Office project, complete.

I no longer have piles and piles of stuff and boxes on the floor (see pic from earlier post), I put a bunch of clutter into the garage sale pile, I sorted through junk and papers and purged them, and vacuumed and dusted. I'm tired now.

The next step is picking out colors and painting, then designing a desk/bookshelf to build because the one I have is garbage. One thing at a time.

Saturday Morning Fun

Wanna fuck up your Saturday morning? Pay bills. Unless you have a lot of money, then in that case, just fuck you. ;-) Seriously, though, I need to do these things during the week, because it sets a bad tone for the weekend to start off seeing how much money I don't have to spend. It makes me want to crawl back into bed, put the sheets over my head, and not get back out until Monday morning. But here we are. I must continue on; it is what it is.

Maggie and Daddy. She also needs to be groomed, badly. Gah.

I'm not a groomer.

My poor badly groomed dog. His face is supposed to be much fuzzier. I keep telling him it will grow out. He's all mopey about it.

Well, I survived the first 3 days of my new job. It has been a big change for me, and all the walking has made my butt and hips sore. Shutty. I know.

I apparently woke up yelling "Get out!" LOL.

I think I've lost the ability to blog in any sort of organized fashion.

I'm working in the city now.

Really bad cell phone pics of Seattle around where I work. Today was better. Getting into the trenches.

First Day

I'm so exhausted. First day was overwhelming. I'm feeling a bit like a fish out of water at the moment. Working at a big company in downtown Seattle is a WHOLE lot different than working at a small private company on the cush, slow-paced Eastside. I have my own office (yay!), but I don't have a view. Yet. And I have to walk about a mile to the building from where I have to frigging park. Today it was rainy and windy. BUT I have a job (a good one) and I'm VERY thankful.

Yes, Juice, the commute sucks, and no, Nichole I don't work at Fred Hutchinson. I'll tell you where I work if you email me, I need to be careful on the blog these days.

Once I figured out what floor I work on, I then got stuck in the bathroom. There is good smelly lotion in there and after I washed my hands, I put some on. I then could not open the door with the big heavy round knob. I had to use my shirt to get it open, and even then, it took me a few minutes. Yeah, I'm doing great! What a loser. LOL.

I am now enjoying a LARGE adult beverage. Nighty night.

Aaaahhh!

Holy shit I'm overwhelmed! Breathe in, breathe out. Calm. I can do this.

Parking Lot Blogging

I'm sitting in the grocery store parking lot blogging. I did not get, nor intend to get groceries. I'm not sure why I'm here. I am smoking a cigarette (shut up) and drinking a flat Pepsi left over from lunch. Yes, this is who you are reading.

My last day at my contract job today was a little sad. I wouldn't have thought it would be, but I actually made a friend I will miss. I was only there 3 months, but it was pretty cool. I am starting a job tomorrow a little unlike anything I've ever done before. It's in the city, it has more than 50 employees, and it is Biotech. (I previously was in medical device.) I need to put my 'A' game on, and I guess that is why I'm nervous. It is exciting, too, but my life has been a bit topsy turvy and I need to make sure I am focused.

3 Day Headache

We've rolled around to Monday again and I have 6 gazillion things to do before Wednesday. Ug. I have had a 3-day headache and am going to try and get in to see my Chiropractor today because I think it has to do with my back and neck. I'm a violent sleeper.

We had some excitement at the CrazyDogMama household this past weekend. Two young guys were causing trouble in my front yard destroying property and yelling and fighting. One guy was trying to restrain the other who was clearly either drunk or hopped up on drugs. Totally out of control. I called 911. The cops came and surveyed the damage, but the boys were long gone by the time the fuzz arrived. Crap! My neighborhood is going to shit. I hate that.

Nervous about the new job.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say on this stupid thing. It's true, I'm kind of a sad person, and I rollercoaster all over the place, but I've experienced a lot of loss. Loss of family, loss of friends, loss of a job and loss I can't even explain. Loss I've not talked about. I've done things I'm not proud of, and I've experienced betrayal and deceit. Some days I get through just fine and smile and laugh, and others I just curl up in a ball and don't talk to anyone. I guess that's normal. But it doesn't feel normal. What do you do when you can't seem to get over something and can't snap out of a funk? I've been to therapy. Sick of that. I'm just praying now. I'm starting my new job on Wednesday and I'm a little nervous. So much change in such a short amount of time. This is some serious bullshit rambling, huh? I butchered the poor dog. I feel so sorry for the poor little guy. He looks really silly.

Uncooperative

Putting the crazy back in CrazyDogMama. I'm grooming Louie today. I want to kill someone. He doesn't cooperate. AT ALL. There is hair EVERYWHERE.

I needed a drink.

Aaaaahhhh. Amaretto Di Saronno.

Office Project

Holy crap, what a complete mess. My office is a train wreck, much like my emotional stability of late. It is time to tackle this monster. I have NEVER in my life been this disorganized and messy. I'm usually the one people are calling to help them out with THEIR mess. Well, I can't stand it any longer!

My little life lessons/wisdom.

These aren't really that unique, but what the hell.

