I don't know what to do about anything.

I can't work anymore today, I'm going home. I'm really sick of drama and chaos. I just want normal. For once in my life, I just want normal. No one wants to pay worth a damn right now. I'm hoping for one thing to come through, but I don't know. Maybe I'll just be Bohemian again and wait tables and live in apartment. What do you think? No? Up all night, sleep all day? I told you I was in a crappy mood.

You know what strikes me funny right now? The illusion of control. If you think you have control of ANYTHING, you are fooling yourself. You have free will, but no control. Trust me. Like when you are driving a car. You can exercise your free will to follow the rules of the road, go the speed limit, wear your seat belt, and you "feel" in control of the car. But you could get sideswiped. A meteor could fall on you. A deer could run out in front of you. Then you would lose control, because you NEVER HAD IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. That works with any scenario I can think of. You came to my blog today. You were in control of where you surfed the internet, right? Wrong. You used your free will to come here, a decision you made, but what if there was an EMP and all of a sudden no internet was available? What if I deleted my blog? No control. Just free will to make decisions based on availability and other factors. Why did you come to my blog today? (You are probably asking yourself that very question right now.) You have a weird free will, that's why.

Anyway, off of that rant.

I have decided that free will and decision making can suck sometimes. It would be nice right now to just have someone pointing me in the right direction. Petting my head and feeding me Bon-Bons. So much is at stake for me, and I'm just pooped out.

Don't take it personal.

I'm in a super crappy mood. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I don't want to do ANYTHING except sleep right now, and I can't. Sometimes I feel like crying because I'm so tired. Does that sound stupid? I'm tired of throwing up too. That shit needs to stop. If I am short with you today, don't take it personal.

Getting ready to party!

Feeling better this morning, thank God because I have a Halloween party to throw tomorrow night! AAHH!

Not well.

I've not been well today. I haven't kept anything down since after lunch. Must have eaten something bad. I've also been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Meeting with recruiters, phone interviews, and emails. I'm also trying to get my work project done while all this is going on. Just trying to keep it together. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Best Quote

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

Laptops & Lazy Dogs

I was able to score a new laptop! Like I said earlier, I have awesome people in my life. It's a Sony Vaio T5750 from Costco. The dogs were less than thrilled, though, LOL.

Yes, that is a cauldron of candy next to the computer, in case you were wondering. It's awesome, and I will eat every piece, thankyouverymuch.

Sorting Out My Thoughts

I'm lying in bed, not sleeping of course. So many things going through my head. When I blog, it helps me sort out my thoughts, even though I can't write all of them. It is like I'm talking to someone, an old friend or something. I never really envision talking to the masses, but just one special person. That is why I make it personal. I am talking just to you. You and I, sitting and chatting. Want something to eat? I'm thinking of making a sweet pumpkin loaf. Then we could have some good coffee to go with it. Sound good?

Laying here feels different tonight. I feel slightly paralyzed, like something or someone is holding me down, or not allowing me to move much. I feel alone, empty in a way. I'm asking God what to do. Do I do the smart, rational thing and just take a similar job, or do I do something radical? Should I play it safe or risk everything? The world is a crazy place right now and I have some feelings about what will transpire (globally) before the end of the year. I think some may be very surprised. Risk is risky. But then again, no one gets out of here alive.

I have applied for some jobs in both Texas and California, and I have a pretty good prospect right here in WA, too. My friends, family and coworkers have been so great to me, I owe so many people my life, and I would gladly do anything for any of them. The trouble is, I know what I want, but the decisions to get there can be tricky. Then there is this; is what I want good for me? Is there such a thing as destiny? Fate? I'm just an ordinary person, but these are things I ponder.

Everything is starting to sink in now.

I'm not sure how to feel. I'm hopeful, but scared, doing alright, yet very sad. I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I was really strong at work, but now I'm intermittently crying a little. So many unknowns are overwhelming. Over the last year I have been completely SLAMMED from any and all comfort zones. It's weird. This has all happened for a reason, I know that for sure.

I lost my job.

I'm employed through the middle of November to finish up some projects and I received an INSANELY awesome severance package. They are devastated over having to do the layoffs, it isn't anything that anyone did or didn't do, it's the economy. I'm in good spirits, however, because some pretty great opportunities have presented themselves to me. I won't be able to talk about those right away of course, though. Going home for the day to regroup and process this news.

I don't know anything yet.

Big meeting tomorrow morning at work; I'll know then. Another fun night of wondering. You know what? I'm ready for something good to happen to me. I really am. More than just my job scenario. I want to be happy for at least a little while. Please God? Live my dream for a day? Maybe 2 days?

Well, here I go.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. At a certain point I just shut off. You have to. Wish me luck. I do wish I could talk to my dad right now. I don't know why I'm thinking of this, but I remember when I was first a cop, my dad was so excited. My mom was freaking out, but my dad was excited. He bought a scanner so he could try and listen to my radio calls. I was good on the radio, maybe I should do dispatch. Sadly, it's not enough money. I have to go now; you'll know when I know.

Bill Paying Ambiance

Paying bills with my friend here. It's kind of appropriate.

Welcome to my world.

I'm very anxious tonight. I can't seem to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I'm on the verge of pacing. Have you ever felt like something big was going to happen? Or have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you were going to break in two? Can't follow my thoughts? Welcome to my world.

Doesn't get much more pitiful than this.

Someone come up with a caption for this one.

I need to pee, mom!

Mom, GET UP! It's time for breakfast and if you don't let me out, I will pee on the floor!

What do you wake up to?

Feeling Strange

I'm feeling very strange tonight. I don't know if I'm afraid of the layoffs or if I'm afraid of being a Documentation Specialist the rest of my life. I have to make a certain amount of money to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, so it's not like I have some grand opportunity to reinvent my work life. If I do have to get back out there and interview, it won't feel exciting and new like it did back in my 20's. It will feel like I'm just searching for a new cube. A new commute. I work hard, I take pride in doing my best and I thank my Lord for each and every paycheck. I haven't been let down, I seem to always have enough, I think I'm just having a midlife crisis or something. I want (and try) to be optimistic and hopeful and positive, but honestly, I just wake up every day and try to make it through. It's no way to live, I can tell you that, but what do I do to change it? I've tried what seems like everything. Something is just missing.

I keep having the same dream over and over again. It is actually a wonderful dream instead of the nightmares I usually have, but the problem is when I open my eyes and realize it isn't real, and that it's not something I can "make" real, I get depressed. Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but thanks for reading all the same. Goodnight my dear readers, even if I don't know you.

The Spitfire Grill

I just finished a really, really good movie. It is older, but it was a good time for me to see it. If you get a chance, watch "The Spitfire Grill", you won't be disappointed!

Too Old

I'm never ever drinking that much again ever. I'm too old for that shit. I had to sit in my car until I was OK to drive, then later crash at my mom's because I have a headlight out and I live too far out. STUPID. I haven't done that in years and I forgot what a lightweight I was.

Now I get to clean the house with a hangover and wonder all weekend if I'll have a job on Monday. That is, if they tell us then. I'm in kind of a bad mood so I'll blog later. I just wanted to let my friends know I was alive.

Somebody needs to drive me home.

Stand by, busy getting lit with my co-workers who may not be my co-workers on Monday. It's funny, they keep buying me shots but nobody else is having them. Working with all men is fun.

NOTE: You know I'm drunk when I post the same pic twice. I've since deleted it, but WOW.

So Many Things

I have so many things to talk about and share, I don't even know where to start. Give me some time to think about it and collect myself. I'm SUPER busy right now with a side of insane, so be patient. Thanks.