Swamp Pool & Periods

Here is the pool that matches the grass...and the dogs in their new duds. Maggie is sporting her blue diaper and Lou in his 'Tinkle Belt' with added Kotex. ("Always" Pads, with wings!) This is what my life has turned into. (I'm sure that's what they are thinking too.)

I'm supposed to be off for the next 10 days on holiday...but...yeah...right. My boss laughed at that one. Sometimes it really sucks to be the "go to" person. I'm celebrating my second Christmas tomorrow (first one was with the kid) with my Godmother and fam. I have done no wrapping. Gift bags it is!

California is flooding. It took me two hours to get home tonight. WTF? This is CALIFORNIA, it is NOT supposed to do this here!

I seem to be loving the periods today.....................................................................................................

Tinkle Belt

Yes, my last post was gloomy. Sorry. It is therapeutic to write what I feel, so that happens.

The pool water is green now. Bright green. We got it drained, but it continues to pour rain, so it looks BAD.

I got the pups doggy diapers. It is quite entertaining to watch them navigate with them on. LOL. I will take pics. Lou's is called a "Tinkle belt", and it recommends putting a Kotex in it to help. So yes, my male dog wears a Kotex pad. Hey, it will be a lot less messy around here!

I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I struggle with the will to live. It seems like the bad outweighs the good so often that it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I know this is depressing and not what anyone ever wants to hear or read. Life is truly disappointing to me. I've worked so hard to do what I'm supposed to do; to try and the see the good in everything and everyone; to do the right things; to keep going no matter what; to fight for what I believe in. I always get beat down. How many times do you keep getting up? Is it worth it? I keep thinking about the scene in "The Pursuit of Happyness" where Will Smith's character is sitting in the subway bathroom with his son, crying. I feel like that most of the time. It isn't God's fault, it isn't bad luck, it isn't that I have been lazy or unkind. It is just life. That movie, which was based on a true story, has a happy ending. Do I have a happy ending? I keep thinking to myself; what if surgery doesn't get rid of my cancer? How will I live out my days? What will I be able to say about my life? That I failed miserably at everything? And then I think, what if surgery does get rid of the cancer like it is supposed to? How will I live out my days? How will I change my life to be more appreciative of it? I know you are supposed to press on; to keep moving forward. But I have to tell you, that is very, very hard sometimes.

Too Much Rain

The pool is overflowing. NEAT. It wont stop raining.

Party Girl?

I'm so not 25 anymore. The party is just getting going and I'm ready for freaking bed. Sad. I looked pretty good at the beginning now I'm wet from the rain with mascara running down my face and some chick just grabbed my ass. Yup. God help me.

Another one bites the dust.

Well, his true colors came out and I am done. So disappointing but it is what it is. My friend Mario invited me to a party tonight and I'm going to get my mind off of things. I could use a few drinks.

Searching

Guess who cranked out Christmas shopping in 2 days? YEAH, ME. HA! Everything else? Don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what to do when I get there. My mom said something rather profound the other day. She said I was "searching" and she patted her heart. I asked her what she meant. She said I have been "searching" for a long, long time and haven't found what I'm looking for yet. I asked her to clue me in to what I am looking for since I don't have the foggiest. She doesn't know, but she doesn't think it has anything to do with a man. She thinks I am searching for what I was meant for in this life. Apparently, I am restless and unsatisfied. She is right. I am very restless, and thing are never quite right.

Crazydogmama no like drama!

I am confused, upset and extremely stressed out. I'm working nights right now at work because there is so much to do and I can't even concentrate. I don't know what's going on with Paul and I, he is upset, he upset me, and I have no idea what to do. I can't take the drama right now. Christmas is even stressing me out. I have not decorated, shopped or anything. FUCK.

Boys are stupid.

I always thought girls were the ones who went too fast with their emotions. My first thought was that I have somehow fucked up a fairytale, but I have cleared my head, remained calm, and I am not sure it is me. Maybe someone out there can shed some light. I really need some help. Some unbiased advice.

Everything was going great. Perfect. Better than perfect. I was enjoying every minute. We had an absolute amazing day yesterday. Then, all in the course of a few minutes, he cranked up the volume and I am still not quite sure what happened or how it started. To make a long story short, he is ready for this mega serious relationship and I'm like "huh?". Call me crazy, but dating for a month does not a stable relationship make. I want commitment, I want to fall in love, I want a serious relationship, but I need some time to make the assessment that I've found the right person first. He is correct in that we aren't getting any younger, but Holy God gimme a break. I really, really like him. I probably just lost him because he got seriously emotional, and I was as cold as a stone. What does that mean?

