Warped Conversations

We haven't done cack this weekend. Lots of sleeping and laying in front the TV. Today is nice, sunny and warm, and the best we could muster up is to sit on the back patio under the umbrella. But you know, at least we moved. We turned on some tunes and just sat and talked. Sometimes our conversations are stimulating and sometimes, well, they are warped. Like for instance, after I took a shower, I put on some capris and flip flops to sit outside. Jim started laughing because I haven't shaved my legs for a couple of days. (YOU shut up.) He mimicked a wolf howling. I flipped him off, and as he continued to roll in hysterics, I pounded on him a little. I gave him the evil eye and started to think about what I would blog about today. I must have had the "I'm going to blog evil about you" look on my face because the next thing he said was, "The 'I'm a hero on your blog' shit is over, isn't it?" LOL. "Yes, indeed it is.", I said. "I'm going to tell the internet that you are listening to Air Supply and "How deep is your Love" by the BeeJees." Then I got the evil eye. "But you like it too!" "Yes", I said, "but I'm a girl".

So now I'm even. HA! Time to go BBQ steaks. I'm freaking starving.

Quick update on the continuing conversation:

Jim: (studying my cleavage) "Women's boobs get bigger when they gain weight, but how come men's penises don't get bigger when they gain weight? It doesn't seem fair."
My answer: "Because if that were true, every man in America would weigh 500 pounds."

View from the toilet.

I am REALLY bored today, can you tell? I just woke up. It is like, 1:30 pm. I did wake up earlier, but I justified reasons to crawl back in bed. It's one of those super lazy, wander around with no purpose kind of days.

I thought you might appreciate a nice photo from the toilet. A really, really BAD photo that I couldn't even fix in photoshop; but I digress. You see, the dogs follow me everywhere, and I mean everywhere. If I were to guess what they were saying in their heads, it would go something like this:

"What are ya doin'?"
"Are you done yet?"
"Is there food in here?"
"Can we have some food?"
"Where's the food?"

A new dish.

I made pork tenderloin in a homemade piccata sauce (capers, butter, lemon, white wine, parsley, my special chicken/beef stock, shallots, sea salt and cracked pepper), served with steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I ate ALL my veges! No potato! I'm bored with the same old things, so I got my cookbooks out. Jim thinks I'm completely out of my mind when I take pictures of my food, especially if we go to a restaurant. He pretends he doesn't know me. LOL. I can't help it.

My Hero

There is something you probably don't know about me, and that is that I am married to a real, live hero. Jim is a decorated combat veteran of the Gulf War. He courageously served his country with honors, and I am proud to know him. I think it is about time that I give him the recognition that he most definitely deserves, right here on my blog.
Jim served in the United States Army in Desert Storm in communications and ground combat. He has been rewarded with medals for his great leadership and the ability to cope effectively with things most of us would have trouble just hearing about. Some of his stories make me cringe, and for those of you who know me, know that that is hard to do.

Last night I was gazing up at his medals hanging on the wall. I decided to take them out of their case and clean everything up. I asked him to tell me about each one. He hesitated a bit, not knowing why I was asking, and also because he doesn't like to talk about it much. He gets embarrassed sometimes when people make a big deal out of it.

I love you, Jim. Thank you for what you did.

Starting at the top left, going from left to right:

1. Good Conduct Medal (self-explanatory.)
2. Purple Heart (For being wounded in combat, Jim was "gassed" with nerve gas from enemy forces.)
3. Bronze Star (For heroism, Jim fed starving Kuwaiti children and then ambushed men who came in to take it away.)
4. Army Commendation Medal (For good performance at a duty station.)
5. Army Achievement Medal (and I quote: "For saving everybody's ass on a field problem.")
6. Kuwaiti Liberation Medal (Awarded to Jim by the Saudi Arabian Government.)
7. Humanitarian Service Medal (For Jim's unit's involvement in "Operation Provide Comfort".)
8. Southwest Asia Service Medal (Self-explanatory.)
9. National Defense Service Medal (Awarded for being in the military during a time of war.)
10. Another Kuwaiti Liberation Medal (Awarded to Jim by the Kuwaiti Government.)

Are you paying attention?

The amount (and magnitude) of earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, economic woes, etc. is astounding right now. Interesting times we live in. I study this stuff.

