Out of My Comfort Zone

I like how Kim put it: I am going through some deep shit.

That's for sure! On several levels. My ENTIRE life has and continues to change. I am so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know what a comfort zone is anymore. The only family I have left is my mom, my stepson and the dogs, due to 4 deaths and a husband who bailed (which pretty much eliminated 2 other family members). I'm having to learn to be alone, and how to control my emotions and maintain composure. I want to learn what love and happiness is/means. I am still relatively new at my job, and it is morphing as we speak. I'm having to trust in God to protect me and help me through hard things. I'm going to have to move soon. I've learned who my true friends are.

I'm doing pretty good I think, considering the circumstances. Some awful crap has happened, and of course I'm not posting that on the internet, but life can suck. I know, I'm an expert. But it is up to me. It is my choice to move ahead. It is up to me to make good, healthy choices. I'm in charge of my own happiness (that is also a choice, sometimes hard, but still a choice). As far as love goes, well, I'm a little old fashioned there wanting the man to be the pursuer, but who knows. I have no idea what will happen to me. I've definitely learned that life is full of surprises and that anger, bitterness and vindictiveness is a total waste of time.

Prayer Works

I AM HAVING A GOOD DAY. That may seem trivial to you, but if you knew the hell I've been through lately you would fall right over. I laughed today. I only teared up once; briefly. I am feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in a while, and I was so far from feeling that yesterday it isn't even funny. I want to go back to NY (Annie you are coming next time; can you imagine the damage we could do together?) which means I am thinking about fun things instead of not fun things. I enjoyed my tuna melt for lunch, and I got winked at on the elevator at my lawyer's office.

To have a change in spirit THAT quickly either means I'm Bipolar, or the prayers are working. Now, I've been to therapy, and they said the only problem I have is anxiety, YUP. God. Do NOT argue with me.

I may be grumpy and sad again tomorrow, but I had a good day TODAY.

One Too Many Blows

I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am starting not to care about anything. I've taken one too many blows and just don't have the strength to get up anymore.

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and I have bad days. Everyone does, but when the bad hits, it really hits. The last few years have just torn my soul apart. Deaths, separation/divorce, and many other things, and I was already stressed, struggling and unhappy when the storm came and slammed my ass. One thing after the other. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! I was doing pretty well there for a while keeping myself together, but some 'challenges' have presented themselves of late and the few glimpses of hope for a couple of things I had, have died.

I walked through Costco today among the decorations, families and busy shoppers. I felt dizzy. I suddenly felt incredibly alone with 100's of people around. I felt small and invisible. I just told myself to breathe. This too shall pass.

I'm just having faith that everything will be OK. You have to be happy with yourself before your life will start to take a good shape. I like myself, even when I'm a dumbass idiot fool, but sometimes life can beat you down a bit.

Thanksgiving with Mom 2009

Here is our sad little turkey with a little turkey boner! Haha, that's what I call it. The dogs are just waiting for ANYTHING to drop. It's not the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had, but I feel loved and warm. Got my fuzzy house slippers on. I didn't cook this year for the first time in a LONG time. Actually, I haven't cooked much at all for a while now, but I will again, I'm sure, if you know what I mean.

Happy Turkey Day to all who celebrate! WOOF! From Louie and Maggie.

CrazyDogMama Wisdom

One of life's greatest accomplishments is being true to yourself. Others can let you down or betray you, but you can still walk with your head held high and a clear conscience. When you betray yourself, it is a prison. It is a deep emotional wound more so than when you are hurt by others or by circumstances.

Sad Thanksgiving

Well, I don't get to California to be with friends for Thanksgiving because I don't have enough money for the last-minute plane ticket and dog boarding. Just going to be me and mom. Don't even feel much like eating. WOW I've never said THAT before. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Thankfulness

I got a request for a list. I'll warn you though, I'm not feeling funny. The reality of my life has hit me recently, and the holidays are coming up. I will be spending them alone (unmarried) for the first time in 16 years.

Things I'm thankful for:
1. My mom who is always there for me.
2. All my friends who are always there for me.
3. My job.
4. My retarded dogs who keep me company.
5. God who keeps me going when I don't think I can.
6. Hope. You have to have it.

Things I am not thankful for:
1. The single life. It sucks. There is no 'honey', just friends.
2. Wasting half of my life and giving my all for nothing.
3. I'm going to have to sell my house. Gotta start a new life and I can't do that there.
4. Wearing my heart on my sleeve and always making myself vulnerable.

Well, at least my thankful list is longer than my pathetic list. :-)

Any more questions?

I don't know what to blog about. Any ideas? I've got blogger's block tonight. Any more damn questions? I may or may not answer but go ahead and give it a shot.

Shocker: I had a troubling day.

