Questions you were asking yourself 3 years ago.

1. WTF is that big thing in the jungle?
2. What on earth did she DO?
3. How the hell do that many people survive a plane crash?
4. Who the fuck is the guy in the suit who keeps appearing and then disappearing?
5. Why do I want to punch the ditzy blonde so badly?
6. Why does the cute guy who looks like Viggo Mortensen have such a 'tude?
7. Is the old guy just a bit off, or is it me?
8. Why was the dog hiding?
9. When is the Asian chick going to get all up in her husband's grill about being such a fucker?

YES, I am finally watching LOST. I love it! I can't believe I waited this long to see it. I have watched the first 4 episodes and going to watch more tonight. DO NOT RUIN IT FOR ME, if you tell me spoilers, I will hunt you down and let my dogs eat you.

What Cheryl Needs.

This is a funny Meme from Annie. What you do is google your name + "needs", then write down what comes up, so I did. Cheryl needs lots of things.

1. Cheryl needs to write some functions to figure out how that happened. (Um, what? Sure. I write functions all the time.)

2. Cheryl needs to stop sending me dirty emails. (Yeah, baby, I'm so bad!)

3. Cheryl needs to have an affair. (NO, Cheryl doesn't! Ha! She would get kicked in the twat for that one.)

4. Cheryl needs a good slap. (Yes, she certainly does. Probably for the dirty emails. LOL.)

My God.

This is terrible.

Greensburg, Kansas - F5 Tornado damage, aerial view.

Microwave Massacre

Yes, I actually rented this movie. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm betting that I will like it based on this blurb I found on badmovies.org:

Things I Learned From "Microwave Massacre":

1. Every movie should begin with drum music and a girl's breasts flopping around.
2. A three pound crab is pretty frightening.
3. Food shouldn't match your furniture.
4. Guys like girls with large breasts for their personality.
5. If you don't like what's for dinner, get a mouthful of water and spit it into the food.
6. Girls: Your marriage is in trouble if the hubby throws a fit then urinates in the living room.
7. People stay fresh longer in aluminum foil.
8. Two things not to say when picking up a girl: "You're not used to being on your feet." and "You look a lot better in the dark."
9. Everyone keeps a hatchet in the kitchen.
10. Never dress like a chicken around cannibals.
11. Doctors use syringes as darts.
12. Vibrators make good gardening tools. (You heard me right, and there is no way in Hell I'm explaining.)

ROFLMAO!

Hangin' with my Peeps.

I crack myself up.

Irritated

For the horrific price of $100, we can both get our gas tanks filled! OMG. Gas prices SUCK. How in the hell are we supposed to pay this? It keeps going up! I used to be able to fill my tank for $13. The world is coming to an end.

Oh, and its National "Take your damn kids to work" day, and my work HONORS this. I get to work with a bunch of screaming brats today. Can you say MONGOLIAN CLUSTER FUCK? I knew you could.

Thinking Blogger Award

I was awarded a Thinking Blogger Award by Annie, can you believe it? THINKING? ME? BA-HA!! Wasn't aware I did that. Especially here at the CDM bloggery. Nevertheless, she said some incredibly wonderful things about me, and I am eternally grateful. She is the sweetest and funniest girl I've ever met, and I'm honored to be her friend. We were inseparable at one time and have some seriously great memories. We don't see each other much now because we live a bit far and she has a new baby who is SO CUTE YOU WANT TO CHEW ON HIS LITTLE TOES that keeps her busy, but when we do have a chance to get together, it is like no time has passed at all.

How this works:

1. If (and only if) you are tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

I would put Annie's blog as my first Thinking Blogger Award, but I probably can't do that since she's already gotten one and that would be breaking the rules, but just so she knows I would pick her, and OMG this is a major run-on sentence so whatever.

OK, here goes:

1. BOA (Broke and Angry) - Always a treat to read. He is very passionate about illegal aliens and Wells Fargo. All around a nice whiner that will make you laugh. Also, newly married, which makes him a prime target for us old married folks to tease and give stupid advice to!

2. Yogagirl - She is great! She is a yoga instructor and knows everything about yoga. She is inspiring and funny and also a sweetheart, one of the very first blogs I read, and we bonded nicely because she has a really cute fuzzy doggie! She is also quite possibly the best decorator EVER.

3. Otter - This Southern belle is HYSTERICAL. Not only does she write well, she, like, KNOWS PHYSICS and shit! She was my very first commentor. She also has a cute little baby boy and is a jewelry maker, knitter and cook extraordinaire!

4. Skwigg - Skwigg is AWESOME. If you want to lose weight or become a ninja fighter, she's your girl! Seriously! I would not want to piss Skwigg off. She is also funny and real and a super interesting person. Even if you aren't into fitness, she will keep you entertained with her 3 crazy dogs. She is definitely an honorary CrazyDogMama!

5. Spank Your Inner Moppet - Colleen! Not only a great writer, but witty and sweet! She cracks me up too, and you guessed it! A cute doggie! She will also kick your ass ninja-style.

