Never give up.

I'm beat. Relaxing at my mom's house for a few minutes after picking her up from the airport and badgering her about the house. I'm not giving up!

"Plan A" and "Plan B"

So, remember I told you about needing a big change in my life, or I will go insane? Here are the ideas. "Plan A" is moving into my grandparent's house in Cali (sort of an early inheritance) instead of selling it, as long as my mom approves, which I don't know if she does yet. This is my first choice because I'd love to keep the home in the family (I grew up there), I love the pool and the area, it's close to Disneyland and the ocean, and of course it's paid for. It needs remodeling, but not having a mortgage would rock my world! I also have friends and some family there I don't know very well and there are a ton of jobs in my industry just down the street. I'm needing a warmer climate, and I'm already used to earthquakes.

If my mom doesn't like that idea, there is now a "Plan B". Florida is out because of hurricanes, and I don't like Nevada or Arizona, they don't have enough job opportunity for me. So, after some research that I actually did long ago, San Antonio, Texas could be Plan B. It is too far inland for much hurricane damage; it rarely gets tornados or earthquakes, and it is a pretty area with housing I can afford. I was looking online at realtor.com, and for double the house plus a pool, I can get a cheaper mortgage than I am paying up here living in a tiny house in the boonies that doesn't even have a fireplace. The climate is definitely warm, the "River Walk" is cool, and they have a Six Flags. There are also many jobs in my industry in the surrounding areas. I've never been to Texas, but I've been told San Antonio is one of the nicest areas if I'm going to live in Texas. There is a con, though. I will be best friends with the Orkin man. ME NO LIKE BUGS. Especially spiders.

So that's it in a nutshell. I want to move, and I hope Plan A works out, but I'm putting together some backup plans.

Spider Monkey on Crack

Good morning? UG. I woke up late. Have you ever seen a spider monkey on crack? That was me this morning. I need to figure out how to not be running ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY. I don't even have kids! OMG can you imagine? LOL. I have to work late again I'm sure, then run to pick my mom up from the airport. I've got her dog with me right now and we're flying down the highway (I won't say how fast) to get her home then me to work. Funny how I had time to stop for coffee, though. HA. (That's how I'm blogging, sitting in line.)

Rack of Lamb in Mongolian Sauce

OK, hunger won out. Here is the rack of lamb (BBQ'd) in my homemade Mongolian sauce with lots of steamed asparagus. There was also salad with tomato, zucchini, green onion, radishes, blue cheese and garlic croutons in a balsamic vinaigrette that I didn't take a picture of. OMG, it was so good! Are you jealous?

Worst Wife in the World

Mother of all hell!

I wasn't prepared for my wedding anniversary tonight and feel like crap about it. With my grandfather dying yesterday, running around nuts trying to help my mother with funeral arrangements, airline reservations, and work exploding into chaos where I have to be there late and can't even find the time to pee, I spaced it until yesterday and couldn't really do anything worthwhile to prepare. Maybe I'm the worst wife in the world, or maybe I'm losing it, I don't know, but I do feel like shit. Jim got me a really nice gift and I thought I would just postpone things until the weekend, but I think he's upset. I guess I deserve it.

We got into it (over non-related topics), but the lamb dinner may be shot in the ass. I'm having cognac for dinner at the moment. Fuck. Somebody kill me. I can't do anything right anymore.

Booze Snob

Busy, Busy today. I'll update more a little later, having lamb chops for dinner and I will of course be taking a pic of the masterpiece. I will also be having after-dinner cognac again, because I think that is my new thing. Look at me all sophisticated! Probably moving towards alcoholism, but whatever. I'm already a food snob and a coffee snob, so why not a booze snob too?

Summer is officially over.

I think summer is officially over here. It's been cold, rainy and dark the last 4 mornings. I'm keeping the tan, damnit. What happened to Indian Summers? Did we even have a Summer? I was over so quick, I think I blinked and missed it. Washington.

I do love Fall, though. It's actually my favorite season. I just kind of feel like we skipped a season, that's all, and I don't like feeling jipped. Maybe I'm just still in California mode in my head and don't want to let it go, I don't know. I'll stop complaining now.

Remy Martin

Here's to you, Papaw! My grandpa LOVED Remy Martin VSOP Cognac. It was his absolute favorite. So, I decided to get some, and now I'm toasting to him, to all the wonderful memories we had together. He made my summer visits to California so special. He was a special man. He was not my biological grandfather, but I could not have picked out a better one. I hope he is resting in peace, he was a good husband, a good father, a good grandfather and a good man.

I love you, Papaw.

My grandpa died today. I have very little family left. I got the call at work from my very distressed mom who is still in California. I am extremely sad, as I was very close to my grandpa when I was young. Usually, I can maintain composure until I can get to the bathroom corner, but when someone else is crying, I start crying. Immediately.

So, there I was blubbering at my desk. I'm sure everyone thinks I am an emotional trainwreck after the year I've had. No one knows what to say to me anymore. Of course, our seriously critical crunch-time started today at work, so I had to stay. It's probably best I keep busy right now anyway.

