Exhausted from sobbing, Sarah slowly got up and prepared for her shower. She tossed her camisole, bra and panties into the sink for washing, and turned the shower knobs on full blast and hot, until the room was steamy.
She let the hot water run over her face and down her body without moving, just standing with her head tilted up towards the shower nozzle. Her face was swollen, her muscles ached, and her arm bled. She just stood, still, for what seemed an eternity. Concerned the hot water may run out, she grabbed the paper-wrapped hotel soap and ripped it open. Oh, how she missed her fragrant, girly soap from home. She hoped maybe someone would get to use it. The hotel soap had a wooden, bland smell, and the shampoo was even worse. She was grateful just to be able to get cleaned up, though, and was enjoying the relaxation. She had no idea how long she had before her next job was presented. The hotel was her rest stop for the moment, and she was now in wait.
As she washed her face, she suddenly started to feel a little faint. Her mind raced and she knew what was happening. She held on to the sides of the shower and slowly lowered herself to the basin floor. She huddled in the corner with her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself, and burying her head so as to shield her face from the hot shower water raining down on her. She started to shake violently and was jolted back and forth, side to side, hitting the shower walls. She heard the familiar whispers, "Test the spirits, test the spirits!” She knew what to do and did it promptly. The jolting stopped, but she still shook. Sarah could no longer hear any sounds, not the shower water, not even her own heartbeat. Nothing. The kind of silence that if it were to continue, may drive a person mad. She could still feel the hot water beating against the top of her head and knees, though.
She waited. Sarah said a small prayer asking for strength, understanding and protection. Just as she finished her prayer, she could see colors everywhere, even though her eyes were tightly closed. Now she could not feel the water hitting her, yet she was warm. The colors moved and started to form a picture. She saw the hotel she was in, then it faded and formed a new picture. This picture was of a coffee shop with a pink “HELP” sign floating against the window. She didn’t understand what that meant. Help who? Help how? Where is the coffee shop? Please, I need more information! she thought to herself. The vision ended like a lightning strike, startling her. She felt the water return and all the sounds of the room. She lifted her head and hoisted herself up. As she reached to turn to the nozzles off, she noticed the cut on her arm was gone. Vanished as if it were never there.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Cooking Block
I'm having a cooking block. Nothing sounds good anymore. I'm reducing myself to mac and cheese tonight. Possibly a hot dog. Yes, I am 5 years old, where's the apple juice?
I'm thinking of following it up with some of my cognac, though. That will help with the writing. HA.
Did anyone catch "Fringe" last night? It was pretty good, done by the same guy who does "Lost", my favorite. The story I'm writing will have some supernatural element to it, so watching my shows is research, LOL.
BTW, what's up with the lack of comments? Not that I ever really got many, but I'm all lonely over here. Throw me a bone. I've been a blogging fool lately, but I think I'm talking to myself.
Nichole, you have been very good lately, that was not for you. I'm surprised you are not saying something about hurricane Ike hitting Texas soon. In all seriousness, though, I hope it takes a turn. The weather is just out of control anymore.
Going to go eat and do some writing. My new hobby to keep me busy.
I'm thinking of following it up with some of my cognac, though. That will help with the writing. HA.
Did anyone catch "Fringe" last night? It was pretty good, done by the same guy who does "Lost", my favorite. The story I'm writing will have some supernatural element to it, so watching my shows is research, LOL.
BTW, what's up with the lack of comments? Not that I ever really got many, but I'm all lonely over here. Throw me a bone. I've been a blogging fool lately, but I think I'm talking to myself.
Nichole, you have been very good lately, that was not for you. I'm surprised you are not saying something about hurricane Ike hitting Texas soon. In all seriousness, though, I hope it takes a turn. The weather is just out of control anymore.
Going to go eat and do some writing. My new hobby to keep me busy.
