Mountain Go Boom

Mt. St. Helens erupted during my commute home yesterday. I am too far away to see any of it, but it is always exciting when you get about 5 cell phone calls from friends and family saying, "It blew again". Everyone I know, knows that I love following all these kinds of events - volcanos, earthquakes, etc., so when something happens, I am all of sudden very popular to talk to. The last few weeks have been rather eventful, too. All kinds of shit going down. My skeptical husband who always rolls his eyes at me, said to me yesterday "You know, something is not right. Too much stuff is happening, and something is not right." My paranoia has finally rubbed off! LOL. :) The dogs have been all twitchy, too. Last night Louie started howling, and this morning Jim said they were all lovey. SOMETHING IS DEFINATELY WRONG FOLKS.

Employed!

FINALLY! Jim got a job! I was laughing at him this morning because he works at 5 am in the morning and he was dragging ass. I have been getting up at 4am for as long as I can remember, so I was not so sympathetic. LOL. Apparently, my teasing ticked off God, though, because after Jim left, I spent a half-hour looking for my stupid fucking keys - making me LATE for work with my new boss. THEN, I got a call from Jim, and he told me he was being sent home early because there was a minor earthquake that his new job was at the epicenter of. Stuff was all over the place that they were having to clean up, and the machinery was out of calibration rendering it useless. Figures.

Have you noticed the increase in earthquake activity lately?

The Beast

There comes a time in everyone's life (especially females) when paths are crossed with vile creatures. The vile creature that has recently crossed my path will herein be referred to as "The Beast".

The Beast started work at the restaurant last week. The Beast was cleverly disguised as a bubbly, girlie-girl waitress with a lot of experience. Oh, but no. Underneath that horribly fake blonde hair with lots of bling-bling in it, there resides evil. Evil that makes the devil shutter. The Beast decided that she would kiss as much ass as possible to try and "get" my job. I'm not sure why she wants it, but nonetheless, she pursues. The Beast is a money-grubbin' whore. If there were a 20-dollar bill laying on the floor, and you were in the Beast's way, she would stab you with a butter knife to get to it, I shit you not.

Thank the Lord I am not the only employee to feel this way. Apparently, I don't hide being annoyed well, and a private discussion was had on what to do about the situation. We decided to grit our teeth and bare it for now, and let life take its course. Boy, did it. The Beast let her evil out by phone call at a quarter to midnight on Saturday. I was still working, and just happen to answer. The owner witnessed the wrath of the Beast.

The call was about how she was all pissed about having to "share" her tips with me and two other employees that night, although she disguised this real reason as "I need to know exactly how much I made so that I can write it down for my taxes, and I know I made more than $75." Whatever. We don't usually have a tip-pool, but due to a large banquet party, it was the fairest route since we all busted our asses. I am in charge of the dining room and made the command decision to make an even split of the tips. You have to keep in mind here that this was her third night of work, and she was technically still in training. She is lucky she got ANYTHING. The Beast demanded copies of her tickets. (She apparently didn't look at them before she left.) She went on to tell me that when she was hired on, she was told that all servers made individual tips, and if this not how it was going to be, then she was going to have to quit. (Oh well! So sad!) She said she didn't like sharing because she is "used to making better tips than her co-workers and it would not be fair to share them". Say WHAT? Excuuuse me, but I've been waiting tables for 17 years, BITCH, and have bigger tits than you. The Beast even witnessed me making a 65$ tip on a $145 tab the other night, yet she still had the nerve to say this to me. I am the only other server there. I concluded she was pissed because she made a bee-line for the door to seat those very same good-tipping customers in her section on Saturday night. They are regulars, MY regulars. I was a little miffed to say the least. Who the hell does she think she is? She is certainly not CrazyDogMama, damn it.

The Beast also likes to show off by bringing in her own wine accessories and such and give the owner all kinds of "suggestions". It gets on my damn nerves. But, as it turns out, it gets on the owner's nerves as well. (Insert evil smiley face here). It will be interesting to see where this goes. Stay tuned.

Update

You are all so great. Thank you for all the personal emails...I wasn't really mad, I just wanted to stir the pot a little. Hehe. All of the blogs I read daily really cheer me up and keep me going. I actually feel guilty for not writing in mine. I know I am all twitchy when my favorite bloggers go on hiatus.

Jim is still on the job-hunt, but he decided to go with a staffing agency for now to just get something to keep us going. He is wanting to get out of the woodworking business, but that will of course take some time and soul-searching. In the meantime, we need stuff. Especially me. I'm a stuff-needing-girl. The greedy little bitch that I am. My close friends keep telling me to snap-the-hell-out-of-the-depression. They don't let me get away with whining a whole lot. Especially when I try to get out of working out. Picture 3 women dragging a fourth to the gym kicking and screaming holding onto a brownie while smoking. That's me.

Louie and Maggie are on serious vacation. When I come home last night, all three of them (Jim included here) are laying T-U on the floor lounging with the TV blaring. Bones laying nearby, and bags of Cheetos. That is when I go into my B-movie routine of how I am working so hard the flesh is falling off of my fingers and where's my dinner? Get-the-hell-up-before-I-kick-you!

Things are looking up, though. I am in a silly mood today and I was brought an iced mocha. Oh, the Joy.

Total Slacker

That would be me. I have watched my blog stats sail downhill the last few weeks; no doubt due to my lack of updating. Well, you know WHAT? BITE ME. No one has emailed me to ask if I'm dead, and there have been no words of encouragement. So, again, BITE ME. The depression and total pity-pot attitude I have had lately has turned to cynicism, sarcasm and anger. So, basically, I'm back to normal. But APPARENTLY you don't miss me, so BITE ME.

Day 17 of No Days Off

It is the aftermath of V-D. (Valentine's Day for all you warm and fuzzy freaks out there.).Holy Crap-O-Rama. The restaurant I work at was sold to a new owner last December and this was the first REALLY CRAZY night we've had. My body aches this morning, and I swear I'm getting varicose veins. Gross. Anyway, I have 5 more days until I finally have a day off. What will I do that day, you ask? SLEEP. EAT. SLEEP. REPEAT.

Louie is being really sweet and loving and cute and fuzzy. I'm wondering what the hell is going on in that little doggie brain of his. I'm waiting for the bomb to drop.

As if you don't already pity me.

Let me tell you about my day yesterday. It was going along just fine, la la la. THEN, I decided to try and figure out my own taxes before I go to the tax guy, so that I will know whether or not I can do it myself next year, or if I'm a complete retard. So, I just basically copied my taxes from last year, filling in the new numbers and complying with the new laws. (Love the new deduct-all-your-sales-tax thing.) Before I started, I thought I'd probably get around $1500 back per usual, give or take a few hundred. WRONG. I get back NOTHING. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. This is the year I needed a return. Jim has no job. There is no food in the refrigerator. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I owe everyone I know money. My hair is turning brown. THE HORROR. Enter bad mood.

THEN I went to the Post office on my lunch break and my "YOUR ENGINE IS GOING TO BLOW UP" light on my car's dashboard turned on. Super. Perfect. I called a mechanic, and he told me to go make sure I had my gas cap screwed on tight. (Apparently, he thought I was an idiot. A common mistake.) Yes, the stupid gas cap is on, fool. So, I had to get the car in right away. Long story short, I wrote a check for about $350 dollars that my bank account doesn't have. Yeah, that's right. Bad mood turning to panic.

After that, it was time to go to kickboxing. After writing the rubber check, I had developed a major migraine. Since it was only 4:30, and kickboxing wasn't until 7:30, I figured I could just go take a nap in between. I didn't get all the way home before I needed to stop driving and LAY DOWN. HEAD NOT GOOD. GOING TO PUKE. I parked in the grocery store parking lot across the street from the gym to rest. Of course, the place I decided to park just happened to be the next hang out for the local dumb-ass kids who have nothing else to do but hang out in the grocery store parking lot. Loud thumping music. Loud stupid kids. Crazydogmama pissed. I moved the car to a different spot, all the while my head is pounding so hard I can't even see. I am thinking at this point that kickboxing probably isn't a good idea tonight. (duh, ya think?) I start to cry. Not a little whimper or two, but BAWLING so hard that my face puffs up, snot is running out my nose and my mascara is running down into my bra. I have no Kleenex mind you, and my headache is getting worse with the pathetic wailing.

My cell phone rings. It's my kickboxing buddy calling to see if I'm still going. I sound like a train wreck, and she asks me what the hell is going on and where I am. She comes and picks me up and takes me to one of our other kickboxing friend's house. Since I am a big loser this evening, everyone decides we are not going to kickboxing. They give me a drink. It is Dr. Pepper and Malibu rum. I am in no mood to argue. Don't ask. They give me headache drugs. Much better. I still looked really pretty, though, with raccoon-face.

Today has been "I gotta find money to put in the bank" day. So far, I've come up with 170$. Only 180$ to go!

Are you realizing my whole "February" issue yet??

I hate February.

