Food, My Friend

Food. An easy substance for all of us to abuse. It is much easier (easier, not easy) to quit smoking than eat healthy all the time because all you have to do is not pick up a cigarette again. You have to deal with food all day, every day. You can't ignore it.

If my trainer (K) had his way, I would be eating 4 meals a day, all before 7 pm, all protein with good carbs like veges and brown rice. It doesn't happen. At least not 100% of the time. What I do is give it my best shot. I make sure I eat protein with every meal (chicken, eggs, beef tenderloin, turkey, whey, shrimp), try to have a big portion of veges at least once (better twice) of asparagus, cauliflower, peppers, onions, spinach, brussel sprouts, and a smaller portion of some carb. I don't always pick the best carbs, but I don't eat much bread or pasta these days and I lay off the sugar as much as I can. I drink pretty much only water, tea, black coffee and nonfat milk in small portions. K says more important than anything is portion control. Today I had oatmeal with protein powder (whey) for breakfast, a small black bean burrito with salsa for lunch, and I split a big helping of beef fajitas into two meals for supper and dinner. Pretty good day. Then I made cookies. OOPS. Crap. But really, it is WAY better than I used to do, which was eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I didn't care. I didn't care what it did to me; I didn't even care if it killed me. But I have to care. Things changed big time for me, though, and I stopped not caring whether I lived or died. I have a purpose; things do happen for a reason, and life is not to be wasted. I don't make eating complicated; I just follow what I said above the best I can. I don't count calories; I don't eat or drink "diet" anything and I don't eat things I don't like. End of story.

Pre-back surgery dinner!

Spicy shrimp linguini pomodoro with basil and a garlic bread stick!  Yum!  Figured I would eat something good (BAD!) before having to deal with hospital food tomorrow.  Yup, back surgery tomorrow afternoon, yikes.  Can't wait to get this over with and get back to boxing with my favorite retired UFC fighter!  :-)

The Graduate!

My stepson graduated from AMDA in Hollywood, CA this weekend and I couldn't be prouder!  He is so grown up.  With all of his family visiting from different states, he still wanted to ride with me all day to the various celebrations/events.  It made me feel so special. :-)  Next weekend he is taking me to some play based on the Exorcist, LOL!  We bond over our mutual love of all thing's horror!

I never thought I could be so happy.

I am dealing with some pretty heavy stuff that normally would tip me right over the edge, but I feel incredibly blessed.  My life has taken many hard turns over the years and lessons-a-plenty I have learned.  All those things that happened that I thought were bad, though, turned out to be blessings in disguise and fatefully took me to the place I'm at now.  I wouldn't do anything different.  I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had gone down a different road.

My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness almost a year ago, and I am laid up with a herniated disc in my back that is excruciatingly painful, but because of these things, an incredible bond and friendship with my mom has developed that is deeper and more loving than I could have ever imagined!  I have been forced to stay at home and learn what is important in life, and well, I have had to deal with myself!  You can't run from your thoughts when you are down for the count. These are precious days.

Since I moved to California 3 years ago, I have had the time of my life!  I live in a beautiful paid-for house with a pool, I've become even closer with my step son and have watched him grow up and get through college (he is graduating next weekend!), I get to go to Disneyland all the time, I've started traveling more, I make a ton a money and don't even really have to work anymore if I don't want to, I have a great job that lets me work from home to take care of my mom, I've met some incredible people who have turned into irreplaceable friends, I found a hobby I love (boxing) with the best trainer EVER (Krzysztof), I gained a second mom in my mom's best friend Cathy (my Godmother), and last February I met a really great (and hot!) guy with a huge heart (Dale) that I love spending time with, just when I was convinced there were no decent single guys left on the earth!  I know that even when my mom passes and I become the last standing in my family, I will have an awesome non-blood family that I adore and that I know will be there for me.  I also get to see my best friend in the whole world all the time even though she lives in Seattle because we make sure to talk every day and visit each other as often as possible.

So, even with the challenges ahead of me, I am truly grateful for my life.  I never knew happiness the way I know it now; I have peace and love in my life, and I give all the thanks to God who told me everything was going to work out, I just never really believed Him.

