Why I don't want (and shouldn't have) kids.

Note: I don't hate all kids, I just don't want any. I love my stepson, we get along great. He is going to teach me more about web page design. I get asked all the time if I am planning to have kids. When I reply no, I get a ration of crap on how it would be different if it was my own, I need to contribute to society, it would make me less self-centered, etc. Contribute to society? Bah! and who wants to be less self-centered? That's no fun at all.

When I get home from my 10–16-hour workdays, all I want to do is have a drink and fall asleep. I don't make dinner, I don't do laundry, I really don't do anything. I like it that way. (I do give Lou & mags all the belly scratching they want.)

If the kid was bad, or if I wanted to go see a movie, I would want to put it in a crate. Society tends to frown on this. Plus, I would need a bigger crate.

I swear a lot.

I don't think babies are cute. I am afraid of them. My first instinct is to pet them. I run and hide (literally) when friends of mine have babies and want me to "see" them.

I spend a lot of time naked when I am at home.

I would have more pictures of the dogs than the kid in my wallet. My stepson has just recently come to terms with my dog obsession. It took 12 years.

It's all about me.

I didn't like kids when I WAS a kid. What makes you think I'd like them now?

I am politically incorrect. Could you see me at a PTA meeting?

Kids slow me down at Disneyland.

I don't really like cartoons or kiddie movies.

When I want to take a nap, I TAKE A NAP.

When asked by a kid if they can have chocolate milk, or candy instead of dinner, or Mountain Dew instead of water or milk, I say "sure". I lead by example, and I don't like confrontation.

Giving birth has been compared to kidney stones. I've had kidney stones. That's enough.

EVERY SINGLE MOM I KNOW is absolutely thrilled when they get a day "without the kids". They are downright giddy about it. That really makes me go hmmmmmm.

There is something wrong with me.

I just bought a rubber stamp that says, "I kiss my dog on the lips".

Oops.

My husband is going to kill me. I was so in a hurry this morning (and half asleep) that I took Jim's keys instead of mine. Usually, it wouldn't be that big of deal since we have duplicate keys on our keyrings, BUT my set of keys were in my purse. Yep, that's right - I have both sets today. We have never made any extra keys to leave in the house, being the total irresponsible idiots that we are. We live about a 1/2 mile from Jim's work, but I'm not sure how thrilled he is going to be about walking. Crap. I am an hour away. I just left a message because he sleeps until 11 am. I'll have to give him a backrub or something.

Eyedrops Suck.

Did you ever watch that episode of Friends where Rachel freaks out and gets pinned down on the floor because she can't give herself (or let anyone else give her) eyedrops? That's me, totally. It freaks me out to let anything touch my eyes. I could never wear contacts. It was interesting last night when I was trying to give myself eyedrops for my pink eye. I close my eye JUST as the drop falls. The drop runs down my face like a tear. Damn. I try again. Same thing. I try holding my eye open. I freak out and drop the eye dropper-thingee in the sink, let out a shriek, then start cussing myself out. The dogs bark at me when I shriek. I gotta figure out how to tell the doctor I need another prescription because it takes almost the whole bottle to give myself one dose. I am supposed to do this 4 times a day for a week. Yeah, right. Just take my eye out now and save the hassle.

Pink Eye!

That's right, folks! CrazyDogMama has Pink Eye! Yucky! I'm quarantined at the moment while my eye produces goo. At first I thought it was allergies, but then two of my co-workers were sent home with it, so I decided to go to the doctor. Yup, got it. Can't go to the restaurant tonight (bummer! Hehe.) It kinda feels like I have an eyelash stuck in my eye, or like when I have eye-crusties from hell. I am supposed to go to a "Passion Party" tomorrow night, but I'm not sure if anyone will want me touching the sex toys. Ha!

TV Blues

There is nothing on TV that I want to watch. Sigh. Since Friends has ended, I think I've turned the TV on once. I loathe, LOATHE reality shows. Now, before you start spitting on your computer screen at me, I don't loathe the people that WATCH them, just the shows themselves. They really irritate me for some reason. American Idol, Survivor, all of them. It is just way too frustrating for me to watch. I seem to have the opposite opinion of the general public, so the whole voting thing just sends me into a fit. I know that Friends is "mainstream", but it really just cracks me up. I own all the seasons that have been released so far. Pathetic, huh? I guess I'm just stuck with Netflix for now since I'm a movie-junkie. Whatever you do, DON'T rent Elvira's Haunted Hills, it's really lame. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, however, rocks. :) Maybe I should be Elvira this year for Halloween?

Mocha Madness & Riding in Cars with Dogs

So, on Mother's Day I decided to take the dogoids with me to my mom's house. (Jim went to his mom's house by himself; we didn't have enough time to do both sets of parents together.) As you know, riding in the car is not the calmest experience with Louie and Maggie. DumbAssDogMama decided that because her head was pounding from a headache, some caffeine was in order, so I stopped at one of those drive-thru espresso stands. Once I put on the emergency break, (this is the queue for the dogs to launch) Louie dives for the window on my side, right across my lap. Pushing the fur away from my face trying to get Louie off of me, I manage to spurt out "Could I get an iced mocha with whip, please?" The girl in the coffee box was holding back laughter, I could tell. Maggie then starts her ear-piercing "Oh my GOD a NEW person" squeal. As I am trying to dig money out of my purse, I am yelling at the dogs to sit, get down, shut up, sit and stay, none of which is working. The barista girl hands me my mocha, and I put it in my cup-holder telling the dogs to "stay out of it". She also hands me 2 Milkbones. (What a sweetheart.) Thinking the dogs are now occupied with the treats, I hand her my money. I TURN AWAY FOR ONE SECOND and BOOM! There is Louie face-down in my mocha. I scream "NO! NO! NOOOOOO!" That's MAMA'S MOCHA!" Louie raises his fuzzy little head and reveals his whip-creamed nose. He has on his little doggie smile, and it looks like he is ready to shave. The barista girl is now busting up. I just give up.

Fun Stuff on a Stupid Day

I stole this idea.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:

"Or try multigrain, oat and bran, rye, or whole wheat breads." This is from my lunch-time purchase of The South Beach Diet Cookbook. I'm getting sick of my Eating for Life Cookbook. Is it OK to drink a mocha Frappuccino while glancing through a diet cookbook?

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?

My other purchase of "Burt's Bees Body Lotion". It smells just like the coconut oil I used to wear to the beach. MMMMMM.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

The news. Boooooring.

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.

2:45 pm.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

2:49 pm. I am at work, whadya expect?

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

Machinery. I work at a manufacturing plant.

7. When did you last step outside? what were you doing?

Lunchtime. I went to the bookstore, the bank, got a Frappuccino and bought a bra. What do YOU do on your lunch break?

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at?

I was catching up on my favorite bloggers.

9. What are you wearing?

A rusty orange colored V-neck cotton shirt, black slacks and black leather shoes.

10. Did you dream last night?

Yes, I remembered it when I woke up, but I can't remember now. They have been quite interesting lately - I should write them down.

11. When did you last laugh?

When my husband called me on my lunch break. I was at the drive-thru at the bank, and I had just put on my new Burt's Bees hand lotion. I was making a deposit. I told my husband to hold on while I sent it through. The teller was chatty and asked me if I had just been tanning because she could smell coconuts. I exclaimed "Oh my God - you can smell my hand lotion through those tube thingees? She busted up laughing and so did my husband. She said "No, I can smell it on your checks." My husband said to me: "I love you. You make me laugh." I realized what a bonehead I sounded like and started laughing and couldn't stop.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

A clock. A calendar. An inspirational picture. My office sucks.

13. Seen anything weird lately?

I see something weird about every 10 minutes. The last thing I saw was someone washing a plastic fork in the kitchen sink. Aren't you supposed to throw those things away?

14. Last movie you saw?

10.5. Lame. But I do love disaster movies. Can't wait for "The Day After Tomorrow".

15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

A completely restored black 1967 RS SS Camaro. No, actually, FIRST I'd probably buy some Ibuprofen from the bump I got on my head from falling over from shock.

16. Tell me something about you that I don't know.

I can barf on queue. Talented, aren't I?

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

That question makes my brain hurt. I don't freakin' know.

18. Do you like to dance?

Yes, but not in public. I like to dance naked in front of the dogs. They seem to enjoy it.

19. George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?

I don't 100% agree with everything he has done, but generally, I am a supporter. It is a good thing I am not President because I would have just nuked Iraq. I went to an AC/DC concert back in 91' - and they were selling "Fuck Iraq" t-shirts. I should have bought one.

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

A total accident. I would name her either Ellie (short for Elsie which was my grandma's name) or Riley.

21. Same question for a boy

Wyatt. That was my maiden name.

22. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Yes. But I like America, so I wouldn't stay there long.

Twilight Zone Tower of Terror!

OOHH, I need to go on THAT new ride! I haven't been to the Disneyland Resort since Christmas of 2001. That is WAY.TOO.LONG. for me!!! I am a complete Disneyland junkie. I am waiting for the new Space Mountain to open up in 2005 before I book a trip. That is my favorite ride, and it would just be too sad to go if I couldn't make that my first (and last) ride. Its tradition, and you don't monkey with tradition. Still, though, I want to go bad. I feel like just getting in the car and going. I hate being an adult. All this responsibility shit sucks.

Wet Dog Contest

Hee-hee, Maggie loves to play in the lake, but she flips out during bath time. Jim has to do it because I can't keep her still. This past bath time event was too funny for words. While Maggie was thrashing around in the bathtub, Louie, who if you recall hides behind the toilet when I say "bath", jumped INTO the bathtub to rescue Maggie! Now THAT'S love!! I am not going to talk about the fact that Louie had already received his grooming beforehand, and so got completely messed up doing that. Ahh, the joys of being a dogmama.

Look at that tongue! Is that the doggie equivalent of flipping me off?