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate February. Most of the *really* bad things that have ever happened to me, have happened in February. (I have big issues with Valentine's Day especially, but we're not talking about that.) I basically just hold my breath all month waiting for a bomb to drop. This year, however, I am optimistic for the first time since I was 16. So many icky things happened in January this year that I think I may skate through February unscathed. Maybe. You see, January is usually a great month for me, but not this year. Maybe it is taking February's place. It might as well, there is weirdness everywhere, and I mean weirdness. Are any of you experiencing weirdness too?? Dreams, feelings, people doing and saying bizarre things, etc. There is a guy at work that tiptoes down the hallway. He is not trying to be funny. It's that weirdness I'm telling you about. Yesterday, I saw a guy walking down the street with a wig on crooked. A normal, suburban street. I am living in the twilight zone. Either that, or I need to chill on reading all those freak-ass articles on the internet about aliens and Bigfoot.

My Husband's Diet

When Jim dropped a Fire Cheeto on his pot roast last night, I thought to myself, "I need to blog this.". Jim is the freakiest eater on the face of the planet. This is a man who ate fig newtons EVERY. DAY. For two years. Then, he went through a bagel phase. When I mean phase, I mean breakfast, lunch and dinner for an indefinite period of time. I'm pressed to eat *anything* twice in the same DAY, unless of course it involves iced mochas or pizza. He also does this really bizarre combo-thing, too. (Like spicy Cheetos and pot roast.) Yesterday this is what he ate in the time frame of 3pm to 8pm:

Frozen pot roast "Life Choice" dinner with green beans and spicy Cheetos.

Pork pot stickers with soy sauce.

Huge-ass piece of lasagna.

Chocolate brownie with white chunky sugar things in it.

More pot stickers, and more spicy Cheetos.

"Smart Ones" frozen chicken and pasta stir fry.

Please tell me this boy doesn't need some food-therapy. Did I mention he had SPICY CHEETOS WITH POT ROAST?? Yuck.

Someone needs to take the internet away from me.

It's a hopeless, dangerous addiction that gets me into to more trouble.

Currently, there is a rescue Cairn Terrier who needs adopting in my area. Crap. This little 6-month-old DOLL needs me, people. My husband is bugging me about getting her, but I keep telling him we can't because he needs a JOB FIRST. Dogs are expensive, I already have two dogs, I have to work a lot, blah, blah, blah. I know. But it just breaks my heart. I am the ultimate sucker. Jim walks his unemployed ass around the house all day telling Lou & mags they're gonna get a "sister". He gets them all riled up. Then he gets me all riled up. I keep saying no, but I'm gonna break, I'm telling you. As soon as he gets a job, I'm gonna break. He has an interview Tuesday for a good job that he is perfect for. Keep your fingers and paws crossed!!

I smell like a boy today.

For some reason the hand lotion I am using + the perfume I put on this morning combine into what smells like a very pleasant MEN'S COLONGNE. I keep wanting to flirt with myself, and I keep smelling my hands.

In other news, I was in bed all weekend with the flu, and when I was driving home on Friday on the very scary Highway 2 (nicknamed the "highway of death"), this old white van suddenly swerved head-on into my lane. I closed my eyes, swerved to the right thinking "I'm dead" and for some reason (most likely divine intervention), I completely avoided both a head-on collision and hitting the guard rail that would send me straight into the river. I must have a purpose on earth because SERIOUSLY FOLKS, I SHOULD BE DEAD. I walked into the house in shock and told my husband he was talking to a ghost. Then, I took a bunch of NyQuil and went to bed for 48 hours.

Does it even surprise you anymore?

This is the picture that my tax person has on the front of his brochure:



All I can say is, that pup better get me a helluva return this year. I need it BAD. I'm running out of 20$ hair conditioner, my nails need to be done and my car needs to be detailed. (All the dog hair.)

Adding Insult to Injury

As if you're not sick of my whining by now, in addition to all the crap happening to me, Maggie pooped in the hallway today and Louie peed under the coffee table. I almost cried. Almost. Usually I would just flail-about and scream "OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!", but today was one of those days where I could cry over not enough chocolate in my iced mocha. I really, just really need a happy day. Things are so fricking crazy right now, it's scary. Even the weather has lost its mind. Last week we had an ice storm, and it was in the 20's. Today, we are flooding all over the place and its nearly 60 degrees. 60 DEGREES PEOPLE! IN JANUARY! I'm sure the world will be ending soon, or pigs will start flying.

I have to say, though, as bad as my 2005 is going so far, I still have to be thankful I'm not in SE Asia. I read an article today saying that 225 THOUSAND people are dead, and you know they are under-reporting the numbers. It is estimated that a possible 200 thousand more could die from disease. That is just downright depressing. Makes me want to go hug everyone I know.

Guess what?

CrazyDogMama fell down a flight of stairs. Yep. My ankle is completely messed up and I look like I have many things shoved up my ass when I walk. Last week was just fabulous, let me tell you. Unemployed husband, bruised and battered body, and a new boss. What a stellar start to 2005. Somehow, though, I'm still going to go to my new boxing class on Wednesday. So help me GOD.

Pass the Valium, Please.

Nothing seems bleak when you have a full stash of "happy pills". Everyone keeps asking ME (not my husband) how it's going. Apparently, I'm the high-strung one. My friends understand me, though. Our motto is, "Create your own happiness". I am trying not to self-medicate with peanut butter cups, though. Prescription drugs are much easier on the ass and thighs.

It's going OK. I tend to want to freak out thinking about the situation too much, but truly, there is nothing I can do. I have my husband doing all kinds of projects at home. Fix the vacuum. Take down the Christmas lights. Wash the dogs. Steam clean the carpet. Yep, I have a house-boy. I may even have dinner waiting for me when I get home. *Grin*

Murphy's Law

What happens when you quit smoking, get back on track with eating clean, start going back to the gym 6 days a week and, just basically, start kicking ass?

Your husband loses his job.

Now I just want to lay in bed with a pack of cigarettes, a rum and coke and big stupid bowl of cookie dough.

Well, crap.

So, I went back to work on Monday. I put up my new calendar, checked all my bazillion work-emails and had 6 cups of coffee. In walks the Vice President. He wants to talk to me. Holy Shit. I'm not on the internet, I swear! He wants to speak in private. Oh Gawd. It's only a few hours into my day, in the new year, and he tells me, "I've just laid off your boss". What do you say to that? I just blinked. As my boss packed up his office, I was given a stack of work taller than my desk. I have been told that the company is being "reorganized". Yeah, whatever. I'm a peon here, so I'm not in jeopardy right now. I don't think. I don't make the big bucks.

So, being boss-less, here I write in my blog. I better get to work.

Whoa.

Can you say blog sloth? Yeah, that's me lately. I have just not been in the mood to type or do anything requiring brain power. Not that I use my brain when blogging, mind you. There has not been anything blog-worthy going on anyway. We raked it in at Christmas and have been lazy peanut-butter-cup-eating grumps ever since. I'm throwing out the cigarettes on Monday, (again) and I'm scared shitless that I will gain weight. I have enough weight, thank you.

For New Years, I'm working at the restaurant. (Insert sympathy, here.) While everyone else gets to party, I'm the one serving YOU. Remember that. Remember the next time you go out on a holiday, and you're all dressed up and drinking yourself into a stupor...someone made that drink. Someone is making sure YOU are having a good time. Tip them accordingly. Thank you. Done ranting.

I know I'm in a crappy mood. It's just that my computer crashed, and I have to go back to the other job on Monday (the 10-hour-a-day office job) after having 2 weeks off. It's been great, but the whole going-back thing sucks. One can get very used to doing nothing. Especially me. I'm really good at it.

Happy 2005 to y'all, hope its a great year for you!

He *really* wants to open a present.

I won't let him. Mean Crazydogmama.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Consider this your Christmas card.

OMIGOD!

For any of you who have been reading my blog for any length of time, will know that this video is SO TOTALLY ME ON THE TREADMILL. You will die laughing. I did.

https://youtu.be/l3keGElnSh4

Just get your coffee and leave me alone.

So, at the coffee machine today someone said to me: "You look tired today." I said:

My vacation is getting closer.

In four days, I will embark on a 17-day MUCH NEEDED vacation. My brain is almost completely fried (and NOT from substances) and I just don't think I can take much more. I have been working 7 days a week for a month now, and I'm starting to hallucinate. I couldn't even get out "24 oz triple iced soy mocha with whip, please" this morning. Thank God they already knew what I wanted. This is serious, folks.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't know what day it was. I knew to go to work, though. Sad.

What do you think?

Thanks to Annie for this one.

Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Ok, I'm feeling festive now.

Fa-la-la-fucking-la.

I'm grumpy as all hell. Who invented Christmas lights? They should be shot. Our tree is shaped all funny and looks bent at the top. Got all the lights on it, and OF COURSE they didn't all work. Took the lights off and put more on. Now, because of a nice little mother-fucking windstorm, half of the lights on my house don't work. Our house looks retarded. How fitting.

Went to get the oil changed in my car. I was expecting to pay about 30$ for the full service. It cost $300 because there were several things wrong with it. Of course. Now the Christmas budget is blown. Nobody is getting shit. Then, after all was fixed on the car, on the way home I RAN OVER A DOG. Yes, that's right folks, CrazyDogMama hit and killed a poor defenseless dog. I am horrified and depressed. and a piece on my car is bent. DAMN IT. This will be FOUR animals I have now hit with my car in 3 years. Two deer, two dogs. Just call me the grim reaper.