My Epidural Steroid Injection

OK, epidural over with. If anyone tells you it is no big deal to get an epi injection for a bulging herniated disc is LYING! First of all, they put you on this ironing board (narrow) bed thing with your butt sticking up in the air, then they give you "light" sedation which doesn't do diddly squat, then they stick you in the back/butt/hip 3 times for local anesthetic which KILLS, then BOOM they cram this huge, long needle into your lower back and send you through the freaking roof!! I screamed into my pillow and bit down on my own hand to keep from punching everyone in the room. OMG it felt like the nerve in my left leg was going to explode! OUCH! Then, while writhing around in the recovery room moaning, the pain finally started to subside. The nurse said my blood pressure and heart rate were dangerously high from the pain, but the fact that I had that much of a pain reaction was a "good thing" because it means the doctor nailed the right area and my chance for success was much higher. I hope she is right, cuz I ain't doin' that again. The pain is supposed to slowly go away over the next week and the full effect of the injection should take place on the 6th or 7th day. I go back to physical therapy on Friday and if it holds, I will be back to normal in 2 to 3 weeks. Finger and toes crossed and prayers-a-plenty! Back surgery, if needed, would have a 6 week recovery and I would go crazy, so I don't want that. K is excited for me to come back and we will work up VERY slowly, concentrating on strengthening my core. I didn't gain any weight back on my hiatus, I actually lost 12 pounds, so that won't be an issue thank the LORD.

I feel pretty good tonight, my back feels "stronger", meaning I can stand up straight. Previously I would have to hunch over and then sit back down after a few minutes from my back muscles giving out. I have to take it very easy the next few days, so blah, but I'm SOOOO glad that is over with and seems to be working so far.

Dismal MRI Results. Arg.

So last Wednesday I FINALLY got the MRI, albeit an "open" MRI so that I stopped having panic attacks.  I have an appointment to see a specialist tomorrow morning and my doctor STILL hasn't returned any of my phone calls asking for the results. I called maybe 20 times. I think the receptionist wants to kick me in my female parts. I have to go in tomorrow with XRAY and MRI stuff in my hands, so I had also called the diagnostic place and put in an order for the CDs. Because my doc didn't call with a summary and tell me what is wrong with me in ENGLISH, I had to read the report myself. Yeah, so it says "Blah blah blah, bulging blah blah severe, blah blah L4, L5 and S1 with mild to moderate blah. I *think* I have deciphered it to mean I have a herniated disc or two with some arthritis. Not good, the report was scary.  So, I will have to find out the details tomorrow.  I think everyone has it out for me to just continue to be in massive pain.  Good times.

Iced Coffee is my Life

There is a blogger out there who UNDERSTANDS. I love coffee; all kinds of coffee but iced is by FAR my favorite and the one kind I cannot live without. Here is a post that describes how to make the perfect iced coffee at home, and I know now that my life is complete. I will cold brew espresso of course, but I'm sure everyone has their preferences. It is a lot of work, but sooooo worth it. I could not handle a commute to work without it.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/06/perfect-iced-coffee/

Stupid MRI Tubes

I almost did not have an MRI today. Um, that little, tiny LONG tube that they put you in headfirst on your back? Yeah, NO F'ing WAY! I tried to be tough and brave, I really did. I actually got all the way inside that thing before freaking out. I pep-talked myself that I could do this. I couldn't. My shoulders are too wide to fit in the MRI tube, so they made me raise my arms over my head. Once inside, my shoulders were pressing against the sides of the tube, and also against my ears, the top of the tube was TOUCHING MY NOSE, and my hips were squished against the sides too. I totally and completely panicked and yelled to be taken out. I was sweating and hyperventilating. Right now, just typing this, my heart is racing, and I have that punch in the pit of the stomach feeling. I apologized profusely to the tech, but I'm sorry, that was ridiculously crazy! He was really nice and said most people can't do it and that it was totally fine. He gave me two other options (THANK GOD) of sedation or what they call an "open" MRI. I said no to sedation, what if I woke up? NOPE. So, I went with the open MRI. MUCH BETTER. They had to send me to another facility, but I'm so glad it worked out. The open MRI is like a giant hamburger bun, with the sides open. I was cool with that and actually fell asleep. Whew!! I'm going to have nightmares about that other one.

