A Repeat of Monday's Mood

I'm feeling like I might be done. I don't know. Here's to you, LIFE, double!

Sick & Tired

I'm sick of being awake all night. I'm also sick of being sad all the time. No amount of therapy helps, sorry. I can talk about things until I'm blue in the face, and it doesn't make any difference. My plan is good, and I'm going to do it, but it seems so far away. Will it work? Will it make me happy? What do I do in the meantime? How do I make it through each day?

It isn't chocolate cake, but it works.

Just because I'm pissy and want chocolate does NOT mean it is that time of the month, so STOP asking. I'm pissy and wanting chocolate for entirely different reasons.

I'm bored and full now and screwed myself for getting any kind of good night's sleep with my all-day nap. Crap.

My Current Mission

It's raining and humid and dark. I've been sleeping ALL day. Literally. I woke up in a tizzy wanting chocolate cake RIGHT now. I don't know why. I don't just want it; I somehow NEED it. It is some sort of a massive craving that won't go away. It has to be chocolate, not some other lame flavor. I'm a raving lunatic right now scouring the house for anything resembling chocolate cake, and I'm not finding anything. NOTHING. I don't think that I have the patience to make a cake from scratch, and it would take too long to drive to the store and back, and then make the damn cake, so forget that. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Are my hormones out of whack? The struggle is real. Is there a cake store around here? I wonder if the neighbor has cake mix that I could buy from him. Probably not, he's skinny and male.

That is my current mission, and I don't think I can talk anymore until I get it.

Tanning & Coffee

OK, now that I'm done flipping everyone off, I'll tell you about my dumb day. Obviously, I'm not in a good way right now. When I woke up this morning, I was insanely grumpy. That is actually a little bit of an understatement, but whatever.

I noticed my tan was fading and I CAN'T HAVE THAT, so I surrendered to "Sultan Glo Tan". I know. It will have to do. How bad could it be? I also made an impulse buy (sunglasses) because on the way I realized I was braless and had no makeup on. It's OK to show the internet, though, which makes no sense. I've never claimed to make sense, though, so there is that.

After tanning, I went to "Vinaccio's", my local coffee joint and got the biggest iced mocha they were prepared to make. I've been surviving on coffee. Also, here is the new blue top I bought before my California trip that I basically live in. That is all.

Today's Mood

My Monday mood. Just so you know.

My Grandpa

I just got word that my grandpa is going to die. I am devastated. I love him so much; he is such a great grandpa. He taught me how to play chess, he told me the BEST pirate stories and let me play (carefully) with his authentic pirate sword from the Carribean. He taught me how to dive and hold my breath under water, and about all the constellations in the sky. He helped me with my math. This will be my fourth family member loss in less than a year. I don't think I can take much more.

I am also very, very worried about my mom. She is just too overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much right now, for so many reasons. It literally aches. I need my "Plan A" to expedite ASAP so I can try to be happy in this life, it won't last forever. I think I'm going to guzzle the rest of my codeine cough syrup and just pass out for the evening.

Please pray for my mom and I. God help us.

CrazyDogMama in OC?

I know, I don't exactly fit the profile there, but I could really shake things up, don't you think? I could get Juice's T-shirt and wear it out on the town. It says, "OMG STFU." LOL!

Seriously though, I think reinventing my life is going to be the best thing EVER! I'm nervous and psyched all at the same time. Hole said she wants to come and live with me and rent a room. How fun would that be? Come on down, girlie! I'm not going to skinny dip with you, though. Unless I have too much Tequila.

It seems so simple, yet it is not. There are many things (and people) to consider, and I don't want to make any (more) wrong steps. I've done my share of that. I need the planets and the stars to align, and a sign from God that this is the right move, and if it isn't, what is? Something to focus on, to look forward to, to dream about and put the details to, is helping to pull me back up. I need this. I really, really need this right now.

Crazy Enchilada Night

Preview from crazy enchilada night last night. Let's just say it was hard to get up this morning.

Death Warmed Over

Believe it or not, I am actually feeling better today. I may be over my bronchitis (for the most part), but my soul is still sicker than ever. This must be dealt with. It's important that I don't resemble death incarnate. Which is exactly what I look like in this picture. Just give me a black hooded robe and a scythe, and I'm good to go. Bah. The plan, the plan, work on the plan! That reminds me of "Fantasy Island", haha! "Da plane, da plane!" I crack myself up.

Enchilada night is coming up with the girls tomorrow (woohoo!), so I'm hoping they can pull some sunshine out of my butt. If they can't NO ONE can! LOL.

