Blogger Award

Well, what do you know, I got a blogger award! It's from the very funny, and very sweet "Juice".

I am in a GOOD mood today! Don't fall over. What is going on you say? Well, vacation may be back on! Sometimes complaining DOES work! I'm going to have a big garage sale and sell everything, so I have money for the vacation. Really, the only things I need to survive are: Crackberry, Laptop, Camera, and Ezmerelda (my vehicle). I love my SUV, make fun of me if you want, but its comfy and big, and has leather seats, a butt warmer and a sunroof. 'Nuff said. Anyway, I will put off wanting to die until the end of August.

Here is where I will (hopefully) be staying for free. It's a real hell hole. HA.

One Word MEME from BOA

Where is your cell phone? Bra
Where is your significant other? Unknown
Your hair? Up
Your mother? Skinny
Your father? Heaven
Your favorite thing? Crackberry
Your dream last night? Trouble
Your favorite drink? Mocha
Your dream/goal? Happiness
The room you're in? Cubical
Your hobby? Photography
Your fear? God
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Unknown
Where were you last night? Home
What you're not? Normal
Muffins? Sweater (What? You’ve never heard of sweater muffins? LOL.)
One of your Wishlist items? Vacation
Where you grew up? Redmond
Last thing you did? Internet
What are you wearing? Blue
Your TV? Overused
Your pets? Ornery
Your computer? Laptop
Your life? Rollercoaster
Your mood? Sad
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? Saturn
Something you're not wearing? Underwear
Favorite store? Amazon
Your summer? Disappointing
Like someone? Yes
Your favorite color? Purple
When is the last time you laughed? Tuesday
Last time you cried? Monday

I have some wisdom today.

#1 - Do not ever go the gym angry. Your body will HATE you the next day. I cannot move and it's giving me a headache. Ow.

#2 - If you have misplaced some items and want to find them, here's what you do. Get in your car and drive about 80 miles an hour, then for no reason at all, slam on your brakes. Everything you've lost will come rolling out from underneath the seats. I found my mascara, a book and my water bottle.

I had the day from hell yesterday and was in a REALLY bad mood. Those are really fun. I'm still not in a good way, but I read two nice blog entries today and I was inspired. I'm trying to just keep plugging away, even if there feels like no reason to. I don't know why everything has to be so hard. I feel like I'm being put to some kind of test or something. Really, that's what it feels like. That is the perfect way to describe it. I can't remember what movie it is, but I think it was Charlie Sheen (of all people) who was doing it, maybe Platoon? Anyway, the scene is where he is kneeling and leaning back with his legs underneath him and he has his arms stretched out back behind him with his head tilted toward the sky. He is wailing and screaming, the kind of wailing where the very depth of your soul is crying out. That's what I've been feeling like. The kind of angst where your whole body is reacting. Where you've just had about all you can take of everything. You know the saying that "God won't give you more than you can handle"? God must think I can handle a lot, let me tell you. But I do have a roof over my head, food to eat, a good job and my health (for now). So, I'm blessed more than some. It is easy to feel sorry for yourself, but really, what a waste of time.

Don't get too attached to your money.

Financial chaos is ensuing. The stock market is continuing to tank and so is the dollar. Mark my words. I have no money, so I'm not all in a tizzy over it, but the world is coming unglued everywhere. I'm not even going to bother to post articles. Just turn on the 'censored' news, it's even on there. War with Iran coming? Probably. I'm all positive and cheery today. Just an FYI.

Life is Wonderful?

Remember that wonderful, much needed 2-week vacation in the land of sun and fun I was looking forward to the first two weeks in August? The vacation I was hyped about because I haven't been out of the Seattle area since 2001? The one where I would get two weeks off in A ROW which is something I haven't done in 10 years? Yeah, it's not going to happen. I don't know why I'm surprised. I still have the time off, but there is no point in taking it, because it is all I've got, and I don't want to waste it sitting on my big fat ass doing nothing. I may take a week and clean my home office. Awesome.

That is all I'm going to say about it. Don't ask because I FEEL like driving off a motherfucking cliff right now. I do not care about my cussing. I just don't care. Yup. In a good mood.

Monday Blues

I'm even listening to the blues. Ever heard of Candy Dulfer? ("Lily was Here" is really good.) No one my age has. I'm sure all my friends will be making fun of my eclectic taste in music at any moment, but nevertheless that's what I'm listening to this morning. A little jazz and some blues. I listen to music that goes with my mood. It could be AC/DC, it could be Country, it could be Jazz, or it could be the Blues. Whatever I'm feeling, I like everything. I'm also listening to "When the Lights Go Out" by The Black Keys. It's sexy music to me. Go figure. When I put together my photography site, I think I will use the Black Keys song as the background music, most of my photography has a "dark" element to it, so it would fit.

Herb Garden Project

I got (a little bit) of lead out. I kicked myself in the butt and decided to beautify my herb garden. It needed A LOT of help. I have been neglecting it. I am by no means a gardener, AT ALL. In fact, I am quite the black thumb. However, God as my witness, I'm trying to get better. I do love to cook with fresh herbs, and I inherited my dad's herbs, so I want to preserve them. I completely replanted my bowl in the stand with cilantro and dill, and also replanted and resoiled some parsley and chives. I just cut back and pruned the rest. I even scrubbed all of the pots and cedar planters! I killed the little tree that I got when my dad died, but my mom gave me hers, and I have actually kept it alive! And it's GROWING! So anyway, it took me a few hours, and I destroyed my French manicure, but I got some great before and after shots. I'm proud of myself! I also took a picture of my new bamboo plant. Love it!

I've literally been in bed ALL day.

There is something wrong with me. Who does that? I got up to pee. Let the dogs out. But then I just go right back to bed. I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. I'm not hungry. I still have a mess to clean up from Friday. Don't want to. Which isn't like me, I can't stand a mess. I'm forcing myself to get up right now. I'm forcing myself to blog. I had nightmares, so it wasn't restful sleep. I guess I should be thankful I got some sleep instead of the insomnia craziness. OK, that's all I've got in me.

It's going around.

I went and helped a friend today, and she is in bad shape like many of the rest of us. I just don't know what is happening, everywhere I turn, someone is going through hell. I got two more emails from friends in "dark places". I am feeling dark myself. I think I took too many anxiety pills yesterday. Someone could have blown up the house and I wouldn't have cared. Being numb is NOT good, though. However, sometimes feeling hopeless is just too much. I came home and collapsed, and I haven't even eaten. The friend I went and helped is feeling very overwhelmed, and I am feeling much the same way with all that is in front of me. The sad leading the sad is worse than the blind leading the blind. It is weird when you are in a funk, no matter how many people you have around you, you still feel alone. I know some of you guys out there are feeling that right now. Intense aloneness. I have no wisdom at the moment.

Sleeping Beauties. I'm so evil.

It's over, and I survived.