Edit to the Story
I did a little editing of the last story entry (Chapter 1, Part 3), if you are following it. It sounded goofy. It still sounds goofy, but I'm enjoying doing it, nonetheless. It is strangely freeing. I have so many ideas, but it is not easy getting them organized. That's why I'm practicing on you. I didn't have a good day and it's a good escape.
Blocked
My Story, Chapter 1, Part 3
Sarah touched the necklace softly as tears began to stream down her face. She hated to cry, but there was no way she was going to stop this. She had been holding it back for too long.
She shut her eyes. Six months ago, she had taken a short business trip to Belize, and even though the beauty of the place was incomprehensible, she had been bored and depressed as her new co-workers flitted off to tours, fancy restaurants and dancing, leaving her to herself. She tried to shop, tried to relax in the sun and take in the sights, but she was still alone. As an editor, she was used to time alone, but it was painful when in such a beautiful place.
Giving in to solitude, she had found a small cafe to relax in and grab a drink. That is when she met him. She had noticed a man sitting in the corner, but didn't make eye contact, as she was shy. She felt him looking at her. Staring. She remembers giggling a little when he accidentally spilled his drink as she got up and walked to the ladies' room.
When she got back, much to her surprise, he was standing next to her table. "Do I know you?" she asked; however, she did actually feel like she knew him from somewhere. "No, I'm sorry to bother you, but I had to talk to you." he said, sheepishly. His cheeks started to turn a little red, but he never took his eyes off of her. He had the most penetrating eyes. "I actually have no idea what to say." He smiled and admitted that he had been staring and that something made him get up. He could not let her walk away without talking to her. Sarah didn't know what to say either, but she couldn't explain what she felt when he spoke. She was flattered by his gesture, but something was different. He felt it too, she could tell. It was like no one else was in the world except them at that moment.
The next two days were a blur of indescribable emotions for Sarah. She spent every minute she could with the man from the cafe. They talked, they ate, they drank. When he kissed her, it did more than make her weak in the knees. The last day before Sarah was to leave for home, and as they were walking along the Belizean coast, he turned to her. "Marry me, Sarah. Please, please marry me."
He had already told her he loved her, and she had said it back like they had been a couple for 10 years. Sarah didn't even have to think about it. It never occurred to her that this was absurd and crazy. She didn't ever want to be without him. She couldn't be without him! Never in her 38 years had she ever felt so comfortable, so in love, so herself. She smiled and said "Of course!" He smiled back, a huge grin on his face, such a sincere and honest sigh came out of him as he lifted her up, swung her around and kissed her with so much passion she almost didn't believe it was happening. She finally understood all those silly terms. 'Love at first sight', 'soulmates', and the like. The connection they shared was unreal. Not only did she feel like she had known him all of her life, but they also shared an intense, burning passion for one another, way beyond what she thought existed. Although her carnal thoughts were going all over place, it did not seem like lust or obsession, but almost like a force.
They looked for a jewelry shop, but of course beach towns in Belize are not exactly known for their wedding ring stores. They found a small shop after a few hours with the most colorful and exotic pieces they had ever seen. He picked up the blue topaz necklace and held it up to her face. He lightly brushed her hair back with his fingers and said "Perfect." "It matches your eyes and the color of the sea outside." He bought it and he put it around her neck as a substitute for a ring. For now. Sarah had so much emotion running through her she thought she was going to explode. That night they made love. Every touch was deliberate, every feeling was new, and every emotion was tender. She was dizzy with happiness and contentment; foreign feelings for her until now.
Sarah opened her eyes and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She put her hands over her face and rocked back and forth. "Oh my God, Michael. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I love you so much."
She shut her eyes. Six months ago, she had taken a short business trip to Belize, and even though the beauty of the place was incomprehensible, she had been bored and depressed as her new co-workers flitted off to tours, fancy restaurants and dancing, leaving her to herself. She tried to shop, tried to relax in the sun and take in the sights, but she was still alone. As an editor, she was used to time alone, but it was painful when in such a beautiful place.
