Sleeping on the job.

I'm really sleepy today. I almost fell asleep driving to work. NOT GOOD. I kept waking up last night because I thought I heard someone calling my name. Weird. At one point I just said "WHAT? Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!" into thin air, to no one. If that doesn't prove I'm crazy, nothing will. I hope it wasn't God trying to get my attention. *Shutter*

I am also starving. I could eat an entire cow right now. My tummy is making really loud grumbly noises and I'm starting to get cranky. I do not like being hungry.

There are so many things I'm anxious to talk about, but I have to wait, and you know how I am with patience. Soon, though.

One more random thing for this disorganized post; I almost went catatonic yesterday. I was going to the ladies' room, and upon opening the door, my Crackberry went flying! (Yes, I take it to the restroom with me. Shut up.) I froze with fear as I watched it break into three pieces. I pounced on it and THANK THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY (I'm serious), I was able to put it back together. There are few things that give me joy right now and losing "The Precious" would tip me right over the edge.

No kittens were harmed.

Now that I'm somewhat sane again and not wanting to rip the heads off kittens, I thought I would post. I actually found it amusing that almost no one said anything, it was like you were all whispering, "Shh, her vision is based on movement.". OK, you know what? You'd lose it too if you were me! So there! I did get a really sweet comment about my smile on an earlier post that put me in a better mood. It's amazing what a little kindness can do for your spirits. :-)

Confessions

Um, YES, I need to get laid, and YES, I am going to. Eventually. Soon. NOW if I could. So shutty. ;-)

Yes, I just said that on the internet. What haven't I said on the internet?

Super, now I can't concentrate. LOL.

Pressure

OK, I lost it. It happens. I have a tremendous amount of pressure on me right now and I'd rather lose it in writing than on somebody.

Something I found intriguing.

No one seems to understand what is about to befall this country. So be it. How is that for saying what I want to say? No one listens anyway, so whatever. People see what they want to see.

SOMETHING OF HISTORIC PROPORTIONS IS HAPPENING
By Tim Wood 2008 December 1

I am a student of history. Professionally. I have written 15 books in six languages and have studied history all my life. I think there is something monumentally large afoot and I do not believe it is just a banking crisis, a mortgage crisis or a credit crisis.

Yes, these exist, but they are merely single facets on a very large gemstone that is only now coming into a sharper focus. Something of historic proportions is happening. I can sense it because I know how it feels, smells, what it looks like, and how people react to it. Yes, a perfect storm may be brewing, but there is something happening within our country that has been evolving for about ten - fifteen years. The pace has dramatically quickened in the past two years.

We demand and then codify into law the requirement that our banks make massive loans to people we know they can never pay back. Why?

We learned just days ago that the Federal Reserve, which has little or no real oversight by anyone, has "loaned" two trillion dollars (that is $2,000,000,000, 000) over the past few months, but will not tell us to whom or why or disclose the terms. That is our money, yours and mine.

And that is three times the 700 billion we all argued about so strenuously just this past September. Who has this money? Why do they have it? Why are the terms unavailable to us? Who asked for it? Who authorized it?

I thought this was a government of "we the people," who loaned our powers to our elected leaders. Apparently not, they now control us. We have spent two or more decades intentionally de-industrializing our economy. Why?

We have intentionally dumbed down our schools, ignored our history, and no longer teach our founding documents of why we are exceptional, and why we are worth preserving.
Students by and large cannot write, think critically, read, or articulate. Parents are not revolting, teachers are not picketing, and school boards continue to back mediocrity. Why?

We have now established the precedent of protesting every close election (now violently in California over proposition 8 that is so controversial that it wants marriage to remain between one man and one woman. Did you ever think such a thing possible just a decade ago?).

We have corrupted our sacred political process by allowing un-elected judges to write laws that radically change our way of life, and then mainstream Marxist groups like ACORN and others to turn our voting system into a banana republic. To what purpose?

Now our mortgage industry is collapsing, housing prices are in free fall, major industries are failing, our banking system is on the verge of collapse, social security is nearly bankrupt, as is Medicare and our entire government, our education system is worse than a joke (I teach college and know precisely what I am talking about) the list is staggering in its length, breadth, and depth. It is potentially 1929 x ten.

And we are at war with an enemy we cannot name for fear of offending people of the same religion, who cannot wait to slit the throats of your children if they have the opportunity to do so.
And now we have elected a man no one knows anything about, who has never run so much as a Dairy Queen, let alone a town as big as Wasilla, Alaska. All of his associations and alliances are with real radicals in their chosen fields of employment, religion and everything we learn about him, drip by drip, is unsettling if not downright scary (Surely you have heard him speak about his idea to create and fund a mandatory civilian defense force stronger than our military for use inside our borders? No? Oh, of course the media would never play that for you over and over and then demand he answer it. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter and $150,000 wardrobe is more important.)

