They want to see Lou right away at the vet.

This is panic face.

Lou is going to the vet at 1:30. I hope my boy is OK. I love him more than I love most people. There is so much other drama right now that this is not good. Sorry I can't talk about the other stuff on my blog. The screaming girl in my "Wordless Wednesday" photo compilation is quite apropos at the moment. Keep me in your thoughts today, I have much on my mind. Life is weird and changing and I'm having trouble handling it. I need my Louie to be OK, I really, really do.

I'm crazy out-of-my-mind worried!

This has been a shit week for me personally so far, and now Louie is sick. Louie is 9 years old and he has NEVER had anything wrong with him. Last night he didn't eat, which has never happened, he usually tries to eat the bowl along with the food. So that was my first freak out. Then, I noticed him pooping a lot. He has pooped 5 times in 24 hours and there is BLOOD IN IT. The vet doesn't open for another 2 hours and I'm going nuts. I love Lou like he is my kid and I'm running low on money. Hopefully they will take payments. What is wrong with my Lou-bear? What happened to my dog?

Wordless Wednesday

I Heart Indy!

Is anyone else excited for the new Indiana Jones movie? I am. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was my absolute FAVORITE movie as a kid. I went to the theater like, 100 times to see it. I will be in line tomorrow night, baby!

For K.S.

As a comparison. "Bertha Butt" vs. "Ayla".

Decompressing

I thought my eyeball was going to explode earlier. You know those headaches that are right behind your eye? I could barely see out of my right eye. When I get upset, I carry all of my tension in my neck and shoulders, and it KILLS and gives me a monster headache. It has settled down a bit and I'm drinking a huge glass of the best tea on the planet. Aveda tea. I'm not much of tea person, but this stuff just rocks. Drinking caffeine this late won't help my insomnia, but I guess it doesn't matter. I couldn't eat dinner with my headache, but I have no appetite either. Speaking of which, I'm dropping weight like a mo' fo'. Don't worry, though, I eat good. I guess I finally just got the right inspiration. I'm going to go draw a hot bath now. Sweet dreams y'all.

Extremely Important Information

I bought a new lipstick. I almost gave up bothering with lipstick because I end up licking it off and have to keep reapplying it every 10 minutes, but while I've got this whole 'making changes' thing going on, I thought it was important for you all to know about this event. It is called "Electric Spice". Yeah, baby. That's me. I tried very hard to capture the essence of the lipstick (it tastes good!) but no matter what I do, I look like a dork. I also look quite tired. Gah. When I look at this picture, I want to flick my nose. I'm sorry you can't see the color very well. I tried. Big Kiss!

What Moves Me

You probably don't care what moves me, but I'm going to write about it anyway. My blogs go all over the place, don't they? Keeps things interesting.

I am very eclectic when it comes to music. I like just about everything. Rock 'n Roll, Country, Jazz, Alternative, classical, there are even a few rap songs I like. It just depends on my mood. There is a band, though, that has incredible lyrics that really mean something to me. They always have a way of either saying how I'm feeling inside, or express things in a way I can't find the words for. Their songs move me. They are a Christian band called "Jars of Clay". Never heard of them, right? Most people haven't. Well, this may bore you, but if you want to get inside my head, read these lyrics. (They are actually pretty heavy.)

"Frail"

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be…
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be…
I would be...
I would be...FRAIL

“I need you”

Strangely out of place
There's a light filling this room
Where none would follow before
I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt
Away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me way?

I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
You're all I'm living for

I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt you moving
Closer to me
Face to the ground
To hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight
I feel you lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
(All I'm living for)
I need you, I need you, I need you
You're all I'm living for
All I'm living for
You're all I'm living for

Face to the ground
To hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight
Feel you lift me up
Can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away
My pride

Only had a second to spare
But all the time in the world
To know you're there
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

I need you, I need you, I need you
(All I'm living for)
I need you, I need you, I need you
(All I'm living for)
& I need you, I need you, I need you
You're all I'm living for
All I'm living for
All I'm living for
All I'm living for
You're all I'm living for

“The Eleventh Hour”

Trace the shape of my heart,
till it becomes more familiar to your eyes
I've been lost without you,
cold without your love
It's taken days and nights to realize

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
I'll find you when I think I'm out of time

Take the place of my heart,
till I become a stranger to my life
I've been down without you,
wrong without your love
In time will I be what you're thinking of?

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
I'll find you when I think I'm out of time

I've been wrong without you,
cold without your love
In time will I be what you're thinking of?

“Flood”

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Absolute Perfection

It is 78 degrees out with a delicious breeze. I'm sitting at the umbrella table drinking a fuzzy martini, reading. Jim is mowing the lawn (this works, huh ladies?) The dogs are rolling in the grass. I love it when they do that because it means they're happy.

CrazyDogMama's Fuzzy Martini: 1 part vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 3 parts fresh OJ with pulp. Shaken, not stirred! YUM.

Can't you just hear it, copa, copacabana...

People Amaze Me

All week there have been warnings NOT to swim in the rivers this weekend because we were to have record breaking temperatures that would melt the huge snowpack we had this year and spill into the rivers making them extremely dangerous. So, what do people do? Swim in the rivers. Put their kids in the rivers. What is WRONG with everybody? I just finished watching the news where they were reporting on the many deaths that occurred yesterday while our temps went into the 90's and all the heart-stopping cold, fast-moving rivers are now flooding. DUH. This is where I'm glad I'm not a cop anymore because pulling bodies out of the river on a Sunday would just piss me off. I don't think I've ever written about my law enforcement days, have I?