Bees and Neighbors

It is quite difficult to find the motivation to blog when things are so completely uneventful. There are days when I could write a novel about the drama that is my life, then there are days when all I have to say is feh. This is one of those days. The most exciting thing about this weekend so far is that I had my last scrapbooking workshop for a while. We had pizza and mudslides (Mmmm.) and got drunk on the mudslides. We got nothing accomplished; it was basically just a bunch of women sitting around drinking and bitching with pictures laid out in front of them. The dogs have been romping in the grass with all the sunny weather, but we have a major wasp problem this year, so mostly I run in and out of the house making sure the dogs don't get stung. There is much yelling, "Stop eating grass, there could be a bee in there! Stop rolling, there might be a bee under you! Get away from the bees!" I guess you could say I'm a little overprotective. I, myself, am terrified of bees. I am very allergic to them, and of course have never purchased a bee kit. My husband calls me "Dances with Bees".

Speaking of yelling, I just thought of something funny. My beloved neighbors (huh.) have decided to build a gigantic monstrosity in their backyard, probably specifically to annoy me. It is this big cedar swing set/playset for their little beasts. I found out that the wife (who I refer to as Skeletor because she looks just like him. Can you say ugly skinny?) is thinking of starting a daycare at her home. Apparently, God hates me. Can you imagine CrazyDogMama living next to a frigging daycare? Help me now. Anyways, the other day Skeletor and some other stupid woman had 5 kids back there playing and I, of course, was yelling at the dogs to watch out for bees. I said something like "Get your fuzzy little asses in here!" Two kids started crying, and the other three looked at me like they were "Godsend" children. The two adults glared. I hope they all get stung. Here is a picture of the damn thing:

Bones and Funnel Clouds

What a day. Yesterday it was all nice and warm and everyone was happy. Today, not so much. I woke up with a headache and called work to tell them I would be late. I got there at 10 am. (I start at 6:30 am). I always get headaches when the weather can't make up its mind. It is 20 degrees cooler today than yesterday. Then, there was a thunder and lightning storm with claps of thunder so loud I dove under my desk. The building I work in is mostly glass, so it freaks me out. (You should have seen me in 2001 when we had a 6+ earthquake.) Driving home, my mom calls my cell phone. I can't find my frigging phone. I'm throwing shit all over my car while driving trying to find my phone because I absolutely can't stand not answering a ringing phone, or at least checking the caller ID. She tells me to watch out for lightning bolts and funnel clouds. Apparently, the news said it is wreaking havoc on the freeway drivers. Super, mom. Now I'm worried about the dogs. I decided to stop and get them some bones to chew on in case they are scared. Now my house smells like hooves. Yum.

Puppies and Sunshine

Good morning all, here I sit at my desk eating a chonga bagel and drinking an iced mocha. No low carbs here! OK, so my diet sucks right now. I spent the whole day yesterday CLEANING. I am sorer from that, than from my workout. Getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing just kicks my ass. The dogs are even exhausted from following me back and forth. There's nothing like having little doggie tongues licking your toes when you are scrubbing the bathroom floor. I also gave them both a bath, which is an event in and of itself. I end up wetter than the dogs, and the amount of hair that gets all over the bathroom could make a whole new dog. (Hence the bathroom cleaning.) They are serious pains-in-the-ass. But at least they smell good now!!!! Hey, let's all congratulate Nichole on her new puppy Kipper! May she have all the best puppy breath!

It's going to be 80 degrees here today, and I'm just not ready. I like sunshine, don't get me wrong, but I have no summer clothes and I am pasty-white. I could blind small children and animals with my whiteness. Guess I better get on that, huh?

Hangin' Around

I really had to think about my last picture post. What in the holy hell was Louie doing? I went into the bedroom and found that he somehow got tangled up in the hanger I use for my "restaurant uniform" that had fallen to the ground. It made more sense at that point because I usually spill oogobs of pasta sauce on myself while working. Louie is a nutjob when it comes to human-food. He will do anything. I have caught him strattling the recliner and the end table trying to get to a candy wrapper. Anyway, I am figuring that he was going for the lick-mama's-uniform routine and somehow managed to get stuck in the hanger. Then, when he couldn't figure out how to get out of it, and all the pasta sauce on my shirt had been consumed, he decided he was still hungry and moseyed on down to his food bowl. It was at that point that I saw him. Luckily, I had my camera sitting out. Do my dogs get into the trash? No. Do my dogs chew on slippers? No. Do my dogs get tangled up in hangers? Yes! Never a dull moment with Cairn terriers.

Really?

Trying to figure out what is going on here.

The Crazy Restaurant Biz

So, last week I was seconds away from being fired for my attitude, and then last night I'm getting begged to stay. The restaurant biz is psycho. I guess the best plan of action is be your confident self, be ethical, and don't take any shit from anyone. At some point they will respect you, usually. My life is one of these "I have no idea what is going to happen from one moment to the next" kind of lives.

Speaking of which, Louie peed on the bed again. That damn dog. Every now and then we have these frigging dominance issues. Its maddening. Ooohh - I gotta go - work is getting busy. I'll be back.

Louie no like swimming.

Tidbits

There is absolutely nothing exciting going on. The best I can do is this: I am looking for a new part-time restaurant job because my new bosses are irritating me. It is not good to irritate CRAZYDOGMAMA. I have been working, then going home and going straight to bed. I keep having these crazy dreams that I can remember in freaky detail. They haunt me all day long. What does THIS mean? Lou and Mags have been pretty lazy the last few days - they aren't exciting either. Well, I guess boring is better than bad, huh? As soon as something remotely interesting happens, I'll let you know.

Gotta Tell Ya

That song "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak just makes me want to take all my clothes off and dance around my office. That's probably not a good idea, though.

The Future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Well, not really, but it has been unusually warm here in ol' Sultan. Apparently, it was 90 degrees on Easter! Wow! We don't usually get above 70 in April. Took some more pics. Extreme silliness here. I broke out the shades and snapped a shot of the view from my driveway. I don't feel like working today, so I'm playing with my blog. I'm going to get so fired someday.





OK, just SHUT UP about the BAD makeup job on my forehead. Leave me alone.

It's Monday, AGAIN.

Well, after a whirlwind week, Monday is rearing its ugly head at me. Hopefully, with only working two shifts at the restaurant this week, I will be able to relax a bit. I also need to get back to the gym and clean up my eating. We did eggs benedict (surprise!) and mimosas for Easter brunch, thanks Yogagirl for the idea! I cooked a ham on Saturday afternoon with scalloped potatoes, asparagus and this really good Italian bread from Costco. I had French silk chocolate pie and Easter candy afterward. I ate an entire plate of tortellini in a tomato cream sauce Saturday night. Can you say HOLY CRAP? I ate like a hell-cow! (Thanks, Skwigg, for coining that term.) Oh, and let's not forget all the Oreos I ate on Friday, yikes. I am feeling a little bloated this morning, but I do have 3 dozen brightly colored hard-boiled eggs to consume. I figure if I take the yokes out of every other one, I'll be set for healthy snacks for a while.

I made my stepson watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake this weekend. (I make everyone watch it.) I know it is not what you would call a good "Easter" movie, but oh well. He liked it, but he did say "Oh, SICK!" a lot. Hee-hee.

The weather was fabulous this weekend, I did a little picture-taking. Here is my cherry tree blooming in my front yard. Can you find the bee?

Recovering

I finally got some sleep last night. It was only 6 hours, but that is 6 hours more than I got the night before. I look like death warmed-over. When my alarm went off this morning, the dogs didn't even move. (If mama doesn't sleep, dogs don't sleep.) When I got up to pee, Louie lifted his head up (with all of his fur mashed on one side of his head, so cute) and looked at me like, "Have fun at work, I'm going back to sleep." and *thud* down went the little fuzzy head. I took a shower and came into the bedroom to get dressed where the dogs were STILL on the bed. At that point I made them get up and go potty.

The restaurant nightmare is still looming, but last night was fairly mellow. I guess I'm just going to wait and see what happens. I'm in no mood to look for another job, and you never know, it might turn out OK. I am probably going to cut my shifts down from four a week, to two a week. It is possible that will make me more gooder.

Oh, gotta go, time to take a Vivarin.

Not doing so good.

Last week sucked. Job security is over with my second job. I am a little stress ball right now because I depend on my second income. Needless to say, I'm not eating well, either. In fact, I'm hardly eating at all. This is NOT good. I'm going to royally screw up my metabolism if I'm not careful.

I called in mentally ill today from my office job. Crazydogmama is having panic attacks. My day job is not secure either, money is tight there and I'm worried about layoffs.

OK, enough of the drama, I'm putting up some puppy pictures of Louie just for fun. Let's all wish Yogagirl happy puppy shopping!

Oh, the JOY!

I get to buy the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003" on DVD today! The bummer is I have to work a double shift, so if I actually want to WATCH it, I have to give up sleep. I might just do that. Every now and then its OK. There's nothing like watching a chainsaw-wielding madman while curled up on the couch with your fuzbutts!

I am the kind of person that...

...eats all of their candy before the actual movie starts.

...can keep a secret.

...thinks everyone in Hollywood needs to be bitch-slapped.

...could never stand "Madonna".

...prefers to sleep without sheets on the bed.

...turns on the air conditioner in the bedroom even when it is snowing outside.

...starts to eat their "to go" order in the car before getting home to use a plate and utensils.

...thinks organized sports are a waste of time.

...would rather pet a dog than hold a baby.

...drinks milk with pizza.

...won't argue unless I know I am right (I won't argue about opinion-based statements).

...likes cooked vegetables but not raw ones.

...won't eat a dessert that has fruit or nuts in it.

...believes in true love.

...would go into a burning house to get a dog and a scrapbook.

...can get up at 4am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to scrapbook at camp after 3 hours of sleep but has to have 3 shots of espresso and 2 "No-Doz" to function at work after 8 hours of sleep.

...gets REALLY irritated when people spell "lose" with two "O's" (loose).

...would rather eat gourmet food than "down-home cooking".

...hates to talk on the phone.

...walks around the house naked.

...can't wear turtle necks because they are claustrophobic.

...sees the glass as "filled halfway" rather than "half empty" or "half full".

What is it with McDonalds?