1. Expect the unexpected. The weirdest shit happens to me right out of the blue. SERIOUSLY.
2. The littlest thing can impact your life forever in a big way. And you won't necessarily know it until much later.
3. Cool earrings make all the difference in the world. I went a long time without wearing any earrings at all, then I started to again, and they change your whole appearance.
4. Someone will always find out.
5. My hairstylist told me that she took a poll, and most women think straight hair on women is more attractive and most men think curly hair is more attractive on women. I have naturally curly hair, and with this knowledge I still straighten my hair most days. Go figure.
6. Candles DO change your mood.
7. Hearing someone call someone else a 'stupid motherfucker' is funny. It just IS.
8. Writing in a blog can cause all KINDS of trouble.
9. If you really look, you can see that something good always comes out of something bad. I challenge you to look back on your own life and find this.
10. It is true that if you really love someone, their happiness becomes more important than your own.

There is no point in going over it all.

It is crisis after crisis around here. I'm not talking about breaking fingernails either, I mean REAL problems. Sometimes life and death ones. Thank God I'm calm in a crisis. I break down later, like yesterday. 8 hours of crying. Fun shit. But then it's over and I get back to work. It is that or a padded room, you know? (Sometimes the padded room sounds pretty good though.)

I've still got froggy throat and now a big UGLY fever blister on my lip. I look sexy, let me tell you. My head is starting to feel thick, too. Super.

The good news? It is time to go home. Buh bye.

Sometimes waking up is a waste of time.

I swear. I was going out to my car this morning and what do I find? The neighborhood teenagers have kicked my fence over AGAIN, but this time they destroyed the cemented post, so now it cannot be fixed. This makes my blood BOIL. I didn't do that kind of shit when I was young, toilet paper a house maybe, but not destroy property. If you see something on the news about a psychopathic woman running around in a Leatherface mask shooting teenagers with a BB gun, you'll know it's me. I'll plead insanity.

Frog

The lymphnodes in my neck are swollen and bulging, and I'm all froggy sounding. Actually, I sound like the demon in The Exorcist. What the hell? Laryngitis? I don't talk much, so it must be viral. Neat.

Happy Birthday, Amy!

Party Pics!

My friend Amy's birthday party bash. We talked, we drank and then they went to a piano bar, and I didn't go because I'm lame and wanted to go to bed.

Cherylisms

Before we begin, I have to define the Cherylism. "Creep Factor" is what makes a horror movie good. It means disturbing, brutal, disgusting or really unnerving. It is when you can leave the theatre and say, "That was fucking awesome".

OK, so now, how was "Friday the 13th"? Well, it wasn't bad, but it was lacking the Creep Factor. Even though nothing scares me, I need to feel something. It was entertaining, but I wasn't disturbed.

I finally got around to watching the "Saw" movies, which no one can believe it took me this long. I watched the first one and wasn't all that impressed except that it had a good twist. Much later I watched the second one and liked it, but it didn't have a rich enough Creep Factor for me, so I stopped watching them. Just last weekend I watched "Saw III". Awesome! GREAT Creep Factor! SO brutal! Loved it. You definitely have to watch the unrated version though. "Saw IV" was pretty good too and now I'm going to watch five this weekend.

I got the job!

OK, so HERE'S the news: I NAILED THAT JOB I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET SINCE LAST OCTOBER! Woohoo! The one I interviewed the first time for last November when I was in California. It took a number of interviews (including a five-hour face to face one!) and I received the offer letter last Wednesday. They were VERY thorough and picky, and I feel very honored that they chose me. I also feel blessed to get such a job in the state of the union. I gave notice at my contract job, which I felt terrible about yesterday. So, I can talk about it now. I was offered more money than I've EVER made with incredible benefits (no more Cobra!) and I will be working toward a goal that is near and dear to my heart, targeting cancer. My grandmother died of breast cancer.

I start the 25th in the heart of downtown Seattle on the waterfront not far from the Space Needle. It is in an area known as "Belltown". The commute will be a BITCH, but I am so excited. It will be a very challenging job for me, but I'm going to give it my all.

OK, Valentines Day. I'm going to go see the "Friday the 13th" remake. YAY! Full report when I get back, it looks well made. I am sick and twisted, aren't I? One minute I'm posting Bible verses, and the next talking about horror movies. LOL! That's me. Love me or don't. ;-)

Friday the 13th

I have to do something today that I have been dreading. Something I'm not good at but has to be done. Wish me luck with my words. I will need it. And of COURSE, it's Friday the 13th. Who wants to do a martini lunch? Oy.

Important Quote

Galatians 6:7-10 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.”

I don't usually post quotes from the Bible, but I am today. I read this, this morning, and it really stuck in my head, especially the "Let us not lose heart in doing good" part. It is so easy to lose heart, to give up, to stay pissed off. But it's not worth it. Carrying around anger and resentment only hurts YOU. It is an awful way to live. I gave that up a while ago, and while I still struggle with depression, I feel free of those other destructive emotions. Sure, I get grumpy like anyone else, but I'm not angry anymore. I spent MANY years hauling around that burden, and take it from me, it is NOT worth it. No good can come from it. Even to those that have hurt me I am trying to do good for, and it is quite redeeming. Not in a egotistical or smug way, but an honest and compassionate way. I like it much better.