I had a very troubling day today, as I often do. Earlier I wrote a very dark post and decided to delete it because there was no good in it and therefore worthless. Instead, in light of recent confessions of my somewhat new single life, I thought I would leave this with you because many expressed concerns. Thank you.

When I was anguishing over heartbreak and loneliness, the Lord spoke this to me in His own special way:

"You have followed me and done what you believed I said for you to do. You cannot control the actions of others. If they choose to go their own way, I still have wonderful plans for you."

Answers to all your burning questions.

Instead of answering all the individual emails, I told myself to just suck it up and take a risk by posting it. I've been trying to keep much of private life, well, private, but who gives a shit, right?

YES, I am going through a divorce. NO, it was not my idea. YES, we are still friends, but he is with someone else now. It hurts, I don't know anyone who thinks divorce is fun, but I'm OK. I still, and will always care for him, but I've decided to reinvent my life and move on. I have a lot to give, and I'm not worried about the future, in fact I can't wait to see what happens. That is all I am willing to share, please understand.

I got home from my trip safe and sound and am trying to figure out Thanksgiving. I was invited to California, and I might just go and drag my mom with me. It would be a dinner with lots of great people and a helluva good time.

I slept for a good 10 hours last night since I only got about a total of 20 while I was on the East Coast last week. I had to go get a GOOD mocha this morning because holy shit NJ has no espresso, and even if you CAN find a place, it sucks! I went through withdrawal.

NY rocks! Me loves it!

It was so much fun, and quite hysterical. My boss and I drove over in our rental car and got LOST. Even following MapQuest, we found ourselves somewhere in Newark wondering how we did a complete circle while following the directions exactly. We finally just "winged it" and went with our gut, and when we found the Lincoln Tunnel we shouted with glee! Both of us raised our arms and yelled, "Hooray"! I couldn't stop laughing. I got vertigo looking up at all those skyscrapers!

We were both like kids in a candy store running around in the dark. We didn't get there until about 8 something at night and didn't get back until 2 am. We spent our time at Rockefeller Plaza and went up to the "Top of the Rock" to the observatory. AMAZING. The pic of my boss crouching is because she is afraid of heights, and it was funny to watch her attempt to look at the NY skyline at the top of the observatory. She was a tad nervous.

We watched the ice skaters; we ate a hot dog and a gyro from a street vendor and purchased some goodies for friends and family back home. More than one person approached us trying to sell some knockoff item. I got a great kick out it. My phone died from taking pics and so we didn't have directions home. We were tired and not quite as excited about that but did figure it out. Everyone honks their vehicle horn in NY. EVERYONE. All the time. It was annoying at first then we just joined in for the heck of it. NY is definitely very different from home, but quite the experience! I had a blast. I'm flying back home tonight, hopefully it will be better than the trip here.

I FINALLY got to NY!

But, since it is 2 am here I'm going to bed. I will tell you all about it after I sleep.

The Melting Pot in NJ

Another day goes by where I didn't get to go to New York. BAH! Too much damn work. I told my boss that if we didn't go tomorrow that I would quit. So, we are going tomorrow. I gave her the 'face'. I have seen quite a bit of Jersey, however. That, and I've never eaten so good! I'm all about the food. Went to the Melting Pot. YUM. Dipping food in cheese and chocolate, how can than that EVER be a bad thing? This is my boss laughing because I was doing it wrong. I break all the rules. I leave the metal "rescue" spoon in the hot pot, I lose my food off the skewer, I double dip, and I get it all over the front of me. She found it amusing.

Another funny story. We were sitting in a deli for lunch (yes, we constantly eat) and someone asked for a pen. I went into my purse and dug one out. About 20 minutes later someone at the table starts busting up into laughter. I'm all WTF is so funny? She says, "You look like a Smurf!" Apparently, the pen was leaking blue ink, got all over my hands without my knowledge, then I proceeded to touch every part of my face. I had it ALL OVER ME. BLUE. IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY NEW JERSEY DELI. There is no photo of that, sorry.

The pic of me? I don't know. I get bored. What happens in Jersey, stays in Jersey.

Brasilia Feast!

One word for this place: ORGASM. If you like meat, that is - which I do. OMG, they keep bringing you skewers of meat for hours! My drink was some type of traditional Brazilian drink which tasted like a cross between a margarita and mojito with lime instead of mint. WOOO - can knock you on your ass if you aren't careful! The dessert cart, well, even though I ate more meat than my body could handle, I still made room for the best chocolate mousse cake I've ever had. I'm going to need to go buy new clothes for getting home because before this trip is over I'm going to have gained 10 pounds. They also played this fun live drum music which has your butt dancing in your chair. We were there for like, 3 hours.