Mr. Obama's winning platform can be boiled down to one word: change. Why?
I have never been so afraid for my country and for my children as I am now. This man campaigned on bringing people together, something he has never, ever done in his professional life.

In my assessment, Obama will divide us along philosophical lines, push us apart, and then try to realign the pieces into a new and different power structure.

Change is indeed coming. And when it comes, you will never see the same nation again. And that is only the beginning to a world social government. I thought I would never be able to experience what the ordinary, moral German felt in the mid-1930's. In those times, the messiah was a former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the average German knew next to nothing. What they did know was that he was associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage through great oratory and promises.

Economic times were tough, people were losing jobs, and he was a great speaker. And he smiled and waved a lot. And people, even newspapers, were afraid to speak out for fear that his "brown shirts" would bully them into submission.

And then, he was duly elected to office, a full-throttled economic crisis at hand [the Great Depression]. Slowly but surely he seized the controls of government power, department-by- department, person-by-person, bureaucracy- by-bureaucracy.

The kids joined a Youth Movement in his name, where they were taught what to think. How did he get the people on his side? He did it promising jobs to the jobless, money to the indigent, and goodies for the military-industrial complex.

He did it by indoctrinating the children, advocating gun control, health care for all, better wages, better jobs, and promising to re-instill pride once again in the country, across Europe, and across the world.

He did it with a compliant media; did you know that?

And he did this all in the name of justice and 'CHANGE'.

And the people surely got what they voted for. (Look it up if you think that I am exaggerating. )
Read your history books.

Many people objected in 1933 and were shouted down, called names, laughed at, and made fun of. When Winston Churchill pointed out the obvious in the late 1930's while seated in the House of Lords in England (he was not yet Prime Minister), he was booed into his seat and called a crazy troublemaker. He was right, though.

Don't forget that Germany was the most educated, cultured country in Europe. It was full of music, art, museums, hospitals, laboratories, and universities.

And in less than six years, a shorter time span than just two terms of a U.S. presidency, it was rounding up its own citizens, killing others, abrogating its laws, turning children against parents, and neighbors against neighbors, all with the best of intentions of course. The road to Hell is always paved with them.

As a practical thinker, one not overly prone to emotional decisions, I have a choice: I can either believe what the objective pieces of evidence tell me (even if they make me cringe with disgust); I can believe what history is shouting to me from across the chasm of seven decades; or I can hope I am wrong by closing my eyes, having another drink, and ignoring what is transpiring around me.

Some people scoff at me, others laugh, or think I am foolish, naive, or both. Perhaps I am. But I have never been afraid to look people in the eye and tell them exactly what I believe and why I believe it.

I pray I am wrong. Pray with me for the truth, because the truth will set us free.

Screw today.

I did not get a damn thing accomplished this weekend. I have so many projects I need to work on; back up my hard drive, organize my digital pictures, clean out my closet and get rid of clothes, finish painting, clean out the refrigerator and pantry, groom the dogs, the list goes on and on and on. I'm feeling unmotivated. I feel as though the life energy has been sucked out of my soul. How do you get that back? How do you crawl out of Satan's colon? I want to beat my own head against a wall, then shake the shit out of other people who are not cooperating with me. There are things that are REALLY BUGGING me. Things that do NOT add up or make sense. I used to think the world was black and white, it either IS or it ISN'T. But you know? Not that simple. You can assume things are that way, but there always seems to be some unexplained elements. Some things that throw a monkey wrench in the whole theory.

Life does NOT obey our expectations and it does not care about our agenda. Life has an agenda of its own and good luck going up against it.

How would we handle things if we could put fear aside? If you could do or say what you REALLY wanted to? How would that change your world?

Greetings fellow insomniacs!

Sometimes I really hate being alone with my thoughts. Don't you? Do you have things that dominate your thoughts like I do? Questions without answers, feelings that make no sense? Wanting to get up up out of bed, but feeling paralyzed in a way?

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, and the best commercials?

Definitely the Doritos/crystal ball one and the Bud Light one where the office guy gets hucked out the window. LOL! OK, and I did laugh at the "Hate your job?" one. "Hi Dummy!". Hehe.

The Game

You know what is funny today? My friend Jenny and I have been texting each other throughout the game, "Did you see that?", "Oh no!", "Go Arizona!", "Stupid Steelers!" We are both rather amped up and ticked off at the moment. We're like a couple of guys, you'd think we had bet money on the game or something. I don't even really like football. Go figure.

I'm not a big sports fan, but...

I really need to watch the Steelers lose today.

A very nice day.

