Monkey Wrench

Some very unexpected events have occurred in the last week, and I am all of a sudden questioning my life. A monkey wrench has been thrown in. The monkey wrench is good, really good, hence the confusion and questioning. There is some heart string pulling. It also made me realize how unsure I was about certain things. Sorry to be so vague; I'm sure this predicament will unfold at some point, and I won't be able to resist writing about it, but for now I need to get my head on straight and make GOOD decisions. This is happening for a reason; even others have told me they sense a good change occurring for me without them having much information. A kind of collective "this seems different, but different good". Bizarre. The other piece of this is that it was predicted by someone, and it seems to be happening exactly as spoken. October 20th could (possibly) become a very significant date for me.

Wanna Know What I've Been Doing and Eating?

I'm 3 months into training now with professional UFC fighter, Krzysztof Soszynski. He also makes my meals, which are quite yummy! My body has never hurt so much but felt so good at the same time! I am getting stronger and leaner every day and I'm loving this awesome and fun new sport!

Krzysztof's Power Breakfast:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl6SZVpzhEQ&feature=related

Egg White Pancakes with Krzysztof Soszynski:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VvM-ps8eAE&feature=relmfu

I also just got back from 'Here Comes the Boom'! It was a cute movie, but I have to say, seeing a movie with someone you know in it, and sitting in the theater WITH them at the same time is as cool as it gets! The Reign Team was all there tonight cheering and hollering, so fun! K was freaking awesome!

Here Comes the Boom

So the place I train, Reign Training Center, is renting out a movie theater for the premiere of "Here Comes the Boom" and we all get to go! My trainer K (Krzysztof Soszynski) and the owner Mark Munoz (my new friend) are in the movie! How cool is that? If you watch it, K is the guy with all the tattoos down his arm. It's funny, I can kind of relate to the main character in the movie (ha) although K doesn't punch me in the face. Yet. :-)

Never think it can't get worse!

The past month has been challenging to say the least. My great uncle died, a dear friend of mine died suddenly, and I've been trying to balance working full time from home (occasionally going into the office), caring for my terminally ill mom, and (sort of) having a social life. The social life is suffering.  John keeps wanting to get together, but I've either had my stepson over, my best friend from Seattle visiting or some crisis happening. I feel so lost right now. So many things have happened in the last 5 years, and it isn't slowing down! I can't even begin to wonder what next year will bring. I'm trying to be brave, but sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night afraid. I don't know how long my job will let me work from home. I'm just trying to survive the best I can for now. I'm on God's good humor.

I'll never learn.

Y'all wanted training stories, well I have one tonight. As you may know, I am stubborn and pig-headed, and rarely do what I'm told. K (that's what I call my trainer) must say a hundred times a session, "Just let me know if u need to rest". I could be bleeding out of my eyes, and I wouldn't admit I needed a break. I paid for that tonight and I think K worked me too hard on purpose to teach me a lesson. I kept going until I could barely stand up, then I hurled. It was mostly just dry heaves, but when you have boxing gloves on you can't wipe your mouth or open the bathroom door. I think K felt bad because he kept apologizing. LOL. I got up ready to get back to it but he said we should probably call it a night. Bah!

OK, here's the deal.

My mom is sick. Very, very sick. There isn't a whole lot of time left. I have had to take over everything and take care of her. I am working from home a lot and trying to keep it together the best I can. It isn't easy. I am sad and overwhelmed to the point of collapse. I am going to be utterly alone.

I had to break it off with John because he is never around. (I see him maybe once a month with a text or two in between.) I am not going to be his "good-enough-for-now" girl while he looks for something better online. He still has all his online dating profiles active, and I deserve more. I care about him, but I'm not doing this anymore on HIS terms. He has treated me well and I know he cares for me too, but I had to put on my big girl panties and grow a pair. Maybe he will realize I am worth it, and maybe he will just let me go, but I am done waiting around. I think he is worried about me right now because of the situation with my mom, and he has contacted me several times to make sure I'm alright, but I am staying strong. It was hard to do, but the reality is he wants to keep his options 'open'. Well, he can. I just won't be one of those options. I can't change him, and he can't change me. I'm not needy, nor desperate, and I do just fine on my own, so be it.

My trainer is Krzysztof Soszynski, the UFC fighter. He is ripping me to shreds! He makes me run, then box, then kickbox, then do pushups, then run again, then I get to swing a sledgehammer down onto a monster tire. That's the fun part. :-)  My stamina is getting better, but when I come home, I collapse. I am drenched in sweat, red-faced and can hardly move. He looks scary, but he is super sweet.  He texts me two or three times a day to make sure I am eating what I'm supposed to and feeling OK.