So tomorrow we are skipping out of work early and hitting the Big Apple for a whirlwind tour. I instantly hit it off with a girl I'm training there, and her and her husband are going to show us all the good stuff/places. I can't wait!

Hello, NJ!

OK, where would you like to start? The machine that is supposed to spit out your boarding pass quickly and easily, did not. I annoyed about 12 people. Not my fault. Had to wait 20 min. for someone to help me and she so happily says, "Oh here you are, just a glitch!". I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out. I about had a heart attack. I got to the gate, went to get a coffee with my boss, set it down, and when I turned around, my trench coat sent the coffee flying. Then, once on board, I promptly sat down, and my knee kind of went underneath the arm rest and a bunch of gum got all over my pants. I did get an aisle seat (yay!), but the beverage cart lady spilled OJ on me. I KNOW!

Then there were the old people I sat next to. Get this, they brought their own crackers with OLD, WARM, CRUMBLED BLUE CHEESE. Who brings that kind of stinky ass shit on an airplane? OMFG it smelled like sweaty vomit feet. I thought bringing your own food was forbidden.

Once we got into the Newark terminal, we got to ride on one of those complimentary little inside cars because I'm telling you right now, I wasn't about to walk 20 miles to the car rental place. I am not exaggerating here, GEEZ! Then we got on the train/monorail thingee where we noticed a left behind sack. Oh crap! Bomb! LOL. I took a picture of course, for you know, evidence. I also took a pic of my hotel room bed. Pretty comfy!

So yes, the East Coast has welcomed me. I'm too tired to write anymore, but we had a blast at dinner with our local coworkers. Brasilia. I'll talk about it later. Cool experience.

Newark here I come!

Hopefully I'll survive the flight. It will be the longest one I've ever been on. I'm claustrophobic. And fat.

Nervous Nellie

Not sleeping. Which is good because then I will sleep on the plane. I'm a little keyed up. I will probably be blogging a lot and posting strange, stupid pics. I have no idea what to expect. I'm in unfamiliar territory.

Pouty McPitiful

Wow, I'm beat. Feeling a little strange. I ended up not eating any dinner on my birthday, I just wasn't hungry. My new rule is that I only eat when I'm hungry. As it turns out, I haven't been hungry all that much lately. Which is strange in and of itself if you know me.

I'm getting my hair done early in the morning. I'm taking a big-girl trip and one must have good hair for that. I also have some new big-girl clothes to take with me. I think I'm all set, now I just have to figure out how to get all my shit in a carry-on bag. YIKES. It has to include my work laptop, all my clothes/toiletries, my hair straightener and my camera. Yeah, I know, good luck with that.

Louie is Pouty McPitiful tonight. Mags is her usual self, but Lou is really in tune with me and knows something is up. I'm a little anxious I guess, flying, meeting new people, and some big tasks to accomplish.

Stay tuned, I think this blog will be fairly interesting over the next week. Should I get an "I heart NY" t-shirt? LOL.

This is 38.

I'm 38 today. I am wearing my new leopard shirt, my obnoxiously big earrings and look stoned even though I'm not. I took a picture of myself this morning to mark the occasion. Birthdays have never been anything special for me. I mean, I've only had ONE birthday party bash in my life. That ONE was my 21st birthday a very long 17 years ago. The group picture represents that evening. I am the one with my mouth wide open. (Are you even surprised?) Those are some old friends and people I worked with at the time. I was a waitress getting through college and getting ready to start the Police Academy. I was young and naive and an idealist. Now I'm old, wise and cynical as all hell. That day I didn't work. I remember getting up, getting all pretty, calling my boyfriend (I was dating one of the chefs at the restaurant at the time) and then heading out for quite a party! My friends paid for everything, my steak dinner, all my drinks (and there were plenty) and a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. It was so much fun, a time I'll never forget.

Today? Got up for work, got as pretty as I could, sat in traffic, and at 1:15 I have a doctor's appt. My honey is buying the fixin's, but I'm cooking us dinner. Gotta have my Cajun prawns. And that's it. Last year I just cried on my birthday. A few people have wished me a Happy Birthday, and I have received some nice gifts, but all in all nothing really that exciting. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything (ok maybe a little), I thought I would just write about the jubilee that will (not) be. I guess the good news is that I kind of look the same in the face. I have a few crow's feet blooming and some creases around the mouth, but I have the same hair, less the bangs, and a little shorter. The body, though is so NOT the same. I'm a hurtin' unit in that department. Oh well. Such is life. It's my own damn fault. Although now that I look at the pic closely, I was a little pudgy then, not quite at my best. I would still KILL to have that little pudge. Sigh, it was the beginning of the end. OK, enough of that shit. Happy Birthday to me! It is CrazyDogMamaPalooza today! You all better be nice to me. ;-)