I went from crawling guy to sprinting guy. WTF? Where is the happy medium? I really like this guy and I don't know what to do. I am just not willing to rush into anything, and the one thing I know about myself is NO ONE can force me into anything anymore. Am I being too fearful because of my past, or am I being sensible? Is it reasonable to think that if he really cares for me that he will understand and chill out, or am I making the mistake of a lifetime in saying I need more time and need to take it a little slow (but not too slow)?

To Blog or Not to Blog

I have been going back and forth with myself about blogging. Some days I just want to disappear and never come back, but then something brings me back. My life seems more private to me now on some level and I just don't want certain things public, but yet I have the need to write. I can't believe some of you who have been coming here for years, it is such a compliment that I don't want to let you down even though I have a hard time believing any of this shit is interesting to you.

I had my biopsy. OUCH. Won't know results for a couple weeks. Seeing Paul tomorrow. Yay! I told him to run away far from the likes of me, but he won't listen. He took me to a fancy Japanese place for dinner and as I was eating my sushi appetizer, I was talking, and I thought I was preparing a bite of salad to put in my mouth but instead I shoveled in a huge glob of WASABI. I choked until tears were running down my cheeks. He can't say he wasn't warned. LOL!

Got Some Flowers

He was waiting by the curb when I arrived to escort me inside. This is the bouquet he gave to me. Perhaps I will write about my weekend another time, I am exhausted.

Many Random Things

1. A girl I work with got a boob-job, and she came back to work today. One of our coworkers (another girl thank God) waltzed right up to her remarking about it, and starting FONDLING her new boobs. I'm so not kidding. After I realized that what I was seeing was actually real, I snorted coffee through my nose and busted into laughter for about 30 minutes.

2. Maggie has had diarrhea ALL DAY and my mom has been complaining about the cleanup for an hour now. I guess I don't blame her. GROSS. I just bought a gallon of Nature's Miracle because the dogs are WAY out of control lately. Don't know what to do.

3. I can't keep food down. Don't know WTF that is about.

4. I am NOT looking forward to all my fricking doctor's appointments tomorrow. I'm getting an ultrasound in the morning and a boob-mashing at noon. (Mammogram). Fun. :-/

5. Working 12 hour shifts is killing me and Paul read me the riot act tonight about it. This is actually an interesting story, so that is what I'll focus on. That, and I like to talk about Paul. If you haven't noticed. I'm killing the "DATING BUZZ:" because it's lame and there is only Paul, so it is not necessary. I never claimed to be cool. Oh, I finally got around to breaking it off with David. It was harder than I thought; I'm not good at that sort of thing. I felt bad.

Anyway, Paul said my voice sounded funny tonight. I told him I was just burnt out. Being that he knows quite a bit about me after talking for 1 to 2 hours a night, every night, for over two weeks now, he decided I need to take a leave of absence for medical reasons for about a month so that I can concentrate on sleeping and getting better. He is apparently really concerned about me. This is what he said:

Paul: "I really want you to get well. What about US? If something happens to you, WHAT WOULD I DO? I mean it! I've spent my whole life looking for you. WHAT WOULD I DO?"

WHOA. I did not know how to respond to that.

Me: "Uh, I don't know what to say."

Paul: "Say you will look into a medical leave of absence so I can sleep at night."

Holy crap.

First Turkey Day in Cali

What a weekend! Thanksgiving was nice, lots of food and fun. There was piano playing, singing, laughing, and me sneaking out to talk on the phone (and getting yelled at for it). LOL! No one but the boys would let me post pics. Spoiled sports. Went to D-Land all day on Friday, and I mean ALL DAY. I about DIED. 12 freaking hours. I could not move on Saturday. I was limping. Sunday, I had a migraine. Back to the salt mines today. Getting an ultrasound on Friday, a biopsy the following Thursday and then surgery based on the results.

Dating Update: I think I have finally met a great guy. Things are going REALLY well with Paul. He finishes recording on Friday, so we will be spending the weekend together. I am supposed to go up to his place to help decorate the tree, have dinner and meet his dad. I am terrified. I think I am going to be a bit of a fish out of water up in that area. (Sherman Oaks). Hopefully I won't run into the Olsen twins. HA.