I thought of something to blog about, and its interactive!

So, I was listening to iTunes at my desk and "Back in Black" came on by AC/DC. (You have to like that song.) *Note, someday I will be blaring that song while going Mach 5 in my newly purchased black '67 Camaro. Anyway, I started thinking about my childhood and how this song applied. Mostly it applied to me acting like a complete maniac, so I thought, how about a post of the 10 dumbest things I've ever done? Yeah. Good one. Also, all of you out there? Yeah, YOU. Tell me a couple of yours!

1. My friend Jesse had purchased a Camaro that barely ran; I think he paid $200 for it or something stupid. It had no windshield. No problem! We just put motorcycle helmets on, cranked "Back in Black" and cruised down Highway 203 at about 110. (He was driving.) I kept thinking "This could be hard to explain if we get pulled over."

2. I rode on the back of a Harley, twice, with just a bikini on. Burnt the SHIT out of my leg on the pipe. Twice.

3. Tried to make a big jump on ski's (without ever having taken a lesson) and landed on my head. I also jumped off of a ski lift once. Ouch.

4. Waterskied with a bikini on, and no life vest. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA.

5. Entered a drinking contest. OMFG.

6. Almost fell off of a Ferris wheel.

7. Dumped an entire bottle of "Sun In" on my hair. It turned bright Orange.

8. Pretty much every guy I dated from age 16 to 20.

9. Told some men in a bar that my boyfriend was going to kick their ass. I found out that we could run REALLY fast while intoxicated.

10. Rode a scooter for the first time and crashed into a blackberry bush.

I've got nothing.

Blah. Wednesday. At least its payday, but its spent already as usual. There is actually nothing of interest going on this week. So, tell me, internet, what do want me to talk about? The dogs are acting like idiots (nothing new there), I haven't felt like cooking anything, Jim is not doing anything, the weather is just boring and rainy, work is boring, nobody has died this week (OK, not funny), I haven't taken any pictures, and nobody has done anything lately for me to make fun of. So, there you have it.

How was YOUR morning?

All of this occurred before 9 am.

1. Drove alongside a fast-moving train on the way to work, and when it blew its whistle, I jumped from being startled, and spilled coffee all over my lap.

2. Broke a few dishes in the kitchen at work because I am a hopeless klutz.

3. Crashed my hard drive.

4. Completely screwed up a document and had to start over from scratch.

5. Ate fire-chili for dinner last night and paid dearly for it this morning in the work bathroom.

6. While in the bathroom and couldn't go anywhere, I heard my cell phone go off at my desk LOUDLY (because I forgot to it on vibrate) in an office environment where you can hear a pin drop.

Locking Gas Caps

First, I just got a locking gas cap and HATE. IT. and it hates me back. I was thinking that with gas prices rising out of control to $4 a gallon that it would be a smart move. It would have been smart if I wasn't as impatient as a spider monkey on crack. Jim gave me two keys: one for his truck, one for mine. They look identical. Do we mark them, so we know which one is which? Of course not. Also, I let my vehicle run down to fumes before I stop and get gas. I can't help it.

OK, so here I am coasting into the nearest gas station. I try to take the cap off as though it didn't lock. Oh, duh! Okay, go get keys. Put wrong key in twice. Put right key in. Do a half turn JUST LIKE IT SAYS. Pull. Nothing. Pull again. Nothing. I start to panic. Look at directions on cap again. Half turn, pull. MOTHER OF HELL! Start jumping around in frustration hitting and kicking vehicle. People start to stare. I am almost in tears. Grip cap/key with my life and pick one leg up and plant it next to the cap for leverage. Crank a half turn and pull with all of my might. COME ON DAMNIT! Walk around in a circle thinking. Go back to cap and do a half turn with the key again, grip the cap and turn a little more. OPEN! HOORAY! It only took 20 minutes. I seriously need someone to follow me around all day and just help me with stuff. You know?