I want a new prison bitch name.

This blog has been entirely too serious and depressing lately, so I'm going to get over myself and go with this.

Hot Hole and Juicy Ass (my awesome girly friends 'Hole' and 'Juice') have great prison bitch names and mine is supposed to be "Busty Lips". What the hell kind of name is that? For short, 'Busty?' 'Lips?' Gay. You all have to help me with this because it is of the utmost importance. Some of you may resist this process because you might think you are proper and nice and stuff, but you aren't. You are as ridiculous as the rest of us, you just have to let your inner freak out. Trust me, everyone should have a prison bitch name. I'm open to all ideas. CrazyDogMama is NOT a prison bitch name. Just so you know.

Jim came in while I was typing this. His idea is "Busty Scoops", "Scoops" for short. I have never heard breasts referred to as "Scoops" before, but I guess you learn something new every day. Let's hear it peeps, come on.

Vets, Pedicures and Warmness

Woo! It's hot out there! I had to get up before God this morning to take the damn dogs to the vet for their annuals. Let me tell you what an ordeal THAT was. I do not have normal dogs. Nothing about my life can be normal. They are complete maniac freaks. I think the vet is really glad to see us go. The dogs are healthy, but I need a valium now. Oh, and when did it start costing $250 for the vet?? I will be living in a box soon.

However, I did manage to scrape up some fundage for a pedicure. Pedicures rock. They are orgasmic. I'm sure you all know this, but I thought it must be mentioned. My footses are all purdy now! It's funny, Jim HATES feet, and I mean HATES. He says I'm really lucky that I have "cute little feet". LOL. Yes, lucky me. I should probably be doing something in the nice weather instead of blogging, huh? I'll get right on that.

A Great Drive Home

Once I get out of traffic-nightmare-Redmond, my drive home can be quite nice. It is 84 degrees out today and I decided to take all the back roads home so that I could chill. You know, because I really NEED to chill. There is hardly any traffic on them because you only really know about them if you are a local to the boonies like I am.

I opened all my windows, put my sunglasses on, let out my ponytail and let my hair fly up through the sunroof. (It's always a mess anyways.) I didn't turn on the radio and I turned my phone off. One of the backroads I took is SO GORGEOUS. It is probably where the serial killers bury all their bodies, but it is breathtaking, nonetheless. It is a winding road with lots of overhanging trees and shrubbery, and it follows the river. I loved the silence and the warm air. It gave me a chance to just think and fantasize and relax. I should really do this more often. I love to drive when I don't have to deal with stupidity and traffic. If I had taken my camera with me, I think I would have pulled over and snapped a few shots. Oh well. Next time. It's time to relax on the back patio with a beverage now. Who cares if I am on all cold medicines known to man?

Back at Work

After a nice fever of 101 and sleeping all day, I'm back at work. I'm feeling a little better today, the fever broke and now I just feel like a mac truck hit me. I'm sure I look like a million bucks today, too. On top of all of that, I started my period. (Time for all my male readers to cringe.)

Anyway, at least its Friday and I got my stimulus check today. Hooray! Sorry economy, I'm paying bills with it. I have no choice. Well, I guess buying some clothes qualifies, right? I'm leaving early today because I can. It's slow, I've been sick and what better excuses are there? Perhaps sitting in the sun will make me feel better.

Wordless Thursday Night

Sick

The weather people, starting yesterday, said 80's! For the next 4 days! So, what happens? I get sick. Perfect. I am just now coming out of my NyQuil coma. My head is pounding, I have a fever, my body aches and I generally want to die. There is nothing to eat in this damn house, and I actually have an appetite. We have peanut butter and jelly, but no bread. Neat. Jim is at his mom's. I'm sitting here wrapped up in a blanket looking out at the sunshine. This sucks.

Another Vivid Dream

This is an odd, but curious one. Thought I would share because I know how you all come running to your computers every day wondering what the crazy broad has to say next.

I was standing still, far away, but looking out between two different scenes. To my left it was night, a dark and foreboding city with lightning and thunder. When the lightning struck, it lit everything up for a second, but would then go dark again. When it lit up it was a fantastic sight and it was hard to pull my eyes away, well, because you know how I feel about storms, but I was tentative about it. To my right it was day, very bright and sunny and warm with this beautiful light-colored sand. When the sun would catch it just right, the sand would sparkle. I could not tell if the sand was a vast desert, or if it was leading to a beach because there was a hill, and I couldn't see over the hill. The sand was so pretty, but at the same time it seemed sad, empty and barren except for the sparkles. Like it was waiting for me to come running into it and bury my toes into it. Again, though, I was tentative because I couldn't see over the hill.

I kept standing there, looking back and forth, but here is the really cool part of the dream. I was wearing a new red dress. The wind was blowing, and my dress was swooshing around. I was barefoot, though, no sexy Italian stilettos. My toes were painted red to match the dress, however. Details are always important. LOL.

So, what do you think about that, huh? Pretty bizarre, right?

Then I laughed really, really hard.

I've been a little in the dumps lately. This is where you all collectively say, "NOOOOO, really? We didn't even notice!"

We were trying to watch sitcoms tonight and I was apparently in a zombie-like state staring at the wall. Jim kept asking me what was wrong, and I just said I don't want to watch this, I'm cranky and bored. So, trying to cheer me up, he flipped through the guide and found "Mega Disasters". "Here, honey." he said, "This should cheer you up." I gave him the stink eye, but smiled because it was pretty funny.