The Plan

I don't have all the details yet, of course, because it is a new plan. Duh. But I need to get out of here. Out of state. The fact that I came home from vacation and felt the black cloud envelop me almost immediately is a sign that something is very, very wrong. Another duh. Nichole was right, I've been in some sort of a black vortex, and therapy alone isn't working.

I used to think that I loved the rain and the dark and all, but the truth is, it just makes me isolate and hide and sleep all day. There are reasons beyond reasons why I need a big change like this, but I need to shake my world up and get a fresh start. Or I'm going to die. It's as simple as that. Stress, depression, anxiety, they are killers. I'm not "running from my problems", I'm just realizing a need for a big change, something I've always been so afraid of doing. (Moving out of state away from everything I know.) I don't know where this will leave my marriage. I just don't know, and I don't want to speculate right now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well, I'm tired of that. And really? What's the big deal? I'm not a pussy, so I need to get up off my damn ass. All I need to do is finish up my job. I'm going to be talking to mom about the house in California. I don't know how far I'll get with that, but that is where I'm going to start since I love it there. If that doesn't work out, well, I guess I come up with a plan B. I know this is what I'm supposed to do, because it broke my funk, and I'm feeling so much better, even physically! The coughing has slowed down today and I'm eating.

Never really thought I'd EVER be thinking this way, I thought I would live here forever. It is kind of weird but feels really good. Something to look forward to, something to get my adrenaline pumping, which I love. Why would I have adrenaline? Because it's the unknown. Flying by the seat of my pants. Don't know what to expect. My therapist likes the idea, I went to see her today. I'll keep you posted on how things develop. Lots of planning to do. Even the planning is getting me excited and putting color back into my face. Who knew?

Catch you later, I've got enchiladas and cosmos to devour at Juice's house.

I am going to apologize now for this post.

I have been fairly upbeat for the last few weeks, and it was due time for a meltdown. Now remember, I have issues and I don't choose meltdowns, they choose me. I have also been out of therapy for 3 weeks, I just got back from vacation, I'm sick and pretty much everything is one big crapcake.

Right now, I am sitting in a McDonald's parking lot by myself wondering if ordering food will just be a waste of time and money. It was about an hour drive here from where I was, and I spent a large portion of that bawling my freaking eyes out. You know, the kind of crying where you are wailing incomprehensible words to no one while snot bubbles are rolling down your face and you know you will have a headache when you are done? Yeah. Scary. I wore myself out and made myself cough more. Smart I am. Sometimes I lose all hope and faith in everything, like what the fuck is the point in ANYTHING. I like NOTHING, I have NOTHING to look forward to, everyone go to hell and leave me alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to play, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Yeah, I'm healthy.

At least I'm not like this EVERY day, right? Juice and Hole, I promise to be better for enchiladas tomorrow, OK? Don't worry, I'm WAY past the contagious part of my dying.

Dude, I am so sick.

I haven't eaten for two days, and when I tried to eat, it came back up, I'm hacking up weird shit LOUDLY and I can't sleep because when I lay down it sends me into coughing fits. The codeine cough syrup is great, but I can't take it when driving or working. I have no days off I can take because I used them all. I can't go home and sleep because I have a commitment to one of those market research thingies tonight that pays you cash. Need to go to that, but it is 3 FUCKING hours long. That means I won't be getting home until after 10pm. Awesome.

Yogagirl says Whooping Cough is going around. Great. That's just great. I should probably go to the doctor, huh? I'm a little stubborn with that. They won't do anything and charge me up the Ying Yang.

My computer screen is kind of blurry, so if I type something weird, you'll know I'm falling over. Oh, and did I mention the dizziness? Yeah. Also, it is DOWNPOURING right now and I have no coat and I'm wearing flip flops.

If you don't unpack, you are still on vacation.

I haven't even fully unpacked yet because that would finalize my vacation. I know that's weird. I don't want to fall back into the depression pit, I'm fighting it. Sometimes I wish one of my grandmas were alive, or that I had an old wise mentor to go have coffee with who could help me figure things out. My therapist is great, but you know what I mean, someone who has all that life experience who could point me in the right direction and tell me everything will be OK.

I need cough syrup and food.

I made it through the workday, barely. I need some cough syrup BAD. Everyone wants my tan, but not my job. LOL.

I haven't eaten all day and I'm STARVING, and my friends have informed me I'm going back to the gym Wednesday, sick or not. I actually lost 2 lbs. on vacation if you can believe that!

It was 100 degrees Saturday and raining, and 60 degrees today. Neat.

Polka Dot Blouse

I almost forgot to show you my new polka dot blouse. It's pretty.

