Dinner Party

Had some friends and family over for dinner tonight. My neighbor, my mom and my stepson. Bill (my stepson) has just turned out to be the sweetest kid, well, MAN now. I can't believe he is turning 18 and moving to Cali to go to college next year. We have stayed close through all of this, and I feel blessed. I've known him since he was 1 1/2 years old. He is meeting his dad's girlfriend tomorrow and I hope it isn't too awkward for him. He is weirded-out by it.

I made a glazed ham, asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes, salad and rolls. The food turned out good, but I have a second degree burn and broke my round baking stone by putting it on a burner that was on. What a dope I am. Made a bit of a spectacle of myself. Oops. At least things are never boring around here! LOL.

I'm exhausted. Going to watch an episode of Roswell (shut up) and hit the sheets. I can't really figure out how I'm feeling. Honestly, I'm a little down, but I'll get over it. I can see now why there are so many suicides this time of year, though. I'm having second thoughts about selling the house right away. I worked my ASS off to get it and keep it, and after looking at some condos in downtown Seattle, I'm worried it would be too hard with the dogs. I might just completely remodel and make it all mine. I don't know. I guess I'll see what happens in my life.

Merry Christmas Eve-Eve!

Two Steps Forward, Five Steps Back

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had a terrible day. Just when you take 2 steps forward, something knocks you back 5. I am officially on holiday vacation now and wish I could get away. Instead of counting sheep, I'm picturing a small table. It has a candle on it, and it is nestled on soft sand. It is evening, late, but not too late. Other tables with candles are nearby, but the occupant's conversations are soft and cannot be distinguished more than a mutter. There is a band that can be heard in the distance playing pleasant music. A big grassy straw-like covering overhangs. The candles make everything appear orange and comfortable. Safe. Relaxing. There is a warm wind, and I can smell fragrant flowers. It is a clear night with a big moon and a magnificent display of stars. I am barefoot, wearing a tank top and an oversized sarong as a skirt. I sit down at the table.

You can finish the story for me.

Wrapping Presents Blows

Okay, you know what? I fucking hate wrapping presents. I suck at it, I get frustrated, it takes me forever and I make a huge, stupid mess. I waste a lot of wrapping paper because I always cut it wrong. (Too short, too crooked, etc.) To be extra festive this year, I am watching the news about two more policemen shot. That makes seven in this state in 2 months! It is horrifying and tragic. I cannot believe what is happening. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of the families dealing with this right now. And I thought I had it bad, I guess I should be glad I'm not a cop anymore. My prayers go out to all affected. On a happier note, I was taken to lunch today to a cute little French restaurant in Belltown called "Le Pichet", and my espresso was so pretty I had to take a picture of it!

We can open presents whenever we want!

So, my mom and I decided to pretty much give each other all our Christmas gifts early, especially when we are out shopping. "Do you like this? Great! Here you go, Merry Christmas!" It has been a hoot. We have saved a few so we aren't bored on Christmas morning, but we are doing things totally out of tradition this year. One gift I let her have early is a DVD set she wanted of the TV series "Roswell". This series is older, it came out in 1999. It is about teenagers and aliens and such. I secretly rolled my eyes thinking "What the hell, ma? This looks lame as hell." Well, I've been staying with her off and on lately and yes, you guessed it, she made me watch it with her. I'm totally 100% hooked. I am so embarrassed to admit that, but I love it. We are only through the third disc set and I can't wait to watch the next one. Damn her!

Today should be interesting. Today begins the path to my new life. Aren't you dying to know what I'm up to?

Charlie Brown Christmas

This is as festive as I am getting this year. I just don't have it in me to put up a Christmas tree. Maybe next year. If you can see it, I have a Bonafide Charlie Brown Christmas Tree to the right of the TV that my stepson gave to me. It's totally working this year.

Planning My Life

I have had a good couple of days and have actually started planning my life! I'm excited about some of the decisions I've made to go forward. So excited that I forgot to blog! I'm not going to go into details too early because I think it will be more fun to write about it as it unfolds. The first decision on my path is that I am putting my house on the market in January. That is step one. I'm going to do things MY way for once, and it feels great! More tomorrow when my eyeballs can focus again.