Except now I have 4 teenagers crashed out in my living room for the night.

They are watching my horror movies and eating my potato chips. It's kind of funny, you have to step over bodies no matter which way you go. (My house is a whopping 1100 square feet.) Here are a bunch of pics from the day. The dogs were more entertaining than the fireworks. You'll see why.

KABOOM.

My loving stepson just set off an M80 behind me without my knowledge. I almost dropped my Crackberry. NOT FUNNY.

Where's my Klonopin?

My Mother-In-Law brought the decorations and help set up my 4th of July party. My mom came up, and my stepson and his friends are coming later, along with my neighbor. I hope this goes well, I'm nervous.

Happy 4th of July!

I should be straightening up the house right now, but I'm not. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Jump out of a perfectly good airplane with a smile on my face? Sure! Wrestle a dangerous criminal to the ground and arrest him? Bring it! Stand outside jumping up and down with glee during an intense lightning and thunderstorm with metal all around me? Fun! Chase a dine-and-dasher out of a restaurant parking lot and tackle him in my apron? Awesome! Have family and some people I don't know well over for a BBQ on Independence Day? Take an extra anxiety pill and hide in my office blogging. I'm a whack job. Pure and simple. I make no sense. Death? No problem! Family and friends? HELP ME.

I'm sure you'll hear from me periodically throughout the day. I'll be the one in the corner taking pictures playing with her Crackberry. Social anxiety, yup. I do like blowing stuff up, though, and my neighborhood is always WWIII.

My New Crackberry

Yes, I call my Blackberry phone my "Crackberry" because the ADDICTION IS REAL.

Anyway, my boss told me to "get the hell out of here" at 1:30 today to start the holiday weekend early (he is so awesome), so I promptly left since all I was doing anyway was reading my Crackberry manual and doing setup. (I did SOME work, OK? Hardly anyone was there today.) I now am proficient! I went to get a pedicure and while she was making my feet prettier, I was checking email and surfing my favorite blogs, all the while sitting in a massage chair. It was 45 minutes of Heaven, people.

Yeah, I'm one of THOSE people now. The ones you get annoyed with because all they do is sit there completely entranced in their own private technological world, ignoring everyone around them. I'm sure I will get yelled at soon. I am here to say I UNDERSTAND now. Don't you judge me!

One more thing. I have to tell you about Dave the Verizon Wireless guy. Dave is the awesomest customer service representative that I've ever talked to. EVER. I know Dave now. He is a friend. Usually, I want to cancel service when I talk to customer service, but now that I know Dave is out there, I have hope again. First and foremost, he was cheerful and friendly and funny. THEN, even though I was not eligible for any kind of discount, he GAVE ME ONE ANYWAY because he said his best friend (who has brain cancer) lives about 1 mile from me, and Dave wants to take care of all residents of this town. (Dave is local to me, how often does THAT happen?) So, I made out like a bandit. All the while he was setting up my Crackberry order and answering each and every one of my gazillion questions, we chatted about our lives. We even both lost a parent this year and were talking about that! Dave sounded about 22, but he said he was a very immature 43-year-old. I can appreciate that, because as you are all aware, I act 12. After about an hour, Jim asked me who the hell I was talking to. I said, "Dave", and he said, "Who?", and I said, "Dave. The best Verizon Wireless guy on the planet!" Jim rolled his eyes. After I hung up, I cursed at myself because I forgot to give Dave my blog URL. Damnit! Jim said, "There is someone out there who doesn't go to your blog?" Smartass. I WISH there was only one!

Sorry it is not a good pic, but the phone screen has interference and won't cooperate with my camera. But THERE IT IS IN ALL IT'S GLORY.

Wild Stormy Night

The photo is an actual capture of lightning over the Seattle area not far from where I live. The weather has gone nuts. Completely insane. ALL NIGHT LONG, and still isn't finished this morning. You are probably sick of hearing about it, but seriously, this is the best storm I've ever seen. When I got home last night, the lightning was so intense, it was going off every 3 seconds (I counted) in these big, twisted masses of bolts. EVERYWHERE. There would be 4 or 5 bolts going every which way, lighting up the entire sky and blinding me. Being a crazy, fearless, weirdo, I stood outside for hours watching it. It ended up right over the top of us complete with cracking thunder, wind and heavy rain. The dogs were going apeshit. I seriously thought we were going to get a tornado or something, it was that intense. I've never seen lightning like that, and so often, for so long. Needless to say I was too excited to get much sleep, and I couldn't charge up my Crackberry because I didn't want to fry it. We actually lost power briefly.

I have a headache this morning, probably because of the barometric pressure changes, so I'm not happy about that, but it was worth it. I've got the whole night to myself tonight, so I'm thinking about pampering myself. Pedicure, manicure, nice dinner, and maybe a glass of wine while I get proficient at the Crackberry. I will probably be blogging a lot, because you know I have to practice posting with it. My life is not all that exciting, so you may get bored, but I'll try to be creative.

Hey Juice and Hole, I know our plans tonight tanked, but let me know if you have time for a pedicure or something. That could be social and fun. I know something came up for you guys, I'm just sayin' in case.

My heart is broken.

Two of my dear friends are in a bad way. Their last blog posts have me tearing up. I wear my heart on my sleeve and if someone I care about is upset, I don't know what to do. The last thing people want is someone patting them on the back saying it's going to be OK, because I know from experience you just want to punch people in the face. When you are feeling terrible, you are NOT OK and you don't feel like they will EVER be, and you just want to be left alone. I can barely get through each day myself. I know what it feels like to not care whether you live or die, and that life is pointless. Sometimes I don't think I will EVER be happy. EVER. I do understand, but I am still so very sad. Hey, you guys, and you know who you are, just know I'm thinking about you, OK? I'll leave you alone, but I'm here if you need me. For anything.

Crazy like the South

I have lived in the Pacific Northwest since I was about 6 years old, and the weather up here is so vastly different from what it used to be. Tonight, it was like living in the South. My mom and I went to dinner, and it was nice and sunny and bright, about 80 or so degrees. We went inside and as soon as we sat down, it got black and the thunder boomed and it started hailing, then flash flood raining. It was nuts. Then, as quickly as it started, it just stopped. When we left it was sunny and bright again, but I lost my breath when I stepped outside. The humidity was AWFUL. Steam was rising up everywhere and my car windows were all fogged up. We went over to do some shopping at Target (we're big spenders) and it did the same thing. It sounded like the roof was going to come off with how loud the thunder was. When we left the store, it was doing the flash flood raining again so we stood under the store front and waited. Sweat was POURING off of my head into my eyes and ears. So sexy. My hair also frizzed into oblivion, which made me really happy. Anyway, I know that is normal for many of you, but not for us. We don't know how to act. I love storms, so I was all excited. (Except for the humidity, you can have that shit.)

I just got home and my Crackberry came, so I have to go read the manual now and play with my new toy!

