St. Paddy's Day, George, John and Holy Shit Mode

I get myself in trouble. More about that in a minute, though, let's talk about food! After a crazy all-nighter and getting home at 8 am in the morning, I took a nap and then my mom and I went up to Cath's (my Godmother) and she made us an Irish feast! Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, soda bread and Guinness beer! It was sooo good and I was starving so I stuffed myself.

George. So, George has texted and emailed me every day since we met. Awesome. Too bad he lives so far away, right? But in the last few months, guess who has been very attentive and wonderful? John. Of course. I just realized we have been seeing each other for almost a year now, how time flies! I’m not sure exactly what changed, but he is different with me all of a sudden. Still sweet and fun, but a lot more intense and serious with the emotions. So intense in fact, that I’m in “holy shit” mode.

We stayed out all night (per usual) on Friday, going to our favorite dive bar, “Crow’s Cocktails” and having a crazy, fun time. We met some people there (as always) and we were all laughing, slamming shots and dancing along with the Jukebox well into the wee hours of the morning until they kicked us out. We hung out for a while afterward, talking and sobering up, then, it started raining softly. I told him I should be getting home, but he said, “Let’s take a walk”. So, we took a romantic walk in the rain holding hands. Then something happened that was so unexpected, I almost choked on my own spit. He said the “L” word. Yes, that one. HOLY SHIT MODE. John does not let that word fly around haphazardly like some guys. Not at all. It is something I never actually expected to hear from him, even after a night of drinking. I don’t think he expected it either. Then came this:

John: “You are so great. You are the greatest woman I have ever met. Really.”

Me: “Oh, how so?” (Smiling; heart pounding; not yet recovered from the L word.)

John: “You are so sweet, fun and easy to be around. You aren’t all emotional and scattered and moody and annoying like every other woman I know, everyone loves you. I watch you. I watch men talk to you all night long in the bar, they aren’t trying to get laid, they know you are with me, but they are drawn to you, they ignore the women they are with because you are more interesting and fun to talk to. You don’t clamor for attention; everyone just comes to you naturally. It makes me smile, knowing you are with me. She’s with me! I watch you, then I start to think, Hey! Wait a minute! I want to talk to her; I want to be next to her! That’s my Cheryl! Everybody step aside!  I really appreciate that you don’t act jealous or get all pissy when I am running late. You are awesome. And I love you. And I want to be with you all the time.”

Um, what do I do now?

After just being together for 11 hours, he called me after 5 hours of sleep. I didn’t hear my phone ring the FIRST THREE TIMES HE TRIED TO CALL leaving two voicemails. (What is going on?) I groggily answered the fourth phone call. And then we talked for 2 hours. Somebody help me, here. His business is going really well right now, and he also said this perplexing little statement in passing “I am changing some things in my life; I am in transition.” WTF does that mean?

WOW.

I Just Couldn't Help Myself

I was resistant to remaining on "online dating" sites any longer, but I kept myself on one of them just for the hell of it. Out of 1004 emails over the last year on this one site (whew!) I have only responded to maybe 5 of them. Yeah, I'm pretty picky. One came along the other day, and even though he is older than the men I usually date, he is OH SO SEXY, and distinguished! Seriously ladies, don't you think so? To hell with George Clooney, this George makes my heart race when I talk to him! He is very well spoken and responsive to me, however he lives in Northern California (damn it!) but we are still getting to know each other anyway. Those eyes, sigh. You never know.

The guy before him that contacted me revealed in his 5th email that he had a girlfriend but was definitely interested in "occasional and discreet" naughty fun. DIRT BAG. And people wonder why women (especially me) have trust issues. However, instead of being mean and going off on him, I simply said, "Oh, too bad, my sexual appetite is just too strong for occasional and discreet." LOL, I can't help it. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, this is why I stay unattached and have backups. Ha!

Moonstruck

Driving home from work tonight, the biggest moon I've ever seen emerged. The pictures I took when I got home don't even come CLOSE to how it really looks. I feel like I could just reach out and touch it. I wish I could capture just how gorgeous it is, but I am no professional photographer, and my equipment is lacking. My Nikon does well, but this truly is a sight.

While I had the camera out, thought I would take a few pics of the pups. Maggie and my mom's dog, Molly. Okay, I'm hungry, gotta go. Ciao!

Peace, Quiet and Sunshine

I just spent two glorious days in utter and complete bliss. I have been laying in the 85-degree sun reading in my backyard, loving on my dog, swimming in my pool and just "being". I feel incredibly relaxed. Bills are paid, work is at work and my brain is happy and stress-free. This is the good life. Right here, right now.

There was a slight breeze as I laid down on my sunning chair just after getting out the pool. The sun felt so good on my skin and as the pool water dripped down my back from my wet hair, it kept me cool. I could smell my mom's jasmine in the planter behind me. I watched Maggie stretch her back legs out behind her as she soaked in the scene as well. The only noise was my pool heater humming, which makes me smile.  No one was bothering me, asking me questions, wanting things from me. Peace.  I found it.

My Friend Brandi, An Honorary CrazyDogMama

Brandi does not own a pet store nor run an animal shelter, she just has 4 German Shepherds and 3 cats.  Going to Costco with her is amusing. :-)  All the dog/cat food weighs more than she does.

An intellectual? Really?

I took this test thingy (my intellectualness coming out here) and this was the result:

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE

You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities.

You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.

Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

What a Week

I had to leave work early yesterday, because in mid-sentence with some co-workers, my whole body went red and I started getting welts everywhere. Allergic reaction! To what? I have no idea and neither does anyone else. My heart started beating super-fast, I hurled twice, took some Benadryl and did 90 on the freeway home. I wasn't about to pay a $100 copay for the stupid emergency room. I have an epi-pen if stop breathing. I'm fine now.

My moms are out doing something tonight, and my friend Lisa is coming over in a few minutes. We are going to make chicken enchiladas, margaritas and watch a horror movie. I turned the pool heater on this morning, but I don't know if it will be warm enough by tonight. It was down to 60 degrees, and I like 85.  Probably won't be ready until tomorrow. And that's it. That's all. Big whoop.

My 4-Day Weekend

I've become paralyzingly boring. Seriously. Friday, I slept, watched a little TV and ate dinner out with moms. Saturday, I went to an eye appointment, got tires for my SUV, then ended up taking it to the shop for new brakes, rotors, shocks and a new front left hub bearing and ate dinner with moms. Sunday, I slept.  Monday, I went to a doctor appointment, read, slept and watched TV. End of story. Pathetic. My vehicle is not yet ready, so I am working from home tomorrow, plus Maggie is going the vet again. Tell me again how this happened. I used to be fun. My blog is even boring. Shit. Kill me.

