I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I struggle with the will to live. It seems like the bad outweighs the good so often that it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I know this is depressing and not what anyone ever wants to hear or read. Life is truly disappointing to me. I've worked so hard to do what I'm supposed to do; to try and the see the good in everything and everyone; to do the right things; to keep going no matter what; to fight for what I believe in. I always get beat down. How many times do you keep getting up? Is it worth it? I keep thinking about the scene in "The Pursuit of Happyness" where Will Smith's character is sitting in the subway bathroom with his son, crying. I feel like that most of the time. It isn't God's fault, it isn't bad luck, it isn't that I have been lazy or unkind. It is just life. That movie, which was based on a true story, has a happy ending. Do I have a happy ending? I keep thinking to myself; what if surgery doesn't get rid of my cancer? How will I live out my days? What will I be able to say about my life? That I failed miserably at everything? And then I think, what if surgery does get rid of the cancer like it is supposed to? How will I live out my days? How will I change my life to be more appreciative of it? I know you are supposed to press on; to keep moving forward. But I have to tell you, that is very, very hard sometimes.

Too Much Rain

The pool is overflowing. NEAT. It wont stop raining.

Party Girl?

I'm so not 25 anymore. The party is just getting going and I'm ready for freaking bed. Sad. I looked pretty good at the beginning now I'm wet from the rain with mascara running down my face and some chick just grabbed my ass. Yup. God help me.

Another one bites the dust.

Well, his true colors came out and I am done. So disappointing but it is what it is. My friend Mario invited me to a party tonight and I'm going to get my mind off of things. I could use a few drinks.

Searching

Guess who cranked out Christmas shopping in 2 days? YEAH, ME. HA! Everything else? Don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what to do when I get there. My mom said something rather profound the other day. She said I was "searching" and she patted her heart. I asked her what she meant. She said I have been "searching" for a long, long time and haven't found what I'm looking for yet. I asked her to clue me in to what I am looking for since I don't have the foggiest. She doesn't know, but she doesn't think it has anything to do with a man. She thinks I am searching for what I was meant for in this life. Apparently, I am restless and unsatisfied. She is right. I am very restless, and thing are never quite right.

Crazydogmama no like drama!

I am confused, upset and extremely stressed out. I'm working nights right now at work because there is so much to do and I can't even concentrate. I don't know what's going on with Paul and I, he is upset, he upset me, and I have no idea what to do. I can't take the drama right now. Christmas is even stressing me out. I have not decorated, shopped or anything. FUCK.

Boys are stupid.

I always thought girls were the ones who went too fast with their emotions. My first thought was that I have somehow fucked up a fairytale, but I have cleared my head, remained calm, and I am not sure it is me. Maybe someone out there can shed some light. I really need some help. Some unbiased advice.

Everything was going great. Perfect. Better than perfect. I was enjoying every minute. We had an absolute amazing day yesterday. Then, all in the course of a few minutes, he cranked up the volume and I am still not quite sure what happened or how it started. To make a long story short, he is ready for this mega serious relationship and I'm like "huh?". Call me crazy, but dating for a month does not a stable relationship make. I want commitment, I want to fall in love, I want a serious relationship, but I need some time to make the assessment that I've found the right person first. He is correct in that we aren't getting any younger, but Holy God gimme a break. I really, really like him. I probably just lost him because he got seriously emotional, and I was as cold as a stone. What does that mean?

I went from crawling guy to sprinting guy. WTF? Where is the happy medium? I really like this guy and I don't know what to do. I am just not willing to rush into anything, and the one thing I know about myself is NO ONE can force me into anything anymore. Am I being too fearful because of my past, or am I being sensible? Is it reasonable to think that if he really cares for me that he will understand and chill out, or am I making the mistake of a lifetime in saying I need more time and need to take it a little slow (but not too slow)?

To Blog or Not to Blog

I have been going back and forth with myself about blogging. Some days I just want to disappear and never come back, but then something brings me back. My life seems more private to me now on some level and I just don't want certain things public, but yet I have the need to write. I can't believe some of you who have been coming here for years, it is such a compliment that I don't want to let you down even though I have a hard time believing any of this shit is interesting to you.

I had my biopsy. OUCH. Won't know results for a couple weeks. Seeing Paul tomorrow. Yay! I told him to run away far from the likes of me, but he won't listen. He took me to a fancy Japanese place for dinner and as I was eating my sushi appetizer, I was talking, and I thought I was preparing a bite of salad to put in my mouth but instead I shoveled in a huge glob of WASABI. I choked until tears were running down my cheeks. He can't say he wasn't warned. LOL!