It's not that I was there AGAIN, but it's that I had another encounter with a fuckwad! My husband put a bumper sticker on my car that identifies our political stance. At approximately 6 am this morning I was driving to work to do some overtime. I was hungry and thirsty. I was barely awake. The 6 shots of espresso I had already consumed just wasn't enough. I decided to stop by Micky-D's. I was not blocking any lane this time. As I prepared to give my order into the magic box, I hear, "What a fucking loser!" screamed at the top of Mr. Big-Truck's lungs behind me. (What IS it with big trucks?) I really didn't know he was speaking to me at first. I was just thinking "Dude, you're harshing my buzz yelling like that." I drove forward. Again, I hear, "You stupid fuck, what a waste of a vote!" Now I'm thinking, "What the hell is wrong with everyone?" Is it really necessary to be this much of dick this early in the morning? Do you really think what you're saying to me is going to make me think anything except that you are a loudmouth retard? I didn't hang out my window and give him a piece of my mind this time. I let it go. I was giggling a little, though, at the sheer stupidity of it all. He kept riding my bumper really close, and shaking his head as if he was impatient. I kept thinking "OH PLEEEEEZ hit me, that would be so freaking hilarious."

So far, that is my excitement for the day. I thought I would share.

What is wrong with me?

Remember that weight loss/muscle gain "competition" that I was doing with an unnamable person? Well, I'm losing. I'M LOSING. CRAP! I just can't seem to stick with anything except eating chocolate. Doing that on a regular basis is no problem. I am starting to think that competition doesn't motivate me. It actually scares the hell out of me. I start out with the kick-butt attitude, then I end up wanting to sit in the corner and cry until I can't see out of my eyes and snot is dripping down onto my shirt. I guess, though, if I could figure out how to make this all easy. I would be a billionaire and then some. I may have to take a break from my trainer because I am feeling the need to pay more towards some of my bills. I love training, but it is very expensive, and I have written down a whole notebook of workouts that I could use on my hiatus. I also don't know how much longer I can be a scrapbook consultant. I am not selling as much as I need to be. OK, I know it sounds like I am this pathetic giver-upper, but actually the doctor says I need to CHILL, and cut some things out in order to have more relax time. *Sigh* I'm not good at relaxing. Jim thinks I am a freak when I start cleaning the house at 10 pm and won't stop.

Louie and Mags are good little listeners. While sitting on the toilet this morning, I explained my life's dilemmas to them. They cocked their heads and moved their ears back and forth. When about halfway through, Louie started licking my leg as if to say, "I'm sorry mama, but PLEASE SHUT UP NOW AND LET US OUT!"

I'm Baaack

OK, so I took a few days off from blogging, but I'm back now. Things have been utterly chaotic to say the least. I went to scrapbook camp last weekend, and when I came back, I had, like, a bazillion emails to answer. That took about 2 days. Then yesterday I had to work a crazy/busy double shift from 6 am to 11 pm. I have to work another double shift today, too. I AM Dawn of the Dead. (I haven't seen that movie yet, by the way, but it's on my list when I have a spare 2 hours, ha!) Last night at the restaurant, I chatted with a couple of my customers. Somehow or another the name of my blog came up. They seemed very interested in reading it. (If you are reading, hello!) It is a crazy, crazy world, isn't it?

The COOLEST thing happened to me today. You remember that my husband works nights, well, he got up with me this morning, gave me a backrub, THEN fixed me breakfast! Do I have the BEST HUSBAND EVER or what? OMIGOD, I feel so lucky! So, even in the midst of chaos, I am truly blessed. OK, I'm getting entirely too warm and fuzzy here. For all you jealous people out there who are rolling your eyes right now, I will leave you with this: I work 70 motherfucking hours a week, then clean and scrub the house on the weekends. Bite me.

Guerilla Art and Lateness

There is a great article by Keri Smith. It is about Guerilla Art, and it is from March 2008. What a most excellent idea! It is about leaving anonymous art in public places. I love crazy little ideas like that. I would do it, then hang around to get digital pics of people's expressions. That is the "sneaky moto" in me. "Sneaky moto" is a term I learned from an instructor at the police academy. He used to say it all the time, and it cracked me up.

I was an hour late to work today. When I woke up, my alarm was going off, but I looked at the clock and it was an hour later than it was *supposed* to be. The alarm was set right, so I must have slept through the first hour of it going off. Yikes. I must have been tired. I flew out of bed and started running down the hallway to call my boss. He wasn't there yet, but I left this half-asleep, freaky little message. I'm sure he thought I must have been drinking the night before based on my message. I then came to my senses, slowed down and took my time. Who really cares? I waltzed right in, and no one said anything. I hope it doesn't affect the raise I'm supposed to get.

NERD ALERT, or FREAK ALERT? You decide!

When I was a young girl, I got my first start on computers playing Text Adventures by Scott Adams. Did any of you do this? OH. MY. GOD. These were the SHIT. I had a Texas Instruments Computer, and to save a game I had to use an actual audio tape! I even remember the code was "CS1"! Ha! I spent many an hour playing these text adventures. I think the Pirate Adventure and Ghost Town were my favorites. My mom also played these games, and her and I spent a HUGE portion of our life completely consumed by them. My artistic mother even drew very detailed MAPS and stuff! She still has them! I can remember getting stuck in Ghost Town, so I *mailed* a letter to Scott Adams asking for help. It took about 2 months to get a reply, but he sent me the hint I needed! Can you imagine having to wait 2 months for ONE hint? Too funny. We used to pay something like 40$ for each game. They are still fun, even though the games they have out now are insanely better. I don't play computer games anymore, although you may find me goofing around with the PlayStation every now and then, while eating Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. CAUTION: You may become addicted.

YOHO! (That's a hint!) ;-)

It's a Wonderful Life

You think that until the weekend is over.

 
You know it's going to be an interesting week when you wake up and think to yourself, "How in the hell am I going to get through this week?" I need to shake things up a bit in my mundane, routine-oriented workweeks. We celebrated my stepson's Birthday this weekend when he came over, and also my father-in-law's birthday. I had to work that night at the restaurant, so we ate steak and birthday cake at 2:30 in the afternoon. I cleaned the house furiously before they all came over, and it is now a mess again. ALREADY. I also have mushrooms growing in my carpet. Yes, I said MUSHROOMS. We have a leak in one of our radiant heaters (we think) and black mold is growing just above the baseboard in my office, along with some mushrooms sprouting up where the carpet and the baseboard meet. It is really lovely. I am completely freaked out because people keep telling me how serious this is. Jim is going to have to rip a hole in the wall and scrub with bleach. That will be nice. Then, if we are lucky, we will find the leak and fix it. We have no money right now, so we have to figure this out ourselves. I am also reacting badly to the mold. (I am allergic to EVERYTHING.) I woke up last week with my eyes swollen shut, I am constantly sneezing and biting my tongue while I sneeze (OUCH!) and I itch everywhere. I am worried that one of the dogs is going to die from mushroom poisoning. If it is not one thing, it is another.

Attitude Adjustment

Louie and I had a talk. We discussed him being a butthole. I told him that I didn't want him to be a butthole anymore. He said OK.

Sometimes you don't want to know what is going on.

I have been spending an OBSCENE amount of time online reading about what is going on in the world. You might say I'm "catching up on world events". I have been seriously isolated from the news lately, or maybe I've just been putting my head in the sand. Well, not anymore. I think everyone needs to know what is going on. I don't like the typical "media bias", so I look to all different kinds of sources for my info. I think if you are going to vote, you should have ALL the facts. From some of the idiots I've talked to recently, I'm starting to think you should have to take some sort of test before voting. Anyway, I must say, HOLY CRAP. The more I read, the more I just shake my head.

Ta-Ta for now.

Crazydogmama's Review of YogaFit!

OK, so after many months of corresponding with Yogagirl (see link to right), she finally convinced me to try YogaFit. I have always been "anti-yoga" and actually used to make fun of people who did yoga. It wasn't that I didn't think it was difficult, or a good workout, it was mainly the "nirvana-like" talking/chanting thing that turned me off. If you liked yoga, I didn't think less of you or anything, but I may have thought you were weird. ;-) I'm one to talk, huh? Hehe.

Nichole (Yogagirl) is a YogaFit instructor who is very fit and toned, who has successfully completed a BFL challenge (I'm jealous) and is quite a cool lady! With these things in mind, it opened MY mind to YogaFit.

YogaFit Basics DVD - taught by Beth Shaw

-Beth Shaw is a soft-spoken YogaFit instructor who truly makes it all look easy. It ain't. Trust me on this. I can do 20-30 squat reps with 30lb+ dumbbells, but I can't hold a "Sun Goddess" pose for more than a minute without wanting to DIE.

-You can't smoke a cigarette while doing yoga. (Yes, my dumbass tried.)

-I thought I was flexible until I tried YogaFit.

-Don't start at an advanced level. Start with the basics, you'll thank yourself later.

-I really like the music they played. It was catchy, yet soothing. It actually motivated me to keep going.

-Do YogaFit ALONE the first time you do it. You do not want someone (especially a guy) to walk in on you while doing the "dead bug" pose. You also don't want someone to see you fall over, giggle, or cuss. You are not as coordinated as you think you are.

-YogaFit is a good workout, even if you do "Body for Life" type workouts. I was sore the next day.

-It is fun! I liked it! I get bored easily with the same old workouts.

-It is challenging, but I have a desire to improve!

-Beth does not focus too much on the "religious" aspects of Yoga. She does say "find your center" a lot, during which MY brain says, "You can't MISS my center."

-Don't eat right before doing YogaFit.

-Beth has very big feet.

Overall impression: I'm hooked!

Changing my Routine

Well, Jim is working swing shift now, so I am all by my lonesome at night except the nights I work at the restaurant. I don't mind, really, because much of the time I am in a world all by myself anyhow. I just won't feel so guilty now for staying on the internet all night and ignoring my husband. Although I love my husband, and love spending time with him, it will be a treat to have the place to myself. I can watch whatever I want on TV, eat whatever I want (this could be dangerous) for dinner, and hog the recliner. OR, I could take the time and do extra workouts, get cleaning done and work on my writing. NAH.