An Unexpected Valentine

Driving home from work my phone chimed. Joe. "Happy Valentine's Day, Cheryl." He always remembers me on holidays. All holidays. It made me smile. More than I thought it would.

We ended up talking for most of the night. I'm not sure I understand. If there is anything to understand.  Will somebody please help me with this? We never really had an "official" relationship, but we said many sweet things to each other. We didn't really "break up" either, life just happened, and we seemed to drift apart with our busy schedules and distance (he lives over an hour away). I think about him often, and apparently, he thinks of me too. Normally (in my experience anyway) if a man decides he doesn't want to date you, you never hear from him again. I make it easy for them and give them a hassle-free escape, if that is what they want. But Joe always contacts me on special days without any prompting.

I suppose I will just enjoy it for what it is. But it is perplexing to me. On Thanksgiving when I heard from him, he said this, "Hope you and your mom have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I am very blessed and thankful for my family, friends and meeting the most extraordinary people (that would be you). I hope you know how special you are."  Guys don't talk like that. Of course, Joe is the one my mother likes. Go figure. I don't know. I truly resolve to know nothing here. Life is strange. Men are even stranger.

Happy VD

Wanna be mine?

I'm going to get in trouble for this.

My mom. She weighs about 100 pounds. We went out to Mexican food last night and she had two sangrias. Which knocked her on her ass. As we were driving off in the car, she exclaimed "Wheeeeee!" I suggested we go get some coffee. I ordered a mocha. The barista asked, "Hot or Cold?" I said "Hot." My mother then blurted out "I want an iced latte, HOT!" Gotta love her. LOL!

A Late Date, Mortgage-Free, and What I'm Reading

I saw John last night for the first time in a while. We had a really good time, went to our favorite dive bar and I rolled into my driveway at 5:07 am this morning. I kind of backed away a little before as things were getting a little serious, and he needed to concentrate on his business, but he started emailing me and texting me again a few weeks ago and I couldn't help but say yes to seeing him. Missed his lips! LOL.  But it's all good, we actually have a lot in common and spent most of the wee hours of the morning talking. How I love that.

Here is the big news, I'm mortgage free! Actually, I'm completely debt-free for the first time in my life! House in WA finally closed, truck is paid off, credit cards are paid off and I make more salary now than I ever thought possible. I'm in heaven! Ah, how things change. And I worked my ass off for it. 

John still paid for drinks, though, gotta love him. :-)

Got up around 2:30 pm today. (Well, hey, I got home at 5 am.) Then I made an espresso and have been reading. I'm currently reading "The Leopard" by Jo Nesbo, and it is sooooo good! I'm all cuddled up with Mags because it is freezing. Yes, I'm freezing at 60 degrees, shut it. We even have the heat on in the house, and I'm still cold. I'm an official California weather-weenie now.

Oh Holy Hell!

So, my LinkedIn account just sent EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON who has EVER emailed me an invitation to connect. So yes, that includes my ex, old boyfriends and every creep I've dated in the last two years.  Oh, Jesus God please help me. I'm sorry everyone who just got bombarded. You can link me back of course if you still like me. LOL! How embarrassing. Life certainly is interesting when technology goes berserk.

Wancakes and The Excavator

I had the bright idea this morning to make waffles with my handy dandy waffle iron. I thought I had waffle mix. I did not. My mom said, "Just use Bisquick, it's the same thing". For the record, NOT TRUE. I also thought it would be a great idea to put chocolate chips in the batter as well as substitute vegetable oil with coconut oil (which is the cure for cancer I'm convinced, but I'll save that for another blog). Let's just say my intentions were well meant.

I followed the recipe on the back of the Bisquick box. Looked good, smelled good. Poured the batter onto the waffle iron grid. Nice and thick, perfect! Lid down. I watched the batter ooze out over the sides and onto the counter (I could hear my mother's head exploding) and went about making the bacon. A few minutes later, I raised up the lid excited to see my waffle creation. It looked like someone had vomited up flies. Sooo not what a waffle should look like. OK, well, shit. I got the Bisquick box back out and noticed that the only difference between waffles and pancakes was 1 egg. Cool. I put another egg in my batter and got out the pancake pan. I pushed the waffle iron aside.

I brought out a nice plate of pancakes with butter and syrup accompanied by crisp bacon out to Ma. She was nice and ate one, but the look on her face resembled that of a 6-year-old who desperately wanted to spit the broccoli back out onto to their plate and go back outside and play, but if they did, they would be punished and sent to their room. She excused herself from the table and spent the next hour cleaning my waffle iron mumbling something about going OUT for dinner. Okay, so it wasn't my best culinary moment. Bisquick blows.

Dinner at Claim Jumper. Cath, Ma and I went out for a tasty meal. Afterward, we all ordered dessert. I had the mini English toffee cake (yum!) and Cath and Ma split an eclair. I laughed because both of them are skimpy eaters, and the damn thing was the size of a watermelon. Watching them share it was, how should I say this, like watching the female version of "Grumpy Old Men". My mom went right for the custard inside with a spoon, as Cath just forked off pieces at her end. By the time they got to the middle I watched Cath's brow furrow as she tilted her head sideways with a WTF look and exclaimed, "You excavated all the custard out!" The only thing missing was a comma and the word "asshole" after that sentence. LOL! They bantered back and forth about it for several minutes. It was better than Comedy Central, I tell ya.

And that was my excitement for the weekend. There was NO FOOTBALL at our house. I read most of the day instead.

I love answering questions.

1. Would you rather be an Olympic athlete or win American Idol?

Olympic athlete. The only thing I hate more than “American Idol” is “Desperate Housewives”.

2. If you could live in any US city, which would it be?

You know, I like right where I’m at! Although I’m sure once I start doing more traveling, I will fall in love with other US cities. I really want to go to New Orleans this year. I really enjoyed NY, but I wouldn't want to live there more than a year.

3. What was the first blog you ever read?

Skwigg!

4. What was your favorite CD in 7th grade?

They did not have CD’s when I was in the 7th grade. :-/

5. Mac or PC?

PC

6. Who was your first kiss?

Eric. I met him at church camp in 9th grade. He was a rocker with LONG hair. LOL

7. Sandwich or salad?

Sandwich. Big one.

8. Country music or rap?

Country

9. If you had no restraints (time, money, etc.), is there something different you would do with your life at this moment?
 