I got up to go to the kitchen and get water, and he followed me. I told him to say something nice to me. He thought for a minute and decided to sing me the very happy and cheerful "My Favorite Things" song, except it came out like this, "Snow drops on kittens, and mittens on something." I looked up confused and blinking and said, "What the hell are snow drops?" Then we both erupted into hysterics. I don't know why, but it just struck me really funny. My stomach actually hurt afterwards because there was a moment where I couldn't breathe from laughing. I guess you had to be there, but truly, it was that funny.

Ramblings

I was going to title this post "Ticking Timebomb Tuesday", but I thought you may be tired of me telling you that one of these days everyone is going to know exactly how I feel about everything. Whether you want to know or not. I have all these emotions bubbling around inside and I'm trying to be a mature, healthy adult about it, but you just never know when I'm going to tell you how full of shit you are and that I'm moving to Jamaica leaving everything behind except my laptop, favorite pair of flip flops, and sunglasses, (you know, the important things in life) where I will live in a hut, walk around naked all day long, swim under waterfalls, go ziplining and live happily ever after. If you only knew how close I am. Reality is what you make it. Everyone has been getting on my case lately, so forgive me.

On a different note, I have been watching a really cool new series. Well, I don't know how new it is, but it's called "A Haunting" and it's on the Discovery Channel. (You know you're getting old when all you mostly watch is animal planet, the Discovery Channel and the History Channel.) It's about true tales of the paranormal. It's quite creepy and if these people really are telling the truth, well DAMN. Anyway, if the subject interests you, I highly recommend it. It is WAY better than Ghost hunters or Paranormal State, both of which bore and irritate the hell out of me.

So, that is all I can think of for the moment. Maybe you'll hear from me later today. Oh, and by the way, the death toll from yesterday's earthquake in China is up to 20K now. How terrible.

Bad News

If you are squeamish, don't watch the news tonight.

A 7.9 magnitude earthquake in China has killed 9000+ people so far, and there has been a huge tornado outbreak in the US. Yikes. So awful.

Worried about my neighbor.

Fun dresses and shoes aside, there are more serious things going on. My neighbor, the one that so graciously fixed our fence on Halloween when the stupid kids kicked it down, tried to commit suicide twice, but was unsuccessful. THANK GOD. He mailed a suicide letter to someone, and they called us to go check on him. He wouldn't respond to anyone, not even us, and so they ended up having the cops do a well check. He went to a hospital for eight days and is now back. I feel so bad and helpless. Jim left him notes and messages saying if he needed to talk to call him, and that we cared. He is so young, and although he has had a rough time, I am praying so hard that he does not do anything like that. He is such a nice guy, and a good neighbor. It breaks my heart because I know what it feels like to be in that kind of despair. I would never take my own life, but I understand pain.

Shoes & Dresses

Found an even cuter black dress that I want in addition to the diva red dress. I'm going to need places to wear these. Those shoes! So sexy with jeans, and I love the ankle straps on the other ones.

Which One?

I haven't talked about this lately, but I've dropped almost 20 pounds in the last month or so. I have a way to go yet, but I'm determined! I've thrown donuts across the room and posted skinny pics for myself. I've just gotten sick of the way things are, and I'm making some life changes. This is one of them. Now, with that, is going to have to be some new clothes-buying because things are starting not to fit. I also have nothing pretty to wear. Not that I have anywhere to go to warrant such fancy things, but you just never know. Never say never, right? Right.

I'm going to buy one of these dresses (unless you tell me they suck) a couple of sizes too small so that I will keep going until they fit. They are pricey, so it will motivate me because I hate wasting money. So, tell me, which one do you like better?

An anomaly wrapped in an enigma.

My husband says I am an anomaly wrapped in an enigma. Um, thanks hon, I think.

Anomaly: An irregularity, a misproportion, or something that is strange or unusual. In particular, as used in the sciences, it means deviation from the common rule, i.e. in the experimental sciences it means difference from the norm or average of a given quantity.

Enigma: Mystery, something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained; something or someone that is mysterious or puzzling.

I don't think it is any secret that I'm a little off. I'm OK with that. Normal is boring. Some people like me just the way I am, some don't. Just because nature's fury fascinates me, doesn't mean I WANT bad things to happen. Jim rolls his eyes at me a lot when I talk about it and says, "You can't wait to survive a 10.0 can you?" (Um, NO.) Many people stick their heads in the sand, or their fingers in their ears and say "la, la, la", but not me. Perhaps I missed my calling as a scientist or storm chaser. LOL. Did you know that there are vacations you can book to ride with storm chasers? So, see, I'm not the only one!

Truth

What is it to you? Are you looking for it? Have you found it? How do you know when you've found it? Do you care? Would you die for it? What would you die for? (If anything.)

I am a truth-seeker. I want to know what is real, and what is not real. In everything. I am tenacious and diligent about it. I get frustrated, and I certainly don't always like it. I'm sure this comes out in my writing. Yes, I have found some truths, and I am still searching for others. I can tell you this much, there is much truth in the statement "Seek and ye shall find".

Drunk with Power

They gave me superpowers at work. I really like it! Apparently when I get frustrated and angry, I scare people. Go figure. I now have the ability to see any and all files that anyone in the company has opened on their computer AND the ability to CLOSE THOSE FILES AT WILL so that I can do with them what I need to. Let me tell you how much fun it was running around the building trying to figure out who had stuff open or waiting to get an email response back. It stopped me in my tracks to get things done. I can sit here now and do my evil cackle and say, "Delete! delete! delete! I've shut you down!" So much fun.