Fitness Update

There is a reason why I have not talked about my fitness progress lately. There hasn't been any! I have kept off the 10 pounds I initially lost when I started my BFL challenge in January, but sadly, I have not gone any further. I have been slacking bigtime lately. McDonalds here, a mocha there, and my trip to the gym at lunch has more often resulted in sleeping in my car instead over the last week. Can you say burn-out? Don't get me wrong, I won't lay on the ground after falling off the wagon very long, but I've been feeling a bit tired lately. My doctor says, "Something has got to go." I am burning the candle at too many ends. The problem is, if I'm not busy, I feel anxious. Instead of feeling invigorated after I work out, I feel like taking a nap. Not good. So, I am going to take it easy this weekend. No stamping, no scrapping, no nothing. Last Friday when my trainer wanted me to do some push-ups, I couldn't. I had this intense pain in my left shoulder! The doctor says it is tendonitis, but I don't know. I'm freaked! I want to get an MRI, but I have to get a "recommendation" from my doctor, or my insurance won't pay for it. You know what I think would cure ALL of my problems? An expense-free trip to the Bahamas! Yeah! Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Oh, I almost forgot. I have been eating EGGS BENEDICT at least once a day. I'm craving it! What's that about? I'm not pregnant or anything, but I can't get enough of it! I'm trying to figure out if I can somehow make it with eggbeaters, lean Canadian bacon, and some kind of healthy hollandaise sauce? I use whole wheat English muffins already. If anyone has a recipe.

The Passion of the Christ

I may lose a bunch of my readers today, but really, I don't care. I am unbelievably sick of society. Complain, bitch, moan. There is a constant need for the public to have some sort of 'controversy' about something. It's like they have nothing better to do but scream about something that someone else is doing. Get a life.

I loved this movie. Yes, it is true, I have a very strong faith in Jesus Christ, but even if I didn't, I would like this movie. Any director that can create a certain mood or invoke certain feelings in the audience gets my vote. No one got up to go to the bathroom, and you could hear a pin drop when it was over. I was moved to the point of tears, I was horrified, and NO, it never crossed my mind to hate Jewish people. I think it is absurd to call this movie "antisemitic". This movie simply tells a story that has already been told. And the violence? Well, duh! If you are squeamish, why in the hell would you go to a movie that doesn't hide the fact that it is about a CRUCIFIXION? If you can't handle blood, would you go see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? NO. If a movie has a black person as the bad guy, does that make the movie anti-African American? NO. I applaud Mel Gibson for making this movie. We need more people in the world with some balls!

There are many so-called "Christian" people, programs and books out there that make me sick. They totally miss the point. I do not think I'm better than anyone else. Personally, I think we are all screwed. I am not exactly a great witness for Christ. I mean, read my blog for crying out loud. I am as messed up as anyone. Anyway, my point here is, go see the movie if you aren't weak in the stomach. Its good! It really is.

It's a Conspiracy

I don't know what is happening this week, but everyone is out to irritate me, and it just can't ALL be me. I worked at the restaurant last night (just mere hours after the "McDonald's incident", mind you.) Every single customer I had informed me that they were on the Atkins diet, and then of course gave me their special orders from hell. (Newsflash: Waitresses really hate special orders, folks. Just order what is on the damn menu.) "Yes, I am on the Atkin's Diet (like I care) and I would like the Halibut special, but with no veggies and no potatoes, but could I substitute with extra sauce? Does the sauce have any carbohydrates? Do you have something you can give me besides this basket of bread? Could I have water without lemon?" I really just wanted to tell them "How about I just bring you some plain fish, a stick of butter, some bacon grease and our new low-carb beer?" That will be really good for you, you'll be guaranteed to lose lots of weight and then die of a heart attack from clogged arteries." But instead, I just have to smile and say, "Why yes, we would be happy to accommodate your requests." It physically hurts me to say nothing. The Atkin's diet came out, what, like in the 70's? Hardly anyone noticed it then, but Mr. Atkins DIES, and all of sudden everyone is like "Hey! Let's do the Deadman's Diet". Weird. Fricking weird.

Crazydogmama VS. Fuckwad at McDonalds

Sorry for all the cussing lately, but I just can't help it.

A little background first. I am a good driver. I know everyone says that, but really, I am. I got 100% on my driving test at the police academy (which isn't easy), and my car insurance is really low because of my AWESOME record. I am a dumb blonde when it comes to some things, but driving is not one of them. I am also slow to anger. Usually.

So, I decide to go to McDonald's today for lunch. (I know, I know, shut up) It is a McDonald's that I have never been to before, and they have this weird 2-lane drive-thru thing going on. I decide to give it a try, and when I go around the corner to get into one of the lanes, I turn too sharp, and the front of my car is partially blocking the second lane. I try to back up, but someone (of course) is right on my ass, and I can't. I'm stuck for the moment. I just wait, figuring I won't be blocking more than a second or two because the cars are moving fairly quickly through the line. So here comes Mr. big-brand-new black truck. (An extension of his penis, no doub.t.) He honks his horn at me. I throw my hands up. (You know, the gesture that indicates there is nothing I can do and I'm sorry?) He doesn't get it. He sticks his big fat ugly head out the window and yells, "You're blocking my lane!" I, annoyed already, sarcastically yell back, "Yeah, I did it to piss you off. Is it working?" He gets all pissy, shakes his head and yells again, "There is a REASON why they have two lanes idiot! Learn how to drive!" Insanely agitated CrazyDogMama sticks half of her body out the window and yells "Bite me, motherfucker!" The lane moves ahead. I order a whole lot more food than I had originally anticipated.

Dog Fight!

Poor Louie is having a bad week. I was working, so I didn't see what ACTUALLY happened, but here is the recap I got from my husband:

Ring...Ring...Ring...
Jim: "Hell, Helloo?"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Jim: "Holy Shit, you are NOT going to believe what just happened here!"
Me: "What? What happened?"
Jim: "Maggie just kicked the shit out of Louie!"
Me: "What?" (I have said "what" in every sentence so far.)
Jim: "I went to the bathroom, and Maggie followed me happily wagging her tail. Louie apparently went into Maggie's crate after she followed me and grabbed one of her toys. He came trotting along into the bathroom too. Maggie took one look at Louie with her toy in his mouth and FREAKED OUT ON HIM! She jumped on him, tore a bunch of his hair out, and snapped a bunch at him. There was much yelping and growling! They looked like the two dogs fighting at the beginning of "The Exorcist"!"
Me: "Oh my God! Is there blood? Are they OK?"
Jim: " I checked them out, they seem OK. I put them in their crates. I vacuumed up all the dog hair."
Me: "What are we gonna do with those two?"
Jim: " I don't know, I was scared. I am scared to piss off any of the women in this house."

Haven't felt like blogging.

Just kinda moody lately. I got the whole weekend off from the restaurant, so you would think that I would be perky from a nice relaxing weekend. Nope. My neurotic little self feels guilty for not making money, especially during such a stressful financial time for us. I just don't know how to relax anymore. However, I could not bring myself to be productive at work yesterday. Today is better, but my tummy is growling, and my nose feels like it has logs in it. I'm trying to figure out how to find that light at the end of the tunnel, everything about the future looks so bleak sometimes. I feel like a rat in a wheel. I GO! GO! GO! but really get nothing accomplished. Am I cheering you up yet?

Louie and I are still going round-and-round. Maybe we need therapy, or maybe I just need a vacation.

Beside Myself

What does one do when their favorite fitness magazines cease publication? EAS has stopped Muscle Media and Energy magazines. I don't like all the regular fitness mags, all those skinny, undefined women, or the hulk-women who scare the bejeezus out me. My trainer, who has a fabulous new sudo-website, recommended Oxygen to me, so I will be subscribing to that, I guess.

Not only am I dealing with that, but I still have the "Louie Situation". I decided to ignore him, not even LOOK at him last night, to see what would happen. He is being such a little butthole. He didn't seem to care, except when I went to bed without saying goodnight, he looked a little pathetic. Ears down, tail down. It just crushed me. Dogs are complicated. You have to know how to deal with them, and it is NOT, I repeat, NOT like dealing with humans. There is the whole dominance thing. I am going to call the behaviorist I worked with previously to see if there is something I can do to get him to listen better. He is a good dog, mind you, just extremely stubborn and MOODY. You have to be careful how you deal with them, or they'll walk all over you!

Bummed in Sultan.

Louie is mad at me.

That damn dog has been ignoring me for 4 FRIGGING DAYS. It must be the grooming thing. If not, he has decided to teach me some sort of lesson. Humans are slow learners, too, ya know? He will briefly (and I mean briefly) greet me when I come home, then he will go straight to daddy. I always go to bed before Jim, and both dogs usually lay in the bed with me for a few hours. Louie won't lay in the bed with me. He just walks down the hallway.

 
The only exception is if I have food. Then, I am the Queen. In the morning, he always sits and looks up at me while I'm getting ready. He has been laying in the front room the last few days and won't even peek his head in to make sure I have my mascara on right. I called his nickname out last night (Assbag) in a baby talk voice, but nothing. He just walked right past me to go outside and pee. Little fucker.

A new member of the "top 5".

Can you tell I'm bored today? Viggo Mortensen is the newest member of my top 5 hotties. However, that means I'll have to bump someone, or maybe I'll just have a top 6. I am not a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings series (it was OK), but I like that rugged, manly look that Aragorn (Viggo) has. You know me. He has a new movie coming out. Hidalgo? Something like that. I may just have to sit through that one! Yummy!

Watch out Aveda!

I have found yet another really yummy-smelling body wash! It's called "Thymes Ginger Milk". Oh. My. God. LOVE IT. A friend of mine got me the body wash and whipped body creme for a present, and I just used it. I *almost* sounded like that Herbal Essence freak in the shower. (You know, the chick acting like she's having an orgasm while using Herbal Essence shampoo? Gag me.)

