Pissy Morning Face

Going out with the girls tonight for $3 martini night. Woohoo!

My face will look a lot different then, right now I need caffeine.

A Not-So-Girly Post

I made a breakthrough in therapy today. Finally. This should have been a big "DUH", but it wasn't. I've been making all these changes lately, right? Making some tough decisions, preparing to move away from everything and everyone I know, taking better care of myself, etc. Those are great, but I've still been feeling depressed and stuck and, here's the epiphany. I'm bored! My therapist listened to me today and all of a sudden started flipping through her notes and looked up and said, "You need some stimulation!" I said, "Excuse me?" (LOL) She said you are a 100% adrenaline junkie who has been sitting at home, only occasionally getting out. She said someone like me will never be happy unless I'm stimulating my "adrenaline" somehow. She said I also need to get out and meet people, isolating is a big danger for me. We talked about some things I might be able to do right away, and we came up with one possibility. Boxing Club. That's right, boxing. I used to belong about 8 years ago but had to quit because I was working about 80 hours a week at two jobs. Now I'm not. Boxing is a hoot! It is the BEST workout you will EVER get, and the people there were so nice. One of the guys there told me I have a great right hook.

I hope I can do it. It will take some of the doldrums out and get my blood pumping again. I'll definitely sleep better. GUAR-AN-TEED. Have you ever tried boxing a round? I run out of oxygen in about 45 seconds with sweat POURING off of me. (I know that doesn't sound feminine, but boxing makes you look great naked.) So, let's recap. I'm bored. The solution? Hit people and get kicked in the head. Perfect. If I do it, you will be seeing some pretty entertaining pictures. I'm probably going to have to eat less cheese, though.

Enchiladas & Dead Like Me

Gaze your eyes upon my dinner of cheese. CrazyDogMama's enchiladas. I'm going to watch a rerun of "Dead Like Me" and devour some of these.

Spiders, Fog & Louie

There was a spider blocking the entrance to my car on the way to the GYM. I freaked out and had 100 lb. JENNY kill it for me. I know, an ex-cop afraid of spiders. They make me nuts. I almost shot one once.

My assessment of the fog this morning. Visibility: Not far.

Louie now stands OVER his water dish to eat. He is a truly bizarre dog.

Magnetic Spice Canisters

Everyone needs these. Magnetic spice cannisters for the frig. They are AWESOME. It frees up space in the pantry, and no more hunting for the right spice! I know you will immediately run out and get them.

There is one problem, though. If you are OCD like me, and just one of them gets out of place? Yeah. That's the downside.

Texas?

I guess you could say this is the "same old stuff", but with new info and a twist. Back to Texas talk. California is pretty much out of the picture completely. I don't want to get into the why's, but it is. I am really thinking more and more that I want to try San Antonio. Everything I read about it flips my lid. I know, I know, every single person I tell this to looks at me like I am one sandwich short of a picnic, but seriously? Texas actually fits my personality perfectly. Many people don't know me as well as they think they do. I am a red-meat-eating, sun-basking, thunderstorm-loving, conservative, bible-belt sort of girl who (sorry Nichole) doesn't always recycle properly. (You all know I think we are going to die in a nuclear war anyway, which won't be doing the environment any good.) Flooding? The town I live in floods every single year because the river overflows. BAD. And not only that, but the snow also makes for 9-hour (no joke) commutes in the winter. Snow was fun when I was a kid, but it sucks when you have to drive in it. Bugs? Orkin man. Air conditioning bill? I pay $500 bucks a month NOW in the winter for heat, and almost that much in the summer because I'm constantly watering the million miles of grass I have. (Don't tell my mom.) But you see, there is one thing here. In Texas, my house would be nicer and cheaper (and WILL have a pool) and I could probably make the same amount of money working. So, to me, that is a big difference. I have at 1042 sq. ft house right now, with no fireplace, no pool, made like crap, and my mortgage is almost 2K a month. The housing market is WAY out of control. It is ridiculous. I had to move an hour away from EVERYTHING just to afford what I have.

