Feeling Strange

I'm feeling very strange tonight. I don't know if I'm afraid of the layoffs or if I'm afraid of being a Documentation Specialist the rest of my life. I have to make a certain amount of money to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, so it's not like I have some grand opportunity to reinvent my work life. If I do have to get back out there and interview, it won't feel exciting and new like it did back in my 20's. It will feel like I'm just searching for a new cube. A new commute. I work hard, I take pride in doing my best and I thank my Lord for each and every paycheck. I haven't been let down, I seem to always have enough, I think I'm just having a midlife crisis or something. I want (and try) to be optimistic and hopeful and positive, but honestly, I just wake up every day and try to make it through. It's no way to live, I can tell you that, but what do I do to change it? I've tried what seems like everything. Something is just missing.

I keep having the same dream over and over again. It is actually a wonderful dream instead of the nightmares I usually have, but the problem is when I open my eyes and realize it isn't real, and that it's not something I can "make" real, I get depressed. Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but thanks for reading all the same. Goodnight my dear readers, even if I don't know you.