My Funny Aunt

Out of the blue, I received a Valentine's Day card from an Aunt of mine that I have never met! It was such a great surprise! She lives in Kentucky and is in her 70's. I decided to get her # from my mom and give her a call to thank her for the card. So, last night I got to talk with her, and she is a HOOT! She was cracking me completely up! She has this great Southern accent and a quirky sense of humor. I have decided that I must go visit her! She is definitely my kind of people. She said to me, "Hunny, I live on chocolate and cashews, and so does fatty!" I found out that "fatty" is her dog. She also has a 22-year-old cat. As we talked, it was like we had known each other all of our lives. Life is strange, and unpredictable. I love it!

My Valentines Day

Hope you all had a Happy Valentines Day.

Mine? Well, not too bad. I didn't have to work at the restaurant, which was probably the best part. My in-laws came over for lunch, but my hubby cooked. My stepson was over this weekend, too, and we watched movies all night while eating lots of chocolate. (That's a requirement for Valentines Day, you know.) I got the most romantic gift EVER from Mr. CrazyDogMama. He gave me a chick-flick DVD and a BOX OF TRIPLE CHUNK BROWNIE MIX! Isn't that great? A WHOLE BOX, just for ME! :-D There was also a balloon and some peanut butter cups involved. I surprised him with a CD he totally forgot he wanted. A little lame, I know, but he loved it.

On Sunday, I taught a scrapbooking class to 10 people. My girlfriend, who hosted the class at her house, neglected to tell me that I had chocolate brownie crumbs all down the crevice of my breasts, and I was wearing a V-neck shirt. So, while I was giving my spiel, there I stood with chocolate titties. Yes, this is whose blog you're reading.

Doggies are gettin' all purdy today!

Yep, its grooming day. This is chaos at its best. I don't know how they know, but they know. I got up per usual, had my coffee, took my shower, got ready. The dogs were racing around the house panting and whining. How in GOD's good name do they KNOW? I said nothing. I didn't get the leashes out. NOTHING. They are telepathic, I swear. I wasn't acting any different than I usually do. Maybe they heard me say "groom" on the phone? Who knows.

Anyway, we got in the car. My dogs are not what you would call 'good car-riders'. They jump from the back seat to the front seat, to the floor, to the front seat, to the back seat. You get the picture. They make LOTS of noise. Louie sounds like a frigging choo-choo train with his panting. Dog hair flies around the car like a cat fight. The leashes get wrapped around me, the seats, and the levers you move the car seats with. Any beverage I take with me, gets spilled on whatever I am wearing. (You'd think I'd learn.) If I have to use the brake pedal, even a little bit, the dogs go flying. I will be investing in doggie seatbelts soon. Today, the stupid moron in front of me slammed on his brakes, then I slammed on my brakes. Then Louie did a face-plant into the heater. (He is OK, he has a head like a Stegosaurus.) Then, Louie looks at me like "Can't you drive, you stupid bitch?" No matter how much I yell "Sit! Stay! Lay down! Sit! Stop it! No! Sit!", it makes no difference. We could have graduated from the Obedience University with honors, and this would still happen. When I pull up to a stop light, people actually LAUGH. Louie likes to do the "I'm trying to dig out of the window!" routine, and apparently, this cracks people up.

When I pick them up this afternoon, I'm sure it will be revenge-city from the cute little fuzzy creatures.

The snot has taken over my brain.

So, on the way to work this morning, I was talking to my husband on my cell phone. He informed me that I took his keys instead of my keys. This means I can't get into the building I work in from the front, and I can't open my office until my boss gets there, which is a half hour after I get there. So, there I stood, in the middle of the shop floor, looking like a complete idiot. I just paced because I didn't know what to do. No computer, no desk, no place to set my coffee. We have an "audit" today, of course, so there is no time to waste. Things like this always happen to me at the most inopportune moments. I am also wearing a black cotton shirt that has dog hair all over it. How professional am I? I am surprised I didn't spill coffee on my khaki pants yet. KNOCK. ON. WOOD. Shit, I gotta find some wood first.

I got the snots.

So, I stayed home yesterday because my body decided to produce ungodly amounts of snot. Yes, that's right, I got a code. I'm hacking up my lungs, too. It's really fun. The good part, though, was getting to cuddle up with the fuzbutts all day. They LOOOVE it when dogmama is home and in bed all day. There was a lot of stretching and yawning and laying on their backs trying to weasel a belly rub out of me. I'm back to work today, to the dismay of my coworkers who get to listen to my non-stop wheezing and nose-blowing. I haven't been to the gym in two days (I knew this was going to happen) so my whole program has gone to hell this week. The only thing that sounded good yesterday was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so that is exactly what I had. There may have been a few potato chips in there too.

Anyway, I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm sure no one wants to hear about all the disgusting body functions I have going on, so, for now, adieu.

What day is it?

I get going so crazy sometimes, that I forget what day it is. I'm pretty sure its Monday because I am at work, but ffffeehh, that really doesn't mean much because I work almost every day. If I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I'm sleeping. This morning I woke up and didn't know what day it was, and I didn't even drink or anything last night! I sleep-drove to work, and here I sit, at my desk, trying to remember what I ate this weekend so that I can record it in my journal. Now, of course, I'm updating my blog and maybe around 8 or so, I'll start working. Its a good thing my boss doesn't know my blog address, huh? Oh, here's a little tidbit for the readers interested in my hair care (which is, I think, one) I have received 3 compliments on my hair since I started using my new Aveda products this weekend! CrazyDogMama LOVES compliments! Also, I've noticed that my husband sniffs my head a lot when hugging me. A girl has got to love THAT!

Is it Friday yet?

It has been a loooooong week. I have been sorting thru and editing massive amounts of paperwork, and I'm about to go insane. I think I may go run around the parking lot screaming for a few minutes.

The menu today has been less than stellar. We're talking venti nonfat iced mocha for breakfast, two, count them TWO zone bars, a half turkey sandwich on whole wheat and some green tea with soy milk in it. Somebody needs to slap me. I did go to the gym and do HIIT on the Stairmaster, and I also have to wait tables tonight for about 4 hours, so that's not too bad, I guess. I am saving up for a haircut and a foil so that I don't have to cancel my cell phone. Aveda is mighty expensive, but it is SO worth it. I also need new shampoo, conditioner, exfoliator, makeup, etc. CrazyDogMama is learning how to SAVE UP instead of impulse buying, so that she can pay her mortgage on time instead of waiting until the VERY LAST SECOND and having to pull funds from every direction. It is very, very hard. HARD, I tell you!!

Cravings

I'm craving Thai food. I need some ginger. Ginger is probably my favorite spice. That, and Cilantro. I gotta, GOTTA find some today for lunch. Being that time of the month, the cravings are out of control, and I'm bloated like a hippo. I retain so much water that my socks leave a little pattern on my ankles. I ruined my new underwear, too, by the way. It REALLY pisses me off. OK, enough. You probably could have gone through your day without me ranting about my period, huh? Yeah, well, piss off.

I need to win the Lotto.

So I can have a bunch more Cairn Terriers! I'm a glutton for punishment and cuteness.

Rule #1: Always get your puppies from a reputable breeder!

 
Rule #2: Never get a puppy less than 12 weeks old, so that they will be properly socialized and have plenty of time with their real mama.

 
Rule #3: If you want to breed dogs, get the proper education/instruction.

 
Rule #4: Never impulsively buy a puppy. Always make sure you have $$, time, space and lots and lots of patience!

 
Rule #5: Research, research, research before buying a puppy to make sure the breed is right for you and your family.

 
Rule #6: Love your puppy with all of your heart! Or you will answer to CRAZYDOGMAMA!

You know you have a problem when...

...you drive in 4th gear on the freeway because shifting into 5th gear would get in the way of your HUGE iced mocha in the cupholder.

...you would rather be late to work than skip breakfast.

...you run into the bathroom at work and stay there for 20 minutes to avoid having to visit with a mother and her new baby, or worse, to avoid having to hold the infant. *Shutter*

...you seriously consider canceling your cell phone for 2 months so you can afford to get your hair colored.

The dreaded Month

Over the course of my life so far, every really bad thing that has ever happened to me, has happened in February. I won't go into those bad things, because that is my own closet of demons, but I just wanted everyone to know that I hate this month, and I am counting down the days until it is over. So, let's focus on the positive: I am going to buy an Ella Fitzgerald CD today and get my nails done, maybe a nice shade of pink for the upcoming (stupid-frigging) Valentines Day. I hate Valentines Day. I have my reasons. I'm also thinking, maybe a nice candlelight bath. I am going to pamper myself this month, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can have the first good February. We should all live by this motto, "Treat yourself like a princess, cuz ain't no one else goin' to!"

I took a friend out to dinner last night for her birthday to a place in downtown Seattle called Marco's Supperclub. We had a fabulous time, ate great food and listened to jazz softly playing in the background. (Hence the Ella Fitzgerald CD-buying.) It was girl's night out, no Superbowl for me.

The Urinal Compromise

So my husband is busy formulating his plan for "husbandland". He is making the garage into an actual room with carpet and the like, outfitted with HDTV, surround sound, and putting in a green, and a recliner. Somewhere where he can go when I have over the "scrapbook hens" as he likes to call them. I'm OK with this, BUT, when he comes to me and says, "the neighbor can put in a urinal at cost for me", I laughed hysterically and said "ummmm, NO".

After several weeks now of constant pestering, he finally says to me "What will it take for you to let me have a urinal?" I told him I wanted to make a scrapbook of all the pictures I have of BEFORE we were married, you know, all the boyfriend pictures that I was *supposed* to throw away but am actually hiding in the closet? A deal! We struck a deal and shook on it! A little background for this. My husband is insanely jealous and possessive. He pretends I did not have any kind of a life before I met him. (Funny that this is coming from a man who was previously married.) I, on the other hand, am a picture fanatic and don't believe in EVER throwing a photograph away. I am really into photo preservation. I have no feelings for any of my ex's, that is not the point for me. I even have pictures of my husband's ex in one of my scrapbooks. I just want to scrapbook my life and write about fond memories. No one will ever look at it except me. I have no kids to leave it to. It is not that I am PROUD of some of the things I have done, I just want it documented so I can laugh, cry and remember. So, there it is. That good ol' marriage compromising crap. I wonder what kind of compromise I'll have to make to get another puppy?