'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

Just got back from a midnight showing of Paranormal Activity 2. The boys (my step son and his friend) came to spend the holiday weekend with me and they dragged me out past my bedtime. Great flick! Tomorrow we are feasting at my second mom's house and then heading to D-land on Friday. And I refuse to think about the biopsy I have next week.

Dating Update: Paul is so great. We talk EVERY day, sometimes more than once, and every day I like him more. It is frightening how much we have in common, and the circumstances surrounding how we met is equally as eerie. It is seriously like the universe is throwing us together, no joke. We aren't able to see each other right now (which is frustrating to both of us) because he is in the middle of recording an album, then getting surgery, and I have the boys, getting the biopsy and then probably getting surgery myself (which he knows about). He knows about my issues, I know about his, yet neither of us is running; it is bringing us closer together. For the first time in a LONG time, I feel hopeful and happy despite all my crap. I feel like a schoolgirl. My mom and the boys laughed at me tonight when I jumped three feet in the air to the ringing of my phone and ran to answer it. I really hope he doesn't turn out to be a serial killer or something. LOL.

Off to bed. Happy Turkey Day!

Today was not the best.

After about an hour of being at work, I got a phone call from my doctor. The kind of phone call you never want to get. I will probably be fine, but just in case I'm not, I wouldn't object to a few prayers from strangers. I told my boss and my close coworkers. No one knew what to say and they sent me home to get my head together. Why does the worst shit happen to me right before the holidays? Dad dies, husband leaves, doctor makes me drop the phone.

Dating Update: I hate talking on the phone. HATE IT. I avoid it all costs. Paul and I talked for two hours last night and never once did I want to get off. I am in trouble. In more than one way. I told myself it is WAY too early to feel anything so to snap out it and get a grip. But I like him. Damn it.

A Day Off?

So I asked my boss if I could have Wednesday off and this is how she replies:

"You can have Wednesday off on these conditions, that you do not open any WORK email, answer any WORK phone calls or do any type of WORK."

LOL.

This is what my life has turned into. People knowing that I will work from home on a day I have requested off as a vacation day. I am mentally ill.

Dating Update: Paul (the Drummer) has emailed me at LEAST once a day since we met (long emails) and calls me at least once a day. So far, he is adorable; which makes me nervous. He has also told his father all about me. (I heard his father in the background during one of our calls.) I told him all about having to call the cops on one of my interested parties and how I am now ultra untrusting and paranoid, and so he told me when he sees me that I can copy down the info on his Driver's License and Social Security Card and do a background check on him.

Buzz Cuts and A Dear David

Got the pups a buzz cut because they were so badly matted. They look hilarious! Lou is freezing today so I put a Freddy Krueger sweater on him. LOL. It has been POURING down rain here, you can't really tell from the pic, but we won't need to fill the pool for a while. Sheesh.

In other news, I am compiling a "Dear David" email because he is "doing it wrong" as I explained earlier. Besides, there is someone else who so far, is doing it right. Just got off a great hour-long call with him and I can't keep up with his emails. He is VERY enthusiastic, closer to my age and NO kids. He is somewhat of a celebrity though, a drummer. LORD HAVE MERCY. Stay tuned; things are definitely getting interesting around here.

Dating Life

It sounds like my dating life is great, doesn't it? It is not. Unfortunately, with David, I don't believe I am any kind of a priority to him. I only get to see him every two to three weeks and then, only one day. He devotes ALL of his time to his kids. I don't have a problem with kids, and I am glad he is a great father, but I have to admit, I need to be SOME sort of a priority. You can't get to know someone this way. He is a typical guy in that I have NO IDEA what is going on in his head, either. I play NO games, and I am very close to ending things with him. I deserve better, I think. He has been very sweet, but is less than attentive, and I'm sorry, I'm not some doll you can just sit on a shelf when you are busy with more important things.

Beach Date

Blogger's Block

Well what do I write about? David and I spent all of Sunday together at Huntington Beach walking, talking, watching the surfers and looking through the overpriced crap at the festival. He brought me a rose from his garden and we went to Greek for lunch and Mexican for dinner. A very nice day. He is a nice man.  I don't have any idea where it is going relationship-wise and I am not going to ask, but his kisses are getting more "passionate" so I know where THAT is going. LOL.

I have been very, very tired this week and going to bed early. I came home from work today at one just exhausted. Don't know what's going on with me. That's all I can think of for now.

Another day in the life.