I've been looking on the internet, and with the equity I would pull away + my stock payout when my job ends, I'd be looking at about a $600 dollar mortgage. BIG difference, no?

Here is a perfect example of a house I would LOVE. 

I've also been looking up the 'culture' in San Antonio and it seems really neat. Fun, friendly people, big festivals (Niosa), etc. In Seattle, if you smile at someone, they glare at you. Generally, people think I'm out of my mind when I strike up conversations with strangers here. You know, the funny thing is, everyone thinks I just came up with Texas out of the blue in the last few months, but the truth is, I've been thinking about it now for around three or four years - ever since I had a dream that I moved there. I just didn't tell anyone.

Anyway, I'm in limbo right now, and I'm making lots of personal changes, but the long and short of it is that no matter how much changing I do here, I'm still in a rut. I've lived here all of my life (except 6 years in California when I was born) and it is time to go. I need to leave some things/memories behind here and start a new life. I wish it would start sooner, but the timing of all things will work out just the way they are supposed to. So, until then, I'll just continue to "clean things up" here and improve myself the best I can until my real adventure starts. Yes, I know about Hurricane Ike. My heart and prayers go out to all affected.

Excited

I just checked my "Aveda Awards" points and didn't realize how many I had racked up! I just sent for my free spa day and hair service. I'm going to get a new "do" and color. I'm keeping it long and blonde (of course) but I need to be a little more up to date with style. As some of you know, I am reinventing myself and starting fresh with many parts of my life right now, so this is a great addition. I love anything Aveda, and since I buy shampoo, conditioner, tea, makeup and get all of my hair care, etc. done in their salon, I get LOTS of points pretty quickly.

I also decided to order some clothes anyway because they have a nice payment deferral program from the place I like to order. I hate to do that, but I'm on a roll here, and I've waited a lifetime to pamper myself. So, the hell with it.

Perfect Combo

Well, I managed to get myself up. The dogs were freaking out, it was funny, licking my face and whining. They are no help.

I made some cookies and am watching the Bridges of Madison County. Such a great movie, the acting is superb, and I always cry at the end. It is so bittersweet. I think the conversations they have are so human and real, and I love it when she comes downstairs in the dress. If you haven't seen it, or haven't seen it in a long time, go rent it or something. Trust me. Make cookies to go with it, it's the perfect combo.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You are not going to believe this. I was taking a nap and the phone rang, the regular land line one. It startled me and as I reached over for it, I fell out of bed. I tweaked the hell out of my back and can't get up. Seriously. If the Crackberry hadn't of fallen off my nightstand on top of me, I wouldn't be blogging.

I am by myself right now, so this is fun. It is not bad enough to call 911 or make anyone drive all the way out here, I'll be fine. This isn't the first time I've hurt my back. It's just annoying. As soon as I can get up, I'll ice it and take some Aleve. That usually works. I feel really stupid.

Going through my grandparent's photos.

There are some funny, funny photos in here. Here are the descriptions of the photos shown:

Me circa 1991 getting ready to go to the horse races with my grandparents in California, posing my ass off.

Me and my grandpa dancing in the pool about 1985 or so. Good times.

Me in the 70's at my grandparent's house modeling a hat like a boss.

My mom took a photo of me eating a bag of Doritos in a bikini and cut the top of my head out of the picture. LOL.

2:54 AM

Do you ever get really, really bored in the middle of the night? Yeah, me either.

Sleeping beauty or insane insomniac? No question there. Then there is Alien McEyeball that refused to sleep in the bed.

I really need a new duvet. That ugly ass one is like 12 years old. The one I want is called "Damask Stripe in Cabernet". It's red. The color of your duvet is important. Is there a pill that makes you stop wanting stuff? I need that.

Blah.

I'm very blah today. A little down. A little sad. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Life is hard to understand - but here we are.

The dogs are staring at me. It must be dinner time. Have no clue what to do for the weekend. Staring into space seems to be the agenda at the moment.

