My Story, Chapter 1, Part 1

She could feel the heat on her eyelids. The sun was just starting to shine through the sheer white curtains. Sarah rolled away from the bright light and leaned forward. The room was humid and sticky, and as she remembered where she was, a brief moment of panic struck her chest. Her heart palpitated and fluttered. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes. With her hand slightly shaking, she slid some of her hair behind her ear; leaving the other side hanging as she stared down at the dirty beige carpet. The panic slowly faded and her thoughts were diverted to him. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the memory of his hands lightly touching her shoulders from behind, and so softly, almost barely, kissing the back of her neck. Even in the memory she shivered.

Sarah opened her eyes and quickly jumped up from the hotel bed not wanting to think about it anymore. He was gone and she had to keep moving. That was the way it had to be.

In the small bathroom mirror Sarah looked at herself. One of the straps from her white camisole fell to the side from the top of her shoulder. It was in great need of washing. Her long, dark brown, layered hair hung in front of her face and deep, dark circles invaded what were once her bright, vivacious eyes.

Homemade Iced Mocha

I'm making a homemade "Coffee Bean" iced mocha this morning, with chocolate & espresso beans that I purchased online. If I can't be in California, I'll have it shipped to me.  Not only does it taste awesome, but it is going to save me a buttload of money! That way I can buy other things.

I feel strange emotionally this morning, like anxious or expectant. Can't put my finger on it exactly. I know I'm bizarre, I just have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not a bad feeling necessarily, just a weird one.

Womanly Bargains

I feel like a girl today! No, scratch that, I feel like a WOMAN. Before you scold me for spending more money on myself, check out the DEALS I got! The purse (which I love, so shut up about the leopard print, I have only had a black leather purse for about 15 years and now I'm embracing my wild side) was regularly $40, and was marked down to $15, and the Sketchers (shoes) were regularly $55, and I got them for $20! Aren't they cute? Super comfortable, too.

I'm actually twirling! I want to kiss everyone! Not a good idea, but still. Now I need a night out on the town. Juice? Did you say something about $3 tini nights?

Oh! I almost forgot, my "Coffee Bean" espresso and chocolate powder came today in the mail, too! I think there's only like one thing missing from me being in utter orgasmic bliss!

Freshly showered and caffeinated.

I actually fell back asleep and had a *good* dream, this time. Much better.

The dogs were throwing a fit when I locked them up this morning. Holy GOD. I have to scream at the top of my lungs to get their attention. Which I'm sure the neighbors appreciate at 6 am.

Night Terrors

Just woke up from some terrible dreams. I used to think only kids dealt with that, boy was I wrong. It is horrible waking up in the middle of the night like this, feeling like this. Anyway, for anyone out there going through night terrors, I feel your pain.

On a side note, I let the dogs out to go potty while I was up, and I caught Louie licking the BBQ utensils. Nice. Eww.

Not the same.

It's not quite the same as lounging by the pool in California, but it's all I've got. What should I eat? What sounds good?

Lazy Relaxing

OK, there is a fine line between relaxing and lazy. Maybe I should just call it lazy relaxing. I do it well. I'm lying in the sun today while the weather is still nice, and I can hear all my neighbors mowing their lawns and tending to their outside duties. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher yet. I really need to organize my office, too, and my filing cabinet is busting at the seams with old papers, bills, etc. I need to invest in a shredder. But the sun is out, and I don't want to waste this precious time.

I watered my plants. There, I did something. Now I'm going to hose myself off, because I'm a little too warm. Hopefully no one is watching.

Big Efforts

I am making a big effort to do more nothing. More "Me" time. I'm splurging on another small glass of cognac and just lit my new outdoor candle. It's funky, I'm digging it. I'm thinking about doing some reading while the dogs are curled up next to me. I'm sick of just wasting my nights on crappy TV.

While out shopping the other day I ran across a really cool CD. It's called "Cabernet, Jazz from the Wine Bar". I listened to some samples and loved it. It is mellow, yet catchy and soothing. I'm changing in my old age, it is strange. Anyway, I think I'm going to play it to complete the ambiance I've got going on over here.

Herbs & Geraniums

On the more boring side of my life, here is a picture of my Dill & Cilantro herb pot that is now out of control in just 4 weeks (from seeds), and my beautiful Geraniums. (Thanks Mrs. A!)

I didn't end up going to bed until about 4:30 am this morning, then I got this really excited call from my mom at 9 am, exclaiming news about some upcoming sale. LOL! So much for sleeping in.

What I Want

Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*

I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.

I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.

I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.

I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.

The Dance of Anger

The evening was nice with mom. We ate Mexican food and then did a little girl shopping, something I've only started doing of late. I think I've bought more stuff for myself in the last few months than I have in YEARS. I need to chill, though, I'm running low on funds and starting to stress out. In the grand scheme of things, it has only been about $100 worth of stuff in a few months, but I still feel guilty for spending money on myself when I'm struggling financially.

These are my new chili pepper lights, which are cool as hell, but a total unnecessary purchase. Little things make me happy though. Then there is my necessary purchase to deal with my anger issues, as recommended reading from my therapist, "The Dance of Anger".

I'm just kicking back now relaxing, trying to decide whether to go to bed or not.

Annoying My Mother

Friday. Thank you!

Going to party with my mama tonight. Dinner and shopping. I did a quick tan at lunch and had the best teriyaki EVER. That's the picture, along with my new indoor tanning lotion (I know, I know) and me sniffing it because it smells so good. I'll post more later when it is not annoying my mother, like it is right now. 

