Getting down to the wire.

Two weeks from today I will be in route to my new home; most likely hopped up on some serious caffeine. I'm still tired and a mess (I went to work today with my shirt on inside out), but things ARE getting done. My neighbor came over tonight to complete some of the "to do" list I gave him. (I paid him of course.) He unclogged the dishwasher, took out my window air conditioner, anchored the new water heater, fixed the wiring to the doorbell, took apart a wall-desk, fixed the bathroom floor vinyl and a whole bunch of other little things. He also put in my new front fence, and it looks GREAT. He is such an awesome friend and neighbor. I don't know what I would have done without him. His ex left him a few years ago (I didn't care for her too much) and when mine left, we became pretty close. Not romantically, just a really great friend to talk to, have a beer with and we have helped each other out a LOT. He had my mom and I over for his famous pressure cooker ribs (Yum!) last night. He has a new girlfriend that I really like, she is perfect for him. She is nice, down to earth and just a sweetheart. I'm so happy for him, he deserves the best. As it turns out, they are going to rent my mom's house here in Seattle! They get very low rent on a huge house, and my mom gets a built-in fix-it guy. Seriously, Denin can do ANYTHING. He even untangled my necklace last night when I was getting frustrated with it! LOL I am going to miss him a lot. People like him are a rare breed. My mom has adopted him into our family. :-) I asked him if I could fly him down to Cali when I had a problem and he said, "Sure!" LOL!

Tomorrow I'm going to dinner with an old boyfriend (he's married now, it's platonic) and Saturday is my stepson's graduation. THAT should be interesting. I'm not sure if my ex is going or not because he told me a while back he was moving to Texas, but if he does, I'm sure he will have his new wife with him. (He got remarried.) Hopefully he is happy now.

So, as you can see, I do not have one spare minute. I got home from work late tonight at 8:30 pm, and am trying to get this stupid packing done. The movers do the big stuff and breakables, but I'm responsible for all the little crap. I'm starting to get excited now as it gets closer and closer. I will have a little over 3 weeks to settle in, get some sun, swim, and go to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm! I'm such a kid. I'm tired of being a grown up right now.

I'm Gonna Ride On

It is three in the morning and of course I cannot sleep. The doctor, therapist and everyone else is telling me that if I don't get some sleep, I am going to collapse. That something terrible will happen to me. Do you know what I said? I said I didn't care. In retrospect that probably wasn't wise, but that's what I said. I have all these wonderful things finally happening in my life and I still don't care if I live or die. Obviously there is something wrong with me, but it beats the shit out of me what to do about it. I guess the "bad stuff" is still lurking around in my head. I still feel like a fool in many ways. I believed things I shouldn't have believed. I haven't lost my faith, but I feel pretty far from God, if that makes any sense. It's my own fault. It might be that when I think something good is finally happening, it goes nuclear on me. Maybe that's it, I don't believe the good is real anymore (at least not sustainable), so I resist getting excited. Hell, how do you fix that?

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know many of the difficult things I've been through the last few years. Take what I've said here, then multiply it by a 100 and that will equal all the crap that I HAVEN'T talked about on the blog. It's amazing I'm not sitting in the corner rocking back and forth drooling into a cup. Yet. LOL!

I'm trying. I really am. Some days just kick the shit out of me. Some people, too.

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna ride on.

Shopping, Dating and the Last Two Weeks in WA

Sixteen more days in Washington. I confirmed my "load and pack" day as the 18th with the movers, then I'm staying with my mom until the leave date of the 24th. It is flying by. I'm slowly getting everything done, but I think I will just make it by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. I did not know the word exhausted until now. I've had 2 jobs before, working 7 days a week, and I still wasn't as tired as I am now. I was fighting to stay awake on the freeway coming home tonight. Hopefully I will LIVE through this.

After the party on Friday night, my mom and I decided to make a shopping day out of Saturday. It was the first sunny day we'd had in weeks and we went to a nice lunch sitting outside, and I bought some cute things for the summer. Sunday I went and got a mani/pedi and went out on a last date with a guy who has been vying for my attention for awhile. He is trying to move to California because his ex-wife is moving there with his kids, but I guess I've turned into stone or something because I just don't feel anything for anyone. Nothing. I have this big wall, no, FORTRESS around me that just pushes people away now. I'm social and I go out, but I won't "engage" as the Navy pilots call it. I think I'm just on my own now. I'm not afraid, I just don't want to. It all seems moot to me now I guess, like it's not worth my time. Perhaps I'll feel differently later, but I don't see it happening any time soon. It's weird, I didn't feel like this a month ago, it is a recent thing. I'm OK with it though.

