Leave me alone!

Crap. He called and called and texted and emailed. I finally gave in and answered. He isn't letting go. Gary. Why is everything so complicated? Why can't anything ever be simple?

Question for the guys out there.

I am a little old fashioned and believe the man should pursue the woman, but since I am new to dating (haven't since, oh, 1992 or so), I want to know if men still prefer that. I would NEVER ask a guy out, but with online dating, do you think it is a turn off for a woman to "wink" first, or should I wait for the wink? Just curious. I've always been told that if a guy (a real man) is interested he will make the first move and doesn't want the woman to, likes a little challenge. I have no clue. I can't change who I am, but wondering if a little flirting first is OK. I am looking for a quality guy, not some pretty boy idiot.

Grocery Shopping with CrazyDogMama

I'm in love with Ideal Protein Products, they are YUMMY. I got sick of Bistro MD and it became too expensive. I did lose 50 pounds, but what I'm doing now is working really well and I love what it is doing to my body (getting everything right on the inside). It is reasonable because you do your own dinners and sauces/spices. (Walden Farms for those!) Since I like to cook and like fresh food it works better for me. I will also be off ALL my medications within 3 months or so. Yay! It's a bitch at first, though. My body is so completely messed up. Once I am out of detox (phase 1) I will start on P90X. I can't workout that hard with limited carbs, so for now I am walking, swimming and doing some weights, but not to the point of muscle failure. I'm thinking my dating life will improve with a kickass body. Men are all about the visual. LOL. First thing I'm going to do when I reach my goal is buy myself a sexy evening dress from Chico's and go OUT. I am also going to post a pic of me in a bikini that day. Oh YES, I will! I have a GREAT support team right now that is rooting for me every step of the way. I have made good strides, now for the home stretch!

Detoxing

Me, my new lipstick and my leopard hair thingee.

It's been a rough couple of days detoxing. I am not eating sugar, bread, pasta or any dairy for a time. I am on a doctor's program to get the last of the weight off and get completely healthy. It comes with a price. A monster headache for starters. It will get easier, and I will feel great in a month or so. I need to get my hormones in balance, my insulin regulated and all the poison food out of my system.

Disney Halloween Time!

OMG the "scary" Space Mountain is WAY cool! I'm such a nerd, but I LOVED the ghoul effects and sinister music! The outside was all lit up too, with psychedelic colors. Went after work with my second mom (my Godmother Cathy) and we had such a great time, eating ginger pastries with eggnog anglaise sauce, shopping, and Halloween Haunted Mansion. If the park had stayed open longer, we would have rode Space Mt 5 times in a row! We finished up with a mocha at the La Brea Bakery and I bought a sexy new lipstick at Sephora in Downtown Disney. I do love living here!

Can't sleep.

Too hot. It was 105 today. My evening dip in the pool only cooled me off for 10 minutes. UG.

Gary keeps calling me but I don't answer anymore. Something weird happened and I don't want any part of it. I don't want to say much more about it, but it isn't good and I think I will let this go and continue to wait for a real man. One that I can make happy and one that will make me happy in return; less the frigging drama. Life is too short to settle for anyhing less.

Mario is doing well at work and I like bossing him around. LOL.

All the snot has finally left my body. GOOD GOD there was a lot of it. I know I know, TMI. But you know to expect that here.

It is quiet tonight. Not even a cricket.

Wow, I haven't blogged for a whole week!

Can't remember the last time I did that.

Odd week. It started off taking Mario into emergency to get stitches. His story to tell. I was super sick for about 5 days. Work is frustrating me, and the challenges are overwhelming. I am tired. There is something going on with Gary, but I can't talk about it on the blog yet. Not until I know more myself. Living alone in a big house with a pool is a lot of work. Went to "The Reef" for dinner with coworker friends on Wednesday and it was good, had prime rib. Went shopping and took my second mom to lunch yesterday for her belated birthday. Going to get my nails done today and then lay in sun and swim. Going to Disneyland Wednesday night for a Halloween special thing.

That sums it up. LOL!

I will post a much better post later when I am not feeling lame.

Wild Orchid

Ya, the older movie with Mickey Rourke. I watched it this evening. I saw it while scanning the channels and had never seen it. Apparently it was mediocre at best in its time only receiving 2 stars out of 5, however I found it oddly erotic. Few movies do that for me and most I have seen in the last few years have either bored me or given me zero hope in future passion. It certainly made ME want to be seduced by a sexy millionaire in Rio Di Gennaro! What has happened to that kind of sexual passion anyway?

Doing Laundry CrazyDogMama Style

Instead of carrying it all down the stairs, huck it over the railing so you can carry your gimpy dog down the stairs instead. And yes, I always have that much laundry, I have lots of clothes.

Still have a sore throat and a drippy nose but I'm better. I have to admit I really miss Gary. I really, really miss him. Maybe he will forgive me for being a mess. I don't know. I'm kinda down today. Been crying a little. I know, I'm pathetic.

Fear is stupid.

