHING. I have tried to take a picture of my hair and nails, but they keep coming out weird and fuzzy, so I'll keep trying so you all can see my new look. I've received quite a few compliments, so I'm not quite as freaked out as I was. I like my hair, but it was a pretty dramatic color change for me. Platinum blonde streaks, honey blond streaks, and natural blonde streaks. My nails are bright red.

As far as our Halloween went, we had a blast, but I can imagine that there are some miffed parents out there. You know how uptight people can get sometimes. We toned it way down, and most people loved what we did, but when I was in my straight jacket trying to pick up a beer, and Jim was arranging the rubber body parts in the garage, we were shot some interesting looks. Ha! Oh well, the kids had a great time, so we were happy. Now it's time to get out the Christmas decorations! I love Christmas!

The Sultan Chainsaw Massacre

OK, already! Here's some pictures from our Halloween fright. Leatherface, in sneakers!

Hair victory!

I found a place at the last minute that was willing to do a foil for me! They are also willing to stay late at night! (Foils take, like, 3 hours on my long hair.)

I think I'm gonna buy new shoes, too. Aren't they CUTE? I have all these girlie, pretty shoes, and then just my regular sneakers. I needed something a little retro.

Hair Stress

Trying to schedule a foil one day ahead of time at 5 pm is IMPOSSIBLE. I've called like, 20 places. I have a hair emergency. (This is how my finances go awry.) My blonde hair is looking mousy, and in order to look good for my Halloween party, I must have a foil by tomorrow, DAMIT. I even re-scheduled my training session for this. You gotta have priorities.

Jim is all out of sorts because he can't get the chainsaw to start for our little tribute to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Friday night. All these little problems we have.

Whew!

OK, got my period. Must have been premenstrual eating disorder. Back on track today. My boss is out of town this week! Woohoo! PARTY! Not. That just means I have double work to do, except that I am writing in my blog instead of doing it.

I read something very inspirational recently. Did you know that Walt Disney was fired from a job for not being "creative enough" and then he had to claim bankruptcy twice before he built Disneyland? Wow! There is hope for me yet! My finances are always in shambles. I pay my bills on time and everything, but I have this incredible debt hanging over me that just won't go away no matter how many jobs I have. It's the spending thing. The more you make, the more you spend. I need to have someone just beat me over the head. Maybe Skwigg could help? Ha! All I'd have to do is sneak up on her, and POW! I wouldn't be able to spend for weeks! :)

I may be pregnant

I just ate a giant chocolate chip muffin from Costco with fat free butter and asteroids (spicy Cheeto balls), then washed it all down with a Corona. I found it generally tasty, but I'm still hungry. If I'm not pregnant, I think I may have other issues.

Sunday Pychosis

Holy crap. I just spent WAY too much money. I think I have a spending problem. Scrapbook stores are very dangerous for me. I am designing a journal cover, and the supplies I had to have cost triple what the actual journal did. Oh well. Then there are the clothes. Every time I lose, like, 5 pounds, it is an excuse to buy more clothes. Then, because I was so tired from shopping, I had to eat out. (of course). My evil boss at the restaurant brought in M&M's for us last night while we were working. She said we could have a handful every time we sold 100$. Apparently, I sold about $4000. So much for the 5 pounds.

If you don't mind a little comedic cussing and a raw sense of humor, I just peed my pants from rolling around on the floor laughing at the website (Dooce) I just found. Go to the "How to annoy me" section. I died. Also check out the "How to charm me" section, the very first entry on that one sent me into a fit of laughter where my stomach cramped so hard, I couldn't breathe. I admire people who can be that painfully honest. What a hoot!

Permission to NAP

I found the coolest thing today. They are called "Permission Cards" and they were created by a cool chick named Keri Smith. I clicked on the bowl, and I have permission to NAP!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

A Scary Thought

Apparently, my dream means that there is a conflict going on between my naughty and devious side, and my inner moral standards. Hmmmmm...THAT'S a scary thought.

My Dream

I am going to get personal today and tell you about my dream. I have been having very vivid and memorable dreams lately and I'm wondering what it all means. (If there are any dream analysts out there, please feel free to email me.)