Giving in to solitude, she had found a small cafe to relax in and grab a drink. That is when she met him. She had noticed a man sitting in the corner, but didn't make eye contact, as she was shy. She felt him looking at her. Staring. She remembers giggling a little when he accidentally spilled his drink as she got up and walked to the ladies' room.
When she got back, much to her surprise, he was standing next to her table. "Do I know you?" she asked; however, she did actually feel like she knew him from somewhere. "No, I'm sorry to bother you, but I had to talk to you." he said, sheepishly. His cheeks started to turn a little red, but he never took his eyes off of her. He had the most penetrating eyes. "I actually have no idea what to say." He smiled and admitted that he had been staring and that something made him get up. He could not let her walk away without talking to her. Sarah didn't know what to say either, but she couldn't explain what she felt when he spoke. She was flattered by his gesture, but something was different. He felt it too, she could tell. It was like no one else was in the world except them at that moment.
The next two days were a blur of indescribable emotions for Sarah. She spent every minute she could with the man from the cafe. They talked, they ate, they drank. When he kissed her, it did more than make her weak in the knees. The last day before Sarah was to leave for home, and as they were walking along the Belizean coast, he turned to her. "Marry me, Sarah. Please, please marry me."
He had already told her he loved her, and she had said it back like they had been a couple for 10 years. Sarah didn't even have to think about it. It never occurred to her that this was absurd and crazy. She didn't ever want to be without him. She couldn't be without him! Never in her 38 years had she ever felt so comfortable, so in love, so herself. She smiled and said "Of course!" He smiled back, a huge grin on his face, such a sincere and honest sigh came out of him as he lifted her up, swung her around and kissed her with so much passion she almost didn't believe it was happening. She finally understood all those silly terms. 'Love at first sight', 'soulmates', and the like. The connection they shared was unreal. Not only did she feel like she had known him all of her life, but they also shared an intense, burning passion for one another, way beyond what she thought existed. Although her carnal thoughts were going all over place, it did not seem like lust or obsession, but almost like a force.
They looked for a jewelry shop, but of course beach towns in Belize are not exactly known for their wedding ring stores. They found a small shop after a few hours with the most colorful and exotic pieces they had ever seen. He picked up the blue topaz necklace and held it up to her face. He lightly brushed her hair back with his fingers and said "Perfect." "It matches your eyes and the color of the sea outside." He bought it and he put it around her neck as a substitute for a ring. For now. Sarah had so much emotion running through her she thought she was going to explode. That night they made love. Every touch was deliberate, every feeling was new, and every emotion was tender. She was dizzy with happiness and contentment; foreign feelings for her until now.
Sarah opened her eyes and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She put her hands over her face and rocked back and forth. "Oh my God, Michael. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I love you so much."
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
My Story, Chapter 1, Part 2
Even as hot as it was, Sarah couldn't think of anything better than a nice hot, long shower. It had been a few days since she was able to wash, and when she got to the hotel at 2 am, all she had the strength to do was take off her jeans, throw her duffle bag on the cheap yellow velvet chair by the window and fall onto the bed.
She walked over to her bag and dug out her toiletries. A small grey box fell out and tumbled under the bed. She reluctantly got on her hands and knees on the disgusting carpeting to retrieve it. As she reached for it, a loud knock on the door made her suddenly recoil her arm and scrape it against the bed's metal frame. "Housekeeping!" Sarah winced as blood dripped from her forearm. "Can you come back later?" she managed to say. She heard the woman mutter something in Spanish and roll her cart away. Looking for something to wrap her arm with, she reached for the small box with her other.
Sitting on the floor with Kleenex stuck on her arm, she opened the box. It had been at least two weeks since she had gazed at the most important possession that she had left, a small blue topaz on a delicate gold chain. The last thing he gave her before everything happened.