Are you in the holiday spirit now? Good. I thought so. Meh.

Courtesy of Annie

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Sultan

Did I ever tell you...

...about when I first got Louie? This is a funny story. We brought little Louie-fuzball home on July 3rd. Yes, the day before the 4th of July. Anyway, he was cute and fuzzy and peed everywhere, as expected. What was not expected, however, was me thinking my new little puppy was possessed. I had never owned a Cairn Terrier before, and boy was I IN FOR A SURPRISE. Cairns do all the cute puppy things that regular puppies do, except one thing. They play like they are pit bulls. Louie disembodied plush toys and growled like he was possessed by the devil. (You know that story in the bible about the possessed pigs? Well, yeah.) At the time, we did not know if he was just playing, or if he had distemper or something. The vet gave him a clean bill of health, and Louie was all normal-acting at the vet's office (of course) so distemper was ruled out. He would do this "grrr...grrr...grrr" thing with all of his teeth bared and his tail spinning like a helicopter blade. It was a little frightening. All 2 lbs. of him. He only did this for us. Whenever we had company over, he was a little puppy angel. The little fucker only wigged-out for us. I ended up calling my mom bawling my eyes out telling her that Louie was possessed, and I didn't know what to do. She just laughed at me. We laugh about it NOW, but I'm telling you, if a little puppy came rushing out of YOUR bathroom with a little white bathroom trashcan in his mouth, shaking it back and forth while growling like he just made his first kill, YOU would be nervous too.

Oh, and here's the Thankful List:

1. I am thankful for my hubby who will drive an hour at 10pm at night (without complaining) to bring me my car keys that I have locked in my car for the BAZILLIONTH TIME.

2. I am thankful for my little 1040 square foot home that still has paint tape on the spots I have not finished from the July painting.

3. I am thankful for my little possessed puppies who light up my life every day.

4. I am thankful for all the rest of my family who has not committed me to an insane asylum yet.

5. I am thankful to have a job that has let me stay for 10 whole years and lets me blog.

6. I am thankful for prescription drugs that keep me from curling up in the fetal position sucking my thumb.

7. I am thankful that I have my health. I still can't do a pull-up, though. I am still a wimp-ass.

8. I am thankful for iced mochas. You knew I had to put this one in, right?

9. I am thankful for Nature's Miracle. (The stuff that cleans up dog pee.)

10. I am thankful for all the wonderful friends I have made through blogging, here's to you!

Notes to Self

Gingerbread Lattes, good. Eggnog Lattes, really good. Me to Lou-dog: "Get away from my NOG, DOG!"

Earthquakes and Turkey Day

As you know, I like to keep up with earthquake statistics. Yes, I know, the ultimate Geekdom. Anyway, check this out: (I bolded the magnitudes)

>2004/11/15 09:06 M 7.0 WEST COAST OF COLOMBIA Z 4.61N 77.54W>
>2004/11/16 10:06 M 6.1 NEW BRITAIN REGION, P.N.G. Z 5.57S 151.42E>
>2004/11/17 21:09 M 6.6 FIJI REGION Z 19.96S 178.80W>
>2004/11/20 08:07 M 6.2 COSTA RICA Z 9.57N 84.19W>
>2004/11/20 22:01 M 6.1 COAST OF GUATEMALA Z 13.41N 90.05W>
>2004/11/21 11:41 M 6.0 LEEWARD ISLANDS Z 15.68N 61.69W>
>2004/11/21 11:07 M 6.0 TONGA Z 15.33S 174.99W>
>2004/11/22 20:26 M 7.3 OFF W. COAST OF S. IS, N.Z. 46.57S 164.83E

Those are some big-ass magnitudes, no? Over the last few years, this has become the norm and therefore the media has become complacent about it. However, 10 years ago - this would have been headlining news. There has also been much volcano activity in the last few months. Looks like the Ring of Fire is roasting some chestnuts for the holidays.

Besides waiting for the "big one" to hit, I will also be cooking Thanksgiving food for SIX WHOLE PEOPLE. Needless to say, I'm terrified. You may have read some of my earlier posts on the cooking disaster that is me. Jim is doing the turkey and the mashed potatoes, so I at least have peace about that. One year, though, I forgot my brain and bought a FROZEN TURKEY one day before Thanksgiving. That was quite possibly the most stressful 24 hours of my life. I won't be doing that again. Fresh turkey, I repeat, fresh turkey.

Jim puts garlic and butter all over the turkey and whips the potatoes. He is really sexy when he mashes all of those potatoes. I make my special secret stuffing, the baked pineapple (my fav!), the cranberry sauce (whole berries, of course), the gravy, the rolls, the banana dessert Jim has to have, and usually the green bean crunch - but this year I'm making my mom bring that. My friends are bringing pumpkin pie tartlets and alcohol. Okay, so really, I don't have to do that much. I'm scared anyway.

Because I love you all (well, most of you) here is quite possibly the best Thanksgiving recipe on the planet:

Baked Pineapple
In a baking dish (size of your choice) create the following layers:

1 layer of crumbled saltine crackers
1 layer of pieces of real butter
1 layer of pineapple rings
1 layer of brown sugar

Repeat layers about 3 times, then bake in the oven at about 350 for 40 minutes or so. During the last 10 minutes, add a layer of small marshmallows on top. DO NOT SKIMP ON ANY OF THE INGREDIENTS. Serve piping hot.

It sounds simple-stupid, but I'm telling you, you will reach orgasm. This recipe was passed down to me over several generations on my mother's side. It originated in the deep South. Trust me. Try it. People will ask you to make it every year for the rest of your life. :)

Have a Happy (and safe!) Turkey Day!! I will be posting what I am thankful for in the days to come - which is now an annual blogging tradition for me.

Where's Crazydogmama?

She has been hiding. Had the flu last week, then killed my back scrubbing the bathroom floor. To make it all better, this helps:



It's like a cross between soft Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms. Jim picked it up at the store for me along with Orange Juice and Cold/Flu tablets. My husband rocks. Seriously.

I have not felt like blogging at all. I don't know why. Sorry.

Oh yeah, I had a birthday.

I turned 33 last Friday. Whoop-de-doo. My boss at the restaurant gave me a bottle of champagne and I drank almost all of it in one sitting. I also (and you will be proud) went to the gym with my workout buddies. They gave me presents and I kicked their ass. (I am training them.) I am not a certified trainer, but they decided I had the most knowledge of the 3 of us, and actually do EVERYTHING I tell them to do. It is so fun. I love bossing people around, I've learned. It is amazing that they trust someone who has a purple knee from flying off the Stairmaster after "accidentally" pressing level 10 without realizing it. *blush* Yes, it's true. I have fallen off BOTH the treadmill and the Stairmaster now. No one comes to my rescue anymore. It's like "that's just Cheryl falling off the machines again".

Halloween Photos, FINALLY!

OK, so what if it took 2 weeks to post them, I've been busy being lazy.

Jesus gone insane. (My neighbor naturally looks like Jesus.) Everyone took turns trying on the straight jacket. We KNOW how to party, I'm tellin' ya.



Here is the "new" Leatherface mask. It was about 12 sizes too large for Jim's head, so we put it in a bowl and had black light on it.



Jim in the old mask. I know you WANT him, bad.



My little ankle-biter. Ha!

OH HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

I got a new cam-er-a, I got a new cam-er-a!! It is my birthday this Friday, and I bought myself a REAL camera. I already have a good digital, but that was it. NOW, I have a new Konica Minolta 35mm with a 28-100 lens and a 75-300 zoom lens! Oh, happy day! I'm also going to be taking a photography class in January so that I can learn how to turn it on and load the film. LOL. I just love photography and have always wanted to learn how to do more than take snapshots. Wheeee.

OK, I've unloaded the Halloween pics from my camera, now all I have to do is pick out which ones I can post without getting shit from my friends. Maybe tonight...I KNOW you just can't wait any longer.

Side Note

If you finish your mocha before any of the whipped cream melts, you have issues. If you, after finishing the mocha, take the lid off and scoop the unmelted whipped cream OUT OF THE CUP and eat it, you have some serious issues.

Three words: Toffee. Almond. Bars.

God has sent these down to Starbucks from Heaven, and I finally tried one. It almost pained me to purchase a non-chocolate item, but OH MY GOD IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I snarfed that puppy down in 3 bites while waiting for my mocha. (Yes, I know. Shut up.) I think I must have looked shocked and orgasmic at the same time because the barista kept looking up at me with a "you are going to choke" look on her face. I'm telling you right now - TRY THEM. Forget the chocolate espresso brownies. Ok, don't forget them, but go toffee. You won't regret it. Don't go to the Starbucks I go to, though. Cuz they are MINE, ALL MINE. I might just purchase the whole lot and sit my toffee-ass in front of the TiVo tonight.

If...

...I read ONE MORE blog today that talks about the damn election I AM GOING TO HURL. I swear to GOD!

A Halloween Recap...

