Remy Martin

Here's to you, Papaw! My grandpa LOVED Remy Martin VSOP Cognac. It was his absolute favorite. So, I decided to get some, and now I'm toasting to him, to all the wonderful memories we had together. He made my summer visits to California so special. He was a special man. He was not my biological grandfather, but I could not have picked out a better one. I hope he is resting in peace, he was a good husband, a good father, a good grandfather and a good man.

I love you, Papaw.

My grandpa died today. I have very little family left. I got the call at work from my very distressed mom who is still in California. I am extremely sad, as I was very close to my grandpa when I was young. Usually, I can maintain composure until I can get to the bathroom corner, but when someone else is crying, I start crying. Immediately.

So, there I was blubbering at my desk. I'm sure everyone thinks I am an emotional trainwreck after the year I've had. No one knows what to say to me anymore. Of course, our seriously critical crunch-time started today at work, so I had to stay. It's probably best I keep busy right now anyway.

I love you Papaw. You were the best grandpa in the world. Rest in Peace.

What I miss most about vacation.

You know what I miss most about vacation (besides everything)? Taking my time. Waking up and going out on the little balcony from the bedroom to watch the sun come up, taking my time getting ready and trying different hairstyles, making breakfast, lounging on the patio at night not worrying about how much sleep I'm going to get, that sort of thing. Not being in a rush for everything.

This morning? Alarm almost makes me fall out of bed, which makes the dogs cough-bark, which makes me scream shut up for 15 minutes while I'm running off of 3 hours sleep on the hunt for a clean pair of underwear. I run out the door with wet hair, starving. Grab a coffee at my favorite stand, vibrating my leg wildly in impatience at the car in front of me who is ordering what seems like 50 coffees, while I blog and check my emails on the Crackberry.

Happy Tuesday. :-)

Dog Coughing

I think my poor dogs caught my cough. They are hacking their furry little heads off! Is that possible? It sounds so pathetic; I feel so bad. The vet said to not worry, but I am anyways. Poor little things.

No cavities!

Thunder and lightning storms are fun to watch, but they do nothing for traffic. Dentist appointments suck too. Ouch! But still no cavities, Hooray!

Let Me Explain

OK, I have completely freaked everyone out. I'm sorry. What I meant by "I'm done" is not suicide or ceasing blogging. It just meant that my brain has checked out and I'm going numb or crazy or whatever. (Not that that's much better.) The bad news will not stop coming in and I'm clinically depressed, so I just vent on my blog. It is the only outlet I have. I guess I better watch it, though, huh?

I have never dealt with so much at one time, and I have never been at such a crossroads in my life. If you were to walk a mile in my emotional shoes, you would understand. Thank you, dear readers, for your concern and support. Your comments and emails mean a lot and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just pray for me, that I can keep it together. I'm trying.

A Repeat of Monday's Mood

I'm feeling like I might be done. I don't know. Here's to you, LIFE, double!

Sick & Tired

I'm sick of being awake all night. I'm also sick of being sad all the time. No amount of therapy helps, sorry. I can talk about things until I'm blue in the face, and it doesn't make any difference. My plan is good, and I'm going to do it, but it seems so far away. Will it work? Will it make me happy? What do I do in the meantime? How do I make it through each day?

It isn't chocolate cake, but it works.

Just because I'm pissy and want chocolate does NOT mean it is that time of the month, so STOP asking. I'm pissy and wanting chocolate for entirely different reasons.

I'm bored and full now and screwed myself for getting any kind of good night's sleep with my all-day nap. Crap.

My Current Mission

It's raining and humid and dark. I've been sleeping ALL day. Literally. I woke up in a tizzy wanting chocolate cake RIGHT now. I don't know why. I don't just want it; I somehow NEED it. It is some sort of a massive craving that won't go away. It has to be chocolate, not some other lame flavor. I'm a raving lunatic right now scouring the house for anything resembling chocolate cake, and I'm not finding anything. NOTHING. I don't think that I have the patience to make a cake from scratch, and it would take too long to drive to the store and back, and then make the damn cake, so forget that. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Are my hormones out of whack? The struggle is real. Is there a cake store around here? I wonder if the neighbor has cake mix that I could buy from him. Probably not, he's skinny and male.

That is my current mission, and I don't think I can talk anymore until I get it.

Tanning & Coffee

OK, now that I'm done flipping everyone off, I'll tell you about my dumb day. Obviously, I'm not in a good way right now. When I woke up this morning, I was insanely grumpy. That is actually a little bit of an understatement, but whatever.

I noticed my tan was fading and I CAN'T HAVE THAT, so I surrendered to "Sultan Glo Tan". I know. It will have to do. How bad could it be? I also made an impulse buy (sunglasses) because on the way I realized I was braless and had no makeup on. It's OK to show the internet, though, which makes no sense. I've never claimed to make sense, though, so there is that.

After tanning, I went to "Vinaccio's", my local coffee joint and got the biggest iced mocha they were prepared to make. I've been surviving on coffee. Also, here is the new blue top I bought before my California trip that I basically live in. That is all.

Today's Mood

My Monday mood. Just so you know.

My Grandpa

I just got word that my grandpa is going to die. I am devastated. I love him so much; he is such a great grandpa. He taught me how to play chess, he told me the BEST pirate stories and let me play (carefully) with his authentic pirate sword from the Carribean. He taught me how to dive and hold my breath under water, and about all the constellations in the sky. He helped me with my math. This will be my fourth family member loss in less than a year. I don't think I can take much more.

I am also very, very worried about my mom. She is just too overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much right now, for so many reasons. It literally aches. I need my "Plan A" to expedite ASAP so I can try to be happy in this life, it won't last forever. I think I'm going to guzzle the rest of my codeine cough syrup and just pass out for the evening.

