Don't know what to say anymore.

I feel like I ramble about the same shit over and over again. I need a new muse. ;-)

I am getting ready to leave for several days to go down to Hood Canal to stay in a cabin with my BFF for some nice R&R. It is right on the water and has a hot tub. Getting out of town is just what I need right now. I am also in the process of solidifying my trip to Cali in June.

I have been unusually tired lately, to the point where I am nodding off on the freeway. NOT good. I went to see an endocrinologist yesterday and she wants to adjust some of my meds; namely my thyroid meds, and also run some tests. Terrific.

Well, there is a bunch of other stuff going on in my life right now, but I am going to keep that to myself for now. Sorry! :-)

Finally a chance to sit down.

I have been running around like a maniac all week and I am finally able to sit down at the computer and catch up. Paying bills, blogging, writing, returning emails and looking at some of my favorite sites. My BBQ went well, everyone loved my kabobs. It was my first time BBQing all by myself. (The cooking part, I mean.) I inherited my mom's old Weber, and I bought a new grill for it and some utensils. I've never worked with coals before so that was interesting, but I did it! This must sound stupid to everyone out there, but I have been making some small victories for myself lately, and as dumb as they are to the rest of the world, they mean something to me. I've always been pretty independent, but there were a few things I just never had to do, and now that I'm doing them, I feel empowered! Super Crazydogmama! LOL.

Now here is the sucky news. I have a heater in one of my back bedrooms that has been broken for some time due to a leak. (It is powered by water.) It was turned off and not used, but I noticed a spot on the carpet the other day. I had my neighbor come and look at it, and the leak still somehow continued, and has rotted out my floor and entire wall between the bedroom and the office. FUCKING GREAT. We ripped up the carpet and looked into the wall, and OMG what a mess. He has to replace all the flooring and wallboard and fix the leak. Not only is my house going to be ripped apart, but I gotta shit some more MONEY. When it rains it pours. I get one thing fixed, and something else goes wrong. Thank God he is a friend and is only going to charge me minimally, but it is still going to cost hundreds of dollars I don't have. And I still have to pay my taxes. I don't know how, but I will manage. I can hock stuff, sell blood, maybe pimp myself out.

Life can be crap, but my day is coming. There is nothing like learning and growing in the journey, right?

Running around nuts.

Gotta run to the store, go to a baby shower, then I'm having a BBQ! It is beautiful today. Going to make CrazyDogMama kabobs! (Are there any other kind?) I have never had a BBQ so early in the year.

New Friday Theme?

Crazydogmama's Friday Favorites!

This might be a new Friday theme! So, what we have here are products that CrazyDogMama recommends. If I keep this up, it could be anything from food, to products, to places or anything in between. Today we have Mrs. Meyers air freshener, a little gem I found at the Metropolitan Market on lower Queen Anne in Seattle. A nice, light and "cheery" scent that doesn't smell all chemical-ly. THEN, we have a beautiful mocha made with love by "Ellie" at "Holy Grounds" coffee shop on 1st Ave in Seattle. YUMMY.

Have a nice weekend y'all!

My little articulate extortionist.

My mother has this hilarious little habit of saying phrases wrong and using words incorrectly. As I get older, I am starting to do the same thing, proving it is genetic. Ha. The other day at work I was trying to tell a few of my coworkers how "intuitive" Louie, my dog, is. Instead, I told them my dog was "articulate". Roars of laughter. THEN, yesterday Louie was chasing his tail and rolling around like a freak and my mom exclaimed, "What an extortionist he is!" I laughed so hard I peed. So now everyone wants to meet Louie, the "articulate extortionist". LOL!

A Strong Woman Vs. A Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape,
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything,
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her,
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future,
a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly,
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face,
but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

- Marta S. Hardy

The Crazies

Gotta love good zombie flicks. My neighbor was an extra in "ZMD, Zombies of Mass Destruction". How cool is THAT? I'm going to see if either he or my stepson wants to go see "The Crazies" with me, I have to go with someone who can appreciate the genre, and I'm not going by myself.

It's a DATE not a wedding!

I love my coworker's take on my situation.

"For the love of God Cheryl, it's a DATE not a wedding! Just GO. Let him take you out and spend some money on you, and have a good time!"

She has a point.

Persistence

Remember the guy I told you about that asked me out and I turned him down? He won't give up. It seems strange to me that he wants to go out with me that bad. Most likely guy hormones, I don't know. I'm suspicious of motives I guess. Am I being paranoid? As much as I *love* a persistent man, I just don't know. I don't trust my decision making abilities.

The Bucket List

Watching that movie right now and I'll tell you what, EVERYONE should watch it. I want to LIVE my life, not exist. I actually have a bucket list. (Things you want to do before you die). I totally forgot about it until now. I crossed two things off of my list that I wrote so long ago. TWO. Pathetic. The things I crossed off were 'start my own website' and 'go to NY'. Uh, I need to do a little more, I think. There are 100 things on my list, 98 to go. Where there is a will, there is a WAY.

I learned how to mow the grass today. NOT on my bucket list. LOL. Trying to get that motherfucking mower started took an hour. My shoulder is killing me. I also broke up the part of my fence that got kicked over and drug it across the yard out of sight to go to the dump. I'm going to sledgehammer the rest of the parts standing. Therapy. I'm sure I was quite the spectacle to my neighbors today.

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from eight to 6 feet high. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

ROFLMAO!

Tried to sleep, but no banana.

Up all night. Dying now at work. It's because of all the fun I've been having. I gotta cut that out. ;-)

I think I am going to leave early today before I collapse. Going to hit Costco, and then going out to dinner with mom, so if I don't get a nap I'm going to fall over. My throat is a little scratchy too. Blah. My coworker said I looked like shit today. THANKS. LOL. I feel like a college student again, no sleep, too much caffeine and big dark circles under my eyes.

Oh, and everybody stop with the texting! Some of us have to work!

Planning for the Future

Here's an unusual post for me, a serious one. I'm trying to figure out the whole retirement/savings/investment for the future thing. It's not that I haven't thought about it before, but circumstances have been such that I really couldn't focus on it too much until now. A 401K is a duh, but that isn't enough, and I need to seek advice on some strategies that will work for me. I need to find more out about exactly WHAT to invest IN. The pro and cons of CD's, money market, IRA's, stocks/bonds, and so on and so forth. Is real estate still a good investment? It doesn't seem so in this economy, but I don't know. Should I be aggressive, should I be conservative, a little of both? I know to diversify, but how? I had a financial planner help me out with the different stocks to diversify in for my 401K, but it gets pricey to go much further than that, and I would rather invest the money rather than pay someone too much to give me opinions. The stock market is volatile of course, and I don't know much about it, so it frightens me. I'm doing some research, but it can get confusing and it takes a lot of time I don't have. At present I don't have much to work with, but I anticipate with hope that things will change later and want to be ready and educated so as to not make poor decisions. Right now it is important for me to work on getting out of debt of course, but I want to be proactive in saving as well.