I dreamed that my husband and I were police officers again. (It has been almost 10 years, and neither one of us has the desire to go back.) We were investigating the homicide of a woman, apparently a wife and mother. We knocked on the husband's door, and he let us in. We were also being "graded" by our superiors. This was a test for us or something, but it was real. The man was not acting like anything was wrong. He was acting like his wife was still alive. We looked around, talked to his weird son, and then left. We came back later to eat dinner, but we were actually trying to secretly investigate. The weird thing was, we were in uniform, but we did not have our guns. Some woman was there posing as his wife, and it was obvious that he had changed all the pictures in his house to her picture. All family members were there, and everyone was in on the lie. I went to the bathroom, and wiped out the bathroom garage can with Windex? Then, when I came out, the man came after me very violently swinging his fists. I ran away. Actually, I just ran around the house and told him to chill out. He did. We left. My husband and I smiled at each other because we now knew that the husband was the killer and we had probable cause to go back and arrest him. We had to go get our guns first, though. :)

My dreams usually NEVER make sense like this, most often they are nonsense. I have not watched any cop-type programs or movies lately, and I don't recall thinking about my time as a cop recently. Weird, huh?

Toilet Boy

One more post today and I'll shut up. I had to put this picture up. Louie is hilarious when I chase him down for his bath. Just don't look at my dirty toilet.

A Sign

I went to cheat and have a cigarette AND some pizza today, and this is what happened:

I lit the wrong end of the cigarette and choked and burned my finger. (For any of you who have done this know how toxic and disgusting this is.)

I went to take a big bite of pizza and all the toppings slid off onto my shirt.

If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

Just another little tidbit for you. I somehow channel surfed onto Fear Factor last night, which I never watch. (I hate reality shows, and the like.) They had 2 girls and 2 guys putting COW EYEBALLS in their mouth without hands, then popping the juice out of them into a glass until filled to a certain level, then DRINKING the eyeball juice. OK, YUCK. Who in the hell wants to watch that? They were only getting 50 thousand bucks, and that is only if they win! I wouldn't do that for a million! I like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, yes, but that is NOT REAL. I was so grossed out that I thought I was gonna barf up my chili. Those are some seriously macho women, I tell ya. I thought I was tough because I can lift more weight than most of the guys in the gym and I've jumped out of an airplane, but if I had to go anywhere near my mouth with cow eyeballs, suddenly all my tough-girlness would vanish into a sea of barf, and then I would probably do the "Oh, ick!" dance and spend an hour drinking and gargling mouthwash. I've even seen dead bodies when I interned for the police department. I handled THAT.

New Shoes

I bought new shoes yesterday. The heel on my old shoes broke off. I loved those shoes so much that I wore them until they fell off my feet, literally. My new shoes are shiny and hip, and they are GIVING ME BLISTERS. They are leather, but they need to be broken in. They are a good brand, cost me a fortune, and when I tried them on, they felt great, until today. I have a horrible time with new shoes, that is why I procrastinate buying new ones until it is absolutely critical. I am supposed to work at the restaurant tonight in them, but I think I may have to find another pair to wear until these ones have been worn a little more because I am walking like Frankenstein. The leather is stiff. Yikes, I didn't know I could write this much about a stupid pair of shoes.

It is raining like hell here, lots of flooding. Thankfully, I live on a hill. This sucks when it snows, though. OH! and I almost forgot to tell you! I purchased a "Leatherface" mask yesterday for Halloween. My husband is going to wear it and scare all the little kiddies in the neighborhood! Hehehe, I'm evil, aren't I? We are borrowing a chainsaw without a chain, too! OOOHHH the joy of seeing terrorized children, it will be like my own little haunted house. I'm not sure what I'm going to be yet. Leatherface's wife, I guess. I'll get my nails done and painted black, maybe wear an Elvira wig or something. I don't know.