Second, my mom called me from California and needed me to go get into one her "lock boxes" and send her something from inside it. OK, no problem. While looking through the box I found all kinds of fun stuff and got majorly distracted. I know, shocker. She had piles and piles of negatives in there. Fun! I start looking at all of them. OMG. Pictures I've never seen before. of ME. I found some particular bikini ones that just freaked me out. Did I EVER look like that? Holy crap! My favorite bikini, too! I remember it! No wonder I'm depressed. I sat and reminisced for a while and then took them home to print. (Don't worry, I'll put them back.) I am SO going to put this one on the frig. Okay, maybe I'll never look like that again, but the fact that I ever did gives me some extra motivation. I had ABS. ABS! Now, never mind the hair. Just don't look directly at it. Oh, and YES, it was necessary to put on earrings and makeup and hairspray to go the beach. That's how we got picked up to go waterskiing. Duh. Also, yes, my mom has redecorated since then. Thank GOD.

OK, I'll blog.

You guys are getting entirely used to me blogging every day, I'm getting emails wondering what's up, I haven't posted in over 24 hours now! LOL. So, what is up today, you ask? Well, I will try to put together a post that makes any kind of sense, my brain is all over the place. It's Monday, you know, and I am just now settling in at work with my coffee. I also had an early doctor's appt. this morning, which is such a super way to start the week. I've been seeing the same family doctor forever now, and she knows me pretty well. It was just a well-check, but the conversation was a little funny because I haven't been in for a while.

Doctor: "So how is your depression and anxiety?"
Me: "Well, depressing and stressful."
Doctor: (Just looks at me, then smiles.)  "OK."
Me: "I don't know, some days I'm OK, some days I'm not."
Doctor: "Are you making changes like we talked about?"
Me: "Sort of. I went bowling, does that count?"
Doctor: "Well, yes, that's a start. It's good for you to get out and socialize."
Me: "Can I get an EpiPen?"
Doctor: "What for?"
Me: "I'm allergic to wasps."
Doctor: "You are? I don't have that down here in your files."
Me: "Yes. I swell up and wheeze. I want to go outside a lot this summer."
Doctor: "When was your last reaction?"
Me: "About 19 years ago. I had to go to the emergency room."
Doctor: "19 years ago, and you are just now asking for an EpiPen?"
Me: "Yeah, I kept forgetting."
Doctor: (Sighs.)  "OK."

Sidenote: Some random construction worker (maybe in his 60's) just stopped me and asked me if he could use our restroom. I said, "How much money do you have?" Taking me seriously, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a quarter. I said to just leave it on the counter when he was done. He said OK. I am so mean! I am totally laughing right now, and if there is actually a quarter in there when I check I am going to howl in laughter.

We are mature, sophisticated adults.

A good time was had by all. Did anyone break 100? We all sucked badly, and it was hysterical. Something in my left leg is not right and hurts, (I'm limping!) so I did much better yesterday. I was also a designated driver, so I only had one beer (I know!) and someone kept drinking out of my beer glass! Hey Annie and Matt, thanks again for everything, you guys are the best! I'm so going to get you back for sneak-paying, though!

Work Bowling & Fiddler on the Roof

My work hosted a bowling night, which turned out to be "Maitai" night for me. I'm hungover, sore, and am going bowling AGAIN tomorrow with friends. I think I'm too old for all this physical activity. It is fun, but I am not a good bowler, I just make a fool out of myself, drinking or not.

In other news, my stepson did a great job playing "Perchik" in "Fiddler on the Roof"! I'm so proud of him, he is turning out to be quite the little actor.

LOST Thoughts

OK, what is up with "LOST"? There are so few TV shows I like, but LOST is by far my favorite. However, are you as frustrated as me? They answer, like, ONE question, then make 20 more. Sometimes I just want to stick a fork in my eye. I actually was fortunate to start watching the series late and got to rent Seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD where I got to watch them all in a row, without interruption and without forgetting what the hell is going on. Now that I'm having to watch week-to-week with 2-month breaks, it just SUCKS! It has a very complicated plot, and with so much going on it is so easy to forget things. Also, the commercials? WOW. Anyway, I'm sure if you watch you know exactly what I mean. If you don't watch? What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously folks, it's worth a watch. Go rent the seasons and get started. It does hurt my brain sometimes, but they do a really good job of combining science and spirituality. I'm constantly changing my theories.

OK, I have some bowling and drinking to go do.