I would go adopt a bunch of dogs from rescue and hire someone to clean up poop and wash out crates.
 
10. Who was the last person you talked with on the phone?
 
Jenny. We are trying to figure out a way to go to Hawaii in April or May!
 
11. The last movie you saw in the theater?
 
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
 
12. Something you are ashamed of.
 
My last ping pong game at work. Maybe that's what's wrong with my wrist.

Innovation

So apparently we don't have a lid for this pan. LOL. My mom, so clever.

Speaking of clever, I'm not so much. I got a call from corporate today, and I spoke with a manager who asked me to take the lead on a project. OK, sure, no problem. They want me to reconfigure our entire change process to make it more efficient. Sure! Just let me start messing with the coding for our 3-million-dollar software! Piece of cake! Holy fucking shit. Are you KIDDING me? I'm the one that crashes it weekly, don't they know? I knew there was going to be a catch to that atomic raise they gave me. Fuuuuck. Goodbye, life, nice knowing you.

Those damn birds again!

The Kindle Fire rocks. However, don't let the $199 price tag fool you. After you buy the leather case, a new state-of-the-art router, start using the one touch "buy" button for apps, kindle books and other little goodies, your bank account is down roughly $500. Bah!

I had an awesome evening with fam & friends eating pizza, drinking lemon drop martini's and playing cards. (Disney UNO has "evil" cards!) My friend Lisa and I stayed up past everyone else watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" reruns, then she fell asleep, and I played the new Angry Birds 2012 seasons "Year of the Dragon" and OMG the next thing I knew it was 3 am. This did not help my wrist at all. I need the new ABA group therapy (Angry Birds Anonymous), where everyone sits arounds twitching in withdrawal making grunting Hitler pig noises.

Ouchie

Leave it to me to injure myself. My wrist is unhappy. It hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. I don't even know for sure how I did it, and I don't know yet what is wrong with it. The doctor thinks I probably damaged a tendon, but it feels broken to me and ACHES. X-rays won't be ready until next week and they won't give me painkillers! (Time for a new doctor.) I have to wear this damn thing for 4 weeks. I can't do any friggin' thing. Driving hurts. Sleeping hurts. Drinking a beverage hurts. Typing hurts. Changing channels on the remote hurts. You should see my hair.

Andy, my boss, yelled at me on Friday (he is so awesome, I love him) because I wouldn't go home.  Before lunch he said, "You need to go home and stop trying to type with a broken wrist. For God's sake you are typing with your body at a 35-degree angle because of that thing! I'm going to lunch. If you aren't gone by the time I get back, oh forget it, I know you'll still be here. I don't know why I bother." (Mumbling and waving his hands in the air as he walks out the door.) An hour later he walks in back from lunch, sees me, shakes his head and says, "Of course you are still here.", goes in his office and slams the door. LOL!

A spending spree for me! Because Christmas is over.

I decided to purchase 13 items off of my Amazon wish list on a whim. I *LOVE* that I can do that! There are still 45 items being wished for on there, so I wasn't ridiculous about it or anything.

Kindle Fire + Leather Case + Car Charger

Book "The Secret of Happy Ever After" by Lucy Dillon

Blu-Ray DVD "Secretary"

Blue-Ray DVD "The Descent"

DVD "Sherrybaby"

DVD "Friends, Season 3"

Black Gel Eyeliner

Teal Gel Eyeliner

2 Makeup Brushes

Mermaid Nail Polish

I'm totally set for entertainment & style for a while!

Old Days and Nowadays

My mother bought a few old movies. I've never really enjoyed old movies before, and never took the time to watch any of them, but she insisted so I gave in. We just watched "Bell, Book and Candle" with James Stewart, Kim Novac and Jack Lemmon. OK, I admit it, I enjoyed it. Actors of old are a little dramatic, but it works.

But what really struck me was how romance was so different. I get so sick of watching movies where two people meet and they are in bed in 5 minutes, then it doesn't work out and they meet another, and then more sex in 5 minutes. It bugs me. I guess I don't belong in this era, huh? Everyone I know has given in to the current times, but seriously, if I slept with every guy I dated, well, GOOD GOD, GROSS! But being old fashioned gets you nowhere, let me tell you. I guess that is why I'm flying solo. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but how it is thrown around so carelessly now just makes me ill. I can't tell you how many times I've met a guy and they would ask me how big my boobs are or how I felt about anal sex on the first frigging phone call. I mean, COME ON. Call me nutty, but I just hung up. But it's not just guys, if you won't do it, be assured there is a woman not 20 feet from you who will. I can't, or should I say won't, compete with that.

In the last two years of dating, I've met only one man who was sincerely respectful. Joe. I wish it would of worked out because he really was quite chivalrous, and I have to tell you that his behavior was more of a turn-on to me than anything else. Oh well. I'm off to watch another sappy old movie, "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir".  LOL!

Can you relate to # 11? I can relate to # 11.

32 Truths for Mature People

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this, ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Hot damn, I done did good!

Here is where I get to brag a little about myself, which is rare.

Ever since I was promoted to management and relocated down to California by my company to be part of the build-out of our new plant in Seal Beach, my workload has been, well, INSANE. Not only has there been a ton to do, but it had to be done with impossible deadlines, minimal staff and with dead-on accuracy. It was a lot of pressure over a long span of time. Not only have I managed to double my salary in two years, but I just received SPECIAL recognition AND reward by executive management for going above and beyond the call of duty.

When called into the Director's office, I was FLOORED at the reward and fumbled for words. I'm surprised I didn't burst out in tears. I really just wasn't expecting that. I've always kind of felt like this easily replaceable peon, but I was just told that our commercialization here could "not have been done without me". Well, I don't know about that, but I have to say it sure felt good to hear it! The Director kept saying things like "Yes, we DID notice all those late nights, weekends and holidays you worked, and yes we DID get personal feedback sent to us from many individuals from all the different sites saying how much they appreciated your help, flexibility and attitude. You are well liked and sought out over your counterparts."

I am kind of in a stupor about it. I should probably snap out of it and get to work before they take it all back. :-D

Motherly Advice

It is ex-fucking-hausting having two goddamned mothers.

Biological (Bio) Mom: You need to call the doctor.
Godmother (not fairy): You really should call the doctor.
Bio Mom: Have you called the doctor yet?
Godmother: Call the doctor on your lunch break.
Bio Mom: Don't forget to call the doctor.
Godmother: Why haven't you called the doctor?
Bio Mom: You really need to tell the doctor you aren't taking those pills anymore.
Godmother: Let me know what the doctor says.
Bio Mom:  When are you going to call the doctor?
Godmother: Did you get the link I sent you? Show it to the doctor.
Bio Mom:  Why don't you schedule a Saturday appt.?
Bio Mom:  You haven't called the doctor, HAVE YOU?!?