Is it too much to ask?

Back to work. Hip, hip, hooray. Can you hear the enthusiasm? Here is me commuting. I have lost the sparkle in my eyes, I forgot how hard it is to come back from vacation. Is it too much to ask to be on permanent vacation? Geez.

I did not TRY to look so pitiful; I swear. My face just reflects my mood naturally apparently, and I look like a lost little puppy who needs a forever home. LOL. At least my hair looks decent today, and not all over the damn place like an out-of-control mop. The sun lightened it up quite a bit, too.

Lightning Storm!

I ACTUALLY caught some lightning strikes with my crappy Crackberry camera! I am very excited about it, although now that I think about it, holding a metal device up in the air during an electrical storm is probably not the best idea. Oh well, I don't care. Look how cool!

It was quite a show, I can't even remember the last time we had this kind of lightning, where you can see the strikes from the ground up. I know I've beat this horse into the ground, but the weather just keeps getting more and more extreme. We rarely have these kinds of storms, plus we had snow in April this year, and flip-flopping temperatures, sometimes going from 30 to 80 in a couple of days. Pretty bizarre if you ask me. Just sayin'.

If you're in the area, I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am!

Want to hear my cough?

I knew you did. I recorded it so you would believe me on how insane it is. You can hear me eight miles away. Sorry, there is no picture, but believe me, it's gross anyway, you don't want to watch me cough up a loogie. Guys, try to control yourselves, this is SUPER sexy. You will want me immediately. I wonder if anyone else in the entire world blogs a video of their cough. I seriously may be the only one. It's probably a good thing. I've lost my mind. Completely. Enjoy!

No excitement.

Well, I was hoping for excitement, but nope. There will be none of that here. The codeine cough syrup knocks me for a loop, so I've been in and out of it. Currently I'm sitting out in the pseudo-sun getting in lots of liquids (water not booze) so that I will be alive for work tomorrow. I have cleaning and laundry and dishes and unpacking to do, but I'm just not up to it at the moment being all pie-eyed. The best I can muster up is looking through clothes catalogs wanting everything. I know I just bought a bunch of stuff before my trip, but I have a void to fill now, don't you understand? LOL!

Watching the Sky

We are currently having a fantastic lightning and thunderstorm! It woke me up at 4 am, but I'm still laying here in bed at 6:45 am, but I can still hear and see out my bedroom window. I Just don't want to get up. The dogs are sacked out, and I'm just watching the sky and daydreaming. Storms put me in a certain state of mind, and mood. Thunder to me is like the voice of God. I'm not kidding, you can find that in the Bible!

Full Moon

Full moon tonight, did I shave my legs? AAAHHOOOOO! I've officially lost it.

Washington Sunsets

Washington sunsets aren't too shabby either. A beautiful night. I have to say, though, as much fun as Cali is, the air quality sucks. I LOVE the fresh air here.

Codeine Cough Syrup

Finally feeling a little better, I found some codeine cough syrup in my medicine cabinet. Expired exschmired, I'm chuggin' it!

I took an ice-cold shower, slathered myself in my new jasmine body lotion and then sat in the sun for a little while trying to enjoy the last of my days off. I've been listening to Glenn Miller (swing music) and Louie Armstrong for a nice mellow, calming atmosphere. (If I'm not acting 12, I'm acting 80.) Now I just need a dance partner! I'm going to light my candles when it gets dark and just chill out. I need to order those chili pepper lights and tiki torches!

My tan is looking awesome! I'm so thrilled! I will make everyone jealous at work. I also have some Aveda "points" to cash in so I can get my hair foiled with a gift certificate. Nothing like being super blonde and tan! Ha.

Gurgle-Breathing and Crying

OMG, I think I'm dying. It is over 100 degrees here, and have I mentioned I have no air-conditioning and no pool? I also cannot lay down because it makes me go into coughing fits. I'm sitting here sweating and gurgle-breathing and crying.

Home Again

We hauled some serious ass and did this trip in 20 hours! I want to die and barf up a lung, but still. We just picked up my sweet Magadog who probably thought I abandoned her forever. I'm getting lots of kisses, but she seems confused. It is strange being home. I want to go back. Maybe I'll move there. Now what am I going to blog about? I'm back to my boring life.

Driving through Oregon.

Hi Yogagirl! (Waving vigorously.)

There is something I need to understand about Oregon. Why are you forbidden to pump your own gas?

There are also hardly any gas stations open at 1 am which started to stress us out. THEN, I needed to go to the restroom and the person WOULD NOT COME OUT. I am not kidding about this. I stood there for 15 minutes while watching a small Asian boy run around in circles holding his crotch. I heard someone cough in there, so I know it wasn't empty. I left. Hope to God there is a rest stop close by.