Confession

Due to popular demand via comments/email, I confess there may have been a little more to the dream. (I love all the comments lately, btw, keep them coming! It makes me feel special.)

Should I come clean? I'm already blushing as I type. Yes, I had an erotic, steamy love dream the other night, and I'm kicking myself for not taking a sleeping pill! I still remember every detail, which is rare! (Yeah, it was THAT good.) I actually told my therapist about it, and she had some interesting insights, which is not exactly what I was expecting her to say. It's a little embarrassing, but I guess that ship has sailed on this blog.

It was very passionate. I could hear the ocean waves crashing against the shore, and I could feel the sunshine on my body. How does a dream get that real? The champagne and strawberries made for a good time too. OK, that's enough for right now. I need some water. Maybe something stronger.

Morning Massacre

So, I'm in the shower, leaning up against the wall sleeping. The water is as hot as it will go. I'm not sure how long I was like that, but I'm sure it was more than a few minutes. I suddenly have a coppery metal taste in my mouth. I open my eyes and HOLY CRAP! Blood EVERYWHERE. All down the front of me, dripping onto my feet! There is even some on the wall! My nose has been gushing blood for God only knows how long. I freak. How much blood did I lose? DAMN! I cleaned myself (and the wall) up and got out, and of course all I have are big, white fluffy towels. So now, here I sit blogging about it totally naked with a towel wrapped around my head swami-style and Kleenex stuffed up my nose. As Annie would say, "HAWT!"

Dazed and Confused

I do not feel like working today. Not that I ever do really, but it does keep me from staying in bed 24/7. I did not want to get out of bed so bad today that I almost started crying. Pathetic, no? But I got up. Here I am. I was actually awake at 3:30 am this morning, just lying there. I should never be left alone with my thoughts. I couldn't go back to sleep, but I wasn't about to get up. Sometimes I'll get up and go online or get some water or something, but not this time. Just stayed there. Thinking.

Do you ever wonder what your life will be like in a year? 5 years? I keep a journal (other than this blog) and occasionally I try to guess. I'm not good at it. Life has a mind of its own. I had a very interesting session with my therapist yesterday. (She earns every penny with me.) Please don't judge me, it's kind of embarrassing to admit that kind of thing. I started seeing her (she is this really adorable 60-year-old woman) after my dad died. I just got really sick of having anxiety attacks and insomnia and depression and feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I didn't want advice on life really, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't losing it. She has assured me I'm normal. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? HAHA. I'm not going to tell you what we talked about, because hey, that may be a little too much info for the World Wide Web, but I will tell you that she really makes me think. Think in a way I've never thought before. You know, "out of the box". We even discuss religion, which is cool. She is training me to see things a little differently. I can be a little stubborn. Don't fall over with shock.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here, and I'm not sure why exactly. Sometimes the whole blogging thing seems weird. Why do I tell the world so much about myself? Why does anyone blog? Writing is a great therapy, and a good way to share with friends and family, but I think there has got to be more to it than that, because blogging is so popular. Maybe it's the human condition, we all want to be heard. No matter how many people you have in your life, married or not married, no matter if you are happy or sad or crazy, we want to feel connected. Some people write blogs, some people just read them, but all the same, here we are.

Working Hard.

Busted!

So Vivid

It's rare that I have a dream so vivid; the colors, the smells, the feeling that I was really there. Usually I have vivid nightmares, so this was an extra special treat. I'm hoping to continue it, but maybe I should just write the rest. (CrazyDogMama the romance novelist, HA!) Some of my nightmares have come true, so maybe the universe will work her magic with this one. Yeah, right after I get the pile of work done on my desk.

I actually tried to find a photo on the internet that could even come close to what I was seeing. I've never been anywhere like that, so I don't know where my brain got it, but GO BRAIN! The balcony was like this white stucco-type material and there were rocky islands in the ocean. It was a combo of these pics.

Imagine this.

You are looking over a high balcony at the beautiful crystal blue sea, far from home. It is dawn, the sun is coming up in a beautiful orange, pink and purple, and a salty sea breeze is blowing through your hair. All you have around you is the silky sheet from the cozy bed. Room service has just brought you mimosas and fresh fruit for breakfast that is waiting for you on the deck bistro table. It is warm out already and your lover comes up behind you and puts his arms around you (or her arms depending on who you are) and kisses your neck. Then I WOKE UP.

Sorry to leave you hanging.

But I was entirely too pissy this afternoon to even type. There are too many stupid people in the world. S.T.U.P.I.D. They drive me absolutely nuts. Most of the time I can just make fun of them and get a good laugh out of it, but some days it just really gets to me. Now, I am not Einstein or anything over here, but I think you guys know what I'm talking about. People with no common sense, or people that are completely unaware of their surroundings, etc. To name just a few, there are so many people that should not have a license to drive. Period. No one listens to me. EVER. I just need to go to bed. I'll be better tomorrow.

Frustrated, the other "F" word.

I really hate being frustrated. Just thought I'd let you know.