So what happens when you are a workaholic and never leave your desk? Your coworkers get creative on ways to get you out for a birthday lunch. In mid-type, someone pulled my chair from behind and started rolling me down the hallway toward the parking lot. As we rolled past the bathroom I was told "If you have to pee, do it now, oops, too late." LOL! Gotta love them. One of my boys got me a $20 Starbucks card, too. So sweet! I can't believe they did that! The night before, I didn't leave work until midnight, and I got two messages. One was an email from the VP of the site telling me to "GO HOME" and the other was a voicemail from my friend Mario saying verbatim "WTF is going on with you never answering your phone anymore and why are you not at my house yet?"

For dinner, I was taken out to my new fav Italian restaurant (Scarantino's) down the street, and I had Capellini Pomodoro with shrimp, a glass of merlot and tiramisu for dessert. MMMMMMM full tummy.

I'm supposed to go out with David tomorrow. He wanted to drive up to Santa Barbara, but I don't want to be in the car that long, so we decided just to spend the day at the beach or something. As romantic as it sounded, I've been on one-too-many road trips the last few years and I'm just not up to it right now. Plus, I don't know how I feel about anything yet. I'm keeping everyone at a distance at the moment. Kind of like 'You can touch my boob but stay away from my heart.' HAHAHAHA. I think I am holding out for something that will never happen. I'm sure at some point I will give up.

Oh, I uploaded a bunch of pics to my Flickr account and updated my amazon list. Just in case you look at that crap. :-)

39 Candles

Yup. One more year of my thirties. I woke up in a very foul mood, but my birthday did end on a good note. I was on a pity pot, but my new friends and coworkers perked me up then my fam took me out. I am super tired so I will blog later. LOTS to write about. Later.

Constant Challenges

Oh my GOD I'm sick of coughing! People were actually laughing at me today because I get visibly *pissed* after each coughing fit. It is so irritating and disruptive. The doctor said this pneumonia thing is going to take about 4 weeks to pass. Four fucking weeks. Sigh.

Although I am still under serious pressure and intensely busy at work, I talked with the Director, and she reassured me about some things. I guess it is good just to let your thoughts out once in a while. For a minute there I was stressing hard. I have to learn to let go of things. Easier said than done.

It seems everyone I talk to is having an equally as challenging life as myself. (Or more challenging.) I have two friends trying to stave off foreclosures, a couple of friends going through divorce, and other friends/acquaintances battling with their own life struggles. On one hand it is nice to know I'm not alone, but on the other I am sad to think of so many people hurting. The world is in a crazy way, I've never seen anything like it. I guess we all need to stick together, huh? I had to lower the sale price of my home today. Drastically. I am now selling it for less than what I owe on it. Terrific, huh? I need to shed the two mortgages desperately, though.

Well, I *think* I'm still dating. If you can call it that. I still see David occasionally, but he has kids, so it is far and few between. We are supposed to go out this weekend for my birthday. I also have been emailing someone else, but no date has been set up yet. Don't really know, don't really care. I'm a bit complacent about it at this point.

A Few Nice Days

I know, it surprised me too! I went to work on Friday, and I actually didn't mind it. Everyone was nice and seemed glad I was back. I was productive and felt good about it. Then today I relaxed in the backyard, took a long nap and went to my second mom's house for dinner. I'm finally feeling a little better.  Sometimes you have to get sick just so you can feel better, I guess. Big kisses and hugs to you all for being so nice and concerned about me. And an especially big kiss for my OTHER fan. ;-)

Unanswered Questions

Have you ever wanted an answer so bad to a question that you would do anything to get it? There is something in my life that I cannot make sense of. A question I've had now for a few years that I don't know that I'll ever get an answer to. If I wasn't faced with this daily, I could forget about it, but it is there. Taunting me. Always and without fail. Why? I can get my mind around most things (more so than others), but sometimes human behavior can be so unexplainable. When you've had a blog as long as I have, you witness and experience some strange things. You learn a lot about yourself as well. I'm not really a typical girl. I'd like to think I am, but let's face it, when you lay naked in a recliner drinking narcotic cough syrup right out of the bottle and blogging while watching "Secretary" the movie and liking it, you just ain't typical. I'm going to be 39 in a week.

A stranger's presence here is so elusive, yet so forceful. I am consumed by it, really. Seems they are consumed as well. But what consumes them? The word erotic comes to mind, but madness courses through my veins instead. What can I do to get this answer? Tell me. SHOW me. You have never had my attention as much as you have it now. I will not give up. Ever. I don't think you will either. Take a chance. DO IT. You did it before. Listen to me because I know you want to. We've never met, but we know each other. You are as deeply disturbed as I am. And I love that.