Does anyone out there have any general advice? What do you do? I don't expect details from strangers on the internet of course, but if anyone has any practical advice I would love to hear your thoughts.

DDD

Day of Dealing with Dickheads. That was today. I have my moments like anyone else, but I don't believe I am hard to get along with or talk to, in fact most people I work with tell me I am one of the most easy-going people they have ever met. HOWEVER, if you are a dickhead, I run out of patience with you at some point and tell you like it is. Dickheads generally don't take this well. LOL.

SOME people like to be aggressive with me and do not respect any knowledge or authority I might have in my profession of 16 years. I can deal with that if they are diplomatic and professional, but when they get in my face, I absolutely do NOT back down and stand my ground. I had to do that today. I will probably hear about it tomorrow. Oh well. I have no problems admitting fault or apologizing if I have stepped over the line, but I will get my point across come hell or high water. I am just not a "lay down and die" kind of person.

Okay, enough of that, I don't want to get "Dooced". (If you don't know what that is, try Googling it.)

I decided to say "fuck it" tonight and order a pizza. Haven't done that in quite a while! (I had a slice at the California Pizza Kitchen the other night, but mostly ate salad.) I have lost 22(?) pounds now since I started keeping track, probably more, but I just want to indulge this evening. Tomorrow it will be back to Bistro MD and protein shakes. The pizza people said it was going to take an HOUR AND 20 MINUTES for delivery. CRAP. I won't be eating until 9pm. Well, at least I won't get interrupted during "LOST"!

Chillaxing.

Did a few things around the house, but mostly relaxed, slept and spent time with myself. It was so nice. I turned down a date. (I know!) He is local, but I can tell he is not a good match for me. I guess I'm picky. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I felt kinda bad, he wasn't very happy about it, but I am not desperate and I know what I want. I also told one of my "cyber chats" I wanted to be just friends. I am soul searching and this was the result of it. I'm proud of myself! I deserve the best!

Right now I'm trying to decide whether to watch "Walking Tall" or order something from Pay-Per-View. It is late, but with all the relaxing I'm wide awake.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day!

It was sunny and (sorta) warm, not a cloud in the sky! I drove with my sunglasses on, windows down and the sunroof open. IN FEBRUARY!

Went out on a date for dinner tonight at the California Pizza Kitchen. Had a decent time, but he's definitely not "The One". I dressed up in some new clothes and wore my cute new kitten heels. I felt pretty. And that is even more rare than sun in Feb! :-)

Have a fun weekend planned.

Got some cute shoes for half price. Louie apparently likes my new shoes too, because he just wouldn't get out of the way. The weather has been nice, so I have a date planned tomorrow that includes dinner out. Perhaps details later, we'll see.

The earrings are a gift from a friend who just got back from Panama (so nice!), and I also got some new glasses. My eyeballs are failing, I had to get progressive bifocals. Those suckers were expensive.

Not much else to say today, so goodnight.

CrazyDogMama Code

I'm bored. I have cramps. I don't want to eat. I don't want to exercise. Just back away, slowly, no eye contact.

I can't seem to focus on anything for any length of time, so beware that this post will no doubt make no sense at all. I was feeling happy yesterday, and today I want to smack someone. Anyone. Just for fun. Everything everyone said today, in person, online, wherever, irritated me to no end. I don't know why. Women, huh? We are moody, get over it. I wasn't mean to anyone though, mind you. That is not acceptable.

That gives me an idea. There is a CrazyDogMama Code that I live by. You should too.

1. Never take your bad mood out on anybody.
2. Carry Aleve on you at all times.
3. Don't smack people unless it's absolutely necessary.
4. Always be ready to go out. (This is new for me.)
5. Get to know your neighbors.
6. Never guzzle wine. Enjoy every sip.
7. Don't try to be something you are not.
8. Remember every problem is temporary.
9. Take leaps of faith.
10. Keep hope alive for the life you desire.
11. Take chances once in a while.
12. Talk to people. Even if you are afraid to. It will most likely be worth it in some way.
13. Forgive easily.
14. Give it your all.
15. Don't give up.
16. Don't put God in a box.
17. Remember that you suck just like everyone else, just maybe in a different way.
18. Take regret out of your vocabulary, even bad experiences are important.
19. Kiss slowly and softly.
20. Compliment others.
21. Don't try to breath in while drinking a beverage, you will choke and cough for about a half an hour.
22. Try to find humor in everything.

Eating good, losing weight, having fun.

I've decided that I have been taking life WAY too seriously and it is time to chill out and have some fun! Instead of worrying about every little detail, I'm just talking to everyone and being myself not even thinking about any outcome.

So, let's see, we have NY Guy, Cali Boy and the new addition of Florida Dude. (I have the corners of the country covered, LOL.) Florida Dude is HOT. Not celebrity hot, but rugged, outdoorsy, big-huge muscles hot. The other two are handsome and all, but Florida Dude, WOW. All three of them share the same faith as me, but each is so very different. I feel all popular and shit! I'm being totally honest with these guys about who I am, and they dig me anyway! Not that I have been so dishonest before, but just scared that guys wouldn't like the real me. Turns out I was wrong. How cool is THAT?

What is so fun is that I don't have to make any "first" moves, I just sit and wait, then respond appropriately. These three are now what I'm calling my "regular chats". One of them is seriously wanting to get together soon, one is very optimistic about a future meeting but is taking it slow, and the third is just casual, fun and very interesting. I now eat my dinner in front of the laptop, sometimes with a nice glass of good red wine so I stay chilled out.

Speaking of dinner, here are a few pics of the yummy food that I get to eat while watching the pounds melt away. Pork tenderloin in a papaya sauce, chicken marsala, and beef tenderloin with a Thai chili sauce. All yummy.

4 days of bliss comes to an end.

The weekend is over. Poo. I did enjoy parts of it, my mom and I had fun as always. I had a nice lively email chat this morning that kept me in stitches (NY guy), and a long-ass phone conversation tonight with California boy. That's right, two men. What do you know! In the same day! NY guy and I have been sending pictures back and forth. Quite amusing, I must say! We both like to snap cheesy cell phone pics. My mom was bugging me during my email chat this morning and so I sent of pic of her to him too. She wasn't mad at all! She even picked out the pic! (My mother won't allow me to post pics of her on the internet, but she is good with sending them to my cyber boyfriends.) I think she is living vicariously through me. "What did he say now?", "What are you talking about?", "Can I read it?" (Um, NO.) California boy is planning my Cali vacation in June for me. None of this will probably happen, it's more like enjoying a fiction novel.

I should go to bed, but I'm wired. Too much coffee. The dogs have gone bonkers. They have EVERY freakin' dog toy out. You can't even walk in here. At least they are happy. :-)

Call from a distressed friend.