This was shared with me today.

Don't know why, but I wanted to post this. You may think it is stupid, but I like it.

The challenge of your life is before you. You have learned well from your failures and from some difficult circumstances. Now you will march forward with integrity of heart and steel for a backbone. Fear will no longer be an issue. Only set your eyes straight ahead without turning to the left or to the right. Gather up all of your courage and lock it into your mind like your crown jewel. A waterfall of boldness will flow over you and this waterfall will continue to flow as long as you keep your strong faith. I will mix with this a strong anointing of Godly wisdom so that you will not only know but you will also understand things as never before. Now, arise and shine.

Internet Apocalypse

Computer no working. Internet no working. CrazyDogMama no working.

Our server was down for the first two hours at work, and no one could do anything. Living in this technological world can sometimes be frightening. I'm so dependent on the internet for sanity. My "Crackberry" is supposed to be arriving today, so now I will REALLY have no life. But CrazyDogMama will have a new toy! As Skwigg calls it, "The Precious".

My hatred for Mosquitos goes to the very core of my soul.

I went for a walk with a friend today at lunch and we stopped at a picnic table in the grass on a trail to rest. I had on a skirt and flip flops. I was attacked by mosquitos. Two bites on my foot, one on my hip and one on each arm. I have tried every remedy known to man to get the ITCHING TO STOP. I have systematically scratched 5 layers of my skin off. At some point I thought rubbing alcohol would be a good idea to put on my OPEN WOUNDS and I went through the roof. Stupidity is fun. I am miserable and quite cranky about it. I eat enough garlic to kill 1000 vampires, so I don't know what the deal is.

You will all be very proud of me!

I am not a crispy critter! I took it easy yesterday and kept going back and forth from the sun to the shade to prevent burning. I kept myself completely soaked with the hose all day and got some nice color. I am just a tad red on my arms, but not bad at all. I haven't worked on getting a tan for several years trying to save my skin, but I really want one this year.

I have a booked schedule again this week. July is going to be nuts since I'm taking the first two weeks of August off. I haven't taken two weeks off in a row for like, 10 years. More info on that later.

Bain De Soleil

I just slathered my body up with Bain De Soleil. It smells so good and brings back smell-memories of my childhood Summers in California. I'm going to go out under the fireball now to become a good-smelling lobster in approximately 10 minutes. I have the hose out and will be periodically dumping it over my head. Whatever works, right?

Beautiful Starry Night

So, my relatively new awesome friend Hole is moving to California. What a turd-ball! I have actually thought about moving there myself, there is a big empty paid-for house with a pool in an affluent area that could become my oasis. My grandparent's house. I could handle the heat with air conditioning and a pool. I already have other friends down there, and Hole and I would only be a couple of miles apart. What do think girl? I have to finish my job contract, but your 9-month goal is about that timing. Juice will kill us.

It's supposed to be even hotter today than it was yesterday, and since I live in the mountains away from ocean, it will probably be at least 100 today. And the exciting part? Thunder and lightning storms predicted tonight! Last night was beautiful, though. I woke up in the middle of the night and went out on my back patio. The warm night air was delicious, and the stars! WOW! The sky was crystal clear and with no impact from city lights, and there are no big trees around my house, so it was an amazing sight! Thousands of beautiful stars. I could pick out many of the constellations. It was quiet, too.

Nappy Time and Sweaty Time

I don't sleep well at night as you know if you've spent any time reading my blog, but I am an excellent napper. I am the nap champ. Anytime, anywhere. I think my insomnia comes from working swing shift a large chunk of my life, which is also probably why I'm a night owl too. Today I took a nap because it is literally HELL here today. It's like 90 something outside and 100+ in my house. I have an air conditioner in my bedroom, so that is definitely where you want to be on a day like this. I would go outside, but my pasty white ass would burn into oblivion. I may need to go tanning to get a base first. I also need a pool. Anybody got a pool that I could come swim in? It's HOT! I will bring the margaritas! I'm sweating like a pig in my little office here, blogging for your pleasure. Or whatever happens to you when you read my blog.

Nothing like waking up with asthma.

I have seasonal asthma and let me tell you how much it sucks. It really, really sucks. I'm allergic to something this time of year (who knows what) and I woke up unable to get a breath fully in, which makes me panic, then cough my head off. Then I have to take a panic pill while running around the house throwing things around trying to find my inhaler. It's neat. I actually haven't had an attack for about 3 years now, so my inhaler was expired. I also didn't know what day it was when I woke up, and there has been no drinking or sleeping pills, just loss of brain. I didn't know whether or not I had to go to work, or if I could go back to bed. It was 4 am and I had to really think about it. When I realized it was Saturday, I was all "YES!".

I'm settled down now, but I can't get back to sleep. This, I think, is an advantage to having a blog. It gives you something to do. There was something else I was going to talk about, but I can't remember now so I'll have to come back later. Perhaps my brain will return then.

YouTube Sucks

I posted a funny video to brighten your day, but YouTube took it down for violating its policies. What policy is that, exactly? Too funny? If you saw it, great, but if not, it sucks to be you.

Goals and Good Times

I think it's good for the soul to think of the good times in your life, and of course be constantly making new memories! Life is short, and I know I 've spent way too much of mine dwelling on stupid stuff.

When I was out to lunch with my boss and some other co-workers yesterday, we were talking about some of the crazy stuff we'd done. I brought up that I've always wanted to go white water rafting, and my boss told some very exciting and insanely funny stories of some of his rafting trips. Not only was it hysterical (he is a great storyteller), but I thought to myself, why haven't I done that yet? I can afford it. It made me think that I'm letting a part of my life slip away by just making excuses as to why I'm not doing the things I want to do. So, I am making a goals list. I'm spending more time with friends, too. Little changes, big changes, I'm putting them all on a little anal-retentive spreadsheet. Ha. Is that weird? I got the idea from a former co-worker who is an engineer.

Good times. We've all had them. Some that come to mind for me at the moment:

Snow skiing at Crystal! Sometimes I would go by myself and just sail down a straightaway going about 40 mph with my arms lifted up yelling WOOO! The beauty, the thrill. Very exhilarating! Then there were the times when I would go with friends, and we would have the BEST time! (Annie!) People must have thought we were out of our minds, but we didn't care. You know the kind of laughter where you stomach cramps up? Yeah, that is great.

I remember spending long summers being somewhat 'bohemian-like', waiting tables 5 hours a night and then spending all night and all day with my coworkers and other friends taking advantage of every single spare moment of time we had, living it up, spending all the tips I had just made. We even had fun at work.

There are way too many to write here, but it's good to reflect and put things in perspective. Just because I'm getting older, doesn't mean there isn't a lot of good left of life! Perhaps the VERY BEST times are yet to come!

Chicken without a head.