OK, I'm still recovering from our Halloween party, give me one more day or so and I'll put some pictures up. I have to be careful what pictures I post, though, cuz I could very easily get my ass kicked. Note to self: getting too old to party that hard. You can't drink a pint of rum by yourself anymore.

There were bloody body parts and glow-in-the-dark silly string everywhere. When you have consumed as many adult beverages as we did, it becomes difficult to determine whether or not you should eat pizza that is lit up. We also have video of people line dancing to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" soundtrack. It is scary to think we are all in our 30's. Our party took place in my garage, where everyone froze, and where we may have set a bad example to the neighborhood children. I'm not sure, though, I don't remember any children. Were there kids? We ran out of candy at about 7 pm. We did not run out of liquor. I vaguely remember my husband hi-fiving some kid using a severed arm.

More later, I need a nap.

Lunar Eclipse

Pretty neat, right?!? We had a fabulous view from our front yard, and I froze my ass off like a freak taking pictures of it for an hour. Super cool.

Speaking of Killing Spiders

There is definitely a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to kill a spider for me.

The RIGHT way:

1. Very quickly, and I mean QUICKLY run and get a large tissue or paper towel.
2. Wait for me to reach minimum safe distance from the killing ground.
3. Smash the spider into the tissue or paper towel, making sure you cannot see ANY of the spider. There should be no "spider residue" on the wall, either.
4. Take the dead spider wad IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where I am and dispose of it in an outside garbage facility.

The WRONG way:

1. Take your time looking at the spider before you fetch anything to kill it with.
2. Tell me that spiders are "good" and shouldn't be killed because they eat bugs. BULLSHIT.
3. Kill the spider with your bare hand.
4. Scoop the spider up with a piece of paper and put it outside. IT WILL COME BACK IN TO GET ME.
5. Kill the spider, then try to walk towards me with its legs sticking out of a tissue.
6. Leave spider guts on the wall.
7. Whack the spider, letting it just fall to the ground AND NOT PICKING IT UP. This is a serious NO-NO.
8. Put the dead spider in the trash next to my desk. You KNOW it will be resurrected and come back to get me, right?
9. Put the dead spider in the toilet. They crawl back up, and I can't even finish this sentence...
10. And last, but not least, LAUGH AT ME AND TELL ME TO BE A BIG GIRL. I will kill you.

Some Clarifications

Regarding the questions/comments on the picture of Louie and Maggie on my sidebar:

No, Louie does not smoke Marlboro Lights. He's partial to Camels.

No, that is not a gun pointed at Louie's head, it's my emergency brake.

No, Louie was not in danger of a head-whack from the emergency brake if I took a turn too sharp, we were sitting in a parking lot waiting for our designated appointment at the vet's office.

Ways to irritate me at work.

1. Don't say good morning as you pass by me in the hallway. Come ON, that's rude.

2. Gleefully stroll past me in the hallway and exclaim "Happy Monday!". Just DIE.

3. Pour yourself the last of the coffee and then put the empty pot back on the burner and walk away as I'm standing there.

4. Come into my office at 6:30 am and start explaining a complicated project to me. You could at least wait until noon.

5. Come into my office and start reading the personal notes on my wall calendar.

6. Comment on the notes on my wall calendar and start asking me what my personal acronyms mean.

7. Stand in the doorway of my office until I get off the phone.

8. Come into my office and help yourself to my expensive hand lotion without asking.

9. Ask me how much money I make.

10. Refuse to kill spiders for me. That's just MEAN.

11. Mock my coughing fit from your office two doors down.

12. State to me loudly "You're having ANOTHER cigarette?".

13. Bring your baby to work and expect me to act like its the cutest baby EVER. I am afraid of babies, and I will HIDE IN THE BATHROOM UNTIL YOU LEAVE.

14. Bring everyone back an ice cream except me just because I told you I was lactose intolerant. Fucker.

15. Bring stinky food for lunch.

16. Tell me my desk is "too clean". I'm organized you idiot, not underworked.

17. Bring donuts in the day after I tell you I'm "eating clean" this week.

18. Keep slamming the door adjacent to my office.

19. Sigh, huff and act annoyed while waiting for me at the copy machine. It will make me take longer.

What a week I'm having!

I can't handle domestic problems. My stepson has decided, at the age of 12, to start the rebellious stage. I probably shouldn't give the details, but in a nutshell, he is faking sick to get out of school at least once a week, lighting matches (then lying about it), and running away down the street to the local KFC. When found, he had his backpack with him that contained a Gameboy, Gameboy games, a couple of books, 50$ and a steak knife. You know, all the necessities of life. He lives with his mom, so we are hearing about all of this over the phone, but my husband is all stressed-out and fit-to-be-tied. No one knows what to do. The first thing that comes to my mind is: Why don't you whack him with a newspaper and put him in the crate? Probably why I don't and shouldn't have kids. Ha.

On top of that, I can't find the energy to do the laundry, the dishes and generally get out of bed. I don't know if it's a touch of depression, or just being overwhelmed by life itself. The smallest tasks are frightening me. I have also had 3 iced mochas this week with regular milk. It's the only way to cope, I'm telling you.

Absolutely Unmotivated

To do anything. I keep reading all these blogs where people are working out with a vengeance, eating clean, losing weight and are just generally pumped-up and motivated. I am not motivated to do shit this week. I've been sleeping too much, eating too much and afraid to get on the scale. I've been eating all of my "intolerant" foods, therefore I'm grumpy, sickly and dragging my big, fat ass. I suffer from "workout burnout". I wish I was more like Skwigg and Yogagirl. For some reason I just can't think "fitness" and "Health" 24-7. I enjoy my fitness regimen of HIIT (occasionally), but I'll never have that trainer mentality full-time. I'm not sure why. I have extensive knowledge, it's just that I have too many days of not caring. There are times when I get into a specific yoga position on the floor and decide just to stay on the floor and take a nap. What is wrong with me?

In other news, I am obsessed with getting an iPod. Can't afford it right now, but I *really* want one. I think I want the iPod mini, but should I get it in lime green, or pink? I don't know. I really want a McDonald's hamburger, too. Just help me NOW.

Otter-licious!

It took me a while to post this, but here it is, my Otter necklace! Isn't it bea-u-ti-ful? I get so many compliments on it! Thanks Otter!! I am disappointed in how my hair doesn't look as blonde as it actually IS in this picture. Oh well, it was a mess anyway.

I Feel 21 Again

It was just like old times last night, like we never missed a beat. It was a great 5 hours of girl-talk, coffee and cigarettes. (No alcoholic beverages this time around.) There was not one, but TWO old friends that I met with! The other was a girlfriend I hadn't seen since my wedding day 10 whole years ago! It's definitely Deja Vu month.

On another note, I got a little yelled at by hubby about the peepee incident. The dogs are restricted from the bedroom until further notice. We may possibly "switch" sides on the bed, too. I got grilled about how many times this has happened that he doesn't know about. I plead the 5th and tried to look all innocent and shit. Yeah, like THAT would work.

Out of Control and Over the Edge

Not me this time; the dogs. Well, actually, me too now that I think about it. Louie may have slept his last night in my bed. Sunday night at about 1am, we all curled up (the dogs and I - Jim was still watching T.V.) in the bed. Cozy-cozy. Maggie at the foot of the bed, and Louie on my left next to my belly. We slowly drifted off into zzzz land.

A short while later, I had to roll over because my arm was going numb. I butt-bumped Louie. Startled the shit out of him. He growled at me for such a rude awakening. Maggie attacked him for growling at me. (She's VERY protective and hates violence.) Louie attacked her back, for once. and peed. ON.MY.BED. AGAIN. He didn't just dribble either, he really let that bladder GO. I popped up out of bed and shoved the dogs over the edge of the bed. I was *so* mad. The dogs knew it, too, because they didn't know whether to shit or go blind at this point.

It then occurred to me that I would have to clean this mess up quietly without telling Jim. Why, you ask? Because he was not a big supporter of the dogs sleeping on the bed in the first place, AND it just so happens that Louie peed on Jim's side of the bed. Oops, shhh, don't tell Daddy. My hopes were that Jim would fall asleep in his recliner tonight, as he so frequently does. Oooh, pleeez God, I will get so in trouble. I feel 10 years old all over again.

I have to somehow get the Nature's Miracle and a towel without Jim noticing. Tiptoe, tiptoe. Got it. Dogs still hiding in the corner. Good. After I realized that I grabbed one of Jim's golf towels, I panicked. I cannot use a golf towel to clean up dog pee if I want to live. Now what do I do? That was the only towel in the cupboard. All others are in laundry room on the other side of the house. Crap. The only thing left to do (all the while the pee is soaking into my bed) is use my own clothes. Some old t-shirts - yeah, that'll work.

Now that I have 4 t-shirts that reek of Nature's Miracle and dog urine, what do I do with them? Didn't think of that. I must have stood in the bedroom holding those t-shirts for 10 minutes trying to think of something. Uh-oh. Hear. foot. steps. QUICK! Threw t-shirts, jumped into still-wet-bed. (Ick!!) Jim walks in.