Now it's hurry up and wait. Do I have a herniated disc or what? I want to know NOW! I want it FIXED! Krzysztof says I will be back at training soon, but I'm so scared they will tell me I shouldn't train.  This whole disability thing doesn't work for me. I will find a way damnit!

Amen Brother, Amen

I really like my doctor. After 4 denials, she called my insurance company today and kicked butt. She smiled when she handed me the approval number for my MRI. She took my hand and said, "We are gonna get you better". Apparently, I've lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks because I am in too much pain to eat. I called her office this morning in tears. I'm not a big cryer. Her nurse told me to be there in an hour. I came in hunched over with big puffy, red eyes. I didn't comb my hair or put makeup on. Too much effort. I got ZERO sleep last night from the blinding pain shooting up and down my leg, up through my back into my eyeballs and back down to my calves. I wanted to scream but it came out in short little bursts of pitiful grunts. Got more steroids and pain killers shot into my butt today, but I am pain-free this evening (relief!) and my MRI is scheduled for Wednesday morning, and I have an appointment with a spine specialist. Lots of happier people in my life now, especially K who put his sledgehammer back in his trunk, and I am dwelling on his last text "Now it's time to pray for best-case scenario results". Amen brother, amen.

My Sentiment Today

Spending Spree

Before I found out about the gazillion dollars I owe the IRS, I did a little shopping. I found these cool jeans and really pretty comforter at midnightvelvet.com, and I got new frames for my glasses. So now I look cool and sleep cozy while the US government gets to retire on my very painful payment. Because of the short sale on my home in Washington last year I was punched right in the gut. Thank God I knew it was coming and was prepared, it could have been heart-attack inducing! I'm not kidding. I could have paid cash outright for a new car with what I had to pay them! Arrrrrg.

Invasive Fish

So, I ran across this really interesting little webpage called Invasive Fish. Well, I didn't really "run across" it, I met the author. (A story for another time.) You should check it out for yourself, interesting stuff.  Fun pictures! You should visit. Go! Go now!

Now, some of you know that I like to fish, and that I have very fond memories of fishing with my dad. I was dragged all over as a kid camping, fishing, hiking, stuff like that, and because I was an only child, I paid attention, learned quickly and kept to myself. This gave me the edge. I remember all the old men on the docks were so impressed with how quiet and well behaved I was (not anything like I am now) and they would all clap or congratulate me when I made a good catch. I would get so excited watching the fish flop around. Other kids would get bored and cast out, reel in, cast out, reel in, and drive everyone crazy. I would just sit there patiently listening to my Walkman, finger on my line so that I could feel any little nibble. I gnawed on my beef jerky and would steal marshmallows from my dad's tackle box. Good times.  I haven't fished since my dad passed away in 2007, but I have reason to get my pole wet again now, so perhaps my dad will go with me in spirit.

Physical Therapy, a Walking Stick and Shots in the Butt

So I really jacked up my back good. Having a rough time getting better. It had been 6 days without getting better, so physical therapy was the next step. I've had back injuries before, but never has recovery taken this long with so much effort. Icing, heat, drugs, stretching, praying. I guess it's the getting old thang. Or maybe I'm stubborn and can't break from sitting too long at the keyboard with the pressure bearing down on my lower back. Either way my patience is running thin. K is in constant contact with me checking up on my progress. I told him I was worried it was taking me too many steps backwards and I'm scared of regressing. I told him I don't like being idle and that I missed training terribly. This was his reply, "Everything happens for a reason. It was a sign that your body needed some rest and was being pushed too hard. This rest will be good for you. Don't stress about it. We will get back at it soon and will go light and slowly push." You can tell by his response that he feels responsible for pushing me hard, even though I've told him that isn't so.

I'm trying to keep my mind occupied with writing, reading and talking/spending time with the newest addition to my life, which is good. I'm learning some things about myself. Work has been a little overwhelming lately, but I did complete a huge project which is a load off. I was able to relax tonight for the first time in a while enjoying some of the simpler things in life.

