What in the hell am I doing?

This is the title of my post. It should be my mantra. Have you ever thought this? This is a daily conversation I have with myself. What in the HELL am I doing?

What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? This is not even close to where I thought I'd be at 37. Not that I thought I was going to be a rockstar or anything, but usually people have SOMETHING figured out by now. Not me. It's not a midlife crisis, I don't need to relive my youth, I'm GLAD to be done with that. I've definitely gained some life wisdom, but I'm stuck. What now? I still need to move, not run, just move. I still have unfinished business. Sometimes I do the dumbest things and say the dumbest things. I also TYPE the dumbest things. But that's OK. Live and learn. You want to know something weird? I was in a pretty good mood today, then I went to bed and got all teary. The joys of being a woman, I guess. I got up because I thought it was ridiculous to be feeling and acting this way, and now I'm writing, because that's what I do when I'm restless and twitchy. I write. It's my therapy, and my outlet. The movie I just saw had a line in it that really got to me. It is what turned on the waterworks. A female in the movie said, "My life has been unremarkable in every way." I feel like that sometimes. Life is not about money or success or things or fame, but people. It's about people. I wonder if I have had an impact on anyone, ever. I'm sure I probably have, but it still makes me wonder. Have I been too selfish? Have I been too self-involved to see others? I reach out a lot, but usually manage to push everything and everyone farther away. That's probably why I like dogs. Crap, I don't even know where this post is going! I'm just blindly writing and letting whatever is in there, come out. That is the beauty of writing for me, to just spill out what is on the inside and try to make sense of it. I never really expected anyone to read it. Maybe no one is. Why is contentment and/or happiness so elusive? It's not like I'm the only one who struggles with this. In fact, I believe the majority of people are either in this same place right now or have been at some point in their lives. If I could just get a handle on a direction, then maybe I could get focused. I don't know. Someday this dark cloud will dissipate, but for now, I have questions.

Are you content? Is this all there is? What in the hell am I doing?