The good, the bad and the goofy.

The bad: Took Lou to the vet today. The prognosis is not good. I just have to love him and enjoy him while I can. I feel like I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.

The good: My mom, her best friend Cathy and I are going to take a trip to New Orleans in the new year. Woohoo! I'm worried about what to do with Lou though, he couldn't handle boarding.

The goofy: I made cookies and they all melted together into one big cookie. LOL!

Shit List

Are you on it? My shit list is growing. ;-). Ever had one of those days (lives?) where nothing goes right, and everyone irritates you? Gah.

Got this funny gag gift at the company Christmas party. Somebody knows me all too well, I think!

Heat is not overrated.

I have HEAT! Yay! Only cost $200 for my neighbor to fix it. Thank you, GOD and Denin. What a week. I've had better. I'm really worried about Lou-dog, he is going downhill and I'm so afraid. I can't lose him, I CAN'T. Not now. That would send me right over the edge. I need him well. Right NOW.

Don't fall asleep reading this post.

Long day. Worked for a bit, had a departmental holiday party that I zoned out at and didn't really participate in (had a Pepsi and played one game of pool, whoop-de-doo!), got an oil & lube and car wash, went to dinner with mom, had neighbor install new heater pump but haven't heard back to see if it worked, printed out my credit reports, signed lawyer paperwork and now it's time for bed. Exciting shit, no? Haven't been sleeping well and I'm very, very tired. I need to iron about 50 shirts/pants and don't have the energy. Gotta train two new people tomorrow at work. Blah!

Did you fall asleep reading this post? I did.

It's good to pay it forward.

Unthawed. My mother is being a gracious hostess and dogsitter. My neighbor is trying to get me a new pump for my heater at wholesale and offered to install it for me. Such a nice guy. His truck broke down and I gave him my old truck, no strings attached. That is what it is all about, this life, helping each other out.

Had my internal interview at work yesterday for the supervisor position. Keep fingers and toes crossed, a good promotion would be GREAT right now! If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Things could get interesting.

Frozen

I'm going to freeze to death. My heater pump went out. I have no fireplace except my fake one, and neither it nor my space heater can get the air temp above about 50 degrees, and that is only within a small area. I have 2 layers of clothes on under the covers here in my bed. The dogs are shaking. It is supposed to snow on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Jim didn't leave me in the greatest financial position (I kind of got left holding the bag with 2 mortgages and lots of bills) so I'm going to have stay at my mom's or something until I can get it fixed, or the dogs and I will turn into popsicles.

I broke down and cried earlier. Have you ever cried while your teeth were chattering? It's a little frightening. It'll get better, right?

Holiday Party Update

Well dinner was good, the "Kings of Swing" were fun, and a coworker friend of mine proposed to his girlfriend (also a coworker) in front of everyone. It was so sweet. It brought me to tears of course. Right now, I'm standing outside alone getting some fresh air. (Am I pathetic or what?). I can't feel my toes. More later.

Hot-Ass Prawns

Went to dinner and shopping with mama. I had "Camarones del Diablo" which is Spanish for hot-ass prawns. YUM. I will regret it tomorrow, but it was worth it. ;-)

My coworkers are making me go to the company Christmas party tomorrow. Swing dancing with no one to dance with, not that I would have danced anyway. Neat. I did buy a nice outfit, though. I figure if I'm not having a good time I'll just leave.

Out of My Comfort Zone

I like how Kim put it: I am going through some deep shit.

That's for sure! On several levels. My ENTIRE life has and continues to change. I am so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know what a comfort zone is anymore. The only family I have left is my mom, my stepson and the dogs, due to 4 deaths and a husband who bailed (which pretty much eliminated 2 other family members). I'm having to learn to be alone, and how to control my emotions and maintain composure. I want to learn what love and happiness is/means. I am still relatively new at my job, and it is morphing as we speak. I'm having to trust in God to protect me and help me through hard things. I'm going to have to move soon. I've learned who my true friends are.

I'm doing pretty good I think, considering the circumstances. Some awful crap has happened, and of course I'm not posting that on the internet, but life can suck. I know, I'm an expert. But it is up to me. It is my choice to move ahead. It is up to me to make good, healthy choices. I'm in charge of my own happiness (that is also a choice, sometimes hard, but still a choice). As far as love goes, well, I'm a little old fashioned there wanting the man to be the pursuer, but who knows. I have no idea what will happen to me. I've definitely learned that life is full of surprises and that anger, bitterness and vindictiveness is a total waste of time.

Prayer Works

I AM HAVING A GOOD DAY. That may seem trivial to you, but if you knew the hell I've been through lately you would fall right over. I laughed today. I only teared up once; briefly. I am feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in a while, and I was so far from feeling that yesterday it isn't even funny. I want to go back to NY (Annie you are coming next time; can you imagine the damage we could do together?) which means I am thinking about fun things instead of not fun things. I enjoyed my tuna melt for lunch, and I got winked at on the elevator at my lawyer's office.

To have a change in spirit THAT quickly either means I'm Bipolar, or the prayers are working. Now, I've been to therapy, and they said the only problem I have is anxiety, YUP. God. Do NOT argue with me.

I may be grumpy and sad again tomorrow, but I had a good day TODAY.

One Too Many Blows

I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am starting not to care about anything. I've taken one too many blows and just don't have the strength to get up anymore.