I am coughing my fool head off. It sounds really healthy, too, like a dying chainsaw. I think I am annoying the occupants of the car. It does keep me awake, though.

WTF is a Chowchilla?

The Lost Highway. I'm getting punchy. These are my favorite names of towns, roads, etc. so far:

Weed (of course.)
Chowchilla (WTF is a Chowchilla?)
Hilt (Say "HILT!" like you are dry-heaving and it's funny. Maybe it is just me.)
Louie Road (Lou-dog!)

I also took a picture of my tongue so that I could say I was licking you, but it was too blurry. Sorry to disappoint, but just know that I am licking you in spirit. This is what straight-through driving road trips do to me. It is similar to tequila. BIG LICK!

Driving through the Grapevine.

Have I mentioned how much fun driving through the Grapevine is? So much fun that I want to jam a fork into my eye. Miles and miles of nothing.

Somebody please talk to me, for the LOVE OF GOD.

What trip would be complete without a foot pic?

Being sick on a road trip takes all the fun out of it.

Well color me surprised! It's supposed to be 97 degrees at my house tomorrow. I'll have no pool, though, so I'll have to skinny dip under the hose.

Bakersfield

The beautiful burnt Bakersfield hills. HA. Just pigged out on Carl's (I would weigh 400 lbs. if I lived here), but I must say that their prime rib burger ROCKS.

 This is the long part of the trip that isn't that exciting, although because it is so very different from what I see in Washington, it is interesting to me to see different terrain. It seems so desolate and lonely. The desert has its own beauty I suppose, even Bakersfield.

I just took NyQuil, and NOT the non-drowsy kind, so I will be in a coma for a few hours. Nighty-night.

Surf Shop

Stopped at a surf shop on the way back, because that's what you do in Cali! I got some awesome smelling Hawaiian Pikake Jasmine hand/body lotion. I put some on and I keep smelling my hands. Caught a shot of an old Woody on the freeway too.

I'm feeling OK, hopped up on coffee and cold meds.

I have to go home.

Almost ready to go. I really don't want to go home. I like it here. Why can't I stay here? WHY? A hot shower made me feel a little better, and blogging keeps me sane, I don't know why. Keep me in your good thoughts today because it is a long trip back to prison. Ha. Oh, and I broke a nail shoving crap in my suitcase. It's a sign! I'm not supposed to leave! LOL!

You know me, I'll be blogging all day long to keep busy, so hopefully it will entertain you. I am going back 12 posts or so to try and answer all your comments, I'm a big slacker. Love to you all for putting up with me.

You are not going to believe this.

I'm sick. Not in the head smartasses, I have the flu or something. I woke up with a burning chest, a gurgling cough and a headache from hell. I also feel dizzy. I think its bronchitis. Terrific. I have a grueling 23-hour drive ahead of me, I won't be able to get to a doctor until Monday and I HAVE to go back to work. If I'm lucky, it will be a pneumonia by then. Who gets bronchitis in the middle of summer on vacation? ME. Fuck.

Vacation is over.

Damnit, I'm all teary-eyed, and have been all day. It's not just because my vacation is ending, but many things. I feel like so many chapters of my life are ending and/or changing. The house I am staying at is going to be sold and I grew up here. My grandpa isn't doing well, and I've already lost 3 family members recently. I don't want to go back home and continue to feel like I don't care whether I live or die. There are other things that have me down too, but I can't talk about that.

My job will end eventually, probably soon (it's a start-up company with the goal to be sold), and then what? A whole new life? I don't know. I don't know anything, do I? I have these wishes and dreams that don't seem possible. But you never know, I didn't think a 2-week vacation was possible either, then I had all these people help me. I just don't know which direction to go sometimes. Some things I just CAN'T stop thinking about, no matter how hard I try. When you lie in bed at night, what do you think about? I think about the same thing(s) every night.

A Cheerier Post

I'm just baking in the sun and swimming today, trying not to think of packing. Right now, I'm lying on my stomach on the lounge chair in the perfect position to blog! Hehe. The pics include the view I have right now of a cactus and my banana boat dark tanning oil, my dog coming up to my face wanting to know what I'm doing, my mom's friend's ADORABLE pooch Saydee May, and Belmont Shores in Long Beach where we were yesterday.

I'm hot, time to take a dip.

