The Quiche Controversy

This weekend, I tried to make a Quiche without eggs, without wheat, without gluten and without dairy. I know, I know, most people would be like "eat something else, dipshit". But not me. Let's see, it went something like this:

-Buy gluten-free, wheat-free pie crust mix.

 
-Buy "culinary egg substitute".

 
-Try to find some kind of cheese that is not actually cheese.

 
-Chop up a bunch of vegetables - especially things like jalapeños, so that I won't be able to taste the other stuff.

 
-Make dough. This could be a book in and of itself. I am not a chef. I am barely a cook. After attempting to make this mother-fucking dough, I am considering myself a failure at life itself. I start mixing the ingredients. I realize I am missing 2 important ingredients. Derrr, I can read, Derrr. Send husband out for missing ingredients. Resume mixing all ingredients. Read in directions that dough needs to be chilled for an hour before rolling begins. Think to myself "fuck that, I'm hungry now". Forget doing that part of the directions. Start rolling dough. Cuss a lot because I don't have a rolling pin. Big Derr. Go borrow rolling pin from neighbor. Begin rolling dough. Cuss some more and almost start crying because dough is sticking the rolling pin. Call neighbor and ask why her rolling pin doesn't work. She tells me to use flour on the rolling pin, and that will help with the sticking. I start to use flour. I then start throwing things around the kitchen (while actually crying and wondering why I went off my anti-anxiety medicine) realizing that the whole reason why I bought the gluten-free, wheat-free mix in the first place was because I CAN'T HAVE REGULAR FLOUR. The purpose of the recipe is now moot due to use of regular flour. I continue anyway because my stomach hurts from not eating anything. I can't get the dough to roll correctly. I go back to the directions and read that I am supposed to be rolling the dough between two pieces of saran wrap, not wax paper. I cannot get dough off wax paper without destroying it. Destroy dough and roll into ball again. Decide to just "mush" dough-ball into pie pan with fingers. Satisfied after wanting to commit murder. Dogs are hiding. Pour all of the other shit in the middle and throw in oven for an hour. Eat it. Make husband eat it. Not bad, but husband gave me a "B+". I asked, "Why not an A?" Husband says, "It was lacking presentation". I can live with that.