Me:  Shut up! Both of you! The more ya'll bug me, the more I don't wanna call the doctor. Leave me ALONE.

Bio Mom (on the phone with Godmother): She just said the more we bug her, the longer she will take to call the doctor. She says she hates doctors; they don't help, they just tell her to lose more weight and quit smoking. I know! Well, it's her fucking life if she wants to be that way.

Me to the blogosphere: Help me, please.

AMEN, Frank Kaiser!

"One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible. Today, now in my 70s, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.  But, I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty. As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

-An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.

-An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

-An older woman has been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!

And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

-Her libido's stronger.

-Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

-Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

-And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

-Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

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“If the Lord made anything better than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

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-An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!

-Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

-Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.

-An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

-Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old coot clinging and whining his way into your serenity."

-Frank Kaiser

Books

After finishing "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" in 3 days, I am now on a reading kick. I like the escape into other peoples messed up lives, rather than dwelling on my own.  Here is the current lineup:

"The Girl Who Played with Fire" by Stieg Larsson

"Walking Back to Happiness" by Lucy Dillon

I love online shopping. I get a bazillion magazines and catalogs in the mail because of my addiction to it. Shopping is way better while done in jammies, coffee in hand, and dogs at feet. No getting dressed, no driving, and no getting annoyed with crowds. Amen.

All my shows.

Yeah.  I watch a lot of TV.  I have zero energy when I get home from work like most people, so I plop my butt down in the recliner and zone out.  I also have no life to speak of at the moment, so there ya go. 

The newest show in my arsenal is "Rizzoli and Isles". It is this cheesy little cop show that is totally inaccurate, but I love Rizzoli, a smart-ass female detective. If I would have stayed in that line of work, I would totally be her, except I'm not tall, skinny or brunette. I usually don't like those kinds of shows, but this one stuck for some reason. My mom got me hooked on "Bones", too. The rest of my DVR consists of "Big Bang Theory" (I heart Sheldon), "Two and a Half Men" and even though it was technically a better show when Charlie was in it, Ashton is growing on me, I have to admit. He is much more lovable. In real life I cannot abide a stupid man, but it works in a sitcom. I may watch 2 shows coming up called "The River" and "Alcatraz", too.

Then there are my beloved HBO series shows. "Enlightened", "True Blood" and "The Big C". Oh, and let's not forget the history, discovery, animal planet and other such channels. Gotta watch me some mega disasters and scary, elusive creature entertainment. Armageddon week is over, though. Bah! :-(

When my DVR is empty, I watch movies. Nothing else was on, so I watched "Soul Surfer" the other night. Surprisingly, it was a really good flick. I actually felt quite inspired and all warm and fuzzy at the end. Not typical emotions for me. Usually I'm balling, annoyed and flipping off the TV screen by the end of a sappy film. I think I'm perimenopausal, so that really just doesn't help.

I'm sick of typing now, so bye.

What sucks worse than going back to work?

Getting 2 hours of sleep before having to go back to work. I am naturally a night owl, so if I have more than 4 days off in a row, I get all turned around. So, for instance, my new hours became go to bed at 4 am and wake up at noon. Oftentimes those hours also included a nap around 3 pm. Yes, really. I had to wake up at 7 am today, and it is now 2:30 pm. I want to die, pure and simple. I've had two espressos and an energy shot, and it is still an effort to sit up in my chair. When someone asks me a question, I have a delayed response of about 3 minutes.

I got a brochure in the mail for my local community college, and they are now offering cheap classes for non-students. I am going to take a journalism class, a digital photography class and an Adobe Photoshop class, all for about $150 plus materials. I need to fill my life with more than work, sleep, eat.

Speaking of eating, it is time for my snack. An Ostrim stick.

Favorite blogger statement of 2011, regarding the yearly OB visit, "So then came the fun part, you know, when the doctor inserts a car jack into your vagina."  -Dooce

Favorite realization of 2011: I can say VAGINA whenever I want with NO consequences! Oh, didn't I tell you about almost getting disowned by my former in-laws? Yeah, I said "Vagina" on Easter. You seriously wouldn't believe what was discussed at our holiday dinner table this year! Oh wait, yes you would.  VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!

I cannot follow a thought all the way through at the moment, so that is why this post goes all over the place like I took too big of a hit off a joint.

2012!

Well, here we are, 2012! What will this year bring? It is my first post of the new year, and I am happy to report that I am feeling pretty good. I drank entirely too much coffee last night so that I could ring in the new year at midnight, but the coffee lasted a little longer than intended and I didn't fall asleep until 4 am.  Bah! It is time to take the Christmas decorations down, do my laundry, program my new universal remote and my new state-of-the-art GPS. I also change out my picture frames with my favorite pics from the year now as a tradition.

I wished all my friends and family a Happy New Year and took Mags for a quick car ride up to the store. I tried one of those small 5-hour energy drinks, and WEEEEE they work!  I'm all shaky like I had 15 cups of coffee. My mom is making me her best dish tonight, roast with potatoes and carrots. I love how she caramelizes the carrots and the potatoes have the roast juice all over them. Yum! I don't go back to work until Tuesday, but I saved all the un-fun tasks I need to do at home for today and tomorrow. What was I thinking? Starting out the New Year with chores.  Hrmph!  I need to re-think this next time.

Well I hear my mama-san getting the Christmas boxes out, guess that means it is time to get going. Happy New Year to you all! Hope this is your best year yet!

XOXO, CrazyDogMama

I did it!

I just spent THREE days straight finishing "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" book before I went and saw the movie. I am a slow reader, but I ingest every word into my memory. The movie was good, but the book was phenomenal! The first third is back story, the second third is fascinating, and the last third explodes all over the place! Lisbeth is awesome. LOVE what she does to the rapist, and now that this idea is out there, every "rapist pig" better watch out.

Merry Christmas Eve!

OK, here's the scoop. Went to the doctor. She didn't seem alarmed, said it was probably an infection. I'm on antibiotics for now, getting a chest x-ray next week just to make sure, and going from there. I do not feel sick, and my lungs feel good as far as breathing goes, so hopefully it is just one of those things. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers!