Please pray for my mom and I. God help us.

CrazyDogMama in OC?

I know, I don't exactly fit the profile there, but I could really shake things up, don't you think? I could get Juice's T-shirt and wear it out on the town. It says, "OMG STFU." LOL!

Seriously though, I think reinventing my life is going to be the best thing EVER! I'm nervous and psyched all at the same time. Hole said she wants to come and live with me and rent a room. How fun would that be? Come on down, girlie! I'm not going to skinny dip with you, though. Unless I have too much Tequila.

It seems so simple, yet it is not. There are many things (and people) to consider, and I don't want to make any (more) wrong steps. I've done my share of that. I need the planets and the stars to align, and a sign from God that this is the right move, and if it isn't, what is? Something to focus on, to look forward to, to dream about and put the details to, is helping to pull me back up. I need this. I really, really need this right now.

Crazy Enchilada Night

Preview from crazy enchilada night last night. Let's just say it was hard to get up this morning.

Death Warmed Over

Believe it or not, I am actually feeling better today. I may be over my bronchitis (for the most part), but my soul is still sicker than ever. This must be dealt with. It's important that I don't resemble death incarnate. Which is exactly what I look like in this picture. Just give me a black hooded robe and a scythe, and I'm good to go. Bah. The plan, the plan, work on the plan! That reminds me of "Fantasy Island", haha! "Da plane, da plane!" I crack myself up.

Enchilada night is coming up with the girls tomorrow (woohoo!), so I'm hoping they can pull some sunshine out of my butt. If they can't NO ONE can! LOL.

The Plan

I don't have all the details yet, of course, because it is a new plan. Duh. But I need to get out of here. Out of state. The fact that I came home from vacation and felt the black cloud envelop me almost immediately is a sign that something is very, very wrong. Another duh. Nichole was right, I've been in some sort of a black vortex, and therapy alone isn't working.

I used to think that I loved the rain and the dark and all, but the truth is, it just makes me isolate and hide and sleep all day. There are reasons beyond reasons why I need a big change like this, but I need to shake my world up and get a fresh start. Or I'm going to die. It's as simple as that. Stress, depression, anxiety, they are killers. I'm not "running from my problems", I'm just realizing a need for a big change, something I've always been so afraid of doing. (Moving out of state away from everything I know.) I don't know where this will leave my marriage. I just don't know, and I don't want to speculate right now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well, I'm tired of that. And really? What's the big deal? I'm not a pussy, so I need to get up off my damn ass. All I need to do is finish up my job. I'm going to be talking to mom about the house in California. I don't know how far I'll get with that, but that is where I'm going to start since I love it there. If that doesn't work out, well, I guess I come up with a plan B. I know this is what I'm supposed to do, because it broke my funk, and I'm feeling so much better, even physically! The coughing has slowed down today and I'm eating.

Never really thought I'd EVER be thinking this way, I thought I would live here forever. It is kind of weird but feels really good. Something to look forward to, something to get my adrenaline pumping, which I love. Why would I have adrenaline? Because it's the unknown. Flying by the seat of my pants. Don't know what to expect. My therapist likes the idea, I went to see her today. I'll keep you posted on how things develop. Lots of planning to do. Even the planning is getting me excited and putting color back into my face. Who knew?

Catch you later, I've got enchiladas and cosmos to devour at Juice's house.

I am going to apologize now for this post.

I have been fairly upbeat for the last few weeks, and it was due time for a meltdown. Now remember, I have issues and I don't choose meltdowns, they choose me. I have also been out of therapy for 3 weeks, I just got back from vacation, I'm sick and pretty much everything is one big crapcake.

Right now, I am sitting in a McDonald's parking lot by myself wondering if ordering food will just be a waste of time and money. It was about an hour drive here from where I was, and I spent a large portion of that bawling my freaking eyes out. You know, the kind of crying where you are wailing incomprehensible words to no one while snot bubbles are rolling down your face and you know you will have a headache when you are done? Yeah. Scary. I wore myself out and made myself cough more. Smart I am. Sometimes I lose all hope and faith in everything, like what the fuck is the point in ANYTHING. I like NOTHING, I have NOTHING to look forward to, everyone go to hell and leave me alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to play, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Yeah, I'm healthy.

At least I'm not like this EVERY day, right? Juice and Hole, I promise to be better for enchiladas tomorrow, OK? Don't worry, I'm WAY past the contagious part of my dying.

Dude, I am so sick.

I haven't eaten for two days, and when I tried to eat, it came back up, I'm hacking up weird shit LOUDLY and I can't sleep because when I lay down it sends me into coughing fits. The codeine cough syrup is great, but I can't take it when driving or working. I have no days off I can take because I used them all. I can't go home and sleep because I have a commitment to one of those market research thingies tonight that pays you cash. Need to go to that, but it is 3 FUCKING hours long. That means I won't be getting home until after 10pm. Awesome.

Yogagirl says Whooping Cough is going around. Great. That's just great. I should probably go to the doctor, huh? I'm a little stubborn with that. They won't do anything and charge me up the Ying Yang.

My computer screen is kind of blurry, so if I type something weird, you'll know I'm falling over. Oh, and did I mention the dizziness? Yeah. Also, it is DOWNPOURING right now and I have no coat and I'm wearing flip flops.

If you don't unpack, you are still on vacation.

I haven't even fully unpacked yet because that would finalize my vacation. I know that's weird. I don't want to fall back into the depression pit, I'm fighting it. Sometimes I wish one of my grandmas were alive, or that I had an old wise mentor to go have coffee with who could help me figure things out. My therapist is great, but you know what I mean, someone who has all that life experience who could point me in the right direction and tell me everything will be OK.