Got two shots in the butt a week ago, and two more today (ouch!), got x-rays taken and went to my first physical therapy session on Monday. PT went really well, I feel better already, but I am learning all new ways to move/walk and get up from sitting and prone positions. It's odd and will take some getting used to. The last 7 months of training has produced several large "knots" in my lumbar spine that are impinging on several different nerves, causing extreme pain. My PT doesn't suspect any disc damage (x-rays will verify that) but it will take 6 to 8 weeks of PT 3 times a week before I am fully healed. UG. I will most likely be back at training in a week or so but will be starting off slower and there will be more stretching before and after. I still get to hit and kick things, but with some caution. This injury will NOT WIN. It turns out several guys from my old gym are regulars at the PT facility, go figure! We all beat up our bodies, apparently, and get lazy in our movements. I use my lower back muscles WAY too much for everything, so now I will be using more of my abdominal muscles. Good times. I have MAJOR cabin fever so I'm going back to work to tomorrow, my first day without pain killers.  I have a walking stick just in case I feel myself losing balance.  We'll see how it goes.

I have a secret.

Me the other day contemplating all my new possibilities. Life is on the exciting side right now! Sporting my Ray Ban's here with my grandma's diamond necklace that I love so much.

Injured, Sick, Loopy, but Suddenly Pretty Damn Happy!

Last Saturday I came down with a chest cold, but decided to go to training anyway on Sunday because I didn't want to cancel on K at the last minute when he was driving all the way down from Torrance to train me at Reign in Lake Forest. I was doing pretty well despite feeling crappy, sweating the toxins out.  He was taking it pretty easy on me, and I was glad I decided to go. The last 15 minutes of the session, he had me doing "get ups"; an exercise where I wear a 50-pound vest thingee and fall on the ground and get back up again. Weird, I know, but getting knocked down and having to get back up is all part of boxing, go figure!  On one of my get-ups, I twisted JUST the wrong way and BOOM, I went down like a rag doll. Twinge in the back. OK, no problem, just sit for a minute and try again. Nope, not happening. Mega pain. Back was toast. Couldn't get up. K panicked when he saw the way I went down (he could tell it wasn't good) and came running. He had to help me up and he stretched me out for about 20 minutes. It helped a little, enough to get me to the car, but sharp pains were shooting all over my body from my lower back. CRAP. I can't even say I was doing some awesome high twist kick or something cool like that, NO, I hurt my back getting up off the fucking floor. Awesome.

I had to drive to Hollywood later that eve to go to one of my (step) son's performances, and I think the drive to/from did some more damage to my back. When I got home, I tried Aleve, stretching and some ice, but when I tried to get up off the floor from all that, I could NOT GET UP! I mean seriously I couldn't! I started to have a panic attack and cried briefly in fear. It is a helpless, awful feeling!!  Mags was upset and was whining and trying to lick my face. After much trying in excruciating pain, I made it up onto the recliner (thank you push-up practice!)  I crawled up the stairs (literally) to bed. The next morning, I could not stand up straight without holding on to something! It took me FOREVER to get the bathroom, I almost peed myself! Soooo not good. Called the doctor immediately when I coughed big and fell down. The doctor prescribed some pretty heavy-duty stuff. Percocet (pain killer), Flexeril (muscle relaxer), Prednisone (steroid) and Naproxen (high powered anti-inflammatory). I also got two shots in the ass (a pain killer and steroid) right in the office. Shots in the ass really freakin' hurt, btw! Apparently, I am all kinds of fucked up. Ack! Well, it was bound to happen with all this crazy training I do with UFC guys, so I have to suck it up. K has had like, 27 surgeries and knows my plight all too well. Comes with the territory, especially being 41, overweight and somewhat new at this. I won't be driving (cuz of meds) and probably can't train for 2 weeks. NOOOO! So upset. The next few days sucked. My chest cold developed into Bronchitis and work is out of control busy, and since I am having to work from home all loopy it is quite the challenge.

Here is the cool part.  I met someone recently who has inspired me to start writing again. I used to write a lot on my website/blog, but I have been stagnant for quite a while because I had no muse. I suddenly have a muse. It's true I haven't posted much lately, but I have some writing in the works and am trying to decide whether to post it here, start something completely new or maybe submit it elsewhere. Hmm, decisions, decisions. Maybe all of the above! I wonder what my writing is like whilst (whilst!) I am partaking of a narcotic cocktail of pain killers and muscle relaxers. How am I doing so far?

