What I Want

Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*

I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.

I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.

I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.

I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.

The Dance of Anger

The evening was nice with mom. We ate Mexican food and then did a little girl shopping, something I've only started doing of late. I think I've bought more stuff for myself in the last few months than I have in YEARS. I need to chill, though, I'm running low on funds and starting to stress out. In the grand scheme of things, it has only been about $100 worth of stuff in a few months, but I still feel guilty for spending money on myself when I'm struggling financially.

These are my new chili pepper lights, which are cool as hell, but a total unnecessary purchase. Little things make me happy though. Then there is my necessary purchase to deal with my anger issues, as recommended reading from my therapist, "The Dance of Anger".

I'm just kicking back now relaxing, trying to decide whether to go to bed or not.

Annoying My Mother

Friday. Thank you!

Going to party with my mama tonight. Dinner and shopping. I did a quick tan at lunch and had the best teriyaki EVER. That's the picture, along with my new indoor tanning lotion (I know, I know) and me sniffing it because it smells so good. I'll post more later when it is not annoying my mother, like it is right now. 

Maybe

This was sent to me today and it really touched me. I didn't find it cheesy, but thought provoking. Thought I would share.

MAYBE...

 Maybe . . . 
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . .
when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . .
it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . .
the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . .
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .
you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe . . .
there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . .
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . . 
you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . .
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . .
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . .
happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . .
you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . .
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . .
you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

The stuff I've been buying.

Remember the black "swim dress" I ordered? Well, I ordered the size I usually order just before vacation, and when it came, it was really big on me, but did fit, so I took it with me. When I tried to swim in it, it was funny because it was just falling off of me all over the place. This made me happy knowing I had lost weight. When I got back home, I decided to send it back and get a smaller size. I figured the next size down, or maybe 2 sizes down would be perfect, but they discontinued the item in those sizes and my only choice was 4 sizes smaller. I almost didn't do it, but I went ahead and made the exchange thinking that it would just motivate me to lose more weight, and summer was over with for this year anyway. Well, the new smaller swim dress arrived the other day and it took me two days to open it and try it on. I was prepared to laugh at myself, then cry. BIG SURPRISE, IT FIT! OMG. I can't believe it. I am 4 sizes smaller. Who knew? Especially after all the steak and shrimp I've been eating.

So, I am a little giddy about that. I don't feel like I've lost 4 sizes, but I'm not arguing. Now I want to shop for MORE clothes. My mom told me last night that she really wants me to concentrate on "me" right now. I don't want to disobey my MOM, now do I? LOL!  I did order my "fiesta tropical chili pepper lights" and some "Coffee Bean" espresso online, but that didn't cost very much at all. I'm going to have to save up for more clothes.

On a different note, I have something on my mind that I can't talk to anyone on the planet about. Which sucks. It is not good nor bad. It is just for me only. OK, I talk to God about it, but no one else. It is perplexing and can evoke emotion, yet it is not tangible or predictable. (OK, that was random.)

Last on the list here is that the book "The Shack" I told you I was listening to; well, it is really good so far. I actually went and picked up a copy of the book itself, and when I went to pay for it in the Costco line, it created quite the discussion. First, the clerk helping people unload their carts remarked immediately exclaiming, "That is the best book I've ever read!", then the woman behind me said something similar, and all of a sudden there was about 15 people talking about how this book changed the way they lived their lives. DANG. I'm not even close to finishing it yet, but I can't wait to see what the commotion is about. I'll keep you posted. So far, I am very intrigued by it. Many people call it a "Christian" book or a religious novel, but I really wouldn't say that so far. I think no matter what you do or don't believe, this story may have an effect on you. Just a hunch.

Coffee, Dreams & Book Ideas

Coffee, I need COFFEE.

With the bizarre dreams I've been having, I've almost come up with an idea for a book. My dreams lately have had PLOTS. Is that weird?

No headache and no kidney pain this morning, only the pain of the commute.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better now, but I slept most of the day, so now I'm wide awake.

The doctor said my recent headaches were most likely either a hormonal imbalance or barometric pressure changes from our sporadic weather. I guess some other people in the area have been experiencing the same problems. She is not worried about my kidneys either because I recently had a CT scan and an ultrasound that showed no abnormalities, and if it was a kidney infection, Aleve would not have helped the pain much. The pain I did have was probably "cramps" disguised as kidney pain. So, whew!

My mom (bless her heart) drove all the way up here and brought me dinner and kept me company for the evening. I kept her up so late that I made her spend the night.

All is well and I'll be back to the salt mines tomorrow. Goodnight.  I hope!

Unexplained Pain

I stayed home from work today. I'm in pain. I'm battling one of my headaches and have unexplained kidney pain. I don't think it is kidney stones, it is more of a dull ache, rather than an intense, crazy pain that makes you roll on the floor in agony. You DON'T want kidney stones, OMG.

I hardly EVER take sick days, because I just sit around sick and worrying about my job like a freak. It is beautiful outside of course and I'm chewing ibuprofen and lying on the heating pad.

I have no one to whine to except the internet right now, so deal with it.

Possible Coffee Stand Names

If I move to Texas: "CrazyDogMama's Coffee Corral"
If I move to California: "CrazyDogMama's Bean and Beach"

If I stay in Washington: "CrazyDogMama's Candlelight Coffee Cozy"

Brainstorming here. I wanted to get in on one of the "Coffee Bean" franchises that I liked so much in California, but they don't sell individual franchises. Fuckers. You have to buy a minimum of 9. Well, I'll just have to pay off the Lamborghini first. HA.