Words to Live By

I was sent these little sayings yesterday, and at the moment they mean a lot to me.

1. Life is too short to wake up with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, but also love the ones who don't because you CAN! Love can change people.
2. Believe everything happens for a reason, because it does!
3. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
4. If it changes your life, let it!
5. Kiss slowly.
6. Forgive quickly.
7. God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.

Hello Blog Family!

I'm all giddy today. Don't faint. Things are looking up and certainly getting exciting around here. Some big changes for me and unique opportunities are afoot!

For Valentine's weekend I'm going to go see the new remake of "Friday the 13th" (so romantic!) and go to a friend's birthday party. So, it's not sounding all that bad. Maybe February is finally changing for me!

Some funnies.

Motherload

Whoa! I have hit the motherload! I am so excited! Can't give details yet, but I will soon, I promise. It's big.

In other news, I'm freezing, and I still have cramps. I know, ya'll think I'm Bi-Polar or something don't you? LOL.

Funny boss story.

My glasses have fallen off of the top of my head at least 40 times this morning. I need to keep them on my face, but I am constantly putting them up to hold my hair away from my face, and if I slightly lean forward or backward, they go flying. Good thing there is carpeting here. ARG.

My boss keeps putting these boxes full of parts on top of my filing cabinets, and to mess with him, I give him a hard time about them being in my way constantly. A day or so ago, I put my hands on my hips and said, "These boxes are still here, have we not talked about this?" in a sarcastic tone. All of a sudden, as he was standing next to them, he reached out his arm very dramatically and did a complete SWOOP and sent the box flying; little parts going EVERYWHERE. He calmly smiled and said "Better?". It startled the shit out of me and TOTALLY took me by surprise, and I started laughing so hard until I was crying. Then he started laughing, as well as the other temporary employee. It was just classic. Too funny.

Crampy

Why haven't I posted today until now? Because I have cramps from HELL. I am seriously grumpy about it. Do not approach. Everything that has pissed me off in the last, say, month or so, is highly exaggerated to me at moment.

I Love Quotes

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom."
-Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D.

“It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.”
-Voltaire

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."
-Italian Proverb

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

"As a human being, one has been endowed with just enough intelligence to be able to see clearly how utterly inadequate that intelligence is."
-Albert Einstein

"Once integrity is lost, the rest is a piece of cake."
- J.R. Ewing

Jean Bling

Not, I am not 12 years old, I found these jeans in the ADULT WOMEN's section a few months ago. They have beaded hearts on them, and they are way cool.

Back in the Saddle

Had a pretty nice Sunday. Woke up to a little snow this morning and a beautiful full moon. This should be an interesting week. I'm waiting on some (potentially big) news about a possible job. Spent a nice day yesterday having breakfast (eggs benedict, my favorite!) and then took some old movies I didn't want any more back to "Half Price Books" and exchanged them for some good old horror movies and a few chick flicks, then went back home and cooked a yummy apple smoked pork loin with homestyle potatoes. It was quite good. Fell asleep early and actually got more than 8 hours of sleep! I did wake up a few times, but I feel rested today.

One could say I'm "Back in the Saddle" again. Think Aerosmith. But then it would be "Baaaaaaaack in the Saddle", LOL!

All is Quiet on the Western Front

I left work early on Friday to get my taxes done and am only getting enough back to pay the guy doing them. I made too much last year (um, what?) and my itemized deductions were less this year. I wasn't feeling up to going out after that, so I went home and crashed. This morning I had one of my headaches, and have had it all day, so I have been very quiet and not moving a whole lot. I took a break from the computer, hence my absence. Sometimes it just needs to be shut off. I should shut it off for the whole weekend, but I'm not that strong yet.

My headache is gone now, but the house is a mess. I guess it is time to clean. Last week was challenging for me and I'm hoping for a better week next week.

I have a look.

Another classic "CrazyDogMama" look. Pissed off and evil. I know I need a new look. I'll work on it, OK?

I am a doofus.

I deleted the last post by accident, and it had a comment! I get so few of those, so damn! It wasn't my best stuff, so no biggie, but I keep doing that! Maybe I should delete THIS retarded post by accident.

The body I am striving for.

I will probably have to cut down on the Oreo's and oatmeal pies. I feel this is the perfect "balance". Strong and sexy, yet not *too* muscular or man-like. I want to keep my boobs and my curves. I'm going to have Skwigg help me with a "head transplant" so that I can put the pic on my refrigerator. (A head transplant is where you take a digital photo of your own head and put it on whatever body you want.) It is a great motivator. When it's done, I'll post it. I don't need the bikini or the body builder platform shoes, but it would be nice to be able to wear things I haven't been able to for a long time. There are so many reasons to strive for a strong body, but my health is starting to go to the birds, so I better get started sooner rather than later.

Sleeping on the job.