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and I have bad days. Everyone does, but when the bad hits, it really hits. The last few years have just torn my soul apart. Deaths, separation/divorce, and many other things, and I was already stressed, struggling and unhappy when the storm came and slammed my ass. One thing after the other. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! I was doing pretty well there for a while keeping myself together, but some 'challenges' have presented themselves of late and the few glimpses of hope for a couple of things I had, have died.

I walked through Costco today among the decorations, families and busy shoppers. I felt dizzy. I suddenly felt incredibly alone with 100's of people around. I felt small and invisible. I just told myself to breathe. This too shall pass.

I'm just having faith that everything will be OK. You have to be happy with yourself before your life will start to take a good shape. I like myself, even when I'm a dumbass idiot fool, but sometimes life can beat you down a bit.

Thanksgiving with Mom 2009

Here is our sad little turkey with a little turkey boner! Haha, that's what I call it. The dogs are just waiting for ANYTHING to drop. It's not the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had, but I feel loved and warm. Got my fuzzy house slippers on. I didn't cook this year for the first time in a LONG time. Actually, I haven't cooked much at all for a while now, but I will again, I'm sure, if you know what I mean.

Happy Turkey Day to all who celebrate! WOOF! From Louie and Maggie.

CrazyDogMama Wisdom

One of life's greatest accomplishments is being true to yourself. Others can let you down or betray you, but you can still walk with your head held high and a clear conscience. When you betray yourself, it is a prison. It is a deep emotional wound more so than when you are hurt by others or by circumstances.

Sad Thanksgiving

Well, I don't get to California to be with friends for Thanksgiving because I don't have enough money for the last-minute plane ticket and dog boarding. Just going to be me and mom. Don't even feel much like eating. WOW I've never said THAT before. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Thankfulness

I got a request for a list. I'll warn you though, I'm not feeling funny. The reality of my life has hit me recently, and the holidays are coming up. I will be spending them alone (unmarried) for the first time in 16 years.

Things I'm thankful for:
1. My mom who is always there for me.
2. All my friends who are always there for me.
3. My job.
4. My retarded dogs who keep me company.
5. God who keeps me going when I don't think I can.
6. Hope. You have to have it.

Things I am not thankful for:
1. The single life. It sucks. There is no 'honey', just friends.
2. Wasting half of my life and giving my all for nothing.
3. I'm going to have to sell my house. Gotta start a new life and I can't do that there.
4. Wearing my heart on my sleeve and always making myself vulnerable.

Well, at least my thankful list is longer than my pathetic list. :-)

Any more questions?

I don't know what to blog about. Any ideas? I've got blogger's block tonight. Any more damn questions? I may or may not answer but go ahead and give it a shot.

Shocker: I had a troubling day.

I had a very troubling day today, as I often do. Earlier I wrote a very dark post and decided to delete it because there was no good in it and therefore worthless. Instead, in light of recent confessions of my somewhat new single life, I thought I would leave this with you because many expressed concerns. Thank you.

When I was anguishing over heartbreak and loneliness, the Lord spoke this to me in His own special way:

"You have followed me and done what you believed I said for you to do. You cannot control the actions of others. If they choose to go their own way, I still have wonderful plans for you."

Answers to all your burning questions.

Instead of answering all the individual emails, I told myself to just suck it up and take a risk by posting it. I've been trying to keep much of private life, well, private, but who gives a shit, right?

YES, I am going through a divorce. NO, it was not my idea. YES, we are still friends, but he is with someone else now. It hurts, I don't know anyone who thinks divorce is fun, but I'm OK. I still, and will always care for him, but I've decided to reinvent my life and move on. I have a lot to give, and I'm not worried about the future, in fact I can't wait to see what happens. That is all I am willing to share, please understand.

I got home from my trip safe and sound and am trying to figure out Thanksgiving. I was invited to California, and I might just go and drag my mom with me. It would be a dinner with lots of great people and a helluva good time.

I slept for a good 10 hours last night since I only got about a total of 20 while I was on the East Coast last week. I had to go get a GOOD mocha this morning because holy shit NJ has no espresso, and even if you CAN find a place, it sucks! I went through withdrawal.

NY rocks! Me loves it!

It was so much fun, and quite hysterical. My boss and I drove over in our rental car and got LOST. Even following MapQuest, we found ourselves somewhere in Newark wondering how we did a complete circle while following the directions exactly. We finally just "winged it" and went with our gut, and when we found the Lincoln Tunnel we shouted with glee! Both of us raised our arms and yelled, "Hooray"! I couldn't stop laughing. I got vertigo looking up at all those skyscrapers!

We were both like kids in a candy store running around in the dark. We didn't get there until about 8 something at night and didn't get back until 2 am. We spent our time at Rockefeller Plaza and went up to the "Top of the Rock" to the observatory. AMAZING. The pic of my boss crouching is because she is afraid of heights, and it was funny to watch her attempt to look at the NY skyline at the top of the observatory. She was a tad nervous.

We watched the ice skaters; we ate a hot dog and a gyro from a street vendor and purchased some goodies for friends and family back home. More than one person approached us trying to sell some knockoff item. I got a great kick out it. My phone died from taking pics and so we didn't have directions home. We were tired and not quite as excited about that but did figure it out. Everyone honks their vehicle horn in NY. EVERYONE. All the time. It was annoying at first then we just joined in for the heck of it. NY is definitely very different from home, but quite the experience! I had a blast. I'm flying back home tonight, hopefully it will be better than the trip here.