Enchiladas and Neighbors

I made those EFL enchiladas again, except I used low-carb tortillas instead of corn tortillas. I told you I live on Mexican food, I can't get enough! The hotter the better! I make it so spicy that my nose runs, but it does make getting in my gallons of water for the day easier! So, we had that for dinner last night, and I made enough to take to work and have some for my first meal of the day. I know, I know, enchiladas for breakfast is weird.

My neighborhood is the freak capital of the world. I have one neighbor who is *very* pissed at her husband and is constantly coming over to vent, another neighbor who decided to have her baby in her bathtub, another neighbor who insists on telling her kids goodnight stories that the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD can hear, and a neighbor couple who decide once they get home from work, to dress-up in funky clothes and put on all of their body jewelry (nose rings, nipple rings, you name it) and sit in their garage and drink. Then there is myself who walks around the house mostly naked carrying my laptop with me wherever I go.

Cheryl Burritos

I cooked something that I came up with all by myself and it was GOOD!

My healthy burritos:

Lean ground turkey
Sugar-free catsup
Lawry's taco seasoning
La Tortilla Factory garlic & herb low-carb tortillas
green onions, chopped
cilantro - lots!
tomatoes - chopped

Brown the meat and add all ingredients. Use as much of each ingredient you want to fit your taste buds. Serve on warm tortillas with fat-free cheese and fat-free sour cream. Yummers! I think I must be part Mexican because: I eat mostly Mexican food, I speak a little Spanish, and I love Tequila. There is one more I am not going to talk about. :-D

Booooring.

Nothing interesting has happened in, like, 3 days. The Weather people can't make up their minds. It's going to snow, no its not, yes, it is, no its not. It goes on and on and on. I ate 8 pieces of pizza on free day. I fell down at work again, onto my knees, and I have bruises. It was also a sore-leg-weekend. Everyone is sick that I work with, and I'm scared to death I will get something, and it will wreck my progress so far. I'm down 7 pounds according to my trainer from early December. I'm all discombobulated today. That's about it. Sorry.

On a Roll

OK, we've seen the BIG hair, how about "rocker" hair? I did ALL the fads. I do cherish the size of my WAIST in this picture, even though it was pre-weight training. Soak it up, kids, we won't be making fun of CrazyDogMama next week.

Choke

How is my morning, you ask? I am choking on my Zone Bar. I was inhaling one a few minutes ago and forgot to grab my water by the water cooler. I got a little piece of the granola stuck in my throat and it made my throat tickle and sent me in to a fit of coughing. This lasted for, say, 10 minutes or so. My eyes were watering, and my nose was running. No one came to my rescue. I did notice, however, that several office doors down the hallway from me were slammed shut. Well, gee, people, sorry to frigging interrupt you! I now have little pieces of mushy Zone Bar all over my office floor. It's gonna be a great day, I can tell! :-D

The Dynasty Bitch

That is what my mom and I call this ridiculous picture of me. It was one of my senior pictures - and you can definitely tell it was the 80's. Check out that hair! and the earrings! Psst...Yogagirl...see what I mean? I am not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with my look, but oh well. If we can't laugh at ourselves, then, uumm, wait a minute, I'd much rather laugh at other people! One of the reasons my husband and I are so perfect for each other is because we have the grand ability to make fun of just about everyone. At the police academy, where we met, we had a name for everyone based on our observation of them.  For examle, "Tackleberrry", "Mr. Heatmeiser", "Down-Syndrome Guy", etc.  Yeah, we're assholes.

Strange Vibe

OK, there are strange electrons in the air today. I don't know why. Every now and then I get this weird *feeling* that I can't explain. It is not necessarily a bad vibe, but definitely a strange one. Can't put my finger on what it is. It does make me nervous, though. I am going to watch everyone very carefully today, and also watch out for falling meteors. :-D

Aside from the twilight zone, my morning is quite normal. I'm tired, cranky and not in the mood to work. Everything is a mess. I don't have enough coffee to wake me up. I'm not sure the grocery store has enough coffee to wake me up. I don't want a grilled chicken salad; I want a brownie. I would rather take a nap on my lunch break instead of working out. My hair looks like a mop cuz I said "fuck it" this morning. I have no money in my account. I'm wearing the same pants I wore yesterday. (Clean underwear, though.) I forgot my lunch. My car smells like feet. Maybe I should just go home.

Zombie Zoo

Recovering from my weekend, here. After working overtime at my desk job, I survived my work out on Friday with my trainer. She just laughed at me, but she did take it easy on my legs. Instead, she beat my upper body up. Now I can't walk, sit, talk on the phone (arms hurt) or do any movement that involves my abs. I also taught a scrapbooking class until midnight on Friday. Then, on Saturday, my stepson came over and I worked at the restaurant until 12:30 am. On Sunday, we took my stepson home (round trip of 3 hours), went grocery shopping and other errands, ate dinner and crashed. I'm working a 10-hour shift today, then teaching another scrapbooking class tonight until about 11 pm, then it starts all over again on Tuesday at 4 am. What is wrong with me? I go from not getting out of my PJs for 3 days, to running around like a mad woman. I've also been experiencing heart palpitations for the last 2 days. Gee, I wonder why?

I'm an Idiot

Seriously, I am. I pushed myself very hard this week at the gym, pushing it beyond my limit. I am supposed to see my trainer for the first time today at 12:30 since my December hiatus, and I can barely MOVE. My legs are so sore that someone thought I had sprained my ankle because I am walking so funny. What am I gonna do? What was I thinking? My trainer always works my legs pretty hard! I tried to call her cell phone last night so that I could warn her, but it was out of service! Crap! Guess I'll just keep poppin' the Ibuprofen and pray. There is no mercy. My eating has been great this week, however.

Hunger & Laughs

Do you know how hard it is to work at an Italian restaurant where they give you free food when you are trying to do Body for Life? Holy pasta, Batman! I was good last night; I resisted the penne with gorgonzola cream sauce and the double dutch chocolate torte. Somebody KILL me, that was hard! Just give me the mixed greens with chicken and artichoke hearts in a balsamic vinegar, please. I was literally shaking. I don't have an eating disorder, though. Ha!

For laughs, I am trying to think of crazy, bratty things I did as a child.

When I was like 7, or so, I remember telling my friends at school that my mom went to jail, when in reality she just got a speeding ticket. She was SO not happy with me when the school called. I had to redact my statement in front of the whole class, lol!

Let's see, I also took off my clothes everywhere I went when I was very young because I didn't like clothes. There are no photos of me with clothes on before the age of 8 unless I was forced, which is obvious because of the look on my face.

After my mom popped me on the head with a wooden spoon in the kitchen for some stupid thing I did, I went and put the laundry basket over my head and walked around with my protection on.  My mom and grandma lost it when they saw me and couldn't stop laughing.

Enchiladas and Books

I cleaned up the spider webs in the kitchen and made another EFL meal, "Mom's Chicken Enchiladas". All I can say is YUM. I really liked this one! I wanted, like, 10 of them. It was a little more preparation than I wanted to do after a 12-hour day, but it was worth it. I also bought a new book, "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahniuk. It was recommended to me because it is one of those dark, crazy books. The author also wrote "Fight Club" if that gives you the idea. Anyway, it is about a model who gets her jaw shot off and of course is horribly disfigured and can't talk. She loses her modeling job (duh), and her boyfriend dumps her and runs away with her best friend. She meets up with a transsexual (or something) and goes in search of happiness. Sounds interesting, no? I can't wait to start reading it.

I'm Official!

I actually REGISTERED for the Body for Life challenge today! What a concept! I do challenges, but never send in the paperwork. I'm doing it this time! Ya just never know. I will be doing that challenge, and the other challenge I told you about. The person I am competing with doesn't do BFL (to my knowledge) and thinks WALKING is gonna do it. NOT! Ha! I am sooooo gonna kick their ass! :-D

I may also register for a Maxformation since my trainer works for Max Muscle. I don't know if there are any rules that forbid competing in two different challenges. I use products from both EAS and Max Muscle. If anyone knows, email me.

Starting off with a protein shake this morning and will be doing stone wheat crackers with turkey and hot mustard for my next meal. My husband made his famous "Jim Chicken" last night. MMMMMMM. It is a very moist chicken breast in his special healthy, homemade barbecue sauce. What a great husband I have, it was fabulous. I had that and a huge portion of steamed cauliflower with enough water to take a bath in. Its cardio day. Crap. I hate cardio day. I just need to focus on my competition and how jealous they will be when I blow them so far out of the water it isn't funny!

The Old Grindstone

Things are incredibly back to normal now, including the Monday morning blahs. I'm also back on BFL full time now. Started off with an Iced Chai Tea with protein powder and glutamine, then a zone bar, then going to do oatmeal with Splenda and lean ham. (I get up at 4:30 am, so I am able to get a majority of my meals in before everyone else's normal lunch time.) I work out at lunch, so I gotta re-sign with the gym today. It will be pathetically busy, being January and all. I don't see my trainer until Friday, but I'm sure I will be way out of shape from my December Hiatus. I'm in competition for weight loss/muscle gain with a certain someone who I can't mention on my blog, so hopefully this will motivate me to get my arse going so I can BEAT THEM! They have a little bit of a head start on me, but once I get going, I know I can kick some serious butt.

Psycho Barbecuing

OK, I found another Texas Chainsaw site. This one made me laugh. You know I'm certifiable, right? It's called "Chop Tops BBQ". For those of you who don't know, "Chop Top" is a deranged Vietnam Vet with a metal plate in his head that is part of the "family" in Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part II. He is quite entertaining in the movie, a very colorful character. Anyway, my fav recipe is "Pete Loaf", with the main ingredient of course, being a guy named PETE. I guess you have to have a sick sense of humor like me. :)

Back to Normal

Temps are back in the 50's and all the snow and ice is gone. Whew! I thought it would be fun, it wasn't. You would think that it would allow me extra time to get stuff done like cleaning, organizing, you know, all that stuff you always plead as "I don't have the time!". Well, I had the time, and I was still lazy. I did, however, find the best drink EVER once we were able to break free from the ice barricades. We went to Ixtapa for some Mexican food, and I ordered a "double chocolate winter". It is hot chocolate with cinnamon, Baileys, Amaretto and Kahlua. It is DA BOMB!! Best kept for free days, of course, but WOW, talk about a chocolate lovers dream, it's like an orgasm in a glass. After a *few* of those, I was swept off into a very restful slumber.