I'm really sleepy today. I almost fell asleep driving to work. NOT GOOD. I kept waking up last night because I thought I heard someone calling my name. Weird. At one point I just said "WHAT? Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!" into thin air, to no one. If that doesn't prove I'm crazy, nothing will. I hope it wasn't God trying to get my attention. *Shutter*

I am also starving. I could eat an entire cow right now. My tummy is making really loud grumbly noises and I'm starting to get cranky. I do not like being hungry.

There are so many things I'm anxious to talk about, but I have to wait, and you know how I am with patience. Soon, though.

One more random thing for this disorganized post; I almost went catatonic yesterday. I was going to the ladies' room, and upon opening the door, my Crackberry went flying! (Yes, I take it to the restroom with me. Shut up.) I froze with fear as I watched it break into three pieces. I pounced on it and THANK THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY (I'm serious), I was able to put it back together. There are few things that give me joy right now and losing "The Precious" would tip me right over the edge.

No kittens were harmed.

Now that I'm somewhat sane again and not wanting to rip the heads off kittens, I thought I would post. I actually found it amusing that almost no one said anything, it was like you were all whispering, "Shh, her vision is based on movement.". OK, you know what? You'd lose it too if you were me! So there! I did get a really sweet comment about my smile on an earlier post that put me in a better mood. It's amazing what a little kindness can do for your spirits. :-)

Confessions

Um, YES, I need to get laid, and YES, I am going to. Eventually. Soon. NOW if I could. So shutty. ;-)

Yes, I just said that on the internet. What haven't I said on the internet?

Super, now I can't concentrate. LOL.

Pressure

OK, I lost it. It happens. I have a tremendous amount of pressure on me right now and I'd rather lose it in writing than on somebody.

Something I found intriguing.

No one seems to understand what is about to befall this country. So be it. How is that for saying what I want to say? No one listens anyway, so whatever. People see what they want to see.

SOMETHING OF HISTORIC PROPORTIONS IS HAPPENING
By Tim Wood 2008 December 1

I am a student of history. Professionally. I have written 15 books in six languages and have studied history all my life. I think there is something monumentally large afoot and I do not believe it is just a banking crisis, a mortgage crisis or a credit crisis.

Yes, these exist, but they are merely single facets on a very large gemstone that is only now coming into a sharper focus. Something of historic proportions is happening. I can sense it because I know how it feels, smells, what it looks like, and how people react to it. Yes, a perfect storm may be brewing, but there is something happening within our country that has been evolving for about ten - fifteen years. The pace has dramatically quickened in the past two years.

We demand and then codify into law the requirement that our banks make massive loans to people we know they can never pay back. Why?

We learned just days ago that the Federal Reserve, which has little or no real oversight by anyone, has "loaned" two trillion dollars (that is $2,000,000,000, 000) over the past few months, but will not tell us to whom or why or disclose the terms. That is our money, yours and mine.

And that is three times the 700 billion we all argued about so strenuously just this past September. Who has this money? Why do they have it? Why are the terms unavailable to us? Who asked for it? Who authorized it?

I thought this was a government of "we the people," who loaned our powers to our elected leaders. Apparently not, they now control us. We have spent two or more decades intentionally de-industrializing our economy. Why?

We have intentionally dumbed down our schools, ignored our history, and no longer teach our founding documents of why we are exceptional, and why we are worth preserving.
Students by and large cannot write, think critically, read, or articulate. Parents are not revolting, teachers are not picketing, and school boards continue to back mediocrity. Why?

We have now established the precedent of protesting every close election (now violently in California over proposition 8 that is so controversial that it wants marriage to remain between one man and one woman. Did you ever think such a thing possible just a decade ago?).

We have corrupted our sacred political process by allowing un-elected judges to write laws that radically change our way of life, and then mainstream Marxist groups like ACORN and others to turn our voting system into a banana republic. To what purpose?

Now our mortgage industry is collapsing, housing prices are in free fall, major industries are failing, our banking system is on the verge of collapse, social security is nearly bankrupt, as is Medicare and our entire government, our education system is worse than a joke (I teach college and know precisely what I am talking about) the list is staggering in its length, breadth, and depth. It is potentially 1929 x ten.

And we are at war with an enemy we cannot name for fear of offending people of the same religion, who cannot wait to slit the throats of your children if they have the opportunity to do so.
And now we have elected a man no one knows anything about, who has never run so much as a Dairy Queen, let alone a town as big as Wasilla, Alaska. All of his associations and alliances are with real radicals in their chosen fields of employment, religion and everything we learn about him, drip by drip, is unsettling if not downright scary (Surely you have heard him speak about his idea to create and fund a mandatory civilian defense force stronger than our military for use inside our borders? No? Oh, of course the media would never play that for you over and over and then demand he answer it. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter and $150,000 wardrobe is more important.)

Mr. Obama's winning platform can be boiled down to one word: change. Why?
I have never been so afraid for my country and for my children as I am now. This man campaigned on bringing people together, something he has never, ever done in his professional life.

In my assessment, Obama will divide us along philosophical lines, push us apart, and then try to realign the pieces into a new and different power structure.

Change is indeed coming. And when it comes, you will never see the same nation again. And that is only the beginning to a world social government. I thought I would never be able to experience what the ordinary, moral German felt in the mid-1930's. In those times, the messiah was a former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the average German knew next to nothing. What they did know was that he was associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage through great oratory and promises.