Spicy Mama

If you know me, you know I'm a spicy girl. I like it hot! These just crack me up.

And nothing goes better with spicy than a little Southern Comfort, LOL.

I'm not a booze hound, I swear! I inherited my grandpa's liquor collection. Which was extensive.

Being Silly at Mom's

Went and got a burger with Ma and now we are goofing around on her deck, well at least I am as you can see. She was making me laugh so we caught it on film. She won't let me post pics of her. Crazy woman.

Her and I get really silly when we hang out. She's always trying to get me to come live with her so we can be silly all the time. That is her dog Molly, who I named. I name the dogs.

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 4

Exhausted from sobbing, Sarah slowly got up and prepared for her shower. She tossed her camisole, bra and panties into the sink for washing, and turned the shower knobs on full blast and hot, until the room was steamy.

She let the hot water run over her face and down her body without moving, just standing with her head tilted up towards the shower nozzle. Her face was swollen, her muscles ached, and her arm bled. She just stood, still, for what seemed an eternity. Concerned the hot water may run out, she grabbed the paper-wrapped hotel soap and ripped it open. Oh, how she missed her fragrant, girly soap from home. She hoped maybe someone would get to use it. The hotel soap had a wooden, bland smell, and the shampoo was even worse. She was grateful just to be able to get cleaned up, though, and was enjoying the relaxation. She had no idea how long she had before her next job was presented. The hotel was her rest stop for the moment, and she was now in wait.

As she washed her face, she suddenly started to feel a little faint. Her mind raced and she knew what was happening. She held on to the sides of the shower and slowly lowered herself to the basin floor. She huddled in the corner with her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself, and burying her head so as to shield her face from the hot shower water raining down on her. She started to shake violently and was jolted back and forth, side to side, hitting the shower walls. She heard the familiar whispers, "Test the spirits, test the spirits!” She knew what to do and did it promptly. The jolting stopped, but she still shook. Sarah could no longer hear any sounds, not the shower water, not even her own heartbeat. Nothing. The kind of silence that if it were to continue, may drive a person mad. She could still feel the hot water beating against the top of her head and knees, though.

She waited. Sarah said a small prayer asking for strength, understanding and protection. Just as she finished her prayer, she could see colors everywhere, even though her eyes were tightly closed. Now she could not feel the water hitting her, yet she was warm. The colors moved and started to form a picture. She saw the hotel she was in, then it faded and formed a new picture. This picture was of a coffee shop with a pink “HELP” sign floating against the window. She didn’t understand what that meant. Help who? Help how? Where is the coffee shop? Please, I need more information! she thought to herself. The vision ended like a lightning strike, startling her. She felt the water return and all the sounds of the room. She lifted her head and hoisted herself up. As she reached to turn to the nozzles off, she noticed the cut on her arm was gone. Vanished as if it were never there.

Cooking Block

I'm having a cooking block. Nothing sounds good anymore. I'm reducing myself to mac and cheese tonight. Possibly a hot dog. Yes, I am 5 years old, where's the apple juice?

I'm thinking of following it up with some of my cognac, though. That will help with the writing. HA.

Did anyone catch "Fringe" last night? It was pretty good, done by the same guy who does "Lost", my favorite. The story I'm writing will have some supernatural element to it, so watching my shows is research, LOL.

BTW, what's up with the lack of comments? Not that I ever really got many, but I'm all lonely over here. Throw me a bone. I've been a blogging fool lately, but I think I'm talking to myself.

Nichole, you have been very good lately, that was not for you. I'm surprised you are not saying something about hurricane Ike hitting Texas soon. In all seriousness, though, I hope it takes a turn. The weather is just out of control anymore.

Going to go eat and do some writing. My new hobby to keep me busy.

Edit to the Story

I did a little editing of the last story entry (Chapter 1, Part 3), if you are following it. It sounded goofy. It still sounds goofy, but I'm enjoying doing it, nonetheless. It is strangely freeing. I have so many ideas, but it is not easy getting them organized. That's why I'm practicing on you. I didn't have a good day and it's a good escape.