My friend Jenny is the best. We click really well and we can both totally let our guard down and be ourselves around each other without worrying. It is so nice. We didn't do anything super exciting, just spent time together. Her cinnamon rolls turned out AWESOME, and her really great kids were my buddies for the day. She has 3 boys aged 8, 10 and 15, and they are the most well-behaved little gentlemen I've ever met. Now, you know how I feel about kids most of the time, right? I don't hate kids or anything, I just want to run when they are obnoxious and not well parented. For some reason, though, kids dig me. I think I've said something about this before, but to remind you, it is probably because I am the biggest sucker in the world, and I also talk to them like they are adults. Jenny knows all of this about me, so when her two youngest were hugging on me and asking me questions, then begged me to play cards with them, Jenny was watching with a big smile on her face. I taught them a new card game (2-card Gin Rummy) and they were all jazzed. Jenny just sat back and watched all of us and at the end of the night she told me how great I was with her boys and that it was so neat for her to watch. (That almost made me cry.) As weird as this is to admit, I enjoyed it. Her kids, I mean. They made me laugh and I haven't felt that way for a long time. Plus, I didn't swear at all! (Just so you know.) LOL. Maybe I should have had kids. Oh well. I'll just hang out with everyone else's. My stepson is all grown up now and I don't see him much, but we still have a great relationship. He calls me every once in a while, to see how I'm doing. He is a sweetheart, too. He has always called me "His Crazydogmama".

Ridiculous Selfies, and Gigantic Cinnamon Rolls

An actual picture of me smiling with teeth, something rare to see.

The cinnamon roll baking adventure was fun, we got very sticky. OMG, they were warm and ooey and gooey goodness. Swoon.

Getting Up

Even though I don't sleep well, getting up is harder than hell. I like being warm and cozy and away from the pressures and torments of life. Instead, I can just lay here and put together life in my head the way I really want it. This past week took a big toll on me, and my body. I think I aged a few years. I woke up just a few minutes ago still in my clothes and makeup from yesterday.

I'm going to spend the day with a girly friend of mine making homemade cinnamon rolls from scratch. (she used to work in a bakery.)

LOL

Paid to blog!

It's official, I'm getting paid to blog! Yes! I can't quite quit my day job yet, but it's a start. Now I can justify my posting of stupid crap a gazillion times a day. I need some more traffic now.

Spread the word, tell your friends! Help me to write for a living about stupid stuff! :-)

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

"Live by the sword, die by the sword" is a metaphorical expression meaning that living one's life in a certain way will, in the end, affect one's destiny. The proverb comes from the Book of Matthew, verse 26:52, which describes the apostle Peter drawing a sword to defend Jesus against Roman soldiers, but is told to sheath the weapon:

"Then said Jesus unto him, put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."
-Matthew 26:52, King James Version

While the expression strictly interpreted means “those who live by violence will die by violence”, it is also used for a variety of situations which contain an element of poetic justice. For instance, the proverb could be used to describe a person who regularly drives under the influence and is ultimately killed in a vehicle accident caused by their intoxication. A deeper meaning alludes to "those who judge will be judged" in reference to Mathew 7:2 and Luke 6:37 which can also be interpreted as poetic justice for those observed to be wrongfully condemning others. Other variants on this phrase are also commonly used.

I like to think of it as "what goes around comes around". It truly will, my friends. Eventually. A man who spends his life bitter, will die a bitter man. I think sometimes all of us lose sight of things. We get consumed with the details and frustrations of life and forget who we are, and who we need to be. Maybe even, who we used to be. I had a conversation with a friend this morning about this and it brought some things into perspective for me. I know who I am. I may not know what the hell I'm doing (LOL), but I know who I am. I also know who I'm striving to become. It is getting easier and easier to let things go, to forgive, to care even when it seems futile, to simply know that all will meet its own fate and that I need not worry myself with so many things. Yes, I worry about how to pay the bills and whatnot, but in the grand scheme of things, what the hell does fear accomplish? NOTHING. It just makes you sick. I am a glowing testament. Sometimes it is necessary to take action, and sometimes it is necessary to sit back and breathe. Let nature take its course, so to speak. I believe I am in a time of waiting and watching. I asked for peace and prayed for wisdom. Seems ironic there was an earthquake right after that, ha! But I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today, so my prayer was answered. My problems are not yet solved, but I'm sure a solution will present itself soon.

OK, I've gone from Dark, to Deep here in the last few days. Let's see what could be next. Delusional? Demented? Deranged? Dorky? I know what my best guess is, what's yours?

All Shaken Up

We just had an earthquake!! WHEEE! Knocked me off balance a bit. Dogs are barking. Something fell over somewhere.

Earthquakes can be scary, but as long as no one is hurt and properties are not destroyed or damaged, I think they are great fun! When a bunch of people are hurt though, then not so much. That's a different story.