Event Update & My Girl-Fight Story

Today I get to work (if you call blogging working), but tomorrow our company is hosting an all-day bowling event with AN OPEN BAR to celebrate our success. The people I work with are complete maniacs, I fit right in. Then, that night we're going to see Bill (my stepson) in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. Hopefully I won't smell like margaritas and bowling wax. LOL. Break a leg, Bill!

Saturday I'm going bowling again! I didn't plan it that way, but what fun! It will be me, Jim, Juice (Annie) and her hubs, and Hole (Beth). I will not be able to move by Sunday, I'm sure. Sunday is dinner/drinks with Yogagirl and hubby if we can swing it!

Bowling is excellent exercise for the hips, quads and my right arm. I'm still a little out of shape, though. OK, WAY out of shape. For a while there, I was pumping some serious iron. I could bench press 150lb, which is my personal best. That may not sound like much to the big guns like Skwigg and Yogagirl, but I was damn proud of it because some of the men I work with were all pissy that I could lift more than them. Sorry, boys! I've always been a little freakishly strong, without much effort. I grew up with all boys, not brothers, just friends. For some reason I got along better with boys. Go figure. I have these really muscular legs, and my guy friends taught me all kinds of things like how to fight and how to play sports, including wrestling. I guess I was a little naive thinking they were just being 'helpful' teaching me to wrestle, but, um, yeah. I get that now. HA. Pervs. Anyway, this is a good segue way into my story. I'm running out of blog material, so bear with me.

It was Junior High. Hell on Earth. Did anyone like Junior High? What a crap fest. Okay, let's just go with I hated Junior High. (Highschool was fun, though) I was going through that awkward braces/hormone balancing time that all us girls fondly remember. I did, however, still have an attitude with side of sarcasm. Not much different than today. In P.E., there was this girl who just gave me the hardest time. I didn't do anything to warrant this, but once she started, she wouldn't stop. I was athletic during class, but afterwards in the locker rooms, I would get myself all dolled up to go back to class. You know, tons of hairspray, perfume and such. She would make fun of me and call me "princess" and other colorful terms. She (Shara) happened to be this star gymnast, and she was a "rocker". Remember those? Lots of black makeup, black leather, Megadeath T-shirts? Yeah. She thought she was tough. She ran her piehole a lot. Most of the time I would just hurl sarcasm and whatnot, but one day she decided she wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone by kicking my ass. Let me tell you how that turned out for her.

We were doing "wrestling week" at school in P.E. class, and Shara must have thought this would be a great time to defeat hairspray girl. They had us form two lines facing each other, and the next person from each side would go in the middle of the lines and 'wrestle'. Shara counted the people in line and correctly positioned herself so that she would be wrestling me. She was being particularly mean to me that day, following me around harassing me. I'd had it. I was ready. BRING IT, BITCH. She had no idea what she was doing. Here we go, face off! She tried to sweep her arm around my neck and bring me down, but instead I knocked her off of her feet inside of 4 seconds and pinned her down without even breaking a sweat. She was all red-faced and I thought her eyeballs were going to pop out. She was SO angry. She couldn't get up. She couldn't even move. She started yelling and I just looked down at her, calmly and intensely. When I finally let her up, she glared at me, and I figured I'd probably get knifed later or something. Whatever.

I didn't (and don't) consider myself to be extraordinarily tough or anything, I think I just had enough anger, adrenaline and training to get the job done that day. Afterwards, in the locker room, she decided she wanted to fight. She started in on me about my hair again, and I snapped and pushed her up against the lockers intending to punch her the face, but a teacher stopped me, and we both got detention. Shara's friends just stood by and watched slack-jawed because it was unprecedented for me to react with violence. It was so weird between us after that. She didn't say another word to me for two years. One day in the library right before our graduation to Highschool, she saw me studying and came up to me and asked me for help with something school related. I was ASTONISHED. She ended up apologizing to me for all the crap she gave me. Is that not a fun story? I love telling that story. I don't know what ever happened to her, but I hope she is happy and well.

Through My Eyes

Sometimes when I'm blue, taking photographs can take me to a different world. You really look at things, most of the time much differently than you would without the camera. You think differently. I guess that is the definition of art expression, and in this case my expression is through my own eyes, what I see. I did photoshop a couple of the pics for effect, but the others are untouched at this point. I'm really not much of a photographer, but I try, and I enjoy it. I'm not trying to dwell on death, or any of my other haunts, but this quote from Plato (the Greek Philosopher) kept coming to my mind when I was photographing some of the flowers. (Yes, I read Plato.) I also like the latter quote by Emily Dickenson.

