My disillusioned look.

On a good note, I have been enjoying work the last few days, and having some fun. People are loosening up a bit and engaging my humor and playfulness.

Disillusioned

dis·il·lu·sion (noun.)

To free or deprive of illusion.
1. The act of disenchanting.
2. The condition or fact of being disenchanted.

disillusioned (adjective.)
Disappointed at finding out reality does not match one's ideals.

Yeah, this describes how I'm feeling. Especially the adjective definition. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why would I expect that any of my ideals existed? You can fall in love with an ideal, but don't be fooled. I'm angry. I am not directly involved, at least not anymore, but I'm sickened by some behavior I've run across. It seems some people can so easily bash and slander, yet they cannot or will not acknowledge what is in their own heart. Maybe hate is what is really in their heart. Let me give some advice for what it's worth. Fill your life with compliments and truth and wear your heart on your sleeve. Be transparent. Yeah, sometimes you get clobbered, but some of life's best and most important moments will more likely fill your heart that way. You will be able to say what you want to say without regret, you can put yourself out there and find what you're looking for. Does it always work? No. But if it doesn't, then it wasn't worth it anyway. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes death. Death to the soul. It's not too late. Start now. You might be surprised at what awaits you.

Smoke and Mirrors

Oops. Only meant to delete one post, not three. LOL. I get a little click happy sometimes. Now I guess I'll have to post some new stuff. The internet is such a fascinating place, isn't it? Sometimes people aren't as smart as they think they are. Smoke and mirrors.

Citrus Shrimp Salad

Went out for dinner tonight. (Don't worry, my broke didn't pay.) This is the citrus shrimp salad I ordered. I think I'm a shrimpaholic. It was crazy good.

Story

I was reminded of a story this morning, it's kind of gross, but funny. I guess I will call it "Karma".

Once upon a time I was dating this idiot. He worked at a pizza place at the time. I had gone in to see him with my friends while he was working, and he offered to make me a personal pizza. I said sure, of course. He decided that hiding about 50 EXPIRED anchovies (the large ones that look like eels and taste like death) under my cheese would be funny. I took a huge bite, then abruptly puked all over the table. HAHA. Have fun cleaning up the puke, DILHOLE. I left. We stopped dating. :-) I can take a prank, but don't mess with my food.

Random photos.

Random photos. Me trying to stay awake at work, beloved traffic, Lou in my face wanting attention, my new blue ruffly blouse, and a sheepish grin for whoever knows what reason.

Severance Gone

I'm trying not to stress because it does no good whatsoever, but my severance package perks are running out at the end of this month, which means I'm going to have no insurance unless I go on the Cobra plan which is INSANELY expensive. To cover myself on medical, it is $421 a month! Shit! I'm still on contract where I'm at so there are no benefits. Time to start living on Top Ramen.

The answer to my weight problem?

IF ONLY. Hee.

Anguish and Chocolate

Every now and then I wake from the most disturbing dreams. I actually wake up crying and physically distraught. This has happened all my life. They aren't your horror-movie type dreams, but realistic life situation dreams that upset me terribly. A few have actually come to pass, which is why I think I get so rattled. Last night I had such a dream. It took me a good half an hour to calm down. Even when I wake up and realize it wasn't real, my body still keeps reacting from the trauma for a while because it felt so real in the dream. It is terrible. I'm fine now, but it stays on my mind throughout the day. Thank God it doesn't happen very often. I'm trying to concentrate on happy things right now, or things that would MAKE me happy. It helps. I feel exhausted. I would tell you about the dream, but it really isn't something you want to read about. Truly.

It is rainy and dark and gloomy today, but at least it isn't blizzarding or flooding. I am solemn and quiet and just trying to get my work done so I can go home. I did buy one more cookbook. Just ONE, last night. For 5 bucks. But it was an important one. Perhaps I will make something from in there tonight.

My Evening

Well the evening was successful, I received $85 for all my junk! That was way more than I was expecting! Yay! Grabbed dinner at the Mongolian Grill (Yum!) and went promptly home to watch 24. Maggie enjoyed the show as well, from the back of the couch. Isn't she cute? My fortune cookie wasn't about the love this time, but apparently, I will be traveling to a faraway place that has been in my thoughts! Bahamas here I come! Woo! LOL.

It is official. I can never be President.

I took a nice long shower and feel much better. No more drowning my boredom in oatmeal orgasm pies. I'm going to go sell my stuff now and hopefully make enough to grab a bite. This is my excitement for the weekend. I don't know WTF with the pictures.