Sick

Dinner: A big-ass Dr. Pepper. Food? Blah. Nothing else sounded good. My mom is sick now too and all she wanted was a milkshake. We are quite the pair right now. It has been in the 100's this week so I have been laying around sick in my bathing suit. Wore it to the drive thru tonight too. LOL. Gotta love California. The house is completely torn apart with the remodel and even if we wanted to cook there is not one inch of free space in the kitchen.

I stayed home again today since I get no sleep with my warbly hack. I HAVE to go back to work tomorrow. I got a distress call from a coworker today and know I will be walking into a huge mess. Huge. Neat.

Coughing my lungs through my nostrils.

So as soon as I tell him no to two dates because I have plans already, go on a business trip then get deathly ill, he suddenly becomes mega attentive emailing me 2 to 3 times a day. WTF? He thinks he can't have me now so game ON. Pfft. That's all fine and great except the minute he gets me I bet my life he loses all interest. Not up to it. Sorry. It is simple. Adore me and you will find it is worth your time. If not, hit the road, Jack.

Can't sleep. Don't seem to be getting better. Staying home again tomorrow. Doctor's orders.  I'm in no condition to argue. Have never missed this much work.   

Turns out breathing is necessary.

Well, I didn't slit my wrists but I did manage to stop breathing. Ya. I caught some sort of severe respiratory infection that triggered my asthma, and I went purple. Had to go on a breathing machine and get a shot in my butt. It hurt. My ass hurts. Now I have all these drugs and inhalers and feel like an invalid because I start panting just walking back and forth from the bathroom. This blows. No wonder I've been grumpy.

ANOTHER Breakdown

I am having a nervous breakdown. No joke. I have been trying to stay upbeat, but the truth is I am not well. For the longest time now I have managed to keep it together and move forward despite what came at me, but the last few weeks have kicked the shit out of me. I can't go into detail but I'm worried about my job, I am worried about my health and I can't do this anymore. The pressure is intense and I don't know which will come first, me collapsing, getting fired or just giving up. I can only take so much. I am losing my cool and now I'm starting not to care. I've never done that, NEVER. Dangerous territory. I think I'm just burnt out and tired. There doesn't seem to be any break; the crap doesn't let up. I have been beat up one too many times. I asked for help today, but there is no help. I can't seem to muster up any faith this time. What the hell happened to me?

I was supposed to go out tonight with my friends and instead I came back to the hotel because I can't breathe. Literally. I just crawled into bed and stared into space. I am systematically losing everything, including my mind.

In Seattle for the week

Flew in last night and I'm staying at the coolest place called "The Edgewater". Travel stories later, pics for now. I have a bear table!

Dinner and a movie

Made stir fry and watched the whole nine yards. Such a funny flick. There are so many other things I need to be doing but screw it, life is too short.

When a date gets cancelled, go shopping.

He cancelled, sick. He emailed the cancellation and asked if he could see me before I left town (business trip). I said no. I have plans tomorrow night and then I leave Tuesday night, and if he is sick, I don't want it. He is going to have to wait, I guess. So, with the day free, I went to Chico's. I bought stuff, the stuff I posted a pic of awhile back. I am slowly replacing my entire wardrobe, nothing fits anymore! Too big! I also got a new phone, a "Droid 2". No more Crackberry. (Except my work phone is a crackberry.) I love it so far! I've decided I want an Apple iPad now. I will put the hint out to Santa.

Third Date

I'm going out on a third date with David tomorrow. I have no idea what time, where or what we are doing, but yeah, I accepted the invitation. Should I just bash my head into a wall now? Yeah, I'm in a pissy mood. Actually I've been pissed off for about 2 straight weeks. At everything. Can't pinpoint the exact reason.

The little things.

Halloween nails and new blingy flip flops. The little things in life make me happy.

I need a vacation so bad. I am burnt out.

Not this Girl

Well it looks like I will remain a respectable girl for now. As nice as he is, I don't do games or waiting around bullshit. He seems to think dating revolves around HIS timetable. Um, NOPE. Seeing him once every 1 to 2 weeks and not knowing when the next date will be until the night before doesn't work for me. I am busy too, and I don't ask how high when he says jump. No in-between phone calls and only a short email here and there, does not scream "really interested" to me. So, he may be SOL, I have a drawer full of toys. LOL. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect some puppy dog following me around, but come ON, a little enthusiasm please. Geez.