Suddenly I'm so happy! I have a big smile on my face! Pain ain't gonna take ME down! Weeeeeee!  Yup, my life has taken some new turns lately and although some things seem rather dreary, it is turning out to be intriguing, motivating and I kind of have a fluttery feeling all over.  ;-)  Some other things in my life seem to be fading away, but there are new corners I'm turning, with interesting things appearing in front of me. I am excited to see where all these new things will lead.

Life, here I am! The good, the bad and the ugly, it's all good!

The moment you wonder why you thought having a dog was a good idea.

OK, I have to tell you all about my lovely morning. So I had to get up at 7 am (and you all know I don't start functioning until around noon, right?) to take Maggie into the groomer, and then drop my truck off at the mechanic. I put Mags in the back seat, like always. Everything seemed fine and normal. She ran back and forth from each end of the back seat pawing the windows, whining and jumping all over. Then I got to the groomer's and when I opened the back door to let Mags out, I almost threw up. She had had a diarrhea accident, and it was EVERYWHERE. Freaking EVERYWHERE. All over the seats, the windows, the doors, the seatbelts, her, her leash, everything. Then she jumped into my arms. Yeah. Not good. I had to clean it all up quickly, too, because my next stop was the mechanic. Thank the Lord God in Heaven for Clorox wipes. Gah.

They make me feel good about myself.

I know y'all (all 3 of you) are probably sick by now of my training posts, but this is a big thing for me right now so ya gotta deal, OK?  OK.  :-)

So yesterday at training a couple of things. First, as I was walking in, this huge, ripped fighter guy was walking out and said "Dang girl, you are here more than I am!!" I laughed cuz it's true, I live there. Then, one of the other trainers gave me a "fist bump" as I was walking by and said "Good luck today!" I thought he was just basically saying have a good training session, but I found out later it was more than that.

It was an exceptionally difficult session. One of the things K had me do was pull a weight rack towards me from all the way across the gym with a big, long, thick rope tied to it, like hauling in a catch, then I had to push it to back into place and do it again. We also did "sledgehammers", which is slamming down a heavy-ass sledgehammer onto a big monster tire. Apparently, K carries his sledgehammer around in his car everywhere he goes. About halfway through I was just DRENCHED in sweat, makeup all over everywhere, and breathing heavy. My face was purple. K told me to sit for a minute and recoup and he brought me my water bottle. He came and sat down next to me coaching me on my recovery breathing and said this:

K: "I want to tell you something."
Me: "Ooh nooo, what? Am I doing it wrong?"
K: (laughing) "No. A few of my other MALE clients could not finish this same workout today. You've already gone farther in. They quit. I wanted you to know that."
Me: "Whaa? Are you kidding?"
K: "No. When Arnie, my boss, (the guy who fist bumped you earlier) saw my training plan for you today he said, Holy shit Krzysztof, isn't that a little aggressive for her? I told him no, she'll do it, watch her."
Me: (I just sat there blinking at him, I had no words.)
K: (smiling) "I was right."

They must all do it on purpose to motivate, but these guys make me feel so good about myself. God bless them!

My Road

I walk my own road. I always have. Sometimes I run down it, sometimes I am dragged down it and I sometimes even crawl down it, but it is MY road alone. Sometimes people try to get on it with me, but they (so far) just get plucked off, kicked off, jump off or fall off.

I interned for King County Police in Seattle when I was in college, and I became very good friends with the chief of homicide; he kind of treated me like a daughter and took me under his wing. (That was the dept. I wanted to work in once upon a time.) I remember distinctly on my last day, he handed me an envelope with a letter in it. Something he said in it really touched me and has stayed with me. He wrote "Cheryl, you are a very unique woman on her own road. You have a destiny ahead of you that will challenge you, but always remember that it takes both strength AND heart to make that journey. I believe you will go far. It has been an incredible pleasure getting to know you. Good luck to you in the Academy! Keep your sharp wit and stay out of those pool halls!" (Haha on the last part, I played a lot of pool back then.) What brought this up you ask? Well, K had me doing push-kicks tonight (those are when you push your opponent backwards away from you by bringing up your knee to your chest and thrusting your foot out to their chest) and for some reason every time I did one, I heard in my head "GET OFF MY ROAD!!", which made the kicks more forceful. You see, the voices in my head try to help out during training, LOL! So, it brought this memory up for me.