Economic times were tough, people were losing jobs, and he was a great speaker. And he smiled and waved a lot. And people, even newspapers, were afraid to speak out for fear that his "brown shirts" would bully them into submission.

And then, he was duly elected to office, a full-throttled economic crisis at hand [the Great Depression]. Slowly but surely he seized the controls of government power, department-by- department, person-by-person, bureaucracy- by-bureaucracy.

The kids joined a Youth Movement in his name, where they were taught what to think. How did he get the people on his side? He did it promising jobs to the jobless, money to the indigent, and goodies for the military-industrial complex.

He did it by indoctrinating the children, advocating gun control, health care for all, better wages, better jobs, and promising to re-instill pride once again in the country, across Europe, and across the world.

He did it with a compliant media; did you know that?

And he did this all in the name of justice and 'CHANGE'.

And the people surely got what they voted for. (Look it up if you think that I am exaggerating. )
Read your history books.

Many people objected in 1933 and were shouted down, called names, laughed at, and made fun of. When Winston Churchill pointed out the obvious in the late 1930's while seated in the House of Lords in England (he was not yet Prime Minister), he was booed into his seat and called a crazy troublemaker. He was right, though.

Don't forget that Germany was the most educated, cultured country in Europe. It was full of music, art, museums, hospitals, laboratories, and universities.

And in less than six years, a shorter time span than just two terms of a U.S. presidency, it was rounding up its own citizens, killing others, abrogating its laws, turning children against parents, and neighbors against neighbors, all with the best of intentions of course. The road to Hell is always paved with them.

As a practical thinker, one not overly prone to emotional decisions, I have a choice: I can either believe what the objective pieces of evidence tell me (even if they make me cringe with disgust); I can believe what history is shouting to me from across the chasm of seven decades; or I can hope I am wrong by closing my eyes, having another drink, and ignoring what is transpiring around me.

Some people scoff at me, others laugh, or think I am foolish, naive, or both. Perhaps I am. But I have never been afraid to look people in the eye and tell them exactly what I believe and why I believe it.

I pray I am wrong. Pray with me for the truth, because the truth will set us free.

Screw today.

I did not get a damn thing accomplished this weekend. I have so many projects I need to work on; back up my hard drive, organize my digital pictures, clean out my closet and get rid of clothes, finish painting, clean out the refrigerator and pantry, groom the dogs, the list goes on and on and on. I'm feeling unmotivated. I feel as though the life energy has been sucked out of my soul. How do you get that back? How do you crawl out of Satan's colon? I want to beat my own head against a wall, then shake the shit out of other people who are not cooperating with me. There are things that are REALLY BUGGING me. Things that do NOT add up or make sense. I used to think the world was black and white, it either IS or it ISN'T. But you know? Not that simple. You can assume things are that way, but there always seems to be some unexplained elements. Some things that throw a monkey wrench in the whole theory.

Life does NOT obey our expectations and it does not care about our agenda. Life has an agenda of its own and good luck going up against it.

How would we handle things if we could put fear aside? If you could do or say what you REALLY wanted to? How would that change your world?

Greetings fellow insomniacs!

Sometimes I really hate being alone with my thoughts. Don't you? Do you have things that dominate your thoughts like I do? Questions without answers, feelings that make no sense? Wanting to get up up out of bed, but feeling paralyzed in a way?

Yeah, me neither.

Oh, and the best commercials?

Definitely the Doritos/crystal ball one and the Bud Light one where the office guy gets hucked out the window. LOL! OK, and I did laugh at the "Hate your job?" one. "Hi Dummy!". Hehe.

The Game

You know what is funny today? My friend Jenny and I have been texting each other throughout the game, "Did you see that?", "Oh no!", "Go Arizona!", "Stupid Steelers!" We are both rather amped up and ticked off at the moment. We're like a couple of guys, you'd think we had bet money on the game or something. I don't even really like football. Go figure.

I'm not a big sports fan, but...

I really need to watch the Steelers lose today.

A very nice day.

My friend Jenny is the best. We click really well and we can both totally let our guard down and be ourselves around each other without worrying. It is so nice. We didn't do anything super exciting, just spent time together. Her cinnamon rolls turned out AWESOME, and her really great kids were my buddies for the day. She has 3 boys aged 8, 10 and 15, and they are the most well-behaved little gentlemen I've ever met. Now, you know how I feel about kids most of the time, right? I don't hate kids or anything, I just want to run when they are obnoxious and not well parented. For some reason, though, kids dig me. I think I've said something about this before, but to remind you, it is probably because I am the biggest sucker in the world, and I also talk to them like they are adults. Jenny knows all of this about me, so when her two youngest were hugging on me and asking me questions, then begged me to play cards with them, Jenny was watching with a big smile on her face. I taught them a new card game (2-card Gin Rummy) and they were all jazzed. Jenny just sat back and watched all of us and at the end of the night she told me how great I was with her boys and that it was so neat for her to watch. (That almost made me cry.) As weird as this is to admit, I enjoyed it. Her kids, I mean. They made me laugh and I haven't felt that way for a long time. Plus, I didn't swear at all! (Just so you know.) LOL. Maybe I should have had kids. Oh well. I'll just hang out with everyone else's. My stepson is all grown up now and I don't see him much, but we still have a great relationship. He calls me every once in a while, to see how I'm doing. He is a sweetheart, too. He has always called me "His Crazydogmama".