She walked over to her bag and dug out her toiletries. A small grey box fell out and tumbled under the bed. She reluctantly got on her hands and knees on the disgusting carpeting to retrieve it. As she reached for it, a loud knock on the door made her suddenly recoil her arm and scrape it against the bed's metal frame. "Housekeeping!" Sarah winced as blood dripped from her forearm. "Can you come back later?" she managed to say. She heard the woman mutter something in Spanish and roll her cart away. Looking for something to wrap her arm with, she reached for the small box with her other.
Sitting on the floor with Kleenex stuck on her arm, she opened the box. It had been at least two weeks since she had gazed at the most important possession that she had left, a small blue topaz on a delicate gold chain. The last thing he gave her before everything happened.
Ice Cream Truck
Before getting back to the story, I have to tell you about our neighborhood ice cream truck. It is the most depressing thing you have ever heard in your life.
It plays the theme song from "Love Story", the movie. I shit you not. Are they trying to stimulate your suicidal thoughts and/or clinical depression so that you will say "fuck it" and buy 12 fudge pops? I know I want one. LOL. Maybe next year they'll play "All by Myself". Seriously, though, what are they THINKING?
My Story, Chapter 1, Part 1
She could feel the heat on her eyelids. The sun was just starting to shine through the sheer white curtains. Sarah rolled away from the bright light and leaned forward. The room was humid and sticky, and as she remembered where she was, a brief moment of panic struck her chest. Her heart palpitated and fluttered. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes. With her hand slightly shaking, she slid some of her hair behind her ear; leaving the other side hanging as she stared down at the dirty beige carpet. The panic slowly faded and her thoughts were diverted to him. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the memory of his hands lightly touching her shoulders from behind, and so softly, almost barely, kissing the back of her neck. Even in the memory she shivered.
Sarah opened her eyes and quickly jumped up from the hotel bed not wanting to think about it anymore. He was gone and she had to keep moving. That was the way it had to be.
In the small bathroom mirror Sarah looked at herself. One of the straps from her white camisole fell to the side from the top of her shoulder. It was in great need of washing. Her long, dark brown, layered hair hung in front of her face and deep, dark circles invaded what were once her bright, vivacious eyes.
Sarah opened her eyes and quickly jumped up from the hotel bed not wanting to think about it anymore. He was gone and she had to keep moving. That was the way it had to be.
In the small bathroom mirror Sarah looked at herself. One of the straps from her white camisole fell to the side from the top of her shoulder. It was in great need of washing. Her long, dark brown, layered hair hung in front of her face and deep, dark circles invaded what were once her bright, vivacious eyes.
Homemade Iced Mocha
I feel strange emotionally this morning, like anxious or expectant. Can't put my finger on it exactly. I know I'm bizarre, I just have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not a bad feeling necessarily, just a weird one.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Womanly Bargains
I'm actually twirling! I want to kiss everyone! Not a good idea, but still. Now I need a night out on the town. Juice? Did you say something about $3 tini nights?
Oh! I almost forgot, my "Coffee Bean" espresso and chocolate powder came today in the mail, too! I think there's only like one thing missing from me being in utter orgasmic bliss!
Freshly showered and caffeinated.
The dogs were throwing a fit when I locked them up this morning. Holy GOD. I have to scream at the top of my lungs to get their attention. Which I'm sure the neighbors appreciate at 6 am.
Night Terrors
Just woke up from some terrible dreams. I used to think only kids dealt with that, boy was I wrong. It is horrible waking up in the middle of the night like this, feeling like this. Anyway, for anyone out there going through night terrors, I feel your pain.
On a side note, I let the dogs out to go potty while I was up, and I caught Louie licking the BBQ utensils. Nice. Eww.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Not the same.