New Friends

I've made lots of new friends online lately, and I wanted to mention one in particular. I believe I have a kindred spirit over at "The Truth Hurts". Jeffery is an excellent poet and writes from the heart. Something I can appreciate! He apparently ran across my blog accidentally and decided to join my "Follow My Blog" list. I just noticed it and started reading his blog today, but I'm intrigued already and know I will enjoy his style. Go check him out!

There has been such a flurry of activity on my Crackberry lately, holy MOLY. I am getting about 100 emails a day that I have to return, and it feels like a full-time job! That PLUS text messages, blogging, keeping up with my daily reads and trying to work! I am busy, that's for sure. It is my hobby, though, so I enjoy it. At least it keeps me from staring into space or drooling into a cup, which is what I'd probably be doing right about now.

Anyway, I am tired from the week of insomnia and sickness, so I'm going to turn in early. Until the wee hours my beloved readers, keep it real.

Photographer?

A little bit of good news to pick me up off of the floor. I've been asked (hired) to do some photography work for a little cash. Also, I might sell-out and advertise on my blog. I may as well get paid to bitch and whine. Oh, and I found my "safe" food for the moment. (Food that doesn't come back up.) Oreos. I guess I'll be living on Oreos for a while. Awesome.

GRRR

I know I have been a great joy to read lately.

I just don't do "fake" well. If I'm having a certain emotion, you know it. No guessing. When I am in trouble, I have to hash it out in writing. I understand if you want to leave and go read more inspirational blogs. I don't have much to offer in that category right now, sorry. But if real and raw is what you are looking for, hi! Some people just can't handle me, though. That's OK, but please don't go down the "you're too negative path", I will personally have to find you and punch you in the head.

Life has taken a serious turn for me, and I truly do not know what to do. I'm at a complete loss. I guess this is where faith comes in, although I have zero faith in humankind right now. I could experience more hardship and pain, or everything could turn on a dime. Who knows? I'm trying to find some hope. Something to look forward to. Something to care about. It is not easy. Some days I just want to drive off of a cliff and other days I think I'm being prepared for some kind of destiny. You know, because I'm so special and all. Pfft.

Well, this "Booze-Hound Bimbo" (I swear I'm going to have that made into a T-shirt! LOL!) is going to have a drink tonight. I need a break from reality. Yep, someone that doesn't know me at all called me that after reading a post or two from my blog, and for some reason it made me laugh really hard because not only am I a cheap date (one drink and I'm buzzed), but I'm fully educated with a degree. Not that any of that is reflected here on the CDM Bloggery. Oh well, pride is overrated.

The most dangerous thing.

They say the most dangerous thing is to lose hope. Well, that can certainly be true, but what I've found is that the most dangerous thing is to not even know what to hope FOR. I woke up this morning after very broken sleep, feeling very numb. Very disappointed. I don't know what to do. I have no clue. I don't know how to be; what to think. I just drove into work like a programmed robot. What is my next move? How do I survive? Do I care what happens?

I don't feel well. My stomach churns. My head pounds. My chest aches. I do not have the flu. If you want happy and warm and fuzzy, this is not the place for you hang out, I guess. I tell you what's real for me. No BS. No manufactured sunshine. This is how it is. I'm surviving, for now, but what is next? How long will I last? How do I write this next chapter? Life is what you make it, right? But what if you aren't controlling it?

Saving Grace

“Saving Grace” by Everlast

One time around the block
Two times around the clock
Three times, don't cross the little lady (lady)
So pretty and, oh, so bold
Got a heart full of gold on a lonely road
She said, "I don't even think that God can save me" (save me)
(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me
Born alone, we die alone
'N' I'm just sittin' here by the phone
Waitin' for the Lord to send my callin'
Street wise from the boulevard
Jesus only knows that she tries too hard
She's only tryin' to keep the sky from fallin'
Any man who says it's Heaven and Hell
Prob'ly got somethin' useless to sell
You ask me if I'm saved, but what's it to ya?
Blow a quarter, cop another eight
You're runnin' out of high, you're losin' your faith
Throw your hands up and scream, "Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen
One time around the sun
Another year older and my work ain't done
It's time for me to write the final chapter (chapter)
Deal the cards and roll the dice
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll are my only vice
Tryin' to figure out just what's here after (here after)
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen

Anger Issues

I love the movie "Freeway". This and Pulp Fiction make me happy when I'm in a mood.

P.S. No, I'm not OK. Alive, but not OK. I'm not really talking to anyone right now.

God help me.