Ridiculous Selfies, and Gigantic Cinnamon Rolls

An actual picture of me smiling with teeth, something rare to see.

The cinnamon roll baking adventure was fun, we got very sticky. OMG, they were warm and ooey and gooey goodness. Swoon.

Getting Up

Even though I don't sleep well, getting up is harder than hell. I like being warm and cozy and away from the pressures and torments of life. Instead, I can just lay here and put together life in my head the way I really want it. This past week took a big toll on me, and my body. I think I aged a few years. I woke up just a few minutes ago still in my clothes and makeup from yesterday.

I'm going to spend the day with a girly friend of mine making homemade cinnamon rolls from scratch. (she used to work in a bakery.)

LOL

Paid to blog!

It's official, I'm getting paid to blog! Yes! I can't quite quit my day job yet, but it's a start. Now I can justify my posting of stupid crap a gazillion times a day. I need some more traffic now.

Spread the word, tell your friends! Help me to write for a living about stupid stuff! :-)

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

"Live by the sword, die by the sword" is a metaphorical expression meaning that living one's life in a certain way will, in the end, affect one's destiny. The proverb comes from the Book of Matthew, verse 26:52, which describes the apostle Peter drawing a sword to defend Jesus against Roman soldiers, but is told to sheath the weapon:

"Then said Jesus unto him, put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."
-Matthew 26:52, King James Version

While the expression strictly interpreted means “those who live by violence will die by violence”, it is also used for a variety of situations which contain an element of poetic justice. For instance, the proverb could be used to describe a person who regularly drives under the influence and is ultimately killed in a vehicle accident caused by their intoxication. A deeper meaning alludes to "those who judge will be judged" in reference to Mathew 7:2 and Luke 6:37 which can also be interpreted as poetic justice for those observed to be wrongfully condemning others. Other variants on this phrase are also commonly used.

I like to think of it as "what goes around comes around". It truly will, my friends. Eventually. A man who spends his life bitter, will die a bitter man. I think sometimes all of us lose sight of things. We get consumed with the details and frustrations of life and forget who we are, and who we need to be. Maybe even, who we used to be. I had a conversation with a friend this morning about this and it brought some things into perspective for me. I know who I am. I may not know what the hell I'm doing (LOL), but I know who I am. I also know who I'm striving to become. It is getting easier and easier to let things go, to forgive, to care even when it seems futile, to simply know that all will meet its own fate and that I need not worry myself with so many things. Yes, I worry about how to pay the bills and whatnot, but in the grand scheme of things, what the hell does fear accomplish? NOTHING. It just makes you sick. I am a glowing testament. Sometimes it is necessary to take action, and sometimes it is necessary to sit back and breathe. Let nature take its course, so to speak. I believe I am in a time of waiting and watching. I asked for peace and prayed for wisdom. Seems ironic there was an earthquake right after that, ha! But I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today, so my prayer was answered. My problems are not yet solved, but I'm sure a solution will present itself soon.

OK, I've gone from Dark, to Deep here in the last few days. Let's see what could be next. Delusional? Demented? Deranged? Dorky? I know what my best guess is, what's yours?

All Shaken Up

We just had an earthquake!! WHEEE! Knocked me off balance a bit. Dogs are barking. Something fell over somewhere.

Earthquakes can be scary, but as long as no one is hurt and properties are not destroyed or damaged, I think they are great fun! When a bunch of people are hurt though, then not so much. That's a different story.

New Friends

I've made lots of new friends online lately, and I wanted to mention one in particular. I believe I have a kindred spirit over at "The Truth Hurts". Jeffery is an excellent poet and writes from the heart. Something I can appreciate! He apparently ran across my blog accidentally and decided to join my "Follow My Blog" list. I just noticed it and started reading his blog today, but I'm intrigued already and know I will enjoy his style. Go check him out!

There has been such a flurry of activity on my Crackberry lately, holy MOLY. I am getting about 100 emails a day that I have to return, and it feels like a full-time job! That PLUS text messages, blogging, keeping up with my daily reads and trying to work! I am busy, that's for sure. It is my hobby, though, so I enjoy it. At least it keeps me from staring into space or drooling into a cup, which is what I'd probably be doing right about now.

Anyway, I am tired from the week of insomnia and sickness, so I'm going to turn in early. Until the wee hours my beloved readers, keep it real.

Photographer?

A little bit of good news to pick me up off of the floor. I've been asked (hired) to do some photography work for a little cash. Also, I might sell-out and advertise on my blog. I may as well get paid to bitch and whine. Oh, and I found my "safe" food for the moment. (Food that doesn't come back up.) Oreos. I guess I'll be living on Oreos for a while. Awesome.

GRRR

I know I have been a great joy to read lately.

