Anxiety Disorder

Believe me when I tell you, you don't want one. I really thought I was the last person that would ever get one, mainly because very little really scares me. Well, it's not really about fear in that sense, it is about keeping too much emotion inside and not letting yourself deal with it. Everyone "stresses", about money, relationships, etc., but when you are in a constant state of stress with no relief and no outlet for it, you develop a lovely "anxiety disorder". I would always just shove everything aside and tell myself I would "deal with it later". I had to maintain my cool, and I had responsibilities to tend to. However, "later" never really came, and then when big things started happening all at once, I kind of shut down in a sense. Even though I can still function at work, etc., I finally had to face some ugly realities about how much your body (and mind) can take. I'm not (clinically) nuts or emotionally unstable or anything like that (don't laugh), but I'm having to learn to decompress. I can't fix everything. I'm not responsible for other people's behavior. It is OK to tell people how you really feel. It is OK to think about your own needs once in a while.

Having an anxiety attack (for me) is not usually dramatic. In fact, you may not have any clue I'm having one. There have been times of "freaking out", but mostly I just start to feel overwhelmed like I have to get away from everyone and everything. It makes me physically ill sometimes, but it cleverly disguises itself as a headache or nausea.

My therapist has had me doing EEG Biofeedback, which is a cool neurotherapy that sends signals to the brain to calm down. (It's not shock therapy, LOL!) My brain essentially has been "overstimulated", but I am happy to report that the technique is working and I'm chilling out! I also take medication, but I really hate pills and my goal is to get the root of my problems and not just bandaid them.

It is a really interesting and drug-free way to deal with anxiety, so I wrote about this today to help anyone out there who might want an alternative way to approach their stress. I will answer any questions you may have about it, feel free to ask.

OOPS

So, I thought I was being a good girl yesterday by sitting underneath the umbrella table in the shade. I wasn't in the mood to bask in the sun, and it was way too hot anyway. Unfortunately, though, I'm retarded. The sun moves throughout the day (here's where my education comes in) and as it did that, a patch of sunlight would hit my arm or leg periodically. I didn't think much of it. Until this morning. I look like an Italian tablecloth. The top of my left foot is burnt, but not my right. The back of my neck and shoulders are burnt, but not my chest. (Had my hair up.) My right arm is burnt, but not my left, and I'm also "trouting". Trouting is where the top of your forearm is tan (or burnt in my case), and when you turn it over, white as can be. Like a trout. (The fish, you know? Their backs are dark, their bellies are white.) Trouting. Yes. So, in the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "IDIOT!, GOSH!"

This is the best I can come up with today.

Because I'm that damn exciting. I'm in a sucky mood (what's new) and I'm hot and bored. Lou-dog laying in the shade, and Magadog eating ice cubes. Whoop-dee-doo.

Making Plans

So, the vacation is a go! I am feeling blessed! Thank you, GOD! You heard my plea! I can't even tell you how much I need to get away from my life right now. To just chill and relax. I've already made reservations for Maggie (poor Magadog!) to stay at the Paradise Pet Lodge because she just can't handle traveling. I have to take Louie with me because I can't afford to board both dogs, and he doesn't freak out like Maggie does. I will be throwing him into the pool with me, though. I feel bad leaving one behind, but I have no choice. It is a really nice little kennel, though.

Now I just need to get all my work done, train somebody for when I'm gone and get a few tank tops and summer things. I will take lots and lots of pictures and blog via Crackberry. For once, I will have something different to blog about. It will be a nice change, huh?

I can't wait to lay on the beach and go body surfing! Among some other fun things.

I remember #4 now.

Let me explain. #4 was from the last blog post that I could not remember. Here it is. My blog was flagged for "objectionable content" today. LOL! I feel like a bad girl, like I'm running a blog brothel or something. I'm thinking it is due to my colorful language on occasion. Not suitable for children. I, period, am not suitable for children. Just so you know. Although it's weird, when I am around children, they swarm around me like flies. They love me. I have no idea why. I went to see a friend not too long ago and her little girl was pulling me all over the place showing me her toys, wanting me to braid her hair, etc. Now, I'm not a big fan of kids, but I'm a total and complete push over. I get suckered into playing with all the kids while the adults have fun. I'll be sitting in the middle of the floor with them crawling all over me and I'll have this look on my face like "HELP ME PLEASE".

Went to dinner with my mom tonight, and just got home. We were going through 1000's of pictures that she brought back with her from my grandma's house. OMG. I was naked ALL THE TIME as a child. Seriously, they could not keep clothes on me until I was like, 12. I had pure white-blonde hair and a very tan little body. I won't post those, but there are a few not-so-naked pics that had me rolling on the floor. I'll have to do some scanning. You guys will die.

