The Plan

I don't have all the details yet, of course, because it is a new plan. Duh. But I need to get out of here. Out of state. The fact that I came home from vacation and felt the black cloud envelop me almost immediately is a sign that something is very, very wrong. Another duh. Nichole was right, I've been in some sort of a black vortex, and therapy alone isn't working.

I used to think that I loved the rain and the dark and all, but the truth is, it just makes me isolate and hide and sleep all day. There are reasons beyond reasons why I need a big change like this, but I need to shake my world up and get a fresh start. Or I'm going to die. It's as simple as that. Stress, depression, anxiety, they are killers. I'm not "running from my problems", I'm just realizing a need for a big change, something I've always been so afraid of doing. (Moving out of state away from everything I know.) I don't know where this will leave my marriage. I just don't know, and I don't want to speculate right now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well, I'm tired of that. And really? What's the big deal? I'm not a pussy, so I need to get up off my damn ass. All I need to do is finish up my job. I'm going to be talking to mom about the house in California. I don't know how far I'll get with that, but that is where I'm going to start since I love it there. If that doesn't work out, well, I guess I come up with a plan B. I know this is what I'm supposed to do, because it broke my funk, and I'm feeling so much better, even physically! The coughing has slowed down today and I'm eating.

Never really thought I'd EVER be thinking this way, I thought I would live here forever. It is kind of weird but feels really good. Something to look forward to, something to get my adrenaline pumping, which I love. Why would I have adrenaline? Because it's the unknown. Flying by the seat of my pants. Don't know what to expect. My therapist likes the idea, I went to see her today. I'll keep you posted on how things develop. Lots of planning to do. Even the planning is getting me excited and putting color back into my face. Who knew?

Catch you later, I've got enchiladas and cosmos to devour at Juice's house.

I am going to apologize now for this post.

I have been fairly upbeat for the last few weeks, and it was due time for a meltdown. Now remember, I have issues and I don't choose meltdowns, they choose me. I have also been out of therapy for 3 weeks, I just got back from vacation, I'm sick and pretty much everything is one big crapcake.

Right now, I am sitting in a McDonald's parking lot by myself wondering if ordering food will just be a waste of time and money. It was about an hour drive here from where I was, and I spent a large portion of that bawling my freaking eyes out. You know, the kind of crying where you are wailing incomprehensible words to no one while snot bubbles are rolling down your face and you know you will have a headache when you are done? Yeah. Scary. I wore myself out and made myself cough more. Smart I am. Sometimes I lose all hope and faith in everything, like what the fuck is the point in ANYTHING. I like NOTHING, I have NOTHING to look forward to, everyone go to hell and leave me alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to play, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Yeah, I'm healthy.

At least I'm not like this EVERY day, right? Juice and Hole, I promise to be better for enchiladas tomorrow, OK? Don't worry, I'm WAY past the contagious part of my dying.

Dude, I am so sick.

I haven't eaten for two days, and when I tried to eat, it came back up, I'm hacking up weird shit LOUDLY and I can't sleep because when I lay down it sends me into coughing fits. The codeine cough syrup is great, but I can't take it when driving or working. I have no days off I can take because I used them all. I can't go home and sleep because I have a commitment to one of those market research thingies tonight that pays you cash. Need to go to that, but it is 3 FUCKING hours long. That means I won't be getting home until after 10pm. Awesome.

Yogagirl says Whooping Cough is going around. Great. That's just great. I should probably go to the doctor, huh? I'm a little stubborn with that. They won't do anything and charge me up the Ying Yang.

My computer screen is kind of blurry, so if I type something weird, you'll know I'm falling over. Oh, and did I mention the dizziness? Yeah. Also, it is DOWNPOURING right now and I have no coat and I'm wearing flip flops.

If you don't unpack, you are still on vacation.

I haven't even fully unpacked yet because that would finalize my vacation. I know that's weird. I don't want to fall back into the depression pit, I'm fighting it. Sometimes I wish one of my grandmas were alive, or that I had an old wise mentor to go have coffee with who could help me figure things out. My therapist is great, but you know what I mean, someone who has all that life experience who could point me in the right direction and tell me everything will be OK.

I need cough syrup and food.

I made it through the workday, barely. I need some cough syrup BAD. Everyone wants my tan, but not my job. LOL.

I haven't eaten all day and I'm STARVING, and my friends have informed me I'm going back to the gym Wednesday, sick or not. I actually lost 2 lbs. on vacation if you can believe that!

It was 100 degrees Saturday and raining, and 60 degrees today. Neat.

Polka Dot Blouse

I almost forgot to show you my new polka dot blouse. It's pretty.

Is it too much to ask?

Back to work. Hip, hip, hooray. Can you hear the enthusiasm? Here is me commuting. I have lost the sparkle in my eyes, I forgot how hard it is to come back from vacation. Is it too much to ask to be on permanent vacation? Geez.

I did not TRY to look so pitiful; I swear. My face just reflects my mood naturally apparently, and I look like a lost little puppy who needs a forever home. LOL. At least my hair looks decent today, and not all over the damn place like an out-of-control mop. The sun lightened it up quite a bit, too.

Lightning Storm!