I just don't do "fake" well. If I'm having a certain emotion, you know it. No guessing. When I am in trouble, I have to hash it out in writing. I understand if you want to leave and go read more inspirational blogs. I don't have much to offer in that category right now, sorry. But if real and raw is what you are looking for, hi! Some people just can't handle me, though. That's OK, but please don't go down the "you're too negative path", I will personally have to find you and punch you in the head.

Life has taken a serious turn for me, and I truly do not know what to do. I'm at a complete loss. I guess this is where faith comes in, although I have zero faith in humankind right now. I could experience more hardship and pain, or everything could turn on a dime. Who knows? I'm trying to find some hope. Something to look forward to. Something to care about. It is not easy. Some days I just want to drive off of a cliff and other days I think I'm being prepared for some kind of destiny. You know, because I'm so special and all. Pfft.

Well, this "Booze-Hound Bimbo" (I swear I'm going to have that made into a T-shirt! LOL!) is going to have a drink tonight. I need a break from reality. Yep, someone that doesn't know me at all called me that after reading a post or two from my blog, and for some reason it made me laugh really hard because not only am I a cheap date (one drink and I'm buzzed), but I'm fully educated with a degree. Not that any of that is reflected here on the CDM Bloggery. Oh well, pride is overrated.

The most dangerous thing.

They say the most dangerous thing is to lose hope. Well, that can certainly be true, but what I've found is that the most dangerous thing is to not even know what to hope FOR. I woke up this morning after very broken sleep, feeling very numb. Very disappointed. I don't know what to do. I have no clue. I don't know how to be; what to think. I just drove into work like a programmed robot. What is my next move? How do I survive? Do I care what happens?

I don't feel well. My stomach churns. My head pounds. My chest aches. I do not have the flu. If you want happy and warm and fuzzy, this is not the place for you hang out, I guess. I tell you what's real for me. No BS. No manufactured sunshine. This is how it is. I'm surviving, for now, but what is next? How long will I last? How do I write this next chapter? Life is what you make it, right? But what if you aren't controlling it?

Saving Grace

“Saving Grace” by Everlast

One time around the block
Two times around the clock
Three times, don't cross the little lady (lady)
So pretty and, oh, so bold
Got a heart full of gold on a lonely road
She said, "I don't even think that God can save me" (save me)
(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me
Born alone, we die alone
'N' I'm just sittin' here by the phone
Waitin' for the Lord to send my callin'
Street wise from the boulevard
Jesus only knows that she tries too hard
She's only tryin' to keep the sky from fallin'
Any man who says it's Heaven and Hell
Prob'ly got somethin' useless to sell
You ask me if I'm saved, but what's it to ya?
Blow a quarter, cop another eight
You're runnin' out of high, you're losin' your faith
Throw your hands up and scream, "Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen
One time around the sun
Another year older and my work ain't done
It's time for me to write the final chapter (chapter)
Deal the cards and roll the dice
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll are my only vice
Tryin' to figure out just what's here after (here after)
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen

Anger Issues

I love the movie "Freeway". This and Pulp Fiction make me happy when I'm in a mood.

P.S. No, I'm not OK. Alive, but not OK. I'm not really talking to anyone right now.

God help me.

I can't sleep, what a surprise. I am stressing big time, trying to figure out what to do. It is just one thing after another around here, and I really am starting to have chest pains. I already have trouble keeping food down these days. I'm online trying to find a second job. Probably going to have to moonlight as a waitress again. Fun, fun, fun. I just feel like collapsing onto the floor in a big crying heap. I'm so tired. Maybe I should just not care anymore. Give up. I used to have all this hope (for many things), but one by one, those hopes and dreams are disintegrating into dust. What was I thinking? Good dreams don't come true. Not for me.

I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I came home to a disaster. I'm probably going to lose everything. Awesome.

I feel like I'm face down bleeding in the mud and people keep coming by beating me with crowbars. Maybe I'll have a heart attack with my "can't afford medical insurance" problem. Then no more problem! Wheee! Ain't life grand? Fuck ME.

You can always count on change.

No matter what your situation, good or bad, change is constant. You will never sit idle for too long, even if you try. Change will force itself on you. That is comforting to me right now. I'm sick of being in limbo, feeling like I'm floundering. I'm waiting for a few things so that I know how to proceed forward. Last Friday was part of that, but I didn't get enough info. Moving. When and where? I have made some tentative plans, but that could all change based on other things. Very frustrating. This on top of other things going on for me make for an unstable mood. Even as hard as I try to be positive and upbeat, constant blows can really bring you down. There have been so many for me. You know the old saying "God won't give you more than you can handle"? Well, damn, God must think I'm fricking Xena the Warrior Goddess or something. I've been put through the ringer, not just the last year, but for a while now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Perhaps. Or maybe what doesn't kill you now will kill you later. LOL. My blood pressure and cortisol levels can't be good right now. I'm not even going to bother with the doctor. Who cares, don't want to hear it.