Blocked

It is a pretty morning, but I'm fairly irritated that the street I live on is completely blocked off and I have to take a 10 minute detour around it. GRRR.

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 3

Sarah touched the necklace softly as tears began to stream down her face. She hated to cry, but there was no way she was going to stop this. She had been holding it back for too long.

She shut her eyes. Six months ago, she had taken a short business trip to Belize, and even though the beauty of the place was incomprehensible, she had been bored and depressed as her new co-workers flitted off to tours, fancy restaurants and dancing, leaving her to herself. She tried to shop, tried to relax in the sun and take in the sights, but she was still alone. As an editor, she was used to time alone, but it was painful when in such a beautiful place.

Giving in to solitude, she had found a small cafe to relax in and grab a drink. That is when she met him. She had noticed a man sitting in the corner, but didn't make eye contact, as she was shy. She felt him looking at her. Staring. She remembers giggling a little when he accidentally spilled his drink as she got up and walked to the ladies' room.

When she got back, much to her surprise, he was standing next to her table. "Do I know you?" she asked; however, she did actually feel like she knew him from somewhere. "No, I'm sorry to bother you, but I had to talk to you." he said, sheepishly. His cheeks started to turn a little red, but he never took his eyes off of her. He had the most penetrating eyes. "I actually have no idea what to say." He smiled and admitted that he had been staring and that something made him get up. He could not let her walk away without talking to her. Sarah didn't know what to say either, but she couldn't explain what she felt when he spoke. She was flattered by his gesture, but something was different. He felt it too, she could tell. It was like no one else was in the world except them at that moment.

The next two days were a blur of indescribable emotions for Sarah. She spent every minute she could with the man from the cafe. They talked, they ate, they drank. When he kissed her, it did more than make her weak in the knees. The last day before Sarah was to leave for home, and as they were walking along the Belizean coast, he turned to her. "Marry me, Sarah. Please, please marry me."

He had already told her he loved her, and she had said it back like they had been a couple for 10 years. Sarah didn't even have to think about it. It never occurred to her that this was absurd and crazy. She didn't ever want to be without him. She couldn't be without him! Never in her 38 years had she ever felt so comfortable, so in love, so herself. She smiled and said "Of course!" He smiled back, a huge grin on his face, such a sincere and honest sigh came out of him as he lifted her up, swung her around and kissed her with so much passion she almost didn't believe it was happening. She finally understood all those silly terms. 'Love at first sight', 'soulmates', and the like. The connection they shared was unreal. Not only did she feel like she had known him all of her life, but they also shared an intense, burning passion for one another, way beyond what she thought existed. Although her carnal thoughts were going all over place, it did not seem like lust or obsession, but almost like a force.

They looked for a jewelry shop, but of course beach towns in Belize are not exactly known for their wedding ring stores. They found a small shop after a few hours with the most colorful and exotic pieces they had ever seen. He picked up the blue topaz necklace and held it up to her face. He lightly brushed her hair back with his fingers and said "Perfect." "It matches your eyes and the color of the sea outside." He bought it and he put it around her neck as a substitute for a ring. For now. Sarah had so much emotion running through her she thought she was going to explode. That night they made love. Every touch was deliberate, every feeling was new, and every emotion was tender. She was dizzy with happiness and contentment; foreign feelings for her until now.

Sarah opened her eyes and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She put her hands over her face and rocked back and forth. "Oh my God, Michael. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I love you so much."

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 2

Even as hot as it was, Sarah couldn't think of anything better than a nice hot, long shower. It had been a few days since she was able to wash, and when she got to the hotel at 2 am, all she had the strength to do was take off her jeans, throw her duffle bag on the cheap yellow velvet chair by the window and fall onto the bed.