Vacation Day 1, Friday: Woke up at 11:30 am because I stayed up until 3 am the night before watching this awful, horrible, sad movie about this dog whose master dies and the dog keeps waiting at the train station for NINE YEARS for his dead master to come home who never comes home. It is a true story and there is a statue of the dog where he waited all that time. OMG, bring on the snot bubbles! No wonder I love dogs so much, what human has that kind of loyalty? NONE. But I digress, I made breakfast burritos, then my mom and I drove up to Cath's, went to dinner, then to a Christmas church thing which was really good, and I cried some more. I'm so freakin' sappy. In the middle of the day just before church, I got two panicked calls from two different coworkers in NJ. I helped them through a crisis and appreciated all the really funny banter that we shared about having no life and working all the time. I've been promised See's candy and cash transfers to my PayPal account for saving their butts and helping during my vacation. LOL! I told them just to forward nice emails to my boss and also Santa. I worked on their problem once I got home and finished at about 2:30 am.

Today I'm probably going to make some homemade hot buttered rum batter, bake some cookies, then maybe go over to Downtown Disney with the ma and have coffee and shop and look at all the pretty Christmas decorations.

OK I'm hungry, I gotta go.

At least it is a pretty Christmasy Red

So yeah, I'm coughing up blood. Neat. Here's a little piece of advice, don't look up symptoms you have on the internet, they tend to go to the extreme. Am I scared? Not really. It's probably something dumb like a broken capillary, but if it's not, well, then it's not. I'll deal. It's probably something I've brought upon myself. I have a wonderful little 11-day vacation starting Friday, and what I DON'T WANT is to spend all of it at the doctor. This kind of thing needs to happen when I don't have time-off already scheduled. Bah!  It tastes icky. I'd make a horrible vampire.

An answered prayer, and I didn't even know it!

A little while ago, October 17th to be exact, I wrote the following prayer down. I even briefly posted it on here, but then took it off. Can't remember why. I highlighted the last part, and if you read the post below this one that I wrote late last night (early morning), you will see that my prayer was answered about "being OK" with walking my road alone.

Dear God,

I'm sure you probably like it better when we pray, but I am a better writer than I am a pray-er. You know I fall asleep before I finish, and my mind wanders around on everything anyway. I'm more focused this way.

First, I want to thank you for all the things you have given me and all the prayers you have already answered. I am safe and warm, my bills are paid, I have a great job and for the first time in my life I have a savings account and money left over each month. I live in a beautiful house with a pool, you have averted me from cancer, and I have family and friends who love me. This is nothing to shake a stick at, I know. There was a time when I had no idea how I was going to get gas in my car and I was so stressed out and burnt out I thought I was going to have a stroke. This is a big difference, and I don't feel worthy of it, but thank you nonetheless. I'm sorry I haven't taken very good care of the body you have given me. I know the ailments I have are my own fault. I just ask for your help to change all these bad habits of mine.

There are so many people I want to pray for. Not just my loved ones, but for all the people who have touched my life. Stay close to them, even if they don't know you or have forgotten about you. Maybe they will feel you some day, like I do. You know all their names.

OK, here comes the hard part. I have got to be the worst so-called Christian who ever walked the face of the planet. I don't do anything right. NOT ANYTHING. No wonder you had to send Jesus. Here I am with this great life and I'm what? Sad. I have everything, and I am freaking sad. It's stupid, but I don't know what to do about it. You say in the Bible we are supposed to have joy, even in suffering. I'm not good at that. In fact, you could say I royally suck at it. I'm sad in suffering, and I'm sad when everything is fine. I'm SUPER good at doing the opposite of everything you ask of me, however. If you could forgive me, that would be awesome.

I don't know what you had/have planned for me to do, but I'm sure I'm not doing it. I want to change that. I want to do whatever it is I am destined to do for you, no matter how small. You will probably have to keep repeating yourself to me, though, because I don't listen well and I procrastinate. But you know that.

One last thing. It's about my heart. It is broken. Can you fix it? Maybe you have me slated to be this independent woman who doesn't need a companion, but if that is true, can you help me like it?

That is all for now. Thanks for listening. I love you. Good night.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Cher

SEE? It is important to write things down! Blogs are good!

Do you ever wonder?

Yup, I'm having one of those I-can't-sleep-and-feeling-a-dark-blog-coming-on kind of nights. I struggle with major depression and anxiety, and sometimes I'm just too tired to fight it. Although all my different shrinks have told me I'm not crazy or Bi-Polar or anything like that, I do suffer from a form of PTSD, which is ironic if you know anything about my life.

There are certain things that trigger my meltdowns and I've learned just to let it happen. You can't side-step it, run from it or ignore it. You have to just accept it and hold on for the ride. I'm not alone in this; almost everyone I know deals with "stuff". Young, old, middle-aged, male, female, doesn't matter. Life is funny that way, it is no respecter of persons. I am not special or extraordinary or any worse off than anyone else. And you know what? There is no passing the buck. My life is my own, and so is yours.  You can't blame your parents, God, the devil, bad luck, karma, your ex or your genes on how things turned out for you. Nope, you can't. You can try, but good luck with that.

Yes, some things happen that are out of your control, but how you deal with it is up to you. I am constantly trying to change my thinking and just surrender myself over to God, but it is HARD. Think about it though, how else do you develop character if you don't have to wade through the shit pond every once in a while? I will admit, sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing here. On Earth, I mean. I often want to die because I can't think of any reason to stay. But then I snap out of it and go have a cookie. In therapy, they always have to ask you if you are "suicidal" for obvious reasons. I always say this, "Yes, sometimes, but I don't think death is going to be any easier than life, so I realize there isn't any point." That always gets an interesting reaction.  LOL.

I actually do think there is SOME reason I am still alive and kicking, why God hasn't given me the pink slip just yet. Hell, if I know what it is, but yeah.

Here is the weird part. I *am* starting to change. I used to be this dating machine, excited and exasperated all the time trying to find some great guy. The last date I was on was August 27th, with John. I've been asked out several times since then, and even had dates scheduled with different men, but for some reason I stopped emailing back, didn't return phone calls, and cancelled dinners. It all of a sudden just didn't seem that important anymore. About a month ago I was looking at my credit card statement and saw all the recurring online dating site charges. It was a lot of money. I cancelled them all that day. I am still a member of one, a free one, but I only check it if I get an email, and 99.9% of the time I do not respond for some reason or another. John still sends an occasional text wishing me a happy birthday or some such thing, and I still hear from Joe every once in a while. Other than that, I'm just meandering about. I don't know if there will ever be someone else. And I'm not really sure I care. But this is not the source of my depression, it never has been.