I love you Papaw. You were the best grandpa in the world. Rest in Peace.

What I miss most about vacation.

You know what I miss most about vacation (besides everything)? Taking my time. Waking up and going out on the little balcony from the bedroom to watch the sun come up, taking my time getting ready and trying different hairstyles, making breakfast, lounging on the patio at night not worrying about how much sleep I'm going to get, that sort of thing. Not being in a rush for everything.

This morning? Alarm almost makes me fall out of bed, which makes the dogs cough-bark, which makes me scream shut up for 15 minutes while I'm running off of 3 hours sleep on the hunt for a clean pair of underwear. I run out the door with wet hair, starving. Grab a coffee at my favorite stand, vibrating my leg wildly in impatience at the car in front of me who is ordering what seems like 50 coffees, while I blog and check my emails on the Crackberry.

Happy Tuesday. :-)

Dog Coughing

I think my poor dogs caught my cough. They are hacking their furry little heads off! Is that possible? It sounds so pathetic; I feel so bad. The vet said to not worry, but I am anyways. Poor little things.

No cavities!

Thunder and lightning storms are fun to watch, but they do nothing for traffic. Dentist appointments suck too. Ouch! But still no cavities, Hooray!

Let Me Explain

OK, I have completely freaked everyone out. I'm sorry. What I meant by "I'm done" is not suicide or ceasing blogging. It just meant that my brain has checked out and I'm going numb or crazy or whatever. (Not that that's much better.) The bad news will not stop coming in and I'm clinically depressed, so I just vent on my blog. It is the only outlet I have. I guess I better watch it, though, huh?

I have never dealt with so much at one time, and I have never been at such a crossroads in my life. If you were to walk a mile in my emotional shoes, you would understand. Thank you, dear readers, for your concern and support. Your comments and emails mean a lot and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just pray for me, that I can keep it together. I'm trying.

A Repeat of Monday's Mood

I'm feeling like I might be done. I don't know. Here's to you, LIFE, double!

Sick & Tired

I'm sick of being awake all night. I'm also sick of being sad all the time. No amount of therapy helps, sorry. I can talk about things until I'm blue in the face, and it doesn't make any difference. My plan is good, and I'm going to do it, but it seems so far away. Will it work? Will it make me happy? What do I do in the meantime? How do I make it through each day?

It isn't chocolate cake, but it works.

Just because I'm pissy and want chocolate does NOT mean it is that time of the month, so STOP asking. I'm pissy and wanting chocolate for entirely different reasons.

I'm bored and full now and screwed myself for getting any kind of good night's sleep with my all-day nap. Crap.

My Current Mission

It's raining and humid and dark. I've been sleeping ALL day. Literally. I woke up in a tizzy wanting chocolate cake RIGHT now. I don't know why. I don't just want it; I somehow NEED it. It is some sort of a massive craving that won't go away. It has to be chocolate, not some other lame flavor. I'm a raving lunatic right now scouring the house for anything resembling chocolate cake, and I'm not finding anything. NOTHING. I don't think that I have the patience to make a cake from scratch, and it would take too long to drive to the store and back, and then make the damn cake, so forget that. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Are my hormones out of whack? The struggle is real. Is there a cake store around here? I wonder if the neighbor has cake mix that I could buy from him. Probably not, he's skinny and male.

That is my current mission, and I don't think I can talk anymore until I get it.

Tanning & Coffee

OK, now that I'm done flipping everyone off, I'll tell you about my dumb day. Obviously, I'm not in a good way right now. When I woke up this morning, I was insanely grumpy. That is actually a little bit of an understatement, but whatever.

I noticed my tan was fading and I CAN'T HAVE THAT, so I surrendered to "Sultan Glo Tan". I know. It will have to do. How bad could it be? I also made an impulse buy (sunglasses) because on the way I realized I was braless and had no makeup on. It's OK to show the internet, though, which makes no sense. I've never claimed to make sense, though, so there is that.

After tanning, I went to "Vinaccio's", my local coffee joint and got the biggest iced mocha they were prepared to make. I've been surviving on coffee. Also, here is the new blue top I bought before my California trip that I basically live in. That is all.

Today's Mood

My Monday mood. Just so you know.

My Grandpa

I just got word that my grandpa is going to die. I am devastated. I love him so much; he is such a great grandpa. He taught me how to play chess, he told me the BEST pirate stories and let me play (carefully) with his authentic pirate sword from the Carribean. He taught me how to dive and hold my breath under water, and about all the constellations in the sky. He helped me with my math. This will be my fourth family member loss in less than a year. I don't think I can take much more.

I am also very, very worried about my mom. She is just too overwhelmed. My heart hurts so much right now, for so many reasons. It literally aches. I need my "Plan A" to expedite ASAP so I can try to be happy in this life, it won't last forever. I think I'm going to guzzle the rest of my codeine cough syrup and just pass out for the evening.

Please pray for my mom and I. God help us.