What in the hell am I doing?

This is the title of my post. It should be my mantra. Have you ever thought this? This is a daily conversation I have with myself. What in the HELL am I doing?

What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? This is not even close to where I thought I'd be at 37. Not that I thought I was going to be a rockstar or anything, but usually people have SOMETHING figured out by now. Not me. It's not a midlife crisis, I don't need to relive my youth, I'm GLAD to be done with that. I've definitely gained some life wisdom, but I'm stuck. What now? I still need to move, not run, just move. I still have unfinished business. Sometimes I do the dumbest things and say the dumbest things. I also TYPE the dumbest things. But that's OK. Live and learn. You want to know something weird? I was in a pretty good mood today, then I went to bed and got all teary. The joys of being a woman, I guess. I got up because I thought it was ridiculous to be feeling and acting this way, and now I'm writing, because that's what I do when I'm restless and twitchy. I write. It's my therapy, and my outlet. The movie I just saw had a line in it that really got to me. It is what turned on the waterworks. A female in the movie said, "My life has been unremarkable in every way." I feel like that sometimes. Life is not about money or success or things or fame, but people. It's about people. I wonder if I have had an impact on anyone, ever. I'm sure I probably have, but it still makes me wonder. Have I been too selfish? Have I been too self-involved to see others? I reach out a lot, but usually manage to push everything and everyone farther away. That's probably why I like dogs. Crap, I don't even know where this post is going! I'm just blindly writing and letting whatever is in there, come out. That is the beauty of writing for me, to just spill out what is on the inside and try to make sense of it. I never really expected anyone to read it. Maybe no one is. Why is contentment and/or happiness so elusive? It's not like I'm the only one who struggles with this. In fact, I believe the majority of people are either in this same place right now or have been at some point in their lives. If I could just get a handle on a direction, then maybe I could get focused. I don't know. Someday this dark cloud will dissipate, but for now, I have questions.

Are you content? Is this all there is? What in the hell am I doing?

I had to go to work.

Well thank you for all the compliments today, I'm touched! You guys know how much I love comments anyway. It's what makes it all worth it.

I'm mostly goofing off (as you can see), trying to get SOME work done. No one hardly is here, and I have questions. Usually, I don't have to worry about going to work when it snows, because I can take paid time off, or work from home. But with a new contract job, that's not happening. So here I am! Got my snow boots on and everything.

I can't believe Christmas is Thursday, it just doesn't FEEL like Christmas. Things are just so weird anymore in my life. I don't recognize anything. I still have my sense of humor, though.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Whine, complain.

Winter Wonderland & Cozy Attire

Pictures galore! I wore my purple fuzzy scarf today since I blubbered into my other one on Friday. I'm feminine from the waste up and bulky commando boot attire from the waist down. LOL. I just had a nice TREACHEROUS 2-hour commute, and I never saw pavement. I heard on the radio that the weather here hasn't been this bad since 1968. Neat! And it isn't finished yet, or so they say.

Despite snow walls, compact snow and ice and being broke, I'm actually in a good mood today! (Don't fall over.) I'm glad to be among the living. I could only find one open coffee stand (pictured) and got winked at by a cute guy! A good way for any girl to start her day. My computer isn't working here at work, so a-blogging-I-will-do on the Crackberry for your amusement, and mine. There is no one here to fix it yet.

What do you want for Christmas?

I need a Christmas miracle. Really, what do you want? If you could have ANYTHING? Is your wish generic or specific? Is it something shiny, or something for the heart? Tell me. Pretend I'm Santa.

I'm finally going back to work. I'd never thought I would be GLAD to go back to work. It still sucks out there but cabin fever is nuts. I promise I'll blog better today, yesterday was a hard day.

Wine with a side of pasta.

I have had a really bad day. Uber crappy. Instead of getting into it, I'll show you the pasta I'm making with a large amount of red wine in it. Angry cooking is what I call it.

Soul on Fire

I'm bouncing off the frigging walls.

I'm sorry, but it's just the truth of things. I need to get an out of state job ASAP. I think it would really help me.

Emotional, Sorry

Yes, I deleted the last post because I sounded like an idiot. I do that well. I'm just in the middle of a difficult and challenging process, and I get emotional some times. Life is hard. I need to get a helmet.

The storm is kicking some ass right now. I'm trying to get some video.

It is scary out there.

LORD HAVE MERCY!

Right now, I am huddled in a ball with the pups, and I am hearing frightening things outside. It's like a horror movie or something! Except I'm living it. The wind is screaming, then roaring, things are cracking, and the house is moaning. It is like a sub-zero hurricane. Jim is snoring and is of no help whatsoever. How can he sleep? I might have to wake his ass up. If I had a fireplace, I would be curled up in front of it, but no. Nothing normal like that, here. I'm wondering if we are going to lose power, the wind is fierce. If that happens, it's off to a hotel. If I can GET to one. The snow is piling up, too. Good grief, this is going to be a big fat mess.

This storm is something else, I've never quite experienced anything like it before. Not in my 30+ years of living here in Washington, anyway. It's crazy. I hope the house stays intact. Geez.