Jim: "What the hell are you doing?"
Me: "Oh, the dogs were fighting."
Jim to dogs: "Get in your crates!" (Dogs run to their crates in the office.)
Jim: "What are you doing with the Nature's Miracle?" (He saw it sitting on the vanity table)
Me: "Um, cleaning up pee?"
Jim: "They peed on the floor too??" (Getting angry)
Me: "Uhhhhhhhhhhh...uh-huh." (Big liar-head)

Shaking his head, Jim leaves the room. WOOHOO! I did it!! I get up and wipe off my soggy ass, put a bunch of old clothes on top of pee-spot and climb back in. Its not so bad. I'll just tell him in the morning when he is half asleep. Yeah, I'll do that.

Couldn't sleep. Gee, I wonder why? Got up and had a cigarette. Talked to Jim for a while like nothing has happened. Decide to go back to bed. Jim says he is going to bed too and follows me down the hallway. Uh-oh. Think! Think! Can't think of anything. Get into bed. Jim changes his clothes and gets ready to crawl in bed. I can't do it. I tell him.

I'll let him calm down before I explain myself.

Blog Catch-Up

It has been a slacker week in blogland for me. I have been sleeping, eating and working. gah. I am meeting my long-lost friend for coffee on Monday night, so that should prove interesting. We have A LOT to catch up on. I have missed my friend terribly and have felt bad for a long time that we lost touch on a bad note. She is the one with whom I spent my "rebel" years with, so talking about old times will be a hoot. Lots of drunken, stupid and INSANELY fun times.

In other news, my neighbors need to die. They are the most ANNOYING people on the planet. As you may recall, they are the ones who have the obnoxious playset in the backyard with the kids that I refer to as "the spawn of hell". Did I ever tell you about the night I drank too much? Me and hubby were playing music loud, and Holly Hobbie over there got in a huff and started *slamming* windows and such. I decided to FLASH THEM. Yep. I did. Hehe. Anyway, they are always in the backyard. I mean ALWAYS. It could be raining, and they are out there playing with their damn kids. I hate it. I am a very private person, and there is nothing worse than seeing those freaks every time I look up. No one else in the neighborhood goes outside that much, and of course, the ONES THAT ACT LIKE OZZIE AND FUCKING HARRIET have to live right behind me. They have on their little rain hats and slickers today and are talking "baby talk". I want to puke. Seriously. Harriet was talking to another mom in the neighborhood awhile back who happens to be a friend of mine. My friend told me that they were discussing songs their children liked to listen to. My friend's daughter happens to like the "barbie song". Harriet apparently was horrified, put on her disapproving face, and told my friend that that song was "immoral" and is a bad example for young girls. Yeah, the barbie song IS going to corrupt society, you know? Puh-leeze.

Question

Have you ever tripped while working out on the treadmill? It's quite dramatic, I must say.

Some Happy News

I just got an email from a friend that I haven't spoken to in 5 years! We had a falling out, but she just contacted me through classmates.com. I have thought so much about her; we went through many tough times together. Oh, happy day! CrazyDogMama is feeling all sappy today.

Learn How To Cuss Properly By Reading Blogs

During my blog-surf today, I believe I encountered 101 ways to improve the word ASS. Or better yet, new and improved cuss words.

Now, we have all called someone an "ass" before, an "asshole" or even an "asswipe", but have you called someone an "asshat"? I have not. Not until today. My co-worker, let's call him "M", found out today what it is like to be called an asshat. He did not know whether to laugh or be offended. I will let him figure that out for himself.

Might I add that you can expand on "asshat" by describing someone's mean blog comments as "asshatness".

There is also "assface", "assnodule" and my personal favorite, "assbag". "Assbag" is not new to me because my husband calls Louie an assbag. He will come when called assbag. Not to me, though, as noted in the previous post.

There are many other fun cuss words out there, too, but we'll talk about that later.

There's normal, then there's my dogs.

Normal Dogs: Come to you (at least eventually) when you call them.

My Dogs: Go to *anyone* else in the room but me when I call them, or just sit there looking at me DEFIANTLY.

Normal Dogs: Chew and play with toys, and fetch things all cute-like.

My Dogs: Act possessed and rip the shit out of every single toy you buy them inside of 10 seconds while you add up in your head all the money you just burned, and run after balls that you throw, sniff them, then return to you and wait for you to go pick them up and throw them again. This seems to entertain them greatly.

Normal Dogs: Can be trained to take a walk.

My Dogs: Insist on shitting in the middle of the street while you are crossing it, then yip and wail loudly as you try to DRAG them across while they are defecating so that they don't get run over. They also put on the "choke-and-puke" show for the first 30 minutes. It's really fun.

Normal Dogs: Wag their tails and look cute when someone comes over.

My Dogs: Screech-bark so loud it makes children cry, and RAM people who come over. They truly *love* everybody, but it can be a little hard to explain this while screaming over the noise.

This is how much I love my dogs.

This morning, Louie was being needy. He would NOT leave me alone. I always feel bad leaving them when I go to work - it just seems wrong. Anyways, I was drying my new hairdo (which somehow takes 10 minutes longer than it did before, go figure) and Louie was sitting as close to me as he could, staring up. I reached down to give him a scatch. He *really* liked this and wouldn't stand for just two seconds of scratching. Must. Have. More. Okay, more. and more. and more. Try blow-drying your hair AND scratching your pooch at the same time. Not easy. But I did it. For 30 minutes. I was late to work. Oh well. He's worth it.

What on EARTH is happening?

Well, Mt. Saint Helens is rumbling, there was a 6.0 earthquake in Central California, Toutatis is making a fly-by tomorrow, and let's not forget all the freaky hurricanes, the Iraq war and the elections coming up. Any bets on what's next?

There are so many earthquakes today all over the world.

I got a new do, too!

Seems like this is the month for new hairdo's. Skwigg went blonde, Divaquest went short, and I went shorter and blonder! It is actually just about an inch shorter and a little blonder than the picture I have on the right for my profile. Got some layering too. My head was seriously looking like a dingy mop, way too long (it covered my boobs) and way too brownish. Something had to be done. It is really fun to come to work like nothing is different, sit down at my desk and just watch. People will walk by and glance at me, then stop, turn around and come back. Lots of comments, you know the routine. By the end of the day every single blonde joke in the world has been told, and if I hear "Did you get your hair done?" one more time, I swear I will hurl. Yes, YOU FREAKING IDIOT, I did get my hair done. You have a terrific grasp on the obvious.

Which "Spice" are You?

Jim and I went out to breakfast yesterday morning. I didn't feel like getting dressed up, so I put on stretch pants, a t-shirt and Adidas flip-flops with socks. I said to him, "I'm going as Sporty Spice." Jim said to me, "I'm going as Old Spice". LOL!!

Meet "Crazydogmama: Groomer"

So, I called my groomer to schedule an appointment for the pups last Friday. No one answered, so I left a message. I got a call back later that day from a young girl (not my usual groomer) who tells me that they are no longer doing "hand stripping" because of the "carpal tunnel" issue, and would I still like to schedule for a bath? No longer hand stripping? SHIT! Hand stripping is what you have to have done to Cairn Terriers instead of clipping with scissors. It's when you pull out or "strip" all the dead hair out BY HAND. It was impossible to find a groomer to do this because it is so tedious and time consuming - not to mention most groomers don't even know HOW to do it. This means I have to do it. I did it. Poor dogs. Poor CrazyDogMama. My fingers were actually bleeding afterward. The dogs look a little funny, but not too bad. It took four frigging hours. So, now I am pricing out some professional grooming tools online. Grooming table, MARS Coat Handler (a stripping tool helper) and other stuff. VERY EXPENSIVE. Crap. This sucks.

You should have seen it. I set up a scrapbook table in the garage and commenced the stripping of the dogs there. They yowled and whined, and I cussed. All the neighborhood mommies were horrified, I'm sure.

I wonder how many people will google "stripped" and will come here expecting to find naked pictures. Ha!

Louie & Billy

Here is Louie snuggled up to my stepson, Billy. That dog is glued to that kid when he comes to visit. It's like I don't even exist. Impossibly cute.

Nappy-Nap Time

When I'm tired, I'm tired. Here's me catching a few Z's on a bench in downtown Seattle. It was the 80's - hence the stupid-looking sunglasses. Picture courtesy of my mom who thinks I'm certifiable.

More Organizing

Here is my latest project with my neighbor's kitchen. TA-DA! An organized pantry!

The paint and the ceramics, finally!

My new red wall (part of it, anyway - the other part isn't done YET) and my new teacup by Angelheart Designs. Not a very good pic of the new paint, but I'm working on more. The lighting doesn't want to cooperate. Oh, and the blue cushions on the chairs are going away, just in case you thought I didn't know that they look like caca with the red paint.