It is not natural. Understandable, but not natural. It is learned behavior. Love, joy, anger, peace, those are natural. Fear is made up; all in your head. It can be overcome. I can overcome it. Being cautious and using common sense is good, but fear will keep you from life. From love. I should have nothing to fear. My life is my own, the future is unknown, but shouldn't be feared. I want to be in the present. Not the past, not the future, but RIGHT NOW. Moments in time can never be brought back. Today, this minute, this thought, this post. I do believe if something is meant to be, it will be. No matter how much you avoid it or go after it, it's longevity will only succeed if it is meant to be. I think we all interfere too much with everything. Let go. I also still believe paths cross for a reason. It changes both people in some way.

I'm feeling better. My second mom came over today and made me homemade chicken soup. Bless her big heart.

I had to take poor Lou to the vet, something was lodged in his paw. His paw is fine now, but he is taking an awfully long time to come out of his stupor from the meds. Breaks my heart to him this way. Been loving on him. Even tried to sing to him but he looked up at me with glossed over eyes that said, "Please, please stop Mama". 

Even my eyeballs hurt.

I'm really sick. And I'm confused. I'm sick, I'm alone, I'm stressed about the work piling up, and the person I was excited about is all of a sudden gone because I am afraid. I know it was probably a bad idea, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. What a mess. Louie is limping too. He won't use his front left paw. I've looked at it but can't find anything wrong and I'm too sick to get him to the vet. Bloody hell.

Dumpsville

Well it sounds like we all agree that it is dumpsville for Gary. Damn. Oh well, gotta wade through the sharks before you find a nice fish I guess. God, I hate drama.

Mario (pictured) took me to dinner last night for the best carne asada I've EVER had! It was his thank you to me for the job. He also told me to run from red flag man. In fact, he was quite emphatic about it, so I will never hear the end of it if I fail to heed the warning.

Oh, and I have the flu. Woke up to a sore throat and 102 fever. I'm dying.

The drawing board.

Yup, I screwed it up. He is upset with me. But if he can't understand my fears and what I've been through, screw him. Back to the drawing board, I guess. Fuck.

Too Perfect

It's official. I'm tweaking. I can't help it. I'm too afraid. He has to be lying about something, it's too perfect. I may have screwed things up.

Table Legs

This scared the holy living crap out of me. Gives a whole new meaning to table legs! Ha! Courtesy of the "Roadhouse Bar and Grill"

What a wonderful world.

I know, you aren't used to hearing that from CrazyDogMama. LOL.  Just having a good time right now, trying not to ruin it by wondering when it will all end. Ma is going back to WA tonight, taking her to the airport soon. Mario gets back from Chicago tonight and I'm one week closer to seeing Gary. It is so cute, both my mom and I are always either on the phone to our men (she is seeing someone too) or fighting over the computer. Gary and I wake each other up a lot since we are 8 hours apart right now, but we don't care and still stumble to the computer to chat anyway. You should have heard me on the phone with Verizon Wireless trying to set up international calling, I was getting frustrated with the clerk and ending up saying "I just wanna frigging call Nigeria - make it so I can do that NOW!" LOL! Love makes you do very silly things, I think. Is it love? Who knows, what's that? Who cares, I love the way this feels, that is all I know.

Back to work tomorrow to the craziness. I had a great 4 days off. I am going to take two weeks off in October when Gary gets here, so I have to get everyone trained and things running smoothly!

What have I been up to?

Up to no good of course! Some pics of my recent outings. Had a BBQ at the house with my mom and Mario (he hates his pic taken). We ate steaks, drank rum and cokes until we passed out in the sun and got sunburnt, went on a date to Laguna Beach and walked along the rocks (I dumped him 4 days later), dinner at a friend's house (Al, my friend pictured in the white head wrap), mom and I walked the marina at Dana Point and I took a pic of our feet; how shocking, no? LOL! and last night I spent the evening at California Adventure riding the Screamin' rollercoaster (right before the launch pictured) which I have now finally ridden at night! Mario and I are doing the full Disneyland resort next weekend because he is in Chicago right now visiting his folks. I am so excited! We will have such a blast!

I am now in a "relationship" with Gary and probably won't date much anymore, just hang out with my new best friend Mario and my other friends. Once Gary moves here in a month, we will see how things progress! I think I may have found someone REALLY special. Today I'm going shopping at IKEA and getting my car fixed.

Africa is calling.

Pictures and writing tomorrow, just getting home from a 14-hour day. OH! Gary is calling me from Africa, gotta go!

I don't know where to begin, or where to end.

I have so much to write, but I wish I could let loose. I wish I was truly anonymous so that I could write my story; especially now. The experiences I'm having from lust to love and everything in between. The confusion, the excitement, the adventure, the danger. Dancing in the ocean waves, riding in a stranger's covertible corvette at sunset, finding a deep connection in friendship and getting letters with words so beautiful they make me cry. My story of pain and loss and almost letting go, to finding freedom and life and the beauty in being myself.

Perhaps I will start a new blog or maybe I'll throw caution to the wind and share it right here. I do not know yet. Tomorrow will bring yet another new experience at 7pm.

Gary

This is Gary. Handsome, huh? I think so. He chilled out and is still my favorite. We had a long talk this morning and I am feeling much better about everything. I'm still in awe that he thinks I'm so beautiful after I sent him a bunch of pics of my chubby little body. He said he can't wait to get here. He will be here in about 5 weeks after he finishes his contract. He says he is coming here TO STAY. He said he is not going back to Texas. OMG!