Par-tay!

My Bon Voyage party is tonight. There will be pics, I am quite sure, that will somehow appear on my blog soon.

Alive and Dead at the Same Time

I have so many bruises I lost count. My leg has a two-inch gash. I am experiencing sleep deprivation, and because of it I started crying uncontrollably at therapy today for no good reason. I have had a new therapist for quite a while, this time a male therapist, and I tell you what, he is AWESOME. He has a very different approach and gives a ton of feedback. He is not one of those useless therapists that just sit there. He is very direct with me, and I LOVE it. The truth. No bullshit. When I started crying and couldn't tell him why he asked me how much sleep I've been getting. I told him 3 to 4 hours a night for about a month now. He said, "Well no wonder!", handed me a Kleenex and told me not to get snot on the couch. LOL!  He cracks me up. I actually started with this new therapist not to "fix me" emotionally, but to help me find direction for my life. It appears to be working. A promotion into management, a big move, and I am actually moving forward and not dwelling on the past. If you live in the past, history will keep repeating itself and I DON'T WANT THAT. I am actually making big decisions and not looking back. Thrusting ahead with a vengeance. Only problem is, it's KILLING ME physically. My poor body. Every second of my day is taken up with something that MUST get done. It will soon slow down (a little), but I seriously can't wait to get the fuck outta here. I used to love Washington but am now just completely tired of it. 32 years here. Long enough. Yes, I am leaving clean air and beautiful trees/mountains/lakes, but I don't care anymore. The beach, the pool and the sun sound pretty damn good right now. I'll deal with the smog, the taxes and the bankrupt state of California for a while and like it! Getting a huge raise and no longer paying two mortgages will put me in a no-stress financial situation. I have NO IDEA what that is like, but I can't WAIT to find out. I might actually GET to Bora Bora, and not have to hock a kidney to do it.

Okay, THERE, I blogged.

What a weekend.

NOT relaxing. At all. But I did get a big chunk of my moving list done. The next week will be full of calls, more packing and sorting, making the house livable for the time being (getting everything out of the kitchen), getting rid of the leftover garage sale stuff and my "Bon Voyage" party is this Friday. My AWESOME friends Annie and Mick are throwing it for me and I am overwhelmed at their suggestion and willingness to do something like this for me. My poor mom will be invaded by all my friends for a night of food, drink, laughing and saying goodbye.

Life is so weird right now. I feel like everything has been turned upside-down for 2 and a half years, but especially the last year. One day I'm fine, one day I fall apart, but I keep going somehow. Going through life's traumatic experiences and being alone teach you all about who you are and what you're made of. Some things you want to see, some things you don't, and sometimes you are totally surprised at what you see. I think I'm on autopilot right now because my brain is on overdrive.

My life has gone in some crazy directions, and I have a feeling there are twists and turns yet to come.

Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend.
-CDM

I need a massage.

STAT. Every inch of my body hurts. I moved EVERYTHING I own into the kitchen and/or garage for the carpet guys and ended up having to take a pain killer because I couldn't stand up straight my back hurt so bad. The place looks fabulous! Of course, it will be looking the best it ever has with everything repaired and working properly just in time for me to MOVE. Pisses me off a little. ;-) I just keep telling myself, I'll be laying in the sun and going for a swim this time next month!

I've hired two people for my team on the new job so far. It is strange being the one who "hires" people. Let's hope I picked the right people!

Can't think of much more to say at the moment so I'll just go to bed. Goodnight.

My Wedding Dress

I can't quite get to sleep and decided to sit at the computer for a quick break. I've been working very hard tonight getting everything off the carpet for tomorrow's installation, and as I was cleaning out my closet I ran across my wedding dress. I chucked it. Right into the garbage. It was a hard thing to do, but it is part of moving on. It has been awhile now, but things like that are hard. But I didn't hesitate, I just did it. I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it, it is obviously bad luck. Ha.

It will be good to get out of this town.

I have a case of "feel sorry for myself" today. I shouldn't, but I do. The blues. I'm trying not to go there, but sometimes I can't help it. It comes and goes and I try to contain it, but it's claws get a hold of me occasionally. The carpet is going in tomorrow and I have so much to do. My body hurts and I am tired. So, so tired. I always get stuck with all the work. More than I can handle by myself. I have hurt for so long I don't know how to feel good. I'm trying though.

Finishing Up.

Perhaps someday you will tell me. I'd honestly really like to know.

Got a four-day weekend here to finish up the garage sale and get the carpet in (hopefully). Moving day is getting closer and closer. I have no food in the house and I'm seriously hungry, so job one is going to get something to eat.

WHY

Why do you read my blog everyday Coin? I've been asking myself that question for over two years now and cannot for the life of me come up with a good answer. It made sense in the beginning with the mistaken identity thing and trying to get info, but it seriously doesn't make sense now. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that you are a devoted reader, in fact it's flattering, but what is a happily married man wasting his time on my blog every day for? I'm not that interesting. I could get my mind around checking in once in a while for curiosity's sake, but almost EVERY DAY FOR OVER TWO YEARS, WHY?

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?

You're killing me here! Even my therapist agrees there is something to it, and he is a male therapist. Enlighten me.

Getting rid of so much stuff.

All that's left! My dining room table posing as my desk, my sad little mattress, old office with crap on the floor and my lonely TV.

Who was driving the Mac Truck?

I was falling asleep at my desk yesterday, and when I got home I crashed hard. I did not wake up until the next morning (that's why no blogging yesterday). Today, I feel like a Mac truck has hit me. Every single muscle in my body hurts from all the lifting. I seriously feel 80 years old.