Zero Plans

This time next week I will be on vacation until after the first of the year. I have ZERO plans. I am having a very low-key Christmas with just my mom, but other than that I don't know what to do with myself. My company shuts down so it is all holiday pay (yay!), although I will be on-call. I don't know when I will find out about the supervisor position. It's a crapshoot at this point. I guess if it is meant to be it will be. Or not. So, what should I do with my time off?

The "I wonder where I will be a year from now" game.

Well, I'm lying in bed with my mind racing and can't sleep. This time last year I had just been laid off from my job and had started a temporary contract job. I remember wondering where I would be in a year. I was WAY OFF. I always am. That is part of the allure behind blogging and journaling, to see how things change and how things happen beyond your imagination. Someone said to me around that time that they predicted I would be in the same situation a year from the time they told me, and that they probably would be in their same situation too. They said, "We never really change much do we?". I never met that person, but I would say they were a bit wrong. I wonder if things turned out different than they expected too.

I'm going to make this a new thing I do at the same time every year. Let's call it, "I wonder where I will be a year from now?"

Lou & the Whipped Cream, New Earrings, and A Pity Pot

He pees on the floor, barks at everything and gets into all kinds of trouble, but every now and then his antics just crack me up and I was laughing too hard to yell at him.

I stopped at an espresso drive-thru and got an iced mocha with whipped cream once, and Louie was riding shotgun curled up in a ball with the butt warmer on. I got distracted with a call and the next minute I looked down; I was greeted by a grinning whipped cream-faced dog with a straw in his mouth. It was classic.

I've been on the pity pot lately. (If you haven't noticed.) Not a fun place to be. I know it's stupid, but sometimes you just can't help it. Today I was a tad grumpy. I was yelling at stupid drivers and wanted to tip over a holiday display. Bah, Humbug! Hehe. I usually adore Christmas, but with everything I've dealt with this year I guess I'm a little cynical and pissed off. I'm with Chele, what the hell happened to "gentlemen"? I can't remember the last time a man opened a door for me. In fact, I had a door swing into my face tonight. Thanks dude. I'm thinking my choices are somewhat nil in this day and age. I'm too old fashioned, I guess. I believe I have much to give, but I don't want to cast my pearls before swine, you know? I want to be taken care of this time and be the adoring, loyal wife. I make good money, I'm educated, I love to cook, and I love sex, but I'm not putting up with any shit. I'm done with that. Tiger Woods? What an idiot! Cheat on Elin Nordegren? FOOL.

OK I'm done ranting on my blog here into cyber space. Everything is wonderful and normal. I did buy myself some new earrings from Macy's. A little Christmas gift to myself. ;-)

The good, the bad and the goofy.

The bad: Took Lou to the vet today. The prognosis is not good. I just have to love him and enjoy him while I can. I feel like I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.

The good: My mom, her best friend Cathy and I are going to take a trip to New Orleans in the new year. Woohoo! I'm worried about what to do with Lou though, he couldn't handle boarding.

The goofy: I made cookies and they all melted together into one big cookie. LOL!

Shit List

Are you on it? My shit list is growing. ;-). Ever had one of those days (lives?) where nothing goes right, and everyone irritates you? Gah.

Got this funny gag gift at the company Christmas party. Somebody knows me all too well, I think!

Heat is not overrated.

I have HEAT! Yay! Only cost $200 for my neighbor to fix it. Thank you, GOD and Denin. What a week. I've had better. I'm really worried about Lou-dog, he is going downhill and I'm so afraid. I can't lose him, I CAN'T. Not now. That would send me right over the edge. I need him well. Right NOW.

Don't fall asleep reading this post.

Long day. Worked for a bit, had a departmental holiday party that I zoned out at and didn't really participate in (had a Pepsi and played one game of pool, whoop-de-doo!), got an oil & lube and car wash, went to dinner with mom, had neighbor install new heater pump but haven't heard back to see if it worked, printed out my credit reports, signed lawyer paperwork and now it's time for bed. Exciting shit, no? Haven't been sleeping well and I'm very, very tired. I need to iron about 50 shirts/pants and don't have the energy. Gotta train two new people tomorrow at work. Blah!