Just a few things.

#1 - I don't do fast food that often, but I found something really yummy. Wendy's spicy chicken go-wraps. MMMM.

#2 - Yes, I am wearing underwear today. I only go commando once in a while when I get behind on laundry.

#3 - Yes, I actually keep my Crackberry in my bra on occasion. I have big boobies and I can fit lots of stuff in there when I'm not carrying a purse. Sometimes people look at me funny when my boobie rings or vibrates and I reach in there and pull out the Crackberry.

#4 - I can't remember what #4 was supposed to be. It will come to me.

Blogger Award

Well, what do you know, I got a blogger award! It's from the very funny, and very sweet "Juice".

I am in a GOOD mood today! Don't fall over. What is going on you say? Well, vacation may be back on! Sometimes complaining DOES work! I'm going to have a big garage sale and sell everything, so I have money for the vacation. Really, the only things I need to survive are: Crackberry, Laptop, Camera, and Ezmerelda (my vehicle). I love my SUV, make fun of me if you want, but its comfy and big, and has leather seats, a butt warmer and a sunroof. 'Nuff said. Anyway, I will put off wanting to die until the end of August.

Here is where I will (hopefully) be staying for free. It's a real hell hole. HA.

One Word MEME from BOA

Where is your cell phone? Bra
Where is your significant other? Unknown
Your hair? Up
Your mother? Skinny
Your father? Heaven
Your favorite thing? Crackberry
Your dream last night? Trouble
Your favorite drink? Mocha
Your dream/goal? Happiness
The room you're in? Cubical
Your hobby? Photography
Your fear? God
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Unknown
Where were you last night? Home
What you're not? Normal
Muffins? Sweater (What? You’ve never heard of sweater muffins? LOL.)
One of your Wishlist items? Vacation
Where you grew up? Redmond
Last thing you did? Internet
What are you wearing? Blue
Your TV? Overused
Your pets? Ornery
Your computer? Laptop
Your life? Rollercoaster
Your mood? Sad
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? Saturn
Something you're not wearing? Underwear
Favorite store? Amazon
Your summer? Disappointing
Like someone? Yes
Your favorite color? Purple
When is the last time you laughed? Tuesday
Last time you cried? Monday

I have some wisdom today.

#1 - Do not ever go the gym angry. Your body will HATE you the next day. I cannot move and it's giving me a headache. Ow.

#2 - If you have misplaced some items and want to find them, here's what you do. Get in your car and drive about 80 miles an hour, then for no reason at all, slam on your brakes. Everything you've lost will come rolling out from underneath the seats. I found my mascara, a book and my water bottle.

I had the day from hell yesterday and was in a REALLY bad mood. Those are really fun. I'm still not in a good way, but I read two nice blog entries today and I was inspired. I'm trying to just keep plugging away, even if there feels like no reason to. I don't know why everything has to be so hard. I feel like I'm being put to some kind of test or something. Really, that's what it feels like. That is the perfect way to describe it. I can't remember what movie it is, but I think it was Charlie Sheen (of all people) who was doing it, maybe Platoon? Anyway, the scene is where he is kneeling and leaning back with his legs underneath him and he has his arms stretched out back behind him with his head tilted toward the sky. He is wailing and screaming, the kind of wailing where the very depth of your soul is crying out. That's what I've been feeling like. The kind of angst where your whole body is reacting. Where you've just had about all you can take of everything. You know the saying that "God won't give you more than you can handle"? God must think I can handle a lot, let me tell you. But I do have a roof over my head, food to eat, a good job and my health (for now). So, I'm blessed more than some. It is easy to feel sorry for yourself, but really, what a waste of time.

Don't get too attached to your money.

Financial chaos is ensuing. The stock market is continuing to tank and so is the dollar. Mark my words. I have no money, so I'm not all in a tizzy over it, but the world is coming unglued everywhere. I'm not even going to bother to post articles. Just turn on the 'censored' news, it's even on there. War with Iran coming? Probably. I'm all positive and cheery today. Just an FYI.

Life is Wonderful?

Remember that wonderful, much needed 2-week vacation in the land of sun and fun I was looking forward to the first two weeks in August? The vacation I was hyped about because I haven't been out of the Seattle area since 2001? The one where I would get two weeks off in A ROW which is something I haven't done in 10 years? Yeah, it's not going to happen. I don't know why I'm surprised. I still have the time off, but there is no point in taking it, because it is all I've got, and I don't want to waste it sitting on my big fat ass doing nothing. I may take a week and clean my home office. Awesome.