She walked over to her bag and dug out her toiletries. A small grey box fell out and tumbled under the bed. She reluctantly got on her hands and knees on the disgusting carpeting to retrieve it. As she reached for it, a loud knock on the door made her suddenly recoil her arm and scrape it against the bed's metal frame. "Housekeeping!" Sarah winced as blood dripped from her forearm. "Can you come back later?" she managed to say. She heard the woman mutter something in Spanish and roll her cart away. Looking for something to wrap her arm with, she reached for the small box with her other.

Sitting on the floor with Kleenex stuck on her arm, she opened the box. It had been at least two weeks since she had gazed at the most important possession that she had left, a small blue topaz on a delicate gold chain. The last thing he gave her before everything happened.

Ice Cream Truck

Before getting back to the story, I have to tell you about our neighborhood ice cream truck. It is the most depressing thing you have ever heard in your life.

It plays the theme song from "Love Story", the movie. I shit you not. Are they trying to stimulate your suicidal thoughts and/or clinical depression so that you will say "fuck it" and buy 12 fudge pops? I know I want one. LOL. Maybe next year they'll play "All by Myself". Seriously, though, what are they THINKING?

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 1

She could feel the heat on her eyelids. The sun was just starting to shine through the sheer white curtains. Sarah rolled away from the bright light and leaned forward. The room was humid and sticky, and as she remembered where she was, a brief moment of panic struck her chest. Her heart palpitated and fluttered. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes. With her hand slightly shaking, she slid some of her hair behind her ear; leaving the other side hanging as she stared down at the dirty beige carpet. The panic slowly faded and her thoughts were diverted to him. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the memory of his hands lightly touching her shoulders from behind, and so softly, almost barely, kissing the back of her neck. Even in the memory she shivered.

Sarah opened her eyes and quickly jumped up from the hotel bed not wanting to think about it anymore. He was gone and she had to keep moving. That was the way it had to be.

In the small bathroom mirror Sarah looked at herself. One of the straps from her white camisole fell to the side from the top of her shoulder. It was in great need of washing. Her long, dark brown, layered hair hung in front of her face and deep, dark circles invaded what were once her bright, vivacious eyes.

Homemade Iced Mocha

I'm making a homemade "Coffee Bean" iced mocha this morning, with chocolate & espresso beans that I purchased online. If I can't be in California, I'll have it shipped to me.  Not only does it taste awesome, but it is going to save me a buttload of money! That way I can buy other things.

I feel strange emotionally this morning, like anxious or expectant. Can't put my finger on it exactly. I know I'm bizarre, I just have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not a bad feeling necessarily, just a weird one.

Womanly Bargains

I feel like a girl today! No, scratch that, I feel like a WOMAN. Before you scold me for spending more money on myself, check out the DEALS I got! The purse (which I love, so shut up about the leopard print, I have only had a black leather purse for about 15 years and now I'm embracing my wild side) was regularly $40, and was marked down to $15, and the Sketchers (shoes) were regularly $55, and I got them for $20! Aren't they cute? Super comfortable, too.

I'm actually twirling! I want to kiss everyone! Not a good idea, but still. Now I need a night out on the town. Juice? Did you say something about $3 tini nights?

Oh! I almost forgot, my "Coffee Bean" espresso and chocolate powder came today in the mail, too! I think there's only like one thing missing from me being in utter orgasmic bliss!

Freshly showered and caffeinated.

I actually fell back asleep and had a *good* dream, this time. Much better.

The dogs were throwing a fit when I locked them up this morning. Holy GOD. I have to scream at the top of my lungs to get their attention. Which I'm sure the neighbors appreciate at 6 am.

Night Terrors

Just woke up from some terrible dreams. I used to think only kids dealt with that, boy was I wrong. It is horrible waking up in the middle of the night like this, feeling like this. Anyway, for anyone out there going through night terrors, I feel your pain.

On a side note, I let the dogs out to go potty while I was up, and I caught Louie licking the BBQ utensils. Nice. Eww.

Not the same.

It's not quite the same as lounging by the pool in California, but it's all I've got. What should I eat? What sounds good?

