Who am I?

To my dear readers, if I have any left. I'm sorry for all the 'downer' posts lately, I know I can be a serious buzzkill. It's just that I have really come to a point in my life where I'm questioning everything. Yes, it is true that I have been hit quite hard in the last 5 months with some pretty big stuff. Death makes you really rethink many things. I feel as though several 'chapters' of my life have been closed. I can never go back, things have been left unsaid, undone. You really do change, I've changed. I have so many questions. What am I doing? Where am I going? What are my goals? I must be here for some reason. Is there something I am supposed to be doing that I'm not, or vice versa?

This may sound like a super cheesy B movie (I should have been an actress), but what am I destined to do? If anything. Will I have a legacy? Or will my life simply end at some point? There are two particular incidents that come to mind that happened to me, where I am amazed I still walk the earth. One was back in 1997. I was driving to work on an old back country road. I was going around 50 mph. Suddenly a deer popped out onto the road, giving me ZERO time to react, and it slammed full-on into my windshield. I shut my eyes tight, held on the steering wheel, and instinctively slammed on the brakes. I felt the car (I had a sedan at the time) slide sideways into oncoming traffic, then get all bumpy, obviously in the brush. I came to a stop after what seemed like a lifetime and slowly opened my eyes. My lunch was all over my car, along with the contents of my purse, but the windshield wasn't broken, and I was ALIVE. I looked to my left and it took my breath away. If my car had slid 4 more inches, I would have rolled (or sailed) off of about 100-foot incline. There was no way I could get out, and I thought for a brief moment that if I even opened the car door, that the car would lose ground. In a about a split second, I slammed the gear into first and put the pedal to the metal. Back onto the road. At that point I was shaking, but I don't remember ever uttering a peep. I looked back to where I had slid and saw these huge black skid marks that went on forever. I guess it wasn't my time to go.

The other time was about 6 months ago. I was driving home on Highway 2 (which is nicknamed the highway of death because of all the head-on collisions), and it was late at night. I don't think much of the dangers anymore because I drive it every day, but that night I had another brush with death. I was driving along around 60 mph. There is no divider between lanes for oncoming traffic, and to my right was only a small metal railing that separates you from a cliff down to farmland, or to the Skykomish river. I was at the river point. There are no lights whatsoever except vehicle headlights. Suddenly, a truck (I think), swerved into my lane. I don't know if the person was sleepy, drunk or what. I was sober and had all my faculties about me, but I had NO WHERE to go. If I brake hard, I risk getting slammed from behind or sliding sideways into oncoming traffic, and if I go to the right, I risk flying into the river. Great. Again, I shut my eyes thinking "Okay, this IS IT. Please God don't let it hurt too much." I heard no braking, no tires squealing, no screaming, no nothing. I know I kind of swerved right a little hoping to avoid the head-on. There was NO WAY I could have made it. When I opened my eyes, I was just driving. Straight and normal. I didn't even think the person had time to swerve back over, but I guess they did. It had to have been by inches. Again, I guess it wasn't my time. Very strange occurrence.

Anyway, I'm just feeling odd. Like I can't quite figure out what to do with myself. I suppose time will help me, but even before all this, I was feeling anxious and unsettled. Most of you know I believe in God. You probably don't believe I do, but I do. I'm not much of a churchgoer anymore, churches make me mad. I don't feel close to God when I'm sitting in a pew, I feel close to God when no one is home and I'm kneeling in the dark. I've been doing that a lot lately. Asking God what it is I'm supposed to do. How do I help my mom? What do I do with my life? I feel like I am in some sort of limbo, frozen-like. Is that weird? That's a dumb question, isn't it? Of course it's weird. Almost everyone I know has a plan. Taking care of their kids, working hard at their career, saving for retirement, blah, blah, blah. Not me. I'm flying by the seat of my damn pants.

It's actually sunny today. The snow is melting. I'm going to go somewhere. Anywhere. I'm also hungry.