I just got home from work. I got into an argument with my boss (not good) and if my house was already sold, I probably would have walked. I'm so tired of everyone's shit. I am good at what I do and I'm sorry, I'm too old to kiss anyone's ass or be condescended to. One of my "boys" overheard the argument and went out of his way to tell me I was the best boss he has ever had and "wasn't just saying that". So, I guess if I get fired for not backing down, at least I know someone appreciates my demand for quality.

Enjoying SoCal

Man Brain

I swear I was born with a man's brain. I am getting wined and dined, doors opened for me, led into a room, all the things a girl wants a guy to do, and what is going through my head? SEX, SEX, SEX! Day and night. It is driving me batshit. If only he knew. LOL.  Maybe I should tell him, something tells me he'd be OK with it. Ha. I want to take the flowers he is handing me, smell them, then throw them behind me and push him down on the ground. What is wrong with me? I am trying to be a respectable girl, but I don't know how much longer that will last.

After all the deaths in my family and my divorce, the doctor had me on all kinds of pills. Anxiety pills, depression pills, you name it. I HATE pills. About a month ago, I chucked them all into the garbage. Quit cold turkey. I guess they were keeping the beast within at bay; that numb feeling, because it is unleashed now, and I am like a walking porno.

Downtown Disney

It is a beautiful evening. I am sitting at an outside coffee/bakery shop in Downtown Disney listening to a really good acoustic guitar band with Mom. Lights and palm trees, the band is playing Beethoven's 5th with a flamenco flair. I feel like dancing.

Out and About

Busy weekend and I'm not done yet! Saw the kid off to college Friday morning in Hollywood (took the day off work), went to the Kings game Friday night (a blast!), went on another date with David on Saturday which resulted in a romantic interlude down at Dana Point ;-) and I am at a champagne brunch down at the beach currently. On my way to Disneyland for a few hours then I'm not sure what. I'm taking a business trip to Seattle at the end of October and am looking forward to seeing my friends.

I have a ton of pics to share but I haven't been home to download them!

Go LA Kings!

I'm at a hockey game. I love me some Jack Johnson! More later.

The TO DO List

1. Find a way to sell my house because then I would actually have money.
2. Get my Cali driver's license. The last appointment I had I missed because I circled the parking lot for an hour trying to get a parking space.
3. Find out why my shoulders hurt and get then fixed so I can join the local boxing club and make them hurt again.
4. Find a way to get my backlog caught up at work without killing myself so everyone will shut the fuck up and I can have a life.
5. Go to tbe dentist.
6. Give the pups a bath. Stinky little fuzzbutts.

I like to breathe.

But make no mistake, I'm not holding my breath.

Coffee Date

Well I went on my coffee date today despite my not wanting to date anymore. It was actually very nice. He is a nice man. We met up at a quaint little coffee shop at Laguna Beach. It was gorgeous outside and we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean drinking our coffee. We talked for 2 hours. He asked if he could see me again and when I said yes, he got a big smile on his face. When we said our goodbyes he gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek. Very sweet.

No more online dating!

My therapist (who I have to talk to on the phone with now because he is in WA) has declared, "No more online dating for you." LOL! I have to say I agree. I will not be renewing. This is insanely stupid. I will just have to hope to meet someone the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, all I do is work and come home so that will be difficult, but I need a life anyway. He asked me what some things are I would like to do for self-fulfillment and my answer was digital photography classes and maybe volunteering with a local Cairn Terrier rescue group. So perhaps I will look into those things rather than spend hours online.

Thank you.

Oh also, before I forget, to all of you wonderful people who have been leaving your kind and encouraging comments, thank you. It means a lot to me and I apologize for being lax in my response. Thanks for putting up with my crazy venting and complaining. ;-)

Ketosis

Seven days in Ketosis and I'm down 7 pounds. I feel great! 57 pounds total! This is amazing! I am going to get to my goal weight fast and I really never thought I could. The down side is stretch marks. UG. No bread, no potatoes, no sugar, no dairy, no alcohol, no cheat meals. It isn't as hard as I thought! Once you get to your goal weight you can go back to a normal, balanced diet and then just do "maintenance" ketosis once or twice a year for a few weeks to detox. Totally doable.

The new guy I've been talking to asked me out for coffee so we will see how that goes. OMG this blog is turning into the Jerry Fucking Springer show.

I'm trying to get back up on the horse.