Yesterday I stayed late at work getting ready for an implant case this Saturday which involved paperwork and editing GALORE, then went home and crashed. Today, appointments all over the place, taking boss out to lunch for his birthday, getting more paperwork done, doing errands and then dinner with mom. Lately I've been meeting/talking with friends, blogging/emailing (or trying to) and generally running around like a motherflippin' chicken without a head. I don't even have kids! I don't see how you all do it, I barely have time to brush my hair in the morning. But you know, some of this stuff I'm enjoying. I saw a friend the other day I hadn't seen in almost a year, and it was really cool hanging out and reconnecting. Of course, I heart the internet too; blogging and reading blogs is my favorite.

The earth has come off of its axis!

My coffee girl QUIT! She is moving to Georgia. BAH! Georgia sucks! I was just talking about her the other day, and I find out this morning she is leaving me! I do not like change unless it benefits me in some way. She is the only one who not only knows what I order (since I can't remember), but she mixes it right. This is VERY important. People who do not live in Seattle may not understand the concept of proper coffee making. I am very distraught.

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

I'm doing my research and catching up on current events this morning. If you don't want to hear it, go away. I'm not in the mood for whining. Perhaps I will post something later for the rest of you, but for the few out there that I know follow my research, here are some important places to go for news about the current state of union and its seriousness. You're welcome.

seekingalpha.com

marketwatch.com

atimes.com

culturechange.org

Sexy Badger?

Someone sent me a badger's profile and thought it resembled me perfectly. Gee, thanks. LOL!

Then I got to thinking, do I really like SPF36 ("Sugar Plum Fairy", and 36 is my age) for my prison bitch name or should I go with Sexy Badger? I think we need a vote. Below you will find the badger profile. The parts in bold, I agree with.

The Badger

Badgers are generally pleasant, solitary animals who are mainly active at night. They tend to be inactive during the winter months. They are not true hibernators but spend much of the winter in cycles of torpor that usually last about 29 hours. (Torpor: a state of motor and mental inactivity with a partial suspension of sensibility.) If threatened, they attack explosively with hissing, growling and biting. They love to eat and do so voraciously.

Badgers are known as fierce, independent creatures with almost legendary courage bordering on lunacy. Having had to literally claw themselves a place in the world, badgers are known for their tenacity and cunning. While the badgers are fond of taking on all comers, and even their own, when their misty highlands are threatened, their true mettle comes to light. Few truly like the badgers, but the wise respect them.

Sundays are weird.

You'd think because Sunday is a weekend day that I would love it, but not really. Lately I've been getting up really early, like 4 am or so, and I don't know what to do with myself. Do I have breakfast? Do I surf the internet? Blah. I always end up staying up for a couple of hours, then going back to bed and just lay there thinking about stuff. I was really tired from Saturday, you know all the sitting in the sun watching somebody do a garage sale wears you out, but nevertheless, I was pooped. I was supposed to go back to the garage sale again on Sunday, but I just didn't feel up to it. I didn't mean to be a flake, but I felt a little grumpy and no one likes that.

In other news, I'm still losing weight, just not quite as rapidly, it always slows down after the first few weeks, but that is normal and healthy. I LOVE the program I'm using. It is SUPER easy, and it works like a charm for me. It is the kind of program I feel I can do the rest of my life without feeling like I'm on a "diet". Because everyone knows "diets" don't work and you have to change your lifestyle. I used to do Body for Life, which is an awesome program, but it is really restrictive, and I find myself not staying consistent with it because you have to eat, like, 7 meals per day and workout 6 days a week, which means all you are ever doing is thinking about food and exercise, and I'm sorry, there is WAY more to life. Different things work for different people though, and I think I've finally found what works for me.

"EAT STOP EAT" is what I've adopted into my life. (You can find the link to their website on my sidebar.) The concept is controversial with some because you "fast" twice a week, but honestly, I've never felt so good. I think I'm ridding my body of toxins, and when you are fasting, you have this INCREDIBLE amount of energy for some reason. I can vacuum the house in 5 minutes flat! The popular theory is that you lose muscle when you fast, but you actually don't if you are weight training at least 3 times a week. I have been doing this for 2 months now and have dropped 25 pounds without losing ANY muscle. I measured my fat/muscle ratio Friday and I've lost fat, but no muscle! I adore weightlifting, too, so it is easy for me to do that Mon, Wed, Fri at my lunch break with some friends. We do some cardio occasionally too, but I prefer to get outside and walk/run or hike for that. The treadmill just makes me want to kill myself.

The basic principles are you eat like a normal person the other 5 days, of course trying to incorporate mostly healthy stuff, but there is nothing saying you can't have a couple pieces of pizza or McDonald's in moderation. It is all about balance and LIKING what you eat, rather than trying to shove gross protein shakes and flavorless chicken breasts down your throat all the time. Which gets old FAST. Let me tell you. I generally have coffee when I wake up on workdays (regular omelets and such on the weekend), then a light lunch, sometimes tuna and veggies or a sandwich/soup (or sometimes frozen burritos), then a nice lean meat/veggie dinner. For example, I had lamb chops and asparagus Saturday night and tonight I'm having lemon pepper pork loin and a veggie medley. I drink an assload of water, I always have. After a vigorous workout, I will head to either "Jamba Juice" or "Emerald City Smoothie" to get my fruit in.

My fasting days are so easy, too. After eating dinner on say, Monday night, I won't eat again until Tuesday night dinner. That way, 8 hours of my fast is spent sleeping, and I still have coffee in the morning because I drink it black. The rest of my work is not interrupted, I just drink my water and have plain tea or coffee. My tummy has stopped rumbling and like I said, the energy is incredible. I get more work done and I don't stress over what to bring for lunch. (Also a money saver.) So anyway, that is what I'm doing and its working. I do not feel deprived or stressed about it. If I screw up a fast day, I just make it different day. Gotta like flexibility.

I'm thinking about getting my nails done again. It is somewhat of a pain in the rectal region, but I do feel pretty and "finished" when I do it.

No Mess with Sasquatch

Possibly the best T-shirt ever made.

Helping People

I helped a friend do some packing and have a garage sale today. By help I mean I mostly sat on the couch for sale in her driveway and got sunburnt. I now have a nice farmer's tan and possibly some racoon eyes from wearing sunglasses. Sweet.

I meant to do a post today, or actually yesterday now that it is after midnight, but I was actually busy doing something besides wandering around the house talking to the voices in my head. I have no good material at the moment.

Losers.

It's Friday night and nobody is on Gmail chat, and I've already read my one whole email. I'm bored. Obviously, you all have a life, and I don't.

Losers.

Sappy Mail

You know those emails you usually just delete because they are sappy and ridiculous? I almost deleted this one, but decided to look at it because it was quotes, and you know how I love good quotes. I actually really liked it and thought I would share. I will not accompany this with pictures of angels or unicorns or babies or hearts or anything that will make you want to vomit. I promise.