Did you fall asleep reading this post? I did.

It's good to pay it forward.

Unthawed. My mother is being a gracious hostess and dogsitter. My neighbor is trying to get me a new pump for my heater at wholesale and offered to install it for me. Such a nice guy. His truck broke down and I gave him my old truck, no strings attached. That is what it is all about, this life, helping each other out.

Had my internal interview at work yesterday for the supervisor position. Keep fingers and toes crossed, a good promotion would be GREAT right now! If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Things could get interesting.

Frozen

I'm going to freeze to death. My heater pump went out. I have no fireplace except my fake one, and neither it nor my space heater can get the air temp above about 50 degrees, and that is only within a small area. I have 2 layers of clothes on under the covers here in my bed. The dogs are shaking. It is supposed to snow on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Jim didn't leave me in the greatest financial position (I kind of got left holding the bag with 2 mortgages and lots of bills) so I'm going to have stay at my mom's or something until I can get it fixed, or the dogs and I will turn into popsicles.

I broke down and cried earlier. Have you ever cried while your teeth were chattering? It's a little frightening. It'll get better, right?

Holiday Party Update

Well dinner was good, the "Kings of Swing" were fun, and a coworker friend of mine proposed to his girlfriend (also a coworker) in front of everyone. It was so sweet. It brought me to tears of course. Right now, I'm standing outside alone getting some fresh air. (Am I pathetic or what?). I can't feel my toes. More later.

Hot-Ass Prawns

Went to dinner and shopping with mama. I had "Camarones del Diablo" which is Spanish for hot-ass prawns. YUM. I will regret it tomorrow, but it was worth it. ;-)

My coworkers are making me go to the company Christmas party tomorrow. Swing dancing with no one to dance with, not that I would have danced anyway. Neat. I did buy a nice outfit, though. I figure if I'm not having a good time I'll just leave.

Out of My Comfort Zone

I like how Kim put it: I am going through some deep shit.

That's for sure! On several levels. My ENTIRE life has and continues to change. I am so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know what a comfort zone is anymore. The only family I have left is my mom, my stepson and the dogs, due to 4 deaths and a husband who bailed (which pretty much eliminated 2 other family members). I'm having to learn to be alone, and how to control my emotions and maintain composure. I want to learn what love and happiness is/means. I am still relatively new at my job, and it is morphing as we speak. I'm having to trust in God to protect me and help me through hard things. I'm going to have to move soon. I've learned who my true friends are.

I'm doing pretty good I think, considering the circumstances. Some awful crap has happened, and of course I'm not posting that on the internet, but life can suck. I know, I'm an expert. But it is up to me. It is my choice to move ahead. It is up to me to make good, healthy choices. I'm in charge of my own happiness (that is also a choice, sometimes hard, but still a choice). As far as love goes, well, I'm a little old fashioned there wanting the man to be the pursuer, but who knows. I have no idea what will happen to me. I've definitely learned that life is full of surprises and that anger, bitterness and vindictiveness is a total waste of time.

Prayer Works

I AM HAVING A GOOD DAY. That may seem trivial to you, but if you knew the hell I've been through lately you would fall right over. I laughed today. I only teared up once; briefly. I am feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in a while, and I was so far from feeling that yesterday it isn't even funny. I want to go back to NY (Annie you are coming next time; can you imagine the damage we could do together?) which means I am thinking about fun things instead of not fun things. I enjoyed my tuna melt for lunch, and I got winked at on the elevator at my lawyer's office.

To have a change in spirit THAT quickly either means I'm Bipolar, or the prayers are working. Now, I've been to therapy, and they said the only problem I have is anxiety, YUP. God. Do NOT argue with me.

I may be grumpy and sad again tomorrow, but I had a good day TODAY.

One Too Many Blows

I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am starting not to care about anything. I've taken one too many blows and just don't have the strength to get up anymore.