I got a call from a distressed friend at 3 am this morning. My long-time friend Brent has a blood clot in his leg and the doctors can't seem to help him. He has been in and out of the hospital many times over the last month and it is possible he could die if it gets to his heart. I am so worried for my friend; I have known him since I was 18 years old, and he has always been one of those people in my life I could always count on. He has lent me many an ear and many a shoulder to cry on, and I don't know how to feel other than extremely sad. I wish there was something I could do for him other than pray. He sounded so scared, and we cried together.  I love him so much.

If you pray, please pray for him. He is a good man. He has a wife and a young son.

I am stiff and sore and can hardly move.

I've spent the last two days running errands and cleaning. I cut up what seemed like a hundred boxes for the recycle bin, did 4 loads of laundry, threw away and bagged up a bunch of stuff from the garage and cleaned it up, sewed a hole in my cheetah pillow, fixed a nice dinner for my mom (who was helping me bless her heart), did a huge pile of dishes, answered a million emails and now I'm lying in bed with a backache. What I wouldn't give for a massage right now!

Tomorrow I am going to clean out the pantry, and if it is not raining, attempt to mow the lawn. That should be entertaining in that I've never done it before in my life. Please God let it rain. LOL. I have been avoiding the task for some time now, bribing others to do it, but I'm out of bribe money. I also have to somehow get on the roof and get the moss off. If you don't see me blogging, you'll know I fell off and died.

For Valentine's Day my mom got me a set of tools. So romantic! We were trying to do some household fixes and we found out I had no tools anymore. D'oh! You must own a hammer. Life is difficult without a screwdriver and a hammer.

My four-day weekend kinda sucks, but at least I'm getting some much-needed things done. Hope you all are having a little more fun than I.

Let's also hope for no more nightmares, how about a nice dream that makes me feel good when I wake up? OK thanks. Goodnight.

No matter what I do I can't stay asleep.

I keep waking up for some reason or another. The latest awakening was due to a nightmare. What adult has terrible nightmares? Aparently I'm 12. This one was a taunting nightmare that bad things keep happening to me because I'm a terrible person.

It is dumb, I know. But it keeps me awake nonetheless.

I might be funny.

4-day weekend, here I come! I don't know what I wanna do. People keep asking me to do stuff, but part of me just wants to curl up with the dogs and not leave the couch for 4 days. Or go to Greece. Either one. HA.

So, what is everyone doing for Valentines Day? Per usual, no romance for CrazyDogMama. Perhaps I will clean the garage. Good times.

I went out with some coworkers tonight to bid farewell to a friend of mine who was contracting. His contract ended and they didn't renew it so we thew him a party. It was a hoot. I (think) I got a compliment tonight. One of the ladies who joined us said to me "I didn't know you were so funny!" She said I was "fun". I thought it was nice. Apparently, I'm "funny". I actually wasn't trying to be, it must just be that shiny personality of mine. LOL.

HOT WATER

I have never missed something so much.

I am going to take a nice, long, bubble bath. Ooh the luxury. The steam. The pretty girly smells. Cold showers can really make you a lunatic, LET ME TELL YOU. Not that I had far to go.

Change of subject.

I'm finding that I'm very picky. (You know what I mean.) No one is cutting the mustard. So far it is fun and entertaining, and I'm making some friends, but I think I'm a freak magnet. OK, not every guy I've talked with is necessarily a freak, but they just aren't good enough. And damnit, I'm not settling! I'm not even settling for a mediocre date, if they don't come up with something cool, forget it. (Disneyland is cool, for example.) You never know until you really get to know someone, but I gotta "feel it". Not that I was expecting (nor wanting) this to be a quick or easy process, I'm just sayin'.

Can't afford cable...OUT.
In between jobs...OUT.
Wants to marry me after 2 emails...OUT.
Calls me incessantly...OUT.
Can't type a complete sentence...OUT.
Refers to himself in the 3rd person...OUT. (Wasn't that a Seinfeld episode? LOL.)

I can't find normal. I'm not trying to be shallow or snobby or anything, I just have standards, that's all.

They say when you stop looking, THAT'S when it happens. OK. Maybe I'll give that a try, this is nuts.

OK, gotta run. Hot water awaits.

My head is spinning.

No, I haven't been drinking. Things are just going so fast and furious in my life. I feel like I don't have one second to take it all in. To reflect. I need a switch to stop time for a week or so. Between work, errands, responsibilities, phone calls, paperwork, projects, and other crap, it is very difficult to get a foothold. I have a little anxiety going on. I got an unexpected phone call this morning from one of my new "friends". It was sweet, and exciting, and made me feel good, but I find myself grappling for words these days. I feel like a Highschool girl or something. Ha. I'm going to try and get some sleep, but I'm not holding my breath.

First Date?

It isn't until June or so, but STILL! The guy I've been talking to in California wants to meet at either Disneyland or Knott's Berry Farm this summer. Great date, huh? I thought so. In the meantime, we just keep talking and getting to know each other. This gives me time to work on my weight, too, which freaks me out. He doesn't seem to care, but I do. The NY guy wants to move to WA. Really?

We shall see how things turn out. I am a natural pessimist, I think. Or maybe I'm just jaded, I don't know. I need to get the hell over it!

Happy Superbowl!

My new NYC hat that I bought for my ex as a souvenir, but then he left, so I kept the hat. Doesn't exactly scream 'Superbowl' but I'm not really a sports person anyways. Happy Superbowl.

Hot Damn!

I'm down 9 pounds in a week and a half! That's a total of 19 since December. On my way to being a hottie! Ha.

I'm trying to be open-minded and casual.

Woke up at 7:30 and it's about time for my nap. LOL. Got invited to a Superbowl party tomorrow, but I don't know if I'm going to go. Haven't decided yet.

Been emailing a couple of people for a few weeks now (yes, guys) who are both sweet. One of the conversations is getting pretty interesting, we'll see. I've been pretty tight-lipped, letting them do most of the talking. I'm loosening up a little, though. One is from NY and the other is from California. Too far away, but who knows. It's fun to just chat and get used to this new adjustment in my life. You know, dip my toes in the pool slowly.

It just keeps getting better and better.

For the first time in as long as I can remember I owe the IRS my kidneys and my first born child. I always get a refund, but not this year! It is more than I can come up with by April 15th. Fuck me. Back to eating Top Ramen and frozen burritos. I sometimes wonder what keeps me from driving off a cliff Thelma and Louise style, but without Thelma.

Wine, Cards, and The Captain & Tennille

We each have a personal bottle of Woodbridge Chardonnay, I'm losing at Gin Rummy, and The Captain & Tennile are coaxing us to get up and dance. "That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it!"

Yup, Friday night with my ma. LOL! I love these kinds of nights, honestly. Brings back memories of my childhood and is just a way to totally decompress from the trainwreck that is my life. I don't know what I would do without my mom right now.

Don't you wish you could join us?

Yeah, go ahead. Check me into the loony bin.