Lazy Relaxing
OK, there is a fine line between relaxing and lazy. Maybe I should just call it lazy relaxing. I do it well. I'm lying in the sun today while the weather is still nice, and I can hear all my neighbors mowing their lawns and tending to their outside duties. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher yet. I really need to organize my office, too, and my filing cabinet is busting at the seams with old papers, bills, etc. I need to invest in a shredder. But the sun is out, and I don't want to waste this precious time.
I watered my plants. There, I did something. Now I'm going to hose myself off, because I'm a little too warm. Hopefully no one is watching.
Big Efforts
While out shopping the other day I ran across a really cool CD. It's called "Cabernet, Jazz from the Wine Bar". I listened to some samples and loved it. It is mellow, yet catchy and soothing. I'm changing in my old age, it is strange. Anyway, I think I'm going to play it to complete the ambiance I've got going on over here.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Herbs & Geraniums
On the more boring side of my life, here is a picture of my Dill & Cilantro herb pot that is now out of control in just 4 weeks (from seeds), and my beautiful Geraniums. (Thanks Mrs. A!)
I didn't end up going to bed until about 4:30 am this morning, then I got this really excited call from my mom at 9 am, exclaiming news about some upcoming sale. LOL! So much for sleeping in.
I didn't end up going to bed until about 4:30 am this morning, then I got this really excited call from my mom at 9 am, exclaiming news about some upcoming sale. LOL! So much for sleeping in.
What I Want
Well, I tried to go to bed. No luck. *Sigh*
I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.
I think too much. People ask me a lot why I am unhappy, or why I am depressed. They think I don't know what I want out of life, or that I'm afraid, or some such thing. Actually, I know exactly what I want out of life, and yes, I am a little scared, but mainly I just don't always know how to GO ABOUT getting what I want, or what will happen if I get it! It can be a little tricky navigating your desired path. It affects other people, it takes time, it takes drive and motivation, and it takes sacrifice. The "details" of what I want are a little sketchy, like where to live, what job to get after my current job ends, etc., but as for what I want OUT of life is easy. I could give you a list.
I also know what I don't want. I think the unhappiness and depression, and maybe even the anger, comes from being frustrated and held back by forces beyond my control. Frustrated at my (perceived) lack of progress. There are obstacles. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm complacent. Sometimes I just get stuck looking up at that mountain I'm climbing. I stand there with my hands on my hips, breathing heavy, then shake my fists at it. I keep going, but never seem to get to the summit.
I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.
I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.
I've actually made some significant progress lately, but I'm still "whacking my way through the jungle" so to speak. My therapist told me this week that I have progressed enough to shorten the number of sessions I go to with her, and so I did. By half! I'm feeling pretty good about that! She said I am starting to solve my own problems, and that I am stabilizing. I don't feel stable. Not at all. But I'm trying to believe her, and pushing forward even unsure.
I'm sure I'll still screw up and melt down from time to time, but it sure feels good to take a little control, even just a teeny tiny bit.
Friday, September 05, 2008
The Dance of Anger
These are my new chili pepper lights, which are cool as hell, but a total unnecessary purchase. Little things make me happy though. Then there is my necessary purchase to deal with my anger issues, as recommended reading from my therapist, "The Dance of Anger".
I'm just kicking back now relaxing, trying to decide whether to go to bed or not.
Annoying My Mother
Going to party with my mama tonight. Dinner and shopping. I did a quick tan at lunch and had the best teriyaki EVER. That's the picture, along with my new indoor tanning lotion (I know, I know) and me sniffing it because it smells so good. I'll post more later when it is not annoying my mother, like it is right now.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Maybe
This was sent to me today and it really touched me. I didn't find it cheesy, but thought provoking. Thought I would share.
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
MAYBE...
Maybe . . .
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right ones so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe . . .
when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe . . .
it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe . . .
the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe . . .
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe . . .
you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe . . .
there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.
Maybe . . .
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe . . .
you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe . . .
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe . . .
happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe . . .
you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe . .
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy
Maybe . . .
you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.
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