Got Some Flowers

He was waiting by the curb when I arrived to escort me inside. This is the bouquet he gave to me. Perhaps I will write about my weekend another time, I am exhausted.

Many Random Things

1. A girl I work with got a boob-job, and she came back to work today. One of our coworkers (another girl thank God) waltzed right up to her remarking about it, and starting FONDLING her new boobs. I'm so not kidding. After I realized that what I was seeing was actually real, I snorted coffee through my nose and busted into laughter for about 30 minutes.

2. Maggie has had diarrhea ALL DAY and my mom has been complaining about the cleanup for an hour now. I guess I don't blame her. GROSS. I just bought a gallon of Nature's Miracle because the dogs are WAY out of control lately. Don't know what to do.

3. I can't keep food down. Don't know WTF that is about.

4. I am NOT looking forward to all my fricking doctor's appointments tomorrow. I'm getting an ultrasound in the morning and a boob-mashing at noon. (Mammogram). Fun. :-/

5. Working 12 hour shifts is killing me and Paul read me the riot act tonight about it. This is actually an interesting story, so that is what I'll focus on. That, and I like to talk about Paul. If you haven't noticed. I'm killing the "DATING BUZZ:" because it's lame and there is only Paul, so it is not necessary. I never claimed to be cool. Oh, I finally got around to breaking it off with David. It was harder than I thought; I'm not good at that sort of thing. I felt bad.

Anyway, Paul said my voice sounded funny tonight. I told him I was just burnt out. Being that he knows quite a bit about me after talking for 1 to 2 hours a night, every night, for over two weeks now, he decided I need to take a leave of absence for medical reasons for about a month so that I can concentrate on sleeping and getting better. He is apparently really concerned about me. This is what he said:

Paul: "I really want you to get well. What about US? If something happens to you, WHAT WOULD I DO? I mean it! I've spent my whole life looking for you. WHAT WOULD I DO?"

WHOA. I did not know how to respond to that.

Me: "Uh, I don't know what to say."

Paul: "Say you will look into a medical leave of absence so I can sleep at night."

Holy crap.

First Turkey Day in Cali

What a weekend! Thanksgiving was nice, lots of food and fun. There was piano playing, singing, laughing, and me sneaking out to talk on the phone (and getting yelled at for it). LOL! No one but the boys would let me post pics. Spoiled sports. Went to D-Land all day on Friday, and I mean ALL DAY. I about DIED. 12 freaking hours. I could not move on Saturday. I was limping. Sunday, I had a migraine. Back to the salt mines today. Getting an ultrasound on Friday, a biopsy the following Thursday and then surgery based on the results.

Dating Update: I think I have finally met a great guy. Things are going REALLY well with Paul. He finishes recording on Friday, so we will be spending the weekend together. I am supposed to go up to his place to help decorate the tree, have dinner and meet his dad. I am terrified. I think I am going to be a bit of a fish out of water up in that area. (Sherman Oaks). Hopefully I won't run into the Olsen twins. HA.

'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

Just got back from a midnight showing of Paranormal Activity 2. The boys (my step son and his friend) came to spend the holiday weekend with me and they dragged me out past my bedtime. Great flick! Tomorrow we are feasting at my second mom's house and then heading to D-land on Friday. And I refuse to think about the biopsy I have next week.

Dating Update: Paul is so great. We talk EVERY day, sometimes more than once, and every day I like him more. It is frightening how much we have in common, and the circumstances surrounding how we met is equally as eerie. It is seriously like the universe is throwing us together, no joke. We aren't able to see each other right now (which is frustrating to both of us) because he is in the middle of recording an album, then getting surgery, and I have the boys, getting the biopsy and then probably getting surgery myself (which he knows about). He knows about my issues, I know about his, yet neither of us is running; it is bringing us closer together. For the first time in a LONG time, I feel hopeful and happy despite all my crap. I feel like a schoolgirl. My mom and the boys laughed at me tonight when I jumped three feet in the air to the ringing of my phone and ran to answer it. I really hope he doesn't turn out to be a serial killer or something. LOL.

Off to bed. Happy Turkey Day!

Today was not the best.

After about an hour of being at work, I got a phone call from my doctor. The kind of phone call you never want to get. I will probably be fine, but just in case I'm not, I wouldn't object to a few prayers from strangers. I told my boss and my close coworkers. No one knew what to say and they sent me home to get my head together. Why does the worst shit happen to me right before the holidays? Dad dies, husband leaves, doctor makes me drop the phone.