My Trainer in the Movies

So most of you know that my trainer "K", former UFC superstar Krzysztof Soszynski, is now an actor as well. He was in "Here Comes the Boom" with Kevin James, playing "Ken Dietrich", and his newest movie "Tapped" will be out this fall where he landed a major role as the bad guy. I also just found out that he will be in two HORROR movies, with production beginning soon. One is called "Severed Connections" and the other (and I quote) is "Blah, blah, something in the woods" which will be shot in Texas. LOL! One of these days I'm gonna ask him to get me a part in one of these horror movies as an extra. :-)  I need to be a zombie!

An update for those of you who aren't on my Facebook.

Making new friends at the UFC Gym, and I'm putting in effort to get out of my comfort zone. I am outgoing and friendly (or try to be) but I have this habit of not trusting anyone (especially women which might surprise some of you), or, I get set in my routine and don't waver from it. My friend wanted me to come down to San Diego to hit the casino with him and some of his friends and family, but I had training that night and so I declined. Stupid. Should have gone. Would have been fun. I *CAN* reschedule training and still get my 4 nights in a week with K. I also got invited to go back to Austin, Texas again in June, but it conflicts with vacation time one of my direct reports has scheduled so I declined because I figured I would get told NO due to having too many peeps in my department gone at once. I should at least ASK first before assuming. I will do that on Monday. One of the people going said, "But you HAVE to go! It won't be as fun without you!" How sweet is that? I think some out-of-town trips would be really, really good for me. For Pete's sake I still haven't been to VEGAS! Plus, I want to keep getting asked to do stuff, so I need to say yes more often. I'm not getting any younger that's for sure, and a single, financially stable woman should be groovin' all the time before the world goes to hell in a hand basket. I just booked a flight for a quick trip to see my BFF in mid-April, so I just gotta keep up the good work!

I read a lot and recently read the "The 18 Rules of Happiness". I was surprised to learn that I practice most of them and that is probably why I'm so happy of late, but if I work on those last ones, imagine the extra bliss! Rule #3 is "Say yes more". It starts with a quote, "I will say yes to every favor, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no." - Danny Wallace. The only time I can feel good about saying no is when I already have plans! BUT I will take a raincheck!!

Tonight, K started me with Tabata sprints, then the big rope-pull, then slams, then sledgehammers, then crunches and leg raises, then sidekicks, then front foot pushes, then a whole bunch of skipping rope. He always saves the best for last. As I was leaving, he added this, "I am teaching Muay Thai and kickboxing on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Pick two and come. I want you sparring with my guys." Apparently 4 nights a week isn't enough.

I am a beefaholic. A vegan's worst nightmare. You'd think my cholesterol would be through the roof, but it's actually gone from 302 down to 200 in 6 months. Tonight, I made Filet Mignon (seared in a cast iron skillet), steamed asparagus and quinoa rice pasta (linguini cut) sprinkled with a little parmesan, garlic, red pepper flakes and olive oil. YUMM! K doesn't want me eating wheat or flour, so rice pasta gives me the pasta choice.

Something I read today that made me think, "There is no up without down, no strength without weakness, no light without dark. One cannot understand or feel true joy without first experiencing pain and sadness." Hmm, so true. The balance of life. God knows what he is doing.

I made it through training tonight with plenty of energy, but I got my butt kicked big time. Back is hurting from high twist kicks and kettle bell swings. (40lb full-body kettle bell swings are HARD!) He also made me do planks in between sets. My elbows/forearms were sliding to the sides during planks because there was a waterfall pouring off of my face onto the matt. This makes things extra difficult, it feels like I'm on a slip-n-slide. There are about 100 cardio machines in 3 long rows (treadmills, ellipticals, rowers, etc.), all facing the same direction at the UFC gym. Guess who was getting trained and paraded right in front of their line of site? Yup. I swear K does this on purpose. I have to concentrate really hard to block my audience out.