Yes, I am in the "bad place" right now, and I have brought my blog with me. Forgive my dark posts, but perhaps you can relate. Don't leave me just yet, it will be a helluva ride for a while, but it will CHANGE. (See how I brought all that together? Yay me. Haha.) While it's true not every aspect of my life is discussed here, I am honest with regards to my blogging. I think it is beneficial to share some things. I know when I read other blogs, I can sometimes feel a sense of connection with someone who shares an interest or emotion. I think this explains the blogging phenomenon.

I also believe things happen for a reason. I don't always understand the reason, sometimes I don't like the reason and occasionally I never find out the reason, but I don't think we all just randomly walk the earth, or that things just happening willy-nilly. I can look back on many things in my life and understand why things happened the way they did, even if I was oblivious to the reason at the time it happened. Many times, what I thought was "bad" turned out to be a big blessing in disguise. For instance, I was fired once for something I didn't do, but didn't exactly think that was the grandest thing at the time. But, if that hadn't of happened, many, many good things would not have come to be. I think the people we cross paths with in this life are significant, too. Great friendships, life lessons, help for a season for one party or both, whatever it may be, it was meant to be, just the way it was, or is. I remember a girl I was friends with, in the 4th grade (Gigi), who had a big impact on the way my sense of humor turned out. Kinda cool, huh? I remember her so well. I wonder if she remembers me. She moved to my school in the 4th grade and left before the year ended. A short time for such a big impact, huh?

OK, I have rambled on for days here, trying to forget the darkness. I will go for now.

A message written for me today by no one I know.

I know you are seeking, "Which way do I go?" I know you are asking, "Where is the place for me?" There is a place that is perfectly suited. You will know it when you are there. You have thus far followed the right path, step by step. I know it has been difficult, and your heart is hurting, but your heart will be healed by God, who has your heart and will set you in the right place. This is a broad place where you will be received with love and joy. You will be needed in this place, even though at first it will not seem so. But continue to trust and have faith, and you will see later.

Guess that emotion.

Magadog

Magadog is trying to cheer me up. Dogs are the best. When you are feeling blue, like a worthless nothing nobody, a dog can make you feel like a somebody.

Tanking

I was feeling pretty good, then I tanked. I tanked hard. Life is awesome.

You know what is amusing to me?

When people underestimate me. When people do not know what I am capable of. When all they see is some blonde girl who likes to laugh at silly things and cuss up a storm. It has happened a lot in my life because people only know what I WANT them to know.

Sometimes at work it happens. I'll solve some problem some Harvard idiot who is mean to people has been working on for years. You should see the look on their faces. It is super entertaining. I am not the smartest person who ever lived by a long shot, but I have my moments. Life gets the best of me sometimes, though, just like everyone else. I battle with stupid depression and anxiety, and that skews my judgement occasionally.

I have had an interesting life. Much more interesting than what you read here. I have also seen and been through some incredibly horrific things. Things I don't talk about. I made a conscious choice a while ago to change who I used to be. I haven't always been the kind of person God would be proud of. (I'm still not, really.) I have done some really crappy things. I went to therapy to solve my anger issues, and I think I have. Which is good. Being angry and bitter and vengeful just makes you miserable inside, and you end up having so many regrets. I, for one, want to be the kind of person people WANT to know. Want to be with. Being kind and generous and compassionate brings more happiness than millions of dollars. When you can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, it is the best feeling in the world. No, I'm not perfect. FAR from it. BUT I'm trying to be a better person. I do love God, some of you know that. I will let HIM do the judging. However, for anyone who wishes me or those I care about harm, tread lightly.

Jinxed

Well, it has been a stupid day. I haven't felt well today and have been in bed for most of it. Now I'll be up all night. Awesome. I wanted to go on a movie date tonight with the hubs, but I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. I have a new friend over at "Jinxed". Funny! I have many stories to share there. I truly am JINXED.

Vino

This is last night's post that I didn't hit the send button on. Having a little vino. Unfortunately, I still can't tell you what I was doing today, it's still too early. Patience. It's overrated, isn't it?

Man, I'm tired this morning! It is entirely too early to be up on a Saturday.

Riddle Me a Lollipop

I answered the riddle of the day at the bank and got a lollipop. Now I'm off to my adventure!

Teriyaki

I am a HUGE teriyaki fan, and out of the billions I've tried, I like this one the best. Just so you know.

What am I up to, you ask?

Well, I'm forming some plans to have a life. I think I'm going to start having some fun. I've enjoyed the last couple of "nights out" I've had, and I think there just may be some more in store. I may know more tomorrow about some additional big changes for me, but I can't say until I'm sure. Don't want to be premature with this. I've been doing some thinking the last week or so and I'm feeling better and stronger now and maybe even a little feisty!

Up to no good.

Boy, it sure looks like I'm up to something. I think maybe I am.

Quiet

I've been rather quiet the last few days, I know. I have all these questions in my head that I can't answer.

Also, on Friday, I may find out that the gears of my life will shift yet again.

Team Sawyer

I get to dive into the world of LOST again soon. A much awaited and much needed escape. They better answer some QUESTIONS this season! I HATE waiting! I hate being confused!

 
So, girls, are you a Jack girl or a Sawyer (James) girl? I go back and forth.

I kind of feel LOST.