Ice Storm!

So, first, we get pelted with snow, then 60 mile-an-hour winds, then an ICE STORM. This is the freakiest BS I have ever seen. This is my first ice storm, so I did not know what to expect. Our power started blinking on and off, and that really sent me into a panic because we don't own a fireplace. I KNOW. I kept wondering if we were all going to freeze to death. I've kept the computer off for the most part because of the power threat; hence the lack of blogging. I couldn't stand it any longer, though, so here I am. The DOGS don't even like it. I did get some rather humorous video of them sliding on the ice after treats, however. I'm just evil, I'll do anything for a good picture. You'll notice the picture of Louie standing on TOP of the snow, because the top layer of that snow is ice. My front windows look like shower glass, and I can't get my car door open. I got a little extended vacation from work, too. It hasn't been fun, though. I'm feeling anxious and claustrophobic. My neighbors will call me, but no one will venture out of their house. It's like we all have this neurotic need to stay inside and whine and bitch.

Bummed and Freezing

It is 15 frigging degrees here. It doesn't usually get this cold here, and my blood is still a little thin from the mild winter we had last year. I can't even remember the last time it got below 32 degrees. The news is predicting a foot of snow tomorrow for my area. A FOOT! Holy crap! Lou and Mags are laying in front of the heater and won't budge. I actually love the snow, but it sucks when you have a bunch of plans. There is no way on the planet I am driving to work with a foot of snow on the ground. I am a great snow driver, but Washington drivers are among the most moronic when it comes to winter weather. "It's snowing? Oh, well, I'll drive FASTER! I have a four-wheel drive vehicle and I am the only important one on the road!" Then there are the other drivers that are like "Oh my God, its Armageddon! I'll go 2 mph up this hill!"

Tomorrow is the official end to my 2-week vacation from the office. Poo. I have been in my pajamas for the last two days and have slept more than I have been awake. I got absolutely NOTHING accomplished. I have not even brushed my hair. It was a huge effort just to check my email. Now, it's back to working double shifts, working out every day, preparing 6 meals a day and sleeping only 6 or so hours a night. As much as I would like to be a stay-at-home dog mom, I would probably end up being a 500-pound rolling donut who would break out in a sweat answering the phone. It's really a good thing that I have a job.

Ma! Let us in! It's cold out here!

It is 2004. Woohoo.

New Year's Eve is so uneventful for us. I got called in to work at the restaurant (what a surprise), but they felt bad calling me in on my vacation, so I got to be the first one off. That, of course, completely pissed off my co-workers who had to stay past midnight, hahaha. It is such a clusterfuck to work on a holiday at a restaurant. By the time we all figure out what the 5 billion specials are, it's over. The prices get jacked up, and the service gets crappier because everyone on the planet eats out on holidays. (Also, we are all secretly cursing those people who get to do fun stuff on holidays and can afford to go out to eat at a nice restaurant.) The stupidest people alive decided to sit in my section, too. "What is Linguini?" My God in heaven. It is, however, a good night to make bank. Over a hundred dollars cash in just a few hours.

It just started snowing again here, and it is sticking to the pavement. The Seattle-metro area isn't used to getting too much snow, so the whole state pretty much shuts down with a few inches.

Oh, and I made the Beef with Barely soup from Eating for Life! (I don't give a shit about mad cow.) It was pretty good! Jim left the rest of it sitting out on the counter overnight, though, and we had to throw the rest away. Never trust men to put food away before they go to bed.

How to piss off a vegan: say you belong to PETA, then go on to explain what that term means to you: People Eating Tasty Animals.

Sleeping with Dogs

OK, first get your mind out of the gutter. That's yucky.

Since Jim got hurt, he has been sleeping in his recliner instead of the bed, so the pups get a little vacation from the crates and get to sleep in Crazydogmama's bed. It has been interesting, to say the least.

Maggie: Maggie is a rock. A warm rock with fur. Think about what sleeping with a rock would be like, and that describes it.

Louie: Louie is a temperamental little butthole. If I touch him or nudge him, he grunts and growls. He turns around in a circle at least 50 times before laying down, then lets out a big huff. He SNORES. LOUD. He audibly farts. He barks in his sleep with his little mouth closed. It sounds just like water dripping somewhere.

If either one of them hears the slightest noise, it's like a barking circus stampede.

I'm creatively evil!

Yes folks, it's official! Crazydogmama is "creatively evil", the quiz I took said so!

My new blogger friend Stephanie had this quiz on her site and of course I was completely compelled to take it right away. I thought I would be eviler, but the puppy question blew it for me. Kick a puppy, are you kidding me? If I saw someone kick a puppy, I would put on my Leatherface mask and get medieval on their ass! This only makes me *creatively evil" apparently.

Trying to get it in gear.

Well, my bag of peanut butter cups is almost gone. *Sigh* So it is time to get back on BFL and lose the holiday 2-pound gain. (Not bad considering I have eaten like a hell cow for the whole month.) I need to frantically lose those two pounds in the next two weeks so that my trainer doesn't give me the "there-is-no-reason-to-gain-weight-during-the-holidays" speech. I'm already gonna get scolded for the smoking. So far, the best I've done with the Eating for Life Book is the crackers with turkey because that is about the only healthy food I have in the house. I really want to try the Chai tea recipe. I'm thinking do some yoga, then drink healthy Chai tea. A little different from my run-until-I-want-to-puke, then have a non-fat iced mocha routine. Heehee. Yogagirl will be so proud!

Winter Wonderland

I finally got a white Christmas! It started snowing right after Christmas dinner at my mom's, so we hurried home. Got a picture of the pups frolicking.



Oh, and you will all be very jealous, I got a LAPTOP from Santa! Yaayyy! I'm still not eating good, I'm living on peanut butter cups and leftovers. I am reading the Eating for Life Book by Bill Phillips that I just got, but I think I might wait until Monday to cut off my holiday eat-whatever-I-want stint. I won't even be seeing my trainer until Jan. 9th. It is a TRUE vacation from EVERYTHING! Two weeks of sleeping, eating and playing with my new toys. Holiday chaos is over, the dogs smell good, and my house is picked-up. Now I must get back to Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

Hope you all had a great Christmas! Let me know what kind of toys YOU got!

The Breakfast of Champions

What is Crazydogmama having for breakfast today, you ask? Is it egg whites with salsa? Noooo. Is it high fiber cereal and a slice of lean ham? Noooo. Is it Nestle Tollhouse cookie dough? Yeeesss! We have a winner! My lean, mean lifestyle has taken a turn this holiday season. I have given in to the pressures of cookies, candies and pastries. It makes all the stress just melt away, however I can't say the same for the fat. I wonder how many calories I burn wrapping presents.

Force Feeding Liquid Fat Girl

I was somewhat disturbed this morning when I checked my stats to see who has been checking out my blog site. There was a google search for "force feeding liquid fat girl". WTF? How that directed that person to my site is a mystery to me but disturbing none the less.

When Dogs Go Shopping

Things I must do before I leave the planet.

I completely stole this idea from Otter. I think it is important to have goals, and here are mine:

1. Become a writer as my full-time job even though I might suck at it.

2. Become a "non-smoker". (Notice I didn't say QUIT smoking. I have already done that a hundred-billion times.)

3. Eat healthy for a whole month without cheating once.

4. Get into my favorite pair of jeans again. I haven't worn them since I was 18.

5. Pay off all my debts.

6. Go to the Bahamas and stay in one of those huts on the water.

7. Help someone who really needs it.

8. Own a hot tub.

9. At least DRIVE a 1967 Camaro RS SS for a day, if not own one.

10. Learn to fly a Cessna airplane.

11. Figure out how to EDIT video without wanting to throw my computer out the window.

12. Find a cardio exercise I don't detest.

13. Be able to do 10 pull-ups the hard way without my eyeballs popping out.

14. Make a scrapbook for someone (and get paid for it).

I'm sure I'll think of more later...stay tuned. Some of these will make good New Year's Resolutions, no?

Dog Abuse

Louie is always my Guinea pig for dog-outfits and fun stuff. Maggie is too hyper and uncooperative. The look on his face, and the ears back indicates a very unhappy, but very patient, dog. He knows I love him, so he lets me do what I want. Here is Louie's "Max" outfit. (The dog from the Grinch movie.) I know it's a little cruel, but its soooo amusing. Heehee. I AM CrazyDogMama, ya know!

Going Off the Deep End & A Christmas Cookie Recipe

I know, I know, you are thinking this is old news. Actually, most of the time I am pretty alert and focused, however lately, not so much. I am finding myself saying "What?" a lot and staring off into space for long periods of time. I think the stress of life and holidays has finally given me a lobotomy. I am not usually much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks you would think I needed AA. (Or as a certain member of my family calls it "AAA", which cracks me up every time.) I am not cranky or irritable as it turns out, just completely out-of-it. I think I just need a vacation.

You have all probably received this email 10 times already, but it was so perfect to how I was feeling this month that I thought I would post it:

Christmas Cookie Recipe

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
>1 cup of water
>1 tsp baking soda
>1 cup of sugar
>1 tsp salt
>1 cup of brown sugar
>lemon juice
>4 large eggs
>1 cup nuts
>2 cups of dried fruit
>1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Directions:

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

 
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

 
Turn on the electric mixerer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another
cup, just in case.

 
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

 
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gives a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.

 
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Everyone is Insane Everywhere

I must apologize for my lack of blogging lately; duty has been calling elsewhere. We actually got a Christmas tree (hooray!), so I have been a decorating Nazi. No one is allowed to place the ornaments on the tree except me. If they attempt such activities, I promptly move them to where they look much better. My husband used to try when we were married some 9 years ago but being the most understanding and wonderful human being ever, he has relinquished his command in this area.

The rest of my week was like this:

My mother-in-law, bless her heart, thought the kitty in the blog entry below had *actually* overdosed and was expressing much concern after receiving my email.