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved."
-George Sand 1804-1876, French Novelist

"Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves."
-Henri Frederic Amiel 1821-1881, Swiss Philosopher, Poet, Critic

"A burning desire is the greatest motivator of every human action."
-Paul J. Meyer American Businessman, Author, Motivator

"I honestly believed I would make it. I had the desire. A lot of people have the ability, but they don't put forth the effort."
-Joe Carter 1960-, American Baseball Player

"Live the life you've dreamed."
-Henry David Thoreau

"The wilder and more incredible your desire, the more willing and prompter God is in fulfilling it, if you will have it so.''
-Coventry Patmore 1823-1896, British Poet

"Desire is the essence of a man."
-Baruch (Benedict de) Spinoza 1632-1677, Dutch Philosopher and Theologian

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." (Love this one!)
-Steve Landesberg

The best part of waking up is NOT Folgers in your cup.

Folgers tastes like dirt. It's dirt coffee. I have no problems admitting that I am a coffee snob. It has to be GOOD gourmet coffee/espresso, or nothing. Also, the best part of waking up is, nothing. It's usually the time where reality hits me, and, well, my reality kind of bites right now. But anyway, back to my snobbery. (Is that a word? It is now.) The one redeeming thing about the morning for me is rolling up to my favorite coffee stand where the girl (Amy) knows exactly what I want, I don't have to say anything! It's awesome. This morning, however, there was a new girl working. Oh no! What do I order? I can't remember! The girl asked me what I would like, and I just stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights. "I don't know!" I had to think about it for a minute and finally got it out. It doesn't taste the same, though, and I'm all pissy about it.

The snob thing also applies to food. I like gourmet food. Good food. Expensive food. I love to cook it, eat it and take pictures of it. Yes, I do eat junk food too, especially lately, but I'm even picky about that. For instance, my frozen burritos. They have to be a certain brand and can only be bean and cheese. The thought of eating a frozen burrito with mystery meat in it grosses me out. I also have to have a certain type of taco sauce with it or forget it. I'm the same way with macaroni and cheese. It MUST be Kraft DELUXE or nothing. If you try to give me that crap with powdered cheese, you will be surgically removing it from your rectum later. Don't even get me started with pizza. They closed down my beloved pizza place where I live and now I'm stuck with Dominos or Paoli's. Yuck. The sauce sucks, the crust sucks, it just sucks. I used to like Godfather's pizza, but they closed them all. I hate most all pizza places now and always regret spending the ridiculous $25 to get one. Papa Murphy's bake your own is the only halfway decent one I can tolerate right now.

I know, high maintenance. I'm definitely high Maintenace about this. Other things, not as much. I just like what I like and want what I want. I could care less what brand my pants are. As long as they are not on inside out.

This is the current cookbook I have my eyeballs on. A master Italian chef I used to work for said, "If you can master your sauces, you can make a table taste good."

Exciting News?

No, you will have to go to another blog for that. PSYCH. I have been rather boring lately. Last night, I came from work, plopped on the couch for yet another frozen burrito and attempted to watch TV, but really just stared at the screen and the wall because I can't concentrate on anything. I have the motivation of a slug right now. My mom brought me back some Christmas decorations from my grandma's house, and they are still sitting in my living room; so, it looks at though I am celebrating Christmas in June.

I fell asleep on the couch until 3 a.m., and then did the drunk walk down the hallway bumping into the walls going to the bedroom. (No alcohol has been consumed by me since my glass of champagne in the bubble bath, I was just half asleep.) I got another couple of hours of sleep but woke up sideways on the bed. I have no idea, but I apparently did some "Linda Blair" moves because the dogs were nowhere to be found. They stayed in the living room.

It was FREEZING in the house this morning, so I went into the laundry room to dry some underwear (since I had no clean ones) which made the laundry room warm, so I stayed in there to get dressed. Have I told you about my sexy underwear? I haven't? Well, you are in for a treat. I have granny underwear with little martini glasses on them.

So now, here I sit at work, beginning my day blogging. Someone here reads my blog, but I can't figure out who it is, so if you are reading this, "Hi!" and if you don't nark on me for blogging, I'll buy you a coffee.

I am going over to my mom's again today and I'm going to drag her out bowling for the evening. Whether she likes it or not. She used to be in a league, so she will kick my butt, but there is little to do in this town and I need to get out. Don't expect pictures, though, because she will threaten me with bodily harm, then follow through with the bodily harm if I post any pictures of her on the internet. I tell her it's OK, but she doesn't buy it. You see, I welcome stalkers. Come stalk me! I need some excitement! If you get out of hand, I'll just shoot you. Your eyes will roll to the back of your head from boredom, though, I'm sure of it. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of my martini underwear.

OH MY GOD. You are not going to believe I am telling the truth, but I am. I really, really am. I just discovered that I am wearing my pants INSIDE OUT. I am NOT KIDDING. They are black, so it's hard to tell, but I am seriously losing it, people. This is a first. Without drinking. I am mortified. MORTIFIED. Perhaps I shouldn't get dressed in the laundry room anymore. LOL!

Autopilot & iTunes

I don't even know if I blinked on the commute to work this morning. Staring off into space on autopilot.

Right now, I'm tuning everyone out listening to iTunes with my headphones on. I have a load of tedious paperwork and data entry to do, and my brain will be mush I'm sure, by noon. I don't have to think too much about those activities, so the music helps with the monotony. I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Lost in Translation". I decided I liked it after watching it a week or so ago and downloaded some songs. I especially like "Girls" by "Death in Vegas" and "Just Like Honey" by "The Jesus and Mary Chain". Are you sick of my stupid selfies, yet?

An Odd Stop

I took my mom out for dinner tonight right after work, and it was really nice. I wasn't having a meltdown this time, and we got to talk, just the two of us. I mean really talk. We have a bond now that is stronger than it ever was before, and it is so sweet. I'm not afraid to tell her things anymore and I can really be myself. We went to one of her favorite Mexican food places where they serve the best sangria. (She really missed her sangria in California.) I'm completely stuffed, and I don't think I'll eat for a week.

On the drive home, I had an overwhelming feeling to stop by the river. There is a big river that runs through the town I live in, and I don't think I've been down to it for years. I kept thinking, "Why do I have this weird feeling to stop? It's 8:30 at damn night!" It was still daylight, but still, very strange. So, all by myself, I drove down the unpaved, rocky hill into this little picnic area parking lot. I sat in the SUV for a few minutes feeling a little dumb, then all of a sudden, I felt like I wanted to get out and walk down to the bank of the river. So, I did. In clogs. Nothing special happened, really, I just stood there, staring at the river. So beautiful, and so quiet. There was no one else there, just me. I just watched the rushing water. I don't know how long I stood there, maybe 10 minutes or so. I drove home in silence. I walked into the house, which was also oddly quiet. So, there you have it, my little detour home. I have no idea, I guess I'm just a weirdo. Now I'm blogging about it.