If I stay in WA, I may have to just write because coffee stands are about every 3 feet here. Seriously. There is no point. It is getting close to that scenario in California, but the baristas there still don't understand the art of coffee making like us Seattleites do, so I think I could capitalize. I have a great chocolate sauce recipe that I could use for mochas, you see, and people will go nuts for it! I know it! What would I write? Don't know. How to go insane in 9 months?

Sleeping Fuzzy & Bizarre Dreams

I hate it when I wake up just before my alarm goes off. Gah! Let me tell you, I have some BIZARRE freaking dreams. I have NO IDEA where I get this stuff. I'm not going to post details about this one but trust me when I tell you it was a doozy.

So, what do you do when you have 20 minutes left to lay in bed, but you can't fall back asleep? You blog and take a pic of a sleeping fuzzy.

Food, Drink & Yoda Ears

When you don't know what to blog about, post pics of food, drink and doggies.

This is BBQ chicken marinated in Jack Daniels and other good stuff, me holding a glass of Remy Martin, and cute Lou sleeping at my feet. I love it when his ears droop to the sides and he looks like Yoda. Cracks me up.

The Governor of Texas is Kinda Hot

I'm poopy today. Depressed. Something new for me. I'm curled up in a little ball trying to keep warm with the Crackberry. Even going tanning, my tan is fading and I'm looking less and less like a California girl. Back to looking like I live in a Batcave. I just ate a whole bunch of cookies. Not good. Shit.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. There are many ways I could go. Some doors get slammed in your face (especially me) but there are other doors opening? Maybe? Maybe Texas is where I'm supposed to go? I don't know anyone there. Talk about scary. Facing a new world like that. But it could be really, really good. I thought about what kind of work I would enjoy. I want to be my own boss. I don't want anyone telling me when I can and can't blog. LOL. I actually thought about something interesting. Owning my own coffee stand. I would be good at it, and, well, you know how I feel about coffee. Then once that was running smoothly, I could write.

Just getting some thoughts out. Sidenote, I just noticed the Governor of Texas is kinda hot. Hehe.

The News

Got up at 3 am (why fight it?) and have been watching hurricane coverage. What's even more interesting is the little news ticker at the bottom of the page, and the comments Russia is making to us about our involvement in Georgia. Anyway, I'm going to lay back down and try to get some rest.

Rain, Thunder & Plan B

Sitting on my patio in the rain listening to thunder thinking about my anger issues. That's what I'm doing. LOL. I finally bought a book my therapist has been trying to get me to read forever to deal with my repressed anger. It hasn't arrived yet, but it's weird, I never really thought I was angry, I thought I was sad. It is always interesting to get an unbiased opinion from someone who has been listening to your BS.

In other news, it looks like Plan B is going to go into effect, my mom isn't going to budge on the California house. Do you think I'll make a good cowgirl y'all? Yeehaw! I do look rather cool in a cowboy hat. HA. They do have awesome storms there to watch, which excites me. Oh, and also, pray for the people about to get bashed by Gustav. It sounds like it's going to be just terrible.

Early Sunday

I am up at 4:30 am on a Sunday. This is completely and utterly WRONG. What is wrong with me? Thank the Lord for the internet. It is so quiet right now; all I can hear is the fountain in my backyard.

Scratch that, serenity over, frigging dogs are barking. Idiots. I woke them up, and mama doesn't get up this early, it must be the boogie man, so time to bark. ARG. I have no idea what to do today. Maybe I'll just make it a relax day since I've been running chaotic this week. Yeah! That's what I'll do! Nothing! Problem solved.

I'll leave a candle burning for you.

There has been much loss in my life. Not just the death of family members, but other things in my life that I cannot discuss here. There has also been a loss of myself, in some ways. I'm leaving a candle burning for hope. I'm leaving a light on in the darkness to show the way; my own little light that hasn't quite completely burned out yet. I'll leave a candle burning for you, too.

A Surf & Turf Feast!

I'm feeling better now and ready for a feast! Here's my scampi and steak. I make the scampi with lemon, crushed garlic, butter, pepper and parmesan. Easy!

I did a little cleaning and FINALLY unpacked my suitcase. LOL. I've been a little unmotivated. Just a tad. I never used to be this way, I used to be on the ball about everything. Guess I just have a bad attitude anymore. Oh well.

Migraine Hell

It has been an especially lovely morning. I woke up with a migraine from HELL. I don't get them often, but when I do, they make me sick to my stomach and I can't see. I am just now getting over it and finally have an appetite. I didn't get home until 9:30 pm last night, so cooking my nice meal was just not happening that late. I'll be having steak and scampi tonight! Yay! I love me some good food. My mom is coming over, so I know she will like that.

I'm still in the doghouse for those of you who have been asking. I'll write more later, gotta straighten up the house for company.

My life told in cell phone pics.

The pictures tell the tale of my errands and my life. Grab some popcorn.

First, we have angry CrazyDogMama. Why is she angry? Well, some people are deliberately mean, and I don't like that. The picture kind of makes me giggle though, I look like I want to knife someone.

Second is how close I got to park in front of Costco. That is unprecedented for me and cured the anger for about 45 seconds.

Third, I bought my first "book on CD" because I haven't had time to read, but I sure do drive a lot. This book "The Shack" came very highly recommended to me by several people.

There you have it. I actually am doing a late dinner tonight and I may take a pic. Just so you know.

Ready for the Weekend

I can't tell you how much GLEE I have now that this sucky week is over. Gah. I was the very last one to leave work today. Everyone left early, wasn't that nice of them? HA. Shit rolls downhill as you know.

Anyway, off to get my broken nail fixed, run some errands and fight the start of holiday weekend traffic. Sound like fun? Is anyone doing anything fun this weekend? I'll be cleaning. Joy.