There is someone I wish I could talk to, but I don't know his real name. Oh well, he probably wouldn't want to talk to me anyway. I could have a one-sided conversation here on my blog; I have so much I want to tell him. But for tonight I'll just talk to him in my head.

Plumbing Issues

It was a DAY.

I took the day off to deal with my plumbing issue and to get some much-needed R&R. It looks like my neighbor can get me a new water heater tank for a few hundred bucks and is going to install it for me for free. I owe him BIG. I'm going to have to cook for him or something! I feel like such an idiot with house maintenance issues. I have to call him for everything. "My heater is broken! My water is cold! I can't lift this! I need help installing my TV! How do you use the lawn mower?" Good grief.

LOST in LOST

AGAIN. My biggest question: Desmond wasn't on the original flight (he is the one who caused the original crash by not resetting the numbers to keep the magnetic forces at bay), so the bomb going off didn't recreate the time accurately for that counterpart of the show, so something else is going on. WTF? Damn it!

Whoever wrote that show was on crack. But I love them. ;-)

Several things here.

Lou is sporting my new scarf and leopard gloves, albeit with much annoyance. I could NOT get him to look at the camera. He punishes me for doing such things. I'm sure he'll shit on the floor later. You may also notice that there are no sheets on my bed. Yep, just the naked mattress. I washed the sheets over a week ago and have not put them back on. I am the epitome of laziness sometimes. I also hate putting sheets on. HATE. IT.

I bought this candle, and I don't care if I had 1000 dogs in this house simultaneously peeing, you would not smell it! It is SO worth the $8.99. Trust me on this.

Bistro M.D.

It is going well, the food is quite tasty and the weight is falling off, but OMG I WANT A FREAKING COOKIE.

You may fall over when you read this.

I went to church today. A new friend of mine invited me to go with her and her husband to a local community church. Now, for those of you that know me, you know I love the Lord but am not all that thrilled about organized religion. That is still true to some degree, but if the people are real and the place isn't a stadium, I'm willing to give it a chance. And NO, I did not spontaneously combust when I walked through the doors. LOL I am not exactly a shining example of what a "typical" mainstream Christian woman is, I guess. I cuss, I drink occasionally, I watch horror movies, I don't have the whole little cozy family thing going on and I am little sarcastic. Now, I don't expect to be joining the choir or leading Bible study next week, but it was nice. I believe it is what is in your heart that makes your faith what it is, and there is no room for judging others or trying to be someone you are not.

I suppose you could say I have hit a sort of "rock bottom" in my life over the last few years. Things aren't that bad, but they could certainly be a whole lot better. I'm working on that. I thank God for what I have, and ask for help and wisdom when I need it. It isn't God's fault for anything that has happened in my life. It is just life. We make choices, but all in all I believe in a personal relationship with my maker and do not consider Him my personal genie in a bottle.

I felt a little out of place today, but once I got settled, I talked to God. I said, "Where do I go from here? What is the plan?" (I don't like to mince words.) After that I sat in silence, listening to the message. I felt physically alone, but I knew God was right there keeping me together. I could feel it. I feel Him sometimes when I am home or driving. He told me that He knows all about me and what I am going through. He said he has never once left me. I asked Him to let me know that it wasn't my own voice telling me those things. The words, "Trust me." just kept coming to mind. That was it. When I opened my Bible, there were familiar scribblings among the pages. They reminded me of a different time. The pastor was teaching from 1 Corinthians. A good chapter for me right now.

I pretty much ran out as soon as the service was over and didn't talk to anyone because I'm not used to church and haven't been in one for many years. Silly, huh?

I came home and my neighbor and I have been trying to figure out my water problem. I'm going to have to get on my knees about this one I think. UG.

The Cuteness of Sleeping

Why are sleeping dogs so damn cute?

Anything is possible.

Someone said that to me today. I really want to believe them.

Neurotic with a side of OCD.

Today? Organizing our snacks and listening to QUEEN on XM radio. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS NO TIME FOR LOSERS. Does this photo prove I am neurotic with a side of OCD?

Play-Doh Fun

My team has been couped up in a conference room all day every day this week and my boss brought in Play-Doh today. This was the result.

It is amazing what a little colored dough can do for your spirits. We all acted like 5-year-olds, but what did she expect? I think she knew what she was doing. I was a little disappointed in my molding skills, but I tried. I don't even know what that is, a little devil thing? A dog with skinny ears? A gremlin? Lame.

Cold showers in the winter.

Well, Fuck. The heat is fixed and now I don't have hot water. Cold showers in the winter are just neat. Also, for extra fun, not only did the wind knock me in the head, but it knocked my fence over. THEN, the rear panel of my car got smashed. I don't have enough money to fix everything. I want to take a baseball bat to the entire house right now.

I lost it today and acted like an idiot on several levels. Additionally neat. Things just keep getting better and better and its only Wednesday. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be diagnosed with a fatal disease.

Now you know why I haven't posted in a few days. No, I'm not alright, and yes my brain was knocked loose and is apparently malfunctioning.

My brain was knocked loose.

We are having a wind/rainstorm tonight and I was out in it loading up the car. (Important week at work next week and need to be close by.) As I was loading with the door popped up, a big gust of wind came up and slammed the big door down on my head. Knocked me to the ground. OUCH. Needless to say, I have a headache and I also hurt my back. I also feel spacey. Awesome.

Facebook Retro Pics

I guess the latest thing on FB is to post retro pics of yourself. I have lots of those on the CDM Bloggery here, but my oldest and dearest friend Mick had this one that I've never seen before! Too funny. The brunette is my friend Laurie from Highschool. Wonder what ever happened to her. My hair is always the focal point of all old photos. Sigh.

Saturday night, baby!

I am having one of my loser nights where I am by myself holed up in the house. It isn't that bad actually, I could go out if I wanted, would just have to make some phone calls, but I chose isolation and the internet. I can just be myself right here. I can chat with online friends and blog and create chaos where chaos is needed.

I have some music playing, the dogs are sacked out and here I type. I'm a little bit hungry since I haven't eaten since this morning. My mom took me out for breakfast, so sweet! My "food" arrives on Wednesday, so I'm enjoying the last of my crap food.

I caught wind that my ex might be getting remarried. I started thinking if I ever would. I'm open to it, but it would of course have to be the right guy. And what the hell is THAT, the right guy? I am obviously incompetent in this area. He would have to be really nice to me and love me for me for starters. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and the obvious things like, no alcoholics or druggies, have a job, no anger issues, blah, blah, blah. I'm not worried about it right now; I have a full plate. I'm going to hold out for what I *really* want. I'll bide my time on that and just work on me for now. There was this guy once that seemed to fit the bill who made me swoon, but that's another story.

Anyway, here are some silly pics. I finally got my "True Blood" calendar. Me likes. I know, I'm a freak.