Maybe

This was sent to me today and it really touched me. I didn't find it cheesy, but thought provoking. Thought I would share.

MAYBE...

 Maybe . . . 
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . .
when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . .
it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . .
the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . .
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .
you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe . . .
there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . .
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . . 
you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . .
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . .
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . .
happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . .
you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . .
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . .
you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

The stuff I've been buying.

Remember the black "swim dress" I ordered? Well, I ordered the size I usually order just before vacation, and when it came, it was really big on me, but did fit, so I took it with me. When I tried to swim in it, it was funny because it was just falling off of me all over the place. This made me happy knowing I had lost weight. When I got back home, I decided to send it back and get a smaller size. I figured the next size down, or maybe 2 sizes down would be perfect, but they discontinued the item in those sizes and my only choice was 4 sizes smaller. I almost didn't do it, but I went ahead and made the exchange thinking that it would just motivate me to lose more weight, and summer was over with for this year anyway. Well, the new smaller swim dress arrived the other day and it took me two days to open it and try it on. I was prepared to laugh at myself, then cry. BIG SURPRISE, IT FIT! OMG. I can't believe it. I am 4 sizes smaller. Who knew? Especially after all the steak and shrimp I've been eating.

So, I am a little giddy about that. I don't feel like I've lost 4 sizes, but I'm not arguing. Now I want to shop for MORE clothes. My mom told me last night that she really wants me to concentrate on "me" right now. I don't want to disobey my MOM, now do I? LOL!  I did order my "fiesta tropical chili pepper lights" and some "Coffee Bean" espresso online, but that didn't cost very much at all. I'm going to have to save up for more clothes.

On a different note, I have something on my mind that I can't talk to anyone on the planet about. Which sucks. It is not good nor bad. It is just for me only. OK, I talk to God about it, but no one else. It is perplexing and can evoke emotion, yet it is not tangible or predictable. (OK, that was random.)

Last on the list here is that the book "The Shack" I told you I was listening to; well, it is really good so far. I actually went and picked up a copy of the book itself, and when I went to pay for it in the Costco line, it created quite the discussion. First, the clerk helping people unload their carts remarked immediately exclaiming, "That is the best book I've ever read!", then the woman behind me said something similar, and all of a sudden there was about 15 people talking about how this book changed the way they lived their lives. DANG. I'm not even close to finishing it yet, but I can't wait to see what the commotion is about. I'll keep you posted. So far, I am very intrigued by it. Many people call it a "Christian" book or a religious novel, but I really wouldn't say that so far. I think no matter what you do or don't believe, this story may have an effect on you. Just a hunch.

Coffee, Dreams & Book Ideas

Coffee, I need COFFEE.

With the bizarre dreams I've been having, I've almost come up with an idea for a book. My dreams lately have had PLOTS. Is that weird?

No headache and no kidney pain this morning, only the pain of the commute.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better now, but I slept most of the day, so now I'm wide awake.

The doctor said my recent headaches were most likely either a hormonal imbalance or barometric pressure changes from our sporadic weather. I guess some other people in the area have been experiencing the same problems. She is not worried about my kidneys either because I recently had a CT scan and an ultrasound that showed no abnormalities, and if it was a kidney infection, Aleve would not have helped the pain much. The pain I did have was probably "cramps" disguised as kidney pain. So, whew!

My mom (bless her heart) drove all the way up here and brought me dinner and kept me company for the evening. I kept her up so late that I made her spend the night.

All is well and I'll be back to the salt mines tomorrow. Goodnight.  I hope!

Unexplained Pain

I stayed home from work today. I'm in pain. I'm battling one of my headaches and have unexplained kidney pain. I don't think it is kidney stones, it is more of a dull ache, rather than an intense, crazy pain that makes you roll on the floor in agony. You DON'T want kidney stones, OMG.

I hardly EVER take sick days, because I just sit around sick and worrying about my job like a freak. It is beautiful outside of course and I'm chewing ibuprofen and lying on the heating pad.

I have no one to whine to except the internet right now, so deal with it.

Possible Coffee Stand Names

If I move to Texas: "CrazyDogMama's Coffee Corral"
If I move to California: "CrazyDogMama's Bean and Beach"

If I stay in Washington: "CrazyDogMama's Candlelight Coffee Cozy"

Brainstorming here. I wanted to get in on one of the "Coffee Bean" franchises that I liked so much in California, but they don't sell individual franchises. Fuckers. You have to buy a minimum of 9. Well, I'll just have to pay off the Lamborghini first. HA.

If I stay in WA, I may have to just write because coffee stands are about every 3 feet here. Seriously. There is no point. It is getting close to that scenario in California, but the baristas there still don't understand the art of coffee making like us Seattleites do, so I think I could capitalize. I have a great chocolate sauce recipe that I could use for mochas, you see, and people will go nuts for it! I know it! What would I write? Don't know. How to go insane in 9 months?

Sleeping Fuzzy & Bizarre Dreams

I hate it when I wake up just before my alarm goes off. Gah! Let me tell you, I have some BIZARRE freaking dreams. I have NO IDEA where I get this stuff. I'm not going to post details about this one but trust me when I tell you it was a doozy.

So, what do you do when you have 20 minutes left to lay in bed, but you can't fall back asleep? You blog and take a pic of a sleeping fuzzy.

Food, Drink & Yoda Ears

When you don't know what to blog about, post pics of food, drink and doggies.

This is BBQ chicken marinated in Jack Daniels and other good stuff, me holding a glass of Remy Martin, and cute Lou sleeping at my feet. I love it when his ears droop to the sides and he looks like Yoda. Cracks me up.