Wow. I'm putting myself to sleep, so I'm sure I lost you awhile back. I'm gonna shut it now and go lie down. Gotta try and turn it off for a few hours, must work tomorrow.

Making Memories

Cath helping us make jam cake.

Mom got me an espresso machine.

Christmas decorations.

All the pups in one photo.

Santa Visits a Wee Bit Early

The kids are flying back to Seattle for Christmas, so we did our celebrating with them this weekend. We had the new traditional Christmas dinner of pizza and spaghetti with meatballs from Biagio's because Crazydogmama's ass is kicked. Then, we opened the pretty presents and watched a movie. Grandma and Auntie Cathy pooped out early. It is getting awfully chilly here for SoCal and it is actually feeling a bit "Christmasy" this year. The pool is 53 degrees and the poor pool heater just looked at me and said, "I don't think so".

Red Bull Tastes Like Feet

Bleck! That stuff is NASTY! I am so sleepy today that I fell asleep in my car at lunch. We have Red Bull in our vending machines for 25 cents, so I thought what the hell. I want my 25 cents back. I am going to hurl.

The Mystery of the Kleenex Box

OK. I keep a Kleenex box on my nightstand on my left side. It is always there; I never move it. Maggie cannot reach it. A few nights ago, as I was finally starting to drift off to sleep, I hear an awkward and slight "thud/crunch". I thought it was probably my cell phone falling off the bed (yes, I sleep with it, shut up), as it often does, but I felt around my pillow for it, and there it was, untouched. Curious, I got up and switched on my lamp. The Kleenex box was on the RIGHT side of the bed on the floor. It was not there when I got into bed. I no longer thrash about after getting into bed due to my new awesome memory form mattress, there is nothing to set it onto on the right side, and there is no way for it to get over to the right side without SOMEONE MOVING IT. I did not move it, Maggie was under the covers, and the fact that I heard it landing on the floor means it got there BY ITSELF. I even asked my mother if she had been messing with it and she swore she hadn't touched it. I'm a little creeped out and thinking maybe I should lighten up on the horror movie watching before bed.

Christmastime and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

This is the first time I have decorated for Christmas since 2006. It was done for me in 2007 when my dad passed, I just went through the motions in 2008 and then my life fell apart further as you long time readers know, and I just sort of "skipped over" Christmas as best I could. Not this year! I spent all of Saturday decorating, drinking spiked eggnog and listening to Christmas music with my two moms and all the puppies. Magadog, Molly and Cath's dog Saydee. Good times. My mom carried on our tradition of getting a new ornament each year, and she got this really pretty Mickey ornament from Disneyland for us. You would all be proud of me, I LET OTHER PEOPLE HANG ORNAMENTS ON THE TREE. This was a big step for me, I guess all the therapy has paid off.

Late last night as the wind was kicking up and it was cold out, I curled up with Magadog and my new book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Everyone I know has raved about it, so with the movie coming out on the 21st, I thought I would get it read.

Eggnog Lattes and Chocolate Whoopie Pies

These will be the end of me. Any and all healthy living progress has been squashed into oblivion for the moment, and I blame Starbucks. Maybe I should just open up my own coffee shop and call it CrazyDogMama's? This would solve so many problems, except of course my weight problem. But still.

Turkey Day Success!

I was the sole chef for this year's Thanksgiving, and for a record number of people, SEVEN. Bill (my stepson), Robby (Bill's best friend), Erica (Bill's girlfriend), Mom #1, Mom # 2, Mom # 2's son's girlfriend Lisa and myself. The most I had ever cooked for previously was six, and that was with help. I did it! We had crab/artichoke dip with baguette, and salami, cheese, and crackers for appetizers (and champagne). I got Java Chip Haagen Dazs ice cream for those who don't like pie (me). I had to cook the turkey the day before, because we did turkey AND ham because Erica hates turkey, and there was no way to cook that much stuff in one small oven in one day. I also prepped most of the side dishes on Wednesday so I wouldn't have a full-on panic attack on Thursday. I also cleaned and did last minute shopping and hurt my back. AGAIN. (Thank God for muscle relaxers and wine.)

Kids drove down Wednesday night and we all chatted while I chopped. Thursday was a fun-filled day of food, drink and laughter. Our new tradition for "Black Friday" is Disneyland, starting last year and continuing this year, however I completely pooped out at 4 pm and went home and took a nap, then went back at 9 to pick up the kids. I'm old! But instead of going home, they made me go see Paranormal Activity 3 again because it was essential that we see it together. OK. Fine.

Saturday the kids helped me put up the Christmas Tree and then I kicked them out so I could sleep for the next 30 hours. Which I did.

Yes, I am FINALLY posting!

Best Birthday EVER! My very best friend on the planet (Jenny) from Seattle, flew down last Friday night. My two moms and I picked her up at Long Beach airport and since it was almost 10 pm, we decided we needed pie and coffee to keep us awake! After we got home, the appletini's put us to sleep.

Saturday, on my actual b-day, we spent a few hours down at Laguna beach goofing off, eating and buying a bunch of stuff we didn't need. Funny story. We had decided to get a coffee and share a chocolate croissant, then walked over to some benches that overlooked the ocean. A bunch of birds flew down around us and I (stupidly) picked a small piece of my croissant off and fed a pigeon. Then, suddenly, a HUGE seagull swooped down and grabbed MY ENTIRE HALF CROISSANT RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND. I was all WTF just happened? Jenny was rolling.

That night we went to BJ's Brewery for dinner (I had a Maui glazed pork chop) and went back the house for ice cream cake and lemon drop martini's. What? They totally go together!

Sunday it was Disneyland time. We went from acting 40 to acting 4. OMG, so much fun. Lasted almost 12 hours. We got soaked on Splash Mt. and the Grizzly River Run. Jenny got it the worst.

Monday, we slept in, I made eggs benedict (of course) which we ate outside on the patio and just hung out. I had to take her to the airport at noon, so the rest of the day sucked after that and now we are all pouty. The end. Absolutely nuts at work. I want Jenny back.

My New Favorite Word

I had an email conversation going with a co-worker in NJ today, and he used the word "assholular" in a sentence. I rolled.  I love new words.

Playing Catch Up

Holy cow. Busy. In the middle of selling the WA house (finally!), work is crazy, had a coworker friend from Seattle come stay with me last weekend, fun! Lots of wine! Next weekend I turn the big 4-0, and my very best friend in the whole wide world is coming to visit for 4 days! I can't wait. All this girl-time has been really good for me!