Special Agent CrazyDogMama

So, I officially reached the "too old" point on May 12 to be recruited into the FBI. Which I was seriously considering. No one knew. So, mom, you can breathe now. Back in college I was approached by a recruiter that wanted to send me to Quantico ASAP; they wanted to yank me out only two years into college, then send me back to finish. (Having a bachelor's degree is required for employment.) I didn't take it because I wasn't ready to leave everything and everyone I knew behind. I interned for the local sheriff's department instead, in the fraud unit, then went on to the academy after that. A part of me regrets not taking the opportunity, but then again, it obviously wasn't meant to be. There is something else, I think, that is awaiting me. Something very interesting.

Um, these are good!

I don't usually like the taste of energy drinks, but this one is yummy. My mom brought one to me at work today, is she not the sweetest? It doesn't give you the jitters.

"Rockstar Roasted Coffee Latte"

Somebody save me from myself.

"When Ignorance is Bliss, Somebody Save Me from Myself" - Jars of Clay

It's an interesting quote/lyric, I think. I'm not going to write my interpretation or what it means to me but leave that to you. You might think it is intriguing or insightful, or you may just think it is ridiculous and makes no sense. It's up to you. That is the beauty of lyrics, poems, quotes, books, and basically everything communicated, it is subject to interpretation. Sometimes I find something that really speaks to me for whatever reason. This is what got me thinking today.

I had a major meltdown yesterday, which was really fun, and I felt so bad for doing that when it was the first time I had seen my mom in so long. She worries about me, and she is dealing with major stuff herself. I kept apologizing, which she didn't understand, but I wanted her to know that I wasn't trying to upset her, that my emotions were just on overload. I'm calmer today, although my eyes look like somebody punched me in them. They are all puffy and swollen. I hate that. Coming to work sometimes helps get my mind off of things. I am forced to deal with the world, and responsibilities.

In my younger days, especially when I was in Law Enforcement, I had the ability to be "robotic" with my emotions. I could turn them off with the snap of my fingers. Completely disengage from emotion all together whenever I wanted to. For some reason, I lost that ability somewhere along the road. It wasn't that I didn't have emotions, I could just control them. I would simply say to myself, "I'll cry about that later, or I'll get angry about that tomorrow." Just shove those pesky feelings aside. I can still maintain absolute control in a crisis, but on an everyday level, if I feel sad, I'm sad, if I feel irritated, I'm irritated. No hiding it. Weird, huh?

I had Eggo waffles for breakfast from the company kitchen this morning. My eating has been less than stellar this last week. I haven't cooked, just been eating crap. Macaroni and cheese, frozen burritos, waffles, etc., or not eating at all. I'm thinking I need some vegetables and lean meat soon because I was doing so well, and now I feel like a big pile of poo. No wonder, my brain is fuzzy from all the junk food.

An especially hard day.

It is Father's Day and also my dad's birthday. I've spent a good part of the morning curled up in the fetal position crying. Some parts of me feel so empty and gone. It is hard to explain. I don't even know who I am right now. For lots of reasons.

My mom is back and is coming over for dinner, so that will be nice, but I'm not such good company right now. I'm glad she is home, though, I've missed her terribly, she's been gone for 9 weeks.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there, and to all of you who can, go give your fathers a big hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them.

I hate golf, but Tiger does have a gift.

Because of Jim, I did catch some of the US Open yesterday and was completely astounded by Tiger's amazing putts. He is a truly gifted golfer. Usually watching golf is like watching paint dry for me, but that was pretty darn impressive. I've thought of giving golf a chance, but I don't know. I'd probably get too frustrated. I used to be such an adrenaline junkie, and golf just wasn't quite exciting enough for me, but the older I get, the more I realize my ninja days are over.

I watched Jim golf once and rode around in the golf cart taking pictures. He kept slicing his golf balls into the water hazards and I just laughed and told him, "Why don't you just go dump the rest of the box of balls into the water so we can go?" He didn't find that amusing. LOL.

Comedy Central

"So where IS Shit Creek, anyway? Why would you go there, and why wouldn't you bring a paddle?

"Barack Hussein Obama. What a hard name to win people over with. The only harder name would be Charles Mansion Hitler. "

ROFLMAO!

I'm watching comedy central. I don't know who the guy is, but he's funny. I am easily amused.

Blog Slam

So, I just got slammed on another blog for my bathtub pics.

She went on and on about what kinds of blogs to steer clear of: poor blog design, not many comments, and people who post pics of themselves in the bathtub. She mentions this several times, and even ends her post with it. She seems to really think this is the dredge of bloggery. See this is why I don't talk bad about anyone on my blog, only myself. She not only just lost a reader, but I'm taking her off of my links. Not that she'll care. I am probably one of the least judgmental people you'll ever meet, I just don't give a flip about whatever floats your boat. Sure, stupid people annoy me, but I would never end a friendship over it or slam their character personally. I think it is a waste of time to be arrogant and self-important. Some of the very best people I've met have poor blog design and post weird stuff. There are so many things I could say about this person as far as my observations go, but there is no point. I'm not taking the righteous high road; I just don't want to waste my time. I'm just going to kick the dust off of my heels and move on. Not everyone is going to love me.

Or, I could just say "Bite me you arrogant, ugly twit." but, nah. LOL.

Mental health, what not to do.

Do you know what I did with my day off? My supposed "mental health" day? I washed the dogs and clipped their toenails. I KNOW. This did not help my mental health. Trust me on this one. I have the craziest, stubbornest, most willful little fuzzy brats in the WORLD. It is truly exhausting. At some point today they will "spite piss" somewhere to get even with me, then I will go ballistic and have to take an anxiety pill.

I really want macaroni and cheese. At 9:30 am. I'm going to go make it. Be back later.

Party of One

So, I took a lovely bubble bath. So nice. I used foaming lavender and rose petal fragrance. I drank champagne and played "Enigma". I like the chanting monks. The songs "Principles of Lust" and "The Rivers of Belief" are awesome. In the "Rivers of Belief", the first part sounds like "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (lame), but once you get past that, it puts you in a relaxed state of mind, I love it. The dogs were oh-so curious about what I was doing, so I kept blowing bubbles on them for a little entertainment. Also entertaining? Trying not to drop my $1000 camera in the tub.

SPLAT

I need to add "bird" to my repertoire of kills with my vehicle. There have now been 3 deer, a dog and a bird. Last night while driving home, a big, fat bird flew right smack into my windshield as I was going about 60 mph. It left a nice BIG blob of guts and blood and of course scared the living piss out of me. I used my windshield wipers and fluid to try and clean it off, but all it did was smear it all over the place. In chunks. There are chunks of guts still on my windshield. I'll need to hose that off later.