I won an award this morning from my department as being "the most helpful, friendly and dedicated employee". I almost cried. It is going to be hard to leave such a great group of people who actually like me. Speaking of work, I guess I better go do some.

Selling all my stuff.

Wow. I was feeling so sad and lost about selling most of my stuff, but as the garage became more and more empty, the more freedom I felt. Amazing. Life never ceases to amaze me. I made a ton of money too! Going to have another sale next weekend to shed the rest and then the new carpet will go in. I gave money to my neighbor today to fix the fence and do some minor repairs on the house, and then all the major stuff is done! I'm hiring a maid to scrub the house before I go, and the movers will pack my stuff. The rest is cake.

The very last episode of LOST is on tonight, I'm going to miss it so much! They'd better answer all my questions! No more LOST. How ironic.

Until tomorrow my peeps.

Garage Sale

Quick update, garage sale is going GREAT!! I am making WAY more money than I thought I would! Woohoo!!!

Finally, a Productive Day!

So I got my ass in gear Thursday. I took the day off work because the dogs had to get their teeth cleaned and the carpet guy came out to give me an estimate. So, took dogs to vet, got Windows 7 at Staples, went to the post office and bank, got a coffee, got garage sale signs, called "Geek Pros" to fix my computer (internet went down and I kept getting too many error messages), weeded through the house for all the sale items and put them in the garage, did the laundry, made myself dinner and crashed. Tonight I am pricing everything and rearranging the garage. I am DAMN tired and all sweaty. My neighbor came over and helped me move the big furniture out THANK GOD. My back hates me now, though, and I will be very sore tomorrow.

The house looks weird. There's hardly anything in it. I have my laptop on my dining room table because all there is in my office is books, DVDs and craft supplies (all on the floor). In my front room all I have is a small chair in front of my electric fireplace and TV. Nothing on the walls. By tomorrow, my bedroom will only have a mattress on the floor (because the mattress is new) and clothes stacked against the wall. I feel like a poor college student. LOL.

So there you have it. Progress. I even changed all the burnt-out lightbulbs, which I ever so gracefully dropped. They shattered all over the frigging place and I was screaming at the dogs to get away, which of course didn't work, and they walked right in the middle of it. *sigh*

I better make some money at this sale because everything costs a small fortune. A $900 vet bill, $1900 for carpet, $600 to get the fence fixed, 100$ for the computer guy, and yada, yada, yada.

Just Do It!

Yes, I am my own Nike commercial. I had to have a serious talk with myself after last night. I told myself to get up off my ass and JUST DO IT. I am going to be assuming a leadership role in my new job, and thus cannot be such a wuss.

Stuff is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything. People mean something, not stuff. Tonight's agenda is to move more furniture to the garage for the sale.

20 Percent

I'm overwhelmed with sadness tonight. As I sit here up against the wall, it seems like life is 80 percent pain and 20 percent pleasure, but we keep on going in life for that 20 percent. It sounds negative I guess, but it is how life works. I'm not sure what God is doing with me at the moment. Everything happening now seems good and exciting, yet I am having to pray for courage. I can't seem to move my limbs. Perhaps it is a night to rest.

They are having a hard time letting me go.

My boss in Seattle is making me stay a week longer before giving me up to my new boss. Also, I haven't moved, or even started my new position yet and I'm already scheduled to do interviews to put my team together. So, I'm now leaving Seattle on June 24th instead of the 16th, BUT I don't have to start my new job until July 12th, so that gives me more days off and more time to pack. There are seriously not enough hours in the day. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night with all the things I have to do. This whole "independent woman" thing SUCKS at the moment. I have to move all the big furniture by myself (for the garage sale). Bah!

New Life, New Blog Makeover.

I am trying this blog skin out; I was getting sick of the old one. I'm starting to like making changes. I added music, which will probably annoy all of you, but that's my job. To annoy you. If you don't like it, you can go to the bottom and shut it off.

I am starting to go through all my stuff. Ug. I have too much stuff. I think I will like "downsizing" actually; it makes life simpler and more organized. First order of business is getting everything I am going to sell into the garage and throwing stuff out. That is the task this week, and I am having a garage sale the next two weekends in a row. This will be the biggest job, so I want to get it out of the way first.

I have to keep telling myself it will all be OK. To stop stressing. This is a lot for one person to handle, especially with all the crap that I've been through, but I have to do it. No choice. As soon as I start having a panic attack, I just sit down and concentrate on my breathing. Which I'm having to do a lot.

Better today.

After a good night's sleep, I am feeling a little better. Sometimes I have moments that seem to summarize things in a way that overwhelms me. That's normal, right? But we let go and push ahead! I must admit, it is hard to get rid of most everything in my life and start new. It is a necessary step in my life, however, but "pruning" can be painful. It will pass. Everything does. Life goes on and I am going with it. I think my problem is things are happening fast and I don't have much time to think about it; which is probably a good thing. The timing of how everything has come together for me is interesting, though. It is perfect. The order of events and their timing has been perfect. It is meant to be.

Laying in bed.

Everything just hit me. Everything. The past, the present, the future. I feel a little woozy. Sick to my stomach. I'm probably going to get sick, actually.

Why they call me "CrazyDogMama" and Happy Birthday to my Mama!

Took Mags to the Vet this morning. It is always an adventure to take her in the car. As you can see, she is nice and calm and relaxed while we are on the highway, but it's FULL chaos when I park and pull the emergency brake up. I asked for doggie Valium for the drive to California so that I don't chuck her out the window. Taking mom out for a lobster dinner for her birthday!