I also got a new bed. It is a Serta i-Comfort, which is similar to a Tempur-Pedic, but made with gel inside the memory form instead so you don't experience the hot/cold fluctuations. LOVE.IT. Worth all those pennies, and there were a LOT of pennies. I can finally sleep through the night.

I'm sure I will have tons of pics to share from all my adventures of late, but I haven't had time to download them. The kids are coming for Thanksgiving again, and I'm cooking this year! AAAAHHHH! And Christmas is coming, and holy crap there is never enough time for anything!

Never Argue with a Woman

One afternoon, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

"Good Afternoon, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book", she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you", says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Acupuncture WORKS!

My back has noticeable improvement already, after only ONE session! It was a strange experience, but the girl said my body was reacting strongly. (I was dizzy briefly, my teeth chattered yet I wasn't cold, and I broke out in a cold sweat.) But afterwards, I had minimal back pain and my blood sugar had dropped about 30 points, which is good since I'm a borderline diabetic.

 
I bought 4 sessions, so I'm thinking good things will emerge! In between sessions, I was given Chinese herbs and ear "points", these little seed-like things (3 on each ear) that I massage 3 times daily for nerve stimulation to a certain part of the body. This is some weird shizzle, but I have to say I feel better!

Giada is my hero!

What do you do in your spare time?  I watch Giada on the Food Network. Everything I have EVER made from her cookbooks always turns out AWESOME. WAY yummy stuff! One of my favorites is her Veal Marsala, OMG. But there are so many things I still need to make & try. She made these biscuits on the episode I watched last weekend, and DAMN, just watching her make my mouth water and my tummy growl. Must. Make. Now. Biscuits go with everything, and I can't think about anything else. I'm trying to decide what kind of jam to put on them, and whether or not I should make eggs, too?

Pancetta Biscuits by Giada De Laurentiis

Biscuits:

• 1/4 pound pancetta, diced
• 1 (8-ounce) box store bought biscuit mix
• Buttermilk (in place of the liquid in the boxed biscuit mix recipe)
• 1/4 cup shredded Fontina

Cinnamon-sugar butter:

• 1/2 vanilla bean
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
• 1 stick butter, at room temperature

Directions:

To make the biscuits: In a sauté pan, heat the pancetta over medium-high heat and cook until crisp, about 5 minutes.

In a large bowl, make the biscuits according to the box instructions, using buttermilk instead of the suggested liquid. Gently stir in the pancetta and the cheese.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Spoon the biscuit mixture onto the baking sheet and bake according to box instructions. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

To make the cinnamon-sugar butter: Cut open the vanilla bean lengthwise. Using the back of a knife, scrape along the inside of the vanilla bean to collect the seeds. Scrape vanilla bean seeds into a small bowl. Add sugar and cinnamon and stir to combine. Stir in the butter until well blended. Transfer to a serving bowl.

Serve the biscuits on a platter with the cinnamon-sugar butter alongside.

What do you get...

...when you cross a cranky CrazyDogMama with a jerk? A jerk with a limp.

It's almost getting funny.

I am such a mess; I have now hurt my back. I was playing on the floor with Maggie, and I tweaked something. Ever since, I can barely walk. I have to hold on to furniture and walls to get anywhere. I'm sitting here at work with a hot pack and my feet up looking retarded. I'm afraid I'm going to fall down and not be able to get up. I am so sick of doctors I could scream! What am I gonna do with myself?

Smoking, Church and Acupuncture

I have a pack and a half left of my Marlboro's, then I'm done. It's time. Blah. Not good for my anxiety, but I have to keep moving forward. And I'm gonna watch my language. I know, don't fall over.

I think I may have found a church that won't irritate me. I'm going to try it out. You see, I don't think most mainstream Christians would know God if he was sitting next them. I want REAL. Not warm and fuzzy, not tolerant of everything God hates, not picking and choosing what suits them out of the Bible. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. Do it, or don't. I have problems. So does everyone. But I know the Lord, and I have fallen by the wayside. I need to get up. I have no need to justify any of my behavior, I just need to change it. Period.

I am starting acupuncture for some of my ailments. I was never a big believer in Chinese medicine before, but I've researched it, and I'm starting to think there is something to it. My doctor recommended it. We'll see. Can't hurt to try. I'll let you know.

Almost in the Crossfire

I was going to lunch and had just parked. Suddenly, I saw the SWAT TEAM swarming around me! I was quickly escorted out of the shopping complex. When I got back to work, I went online and found out that some guy came and shot NINE PEOPLE at a salon!  It was just on the other side of the building I was parked at, although I didn't hear anything because I had the radio on, and the windows rolled up with the air conditioning on.  SCARY and very, very sad. I think all the people died. Pretty glad I didn't get in the middle of that. YIKES.

Habib is trying to kill me.

So my Gastrologist, Habib, who is the most adorable little man EVER who speaks with a stutter (you just want to hug him), made a most upsetting request yesterday. The results of my endoscopy revealed that I only have mild acid reflux disease, so the diagnosis for the severe symptoms I have are a combination of the acid reflux and a massive anxiety disorder. In order to lessen my troubles, Habib suggested I cut out Chocolate, Coffee, Alcohol and Smoking.

I stared at him and blinked.

Then I said, "So, let me get this straight, you are asking a WOMAN with a massive anxiety disorder, to cut out CHOCOLATE, COFFEE, ALCOHOL and SMOKING? Are you HIGH??"

He laughed very loud. I did not. Then he said, "OK, maybe just cut back."

I don't think he realizes that those are the things that keep me alive.

Time to Read

I've missed reading. Over the last few years, it has been difficult for me to read. I've read a few books here and there, but I can't seem to concentrate on anything for very long when I'm tired and home from work.  Today I spent time with my two moms, and we had a great conversation about all the different books we've read and all of a sudden, I'm all jazzed up.  So, I went up to my bookshelf and brought one down.  "Subterranean" by James Rollins is what I chose. I will let you know what I think! I'm going to go take my nightly swim and then curl up in front of the fireplace with Mags. Yup, my Saturday night. Sad, huh?

Life in 5 Short Chapters

Here I am again, struggling to make sense of things. Digging for the root of the problem. Trying to live in the now. I've had to make some tough decisions lately and it is hard to do that alone. No matter where you go, you have to take yourself with you. Do you ever get sick of yourself? Sometimes I feel like Tom Hanks' character did in "Cast Away". If I start talking to a ball, though, intervene, OK?

My therapist left me with this poem today. I fluctuate between Chapters 2 and 3.