A Sign From God

Since I have been skipping the morning mochas and having protein shakes instead, things have been a little, well, off. It began today when I was logging on to my laptop at work. Part of my passcode has my name in it (Cheryl), and when I went to type it in, I somehow managed to type in 'coffee' instead. I shit you not. It was a sign from God! LOL!  I think I gotta back off the caffeine a little slower.

Things that make me happy.

These types of things make me happy. I can't help it.

Excerpts from shitmydadsays.com:

"You need to flush the toilet more than once, No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

(Left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this goddamned thing. HELLO? HELLO? Screw it."

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think."

Dreaming

I'm dreaming of someone. In particular. It is a good dream.

Don't read this if you have have a virgin sense of humor.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

People were asking me why I was laughing so hard at work. This is why. OH. MY. GOD.

I just had an epiphany.

I just realized why I write in this stupid blog. It makes me feel better. I have been in a funk today and after I wrote the last entry, I felt better. I couldn't figure out why at first, but I realize now that writing here helps me work out the jumbled mess in my head. It even makes me feel better when I'm already feeling good. I have half of a fiction book written, but fiction doesn't make me feel better, blogging does. Real life. Real problems. Real thoughts. Of course I can't write everything publicly, so I keep a private journal too, but I understand now. Some people meditate, some people run, others make music. I blog. I'm not the best blogger, I'm not even a good blogger, but I do it because I need to.

I have something I really want to say. But not now. It probably isn't what you are thinking. One of these days, though, I will. You can bet on it.

Goals

I have decided to redirect things in my life a bit. I've been entirely too focused on stupid stuff lately and need to get my act together. Body, Soul, and Spirit.

Goal number one is to get healthier. I have been using the "Healthy to Go" products in my water instead of getting iced mochas every day. These are packets filled with organic fruits and veges; each equals 6 servings. I don't take vitamins, and the mochas are making my blood sugar too high, so I tried this instead. Got it at Costco. Thank the Lord God in Heaven for Costco! I live there. I have also decided to try Bistro MD 5 days a week to lose weight and balance out my nutrition. It is pricey, but with my life right now it is impossible to work long hours, keep the house clean, take care of the dogs, do the errands AND cook and worry about my nutrition. I just simply don't have time to think about it or prepare for it. So, my first week comes next Wednesday. The food looks really good, it's supposed to be gourmet. They provide the food on "The Biggest Loser", so it can't be THAT bad. I am only doing 5 days a week so that I have room to go out for dinner, etc. NO MORE FROZEN BURRITOS. Or pizza. Or McDonalds. Well, once in a while. Workouts are going to get more intense too, I've been lazy. I anticipate having more energy, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Second, I need to figure out if I am staying in the house or moving somewhere else. I keep going back and forth. I don't know how I will figure this out, but my goal is to do just that, make a damn decision. I'm not going to rush into a decision, however.

Third, I need a third goal. It will probably be work-related. Gotta think about this one some more.

So, there it is. I am underway with goal one. Progress. The last year has been tough, but hopefully all the crap is behind me. I've gone through enough emotion to kill anyone, but here I am! Alive and (sort of) well! Life is so strange. It hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would. Does it ever? I guess if it did, that would be awfully boring.

GONG!

Remember the Gong Show? Yeah, he gets the GONG. Next, please! The dating thing is going to be rough, I can tell. I may lay low, I am just too old and tired for stupid games. Perhaps I will spend my energy elsewhere for now.

Holy CRAP!

I may have met someone online, he may be calling me tomorrow, and I may be freaking out! This guy is NOT messing around! I'm safe for the moment, he doesn't live in this state, but he isn't that far away.

I've had butterflies in my tummy all day, I'm all flustered and fidgety and my mom is making fun of me.

He is very kind and handsome, and he seems to like me despite the fact that I am a freak. You never know about the online thing, but oh well, gotta take risks sometimes.

He has a Harley and wants to know if I want to ride in his CAMARO. Um, YES PLEASE! ;-)

Hedgehog and Chicken Man

Mr. Hedgehog (Hedge) tragically died last night from severe internal injuries. The perpetrator is a beast called "Maggie". RIP little fellow.

I was getting coffee the other day from my favorite little coffee stand and witnessed quite the show. Behind the stand is a little pharmacy owned by an old guy who apparently does not enjoy chickens soliciting his business. He was flailing about, yelling and swatting the chickens with a rolled-up newspaper. The chickens were running but were not cooperating and kept going back up on his porch. Poor guy was so flustered! I, of course, was rolling in laugher taking cell phone pics.

Long day.

I'm pooped so I will post in the morning.

Don't worry everybody.

I'm not going to date anyone with a girlfriend or a wife! But if he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out some time later, I MIGHT consider it. I have a strict set of criteria now and I am not settling for anything less! Not to mention there would be a lot of getting to know someone first. I am not a ho!

Java Monster!

I tried this energy drink today called Java Monster "Loca Moca". Pretty good, but now I'm bouncing off the walls! I gotta do something, go somewhere.

OK, question. There is this guy at work. He is handsome, sweet and successful. He is not married, but I think he has a girlfriend. He works in a different building than me, but I'm always running into him. Several times now at company meetings and functions, I catch him staring at me, then when I catch his gaze, he very quickly turns his head away very deliberately, very noticeable. In fact, if it wasn't so dramatic, I would think nothing of it, but it keeps happening. He also seems nervous around me. Does this mean anything? I have no clue, but it seems odd.

The more that is thrown at me, the stronger I get.

I am choosing my own path for once. I choose not to be angry. I choose not to be sad. I choose not to be bitter. I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose faith. I choose love. It is a lonely path sometimes, but it is a good path.

I used to sit on a fence. I was pushed off, but I choose to never climb back up. I have kicked my fence over forever. I am moving forward; pushing through.

Something happened the other day and my first reaction was anger. I chose to stop it. I am not afraid anymore. I know that whatever happens, I will be fine.

I know what I want and I won't stop until I find it. And no one will stop me, either. My eyes are open. WIDE open. I won't make the same mistakes.

Some time ago I was given a second chance. I didn't see it at first, but I see it now. A new life. A better life. A chance to be who I am supposed to be.

I still need prayer, I still have challenges to deal with, but don't worry about me. Everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to. Signed, sealed and delivered.

Need prayer in a big way.

Can't say why on the blog. It is serious.

Trouble

Guess who is going out tonight? I'll try to stay out of trouble. HAHAHA.

Ginger Soy Flank Steak Recipe

I will make this soon and take pics.

- 1 1/2-2 lbs. flank steak
- 1 Tbsp. minced garlic, (about 6 cloves)
- 1 Tbsp. fresh minced ginger (from one small chunk)
- 3 scallions, (use the white and green parts) finely sliced
- 2 Tbsp. peanut oil
- 3 Tbsp. reduced-sodium soy sauce
- 2 tsp. rice vinegar

Put the flank steak in a flat dish with sides just large enough to hold it in one layer.