That is all I'm going to say about it. Don't ask because I FEEL like driving off a motherfucking cliff right now. I do not care about my cussing. I just don't care. Yup. In a good mood.

Monday Blues

I'm even listening to the blues. Ever heard of Candy Dulfer? ("Lily was Here" is really good.) No one my age has. I'm sure all my friends will be making fun of my eclectic taste in music at any moment, but nevertheless that's what I'm listening to this morning. A little jazz and some blues. I listen to music that goes with my mood. It could be AC/DC, it could be Country, it could be Jazz, or it could be the Blues. Whatever I'm feeling, I like everything. I'm also listening to "When the Lights Go Out" by The Black Keys. It's sexy music to me. Go figure. When I put together my photography site, I think I will use the Black Keys song as the background music, most of my photography has a "dark" element to it, so it would fit.

Herb Garden Project

I got (a little bit) of lead out. I kicked myself in the butt and decided to beautify my herb garden. It needed A LOT of help. I have been neglecting it. I am by no means a gardener, AT ALL. In fact, I am quite the black thumb. However, God as my witness, I'm trying to get better. I do love to cook with fresh herbs, and I inherited my dad's herbs, so I want to preserve them. I completely replanted my bowl in the stand with cilantro and dill, and also replanted and resoiled some parsley and chives. I just cut back and pruned the rest. I even scrubbed all of the pots and cedar planters! I killed the little tree that I got when my dad died, but my mom gave me hers, and I have actually kept it alive! And it's GROWING! So anyway, it took me a few hours, and I destroyed my French manicure, but I got some great before and after shots. I'm proud of myself! I also took a picture of my new bamboo plant. Love it!

I've literally been in bed ALL day.

There is something wrong with me. Who does that? I got up to pee. Let the dogs out. But then I just go right back to bed. I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. I'm not hungry. I still have a mess to clean up from Friday. Don't want to. Which isn't like me, I can't stand a mess. I'm forcing myself to get up right now. I'm forcing myself to blog. I had nightmares, so it wasn't restful sleep. I guess I should be thankful I got some sleep instead of the insomnia craziness. OK, that's all I've got in me.

It's going around.

I went and helped a friend today, and she is in bad shape like many of the rest of us. I just don't know what is happening, everywhere I turn, someone is going through hell. I got two more emails from friends in "dark places". I am feeling dark myself. I think I took too many anxiety pills yesterday. Someone could have blown up the house and I wouldn't have cared. Being numb is NOT good, though. However, sometimes feeling hopeless is just too much. I came home and collapsed, and I haven't even eaten. The friend I went and helped is feeling very overwhelmed, and I am feeling much the same way with all that is in front of me. The sad leading the sad is worse than the blind leading the blind. It is weird when you are in a funk, no matter how many people you have around you, you still feel alone. I know some of you guys out there are feeling that right now. Intense aloneness. I have no wisdom at the moment.

Sleeping Beauties. I'm so evil.

It's over, and I survived.

Except now I have 4 teenagers crashed out in my living room for the night.

They are watching my horror movies and eating my potato chips. It's kind of funny, you have to step over bodies no matter which way you go. (My house is a whopping 1100 square feet.) Here are a bunch of pics from the day. The dogs were more entertaining than the fireworks. You'll see why.

KABOOM.

My loving stepson just set off an M80 behind me without my knowledge. I almost dropped my Crackberry. NOT FUNNY.

Where's my Klonopin?

My Mother-In-Law brought the decorations and help set up my 4th of July party. My mom came up, and my stepson and his friends are coming later, along with my neighbor. I hope this goes well, I'm nervous.

Happy 4th of July!

I should be straightening up the house right now, but I'm not. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Jump out of a perfectly good airplane with a smile on my face? Sure! Wrestle a dangerous criminal to the ground and arrest him? Bring it! Stand outside jumping up and down with glee during an intense lightning and thunderstorm with metal all around me? Fun! Chase a dine-and-dasher out of a restaurant parking lot and tackle him in my apron? Awesome! Have family and some people I don't know well over for a BBQ on Independence Day? Take an extra anxiety pill and hide in my office blogging. I'm a whack job. Pure and simple. I make no sense. Death? No problem! Family and friends? HELP ME.

I'm sure you'll hear from me periodically throughout the day. I'll be the one in the corner taking pictures playing with her Crackberry. Social anxiety, yup. I do like blowing stuff up, though, and my neighborhood is always WWIII.