Dating Update: I hate talking on the phone. HATE IT. I avoid it all costs. Paul and I talked for two hours last night and never once did I want to get off. I am in trouble. In more than one way. I told myself it is WAY too early to feel anything so to snap out it and get a grip. But I like him. Damn it.

A Day Off?

So I asked my boss if I could have Wednesday off and this is how she replies:

"You can have Wednesday off on these conditions, that you do not open any WORK email, answer any WORK phone calls or do any type of WORK."

LOL.

This is what my life has turned into. People knowing that I will work from home on a day I have requested off as a vacation day. I am mentally ill.

Dating Update: Paul (the Drummer) has emailed me at LEAST once a day since we met (long emails) and calls me at least once a day. So far, he is adorable; which makes me nervous. He has also told his father all about me. (I heard his father in the background during one of our calls.) I told him all about having to call the cops on one of my interested parties and how I am now ultra untrusting and paranoid, and so he told me when he sees me that I can copy down the info on his Driver's License and Social Security Card and do a background check on him.

Buzz Cuts and A Dear David

Got the pups a buzz cut because they were so badly matted. They look hilarious! Lou is freezing today so I put a Freddy Krueger sweater on him. LOL. It has been POURING down rain here, you can't really tell from the pic, but we won't need to fill the pool for a while. Sheesh.

In other news, I am compiling a "Dear David" email because he is "doing it wrong" as I explained earlier. Besides, there is someone else who so far, is doing it right. Just got off a great hour-long call with him and I can't keep up with his emails. He is VERY enthusiastic, closer to my age and NO kids. He is somewhat of a celebrity though, a drummer. LORD HAVE MERCY. Stay tuned; things are definitely getting interesting around here.

Dating Life

It sounds like my dating life is great, doesn't it? It is not. Unfortunately, with David, I don't believe I am any kind of a priority to him. I only get to see him every two to three weeks and then, only one day. He devotes ALL of his time to his kids. I don't have a problem with kids, and I am glad he is a great father, but I have to admit, I need to be SOME sort of a priority. You can't get to know someone this way. He is a typical guy in that I have NO IDEA what is going on in his head, either. I play NO games, and I am very close to ending things with him. I deserve better, I think. He has been very sweet, but is less than attentive, and I'm sorry, I'm not some doll you can just sit on a shelf when you are busy with more important things.

Beach Date

Blogger's Block

Well what do I write about? David and I spent all of Sunday together at Huntington Beach walking, talking, watching the surfers and looking through the overpriced crap at the festival. He brought me a rose from his garden and we went to Greek for lunch and Mexican for dinner. A very nice day. He is a nice man.  I don't have any idea where it is going relationship-wise and I am not going to ask, but his kisses are getting more "passionate" so I know where THAT is going. LOL.

I have been very, very tired this week and going to bed early. I came home from work today at one just exhausted. Don't know what's going on with me. That's all I can think of for now.

Another day in the life.

So what happens when you are a workaholic and never leave your desk? Your coworkers get creative on ways to get you out for a birthday lunch. In mid-type, someone pulled my chair from behind and started rolling me down the hallway toward the parking lot. As we rolled past the bathroom I was told "If you have to pee, do it now, oops, too late." LOL! Gotta love them. One of my boys got me a $20 Starbucks card, too. So sweet! I can't believe they did that! The night before, I didn't leave work until midnight, and I got two messages. One was an email from the VP of the site telling me to "GO HOME" and the other was a voicemail from my friend Mario saying verbatim "WTF is going on with you never answering your phone anymore and why are you not at my house yet?"

For dinner, I was taken out to my new fav Italian restaurant (Scarantino's) down the street, and I had Capellini Pomodoro with shrimp, a glass of merlot and tiramisu for dessert. MMMMMMM full tummy.

I'm supposed to go out with David tomorrow. He wanted to drive up to Santa Barbara, but I don't want to be in the car that long, so we decided just to spend the day at the beach or something. As romantic as it sounded, I've been on one-too-many road trips the last few years and I'm just not up to it right now. Plus, I don't know how I feel about anything yet. I'm keeping everyone at a distance at the moment. Kind of like 'You can touch my boob but stay away from my heart.' HAHAHAHA. I think I am holding out for something that will never happen. I'm sure at some point I will give up.

Oh, I uploaded a bunch of pics to my Flickr account and updated my amazon list. Just in case you look at that crap. :-)

39 Candles

Yup. One more year of my thirties. I woke up in a very foul mood, but my birthday did end on a good note. I was on a pity pot, but my new friends and coworkers perked me up then my fam took me out. I am super tired so I will blog later. LOTS to write about. Later.