Warped Conversations

We haven't done cack this weekend. Lots of sleeping and laying in front the TV. Today is nice, sunny and warm, and the best we could muster up is to sit on the back patio under the umbrella. But you know, at least we moved. We turned on some tunes and just sat and talked. Sometimes our conversations are stimulating and sometimes, well, they are warped. Like for instance, after I took a shower, I put on some capris and flip flops to sit outside. Jim started laughing because I haven't shaved my legs for a couple of days. (YOU shut up.) He mimicked a wolf howling. I flipped him off, and as he continued to roll in hysterics, I pounded on him a little. I gave him the evil eye and started to think about what I would blog about today. I must have had the "I'm going to blog evil about you" look on my face because the next thing he said was, "The 'I'm a hero on your blog' shit is over, isn't it?" LOL. "Yes, indeed it is.", I said. "I'm going to tell the internet that you are listening to Air Supply and "How deep is your Love" by the BeeJees." Then I got the evil eye. "But you like it too!" "Yes", I said, "but I'm a girl".

So now I'm even. HA! Time to go BBQ steaks. I'm freaking starving.

Quick update on the continuing conversation:

Jim: (studying my cleavage) "Women's boobs get bigger when they gain weight, but how come men's penises don't get bigger when they gain weight? It doesn't seem fair."
My answer: "Because if that were true, every man in America would weigh 500 pounds."

View from the toilet.

I am REALLY bored today, can you tell? I just woke up. It is like, 1:30 pm. I did wake up earlier, but I justified reasons to crawl back in bed. It's one of those super lazy, wander around with no purpose kind of days.

I thought you might appreciate a nice photo from the toilet. A really, really BAD photo that I couldn't even fix in photoshop; but I digress. You see, the dogs follow me everywhere, and I mean everywhere. If I were to guess what they were saying in their heads, it would go something like this:

"What are ya doin'?"
"Are you done yet?"
"Is there food in here?"
"Can we have some food?"
"Where's the food?"

A new dish.

I made pork tenderloin in a homemade piccata sauce (capers, butter, lemon, white wine, parsley, my special chicken/beef stock, shallots, sea salt and cracked pepper), served with steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I ate ALL my veges! No potato! I'm bored with the same old things, so I got my cookbooks out. Jim thinks I'm completely out of my mind when I take pictures of my food, especially if we go to a restaurant. He pretends he doesn't know me. LOL. I can't help it.

My Hero

There is something you probably don't know about me, and that is that I am married to a real, live hero. Jim is a decorated combat veteran of the Gulf War. He courageously served his country with honors, and I am proud to know him. I think it is about time that I give him the recognition that he most definitely deserves, right here on my blog.
Jim served in the United States Army in Desert Storm in communications and ground combat. He has been rewarded with medals for his great leadership and the ability to cope effectively with things most of us would have trouble just hearing about. Some of his stories make me cringe, and for those of you who know me, know that that is hard to do.

Last night I was gazing up at his medals hanging on the wall. I decided to take them out of their case and clean everything up. I asked him to tell me about each one. He hesitated a bit, not knowing why I was asking, and also because he doesn't like to talk about it much. He gets embarrassed sometimes when people make a big deal out of it.

I love you, Jim. Thank you for what you did.

Starting at the top left, going from left to right:

1. Good Conduct Medal (self-explanatory.)
2. Purple Heart (For being wounded in combat, Jim was "gassed" with nerve gas from enemy forces.)
3. Bronze Star (For heroism, Jim fed starving Kuwaiti children and then ambushed men who came in to take it away.)
4. Army Commendation Medal (For good performance at a duty station.)
5. Army Achievement Medal (and I quote: "For saving everybody's ass on a field problem.")
6. Kuwaiti Liberation Medal (Awarded to Jim by the Saudi Arabian Government.)
7. Humanitarian Service Medal (For Jim's unit's involvement in "Operation Provide Comfort".)
8. Southwest Asia Service Medal (Self-explanatory.)
9. National Defense Service Medal (Awarded for being in the military during a time of war.)
10. Another Kuwaiti Liberation Medal (Awarded to Jim by the Kuwaiti Government.)

Are you paying attention?

The amount (and magnitude) of earthquakes, tornadoes, storms, economic woes, etc. is astounding right now. Interesting times we live in. I study this stuff.

I thought of something to blog about, and its interactive!

So, I was listening to iTunes at my desk and "Back in Black" came on by AC/DC. (You have to like that song.) *Note, someday I will be blaring that song while going Mach 5 in my newly purchased black '67 Camaro. Anyway, I started thinking about my childhood and how this song applied. Mostly it applied to me acting like a complete maniac, so I thought, how about a post of the 10 dumbest things I've ever done? Yeah. Good one. Also, all of you out there? Yeah, YOU. Tell me a couple of yours!

1. My friend Jesse had purchased a Camaro that barely ran; I think he paid $200 for it or something stupid. It had no windshield. No problem! We just put motorcycle helmets on, cranked "Back in Black" and cruised down Highway 203 at about 110. (He was driving.) I kept thinking "This could be hard to explain if we get pulled over."

2. I rode on the back of a Harley, twice, with just a bikini on. Burnt the SHIT out of my leg on the pipe. Twice.

3. Tried to make a big jump on ski's (without ever having taken a lesson) and landed on my head. I also jumped off of a ski lift once. Ouch.

4. Waterskied with a bikini on, and no life vest. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA.

5. Entered a drinking contest. OMFG.

6. Almost fell off of a Ferris wheel.

7. Dumped an entire bottle of "Sun In" on my hair. It turned bright Orange.

8. Pretty much every guy I dated from age 16 to 20.

9. Told some men in a bar that my boyfriend was going to kick their ass. I found out that we could run REALLY fast while intoxicated.

10. Rode a scooter for the first time and crashed into a blackberry bush.

I've got nothing.