Party Pics

I love you all so much.

The party was great fun! I can't believe how many people showed up, 30 or more, I lost count. I didn't even know I HAD that many friends! I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years, and everyone overwhelmed me with kindness. My hostesses, Annie and Mick are the best friends a girl could ask for and bless my mom's heart for having it at her house. I'm still working on the pics, I didn't take very good ones, but I will put them up soon.

Par-tay!

My Bon Voyage party is tonight. There will be pics, I am quite sure, that will somehow appear on my blog soon.

Alive and Dead at the Same Time

I have so many bruises I lost count. My leg has a two-inch gash. I am experiencing sleep deprivation, and because of it I started crying uncontrollably at therapy today for no good reason. I have had a new therapist for quite a while, this time a male therapist, and I tell you what, he is AWESOME. He has a very different approach and gives a ton of feedback. He is not one of those useless therapists that just sit there. He is very direct with me, and I LOVE it. The truth. No bullshit. When I started crying and couldn't tell him why he asked me how much sleep I've been getting. I told him 3 to 4 hours a night for about a month now. He said, "Well no wonder!", handed me a Kleenex and told me not to get snot on the couch. LOL!  He cracks me up. I actually started with this new therapist not to "fix me" emotionally, but to help me find direction for my life. It appears to be working. A promotion into management, a big move, and I am actually moving forward and not dwelling on the past. If you live in the past, history will keep repeating itself and I DON'T WANT THAT. I am actually making big decisions and not looking back. Thrusting ahead with a vengeance. Only problem is, it's KILLING ME physically. My poor body. Every second of my day is taken up with something that MUST get done. It will soon slow down (a little), but I seriously can't wait to get the fuck outta here. I used to love Washington but am now just completely tired of it. 32 years here. Long enough. Yes, I am leaving clean air and beautiful trees/mountains/lakes, but I don't care anymore. The beach, the pool and the sun sound pretty damn good right now. I'll deal with the smog, the taxes and the bankrupt state of California for a while and like it! Getting a huge raise and no longer paying two mortgages will put me in a no-stress financial situation. I have NO IDEA what that is like, but I can't WAIT to find out. I might actually GET to Bora Bora, and not have to hock a kidney to do it.

Okay, THERE, I blogged.

What a weekend.

NOT relaxing. At all. But I did get a big chunk of my moving list done. The next week will be full of calls, more packing and sorting, making the house livable for the time being (getting everything out of the kitchen), getting rid of the leftover garage sale stuff and my "Bon Voyage" party is this Friday. My AWESOME friends Annie and Mick are throwing it for me and I am overwhelmed at their suggestion and willingness to do something like this for me. My poor mom will be invaded by all my friends for a night of food, drink, laughing and saying goodbye.

Life is so weird right now. I feel like everything has been turned upside-down for 2 and a half years, but especially the last year. One day I'm fine, one day I fall apart, but I keep going somehow. Going through life's traumatic experiences and being alone teach you all about who you are and what you're made of. Some things you want to see, some things you don't, and sometimes you are totally surprised at what you see. I think I'm on autopilot right now because my brain is on overdrive.

My life has gone in some crazy directions, and I have a feeling there are twists and turns yet to come.

Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend.
-CDM

I need a massage.

STAT. Every inch of my body hurts. I moved EVERYTHING I own into the kitchen and/or garage for the carpet guys and ended up having to take a pain killer because I couldn't stand up straight my back hurt so bad. The place looks fabulous! Of course, it will be looking the best it ever has with everything repaired and working properly just in time for me to MOVE. Pisses me off a little. ;-) I just keep telling myself, I'll be laying in the sun and going for a swim this time next month!

I've hired two people for my team on the new job so far. It is strange being the one who "hires" people. Let's hope I picked the right people!

Can't think of much more to say at the moment so I'll just go to bed. Goodnight.

My Wedding Dress

I can't quite get to sleep and decided to sit at the computer for a quick break. I've been working very hard tonight getting everything off the carpet for tomorrow's installation, and as I was cleaning out my closet I ran across my wedding dress. I chucked it. Right into the garbage. It was a hard thing to do, but it is part of moving on. It has been awhile now, but things like that are hard. But I didn't hesitate, I just did it. I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it, it is obviously bad luck. Ha.

It will be good to get out of this town.

I have a case of "feel sorry for myself" today. I shouldn't, but I do. The blues. I'm trying not to go there, but sometimes I can't help it. It comes and goes and I try to contain it, but it's claws get a hold of me occasionally. The carpet is going in tomorrow and I have so much to do. My body hurts and I am tired. So, so tired. I always get stuck with all the work. More than I can handle by myself. I have hurt for so long I don't know how to feel good. I'm trying though.