In other news, Jim left this morning for California, and I will be having an exciting "party for one" tonight. I plan to take a nice hot bath with lots of bath salts and good smellies, accompanied by candles and champagne. I'm taking tomorrow off for "mental health" and I'm hoping to get some much-needed sleep.

Wordless Wednesday

A beautiful Tuesday morning in June.

It's raining and drizzling. It actually doesn't bother me all that much, and it makes me laugh to hear everyone complaining. I may be alone on this, but I hope the summer is mellow. I like the sunshine as much as the next guy, but I like 'pleasant' weather. I don't have air conditioning, so if it gets really hot, I feel like I can't breathe.

I have a bit of a headache I need to get rid of, and a whole butt-load of work on my desk. *sigh*. Another day in paradise.

I'm calmer now, you can come out of hiding.

I am shopping for a Blackberry. Maybe a Curve? Do you have one? Do you like it? What kind do you have? Would you get a different one if you could? I can't live without the internet/email now at any given point in my day. Plus, if I EVER get to travel, I may not want to take my laptop.

I need feedback because I am virtually clueless about these right now. I am just now starting to do my research. You tech people out there need to help me. Thanks.

Pep Talk

This is not for the faint of heart, just so you know. I read what I wrote this morning and just shook my head. I decided to look myself in the mirror and say this:

"Snap out of it. You are acting ridiculous. Quit being a whiny-ass wuss. You've been through worse, and you will GO THROUGH WORSE. You know that the earth is about to split open and unleash the demons of hell, and you better stop being an idiot drama-queen RIGHT NOW. You are stronger than this. You are not this stupid, nor gullible. You've had some pain, some loss, some heartache, now it's time to GET OVER IT. What is going to happen, is going to happen. People are going to do what they are going to do, or not. You know what you have to do. You know what needs to be done. DO IT. Go get your work done!"

I think I missed my calling as a Drill Sargeant.

I shouldn't blog today.

I am just going to bring you down. I didn't blog yesterday, the first day in months because I just didn't see the point. I really don't want to blog today, but people are starting to get concerned. I'm sorry about that, it's hard to share your pain sometimes. How I'm feeling? Like I don't care whether I live or die. Don't get all freaked, it's just a feeling.

I kind of collapsed yesterday and slept all day. The whole not sleeping thing eventually catches up with you. I'm tired of hearing myself complain, so I figured the rest of the world could do without it too. I'm depressed, or sad, I guess. I'm not just having a couple of bad days; I can't shake this funk and its starting to piss me off. So many things have happened to me personally in the last 6 months or so, and I tend to internalize everything. I guess that catches up with you too. Just when you think you are strong, you find out how weak you are. The work is piling up on my desk and I'm just staring at it. I'm going to have to gather all the strength I have to do it. I don't think anyone is going to rescue me from this mess.

Some days I have great hope for things, then the next I just feel like a fool. Yeah, I blog about some things, and I talk to a therapist, but what it comes down to, is no matter how hard I try, well, you know. No one gets what's going on with me, because I keep most of it to myself. I'll feel good for about a week here and there. Honestly, right now, I don't feel like praying, and I don't feel like talking. Which isn't like me. Life throws weird stuff at you. Sometimes I don't get it. I find myself saying stuff like "What am I supposed to do with that?" "How am I supposed to react to this?" Just feeling alone, even though I'm really not. Don't give up on me.

Someone just came up to me and told me I looked nice today. Which is sweet, especially since it was a guy. But I'm like, whatever, thanks. Somebody needs to smack me, geez! I managed to snap a couple of Monday morning piss-fest pictures of myself. These are not the sexiest pics, I know. Back away slowly. I bite. I was trying to throw a kiss, but look as though I'm about to burst into tears? Hot.

Saturday Quotes.

I like quotes. :) Enjoy.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
- Helen Keller

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
-Unknown

"Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries."
-Everett Dirksen

"The world is so constructed, that if you wish to enjoy its pleasures, you must also endure its pains."
-Brahmnanda, Hindu philosopher

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens."
-Kahlil Gibran

"Seek the wisdom of the ages but look at the world through the eyes of a child."
-Ron Wild

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is awaiting us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one is to come."
-Joseph Campbell

Places I want to go before I die.

I've compiled a list of all the places I've always wanted to go. I guess I would be happy going ANYWHERE since I've never been anywhere, but I suppose this would be my "ultimate" list. There are other places I would like to add to my list, but I'm going to start with this. It starts small and gets exponentially more expensive.

1. Las Vegas. I know, you can't believe I've never been there. Well, I haven't. This is actually doable for me. I'm not really a huge gambler/drinker, but I've heard it's a great place for an insomniac. I would really like to go on the rollercoaster on top of the building and the one that goes through the hotel, too. I love thrills.

2. New Orleans. I know it is not the same since Katrina, but I know I would fall in love with it. The jazz bars, the creepy cemeteries, the swamps. Imagine the photos I could take! The Cajun food! My favorite photographer makes me yearn to see it. http://www.juliabailey.com/

3. New York. I would love to just walk the streets of New York and people watch.

4. Northern Italy. I am partial to Northern Italian cuisine, and I adore Amarone wine. I would love to tour the Valpolicella region and specifically Veneto.

5. Greece. I really need to go to Santorini, Greece. I've wanted to go there for so long. I think it would be incredibly romantic and beautiful. All the white, rounded buildings/structures lining the hillsides. I hear Crete is amazing, too. the history alone is incredible.

6. Salzburg, Austria. I love Mozart. I took a classical music course in college and have wanted to visit Salzburg ever since.

7. Bavaria, Germany. I would love to see the Eagle's Nest. Perhaps drive the "Romantic Road".

8. Bora Bora, French Polynesia. I've never been any place tropical, and a friend of mine said this is "BAR NONE" the most amazingly beautiful place on earth. The water, the huts, the food, the people. I have a collection of photos I've gathered dreaming of this place. I use them as wallpapers on my computer.

9. Egypt. I am fascinated by Egyptian history. Who isn't? The pyramids, the tombs, the culture. Everything.

10. Israel. (The Holy Lands) It gives me goosebumps just thinking about the history there. A bit dangerous, but oh well.

The only other places I can think of are perhaps somewhere in Mexico, Puerto Rico? Cancun? I'm not sure yet. And maybe a tropical rain forest. South America? The Congo? I don't know, though.

One thing at a time. I'm trying to plan a trip to Vegas, maybe September? I know it will be really hard to twist Juice's arm to meet me there.

Really Good Quotes

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
- Elbert Hubbard

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances, if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-Carl Jung

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
-Confucious

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
-M. Scott Peck

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"If you understand everything, you must be misinformed."
-Japanese proverb

"You don't realize how good your memory is until you try to forget something."
-Unknown

"Confidence is the ability to be more interested than afraid."
-Unknown

The calm before the storm.

This is how I woke up feeling this morning. I don't know if it is personal to me, or if it is more far reaching. Thought I would post it to see if I am alone on this or not. Could be both, I guess.