Blah. Wednesday. At least its payday, but its spent already as usual. There is actually nothing of interest going on this week. So, tell me, internet, what do want me to talk about? The dogs are acting like idiots (nothing new there), I haven't felt like cooking anything, Jim is not doing anything, the weather is just boring and rainy, work is boring, nobody has died this week (OK, not funny), I haven't taken any pictures, and nobody has done anything lately for me to make fun of. So, there you have it.

How was YOUR morning?

All of this occurred before 9 am.

1. Drove alongside a fast-moving train on the way to work, and when it blew its whistle, I jumped from being startled, and spilled coffee all over my lap.

2. Broke a few dishes in the kitchen at work because I am a hopeless klutz.

3. Crashed my hard drive.

4. Completely screwed up a document and had to start over from scratch.

5. Ate fire-chili for dinner last night and paid dearly for it this morning in the work bathroom.

6. While in the bathroom and couldn't go anywhere, I heard my cell phone go off at my desk LOUDLY (because I forgot to it on vibrate) in an office environment where you can hear a pin drop.

Locking Gas Caps

First, I just got a locking gas cap and HATE. IT. and it hates me back. I was thinking that with gas prices rising out of control to $4 a gallon that it would be a smart move. It would have been smart if I wasn't as impatient as a spider monkey on crack. Jim gave me two keys: one for his truck, one for mine. They look identical. Do we mark them, so we know which one is which? Of course not. Also, I let my vehicle run down to fumes before I stop and get gas. I can't help it.

OK, so here I am coasting into the nearest gas station. I try to take the cap off as though it didn't lock. Oh, duh! Okay, go get keys. Put wrong key in twice. Put right key in. Do a half turn JUST LIKE IT SAYS. Pull. Nothing. Pull again. Nothing. I start to panic. Look at directions on cap again. Half turn, pull. MOTHER OF HELL! Start jumping around in frustration hitting and kicking vehicle. People start to stare. I am almost in tears. Grip cap/key with my life and pick one leg up and plant it next to the cap for leverage. Crank a half turn and pull with all of my might. COME ON DAMNIT! Walk around in a circle thinking. Go back to cap and do a half turn with the key again, grip the cap and turn a little more. OPEN! HOORAY! It only took 20 minutes. I seriously need someone to follow me around all day and just help me with stuff. You know?

Second, my mom called me from California and needed me to go get into one her "lock boxes" and send her something from inside it. OK, no problem. While looking through the box I found all kinds of fun stuff and got majorly distracted. I know, shocker. She had piles and piles of negatives in there. Fun! I start looking at all of them. OMG. Pictures I've never seen before. of ME. I found some particular bikini ones that just freaked me out. Did I EVER look like that? Holy crap! My favorite bikini, too! I remember it! No wonder I'm depressed. I sat and reminisced for a while and then took them home to print. (Don't worry, I'll put them back.) I am SO going to put this one on the frig. Okay, maybe I'll never look like that again, but the fact that I ever did gives me some extra motivation. I had ABS. ABS! Now, never mind the hair. Just don't look directly at it. Oh, and YES, it was necessary to put on earrings and makeup and hairspray to go the beach. That's how we got picked up to go waterskiing. Duh. Also, yes, my mom has redecorated since then. Thank GOD.

OK, I'll blog.

You guys are getting entirely used to me blogging every day, I'm getting emails wondering what's up, I haven't posted in over 24 hours now! LOL. So, what is up today, you ask? Well, I will try to put together a post that makes any kind of sense, my brain is all over the place. It's Monday, you know, and I am just now settling in at work with my coffee. I also had an early doctor's appt. this morning, which is such a super way to start the week. I've been seeing the same family doctor forever now, and she knows me pretty well. It was just a well-check, but the conversation was a little funny because I haven't been in for a while.

Doctor: "So how is your depression and anxiety?"
Me: "Well, depressing and stressful."
Doctor: (Just looks at me, then smiles.)  "OK."
Me: "I don't know, some days I'm OK, some days I'm not."
Doctor: "Are you making changes like we talked about?"
Me: "Sort of. I went bowling, does that count?"
Doctor: "Well, yes, that's a start. It's good for you to get out and socialize."
Me: "Can I get an EpiPen?"
Doctor: "What for?"
Me: "I'm allergic to wasps."
Doctor: "You are? I don't have that down here in your files."
Me: "Yes. I swell up and wheeze. I want to go outside a lot this summer."
Doctor: "When was your last reaction?"
Me: "About 19 years ago. I had to go to the emergency room."
Doctor: "19 years ago, and you are just now asking for an EpiPen?"
Me: "Yeah, I kept forgetting."
Doctor: (Sighs.)  "OK."

Sidenote: Some random construction worker (maybe in his 60's) just stopped me and asked me if he could use our restroom. I said, "How much money do you have?" Taking me seriously, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a quarter. I said to just leave it on the counter when he was done. He said OK. I am so mean! I am totally laughing right now, and if there is actually a quarter in there when I check I am going to howl in laughter.

We are mature, sophisticated adults.

A good time was had by all. Did anyone break 100? We all sucked badly, and it was hysterical. Something in my left leg is not right and hurts, (I'm limping!) so I did much better yesterday. I was also a designated driver, so I only had one beer (I know!) and someone kept drinking out of my beer glass! Hey Annie and Matt, thanks again for everything, you guys are the best! I'm so going to get you back for sneak-paying, though!