"The soul takes flight to a world that is invisible; but there arriving, she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise." -Plato

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words And never stops at all." --Emily Dickenson

Last Monday after my "Who am I?" post, on my last day of vacation, I went to breakfast at my local bakery (The Sultan Bakery), had a wonderful low-calorie (Ha!) breakfast with homemade French toast, homemade jam, scrambled eggs and the best bacon I've EVER tasted, and then headed off to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival. (Tulips are my favorite flower - the colors are so stunning.) It was about an hour's drive North. The weather was ominous getting there, but once there, it was beautiful and sunny. A perfect day for taking pictures. Okay, it was a little bit girly for me, but hey, it happens.

Happy Birthday to Jim!

My 5 days off is over. Wah. Now, of course, it's sunny. Jim is out golfing all day today for his big 4-0 birthday. (Happy Birthday!) He is not all that thrilled about turning 40, but the free-golf-on-your birthday is helping, I'm sure. I made him a cake yesterday and he requested steak for dinner tonight (of course). His mom and I went in together to get him a new recliner since his old one was completely hammered. It is a nice one and being that he falls asleep in it almost every night, he really needed it. I am way broke now, though, because of the SUV repairs and the birthday expenditures. We can't afford to do much else, so I hope he is happy with those things.

Who am I?

To my dear readers, if I have any left. I'm sorry for all the 'downer' posts lately, I know I can be a serious buzzkill. It's just that I have really come to a point in my life where I'm questioning everything. Yes, it is true that I have been hit quite hard in the last 5 months with some pretty big stuff. Death makes you really rethink many things. I feel as though several 'chapters' of my life have been closed. I can never go back, things have been left unsaid, undone. You really do change, I've changed. I have so many questions. What am I doing? Where am I going? What are my goals? I must be here for some reason. Is there something I am supposed to be doing that I'm not, or vice versa?

This may sound like a super cheesy B movie (I should have been an actress), but what am I destined to do? If anything. Will I have a legacy? Or will my life simply end at some point? There are two particular incidents that come to mind that happened to me, where I am amazed I still walk the earth. One was back in 1997. I was driving to work on an old back country road. I was going around 50 mph. Suddenly a deer popped out onto the road, giving me ZERO time to react, and it slammed full-on into my windshield. I shut my eyes tight, held on the steering wheel, and instinctively slammed on the brakes. I felt the car (I had a sedan at the time) slide sideways into oncoming traffic, then get all bumpy, obviously in the brush. I came to a stop after what seemed like a lifetime and slowly opened my eyes. My lunch was all over my car, along with the contents of my purse, but the windshield wasn't broken, and I was ALIVE. I looked to my left and it took my breath away. If my car had slid 4 more inches, I would have rolled (or sailed) off of about 100-foot incline. There was no way I could get out, and I thought for a brief moment that if I even opened the car door, that the car would lose ground. In a about a split second, I slammed the gear into first and put the pedal to the metal. Back onto the road. At that point I was shaking, but I don't remember ever uttering a peep. I looked back to where I had slid and saw these huge black skid marks that went on forever. I guess it wasn't my time to go.

The other time was about 6 months ago. I was driving home on Highway 2 (which is nicknamed the highway of death because of all the head-on collisions), and it was late at night. I don't think much of the dangers anymore because I drive it every day, but that night I had another brush with death. I was driving along around 60 mph. There is no divider between lanes for oncoming traffic, and to my right was only a small metal railing that separates you from a cliff down to farmland, or to the Skykomish river. I was at the river point. There are no lights whatsoever except vehicle headlights. Suddenly, a truck (I think), swerved into my lane. I don't know if the person was sleepy, drunk or what. I was sober and had all my faculties about me, but I had NO WHERE to go. If I brake hard, I risk getting slammed from behind or sliding sideways into oncoming traffic, and if I go to the right, I risk flying into the river. Great. Again, I shut my eyes thinking "Okay, this IS IT. Please God don't let it hurt too much." I heard no braking, no tires squealing, no screaming, no nothing. I know I kind of swerved right a little hoping to avoid the head-on. There was NO WAY I could have made it. When I opened my eyes, I was just driving. Straight and normal. I didn't even think the person had time to swerve back over, but I guess they did. It had to have been by inches. Again, I guess it wasn't my time. Very strange occurrence.