So that's where I'm at. My life is still a mess.

A Lean, Mean, Fighting Machine

So, I'm now doing Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) and fitness training with a personal trainer. I start tomorrow at a place owned by a UFC guy. The website: http://www.train2reign.com/

I'm going to die. That's all I know. I'm going to die.

Paying It Forward

My faith in the human spirit is being positively influenced these days, which is shocking. What will I do without cynicism? So, I was sitting in line at the drive-thru at Starbucks this morning before work. When I got to the window, the girl told me that the person in front of me had already paid for my drink and all I needed to do was "pay it forward" some time. Isn't that cool? Now I'm plotting my pay-it-forward strategy. What to do, what to do. How fun!

Amazon Book Purchases and New Favorite Songs

The latest purchases are a bit reflective of the era I seem to be in. "You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning" by Celia Rivenbark, and "Fat is the New 30" by Jill Connor Browne. They are wickedly funny!

In other news, I went to San Diego with my friend Mario to hit the Gas Lamp District and see a concert (Collective Soul) at the House of Blues. It was great fun! The hotel we stayed in was hilarious; the door to the bathroom didn't fully open because it hit the side of the bed. Pretty funny, and SO my luck. Mario has been a great friend to hang out with and distract me from the woes of my life. My new favorite songs by Collective Soul are "The World I know" and "Heavy". Thanks Mario!

50 Shades of Grey

Want to know what engrossed 100,000 women in just 1 week (including myself)? Is it intellectually written? No. Is it a completely fun, and an intriguing story? Yes! Is it naughty? Yup. It involves bondage, S&M and all kinds of controversial things. They are actually selling these novels at Costco. COSTCO! Shame on you, Costco! *Giggle*

Yup, I'm reading erotica. My friend Brandi from work came back from her vacation (with my boss, who is her boyfriend) in the Maldives and was ranting and raving about the book(s) she bought and read there that she is now obsessed with. I was intrigued, and she told me all about the "50 Shades of Grey" series. I am now done with the first book, and well into the second. I can't put them down. Does it give me ideas about my sex life? Oh yeah...

It's true, I haven't written in my blog for a while. I've been busy, yes, been having blogger problems, yes, and well, I have other things on my mind. The men in my life? I am going to plead the fifth for now. Yes, there may be something steamy in the works, but I am going to keep it to myself for now. Sorry, guys.

I will be updating soon, having blogger problems!

 Don't leave me just yet!

List Rearrangement

Just when you think you have things figured out, BOOM! The game changes. AGAIN.

Vince is still wonderful. Everyone likes Vince, and thinks he is my best bet, but I don't know exactly what his thoughts/intentions are with me. "B" and I met IRL, and he is quite possibly the best-looking guy I have ever seen in my LIFE. I couldn't believe he was with me. Even other women in the bar couldn't help but stare at him. It made me nervous. Although all of our text/email conversations were comfortable, cool and promising, the date was a little awkward and I don't think it is going to happen again. I think there may have been drool dripping from my mouth. I also think he may be one of those guys with arrested development (emotionally), and I can't deal with another one. Plus I'm not sure he is still interested anyway.

John. The enigma wrapped in an anomaly. Talked for an hour on Sunday. He has been acting totally different with me for the last month (more intense and attentive) and just when I start moving him off the list, he creeps back up into the running. Damn him! I have so much history with John, it is hard to ignore.  I cannot turn off feelings. I cannot stay mad at him.

So, to sum up, down to 2 guys, and I have no clue what to do or what will happen.

Vince, Homemade Guacamole & Cabernet

Vince, my most adorable new friend. :-)  He is a professional musician, and I get to witness greatness in action! I went over to his house (a townhome in Irvine) and he made homemade guacamole and served us cabernet in little plastic cups. LOL! Good times. He is a little odd, but totally sweet and easy to hang with.

Replacement Players

Things change around here weekly. Well, daily actually. John has moved to the bottom of the list, and I have not totally decided what I'm going to do with him. I am really frustrated, and I need to grow a spine. Screw love feelings. He is on thin ice. I went out with "W" today for a nice dinner down by the beach, but I'm afraid I'm not "feeling it". He is a nice man, but I'm really picky, and he showed up in a dirty work uniform and seemed unkempt. Bah. I guess surfers are out. Vince is good, but he is now competing for top spot with "B". "B" isn't new, but there were a few weeks where we didn't email/talk, so I thought he was gone, but I was wrong. So, we'll see what happens with all of them. Men are a pain in the ass.

Yes I am a big, huge, awful slacker with no excuse.