I can't sleep, what a surprise. I am stressing big time, trying to figure out what to do. It is just one thing after another around here, and I really am starting to have chest pains. I already have trouble keeping food down these days. I'm online trying to find a second job. Probably going to have to moonlight as a waitress again. Fun, fun, fun. I just feel like collapsing onto the floor in a big crying heap. I'm so tired. Maybe I should just not care anymore. Give up. I used to have all this hope (for many things), but one by one, those hopes and dreams are disintegrating into dust. What was I thinking? Good dreams don't come true. Not for me.

I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I came home to a disaster. I'm probably going to lose everything. Awesome.

I feel like I'm face down bleeding in the mud and people keep coming by beating me with crowbars. Maybe I'll have a heart attack with my "can't afford medical insurance" problem. Then no more problem! Wheee! Ain't life grand? Fuck ME.

You can always count on change.

No matter what your situation, good or bad, change is constant. You will never sit idle for too long, even if you try. Change will force itself on you. That is comforting to me right now. I'm sick of being in limbo, feeling like I'm floundering. I'm waiting for a few things so that I know how to proceed forward. Last Friday was part of that, but I didn't get enough info. Moving. When and where? I have made some tentative plans, but that could all change based on other things. Very frustrating. This on top of other things going on for me make for an unstable mood. Even as hard as I try to be positive and upbeat, constant blows can really bring you down. There have been so many for me. You know the old saying "God won't give you more than you can handle"? Well, damn, God must think I'm fricking Xena the Warrior Goddess or something. I've been put through the ringer, not just the last year, but for a while now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Perhaps. Or maybe what doesn't kill you now will kill you later. LOL. My blood pressure and cortisol levels can't be good right now. I'm not even going to bother with the doctor. Who cares, don't want to hear it.

Yes, I am in the "bad place" right now, and I have brought my blog with me. Forgive my dark posts, but perhaps you can relate. Don't leave me just yet, it will be a helluva ride for a while, but it will CHANGE. (See how I brought all that together? Yay me. Haha.) While it's true not every aspect of my life is discussed here, I am honest with regards to my blogging. I think it is beneficial to share some things. I know when I read other blogs, I can sometimes feel a sense of connection with someone who shares an interest or emotion. I think this explains the blogging phenomenon.

I also believe things happen for a reason. I don't always understand the reason, sometimes I don't like the reason and occasionally I never find out the reason, but I don't think we all just randomly walk the earth, or that things just happening willy-nilly. I can look back on many things in my life and understand why things happened the way they did, even if I was oblivious to the reason at the time it happened. Many times, what I thought was "bad" turned out to be a big blessing in disguise. For instance, I was fired once for something I didn't do, but didn't exactly think that was the grandest thing at the time. But, if that hadn't of happened, many, many good things would not have come to be. I think the people we cross paths with in this life are significant, too. Great friendships, life lessons, help for a season for one party or both, whatever it may be, it was meant to be, just the way it was, or is. I remember a girl I was friends with, in the 4th grade (Gigi), who had a big impact on the way my sense of humor turned out. Kinda cool, huh? I remember her so well. I wonder if she remembers me. She moved to my school in the 4th grade and left before the year ended. A short time for such a big impact, huh?

OK, I have rambled on for days here, trying to forget the darkness. I will go for now.

A message written for me today by no one I know.

I know you are seeking, "Which way do I go?" I know you are asking, "Where is the place for me?" There is a place that is perfectly suited. You will know it when you are there. You have thus far followed the right path, step by step. I know it has been difficult, and your heart is hurting, but your heart will be healed by God, who has your heart and will set you in the right place. This is a broad place where you will be received with love and joy. You will be needed in this place, even though at first it will not seem so. But continue to trust and have faith, and you will see later.

Guess that emotion.

Magadog

Magadog is trying to cheer me up. Dogs are the best. When you are feeling blue, like a worthless nothing nobody, a dog can make you feel like a somebody.

Tanking

I was feeling pretty good, then I tanked. I tanked hard. Life is awesome.

You know what is amusing to me?

When people underestimate me. When people do not know what I am capable of. When all they see is some blonde girl who likes to laugh at silly things and cuss up a storm. It has happened a lot in my life because people only know what I WANT them to know.

Sometimes at work it happens. I'll solve some problem some Harvard idiot who is mean to people has been working on for years. You should see the look on their faces. It is super entertaining. I am not the smartest person who ever lived by a long shot, but I have my moments. Life gets the best of me sometimes, though, just like everyone else. I battle with stupid depression and anxiety, and that skews my judgement occasionally.

I have had an interesting life. Much more interesting than what you read here. I have also seen and been through some incredibly horrific things. Things I don't talk about. I made a conscious choice a while ago to change who I used to be. I haven't always been the kind of person God would be proud of. (I'm still not, really.) I have done some really crappy things. I went to therapy to solve my anger issues, and I think I have. Which is good. Being angry and bitter and vengeful just makes you miserable inside, and you end up having so many regrets. I, for one, want to be the kind of person people WANT to know. Want to be with. Being kind and generous and compassionate brings more happiness than millions of dollars. When you can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, it is the best feeling in the world. No, I'm not perfect. FAR from it. BUT I'm trying to be a better person. I do love God, some of you know that. I will let HIM do the judging. However, for anyone who wishes me or those I care about harm, tread lightly.