Anyway, I'm just feeling odd. Like I can't quite figure out what to do with myself. I suppose time will help me, but even before all this, I was feeling anxious and unsettled. Most of you know I believe in God. You probably don't believe I do, but I do. I'm not much of a churchgoer anymore, churches make me mad. I don't feel close to God when I'm sitting in a pew, I feel close to God when no one is home and I'm kneeling in the dark. I've been doing that a lot lately. Asking God what it is I'm supposed to do. How do I help my mom? What do I do with my life? I feel like I am in some sort of limbo, frozen-like. Is that weird? That's a dumb question, isn't it? Of course it's weird. Almost everyone I know has a plan. Taking care of their kids, working hard at their career, saving for retirement, blah, blah, blah. Not me. I'm flying by the seat of my damn pants.

It's actually sunny today. The snow is melting. I'm going to go somewhere. Anywhere. I'm also hungry.

It won't stop snowing.

I thought maybe it would be a day or so, just a freak storm. Not so much. It has been snowing the last 3 days, and I woke up to it again this morning. It's April frigging 20th! If you don't believe we are experiencing climate change, you're out of your damn mind. When all else fails, though, make crab and artichoke dip. It works for me. It is my most requested dish, and it is delectable! Sorry, I can't give you my recipe because it has secret ingredients. If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

In the photos, we have snow-covered confused plants, and an unhappy Jim coming back from knocking snow off of the satellite dish. You also may notice my poor little tulips that just bloomed right next to the tree. Neat.

My Grandma

My mom just called and told me my grandma was gone. I called her "Mimi". I know it's stupid, but that's what I called her when I was a kid and it stuck. I spent many summers visiting her, and a large portion of my childhood at my grandparent's house. They played with me, took me to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm and she was this incredible cook. She loved everything spicy, that must be where I get it from. She loved to dance, and her and my grandpa (which I called Papaw or 'Pap') were always dancing all over the house with country music blaring. They were a lot of fun. I would spend the whole summer there sometimes, and I met other kids in the neighborhood who became my really good friends, and they were always coming over to the "fun" house with the pool. My grandparents would even "slip" us beers. "Don't tell your mother!", they would say. No wonder I was popular. Hehe. Needless to say, they weren't the 'typical' cookies and milk grandparents. I miss her already. I am so sick of crying; it gives me a terrible headache. This makes 3 deaths in our family in 5 months. I'm not doing so hot right now. I wish my mom was here. This is a terrible picture, but this is how I remember her, always joining in on the fun with my friends and me. The boys in the picture are Aaron, a neighbor who I became friends with when I was about 12, and Dan, Aaron's best friend. My California peeps.

Um, WTF? Over.

Okay, so it was 82 here last Saturday. It is now BLIZZARDING. Wanna hear the newest round of crazy and messed up? I knew you did. Sit down. Have a drink. Join me.

First, I get a call from work. At 9 am. Having a crisis. I had to drive in and fix it. My commute is an HOUR. I can't even get two damn days off in a row. How lame. (Yes, I am writing in short squatty sentences today. I write like I talk, and that is how I'm talking today.) So, I went and did that and some other very frustrating errands. Tip: If you see something at Costco you want or need, BUY IT RIGHT THEN because it WILL NOT BE THERE when you go back. In the Costco parking lot, I saw big black clouds and then it started hailing. It did not stop hailing for 20 minutes. I like storms, so I was all jazzed. Thunder? Cool. Lightning? Even cooler. Horrendous traffic because it starts blizzarding on your way home? Not cool.

Then I get a call from my mom. My grandma isn't going to make it through the night. She is in a coma and expected to die any minute. My poor mom is a mess, crying and upset and scared. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't know how to help. She may have to stay in California for a month to sort everything out with the lawyers. What do I do? Well, for now I'll just blog and post pictures, and try not to lose my shit. I have to keep it together for my mom.