My boss called me into his office on Friday and told me that I may have to work a few days during my vacation. (I always take 2 and a half weeks off during the holidays and I look forward to it all year long.) He said it was "up to me", though. That is a nice way of saying "You don't have to, but unless you want to be the first on the lay-off list next year, I would suggest coming in and working." I of course smiled and said "OK", but really, inside I was saying, "Yeah, WHATEVER you MF, I'll get you for this."

There was not ONE happy person at the Christmas tree place. Like my fellow blogger Dooce says, "Deck the Motherfucking Halls."

I put big Jingle bells on my dog's collars. It is really quite amusing. Today, they went on one of their running and barking-at-everything-in-the-yard tangents, and it sounded pretty confusing. The dogs next door didn't know whether to bark or laugh. I will be dusting them in glitter on Christmas Eve.

I made cookies today. The package says "Makes 5 dozen". I have 2 dozen. Perhaps they are mistaken. Perhaps I ate too much dough.

Overdose

I don't usually like "cutsey" cat pictures, but this one made me just crack completely up. It was titled "overdose" in an email I got. This is me on free days with pizza. I needed some cheering up, and this definately helped. Also, thanks to all of you who sent me jokes, funnies and kind words. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it right now. Happy holidays, everyone. Try to enjoy them, no matter what is going on.

Is ANYONE having a good week?

Man, I keep hearing one sad tale after the other this week. A friend of mine just split up with his significant other, some of my fellow bloggers are blue, my co-workers are grumpy, my husband is trying to work in pain, and I am stressed, depressed and apparently, paranoid. (See below.) I don't even know if I can afford a Christmas tree this year. Pathetic, no?

Someone send me a joke or something, I just got called into work tonight. Although I need the money desperately, that will make a 16-hour day for me. Yikes.

A Test

I took a personality disorder test, and it turns out that I am, like, highly paranoid and avoidant. This doesn't seem to surprise anyone. After I read my results, I all of sudden felt nervous and twitchy, saying to myself "Oh my GOD, what if it is TRUE? I should probably stay away from people." My reaction to the results, ironically, prove they are correct. :-) 

These are a few of my fav-or-ite things.

Yes, I am humming Christmas tunes this morning, despite all the crap happening to me right now. Although, why the hell is this considered a Christmas song? Isn't it from "The Sound of Music"? They are playing it on the radio as a holiday favorite, though, so I will go with that. As a matter of fact, while I was humming this tune, it occurred to me to get silly and sappy and actually write what MY favorite things are. So here we go.

Raindrops on my naked body and whiskers on puppies
Bright copper money and warm woolen socks
Brown paper bags filled with new stuff for me tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored Frappuccino's and crisp pastries from the bakery
Doorbells ringing with packages for me and Mongolian stir fry with noodles
Wild times when I fly out of an airplane wishing I had wings (skydiving, OK?)
These are a few of my favorite things

Men in white t-shirts with ripped up old blue jeans
Snowflakes that stick on the ground and allow me to stay home from work
Silver in my pocket during winter that stays in my pocket until spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites, when the bee stings and sends me to the hospital because I'm allergic, and when I'm pissy and cranky, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel soooooo baaaaddddd. Not really, though, it takes more than that to snap me out of a funk.

Ok, so it doesn't exactly rhyme, but this is real life people!

Happy Monday.

Crazydogmama is not happy.

I guess you could call me stressingdogmama right now. Jim's cracked ribs are really hurting him. He missed all of last week at work, and because his job is labor intensive, he is afraid he will be sent home this week, and possibly more until he is able to lift heavy things again. Missing two weeks of my husband's pay will be disastrous for us. L&I will pay some of it, but they are so damn slow that no telling when we will get that. We used up all of our savings with the unemployment stint we had earlier this year, so we are what the white man calls screwed, lewd and tattooed.

 
On the upside, this makes Christmas shopping easier.

 
Me: "So what do you want for Christmas this year? I got 5 bucks!"

Advice for the day: Never vacuum while intoxicated.

Christmas Ideas

If you are wondering what to get those people in your life who have everything (besides a kick in the ass for having everything), here are some suggestions:

Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix

Chicken Enema Cooker

Corgi Butt Bottle Opener

If they have any of these things already, I guess you are SOL.

Windstorm!

It's a tad windy here, lights are out all over the place. Not at my work though, of course. What good is a damn windstorm if you still have to go to work? If the restaurant has power, I will be insane by the end of the evening. Power outages = lots of restaurant customers. The last time we had a power outage in the area, I made like $300. This is a good thing, though, for my broke ass. Jim is still out of work and won't be going back until Monday. Lucky duck. I wouldn't mind suffering a little pain for a week off work. I would get PAID! I need to go find some coffee. I have a meeting. Here's a little wind-tossed Lou-dog for ya:

Another Funny Girl

Otter is my star today. She made me feel better by making me laugh and pee my pants a little. If it weren't for this blog, I would have no one to talk to or cheer me up.  I'm thankful.

Not having a good week.

Sooooo, I have a gimpy husband at home, I am working too much, I am broke and stressed out, and to top it off, after my training session last night, I yakked in the parking lot of Rite Aid in front of a bunch of Christmas tree shoppers. Nice, huh? It just suddenly hit me, and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even finish my training because I was feeling all shaky and sweaty and nauseous. I should have known, everyone I know has had this 24-hour flu-thing. Yuck. I just ran to my car and drove away. So embarrassing. They probably thought I was drunk or something. I feel OK this morning, except for the feel-like-a-mac-truck-hit-me thing. I'm huuunnggrryy. Haven't eaten anything. Afraid to.

Things that fall down and go boom.

That would be my husband, Jim. Yesterday afternoon at work, I get a call from my hubby. "I am in the hospital." He told me he might have a shattered kneecap. After two minutes of not breathing, I finally say I'll be right there. When I get to the hospital, I find out nothing is broken (thank GOD) but that he just has a cracked rib, a sprained wrist, and is in a walking cast for his purple knee. How lovely. Since he started his job last May, he has dented the company truck by running into a Metro bus, fallen off the loading dock and hurt his back, and now fallen off the company truck 4 feet onto the pavement resulting in an ambulance trip to the hospital. Luckily, he has an understanding boss (so far), but he doesn't get paid for sick time, so we are screwed for a while, and just in time for Christmas. Yippee. He is doing OK this morning, just a little stiff and sore, but OK. He gets to take the good drugs and sleep all day.

Things you shouldn't do at 3 am.

Make Brownies. Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning), I got a wild hair up my ass to make brownies. My husband was snoring in his recliner, and the only light on was coming from the TV. I had just finished watching a movie (surprise) and I was hungry. Since I wasn't interested in eating anything healthy (who is at 3 am?) I decided on Triple chunk chocolate brownies. I mixed them well, sampled half of the mix (now wondering if there was still enough left to bake) and put them in the oven. It takes 52-57 minutes. OK. Set the timer. Fall asleep. Wake up to obnoxious beeping. Dogs and husband still snoring. I wasn't sure how long the timer had been beeping, but to my glee, the brownies were not burnt. As I cut the gooey, steaming chocolate mass, I kept telling myself that I should let them cool first. So, I put a piece on a plate and decided to wait 5 minutes before shoving it into my face. While waiting, I robotically stuck the spatula into my mouth to lick off the chocolate residue. DOH! 4 am: CrazyDogMama is doing a version of the "African Anteater Ritual" in the kitchen while her tongue is on fire. Dogs start barking. Husband never wakes up.

The Couch Potato Emerges

I slept most of the last three days, either on the couch or in my cozy bed. I don't think I was awake more than 4 hours at a time without a nap. It was WONDERFUL. After 3 months of constant running here and there and everywhere, meeting deadlines and trying to keep commitments, I feel I am finally caught up on some much-needed sleep. Of course, I did wake up late this morning, and had to rush off to work. It makes no difference how much sleep I get, I still don't want to get up to go to work. Now, if I was getting up at 4am to go, say, skiing, I would be wide awake and ready to go. Speaking of skiing, the passes are open and I'm trying to figure out what it will take to get my arse on the slopes this year. It has been several years since I have been able to go, but this year I feel I need to get back at it. I only live about 40 minutes from one of the ski areas, and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going! It is hard to get motivated to work out in the winter, and skiing would be perfect for those winter-workout blahs! There's nothing like leg cramps, snow-chapped lips, sweating in long underwear and a nice array of bruises! I could just see myself now, in my 30's, haven't skied since my 20's, trying to get on the chairlift, and BOOM! Yard-sale! (Yard-sale = each ski, each pole and me, scattered all over the hill.)

Anyway, I did get to watch a few movies this weekend so here are some more reviews:

28 Days Later
I liked this one! It held my attention well and had some cool camera effects. I do have one question, though. Why didn't "the infected" attack each other? Things that make you go hmmmm.

Finding Nemo
Very cute flick. Great Pixar-animation. I'm not much for kid's movies, but it was cute. I especially liked the ending, the very last line in the movie, "What now?" The story of my life!

Bruce Almighty
It was OK. I wasn't especially impressed. Typical Jim Carey antics. I got bored half-way through.

Party Girl
This was a very odd movie. One of my Netflix movies that took me two months to watch. I kept putting it off because my husband said he would rather watch commercials than watch this movie. But I finally fed him enough to keep him from wrestling me for the remote. Now, I really like Parker Posie, so that is why I chose this movie. It was actually entertaining, and I wanted to keep watching just to see where it was going. All-in-all, I liked it, but you really had to pay attention to figure out what was going on. We both watched this one with one eyebrow raised the whole time.

Tomb Raider II - Cradle of Life
The soundtrack for the first Tomb Raider was much better, I actually bought it, it is great to do kickboxing to! The only entertaining part of this movie was getting to see what Angelina Jolie was going to wear next. She is a very unique looking person. My husband has no interest in her, he is a Jennifer Aniston and Drew Barrymore fan. Me? I like Sam Elliott (Yes, I know he is ancient, but he is so manly!) and I also like Vin Diesel, but his movies suck big-time. Anyway, don't waste your time unless you like looking at Angelina.