I have been talking with someone new and he is much different. A little older, sophisticated. Refreshing. Not boring, but not too intense either. I am guarded, but not bitter. He is local. I give up on trying so hard and have decided to just "be". I just hope I don't have to notify the authorities about my online liasons anymore. UG

It has been pouring here the last few days. Feels like home! LOL. I miss my nightly swims though, a little too chilly. I miss my Ma, too. She is coming back Saturday! She keeps me laughing and makes me go outside. Hehe. I tend to isolate when alone.

Scammer

I was right. He is a scam artist. I took care of the situation. He won't be calling anymore. ;-) How do these people find me?

Leave me alone!

Crap. He called and called and texted and emailed. I finally gave in and answered. He isn't letting go. Gary. Why is everything so complicated? Why can't anything ever be simple?

Question for the guys out there.

I am a little old fashioned and believe the man should pursue the woman, but since I am new to dating (haven't since, oh, 1992 or so), I want to know if men still prefer that. I would NEVER ask a guy out, but with online dating, do you think it is a turn off for a woman to "wink" first, or should I wait for the wink? Just curious. I've always been told that if a guy (a real man) is interested he will make the first move and doesn't want the woman to, likes a little challenge. I have no clue. I can't change who I am, but wondering if a little flirting first is OK. I am looking for a quality guy, not some pretty boy idiot.

Grocery Shopping with CrazyDogMama

I'm in love with Ideal Protein Products, they are YUMMY. I got sick of Bistro MD and it became too expensive. I did lose 50 pounds, but what I'm doing now is working really well and I love what it is doing to my body (getting everything right on the inside). It is reasonable because you do your own dinners and sauces/spices. (Walden Farms for those!) Since I like to cook and like fresh food it works better for me. I will also be off ALL my medications within 3 months or so. Yay! It's a bitch at first, though. My body is so completely messed up. Once I am out of detox (phase 1) I will start on P90X. I can't workout that hard with limited carbs, so for now I am walking, swimming and doing some weights, but not to the point of muscle failure. I'm thinking my dating life will improve with a kickass body. Men are all about the visual. LOL. First thing I'm going to do when I reach my goal is buy myself a sexy evening dress from Chico's and go OUT. I am also going to post a pic of me in a bikini that day. Oh YES, I will! I have a GREAT support team right now that is rooting for me every step of the way. I have made good strides, now for the home stretch!

Detoxing

Me, my new lipstick and my leopard hair thingee.

It's been a rough couple of days detoxing. I am not eating sugar, bread, pasta or any dairy for a time. I am on a doctor's program to get the last of the weight off and get completely healthy. It comes with a price. A monster headache for starters. It will get easier, and I will feel great in a month or so. I need to get my hormones in balance, my insulin regulated and all the poison food out of my system.

Disney Halloween Time!

OMG the "scary" Space Mountain is WAY cool! I'm such a nerd, but I LOVED the ghoul effects and sinister music! The outside was all lit up too, with psychedelic colors. Went after work with my second mom (my Godmother Cathy) and we had such a great time, eating ginger pastries with eggnog anglaise sauce, shopping, and Halloween Haunted Mansion. If the park had stayed open longer, we would have rode Space Mt 5 times in a row! We finished up with a mocha at the La Brea Bakery and I bought a sexy new lipstick at Sephora in Downtown Disney. I do love living here!

Can't sleep.

Too hot. It was 105 today. My evening dip in the pool only cooled me off for 10 minutes. UG.

Gary keeps calling me but I don't answer anymore. Something weird happened and I don't want any part of it. I don't want to say much more about it, but it isn't good and I think I will let this go and continue to wait for a real man. One that I can make happy and one that will make me happy in return; less the frigging drama. Life is too short to settle for anyhing less.

Mario is doing well at work and I like bossing him around. LOL.

All the snot has finally left my body. GOOD GOD there was a lot of it. I know I know, TMI. But you know to expect that here.

It is quiet tonight. Not even a cricket.

Wow, I haven't blogged for a whole week!

Can't remember the last time I did that.

Odd week. It started off taking Mario into emergency to get stitches. His story to tell. I was super sick for about 5 days. Work is frustrating me, and the challenges are overwhelming. I am tired. There is something going on with Gary, but I can't talk about it on the blog yet. Not until I know more myself. Living alone in a big house with a pool is a lot of work. Went to "The Reef" for dinner with coworker friends on Wednesday and it was good, had prime rib. Went shopping and took my second mom to lunch yesterday for her belated birthday. Going to get my nails done today and then lay in sun and swim. Going to Disneyland Wednesday night for a Halloween special thing.