Jinxed

Well, it has been a stupid day. I haven't felt well today and have been in bed for most of it. Now I'll be up all night. Awesome. I wanted to go on a movie date tonight with the hubs, but I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. I have a new friend over at "Jinxed". Funny! I have many stories to share there. I truly am JINXED.

Vino

This is last night's post that I didn't hit the send button on. Having a little vino. Unfortunately, I still can't tell you what I was doing today, it's still too early. Patience. It's overrated, isn't it?

Man, I'm tired this morning! It is entirely too early to be up on a Saturday.

Riddle Me a Lollipop

I answered the riddle of the day at the bank and got a lollipop. Now I'm off to my adventure!

Teriyaki

I am a HUGE teriyaki fan, and out of the billions I've tried, I like this one the best. Just so you know.

What am I up to, you ask?

Well, I'm forming some plans to have a life. I think I'm going to start having some fun. I've enjoyed the last couple of "nights out" I've had, and I think there just may be some more in store. I may know more tomorrow about some additional big changes for me, but I can't say until I'm sure. Don't want to be premature with this. I've been doing some thinking the last week or so and I'm feeling better and stronger now and maybe even a little feisty!

Up to no good.

Boy, it sure looks like I'm up to something. I think maybe I am.

Quiet

I've been rather quiet the last few days, I know. I have all these questions in my head that I can't answer.

Also, on Friday, I may find out that the gears of my life will shift yet again.

Team Sawyer

I get to dive into the world of LOST again soon. A much awaited and much needed escape. They better answer some QUESTIONS this season! I HATE waiting! I hate being confused!

 
So, girls, are you a Jack girl or a Sawyer (James) girl? I go back and forth.

I kind of feel LOST.

Wild hair day with quotes.

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument."

-William G. McAdoo

"Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up."
-Jesse Jackson

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
-Unknown

Back to the ice-cold stare look today, Nichole. Sorry. It's all I've got at the moment.

Razor's Edge

OK, enough with the sappy bullshit. Let's get things back to normal around here. Driving to work this morning I wasn't in the mood for news, traffic or soothing tunes. I popped in an AC/DC CD and cranked it. Mood music. ;-) After rocking out to Thunderstruck (which makes me drive too fast), "Razor's Edge" came on. It brought back a memory. Before I was "CrazyDogMama", I was "Razor's Edge". Yup.

Celebrating Friends

I have some really great friends. I would be dead without them. Literally. They are always there to pick me up off the ground just when I think I have no one. Some of them I don't talk with every day, and a few I don't see often, but when I need them, they are there. They don't always tell me what I want to hear, but they don't judge me, and they sit and cry with me. They pray for me. They've lent me money when they had very little themselves. They answer texts at 3 am. They panic when I don't blog for 24 hours or answer my emails. They love me even when I'm out of control or being high maintenance. I would die for them. I am there for every one of you. Forever. Thank you.

Mentally Retarded Dog

I have a mentally retarded dog, Louie, who pees in his own bed. I woke up this morning to the lovely smell of urine because his little cheetah bed is next to mine. YUCK. Fortunately, I bought the kind of dog bed you can throw in the washer, or so it said. So, I threw it in the washer. I am also apparently mentally retarded. Water came spewing out of the washer EVERYWHERE and it started going CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK, moved about a foot until its cord was yanked out of the wall, then shut off. Awesome.

Throwing Rocks

I'm alive and well. Sometimes I need a break, I'm sure you can understand that. Life threw a rock at my head, and it took a day to stop the bleeding. Ha, that kind of reminds me of a story. There was this boy in elementary school who used to throw rocks at me on our walk home. I ran from him at first, and would cry, but then one day I got sick of it, and started chucking rocks right back at him. Turned out he had a crush on me. We were besties after that.

Another blow.

Another new look. Down, get back up, down, get back up.

For Yogagirl

Howz THIS look, Missy? Hehe, I just called Yogagirl Missy. LOL.

My disillusioned look.

On a good note, I have been enjoying work the last few days, and having some fun. People are loosening up a bit and engaging my humor and playfulness.

Disillusioned

dis·il·lu·sion (noun.)

To free or deprive of illusion.
1. The act of disenchanting.
2. The condition or fact of being disenchanted.

disillusioned (adjective.)
Disappointed at finding out reality does not match one's ideals.