Oh, here's something. It is official. I can never be President. They do not let the President have a Blackberry. (Safety reasons.) Mr. Obama is freaking out according to the news because he is an addict too. I'd probably say something like fuck it, I'm the President, the rules are changing, screw safety.

Decluttering

Going through CDs, books and movies to sell, and listening to "My Sharona", which I'm keeping because it rocks. Getting rid of a ton of stuff and it feels good to purge. I have two huge bins of crap. It is amazing how much stuff you accumulate. Forgot I even had some of it. The rule is, if you haven't used it in the last year, it goes. Next, I'm going through my closet of clothes. Yikes.

Jack's Back!

I love me some Jack. "24" did not air last year with the stupid strike, so I have been Jack-less for a year! The two-hour season premiere is Sunday night. Woohoo! I also love Tony. Tony is almost as good as Jack. Thank God I have "24" and "Lost" coming back because I really, really miss True Blood. By the way, I'm liking Sam better than Bill now. I think. There are very few things I watch anymore on TV, it all pretty much sucks, except the aforementioned shows. I still like a couple of sitcoms, but I am so disappointed in most everything that has come out. I am looking forward to some ass-kicking. 

I've been hobbling around all night with my back, and I also hurt my foot. I am such a mess. I don't really want to go to bed because I know it will make my back worse, but I have nothing to do. Well, nothing I want to do. I'm trying to refrain from eating anymore frigging oatmeal pies. I have already consumed enough. ENOUGH. I think I'll have just one more. Damnit! I need a new hobby.

My back huuuurts.

That was my best whine. I don't really know what I did, but my best guess is I need a new mattress. I start off sleeping on my side, but I always end up on my stomach. When you have a big chest, and you sleep on your stomach, your back bows (arches) in the wrong direction and you wake up sore. I need one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. Can you imagine the imprint I would leave, though? LOL.  Ouch, it hurts to laugh.

There are addictive chemicals in these.

OK, I am putting together a workout program and buying lots of vegetables and green tea, but every now and then I need a treat. However, if I had to pick one food only for a deserted island, I'm now certain it would be Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies. OH. MY. GOD. They are ooey and gooey and I want to roll in them much like you see people rolling in piles of money on TV. I will roll in oatmeal pies, but I want money handed to me in neat piles, all bills facing the same direction. Thanks! ;-)

Classic CrazyDogMama Look

Went out last night (for dinner) but not sure about my weekend plans yet. I have to work late because the crazy flooding left only one way out of town for me, which resulted in gridlock this morning. It made me super happy and accelerated my good mood. Can you tell? This is like, my classic look. All the time.

All About Me

I have to have leather seats in my car, not because I'm snooty or because it smells good, but because when I get into the car, my underwear doesn't slide sideways into the crack of my butt.

The single most important feature in a house for me is nice, new, GOOD carpeting.

I drink milk with everything.

I love a good thunder and lightning storm!

Everything on my desk at work has to be angled in the same direction.

If someone has a zit, I beg them to let me pop it. I love puss. They are usually uncooperative.

I cannot keep a plant alive to save my life.

I will not wear a turtleneck. Ever.

I HATE clutter, but it doesn't bother me if other people have it.

I hate dusting.

The only kind of olive I will eat is a Kalamata, and the only mushroom I like is a shitake.

If I can, I pay bills the same day they come in the mail.

I will mostly talk about anything, but there are a few things I don't like to talk about at all with anyone.

I can figure out almost ANYTHING on a computer (eventually), but I have trouble putting a box together.

I fell in the shower once and got a concussion.

Something is wrong.

I have been really tired lately. I get home from work and collapse before 9, and sometimes as soon as I get home at 4:30. I'm getting 8 hours of sleep or more and am still tired the next day. I don't recall tossing and turning. I haven't had any alcohol or sleeping pills lately. My anxiety is up, which is all I can think of. I still get dry heaves with my anxiety. WTF? I have been to 3 specialists, and they can't find anything physically wrong with me, except that I get anxiety, which is no surprise with everything that has gone on and is going on with my life. I have temporary anxiety meds, but I've been taking them awhile and this tired thing is new. It is impossible for me to be pregnant. Am I losing it? Is it just stress? Is it depression? I'm trying to just put things in the past and move forward, but maybe I have lived with it for so long I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know. Somebody take me to the Bahamas, will you? Shit.

These are cracking me the hell up.

Pens are useful.

I spent 20 bucks buying some pretty hair sticks, and what do I end up doing? Using a ball point pen from work.