Work Bowling & Fiddler on the Roof

My work hosted a bowling night, which turned out to be "Maitai" night for me. I'm hungover, sore, and am going bowling AGAIN tomorrow with friends. I think I'm too old for all this physical activity. It is fun, but I am not a good bowler, I just make a fool out of myself, drinking or not.

In other news, my stepson did a great job playing "Perchik" in "Fiddler on the Roof"! I'm so proud of him, he is turning out to be quite the little actor.

LOST Thoughts

OK, what is up with "LOST"? There are so few TV shows I like, but LOST is by far my favorite. However, are you as frustrated as me? They answer, like, ONE question, then make 20 more. Sometimes I just want to stick a fork in my eye. I actually was fortunate to start watching the series late and got to rent Seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD where I got to watch them all in a row, without interruption and without forgetting what the hell is going on. Now that I'm having to watch week-to-week with 2-month breaks, it just SUCKS! It has a very complicated plot, and with so much going on it is so easy to forget things. Also, the commercials? WOW. Anyway, I'm sure if you watch you know exactly what I mean. If you don't watch? What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously folks, it's worth a watch. Go rent the seasons and get started. It does hurt my brain sometimes, but they do a really good job of combining science and spirituality. I'm constantly changing my theories.

OK, I have some bowling and drinking to go do.

Event Update & My Girl-Fight Story

Today I get to work (if you call blogging working), but tomorrow our company is hosting an all-day bowling event with AN OPEN BAR to celebrate our success. The people I work with are complete maniacs, I fit right in. Then, that night we're going to see Bill (my stepson) in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. Hopefully I won't smell like margaritas and bowling wax. LOL. Break a leg, Bill!

Saturday I'm going bowling again! I didn't plan it that way, but what fun! It will be me, Jim, Juice (Annie) and her hubs, and Hole (Beth). I will not be able to move by Sunday, I'm sure. Sunday is dinner/drinks with Yogagirl and hubby if we can swing it!

Bowling is excellent exercise for the hips, quads and my right arm. I'm still a little out of shape, though. OK, WAY out of shape. For a while there, I was pumping some serious iron. I could bench press 150lb, which is my personal best. That may not sound like much to the big guns like Skwigg and Yogagirl, but I was damn proud of it because some of the men I work with were all pissy that I could lift more than them. Sorry, boys! I've always been a little freakishly strong, without much effort. I grew up with all boys, not brothers, just friends. For some reason I got along better with boys. Go figure. I have these really muscular legs, and my guy friends taught me all kinds of things like how to fight and how to play sports, including wrestling. I guess I was a little naive thinking they were just being 'helpful' teaching me to wrestle, but, um, yeah. I get that now. HA. Pervs. Anyway, this is a good segue way into my story. I'm running out of blog material, so bear with me.

It was Junior High. Hell on Earth. Did anyone like Junior High? What a crap fest. Okay, let's just go with I hated Junior High. (Highschool was fun, though) I was going through that awkward braces/hormone balancing time that all us girls fondly remember. I did, however, still have an attitude with side of sarcasm. Not much different than today. In P.E., there was this girl who just gave me the hardest time. I didn't do anything to warrant this, but once she started, she wouldn't stop. I was athletic during class, but afterwards in the locker rooms, I would get myself all dolled up to go back to class. You know, tons of hairspray, perfume and such. She would make fun of me and call me "princess" and other colorful terms. She (Shara) happened to be this star gymnast, and she was a "rocker". Remember those? Lots of black makeup, black leather, Megadeath T-shirts? Yeah. She thought she was tough. She ran her piehole a lot. Most of the time I would just hurl sarcasm and whatnot, but one day she decided she wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone by kicking my ass. Let me tell you how that turned out for her.

We were doing "wrestling week" at school in P.E. class, and Shara must have thought this would be a great time to defeat hairspray girl. They had us form two lines facing each other, and the next person from each side would go in the middle of the lines and 'wrestle'. Shara counted the people in line and correctly positioned herself so that she would be wrestling me. She was being particularly mean to me that day, following me around harassing me. I'd had it. I was ready. BRING IT, BITCH. She had no idea what she was doing. Here we go, face off! She tried to sweep her arm around my neck and bring me down, but instead I knocked her off of her feet inside of 4 seconds and pinned her down without even breaking a sweat. She was all red-faced and I thought her eyeballs were going to pop out. She was SO angry. She couldn't get up. She couldn't even move. She started yelling and I just looked down at her, calmly and intensely. When I finally let her up, she glared at me, and I figured I'd probably get knifed later or something. Whatever.

I didn't (and don't) consider myself to be extraordinarily tough or anything, I think I just had enough anger, adrenaline and training to get the job done that day. Afterwards, in the locker room, she decided she wanted to fight. She started in on me about my hair again, and I snapped and pushed her up against the lockers intending to punch her the face, but a teacher stopped me, and we both got detention. Shara's friends just stood by and watched slack-jawed because it was unprecedented for me to react with violence. It was so weird between us after that. She didn't say another word to me for two years. One day in the library right before our graduation to Highschool, she saw me studying and came up to me and asked me for help with something school related. I was ASTONISHED. She ended up apologizing to me for all the crap she gave me. Is that not a fun story? I love telling that story. I don't know what ever happened to her, but I hope she is happy and well.