Finishing Up.

Perhaps someday you will tell me. I'd honestly really like to know.

Got a four-day weekend here to finish up the garage sale and get the carpet in (hopefully). Moving day is getting closer and closer. I have no food in the house and I'm seriously hungry, so job one is going to get something to eat.

WHY

Why do you read my blog everyday Coin? I've been asking myself that question for over two years now and cannot for the life of me come up with a good answer. It made sense in the beginning with the mistaken identity thing and trying to get info, but it seriously doesn't make sense now. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that you are a devoted reader, in fact it's flattering, but what is a happily married man wasting his time on my blog every day for? I'm not that interesting. I could get my mind around checking in once in a while for curiosity's sake, but almost EVERY DAY FOR OVER TWO YEARS, WHY?

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?

You're killing me here! Even my therapist agrees there is something to it, and he is a male therapist. Enlighten me.

Getting rid of so much stuff.

All that's left! My dining room table posing as my desk, my sad little mattress, old office with crap on the floor and my lonely TV.

Who was driving the Mac Truck?

I was falling asleep at my desk yesterday, and when I got home I crashed hard. I did not wake up until the next morning (that's why no blogging yesterday). Today, I feel like a Mac truck has hit me. Every single muscle in my body hurts from all the lifting. I seriously feel 80 years old.

I won an award this morning from my department as being "the most helpful, friendly and dedicated employee". I almost cried. It is going to be hard to leave such a great group of people who actually like me. Speaking of work, I guess I better go do some.

Selling all my stuff.

Wow. I was feeling so sad and lost about selling most of my stuff, but as the garage became more and more empty, the more freedom I felt. Amazing. Life never ceases to amaze me. I made a ton of money too! Going to have another sale next weekend to shed the rest and then the new carpet will go in. I gave money to my neighbor today to fix the fence and do some minor repairs on the house, and then all the major stuff is done! I'm hiring a maid to scrub the house before I go, and the movers will pack my stuff. The rest is cake.

The very last episode of LOST is on tonight, I'm going to miss it so much! They'd better answer all my questions! No more LOST. How ironic.

Until tomorrow my peeps.

Garage Sale

Quick update, garage sale is going GREAT!! I am making WAY more money than I thought I would! Woohoo!!!

Finally, a Productive Day!

So I got my ass in gear Thursday. I took the day off work because the dogs had to get their teeth cleaned and the carpet guy came out to give me an estimate. So, took dogs to vet, got Windows 7 at Staples, went to the post office and bank, got a coffee, got garage sale signs, called "Geek Pros" to fix my computer (internet went down and I kept getting too many error messages), weeded through the house for all the sale items and put them in the garage, did the laundry, made myself dinner and crashed. Tonight I am pricing everything and rearranging the garage. I am DAMN tired and all sweaty. My neighbor came over and helped me move the big furniture out THANK GOD. My back hates me now, though, and I will be very sore tomorrow.

The house looks weird. There's hardly anything in it. I have my laptop on my dining room table because all there is in my office is books, DVDs and craft supplies (all on the floor). In my front room all I have is a small chair in front of my electric fireplace and TV. Nothing on the walls. By tomorrow, my bedroom will only have a mattress on the floor (because the mattress is new) and clothes stacked against the wall. I feel like a poor college student. LOL.

So there you have it. Progress. I even changed all the burnt-out lightbulbs, which I ever so gracefully dropped. They shattered all over the frigging place and I was screaming at the dogs to get away, which of course didn't work, and they walked right in the middle of it. *sigh*

I better make some money at this sale because everything costs a small fortune. A $900 vet bill, $1900 for carpet, $600 to get the fence fixed, 100$ for the computer guy, and yada, yada, yada.

Just Do It!

Yes, I am my own Nike commercial. I had to have a serious talk with myself after last night. I told myself to get up off my ass and JUST DO IT. I am going to be assuming a leadership role in my new job, and thus cannot be such a wuss.

Stuff is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything. People mean something, not stuff. Tonight's agenda is to move more furniture to the garage for the sale.

20 Percent

I'm overwhelmed with sadness tonight. As I sit here up against the wall, it seems like life is 80 percent pain and 20 percent pleasure, but we keep on going in life for that 20 percent. It sounds negative I guess, but it is how life works. I'm not sure what God is doing with me at the moment. Everything happening now seems good and exciting, yet I am having to pray for courage. I can't seem to move my limbs. Perhaps it is a night to rest.