Last Day

Poo. Last day of vacation for me for probably a millennium. I don't want to go back to reality. It bites. I'm trying not to be depressed on my last day, but I have a lot running through my brain and it isn't all good. I'm glad I got to do this since I have been confined to my little house and little cubical for many years. I had not left WA state for 7 years. OK, I'm about to cry so I'm going to go for now.

Screamin'

OK I finally figured this video thing out. WARNING: This is frightening. Remember, I DON'T usually scream on rollercoasters, but because I was videotaping with the Crackberry, I had to have a death grip on it with both hands (I know, I'm a risk-taker) so I could not hold on to ANYTHING ELSE. I got tossed all over the place and it is just funny. I am a GIGANTIC freak. Have fun, I am bracing for the comments, and I know I bring this on myself.  I sound like a cow being mutilated. LOL!

Thankful for the Vacation

I am waiting in the car entertaining myself. Hehe. I straightened my hair again, so I am posting, like it or not. It is amazing how much more time you have to spend on your hair, etc. when you aren't having to race off to work. I could get used to this! I also took some sunset pics last night while I was kicking back on the patio. I should have used the good camera because it was so pretty.

Besides today, I only have one more day of vacation before we have to start driving back. I wanted to thank mom #1 and mom #2 for making this vacation possible for us! I have no good words to describe the appreciation. I just hope I can make it up to you some day. Big hugs and kisses!

We are on our way to my mom's friend Cathy's house for dinner and hilarious conversation. Cathy is a way cool lady who just cracks me UP. She works at Disneyland and got us some AWESOME perks. I owe you big too, Cathy! XOXO

I am going to the "Coffee Bean" either tonight or tomorrow because they have free Wi-Fi and I can't upload that video I promised on the Crackberry for some reason. So, stay tuned.

Knee Carnage

Here is my very swollen and bruised knee. Don't you feel sorry for me? Probably not, since I got it at Disneyland. I am also not the first blogger to post a bruise, Skwigg does it all the time, so NYAH.

It looks like it is now time for the relaxation part of the vacation, no? A little sunning, a little swimming, a little partaking of libations. No walkie walkie for me for a bit.

Done for a while.

I think I may have gotten amusement parks out of my system, at least for a while. I have a gigantic goose-egg bruise on my knee from slamming into the iron seat railing on Tower of Terror, my shoe popped off getting onto Thunder Mountain allowing me to slam my toes and fly forward. IT HURT REALLY BAD. I have new blisters and I hobble now at best. Yes, I had fun, but I'm thinking my next trip will be spa week with the girls because I'm old and broken.

I may lock myself in my bedroom away from everyone for the next two days. CrazyDogMama needs to regroup. I'm playing hell getting that Screamin' rollercoaster video to post, but you have to see it because you will either die laughing or deem me the dorkiest person on the planet. Which makes you wonder why exactly I want you to see it so bad? LOL. Just give me some time, I need collapse into a heap and sleep now.

Tower of Terror & Aladdin Actors

Tower of Terror is THE BEST. Who doesn't like falling down an elevator? LOL! It never gets boring because no matter how many times you ride, the drop will surprise you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. and your stomach will go up into your throat. Good times. My purse went flying up in the air as well, even though the strap was around my arm. It is even fun to go through the line/queue because the theming and decorations are so damn cool. It's kind of like the haunted mansion, but with a "Twilight Zone" twist. It's a must-ride.

As we were walking around, all of a sudden "Aladdin" and "Jasmine" appeared, so we had to stop and get a pic. Here is Jim with the pretty lady and the pretty man. Jim looks frightened, doesn't he? LOL.

Splash Mountain

OMG I'm laughing so hard right now! Look at how WET my hair is!

This ride is such a HOOT! It's a good thing it is hot out today, because I am completely SOAKED from head to toe! I couldn't stop laughing when the tidal wave of water came over our log. I mean, it was insane. The heavier the log, the more likely to get soaked, so that doesn't go well for me, LOL.

I feel like a kid today, and it's a good feeling. I wish I could feel this way every day. I now have the theme song to this ride in my head and can't get it out. It's pretty silly. I'm silly.

Disneyland Again!

At Disneyland again, it is much cooler today. Thank God! I thought I was going to die last time. More pics to come!

The sign lies, they kick you out at midnight. :)

Mocha Frappuccino at the Coffee Bean!

I can tell by all the enthusiastic comments that my posts are thrilling you beyond belief. What can I say? I am a super exciting girl. To excite you further, I have captured the beauty of my new favorite coffee shop here in California, "The Coffee Bean", or as my mother calls it "The Green Bean" (She always gets words mixed up), which makes me laugh of course and make fun of her, which she loves. Haha.

Mocha Frappuccino, NUMMERS!