In a small bowl, whisk together the remaining ingredients and pour them over the steak. Flip the steak a few times to coat it with the sauce. Refrigerate it for at least 30 minutes and up to 24 hours.

Preheat the grill to medium-high or preheat the broiler.

Transfer the steak to the grill or a broiler pan, reserving any remaining sauce. Grill or broil the meat for 4-6 minutes per side until it is browned on the outside and only slightly pink in the middle.

In a small saucepan, bring any remaining marinade to a low boil for 2 minutes, and transfer it to a serving bowl.

Slice the meat on the diagonal (try to go against the grain of the steak so it won't be tough) and serve it immediately with the sauce on the side or refrigerate it for up to 3 days before serving.

Flavor Booster: Add ¼ tsp. Asian chili sauce or crushed red pepper flakes to the marinade.

Mad World

I walked down to a park in Seattle and sat on a bench. It was raining and grey out. I had my iPod on playing "Mad World". I watched as people walked by but could only hear the sounds of the song. I wish I had my camera. The faces, oh the faces on people went perfectly with the song. It is a sad song, a dark song, a beautiful song. I am going to buy the sheet music and learn it on the piano.

Read the words carefully. Tell me how it makes you feel.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow
No tommorow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad Word

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

I have a problem. I don't know what to do about it. Sitting, pondering, listening. It helps.

Well smack my ass and call me Sally! I got a comment!

AND a new follower! SEE? Begging works. Actually, I got TWO comments, thanks to Lea too. Lea, I will definitely post some food pics and recipes, but I need to actually COOK something first. Since I've been a single for a while now it is just no fun to cook for one. I don't like leftovers. Y'all gotta come over so I have a reason to get greasy in the kitchen! I did some cooking over the holidays for my mom and some friends, but other than that I've been living on frozen burritos. UG. I might make some real Mexican food tonight, but I'm not thinking it will be photo worthy. I do have a recipe I will share for some Mongolian Flank Steak that I might make this weekend. I guess I will just continue to write about my ever-changing life, I'm getting less and less "private" if you haven't noticed. Nothing too exciting right now, though. I guess the most interesting thing I've got at the moment is that I'm going to get my tattoo changed. I'm not thinking going through life with "Jim" written on my ankle is going to do me any good. Not looking forward to THAT pain! The stupid shit you do when you're young. Sigh.

OK, what is it gonna take? You people are stubborn.

I know you are out there. I ask questions and, nothing. YOU SUCK! I have to beg and plead and threaten to shut down the blog to get you to post a damn comment. I should take all my archives and put them on Facebook where people actually interact! But then most of you wouldn't be able to get in. I leave comments everywhere, or at least try to. Yes, I write partly for me, but come ON. Am I that frigging boring? Don't answer that.

Maybe I should go controversial. Lude pics? (um..no) WHAT, then? Maybe you are all keyboard challenged. About a year ago I had a statistic thingee that told me over 80,000 people had been to this blog over the last 5 years. That is 16K a year, 1333 a month, and approximately 45 people a day. Now, I'm definitely not a power blogger with those stats, but you would think someone would have something to say. Maybe I scared everyone away. That wouldn't shock me.

Are you shy? I don't bite. Well, I don't bite hard anyway. ;-)

What do you want to read? Do you want to know what is going on in my head? Probably not. Pictures? Of what? Should I cause a ruckus? I want to change things up a bit, but have no idea what to do. HELP!

I'm gonna get out there and stir up some trouble on other blogs.

Holidays are over, vacation is over.

Time to get back to reality. Actually, vacation is always nice, but I need some routine back. Today has been weird. I've been online most of the day, except for my FOUR-HOUR nap. (Now I will be up all night.) I did my budget for January, paid some bills, did some chatting on Facebook (I'm such a flirt!), organized some of my digital pics floating around on the computer and read some of my favorite bloggers. The dogs were curled up at my feet for most of it, the little cutie pies! I did a load of laundry and got the dishes done, but that was about it. I'm tired of cleaning, let me tell you! I did get a lot done over vacation; the house is actually starting to look decent. I am going to order some new office furniture tomorrow and start the redecorating in that room! My mom and I have had such fun shopping and discussing the redecoration plans. She is so great. I'm lucky to have such a cool mom.

I also have great friends! Had two girlie friends over Saturday night and it was so good to see them! I am told I am going to a casino with them next Saturday night, that should be a hoot! CrazyDogMama at the slots, look out! LOL.

I think I'll go watch some TV now, see if I get sleepy. Off to work in the morning.

Serendipity

SERENDIPITY: "The effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something unrelated."

This word popped into my head today. Don't know why. Some people think of serendipity as "fate" or "destiny", but I like the definition above. Accidentally stumbling upon something fortunate. I love that. It isn't corny or unrealistic, but a concept that you can get your mind around. Have you ever experienced it?

What are your thoughts?

Blog Goals

OK peeps, what do want out of the blog this year? Come on, let's hear it! Click on that little comment button, do it, I know you can. That means YOU. I need some blog goals this year!

Happy 2010 everyone!

I'm sitting here having a cup of coffee so I can stay awake for the countdown. I won't be kissing anyone at midnight, a tradition I've always had. Guess I'll kiss Lou-dog. LOL.

This is going to be my year. It HAS to be, damnit! It is due time.

Highlights of 2009: Got a kickass job, I got to go to NY/NJ and went to California for a week in June. I had an overabundant Christmas thanks to my awesome mom and had a good friend (my second mom) visit for a week. I also got in touch with an old friend that I previously wasn't able to get in touch with and it has been nice.

Let's not talk about the crap part of the year.

What is in store for 2010? God only knows, but I'm trying to be optimistic! Cheers!

A Recent Facebook Conversation

I had talked about my divorce and being traded in for a much younger model and Jeffery had the best comment, "These things have a tendency to backfire on people. Which is worth more? A 1965 Ford Mustang, or a 1985 Ford Mustang? When the new car smell wears off, pretty sure Jim will be faced with "What the hell was I thinking?" Sorry it is causing you pain, but I am confident that wonderful things and opportunities are going to open up for you. Just keep hanging in there and know your friends will be there for you."

My sarcastic ass wrote back and asked if I could be a 1967 SS Camaro instead. He said "Sure thing, you can be whatever car you like. I will even pass on the myriad of jokes about who gets to drive. But inquiring minds often get told to shut the hell up." LOL!

Where are you?

Talk to me!

Lady in Red, or Something Like That

Off to a party in my new red cashmere scarf! You know I will blog about it.

Philosophical

Some things in life you wish you could change. Someone said something horrible to me one time, and it hurt because it was true. Also, someone said something wonderful to me one time, and it hurt because it wasn't true. I used to believe in the impossible, now I believe in the inevitable.

Nice Flakes!