Crazydogmama's Movie Reviews

Miss me? Ok, it is time to start doing movie reviews. I watch TONS of movies. Not just at the theatre, but I get movies every week from Netflix. I don't watch a whole lot of regular television, just a couple of sitcoms. I consider myself a movie-watching pro. I like some stupid movies, and I like some great movies, but I know the difference between the two and I'll give you my honest opinion. Here goes:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Remake 2003)
I must admit, I LOVED IT! Is it going to win an academy award? No. Does it have stellar acting? No. BUT, what a fun ride! Lots of gross stuff, lots of running and screaming, and it wasn't "stupid" like most horror movies over the last decade have been. The acting wasn't actually that bad, just not the best I've ever seen. I wanted the good guys to get away. (Not usual for me.) The picked-up-on-the-side-of-the-road girl dilemma was a great touch. Some really good cinematography on that one. My husband and I held hands during the movie, and yes, he liked it too. They could have done better, yes, but I will be buying the DVD when it comes out. Some other favorite horror movies (and thrillers) of mine: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original), Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silence of the Lambs, Poltergeist, The Exorcist, Aliens 2, The Thing (remake).
Rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cabin Fever
What a disappointment. I was excited to see this one, but it was lame as hell. Too predictable, not scary, and not enough originality. REALLY BAD acting. The gross parts were even fakey. I wanted all the characters to die. They were irritating. Oh well.
Rating: 1 star out of 5

House of 1000 Corpses
Also disappointing. Rob Zombie could have done better. The DVD has some great stuff on it, however. I will probably buy the DVD just for the intro and the extra features. I wrote in a previous blog entry about this. The killings weren't original, it wasn't scary, and the ending blew. It did have some good lines and a few good moments, though. The characters were great, very memorable. I wanted the bad guys to win in this movie, they were more fun.
Rating: 2 1/2 stars out of 5

Identity
I love John Cusack, so I had to see this movie. It wasn't bad. It was interesting to watch, and the plot twist was original and unpredictable. I didn't like it enough to buy it, but I enjoyed going to see it.
Rating: 3 stars out of 5

Thirteen
Acting was really good in this one. The fact that it was based on a true story (one of the actors was the real-life girl whose story it is) made it enjoyable. I would never have believed it otherwise. Makes you not want to be a parent. I recommend the movie for a rental.
Rating: 3 1/2 stars out of 5

Igby Goes Down
I watched this movie a week ago, and I couldn't tell you what it was about. Some disturbed guy, or something. Not memorable, just weird. Good soundtrack.
Rating: 1 star out of 5

Adaptation
Not for everyone, but I liked it. Good acting, but the storyline was odd. Nicholas Cage plays a very different part in this one. I think he should stick to movies like "Raising Arizona".
Rating: 3 stars out of 5

That's it for now, more to come later.

Busy Day Ahead

The audit is FINALLY over! We didn't do so well, but it wasn't as bad as I originally thought it was going to be. Whew! Wednesday sucked bigtime. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. I did smoke a little *sigh*, but I did AWESOME this week (for me). Maybe cold turkey will work next week. ;) Diet is going pretty well, I'm eating my tenderloin beef, Granny-Smith apple with peanut butter, and water right now. Getting ready for my training session at 1. THEN, and THENNNN, I'm going to see Texas Chainsaw! I'm dragging Jim to it at 3. I haven't been this excited for a movie since Signs. I think there is something wrong with me. No one else is excited that I know, and I'm getting those "You are psycho" looks today. Oh well, that really isn't anything new. After the movie, I am going to a "Stampin' Up" party to make holiday cards. So, SEE, I'm kinda normal, right? I guess, though, doing those two things in the same day make me look like a split personality or something. ANYWAY, I will do some movie reviews in the next blog post (whether you want me to or not) so stay tuned. CrazyDogMama the movie critic is off to work.

They're all gone!

No more cigarettes. Gone. Holy crap. The only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that I got on the stupid scale this morning and I was down 3 pounds from last week. Yay! I gotta keep my mind on progress.

While I was in the shower this morning, Louie stuck his head in and started licking my leg. After the terror of wondering what the hell that was, I was delighted by the gesture. It's like he knows what I am going through. Louie is usually the macho, independent type, but when I am stressed, or sad or upset in any way, he is so cuddly and affectionate.

Found a Good Idea!