Yeah, this describes how I'm feeling. Especially the adjective definition. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why would I expect that any of my ideals existed? You can fall in love with an ideal, but don't be fooled. I'm angry. I am not directly involved, at least not anymore, but I'm sickened by some behavior I've run across. It seems some people can so easily bash and slander, yet they cannot or will not acknowledge what is in their own heart. Maybe hate is what is really in their heart. Let me give some advice for what it's worth. Fill your life with compliments and truth and wear your heart on your sleeve. Be transparent. Yeah, sometimes you get clobbered, but some of life's best and most important moments will more likely fill your heart that way. You will be able to say what you want to say without regret, you can put yourself out there and find what you're looking for. Does it always work? No. But if it doesn't, then it wasn't worth it anyway. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes death. Death to the soul. It's not too late. Start now. You might be surprised at what awaits you.

Smoke and Mirrors

Oops. Only meant to delete one post, not three. LOL. I get a little click happy sometimes. Now I guess I'll have to post some new stuff. The internet is such a fascinating place, isn't it? Sometimes people aren't as smart as they think they are. Smoke and mirrors.

Citrus Shrimp Salad

Went out for dinner tonight. (Don't worry, my broke didn't pay.) This is the citrus shrimp salad I ordered. I think I'm a shrimpaholic. It was crazy good.

Story

I was reminded of a story this morning, it's kind of gross, but funny. I guess I will call it "Karma".

Once upon a time I was dating this idiot. He worked at a pizza place at the time. I had gone in to see him with my friends while he was working, and he offered to make me a personal pizza. I said sure, of course. He decided that hiding about 50 EXPIRED anchovies (the large ones that look like eels and taste like death) under my cheese would be funny. I took a huge bite, then abruptly puked all over the table. HAHA. Have fun cleaning up the puke, DILHOLE. I left. We stopped dating. :-) I can take a prank, but don't mess with my food.

Random photos.

Random photos. Me trying to stay awake at work, beloved traffic, Lou in my face wanting attention, my new blue ruffly blouse, and a sheepish grin for whoever knows what reason.

Severance Gone

I'm trying not to stress because it does no good whatsoever, but my severance package perks are running out at the end of this month, which means I'm going to have no insurance unless I go on the Cobra plan which is INSANELY expensive. To cover myself on medical, it is $421 a month! Shit! I'm still on contract where I'm at so there are no benefits. Time to start living on Top Ramen.

The answer to my weight problem?

IF ONLY. Hee.

Anguish and Chocolate

Every now and then I wake from the most disturbing dreams. I actually wake up crying and physically distraught. This has happened all my life. They aren't your horror-movie type dreams, but realistic life situation dreams that upset me terribly. A few have actually come to pass, which is why I think I get so rattled. Last night I had such a dream. It took me a good half an hour to calm down. Even when I wake up and realize it wasn't real, my body still keeps reacting from the trauma for a while because it felt so real in the dream. It is terrible. I'm fine now, but it stays on my mind throughout the day. Thank God it doesn't happen very often. I'm trying to concentrate on happy things right now, or things that would MAKE me happy. It helps. I feel exhausted. I would tell you about the dream, but it really isn't something you want to read about. Truly.

It is rainy and dark and gloomy today, but at least it isn't blizzarding or flooding. I am solemn and quiet and just trying to get my work done so I can go home. I did buy one more cookbook. Just ONE, last night. For 5 bucks. But it was an important one. Perhaps I will make something from in there tonight.

My Evening

Well the evening was successful, I received $85 for all my junk! That was way more than I was expecting! Yay! Grabbed dinner at the Mongolian Grill (Yum!) and went promptly home to watch 24. Maggie enjoyed the show as well, from the back of the couch. Isn't she cute? My fortune cookie wasn't about the love this time, but apparently, I will be traveling to a faraway place that has been in my thoughts! Bahamas here I come! Woo! LOL.

It is official. I can never be President.

I took a nice long shower and feel much better. No more drowning my boredom in oatmeal orgasm pies. I'm going to go sell my stuff now and hopefully make enough to grab a bite. This is my excitement for the weekend. I don't know WTF with the pictures.

Oh, here's something. It is official. I can never be President. They do not let the President have a Blackberry. (Safety reasons.) Mr. Obama is freaking out according to the news because he is an addict too. I'd probably say something like fuck it, I'm the President, the rules are changing, screw safety.

Decluttering

Going through CDs, books and movies to sell, and listening to "My Sharona", which I'm keeping because it rocks. Getting rid of a ton of stuff and it feels good to purge. I have two huge bins of crap. It is amazing how much stuff you accumulate. Forgot I even had some of it. The rule is, if you haven't used it in the last year, it goes. Next, I'm going through my closet of clothes. Yikes.

Jack's Back!