Christmas fingernails! LOL.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope it was magical for you. The pics are of the "appetizer" dinner my mom and I had on Christmas Eve and the doggies among the Christmas morning debris. My mom spoiled me rotten this year! I can't believe all she has done for me. I kinda feel guilty. Unless something is vastly different in our lives, we have decided next year we are going on a cruise for Christmas! Weeeee!

Dinner Party

Had some friends and family over for dinner tonight. My neighbor, my mom and my stepson. Bill (my stepson) has just turned out to be the sweetest kid, well, MAN now. I can't believe he is turning 18 and moving to Cali to go to college next year. We have stayed close through all of this, and I feel blessed. I've known him since he was 1 1/2 years old. He is meeting his dad's girlfriend tomorrow and I hope it isn't too awkward for him. He is weirded-out by it.

I made a glazed ham, asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes, salad and rolls. The food turned out good, but I have a second degree burn and broke my round baking stone by putting it on a burner that was on. What a dope I am. Made a bit of a spectacle of myself. Oops. At least things are never boring around here! LOL.

I'm exhausted. Going to watch an episode of Roswell (shut up) and hit the sheets. I can't really figure out how I'm feeling. Honestly, I'm a little down, but I'll get over it. I can see now why there are so many suicides this time of year, though. I'm having second thoughts about selling the house right away. I worked my ASS off to get it and keep it, and after looking at some condos in downtown Seattle, I'm worried it would be too hard with the dogs. I might just completely remodel and make it all mine. I don't know. I guess I'll see what happens in my life.

Merry Christmas Eve-Eve!

Two Steps Forward, Five Steps Back

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had a terrible day. Just when you take 2 steps forward, something knocks you back 5. I am officially on holiday vacation now and wish I could get away. Instead of counting sheep, I'm picturing a small table. It has a candle on it, and it is nestled on soft sand. It is evening, late, but not too late. Other tables with candles are nearby, but the occupant's conversations are soft and cannot be distinguished more than a mutter. There is a band that can be heard in the distance playing pleasant music. A big grassy straw-like covering overhangs. The candles make everything appear orange and comfortable. Safe. Relaxing. There is a warm wind, and I can smell fragrant flowers. It is a clear night with a big moon and a magnificent display of stars. I am barefoot, wearing a tank top and an oversized sarong as a skirt. I sit down at the table.

You can finish the story for me.

Wrapping Presents Blows

Okay, you know what? I fucking hate wrapping presents. I suck at it, I get frustrated, it takes me forever and I make a huge, stupid mess. I waste a lot of wrapping paper because I always cut it wrong. (Too short, too crooked, etc.) To be extra festive this year, I am watching the news about two more policemen shot. That makes seven in this state in 2 months! It is horrifying and tragic. I cannot believe what is happening. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of the families dealing with this right now. And I thought I had it bad, I guess I should be glad I'm not a cop anymore. My prayers go out to all affected. On a happier note, I was taken to lunch today to a cute little French restaurant in Belltown called "Le Pichet", and my espresso was so pretty I had to take a picture of it!

We can open presents whenever we want!

So, my mom and I decided to pretty much give each other all our Christmas gifts early, especially when we are out shopping. "Do you like this? Great! Here you go, Merry Christmas!" It has been a hoot. We have saved a few so we aren't bored on Christmas morning, but we are doing things totally out of tradition this year. One gift I let her have early is a DVD set she wanted of the TV series "Roswell". This series is older, it came out in 1999. It is about teenagers and aliens and such. I secretly rolled my eyes thinking "What the hell, ma? This looks lame as hell." Well, I've been staying with her off and on lately and yes, you guessed it, she made me watch it with her. I'm totally 100% hooked. I am so embarrassed to admit that, but I love it. We are only through the third disc set and I can't wait to watch the next one. Damn her!

Today should be interesting. Today begins the path to my new life. Aren't you dying to know what I'm up to?

Charlie Brown Christmas

This is as festive as I am getting this year. I just don't have it in me to put up a Christmas tree. Maybe next year. If you can see it, I have a Bonafide Charlie Brown Christmas Tree to the right of the TV that my stepson gave to me. It's totally working this year.

Planning My Life

I have had a good couple of days and have actually started planning my life! I'm excited about some of the decisions I've made to go forward. So excited that I forgot to blog! I'm not going to go into details too early because I think it will be more fun to write about it as it unfolds. The first decision on my path is that I am putting my house on the market in January. That is step one. I'm going to do things MY way for once, and it feels great! More tomorrow when my eyeballs can focus again.

Zero Plans

This time next week I will be on vacation until after the first of the year. I have ZERO plans. I am having a very low-key Christmas with just my mom, but other than that I don't know what to do with myself. My company shuts down so it is all holiday pay (yay!), although I will be on-call. I don't know when I will find out about the supervisor position. It's a crapshoot at this point. I guess if it is meant to be it will be. Or not. So, what should I do with my time off?

The "I wonder where I will be a year from now" game.

Well, I'm lying in bed with my mind racing and can't sleep. This time last year I had just been laid off from my job and had started a temporary contract job. I remember wondering where I would be in a year. I was WAY OFF. I always am. That is part of the allure behind blogging and journaling, to see how things change and how things happen beyond your imagination. Someone said to me around that time that they predicted I would be in the same situation a year from the time they told me, and that they probably would be in their same situation too. They said, "We never really change much do we?". I never met that person, but I would say they were a bit wrong. I wonder if things turned out different than they expected too.

I'm going to make this a new thing I do at the same time every year. Let's call it, "I wonder where I will be a year from now?"

Lou & the Whipped Cream, New Earrings, and A Pity Pot

He pees on the floor, barks at everything and gets into all kinds of trouble, but every now and then his antics just crack me up and I was laughing too hard to yell at him.

I stopped at an espresso drive-thru and got an iced mocha with whipped cream once, and Louie was riding shotgun curled up in a ball with the butt warmer on. I got distracted with a call and the next minute I looked down; I was greeted by a grinning whipped cream-faced dog with a straw in his mouth. It was classic.

I've been on the pity pot lately. (If you haven't noticed.) Not a fun place to be. I know it's stupid, but sometimes you just can't help it. Today I was a tad grumpy. I was yelling at stupid drivers and wanted to tip over a holiday display. Bah, Humbug! Hehe. I usually adore Christmas, but with everything I've dealt with this year I guess I'm a little cynical and pissed off. I'm with Chele, what the hell happened to "gentlemen"? I can't remember the last time a man opened a door for me. In fact, I had a door swing into my face tonight. Thanks dude. I'm thinking my choices are somewhat nil in this day and age. I'm too old fashioned, I guess. I believe I have much to give, but I don't want to cast my pearls before swine, you know? I want to be taken care of this time and be the adoring, loyal wife. I make good money, I'm educated, I love to cook, and I love sex, but I'm not putting up with any shit. I'm done with that. Tiger Woods? What an idiot! Cheat on Elin Nordegren? FOOL.