 

Meltdown

Having one. It's been a stressful and busy week. Too much working, not enough alcohol - ahem - I mean fun. I haven't even had time to blog. How pathetic is that? It looks like I am going to have to go back on my anxiety meds cuz I've had, like, 5 mini-nervous breakdowns this week. Yeah, I almost broke into tears when they didn't have my shade of powder at the makeup store, and I thought the world was coming to end when my husband left my chocolate soy milk out of the refrigerator all night. I cannot make decisions either. I got my nails done on Friday and could not decide what color to have them painted. It was just too much thinking. NEED. DRUGS. I also need a fricking iced mocha and a massage. Maybe an iced mocha with some Baily's Irish creme in it. Hey wait, maybe I'll just drink the Baily's WHILE getting a massage. YEAH! That's the ticket!

Dinner at Crazydogmama's

Had fake eggs with half a Louisiana hot link and a glass of Valpolicella (red wine). I *seriously* need to go grocery shopping. Oh, and, while cooking it, I was shaking my ass to "The Zoo" by The Scorpions. Jim said that if he'd had a dollar, he would have stuck it in my panties.

...and here you were wondering what Crazydogmama did with her kid-less nights...

NOW they do it. GRR.

"We left out all the calories and kept in all the fun!"

The Quiche Controversy

This weekend, I tried to make a Quiche without eggs, without wheat, without gluten and without dairy. I know, I know, most people would be like "eat something else, dipshit". But not me. Let's see, it went something like this:

-Buy gluten-free, wheat-free pie crust mix.

 
-Buy "culinary egg substitute".

 
-Try to find some kind of cheese that is not actually cheese.

 
-Chop up a bunch of vegetables - especially things like jalapeños, so that I won't be able to taste the other stuff.

 
-Make dough. This could be a book in and of itself. I am not a chef. I am barely a cook. After attempting to make this mother-fucking dough, I am considering myself a failure at life itself. I start mixing the ingredients. I realize I am missing 2 important ingredients. Derrr, I can read, Derrr. Send husband out for missing ingredients. Resume mixing all ingredients. Read in directions that dough needs to be chilled for an hour before rolling begins. Think to myself "fuck that, I'm hungry now". Forget doing that part of the directions. Start rolling dough. Cuss a lot because I don't have a rolling pin. Big Derr. Go borrow rolling pin from neighbor. Begin rolling dough. Cuss some more and almost start crying because dough is sticking the rolling pin. Call neighbor and ask why her rolling pin doesn't work. She tells me to use flour on the rolling pin, and that will help with the sticking. I start to use flour. I then start throwing things around the kitchen (while actually crying and wondering why I went off my anti-anxiety medicine) realizing that the whole reason why I bought the gluten-free, wheat-free mix in the first place was because I CAN'T HAVE REGULAR FLOUR. The purpose of the recipe is now moot due to use of regular flour. I continue anyway because my stomach hurts from not eating anything. I can't get the dough to roll correctly. I go back to the directions and read that I am supposed to be rolling the dough between two pieces of saran wrap, not wax paper. I cannot get dough off wax paper without destroying it. Destroy dough and roll into ball again. Decide to just "mush" dough-ball into pie pan with fingers. Satisfied after wanting to commit murder. Dogs are hiding. Pour all of the other shit in the middle and throw in oven for an hour. Eat it. Make husband eat it. Not bad, but husband gave me a "B+". I asked, "Why not an A?" Husband says, "It was lacking presentation". I can live with that.

OK, just one more thing before I go.

I was checking my stats a few minutes ago, and I looked at how people are finding me. Someone googled "Cheryl naked snow pics". OK, who is trying to find naked snow pics of me? Not gonna happen people. That is too freaking cold. LOL!

A Tribute to Our 10th!

Remember I was telling you that on August 27th, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary? Well, here is a little glimpse of that day:



Jim looks so young! He has had a goatee now, forever, so when I look at this it makes me giggle! We didn't end up going ANYWHERE or doing ANYTHING to celebrate. It's bad, I know, but we are saving up for our next Disneyland Trip! 2005 is Disneyland's 50th Anniversary you know!!! Can't wait for the new Space Mountain. I'm seriously jonesing for a trip.

Tantalizing Teas

As you know, I am a hopeless coffee addict, but the time has come for me to drink more tea. In the past I was what you would call a "tea-hater". Well, I'm really trying to become an adult (scary!) and I decided to give the whole tea thing a whirl. Turns out I kinda like it. Go figure. Maybe I should try a brussels sprout one of these days, huh? Anyway, here are some teas that made my A-list recently:

My favorite: Aveda Comforting Tea - It has the BEST sweet aftertaste!

My other favorite: Ginger Yogi Tea. - A mucho-spicy Delight! Good for the tummy.

She's No Lady

My 12-year-old stepson was over this weekend, and he announced the reasons why he cannot practice any of his wrestling moves on the female members of his family:

"Grandma is too old."
"Janet is just a little girl."
"My mom is a lady."
AND...
"Cheryl would just kick my ass."

Good to know where I stand, I suppose. LOL!

I did it! I did it!

I had my first SOY iced mocha today! They're good! After a WHOLE WEEK of no mochas, this was ecstasy in a cup. Oh, and there was no big, fat, hairy spider in it. For a moment there, I thought I was going to save money at the coffee store. Damn.

Late

So, I woke up at 6 am this morning. I am supposed to be up at 5 am. Whoopsie! Called work to say I slept through my alarm. Went back to bed. (You have to make the whole late thing worth it, you know?) Got up at 7 am. Took a shower. Drove to work and got there by 9 am. Something is telling me I need a vacation. My give-a-shit meter seems to be broken. I do take my job seriously, (stop laughing) and am glad to have it, but something is wrong with me lately. Usually, I am the kind of person who will BOLT out of bed and run around in circles when I have discovered that I'm late. When I was little, I used to sleep-walk and my mom would find me in the bathroom at around 2am getting ready for school. When she asked me what in the holy hell I was doing, I would reply "Getting ready. Don't want to be late!". I'm surprised I didn't get strapped to the bed after doing that, like, 6 or 7 times. Now, 15 years later, if I get up at 2 am, it's because I've had too much to drink and need to hurl.

Lou-tude and Magapuke

I totally forgot to tell you about what has been going on with the dogs. My husband, a.k.a. dumbass, decided to go on a "treat" spree. He brought home every flippin' thing you can think of. Dog bones filled with peanut butter, these nasty knee-bone jobs that reek, and pig ears. GROSS. I never feed the hounds this kind of sludge. You may be thinking: "What a sweet, sweet man to do that!" NO. No. Get over that. In less than 24 hours, Louie has growled at me twice when I tried to move his peanut butter bone out the way, (when stepped on, these bones draw blood) and Maggie has puked and crapped EVERYWHERE. In her crate, outside, on the carpet, on herself. She likes to roll on it too. Ironically, Louie has not tried to hump her. (He is usually *incessantly* doing that.) When I came home last night from a nice visit to the gym that ended in a 15-minute sprawl in the hot tub, Maggie of course wanted to greet mama. No bath had been given yet. BLECK.

A Quick Update

I'm still getting all the pics together that I've taken lately to put on the blog. I know I've been promising. Be patient, kiddies. On the nutrition side, this is the latest:

Monday and Tuesday have been non-headache, non-bloating and normal bowel days. I haven't thrown up ONCE!!! You were just waiting to hear that, right? I'm just giddy about it. (It doesn't take much.) I wouldn't say I'm fully "alert" yet - the fatigue still has its claws in me, but it has improved. I was actually in a good mood the WHOLE DAY yesterday. Not just an hour here, and an hour there. Usually it goes like this: Waking up: grumpy as hell. Driving to work: falling asleep. Getting to work: nervous and hoping no one notices I'm late. Actually doing work: REALLY cranky. Lunch: Decent mood as long as I remembered to bring food. Getting off work: Ecstatic. Driving home: Pissed beyond all belief at the amount of traffic. Getting home: Depends on what Jim is doing.

Eats for today have gone as so:

1) Smoothie with fresh blueberries, rice protein powder, vanilla soy milk, packet of Splenda.

2) Green tea and a Zone Bar. (I'm not actually supposed to be eating the Zone Bars, but I'm NOT wasting those expensive little fuckers.)

3) 4oz. of lean beef marinated in red wine, garlic and Worcestershire sauce with grilled green, red, yellow and orange peppers, and onion. Emer'gen C (mixed berry-flavored) energy powder to go in my water.

4) Black organic coffee, Zone Bar and multivitamin.

Planning to have:

5) 4oz lean beef (same as above) with black beans and fruit salsa.

6) "Muscle Milk" protein shake mixed with organic soy milk.

Did I mention that I'm not supposed to have chicken, shrimp or pork? What the hell is THAT about, you ask? Something about the "lectins" in them I'm supposedly "sensitive" to. So, for meat, my choices are: Lean beef, lamb, veal, venison, fresh fish (no shellfish) and turkey.

I've done it. I've become one of "those" people. You know, the EARTH MUFFINS you see in the health food stores and in the organic section of the supermarket? Next thing you know I'll be growing out my armpit hair and wearing Birkenstocks. Ok, I'm not growing out my armpit hair...but Birkenstocks ARE comfortable.

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering: My blood type is B+, NOT O+. Got the results last Friday. Was that a "quick" update??

For all you girlie-girls out there.