Lazy Relaxing

OK, there is a fine line between relaxing and lazy. Maybe I should just call it lazy relaxing. I do it well. I'm lying in the sun today while the weather is still nice, and I can hear all my neighbors mowing their lawns and tending to their outside duties. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher yet. I really need to organize my office, too, and my filing cabinet is busting at the seams with old papers, bills, etc. I need to invest in a shredder. But the sun is out, and I don't want to waste this precious time.

I watered my plants. There, I did something. Now I'm going to hose myself off, because I'm a little too warm. Hopefully no one is watching.

Big Efforts

I am making a big effort to do more nothing. More "Me" time. I'm splurging on another small glass of cognac and just lit my new outdoor candle. It's funky, I'm digging it. I'm thinking about doing some reading while the dogs are curled up next to me. I'm sick of just wasting my nights on crappy TV.

While out shopping the other day I ran across a really cool CD. It's called "Cabernet, Jazz from the Wine Bar". I listened to some samples and loved it. It is mellow, yet catchy and soothing. I'm changing in my old age, it is strange. Anyway, I think I'm going to play it to complete the ambiance I've got going on over here.

Herbs & Geraniums

On the more boring side of my life, here is a picture of my Dill & Cilantro herb pot that is now out of control in just 4 weeks (from seeds), and my beautiful Geraniums. (Thanks Mrs. A!)

I didn't end up going to bed until about 4:30 am this morning, then I got this really excited call from my mom at 9 am, exclaiming news about some upcoming sale. LOL! So much for sleeping in.

What I Want

Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*

I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.

I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.

I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.

I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.

The Dance of Anger

The evening was nice with mom. We ate Mexican food and then did a little girl shopping, something I've only started doing of late. I think I've bought more stuff for myself in the last few months than I have in YEARS. I need to chill, though, I'm running low on funds and starting to stress out. In the grand scheme of things, it has only been about $100 worth of stuff in a few months, but I still feel guilty for spending money on myself when I'm struggling financially.

These are my new chili pepper lights, which are cool as hell, but a total unnecessary purchase. Little things make me happy though. Then there is my necessary purchase to deal with my anger issues, as recommended reading from my therapist, "The Dance of Anger".

I'm just kicking back now relaxing, trying to decide whether to go to bed or not.

Annoying My Mother

Friday. Thank you!

Going to party with my mama tonight. Dinner and shopping. I did a quick tan at lunch and had the best teriyaki EVER. That's the picture, along with my new indoor tanning lotion (I know, I know) and me sniffing it because it smells so good. I'll post more later when it is not annoying my mother, like it is right now. 

Maybe

This was sent to me today and it really touched me. I didn't find it cheesy, but thought provoking. Thought I would share.

MAYBE...

 Maybe . . . 
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . .
when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . .
it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . .
the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . .
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .
you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe . . .
there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . .
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . . 
you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . .
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . .
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . .
happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . .
you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . .
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . .
you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

The stuff I've been buying.

Remember the black "swim dress" I ordered? Well, I ordered the size I usually order just before vacation, and when it came, it was really big on me, but did fit, so I took it with me. When I tried to swim in it, it was funny because it was just falling off of me all over the place. This made me happy knowing I had lost weight. When I got back home, I decided to send it back and get a smaller size. I figured the next size down, or maybe 2 sizes down would be perfect, but they discontinued the item in those sizes and my only choice was 4 sizes smaller. I almost didn't do it, but I went ahead and made the exchange thinking that it would just motivate me to lose more weight, and summer was over with for this year anyway. Well, the new smaller swim dress arrived the other day and it took me two days to open it and try it on. I was prepared to laugh at myself, then cry. BIG SURPRISE, IT FIT! OMG. I can't believe it. I am 4 sizes smaller. Who knew? Especially after all the steak and shrimp I've been eating.