I love me some Jack. "24" did not air last year with the stupid strike, so I have been Jack-less for a year! The two-hour season premiere is Sunday night. Woohoo! I also love Tony. Tony is almost as good as Jack. Thank God I have "24" and "Lost" coming back because I really, really miss True Blood. By the way, I'm liking Sam better than Bill now. I think. There are very few things I watch anymore on TV, it all pretty much sucks, except the aforementioned shows. I still like a couple of sitcoms, but I am so disappointed in most everything that has come out. I am looking forward to some ass-kicking. 

I've been hobbling around all night with my back, and I also hurt my foot. I am such a mess. I don't really want to go to bed because I know it will make my back worse, but I have nothing to do. Well, nothing I want to do. I'm trying to refrain from eating anymore frigging oatmeal pies. I have already consumed enough. ENOUGH. I think I'll have just one more. Damnit! I need a new hobby.

My back huuuurts.

That was my best whine. I don't really know what I did, but my best guess is I need a new mattress. I start off sleeping on my side, but I always end up on my stomach. When you have a big chest, and you sleep on your stomach, your back bows (arches) in the wrong direction and you wake up sore. I need one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. Can you imagine the imprint I would leave, though? LOL.  Ouch, it hurts to laugh.

There are addictive chemicals in these.

OK, I am putting together a workout program and buying lots of vegetables and green tea, but every now and then I need a treat. However, if I had to pick one food only for a deserted island, I'm now certain it would be Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies. OH. MY. GOD. They are ooey and gooey and I want to roll in them much like you see people rolling in piles of money on TV. I will roll in oatmeal pies, but I want money handed to me in neat piles, all bills facing the same direction. Thanks! ;-)

Classic CrazyDogMama Look

Went out last night (for dinner) but not sure about my weekend plans yet. I have to work late because the crazy flooding left only one way out of town for me, which resulted in gridlock this morning. It made me super happy and accelerated my good mood. Can you tell? This is like, my classic look. All the time.

All About Me

I have to have leather seats in my car, not because I'm snooty or because it smells good, but because when I get into the car, my underwear doesn't slide sideways into the crack of my butt.

The single most important feature in a house for me is nice, new, GOOD carpeting.

I drink milk with everything.

I love a good thunder and lightning storm!

Everything on my desk at work has to be angled in the same direction.

If someone has a zit, I beg them to let me pop it. I love puss. They are usually uncooperative.

I cannot keep a plant alive to save my life.

I will not wear a turtleneck. Ever.

I HATE clutter, but it doesn't bother me if other people have it.

I hate dusting.

The only kind of olive I will eat is a Kalamata, and the only mushroom I like is a shitake.

If I can, I pay bills the same day they come in the mail.

I will mostly talk about anything, but there are a few things I don't like to talk about at all with anyone.

I can figure out almost ANYTHING on a computer (eventually), but I have trouble putting a box together.

I fell in the shower once and got a concussion.

Something is wrong.

I have been really tired lately. I get home from work and collapse before 9, and sometimes as soon as I get home at 4:30. I'm getting 8 hours of sleep or more and am still tired the next day. I don't recall tossing and turning. I haven't had any alcohol or sleeping pills lately. My anxiety is up, which is all I can think of. I still get dry heaves with my anxiety. WTF? I have been to 3 specialists, and they can't find anything physically wrong with me, except that I get anxiety, which is no surprise with everything that has gone on and is going on with my life. I have temporary anxiety meds, but I've been taking them awhile and this tired thing is new. It is impossible for me to be pregnant. Am I losing it? Is it just stress? Is it depression? I'm trying to just put things in the past and move forward, but maybe I have lived with it for so long I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know. Somebody take me to the Bahamas, will you? Shit.

These are cracking me the hell up.

Pens are useful.

I spent 20 bucks buying some pretty hair sticks, and what do I end up doing? Using a ball point pen from work.

Never Normal

Yes, you could say this about me, but I'm talking about the stupid weather. First we had crazy snow, then the glorious rain came, now the glorious rain is stupid rain and is flooding everything. It took me forever to get to work this morning and my windshield wipers are doing this "schwooop, squeak, schwooop, squeak" thing that makes me want to drive off of a cliff. I reserve the right to complain about whatever I want, so don't get all self-righteous on me! I went to bed (fell asleep) right in the middle of texting someone at 8:30. Nice of me, huh? I was so pooped after my gigantic shrimp feast. I finally had that phone interview yesterday, the weather screwed up the first one. It went well, and I think I may have a pretty good shot at this one. It is actually a supervisory position. Scary! I've never been a boss before. We'll see what happens.

Giant Shrimp

They're HUGE! MONDO! BIGGIN'S!

And I'm gonna eatem' right up!

Doggie CPR

The caption is funnier than the damn picture!

How YOU doin'?