I'm not trying to be dramatic. Much.

Nacho Bar Night

Juice puts on quite a lovely nacho bar on Thursday nights. I went this time because I needed to perk up. Being around Juice and Hole will perk ANYONE up, I don't care if you are on death row. I wasn't my usual self, but it was really nice to have another night out. (This is becoming a habit!) She did not tie Hole and I down to watch "Ugly Whores in the City", we just talked and stuffed our little pie holes with much queso. Which brings me to some great observations I had last night.

Hole is quite anal-retentive about putting a nacho plate together. Let me explain. She methodically and systematically lines each and every tortilla strip up on the plate. She then proceeds to put individual clumps of cheese on EACH chip. It was explained to me that it is of the utmost importance to have cheese on ALL tortilla chips evenly. She then re-layers. Then, she puts the plate in the "MIKE". She does not "nuke" her nachos, or put them in the microwave, she "MIKES" them. Also new for me. She does not have the patience for stove-cooking nachos, nor knows how to use the stove. LOL. I have to get cultured somehow. I have documented the photographic evidence of such behavior. You have not experienced nachos, until you have experienced nachos with Hole. ME? I grab a handful of chips, throw them on the plate, grab cheese and fling it on the chips (no tongs, people, big handfuls), NUKE them, then smother them with sour cream and the hottest salsa I can find. End of story. She brought me Reses peanut butter cups, however, so the love is flowing all over for her right now.

You should have heard us singing (and we weren't drinking). Harmonizing is hard. Especially when you forget the words or laugh too much. I had to leave, and I missed a rendition of the "Macarena". It was very unfortunate; I really would have liked to have seen those two attempt that.

I stayed up WAY too late. It was a work night for me, and Juice lives a good hour to an hour and a half away from me. It turned out OK though, I flew down the freeway with hardly any other cars on the road (rare). There is something about driving a dark, empty freeway at night. Something soothing about it. Especially when you have peanut butter cups.

My gas light came on about halfway home. I still had at least 30 miles to go. Sweet. Someone upstairs was looking out for me, though, because I made it all the way to the Sultan gas station! It was closed and all dark, but the pumps were on if you had a credit card/debit card. Thank God! As I was gassing up, it was spooky. It's like the town was deserted, but then all of sudden some drunk idiots came stumbling out of the bar across the street yelling obscenities and whatnot. Great. That's all I need right now. What am I going to do, throw peanut butter cups at them? I hid behind my truck a little bit hoping they wouldn't spot me. I kept coming up with psycho survival plans like pouring gas on them and threatening to use my lighter. But then I realized that would blow all of us up. OK, not a good plan. They didn't approach me, but then something worse happened. I saw the final total. SEVENTY DOLLARS for gas. HOLY CRAP! Now I wish they had come and killed me. Gas is $4.25 a gallon. My mom is still in California and said it is $4.45 down there. This is scary. I think we're on the verge of some kind of economic crash, what do you think?

Oh, btw, apparently, according to Hole and Juice, my new nickname is "SPF 36". It means "Sugar Plum Fairy" and my age is 36. Hmmm. Okaaay. I guess I dance in your head, as sugar plum fairies do, are you good with that? You can call me whatever you like. I don't mind.

Today

I haven't talked to anyone today. No one has talked to me. Don't have a clue what to say. It's so quiet right now I can hear my own heart beating.

Important Questions

If you could have a superpower, what would you choose? I narrowed it down to either flying or invisibility. But then my analytical and neurotic brain started overthinking it and I thought, well, invisibility could be tricky unless you could also walk through walls and stuff because just opening doors and whatnot would scare people and they would end up calling an old priest and a young priest, and then I thought do I REALLY want to know what goes on? Probably not. It could be fun for a while, but then I think it would become a big burden. It would also be hard not to do evil things like go to the bank vault and just let people watch floating money go past them. Nope, invisibility is out.

OK, so flying. Cool, right? It would totally save on gas and the adrenaline junkie in me would be all excited. But wait a minute. The military would be trying to shoot me down all the time and people would be asking me to do stuff all the time, and I'd probably get really cold, you know, tights just wouldn't get it done. Also, if no one else could fly, then going to all those fun exotic places would be lonely and depressing. Damn it! Then I thought about the "Greatest American Hero" (remember that retarded show?) That would be me, trying to fly looking like an epileptic and then crash landing all over the place.

Maybe being able to shock stupid people when I feel like it? ZAP! Yeah, that would be a career, forget that.

OK, I'll settle for snapping my fingers for weight loss. Yeah, that works! I'll take that one.

Something to break up the Dr. Phil talk.

#1 Senior Prom! Holy Boobs, Batman! I can't believe my dad let me out of the house that way. LOL.

#2 Dirt biking! I'm not very good at it, but it's fun.

#3 My Sergeant (boss) when I worked for the King County Fraud Unit. Look at the dinosaur computer!

#4 Me doing slave labor. My mom had me splitting wood, and all I got for it was a U2 record.

#5 Me graduating from the Police Academy. Can you find me? I'm the one that looks 12 and really intimidating. A mistake many of my arrestees made. Ha.

#6 My fav place in the whole world (so far) is at Bridal Veil Falls in Index, WA.  I used to hike up there all the time, it is incredibly beautiful and refreshing!

#7 Rats! I used to have pet rats. This is Cappuccino and Amaretto. (Cappy and Rhetto)

#8 I'm a skydiver. This was my perfect landing. I'm better at this than dirt biking.

#9 Me dancing with my Uncle Burt. Uncle Burt is really funny and has mutton chops.

Lost in Translation

I don't know why, but I LOVE this movie. It conveys so much of the kind of emotion I can relate with. I like how you can tell what they are feeling without any words. I can also identify with the insomnia! See? I don't just watch horror movies. I'm watching it right now (taking a short break) and thinking of nuking a frozen burrito. I'm by myself tonight and don't feel like cooking.

Giving up, or opening up?

It's a bit hard to explain, I suppose. Maybe I used the wrong words. Part of it is realizing some things will never change, part of it is realizing that you can't stop yourself from changing, part of it is realizing that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and part of it is just thinking everything is crystal clear, or black and white, when in fact, it isn't. Life is complicated. People are complicated. You might think you understand something or someone, but you could be wrong. I'd like to say that I'll never give up on my dreams or my desires, but I get frustrated. Everyone does. My therapist laughed at me when I said "I give up" today. She explained to me that I was in a huge transition period and that I could expect that everything that used to feel comfortable, will become uncomfortable, at least for a while. I'm breaking old patterns of behavior and my ideas/thoughts on certain subjects have been slightly altered. I'm finding myself in unfamiliar territory. I guess I'm giving up on trying to stop that from happening. I'm just going to let it happen. You could say I'm "opening myself up to new things and ideas".

I sound like a damned idiot, don't I? LOL.