OK I'm done ranting on my blog here into cyber space. Everything is wonderful and normal. I did buy myself some new earrings from Macy's. A little Christmas gift to myself. ;-)

The good, the bad and the goofy.

The bad: Took Lou to the vet today. The prognosis is not good. I just have to love him and enjoy him while I can. I feel like I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.

The good: My mom, her best friend Cathy and I are going to take a trip to New Orleans in the new year. Woohoo! I'm worried about what to do with Lou though, he couldn't handle boarding.

The goofy: I made cookies and they all melted together into one big cookie. LOL!

Shit List

Are you on it? My shit list is growing. ;-). Ever had one of those days (lives?) where nothing goes right, and everyone irritates you? Gah.

Got this funny gag gift at the company Christmas party. Somebody knows me all too well, I think!

Heat is not overrated.

I have HEAT! Yay! Only cost $200 for my neighbor to fix it. Thank you, GOD and Denin. What a week. I've had better. I'm really worried about Lou-dog, he is going downhill and I'm so afraid. I can't lose him, I CAN'T. Not now. That would send me right over the edge. I need him well. Right NOW.

Don't fall asleep reading this post.

Long day. Worked for a bit, had a departmental holiday party that I zoned out at and didn't really participate in (had a Pepsi and played one game of pool, whoop-de-doo!), got an oil & lube and car wash, went to dinner with mom, had neighbor install new heater pump but haven't heard back to see if it worked, printed out my credit reports, signed lawyer paperwork and now it's time for bed. Exciting shit, no? Haven't been sleeping well and I'm very, very tired. I need to iron about 50 shirts/pants and don't have the energy. Gotta train two new people tomorrow at work. Blah!

Did you fall asleep reading this post? I did.

It's good to pay it forward.

Unthawed. My mother is being a gracious hostess and dogsitter. My neighbor is trying to get me a new pump for my heater at wholesale and offered to install it for me. Such a nice guy. His truck broke down and I gave him my old truck, no strings attached. That is what it is all about, this life, helping each other out.

Had my internal interview at work yesterday for the supervisor position. Keep fingers and toes crossed, a good promotion would be GREAT right now! If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Things could get interesting.

Frozen

I'm going to freeze to death. My heater pump went out. I have no fireplace except my fake one, and neither it nor my space heater can get the air temp above about 50 degrees, and that is only within a small area. I have 2 layers of clothes on under the covers here in my bed. The dogs are shaking. It is supposed to snow on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Jim didn't leave me in the greatest financial position (I kind of got left holding the bag with 2 mortgages and lots of bills) so I'm going to have stay at my mom's or something until I can get it fixed, or the dogs and I will turn into popsicles.

I broke down and cried earlier. Have you ever cried while your teeth were chattering? It's a little frightening. It'll get better, right?

Holiday Party Update

Well dinner was good, the "Kings of Swing" were fun, and a coworker friend of mine proposed to his girlfriend (also a coworker) in front of everyone. It was so sweet. It brought me to tears of course. Right now, I'm standing outside alone getting some fresh air. (Am I pathetic or what?). I can't feel my toes. More later.

Hot-Ass Prawns

Went to dinner and shopping with mama. I had "Camarones del Diablo" which is Spanish for hot-ass prawns. YUM. I will regret it tomorrow, but it was worth it. ;-)

My coworkers are making me go to the company Christmas party tomorrow. Swing dancing with no one to dance with, not that I would have danced anyway. Neat. I did buy a nice outfit, though. I figure if I'm not having a good time I'll just leave.

Out of My Comfort Zone

I like how Kim put it: I am going through some deep shit.

That's for sure! On several levels. My ENTIRE life has and continues to change. I am so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know what a comfort zone is anymore. The only family I have left is my mom, my stepson and the dogs, due to 4 deaths and a husband who bailed (which pretty much eliminated 2 other family members). I'm having to learn to be alone, and how to control my emotions and maintain composure. I want to learn what love and happiness is/means. I am still relatively new at my job, and it is morphing as we speak. I'm having to trust in God to protect me and help me through hard things. I'm going to have to move soon. I've learned who my true friends are.

I'm doing pretty good I think, considering the circumstances. Some awful crap has happened, and of course I'm not posting that on the internet, but life can suck. I know, I'm an expert. But it is up to me. It is my choice to move ahead. It is up to me to make good, healthy choices. I'm in charge of my own happiness (that is also a choice, sometimes hard, but still a choice). As far as love goes, well, I'm a little old fashioned there wanting the man to be the pursuer, but who knows. I have no idea what will happen to me. I've definitely learned that life is full of surprises and that anger, bitterness and vindictiveness is a total waste of time.

Prayer Works

I AM HAVING A GOOD DAY. That may seem trivial to you, but if you knew the hell I've been through lately you would fall right over. I laughed today. I only teared up once; briefly. I am feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in a while, and I was so far from feeling that yesterday it isn't even funny. I want to go back to NY (Annie you are coming next time; can you imagine the damage we could do together?) which means I am thinking about fun things instead of not fun things. I enjoyed my tuna melt for lunch, and I got winked at on the elevator at my lawyer's office.

To have a change in spirit THAT quickly either means I'm Bipolar, or the prayers are working. Now, I've been to therapy, and they said the only problem I have is anxiety, YUP. God. Do NOT argue with me.

I may be grumpy and sad again tomorrow, but I had a good day TODAY.

One Too Many Blows

I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am starting not to care about anything. I've taken one too many blows and just don't have the strength to get up anymore.

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and I have bad days. Everyone does, but when the bad hits, it really hits. The last few years have just torn my soul apart. Deaths, separation/divorce, and many other things, and I was already stressed, struggling and unhappy when the storm came and slammed my ass. One thing after the other. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! I was doing pretty well there for a while keeping myself together, but some 'challenges' have presented themselves of late and the few glimpses of hope for a couple of things I had, have died.

I walked through Costco today among the decorations, families and busy shoppers. I felt dizzy. I suddenly felt incredibly alone with 100's of people around. I felt small and invisible. I just told myself to breathe. This too shall pass.

I'm just having faith that everything will be OK. You have to be happy with yourself before your life will start to take a good shape. I like myself, even when I'm a dumbass idiot fool, but sometimes life can beat you down a bit.

Thanksgiving with Mom 2009

Here is our sad little turkey with a little turkey boner! Haha, that's what I call it. The dogs are just waiting for ANYTHING to drop. It's not the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had, but I feel loved and warm. Got my fuzzy house slippers on. I didn't cook this year for the first time in a LONG time. Actually, I haven't cooked much at all for a while now, but I will again, I'm sure, if you know what I mean.

Happy Turkey Day to all who celebrate! WOOF! From Louie and Maggie.

CrazyDogMama Wisdom

One of life's greatest accomplishments is being true to yourself. Others can let you down or betray you, but you can still walk with your head held high and a clear conscience. When you betray yourself, it is a prison. It is a deep emotional wound more so than when you are hurt by others or by circumstances.