Don't make fun of me, it's Christmas.

I wrote this. Don't exactly know what it is. A poem? A song? Thoughts? You decide.

I wish I could look into your eyes, to see who you are.
I wish I could touch your face, so I would know you are real.
I wish I could lay my head on your chest, to hear you heart.
I wish you didn't feel so far.

I talk to you, but you won't talk back.
I find myself needing you when I'm full of fear, but do you hear me?
Do you know I'm still here?

Even in the silence,
Even in my despair, I know you are present somehow, I know you are there.

Keep me close, don't let me go, someday we'll be face to face and all emptiness will fade away.

Bracing for the Storm

Listen to this outlook for tonight and tomorrow, and remember, I already have 14 inches of snow and no fireplace. I'm totally screwed. Not only will I be in trouble if I lose power, but I'm worried about no work again next week. I guess this is when faith comes in, huh?

Puget Sound Weather Outlook

Updated Saturday 9:00 a.m.

This morning is the calm before the storm. Temperatures will bottom out in the low-mid teens, although some areas were much colder -- below zero, even! Arlington reported a temperature this morning of -3, while it was -1 in Sedro-Woolley and -2 just outside of Lake Stevens.

Strong winds will begin to pick up in the Cascade foothills this morning and increase in strength through the day. Peak winds of sustained 50-60 mph gusting to 70-90 mph are possible between 7 p.m. Saturday and 7 a.m. Sunday.

The rest of the area will be dry with increasing clouds, then heavy snow will develop around late afternoon in the south, pushing north through the Seattle metro area in the early evening. Several inches of snow are likely throughout Western Washington, save for the foothills, by Sunday morning.

The situation could be particularly dire along the far north coast, where you will get a combination of heavy snow and very strong winds. A rare BLIZZARD WARNING is in effect there.

At least I had a nice dream. I didn't want to wake up. It was everything I want in life, and I would have been just fine staying asleep forever. I was so disappointed when I woke up. Some of my bad dreams come true, so maybe, just maybe, this good one will.

Seven Pounds

WOW. Good movie! Very heavy, very intense. I'm glad I sat in the back row because I was blubbering into my scarf. The pic is of me STILL crying after the movie in the theatre bathroom. I waited until everyone left because I was embarrassed. It struck a few heart strings for me, as I'm sure it will for many. I can't tell you much about it, just go see it not knowing anything. It will make sense later. It's deep.

Oh, and it is TEN outside, and a tad slippery, but I'm so glad I got out. I needed that!

All Dressed Up

I'm going to the movies! Will be seeing "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith. I may even grab a burger. I'll give a full report when I get back. Screw you, snow and ice!

Kinda Cold

This is how cold it is, look at those icicles! They could, in all seriousness, kill someone. Which I might do if I can't leave my house soon.

I've never seen it like this here. Also, look at the table! So many inches I've lost count. At least the sun is out. I GOTTA get out of here! I've got to try and get to the movies or something, cabin fever is no joke, people.

Ms. Maggie ate the wrapping paper tube. The WHOLE THING. She apparently has cabin fever, too. Now she'll have the shits. Perfect.

Snow day # 3

Do you know what's REALLY neat? We are supposed to get a nifty little windstorm tomorrow with sustained winds 50-70 mph with gusts up to 90 mph. No power with no fireplace, AWESOME! CrazyDogMama on a popsicle stick! Crap on a cracker.

Leaving Normal

Watching "Leaving Normal" in bed. Great flick; an old favorite. There is 14 inches of snow outside freezing into solid ice. I'm just trying to stay warm.

Extreme Randomness

A.K.A. "Cher's Losing It"

I need to take a shower and wash my hair. I need to do something other than blog, sleep and eat.

The dogs stay warm by wedging themselves into my butt on the couch, and it takes a pry bar to get them loose.

If you eat Christmas Oreos with red filling, I guarantee you will think you are bleeding somewhere at some point afterward. Not that I would know. Ha.

Oh, and someone sent me Wu-Yi tea. I have no idea who, but thanks! It's supposed to help really fat people lose weight. What are you trying to say, huh?

 The weirdest crap happens to me. There are so many anonymous and/or secret people in my life. What is up with that?

I don't mean to sound like an ingrate or anything.

I know I am blessed. I always seem to get what I need and then some. My heart just hurts a little and I'm scared a little, too. I'm actually thinking about all those people downtown right now that are covering themselves with newspaper and freezing to death. Since I don't have any money to give right now, I'm thinking maybe I need to go give my time at the gospel mission. Washing dishes, cleaning toilets, whatever they need. You never know, I could be one of them some day with the way the world is going. Sometimes I lack faith and hope in certain things.

I'm super grumpy.

One minute I'm pissy and the next I'm crying. I don't know if it's the huge loss of money, being stuck in this house or maybe I'm premenstrual. I don't even know when my period is supposed to start; I stopped keeping track of such things. Which is exactly what you needed to know, right? I'm sorry, I have a lot on my mind. I'm not all festive like everyone else at the moment.

So. Much. Snow.

The dogs don't know what to do, the snow is higher than they are. I'm getting cabin fever already. I'm pacing.