I ACTUALLY caught some lightning strikes with my crappy Crackberry camera! I am very excited about it, although now that I think about it, holding a metal device up in the air during an electrical storm is probably not the best idea. Oh well, I don't care. Look how cool!

It was quite a show, I can't even remember the last time we had this kind of lightning, where you can see the strikes from the ground up. I know I've beat this horse into the ground, but the weather just keeps getting more and more extreme. We rarely have these kinds of storms, plus we had snow in April this year, and flip-flopping temperatures, sometimes going from 30 to 80 in a couple of days. Pretty bizarre if you ask me. Just sayin'.

If you're in the area, I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am!

Want to hear my cough?

I knew you did. I recorded it so you would believe me on how insane it is. You can hear me eight miles away. Sorry, there is no picture, but believe me, it's gross anyway, you don't want to watch me cough up a loogie. Guys, try to control yourselves, this is SUPER sexy. You will want me immediately. I wonder if anyone else in the entire world blogs a video of their cough. I seriously may be the only one. It's probably a good thing. I've lost my mind. Completely. Enjoy!

No excitement.

Well, I was hoping for excitement, but nope. There will be none of that here. The codeine cough syrup knocks me for a loop, so I've been in and out of it. Currently I'm sitting out in the pseudo-sun getting in lots of liquids (water not booze) so that I will be alive for work tomorrow. I have cleaning and laundry and dishes and unpacking to do, but I'm just not up to it at the moment being all pie-eyed. The best I can muster up is looking through clothes catalogs wanting everything. I know I just bought a bunch of stuff before my trip, but I have a void to fill now, don't you understand? LOL!

Watching the Sky

We are currently having a fantastic lightning and thunderstorm! It woke me up at 4 am, but I'm still laying here in bed at 6:45 am, but I can still hear and see out my bedroom window. I Just don't want to get up. The dogs are sacked out, and I'm just watching the sky and daydreaming. Storms put me in a certain state of mind, and mood. Thunder to me is like the voice of God. I'm not kidding, you can find that in the Bible!

Full Moon

Full moon tonight, did I shave my legs? AAAHHOOOOO! I've officially lost it.

Washington Sunsets

Washington sunsets aren't too shabby either. A beautiful night. I have to say, though, as much fun as Cali is, the air quality sucks. I LOVE the fresh air here.

Codeine Cough Syrup

Finally feeling a little better, I found some codeine cough syrup in my medicine cabinet. Expired exschmired, I'm chuggin' it!

I took an ice-cold shower, slathered myself in my new jasmine body lotion and then sat in the sun for a little while trying to enjoy the last of my days off. I've been listening to Glenn Miller (swing music) and Louie Armstrong for a nice mellow, calming atmosphere. (If I'm not acting 12, I'm acting 80.) Now I just need a dance partner! I'm going to light my candles when it gets dark and just chill out. I need to order those chili pepper lights and tiki torches!

My tan is looking awesome! I'm so thrilled! I will make everyone jealous at work. I also have some Aveda "points" to cash in so I can get my hair foiled with a gift certificate. Nothing like being super blonde and tan! Ha.

Gurgle-Breathing and Crying

OMG, I think I'm dying. It is over 100 degrees here, and have I mentioned I have no air-conditioning and no pool? I also cannot lay down because it makes me go into coughing fits. I'm sitting here sweating and gurgle-breathing and crying.

Home Again

We hauled some serious ass and did this trip in 20 hours! I want to die and barf up a lung, but still. We just picked up my sweet Magadog who probably thought I abandoned her forever. I'm getting lots of kisses, but she seems confused. It is strange being home. I want to go back. Maybe I'll move there. Now what am I going to blog about? I'm back to my boring life.

Driving through Oregon.

Hi Yogagirl! (Waving vigorously.)

There is something I need to understand about Oregon. Why are you forbidden to pump your own gas?

There are also hardly any gas stations open at 1 am which started to stress us out. THEN, I needed to go to the restroom and the person WOULD NOT COME OUT. I am not kidding about this. I stood there for 15 minutes while watching a small Asian boy run around in circles holding his crotch. I heard someone cough in there, so I know it wasn't empty. I left. Hope to God there is a rest stop close by.

I am coughing my fool head off. It sounds really healthy, too, like a dying chainsaw. I think I am annoying the occupants of the car. It does keep me awake, though.

WTF is a Chowchilla?

The Lost Highway. I'm getting punchy. These are my favorite names of towns, roads, etc. so far:

Weed (of course.)
Chowchilla (WTF is a Chowchilla?)
Hilt (Say "HILT!" like you are dry-heaving and it's funny. Maybe it is just me.)
Louie Road (Lou-dog!)

I also took a picture of my tongue so that I could say I was licking you, but it was too blurry. Sorry to disappoint, but just know that I am licking you in spirit. This is what straight-through driving road trips do to me. It is similar to tequila. BIG LICK!

Driving through the Grapevine.

Have I mentioned how much fun driving through the Grapevine is? So much fun that I want to jam a fork into my eye. Miles and miles of nothing.

Somebody please talk to me, for the LOVE OF GOD.

What trip would be complete without a foot pic?

Being sick on a road trip takes all the fun out of it.

Well color me surprised! It's supposed to be 97 degrees at my house tomorrow. I'll have no pool, though, so I'll have to skinny dip under the hose.