That sums it up. LOL!

I will post a much better post later when I am not feeling lame.

Wild Orchid

Ya, the older movie with Mickey Rourke. I watched it this evening. I saw it while scanning the channels and had never seen it. Apparently it was mediocre at best in its time only receiving 2 stars out of 5, however I found it oddly erotic. Few movies do that for me and most I have seen in the last few years have either bored me or given me zero hope in future passion. It certainly made ME want to be seduced by a sexy millionaire in Rio Di Gennaro! What has happened to that kind of sexual passion anyway?

Doing Laundry CrazyDogMama Style

Instead of carrying it all down the stairs, huck it over the railing so you can carry your gimpy dog down the stairs instead. And yes, I always have that much laundry, I have lots of clothes.

Still have a sore throat and a drippy nose but I'm better. I have to admit I really miss Gary. I really, really miss him. Maybe he will forgive me for being a mess. I don't know. I'm kinda down today. Been crying a little. I know, I'm pathetic.

Fear is stupid.

It is not natural. Understandable, but not natural. It is learned behavior. Love, joy, anger, peace, those are natural. Fear is made up; all in your head. It can be overcome. I can overcome it. Being cautious and using common sense is good, but fear will keep you from life. From love. I should have nothing to fear. My life is my own, the future is unknown, but shouldn't be feared. I want to be in the present. Not the past, not the future, but RIGHT NOW. Moments in time can never be brought back. Today, this minute, this thought, this post. I do believe if something is meant to be, it will be. No matter how much you avoid it or go after it, it's longevity will only succeed if it is meant to be. I think we all interfere too much with everything. Let go. I also still believe paths cross for a reason. It changes both people in some way.

I'm feeling better. My second mom came over today and made me homemade chicken soup. Bless her big heart.

I had to take poor Lou to the vet, something was lodged in his paw. His paw is fine now, but he is taking an awfully long time to come out of his stupor from the meds. Breaks my heart to him this way. Been loving on him. Even tried to sing to him but he looked up at me with glossed over eyes that said, "Please, please stop Mama". 

Even my eyeballs hurt.

I'm really sick. And I'm confused. I'm sick, I'm alone, I'm stressed about the work piling up, and the person I was excited about is all of a sudden gone because I am afraid. I know it was probably a bad idea, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. What a mess. Louie is limping too. He won't use his front left paw. I've looked at it but can't find anything wrong and I'm too sick to get him to the vet. Bloody hell.

Dumpsville

Well it sounds like we all agree that it is dumpsville for Gary. Damn. Oh well, gotta wade through the sharks before you find a nice fish I guess. God, I hate drama.

Mario (pictured) took me to dinner last night for the best carne asada I've EVER had! It was his thank you to me for the job. He also told me to run from red flag man. In fact, he was quite emphatic about it, so I will never hear the end of it if I fail to heed the warning.

Oh, and I have the flu. Woke up to a sore throat and 102 fever. I'm dying.

The drawing board.

Yup, I screwed it up. He is upset with me. But if he can't understand my fears and what I've been through, screw him. Back to the drawing board, I guess. Fuck.

Too Perfect

It's official. I'm tweaking. I can't help it. I'm too afraid. He has to be lying about something, it's too perfect. I may have screwed things up.

Table Legs

This scared the holy living crap out of me. Gives a whole new meaning to table legs! Ha! Courtesy of the "Roadhouse Bar and Grill"

What a wonderful world.

I know, you aren't used to hearing that from CrazyDogMama. LOL.  Just having a good time right now, trying not to ruin it by wondering when it will all end. Ma is going back to WA tonight, taking her to the airport soon. Mario gets back from Chicago tonight and I'm one week closer to seeing Gary. It is so cute, both my mom and I are always either on the phone to our men (she is seeing someone too) or fighting over the computer. Gary and I wake each other up a lot since we are 8 hours apart right now, but we don't care and still stumble to the computer to chat anyway. You should have heard me on the phone with Verizon Wireless trying to set up international calling, I was getting frustrated with the clerk and ending up saying "I just wanna frigging call Nigeria - make it so I can do that NOW!" LOL! Love makes you do very silly things, I think. Is it love? Who knows, what's that? Who cares, I love the way this feels, that is all I know.

Back to work tomorrow to the craziness. I had a great 4 days off. I am going to take two weeks off in October when Gary gets here, so I have to get everyone trained and things running smoothly!