My very good friend is a ceramic artist, and I am decorating my newly painted (yet, not FINISHED) kitchen and family room with some of her stuff! I thought I would help her out and plug her website on my blog. It is all reasonably priced and very unique - not to mention she'll do custom work for you. As you know, I am a big fan of the "Sweet Potato Queens" books, and there are tons of "Queen" type designs such as: "Don't bother the Queen", "Queen of the Kitchen", etc. (You can also come up with your own sayings.) Her custom clocks are also fabulous - I am currently saving up for a dog clock! :-D Appropriate for me, no? Anyways, check out her site - Angelheart Designs. If you order something, tell her Crazydogmama sent you - you just might get a discount! I'll post some pictures of the stuff I've bought as soon as I am finished recharging my frigging camera batteries. They always run out JUST when I need them.

Bare with me.

As you can see, I am redecorating my blog. I was sick of the old one. Somehow, I have erased all of my "links" coding, and since I am coding-retarded, it could take a while to get them back up. *sigh* Nothing is ever easy. Thanks to all of you who have complimented the new look. I have much work to do, and I'll be damned if I don't want an iced mocha right now. Hrmph.

Oh, and what is happening to my fellow bloggers? Dooce has checked herself into a psych ward, and Diablo is quitting her blog! No one else is allowed to go anywhere, damn it! What will I do at work? Actually WORK? Bah!

Oh the Agony

This was the magic week that I went to see a Naturopath. She talked with me for about an hour and a half. (What doctor does THAT anymore?) We figured out what was wrong with me. (I know, I know, that is quite a job.) After 2 Godforsaken hours of blood-giving, it turns out I have an intolerance to dairy, eggs, wheat and gluten. Who knew? I was very excited to discover that I didn't need to throw up all the time and play the guessing game "What will my bowels do today?". Then there are the headaches, ringing ears, hives and chronic fatigue - the list goes on and on. Then, it hit me. No more iced mochas, no more bread, no more egg-white omelets. I can't even have Whey protein shakes anymore - they have dairy! Mother of hell. (As quoted from Skwigg) I will be substituting all of those things with soy milk, gluten-free bread products and the like, but really, what a HUGE pain in the freakin' ass. Oh, and did I tell you about DETOXING? Yeah, it's fun folks, let me tell you. I took the day off work today because of it. I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today because I'm coming down off iced mochas."

Things that make you wanna hurl.

So, I was listening to the radio today driving into work and this caller comes on and tells us about her recent Starbucks incident. She ordered a latte, and when she took a sip, she felt this "chunk" of stuff in her mouth. She spit it out onto a napkin and IT WAS A BIG, FAT HAIRY SPIDER. OH. MY. GOD. She went on to say that she showed the spider clump to the barista, who in turn gave her "two weeks of free coffee". Um, I don't think so folks, Me? First, I would have hurled all over the joint. Then, I would have screamed and jumped around the store cussing. THEN, when they offered me the two weeks of coffee I would have said, "Yeah, like I ever want ANYTHING from here again! I'm suing for like, a gozillion dollars! Cuz you have to admit, that is much more traumatic and damaging then say, like, spilling hot coffee on yourself at McDonald's and getting 4 million dollars. Am I right, or am I right? God, I want to spew right now thinking about it. Gack!

I don't even know where to start.

Bad news: I'm on day #8 without a day off - have 6 more to go. Brain is mush. Got a headache. Neck hurts, shoulders hurt, eyes won't stay open. Need coffee. Need massage. Need chocolate. Painting STILL not done.

Good news: Going to quit one of my restaurant jobs today. The Italian one. The new owners scare me. I found out about them swearing at, and frightening a friend of mine that is a representative for "Entertainment". You know, the big book with all the restaurant and hotel coupons? (Buy one, get one free kind of thing.) They made her cry and now I want to make THEM cry. She is actually contemplating filing a police report. I hope she does.

New project: Going to write a book!! It will be called "CrazyDogMama Tails" or something like that. I am going to compile a bunch of my lunatic dog stories, add pictures, and put it together like a collection. I want to include cameo appearances from my fellow dogmamas (or papas) online if they are willing to and WANT to contribute. Take your funniest fuzbutt story, add a picture, and send it to me! I get the mula, you get the fame! :-D I have to put together some sort of "waiver" for you, but we'll worry about that later. This is a really fun little project, but I have no idea if it will ever get published. I may get no mula. They may just put me in the looney bin. (Even though I already live in one. Hehe.) Everyone who contributes will get a free copy of the finished product, published or not, and I will include a special thanks in the intro. I'll be working on this in my SPARE time. Ha!

Most exciting thing this weekend: Seeing "Exorcist: The Beginning" with my stepson. The movie was so-so, a little too "Hollywood" for me, but my stepson was absolutely hysterical. He is 12. He watched the first one a few months ago after begging his dad to let him, and it scared the crap out him. He wanted to see this one, so we went to a matinee on Saturday. The whole way through the movie he had his hands over his ears - not his eyes - his ears. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he STILL had his hands over his ears walking down the aisle. It took everything we had not to bust up! I could see other people in the theatre smiling too. He thought the movie was "SO COOL!" however he slept with the light on in his bedroom all night. It was worth it just to see the dramatics.

There were some interesting previews, "The Saw" and "Constantine". I'll be seeing those. I love previews.

A Few Tidbits

So, I come home last night to a husband who was trying to finish up the red paint. He spent most of the night cleaning up the red paint off the carpet. Yes, it looks like someone bled to death in my front room. Sigh.

I am a little weary thinking about the fact that I will be working all 7 days this week. I am dreaming of a day off. No, not a Cancun vacation, just a damn day off.

It will be our 10th Anniversary on the 27th and we are supposed to go to a beautiful place on the Olympic Peninsula called Crescent Lake. Jim wants to golf and take in the sights, and I'm like, "Does the room have a bed? A jacuzzi? Food? I want to sleep and eat."

Are you feeling sorry for me yet? That is the point of this post. I want some sympathy, damn it.

No more stinking pills.

I got up one morning last week and decided that I was not going to take any more damn pills. NONE. I am probably the most medicated person you know. But not anymore. Don't worry, I am seeing a Naturopath next week to make sure I won't die. I want to only do natural supplements from now on. I have been feeling quite bizarre lately and decided that all the medication in my body was finally deciding to rebel against me. Ironically, I feel much better this week. No more freaky sweating, dizziness or vomiting for no reason. Yay! :) I have thyroid issues that I'm convinced are caused by other medication I'm taking. I wouldn't be surprised if going all-natural cures all my ailments. I guess we'll find out. If I suddenly start sounding normal, please tell me.

Bath Time, Revisited

Have I mentioned before what an ordeal it is to give Louie and Maggie a bath? Holy Shit-O-Rama. They were stinky last night, so I decided to wash them. The first obstacle is getting them into the bathroom. You know, "the chase" because they know. Maggie peed in the hallway. Louie ran and hid. It took about 15 minutes for both Jim and I to get them in there. Then, there was dog fighting over who got to hide behind the toilet. I started with Lou. He is a doll during the washing, but when you get to the brushing and drying, it is much like you are ripping his limbs off slowly. He gets pissy when you brush his butt. VERY pissy. Then, there is Maggie. She is a TOTAL. FRIGGING. NIGHTMARE. the whole time. When I clipped her nails, she wailed so loudly that Louie jumped into the bathtub to seek cover. It was completely hilarious when he peeked around the shower curtain to make sure everyone was still alive. When it was over, the bathroom looked like WWIII, and I had dog hair in my nose, in my mouth and in my eyes. I was soaked from head to toe and sweating. Louie immediately peed on the floor for revenge. AND, for the finale, when I woke up this morning, Maggie had crapped in her crate and laid in it. I am not kidding. She hasn't done that since she was a puppy. I don't know what made her do that, but it will be bath time revisited tonight. Lucky me. No more Mrs. Nice CrazyDogMama.

I wanna be happy.

It seems like I have been pissed, grumpy and irritated for two weeks straight. I decided to look at some doggie pictures to cheer myself up. Hope it gives you a smile too.

"Daaaahhling, won't you fetch me a martini?



I love it when dogs lay with their back feet sticking out behind them!

All better now

OK, DH called and asked if "I was still mad at him". I said yes. He said he was sorry and wanted to make nice. Reluctantly, I said OK. But I'm not making dinner.

Big Fight

I went to bed mad. Not a good idea. My bad. I am so pissed at my DH that I could spit. I won't go into the details cuz that would be TMI, but you must know that Crazydogmama has daggers in her eyes today. I am stubborn, so is he. We don't fight that often - but we when we do - look out. We are in the kind of fight where I don't want to go home so that he will worry about me and comply with all my wishes and apologize endlessly. I won't actually do it, but I damn well thought about it. I also thought about taking the day off (without telling him) and going to Enchanted Village to ride roller coasters and eat lots of fattening food - dragging a co-worker along of course so I have somebody to vent to. Also not going to happen. Fuck, I'm pissed. I can't even think straight. I obviously can't write when I'm angry, either. Really, we should just talk it out. But I don't wanna. I wanna yell, scream and throw things. Maybe stomp my feet a little and cry.

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

OK, I'm not necessarily a big country music fan, but the new "Big and Rich" song is way fun! A little sexist, but fun. Very catchy.

