Welcome to my world.

I'm very anxious tonight. I can't seem to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I'm on the verge of pacing. Have you ever felt like something big was going to happen? Or have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you were going to break in two? Can't follow my thoughts? Welcome to my world.

Doesn't get much more pitiful than this.

Someone come up with a caption for this one.

I need to pee, mom!

Mom, GET UP! It's time for breakfast and if you don't let me out, I will pee on the floor!

What do you wake up to?

Feeling Strange

I'm feeling very strange tonight. I don't know if I'm afraid of the layoffs or if I'm afraid of being a Documentation Specialist the rest of my life. I have to make a certain amount of money to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, so it's not like I have some grand opportunity to reinvent my work life. If I do have to get back out there and interview, it won't feel exciting and new like it did back in my 20's. It will feel like I'm just searching for a new cube. A new commute. I work hard, I take pride in doing my best and I thank my Lord for each and every paycheck. I haven't been let down, I seem to always have enough, I think I'm just having a midlife crisis or something. I want (and try) to be optimistic and hopeful and positive, but honestly, I just wake up every day and try to make it through. It's no way to live, I can tell you that, but what do I do to change it? I've tried what seems like everything. Something is just missing.

I keep having the same dream over and over again. It is actually a wonderful dream instead of the nightmares I usually have, but the problem is when I open my eyes and realize it isn't real, and that it's not something I can "make" real, I get depressed. Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but thanks for reading all the same. Goodnight my dear readers, even if I don't know you.

The Spitfire Grill

I just finished a really, really good movie. It is older, but it was a good time for me to see it. If you get a chance, watch "The Spitfire Grill", you won't be disappointed!

Too Old

I'm never ever drinking that much again ever. I'm too old for that shit. I had to sit in my car until I was OK to drive, then later crash at my mom's because I have a headlight out and I live too far out. STUPID. I haven't done that in years and I forgot what a lightweight I was.

Now I get to clean the house with a hangover and wonder all weekend if I'll have a job on Monday. That is, if they tell us then. I'm in kind of a bad mood so I'll blog later. I just wanted to let my friends know I was alive.

Somebody needs to drive me home.

Stand by, busy getting lit with my co-workers who may not be my co-workers on Monday. It's funny, they keep buying me shots but nobody else is having them. Working with all men is fun.

NOTE: You know I'm drunk when I post the same pic twice. I've since deleted it, but WOW.

So Many Things

I have so many things to talk about and share, I don't even know where to start. Give me some time to think about it and collect myself. I'm SUPER busy right now with a side of insane, so be patient. Thanks.

Washing your hands with toothpaste.

I learned this morning that washing your hands with toothpaste isn't the best idea. I was half asleep and I use Mentadent toothpaste which stands upright just like my soap dispenser, which is right next to it. I'm just glad I didn't use soap to brush my teeth.

Haagen-Dazs can go to hell.

They have stopped making "Chocolate Chocolate Chip". WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?

I'm watching "Lake Dead" from Horrorfest 2007 to take my mind off of things. It would be NICE to have my favorite ice cream, but NO. 

Need AK47 & rooftop.

What a day. Let me see if I can describe it in short words and phrases: Limbo-land, email insanity, phone ringing off the hook, need a cigarette, calm panic, ulcer, contacts galore, resumes, rumors, tired, hungry, headache, frustrated, need AK47 & rooftop.

Predicament

Just the little bit of traveling I did wore me the hell out. I got home and crashed. I am looking at everything I have to do, including the pile of bills I have to pay, which reminds me of my predicament. I need to figure out how to get a computer, and FAST.

I'm home.

Flight was pretty uneventful except the ugly obnoxious kid sitting in front of me kept farting. It was BAD.

Back to work tomorrow, won't know anything until next week. Just going to kick back and relax the rest of the day. No more fun Cali pics for a while. Poo.

Is it too early to drink?

Getting ready to board. No Crackberry for 3 whole hours! I'll get twitchy. Is it too early to drink?

I haven't been on an airplane since 2001.

I've heard it's changed a bit since then. I have to go home today and face reality. I guess if I get laid-off, I can come back.

Way better than working.

I need someone to lay in the sun with. It's kinda boring by yourself. Way better than working, though.

Everyone is so friendly!

You know what I like about California? Everyone is so friendly! I did a little shopping today and stopped to get a coffee while my mom was doing her errands, and I got doors held open for me by men (that is a BIG plus in my book), smiles from everyone I walked by, and had a fun little chat with the little barista girl who was as cute as a button. It all put me in good mood! Back home I might as well be invisible. Men let doors slam in my face and store clerks grunt at me even if I compliment them. When are people going to learn that NICE goes a long way? I give huge tips when my service is friendly. Plus, it always comes back to you when you go the extra mile. Just my advice for the day.

It's hot! Finally! I ran upstairs to put my swimsuit on and promptly got poolside. My mom and I are going out to a nice dinner for my last night, so I get to dress up. Well, not super fancy, but you know, put my hair up and wear bling.

Perfect Breakfast

OMG, fresh squeezed orange juice (right off the tree!) and an egg-white quiche fresh out of the oven! Perfect breakfast. Have no idea what to do for my last day, but it is going to include the sun.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now.

Can't sleep tonight. I can't complain either, though, because I've had some of the best sleep here in the last few days than I've had in a while.

I'm out on the patio off my bedroom gazing at the stars (and blogging). I am guzzling water, too. Carl's Jr. make me thirsty. Other than smelling the California fires in the distance, it is really nice out here. I can see Orion, and the Big and Little Dippers. I am surprised I can see the stars so clearly here. It is not as quiet as back home, but it is peaceful. I don't believe in Astrology, I actually think it's kind of dumb (sorry), but Astronomy fascinates me. I could look at the stars for hours.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now, and what I will be doing. It's scary and exciting to think about it. My mom said something along those lines tonight, she wondered what the next year would bring. She asked me what I was doing this time last year and one of the perks of having a blog is, I could tell her. I had just smashed my thumb into oblivion. LOL. I had no idea back then what was in store for me. Isn't it funny how you really never can guess what life is going to do? Yes, it has been a tough year, and there are many people I miss, but there were some good things too. Some good things that changed my life. I didn't see any of it coming, but I'm glad about that. Bad surprises and good surprises. And many more to come.

Right now? I'm just trying to live in the moment.

Left alone with my thoughts.

You wanted to see more pictures of my feet, right? That's what I thought. Here they are, kicking and splashing in the pool. At night.

My mom went to bed, and I've been left alone with my thoughts. This is where the problem lies. I'm thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm scared. Everyone keeps saying it will be alright, and not to worry, but I feel alone, even though I'm married. It is hard to have hope sometimes; being human and all. There is nothing I can do about anything that is happening (or not happening) to me. I pray that God will give me peace regardless of where I end up.