It may sound a little cheesy, but I like it! I read about this idea this morning: to list 10 things I'm thankful for really fast. (Thank you Keri and Penelope.) Here goes:

1. That I can play on the internet while I'm at work.
2. Fall weather.
3. The looks my doggies give me when I am talking to them.
4. My husband and his sense of humor.
5. My digital camera.
6. Lexapro.
7. That my parents live close and like to be around me.
8. That everyone I know is rooting for me and my desire to become a freelance writer.
9. That I can eat steak on my diet (it is a bodybuilder's diet).
10. That I can go to the gym on my lunch break instead of in the morning or at night.

Whew! There are so many things, it was hard to narrow it down.

Oh, and for any other horror fanatics out there, the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes out Friday!!! I am so excited! Cabin Fever sucked, or as my husband said, "wallowed in lameness". The TCM remake will be better (I hope) than that movie, but nothing can compare to the original. I will let you know.

The Challenge is On!!!

As I write this morning, I have food all around me. I have my 1/2 cup of old-fashioned oatmeal with Splenda, my 5 egg whites with low-carb salsa and my 1/2 cup of fat-free yogurt (strawberry!). My boss just came into my office and said "Looks like dinner, not breakfast!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys can make fun all you want. I am going to have a "10" week. My trainer has me rate my week between 1 and 10. 10 being eating/working out like a champ with no cheating, and 1 is lost total control and ate everything in sight. My weeks have been bordering on 3's lately. I want to not only win this challenge I'm doing, but I want to get my head back on straight. The smoking thing is going OK, today I will officially run out of cigarettes. My husband is going to attempt to quit with me, so this might get a little ugly. When I'm feeling stressed and cranky at home, my plan is to get the boxing gloves on and go wail on the punching bag. Hopefully I will make it to the garage and not start wailing on Jim. :) Wish me luck!

The Weekend is Here!

The audit is still not over, but I have a reprieve until Tuesday. Gotta work at the restaurant Fri and Sat, but at least I get to sleep in. Louie and Maggie miss their momma when she is working too much. My coordinated husband fell off the loading dock at work this week and hurt his back, so now I have a whiny little boy at home too. When men are sick or hurt, they are impossible. ANYWAY, I was rocking back and forth in the corner yesterday, mumbling things.

Here is a picture of Maggie (a.k.a. MAGALOPE) doing her "jumping" thing.

STRESS-O-RAMA

Yes, it is stress-factor-four around here. Not only am I running around for the audit I told you about in the last post, but my trainer has informed me that to win this contest I am entering, it is imperative to quit smoking. Smoking apparently messes up your metabolism. Crap. I knew it messed up your lungs, but YOUR METABOLISM TOO? Double-crap. Guess I gotta quit. I was completely bitched out by two trainers, actually, because they smelled smoke on me. (I guess no one knew previously.) I have quit before, but I always seem to go back to it because I love to smoke. See, eating healthy is easier because I get to HAVE bad food once in a while, but with the no-smoking thing, I NEVER get to have a cigarette again. Oh my. Crazydogmama will be cranky for a bit. WATCH OUT.

It's going to be a fun week. NOT.

So, I get to work this morning ready for a nice, normal week, nothing hectic. Yeah, right. My boss tells me that we have an FDA audit on Thursday. SURPRISE! FDA audits are about as much fun as sticking toothpicks up your fingernails. They are very stressful because the FDA can shut a company down. Without getting into the specifics of what I do (it will bore you to death) I can just say this, don't expect a whole lot of posting this week. Ugghh. I will be working OT because of the audit, and on top of that, I am scheduled to work all weekend at the restaurant. I am also starting a new challenge, instead of BFL, I am doing a MAXFORMATION through Max Muscle. That is where my trainer works. So much for relaxing, huh? Make way for SUPER- CRAZYDOGMAMA.

The kids are home and Dogmama is happy!

 

All went well at the vet. Doggy teeth are sparkly. I really like the whole "groggy" thing, they are so mellow! They are normally so spazzy, so it is nice. I took a picture of them when we got home. Here are the dopey doggies.

I'm Nervous

Louie and Maggie are going in for their dentals on Friday. Anytime they have to be anesthetized I get real nervous and panicky. They will have fresh breath again, though! It is also going to cost a fortune. I swear, I will never get ahead in my finances, there is always something pay for! It is Murphy's law that if you get extra money set aside, something will break, blow up or need cleaning. Just for fun, take a look at those choppers!