I can't believe its August already. Next thing you know, they will be showing Christmas commercials, and I probably still won't be done with the frigging painting. Got a little farther this weekend but let me tell you how much of a pain in the ass painting "cranberry" is. It is probably going to take 4, count em', FOUR coats. Help me NOW. Geez. Went and saw the "Village" this weekend, and if you walked into my house, you would be saying, "My God, the BAD color, it attracts them!!" I liked the movie by the way, a typical twist-at-the-end Shyamalan movie. and that's all I have to say about that.

Update

Sorry for all the confusion you guys, it's the old Italian restaurant I work at with the new owners that is my problem, not the cute little French Bistro I just started working at. It's hard to keep all of my jobs straight, I know. Anyway, went down there, they are open. Got my $$. Yelled. They said they didn't have my phone number. LAME. I know they have my #, they've called me before.  I was a little crabby with them.  It could have been worse for them. Good thing I'm not on my period.

I'm pissed.

I got the night off last night. The sign was still up, and the door was locked. Someone DID change the date, though. Now it says open 7/29. Yeah, we'll see. Nice of them to fucking let me know, huh?  I work my day job just around the corner, so it wasn't that bad, but if I had driven in from my house AN HOUR AWAY, I would have thrown a major fit. I'm talking stomping feet and mega cussing here, people. I'm going to go over on my lunch break again and see what is going on. They may get a piece of my mind, but I really need all my pieces. Maybe I'll just throw a piece of my mind at them, then go pick it back up.

Closed for Maintenance

So, I go to the restaurant on my lunch break from my office job to pick up my tip-check. Two kitchen guys are sitting in front of the door waiting for someone to let them in. The restaurant opens at 11 am, and it is 11:15. Hmm. So, I go back at 11:40. There is a sign up (don't know if it was there before) that says: "Due too maintinence, we will be closed until 11am 7/28/04." with spelling mistakes and all. Another hmm. It IS 7/28/04, and it is after 11 am. Does someone not know what day it is, or is something wrong?  No one in the restaurant. No one answering the phone. I am supposed to work tonight, but I'm thinking I might get the night off. Weird, I tell you. No one notified me or told me anything, and I just worked on Monday!  I'm just shaking my head. Oh, and that reminds me, my headache is FINALLY fricking gone. I slept from 1:30 pm yesterday to 5 am this morning. Yep, that did it!  I'm hungry.

Grumpy

I'm grumpy, broke and have been getting a lot of headaches lately. My house will never again be organized (at least that is how it feels) and I'm working, like, 70 hours or something crazy like that this week. I'll write more later when I'm feeling human.

Me and my comments.

I took a co-worker friend out to lunch today for her belated birthday, and after gorging ourselves on buffalo burgers with gorgonzola cheese, we got in her nice clean car.  As she was backing up, she had to suddenly slam on her brakes because there was a steady stream of road-raged traffic behind us. The conversation went as such:

 
Her (in all seriousness): "Hey, you should go out there and stop traffic."

 
Me: "Yeah, I could so totally DO that!"

Long pause, then we both busted up into laughter.

A couple more things.

About the picture in the post below.  First, this is probably the only picture of me taken as a child with clothes on.  I was naked-child.  No matter where we were, or what we were doing, I was taking my clothes off and running around naked. Things haven't changed much; except I pretty much keep my nakedness at home because I have fat now. Everyone better hope I don't get all ripped and skinny.

Second, I wish my hair was still THAT. BLONDE.  I spend untold thousands on keeping my hair blonde.  Its maddening.

Third, HEY MOM - HOW COME THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN MY FREAKIN' EASTER BASKET???  HUH?  HUH?

I haven't painted all week. My house just remains a complete disaster that we have dug a maze through so we can move around.  There is a chair in the hallway that we haven't moved - we just squeeze past it.  How sad is that?

There are no words to describe how much I don't want to be at work today.  It is supposed to be in the 90's this weekend in Seattle, which means it will be in the 100's at my house.  I have no air conditioning.  I will be very grumpy.

Guess Who?

Yeah, its baby CrazyDogMama.  My mom likes to send me these photos over email.  Does it look like I'm holding my breath, or is it just me?  What a goofball.  

Need a good laugh?

I found a blog (Out of Character), and I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time. This statement alone made me choke on my spit:
 
"I paid $400.65 for a doggie door that The Jake won't use. Well, to be fair he'll use it if I hold it open. Which is something, I guess. Because that's what I had in mind when I wrote the check; a contraption that would cost fat cash, destroy my door, and not dissuade my dog from crapping in the dining room. Awesome."

Look who has comments!

Okay kids, play nice now.

I am one of those neat-freaks.

Recently inspired by Yogagirl's post of her newly organized bookshelf, I decided to post some pictures of what I do for FUN. I like to help people clean and organize their homes. I can't do the fancy stuff like on "Clean Sweep" (my favorite show), but my neighbors seem to worship me anyways. I work for rubber stamps. I clean, they give me rubber stamps for use in my scrapbooks. I really enjoy organizing other people's shit. I don't know why. I think I need to find a way to make money at this.
 
Here are some pics of some recent work I did (which is still in progress), for those of you who still aren't convinced I'm crazy.

Lou Story

Usually, Maggie sleeps in the bed with us and doesn't budge from her little spot no matter what. We try to get Louie to sleep on the bed also, but he is Mr. Grumpy and gets all flustered if a foot moves. He most always jumps down onto the floor beside the bed and sleeps there if our bedroom door is closed, or if it is open, he goes into his crate. Last night, we decided to crate them for bedtime because it was extremely humid, and we didn't need any extra fur in the bed. However, Jim forgot to lock Louie's crate when he sent him in there. Just as I was about to doze off, I hear a 'thud' and the bedroom door squeaking open.  Just before I had a heart attack, I heard the little tinkling of Louie's collar. (A dogmama can always identify dogs by the sound of their collar.) He curled up next to my side of the bed and went to sleep. I was so happy! I thought he only did that when we forced him! He actually likes sleeping in the same room with us! What do you know! CrazyDogMama went to sleep with a smile on her face, feeling loved. It's the little things.

Wanna get freaked out?

As I've said before, you have to take everything you read on the internet with a grain of salt, BUT, what if it has some amount of truth to it? I've researched a little on "official" government websites, and there just may be a reason to be concerned about some things.

You may be wondering if I've lost my mind completely. Well, maybe, but over the last 4 months or so I've been experiencing a "feeling" I can't explain and have never felt before. It is sort of an unsettling feeling that something big is imminent. What I mean by "big" is, possible earth changes or social unrest/war escalation. You might think it is just because of the war in Iraq, etc., but truly, it has nothing to do with that. It's weird dreams, weird feelings and a general feeling that something is wrong. It is driving me batshit, actually. I've never been interested in this kind of information before, and I can't explain the way I feel. My husband keeps rolling his eyes at me and says I watch too many silly movies. I feel like an idiot about it, but I can't help it. It's a really STRONG feeling. I am not scared at all, I don't get that way, but it definitely makes me want to be in the know.

On a positive note, it looks like we might actually get the painting done by the weekend! Woohoo!

Miss Me?

I have avoided my computer for a whole week. This hasn't happened in like, EVER. Usually when I'm on vacation my husband has to pry me away from uninterrupted internet time. Not this time. I got this wild hair up my ass to PAINT THE INSIDE OF MY HOUSE. Somebody needed to warn me that this is quite possibly the STUPIDEST FUCKING THING TO DO ON VACATION. I have never cussed as much as I cussed last week....and we aren't even finished yet! I have rounded corners and texture. Making a straight line is harder than Chinese arithmetic. The dogs have been hiding from me, which is probably a good thing because little doggie nose-prints in the paint would probably not be as cute and funny as it would normally be. Everything in my house is in the middle of the living room. It smells like paint and dust. I didn't realize how much cleaning is involved when you paint. It is quite possible that I have ruined my nails. FOREVER. Eating take-out every night because your kitchen looks like WWIII, gets old quick. My knees will never recover, and I can't wear shorts because of the severe bruising. It (of course) is going to be 80+ degrees today. My neck hurts. If anyone comes into my house and says "you missed a spot" I will probably kill them. Dead. I will post before and after pics if we EVER finish.

Other than that, we had a fun little 4th of July bash. We barbecued with friends and family, drank, and did the pyromania thing. Jim had not shot off fireworks for about 10 years, and so, it was quite terrifying. A tip: When you light off mortars, unravel the fuse completely. Jim did not do this. He put the ball in the tube, lit it, and then BOOM! Shrapnel EVERYWHERE, in EVERY DIRECTION. He completely destroyed the tube. There was screaming, then silence. Then laughing. Someone said, "I think you did that wrong." DERRRRRR. Have another beer, honey. No one was hurt, but we won't live that one down for sure.

MAG-ATTACK!

The dogs are really funny when they play in the back yard. Maggie will huddle like a cheetah getting ready to attack, then BOOM! She surprise-plows Louie. He freaks out EVERY time. The fireworks have started here, and Maggie is on the bark-and-run-around-like-a-freak routine already. She is such a little spazoid.