But I'm gonna try to give you an excuse anyway. I've been busy juggling 3 guys? Is that a good justification? No? Darn. I really have been super busy, though. Work has their impossible deadlines again, and it takes concentration not to get my boys mixed up. :-)

No matter how many guys come and go from my life, I can't seem to give up John. When I start seeing someone new, my mom asks "What are you going to tell John?" My heart kind of skips a beat when she says that, and I realize the torch is still burning. I'm not going to tell him anything. Not unless I decide to commit to someone for real, or if for some strange reason JOHN ever decides to commit to me. He frustrates the ever-lovin' shit outta me, but just when I am about to give up on him, he does or says something incredibly sweet that I'm not expecting. I don't know if he is a genius or just lucky. (Not that being with me constitutes luck.)

I met "V" a few weeks ago. He is this completely adorable professional jazz musician who has a house 5 minutes from me. He is more refined; likes fine wine and spends a lot of money taking me out to eat, but he travels a lot. Then there is "W", a local surfer from Huntington Beach. Really sweet, nice bod, and likes horror movies. All three men are very different from one another.

I am having V over for dinner probably sometime this week since he rarely gets a home-cooked meal, W and I are going to dinner on the beach on Wednesday, and John might be coming over to spend all day Saturday with me. Or not. Who knows. I never in my life thought I could be "this girl". Now I'm not a slut or anything, I'm being a somewhat good girl here, just seeing who I really connect with, if anyone. It's exhausting! And confusing! But lots of fun.

Brandi's Birthday BBQ

Went to my friend Brandi's house for her birthday BBQ. We work together. She is dating my boss, which is so convenient for me! LOL! They are both really great, and I had a good time. She has 3 German Shepherds and 3 cats now (One of her Shepherds just got adopted). They are sooo sweet!

One of Brandi's babies - Conan.  They run the house.

Brandi and Conan

Brandi's BBQ'd Chicken

My boss!  I'm so lucky. :-)

Brandi and her other baby. ;-)

Perspective

On the way home from work tonight, I got RIGHT behind a horrific accident on 405, in the middle lane, and I mean horrific! The car was unrecognizable and there was a guy laying on the freeway. Help arrived in seconds, literally, but it gave me flashbacks of my law enforcement days and arriving on scenes just like this one. I have the unique ability to detach emotionally and stay calm in a crisis, but you still take it with you. I don't know the extent of the injuries, but it couldn't have been good. My heart goes out to the everyone involved and their families. It could have been me. How we take our lives for granted.

Life

No matter how good things are, there is always something bringing me down. Why? Is this just life? Is there something wrong with me? Does this only happen to me? I have so many things to be thankful for.  My health, a great job, all my bills paid, a beautiful home with a pool, a cute dog, great family and friends who love me, the list goes on and on. I guess I'm just frustrated. I think I am mad at myself for letting someone into my heart. I know he let me in too, but things just get so complicated when you get older. So many things to consider. Why is it so damn easy to express yourself and be carefree about love when you're young? If we could only have the enthusiasm of youth again! The boldness, the resilience, the fearlessness!

I don't know what is going to happen. Not even a clue. I meet and talk to men all the time. I send some of them running with my strong personality and inability to be controlled, and some of them become good friends. There is only one that has taken up residence in my heart. I know how he feels, and I think he is even more afraid than I am. It is so silly. What are we so afraid of?

Crazy Times

I have been way too busy to see straight. Deadlines at work, working late, late night dates and no energy. I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work on Friday, slept a good portion of the day on Saturday, then John and I did our normal stay out until 5 am thing Saturday night to Sunday, so I slept most of the day on Sunday too. Now I'm back at crazy work. In between all of that, I have been emailing someone new. I'm not going to talk much about it unless it becomes something real, but so far so good. We'll see. He likes horror movies, so this is a big plus. :-)  I tell myself this: John can either commit and be more attentive than is, or he will eventually be replaced, regardless of how much I care for him. I think that's fair. I give no pressure, no ultimatum, this is just my own personal plan of action.

My stepson has instructed me to go see "Cabin in the Woods", so I will probably be seeing it this week some time. My new "guy" said he would "love to go see it with me". Yay! :-)  Apparently, it is good, and I trust his judgement.

This is what I deal with.

Hint: Note the times.

Text messages from today:
1:13 pm (You know who): "Hey sweetie, how are you doing?"
1:18 pm: (Me): "I'm good, u?"
3:46 pm: (You know who): "I'm good. Want to get together this week?"
4:00 pm: (Me): "Sure."
7:52 pm: (You know who): "What day works best for you, Thursday, Friday or Saturday?"
8:01 pm: (Me):  "Friday or Saturday"
No response.  Sigh.