So, I am a little giddy about that. I don't feel like I've lost 4 sizes, but I'm not arguing. Now I want to shop for MORE clothes. My mom told me last night that she really wants me to concentrate on "me" right now. I don't want to disobey my MOM, now do I? LOL!  I did order my "fiesta tropical chili pepper lights" and some "Coffee Bean" espresso online, but that didn't cost very much at all. I'm going to have to save up for more clothes.

On a different note, I have something on my mind that I can't talk to anyone on the planet about. Which sucks. It is not good nor bad. It is just for me only. OK, I talk to God about it, but no one else. It is perplexing and can evoke emotion, yet it is not tangible or predictable. (OK, that was random.)

Last on the list here is that the book "The Shack" I told you I was listening to; well, it is really good so far. I actually went and picked up a copy of the book itself, and when I went to pay for it in the Costco line, it created quite the discussion. First, the clerk helping people unload their carts remarked immediately exclaiming, "That is the best book I've ever read!", then the woman behind me said something similar, and all of a sudden there was about 15 people talking about how this book changed the way they lived their lives. DANG. I'm not even close to finishing it yet, but I can't wait to see what the commotion is about. I'll keep you posted. So far, I am very intrigued by it. Many people call it a "Christian" book or a religious novel, but I really wouldn't say that so far. I think no matter what you do or don't believe, this story may have an effect on you. Just a hunch.

Coffee, Dreams & Book Ideas

Coffee, I need COFFEE.

With the bizarre dreams I've been having, I've almost come up with an idea for a book. My dreams lately have had PLOTS. Is that weird?

No headache and no kidney pain this morning, only the pain of the commute.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better now, but I slept most of the day, so now I'm wide awake.

The doctor said my recent headaches were most likely either a hormonal imbalance or barometric pressure changes from our sporadic weather. I guess some other people in the area have been experiencing the same problems. She is not worried about my kidneys either because I recently had a CT scan and an ultrasound that showed no abnormalities, and if it was a kidney infection, Aleve would not have helped the pain much. The pain I did have was probably "cramps" disguised as kidney pain. So, whew!

My mom (bless her heart) drove all the way up here and brought me dinner and kept me company for the evening. I kept her up so late that I made her spend the night.

All is well and I'll be back to the salt mines tomorrow. Goodnight.  I hope!

Unexplained Pain

I stayed home from work today. I'm in pain. I'm battling one of my headaches and have unexplained kidney pain. I don't think it is kidney stones, it is more of a dull ache, rather than an intense, crazy pain that makes you roll on the floor in agony. You DON'T want kidney stones, OMG.

I hardly EVER take sick days, because I just sit around sick and worrying about my job like a freak. It is beautiful outside of course and I'm chewing ibuprofen and lying on the heating pad.

I have no one to whine to except the internet right now, so deal with it.

Possible Coffee Stand Names

If I move to Texas: "CrazyDogMama's Coffee Corral"
If I move to California: "CrazyDogMama's Bean and Beach"

If I stay in Washington: "CrazyDogMama's Candlelight Coffee Cozy"

Brainstorming here. I wanted to get in on one of the "Coffee Bean" franchises that I liked so much in California, but they don't sell individual franchises. Fuckers. You have to buy a minimum of 9. Well, I'll just have to pay off the Lamborghini first. HA.

If I stay in WA, I may have to just write because coffee stands are about every 3 feet here. Seriously. There is no point. It is getting close to that scenario in California, but the baristas there still don't understand the art of coffee making like us Seattleites do, so I think I could capitalize. I have a great chocolate sauce recipe that I could use for mochas, you see, and people will go nuts for it! I know it! What would I write? Don't know. How to go insane in 9 months?

Sleeping Fuzzy & Bizarre Dreams

I hate it when I wake up just before my alarm goes off. Gah! Let me tell you, I have some BIZARRE freaking dreams. I have NO IDEA where I get this stuff. I'm not going to post details about this one but trust me when I tell you it was a doozy.

So, what do you do when you have 20 minutes left to lay in bed, but you can't fall back asleep? You blog and take a pic of a sleeping fuzzy.