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost, I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in, it's a habit, but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

-Portia Nelson

Mermaid or Whale?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

By: Delphine Fieberg

You know you are feeling better when...

...you are dancing around the house in your underwear at 3 am singing along to "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA, sporting vampire fangs. Yup.

I need a vacation from my own head.

For the quick update, I am going to cut and paste what I wrote on Facebook because I am too lazy to rewrite it.

Monday's procedure went well, but after I woke up, I suffered from a migraine so bad I wanted to slit my own wrists. Then, the next day I came down with a severe respiratory infection that has had me bedridden most of the week. It sounds like I swallowed a chainsaw. I am going back to work tomorrow because I can't spend one more minute at home inside my own head. I thought about a lot of stuff, and that's really dangerous.

Now here is the part I don't put on Facebook where people who actually know me go. I like the anonymity of my blog sometimes. I think only two or three people in my real life actually come here, and I'm not even sure about that anymore.

I came close to rescuing a really cute puppy, but my mom made the point I'm not home enough. (Although I have been lately). It's true, I like dogs better than people, I'm going to end up the old dog lady, I'm telling you. I can't believe how much I still miss Lou. You don't get over it. People are generally mean, disrespectful and untrustworthy. Dogs, well, aren't. They actually seem to give a shit. Yeah, they pee on the floor and bark at paper, but they don't mess with you. Maggie didn't leave my side this week while I laid in bed dying and crying. She is laying at my feet right now.

I have that confused, dazed thing going on again. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. It's kind of chronic. Oh, and it sucks too. I'm hopeless. Utterly fucking hopeless. I'm sick of the positive shit right now so you're going to have to deal with that.

A New Era?

I know I haven't been blogging daily like you are all used to, so I'm sorry for that. I'm working things out in my head right now and changing some things in my life. Again. I'm shifting my priorities. It has become apparent to me that I walk my own road. I'm not sure of the reasons why, but that is how it is.

I am still involved with John to a point, but our time together is sparse, and I don't know what the future holds for us, if there is a future. I care for him very much, but like I said, I'm walking a strangely narrow road right now. I have been asked out by some other men recently, but I have turned them all down.

I go in for an upper GI endoscopy on Monday. It turns out I do not have Gastroparesis, but something is wrong, so they need to do some searching. Not fun. I'm not supposed to take any ibuprofen or aspirin for 4 days before the procedure, and of course I have a pounding headache today. Joy.

I'm hoping for a quiet weekend.

Cairn Terrors

I finally, at last, found someone who totally understands what it is like to own a Cairn Terrier.

Cairn Terrier Index Page (ddgnevada.com)

If after perusing all these Cairn Terrier related issues and you still think you might be right for a Cairn, I would obtain one final opinion from a disinterested third party, otherwise known as a 'Sanity Check'.

Even if you do not own a Cairn, you will enjoy Dan's stories. They are really, REALLY funny, and SO true. One minute you can't imagine loving a dog more, and the next minute you want to kill them. Total obnoxious brats. Anyway, trust me on this one and read if you are any kind of a dog lover at all.

Stuff and Things

1.  I did not get laid off, but many did and the workload is going to be INSANE.

2.  The doctor thinks I may have "Gastroparesis" which is why I get "sick" so often. Neat. I see a specialist next week.

3.  I was recommended to do a 3-day juice cleanse to detox my system.

4.  I am very frustrated with John, and I don't know what to do. Don't have time to worry about it.

5.  I kept seeing a white line appear and disappear on my ceiling that drove me nuts. Couldn't figure out where it was coming from or what it was, and one night stood on top of my bed and yelled at it. Don't tell anyone, they will lock me up and throw away the key.

That is all for now.

Great Quotes

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.”

-Norman Vincent Peale

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”

-Muhammad Ali

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

-Abraham Lincoln

If you’re going through Hell, keep going.

-Winston Churchill

“Any guy can love a thousand girls, but only a rare guy can love one girl in a thousand ways.”

-Anonymous

Kids, Disneyland Meetups and My Exhausted Ass

VERY busy weekend, OMG. The kids (I have 3 now you know, Bill, Erica and Robby, who call me "Mama Cheryl".) came over Friday night, Sat, and Sun. I took them to see Apollo 18, they ate me out of house and home (bottomless pits!) and we swam and watched horror movies. Really good to see them, but poor grandma followed after us cleaning most of the time. LOL. She says they like coming to see me because I am "one of them".

Today I had my second "meetup" at Disneyland. The people are great. This meetup thing was at the advice of my new therapist, she wants me getting out and making friends instead of stressing and hanging out in my own head. We met for lunch at the Blue Bayou, then did all our favorite rides. I am getting *really* spoiled with my new friends, I don't have to wait in ANY lines! Someone always has either a VIP Card or a Guest Assistance Pass (for handicaps/illnesses) which gets us right to the front of the line every time. I don't think I can go back to being a normal visitor!!

I am beat.  I have to go back to work to relax!

Me and John

OK so its hard to take cell phone pics when you're drinking. Sue me.

DMV Hell

Did I tell you about the whole mess I had with the California DMV? Where I had to go back, like, 8 times and wait 3 hours because each time some stupid little thing was wrong. Like, for instance my birth certificate says one thing and my old driver's license said another thing and I may have burned my marriage license and my divorce paperwork said I was going back to my maiden name, and so on and so forth. So, then once they MADE me change back to my maiden name and gave me my license, they spelled my name wrong, and I had to go through the WHOLE FUCKING PROCESS AGAIN. It took me 20 minutes to explain to the English-is-my-second-fucking-language government worker that they spelled it CHERLY instead of CHERYL. He did not see the problem. It was like talking to someone who had just smoked an entire joint. THEN, I had to go and RE-DO and re-pay-for my registration to be done in my maiden name because dumb me got that done first before they had a cow that I couldn't prove I had been married.

So, now that I have to change 60 million things into my new name with less than zero time to do it, I figured I would go next to the Social Security office. Fuckers. I had a 5-minute wait, ALL my paperwork, and GUESS WHAT? "I'm sorry, but you need either the original or a certified copy of your divorce paperwork." FUUUUUUCK! The original got lost somehow in the move to California that I had a whole 3 weeks to do, and everything was chaos. So, I had to call my lawyer who has to call the court and now I will have to wait another 3 weeks. And then I will owe my lawyer more money, and they charge like, 50 dollars a minute.

Everything in my life is this way. I will tell you what. I'm keeping this name. If I ever get remarried, (stop laughing), I hope he is an understanding guy because I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!