Through My Eyes

Sometimes when I'm blue, taking photographs can take me to a different world. You really look at things, most of the time much differently than you would without the camera. You think differently. I guess that is the definition of art expression, and in this case my expression is through my own eyes, what I see. I did photoshop a couple of the pics for effect, but the others are untouched at this point. I'm really not much of a photographer, but I try, and I enjoy it. I'm not trying to dwell on death, or any of my other haunts, but this quote from Plato (the Greek Philosopher) kept coming to my mind when I was photographing some of the flowers. (Yes, I read Plato.) I also like the latter quote by Emily Dickenson.

"The soul takes flight to a world that is invisible; but there arriving, she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise." -Plato

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words And never stops at all." --Emily Dickenson

Last Monday after my "Who am I?" post, on my last day of vacation, I went to breakfast at my local bakery (The Sultan Bakery), had a wonderful low-calorie (Ha!) breakfast with homemade French toast, homemade jam, scrambled eggs and the best bacon I've EVER tasted, and then headed off to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival. (Tulips are my favorite flower - the colors are so stunning.) It was about an hour's drive North. The weather was ominous getting there, but once there, it was beautiful and sunny. A perfect day for taking pictures. Okay, it was a little bit girly for me, but hey, it happens.

Happy Birthday to Jim!

My 5 days off is over. Wah. Now, of course, it's sunny. Jim is out golfing all day today for his big 4-0 birthday. (Happy Birthday!) He is not all that thrilled about turning 40, but the free-golf-on-your birthday is helping, I'm sure. I made him a cake yesterday and he requested steak for dinner tonight (of course). His mom and I went in together to get him a new recliner since his old one was completely hammered. It is a nice one and being that he falls asleep in it almost every night, he really needed it. I am way broke now, though, because of the SUV repairs and the birthday expenditures. We can't afford to do much else, so I hope he is happy with those things.

Who am I?

To my dear readers, if I have any left. I'm sorry for all the 'downer' posts lately, I know I can be a serious buzzkill. It's just that I have really come to a point in my life where I'm questioning everything. Yes, it is true that I have been hit quite hard in the last 5 months with some pretty big stuff. Death makes you really rethink many things. I feel as though several 'chapters' of my life have been closed. I can never go back, things have been left unsaid, undone. You really do change, I've changed. I have so many questions. What am I doing? Where am I going? What are my goals? I must be here for some reason. Is there something I am supposed to be doing that I'm not, or vice versa?

This may sound like a super cheesy B movie (I should have been an actress), but what am I destined to do? If anything. Will I have a legacy? Or will my life simply end at some point? There are two particular incidents that come to mind that happened to me, where I am amazed I still walk the earth. One was back in 1997. I was driving to work on an old back country road. I was going around 50 mph. Suddenly a deer popped out onto the road, giving me ZERO time to react, and it slammed full-on into my windshield. I shut my eyes tight, held on the steering wheel, and instinctively slammed on the brakes. I felt the car (I had a sedan at the time) slide sideways into oncoming traffic, then get all bumpy, obviously in the brush. I came to a stop after what seemed like a lifetime and slowly opened my eyes. My lunch was all over my car, along with the contents of my purse, but the windshield wasn't broken, and I was ALIVE. I looked to my left and it took my breath away. If my car had slid 4 more inches, I would have rolled (or sailed) off of about 100-foot incline. There was no way I could get out, and I thought for a brief moment that if I even opened the car door, that the car would lose ground. In a about a split second, I slammed the gear into first and put the pedal to the metal. Back onto the road. At that point I was shaking, but I don't remember ever uttering a peep. I looked back to where I had slid and saw these huge black skid marks that went on forever. I guess it wasn't my time to go.

The other time was about 6 months ago. I was driving home on Highway 2 (which is nicknamed the highway of death because of all the head-on collisions), and it was late at night. I don't think much of the dangers anymore because I drive it every day, but that night I had another brush with death. I was driving along around 60 mph. There is no divider between lanes for oncoming traffic, and to my right was only a small metal railing that separates you from a cliff down to farmland, or to the Skykomish river. I was at the river point. There are no lights whatsoever except vehicle headlights. Suddenly, a truck (I think), swerved into my lane. I don't know if the person was sleepy, drunk or what. I was sober and had all my faculties about me, but I had NO WHERE to go. If I brake hard, I risk getting slammed from behind or sliding sideways into oncoming traffic, and if I go to the right, I risk flying into the river. Great. Again, I shut my eyes thinking "Okay, this IS IT. Please God don't let it hurt too much." I heard no braking, no tires squealing, no screaming, no nothing. I know I kind of swerved right a little hoping to avoid the head-on. There was NO WAY I could have made it. When I opened my eyes, I was just driving. Straight and normal. I didn't even think the person had time to swerve back over, but I guess they did. It had to have been by inches. Again, I guess it wasn't my time. Very strange occurrence.

Anyway, I'm just feeling odd. Like I can't quite figure out what to do with myself. I suppose time will help me, but even before all this, I was feeling anxious and unsettled. Most of you know I believe in God. You probably don't believe I do, but I do. I'm not much of a churchgoer anymore, churches make me mad. I don't feel close to God when I'm sitting in a pew, I feel close to God when no one is home and I'm kneeling in the dark. I've been doing that a lot lately. Asking God what it is I'm supposed to do. How do I help my mom? What do I do with my life? I feel like I am in some sort of limbo, frozen-like. Is that weird? That's a dumb question, isn't it? Of course it's weird. Almost everyone I know has a plan. Taking care of their kids, working hard at their career, saving for retirement, blah, blah, blah. Not me. I'm flying by the seat of my damn pants.

It's actually sunny today. The snow is melting. I'm going to go somewhere. Anywhere. I'm also hungry.