Food, Drink & Yoda Ears

When you don't know what to blog about, post pics of food, drink and doggies.

This is BBQ chicken marinated in Jack Daniels and other good stuff, me holding a glass of Remy Martin, and cute Lou sleeping at my feet. I love it when his ears droop to the sides and he looks like Yoda. Cracks me up.

The Governor of Texas is Kinda Hot

I'm poopy today. Depressed. Something new for me. I'm curled up in a little ball trying to keep warm with the Crackberry. Even going tanning, my tan is fading and I'm looking less and less like a California girl. Back to looking like I live in a Batcave. I just ate a whole bunch of cookies. Not good. Shit.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. There are many ways I could go. Some doors get slammed in your face (especially me) but there are other doors opening? Maybe? Maybe Texas is where I'm supposed to go? I don't know anyone there. Talk about scary. Facing a new world like that. But it could be really, really good. I thought about what kind of work I would enjoy. I want to be my own boss. I don't want anyone telling me when I can and can't blog. LOL. I actually thought about something interesting. Owning my own coffee stand. I would be good at it, and, well, you know how I feel about coffee. Then once that was running smoothly, I could write.

Just getting some thoughts out. Sidenote, I just noticed the Governor of Texas is kinda hot. Hehe.

The News

Got up at 3 am (why fight it?) and have been watching hurricane coverage. What's even more interesting is the little news ticker at the bottom of the page, and the comments Russia is making to us about our involvement in Georgia. Anyway, I'm going to lay back down and try to get some rest.

Rain, Thunder & Plan B

Sitting on my patio in the rain listening to thunder thinking about my anger issues. That's what I'm doing. LOL. I finally bought a book my therapist has been trying to get me to read forever to deal with my repressed anger. It hasn't arrived yet, but it's weird, I never really thought I was angry, I thought I was sad. It is always interesting to get an unbiased opinion from someone who has been listening to your BS.

In other news, it looks like Plan B is going to go into effect, my mom isn't going to budge on the California house. Do you think I'll make a good cowgirl y'all? Yeehaw! I do look rather cool in a cowboy hat. HA. They do have awesome storms there to watch, which excites me. Oh, and also, pray for the people about to get bashed by Gustav. It sounds like it's going to be just terrible.

Early Sunday

I am up at 4:30 am on a Sunday. This is completely and utterly WRONG. What is wrong with me? Thank the Lord for the internet. It is so quiet right now; all I can hear is the fountain in my backyard.

Scratch that, serenity over, frigging dogs are barking. Idiots. I woke them up, and mama doesn't get up this early, it must be the boogie man, so time to bark. ARG. I have no idea what to do today. Maybe I'll just make it a relax day since I've been running chaotic this week. Yeah! That's what I'll do! Nothing! Problem solved.

I'll leave a candle burning for you.

There has been much loss in my life. Not just the death of family members, but other things in my life that I cannot discuss here. There has also been a loss of myself, in some ways. I'm leaving a candle burning for hope. I'm leaving a light on in the darkness to show the way; my own little light that hasn't quite completely burned out yet. I'll leave a candle burning for you, too.

A Surf & Turf Feast!

I'm feeling better now and ready for a feast! Here's my scampi and steak. I make the scampi with lemon, crushed garlic, butter, pepper and parmesan. Easy!

I did a little cleaning and FINALLY unpacked my suitcase. LOL. I've been a little unmotivated. Just a tad. I never used to be this way, I used to be on the ball about everything. Guess I just have a bad attitude anymore. Oh well.

Migraine Hell

It has been an especially lovely morning. I woke up with a migraine from HELL. I don't get them often, but when I do, they make me sick to my stomach and I can't see. I am just now getting over it and finally have an appetite. I didn't get home until 9:30 pm last night, so cooking my nice meal was just not happening that late. I'll be having steak and scampi tonight! Yay! I love me some good food. My mom is coming over, so I know she will like that.

I'm still in the doghouse for those of you who have been asking. I'll write more later, gotta straighten up the house for company.