Well, I have to say, it was very difficult to pick only 5. There are so many of you that I would put up there! Basically, if you are on my links list, I wanted to nominate you. I love you all! You all keep me continually inspired to blog!

HERE IS SOME MORE CONTENT FOR THIS POST, AS IF IT WASN'T LONG ENOUGH ALREADY:

I was also tagged to do an "interview", and Annie over at "yerdoingitwrong" asked me these questions, so now I'm going to answer them. If someone wants me to interview them, let me know! Don't expect me to do it quickly, though, because I'm a lazy ass.

1.) You've been married a long damn time. What three pieces of advice would you give to someone just starting their journey?

Wow. I have been married a long time. Almost 13 years. Crap. I guess my first piece of advice would be to let the little things go. Don't get all amped up over dumb shit. Two, um, when you fight (and you know you will) don't bring up crap from the past, stick to topic. If you don't, every little thing you have ever done will bite you in the ass. Three, enjoy each other. Make sure you take advantage of all the things you like about your spouse. If you like movies, watch a lot of movies together, if you like to talk, chat it up, if you like theme parks, go! Be best friends.

2.) If you could spend a month anywhere and money was not an issue, where would you go and why?

Hmm. I guess I would travel Europe with my hubby. Germany, Italy, France, those places. He has been there and has always wanted to take me. I have been NO WHERE. Seriously. I've been to like, 3 fucking states. That are close by. I need some culture. Although, laying on the beach drinking margaritas in Bora Bora for a month doesn't sound bad either.

3.) If your life were going to be made into a movie what actors/actresses would play the following roles and why?

You: Some batshit crazy blonde. Maybe the role Kelly Lynch played in "Warm Summer Rain". No explanation needs to be given, right? (Great flick, by the way. A CrazyDogMama favorite.)
Jim: Kevin Costner. Jim's sense of humor reminds me of Kevin in the movie Bull Durham. Plus, he's handsome!
Your mom: Sally Fields. She looked like her in her younger days, and she is short and sassy like that.
Your dad: This one is hard. Dan Akroyd? I don't know why. Maybe because he is a big silly guy?
Jim's son: He kind of reminds me of Zach Braff from "Scrubs", but cooler.

4.) Tell us about your best drunk moment.

BEST drunk moment, or STUPIDEST drunk moment? I'll go with stupid. I drank 9 double rum and cokes in a small dive bar when I first met Jim. I then proceeded to tell some guys in the bar that Jim could kick their ass. Collectively. We left running, and I drove down the wrong side of the road. When we got to Jim's place, I fell on my face in the middle of the street. Then, I puked on his carpet, and he had to call my dad (who he had never met) and tell him I was passed out drunk on his couch. Jim's mother managed the apartment complex we were in (Jim's apartment) and before she met me, had to replace the carpet in that apartment because of my really lovely puke. One of my shining moments, don't you think?

5.) Describe your perfect day.

I win, inherit or find millions of dollars. Then, do whatever the hell I want!

FEAST

OK y'all, I just possibly watched the best horror movie on the planet. I have a new favorite, and it may even surpass Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if that is even possible.

Jim and I had "Horror Fest" starting Friday night. (It was Friday the 13th, you know!) We rented 6 horror movies and had popcorn and candy.

"Feast" is FUCKING AWESOME. I mean it. It has everything, a generous amount of gore, appropriate suspense, a good story, and the most hilarious script EVER. Even the monsters are good, even if a little cheesy. I was never bored, and I think in one part I laughed so hard I peed a little. It was obvious that it was the director's intention for you to laugh. The director takes every horror movie cliche and fucks with it. At first, I thought, "OK, this is corny", but as it progresses, the corniness is absolute perfection because you need the comic relief. The rest of the movie is like OMG did that just happen? When's the last time you could say that about a horror movie? I've been so disappointed with horror movies in the last 10 years or so. Every now and then one comes out that I like, but I'm never so "wowed" that I'm clapping at the end. I'm buying this movie. Seriously, if you are a horror fan, you'll love it.

As for the other 5 movies I rented? Meh.

"Unrest" - It was OK. Slow start. Pretty good rental.
"See no Evil" - Lacking. A couple of good kill scenes.
"Hard Candy" - Good acting, decent movie, but I wouldn't buy it.
"Pulse" - Stupid.
"The Pumpkin Karver" - I wanted to rip my own eyeballs out. I was laughing, but it wasn't the director's intention.

Strangers watching me sleep.

I woke up every 2 hours last night. Which is nothing new. I'm not particularly stressed or anything, I just have sleeping issues. I can fall asleep in 8 nanoseconds, but then I keep waking up. I actually went to see a specialist on Tuesday about this and he wants me to go to a sleep clinic so they can figure out what's going on with me. Great. Strangers watching me sleep. That should be neat.

I don't know what else to say. I've really got blogger's block. I could like, take a picture of my hand or something, but I'm not sure that would captivate you.

Oh, just watched the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom creates an abstract sculpture that looks exactly like a vagina. It was pretty freakin' funny. Would you buy it?

Date Night & Freaky Weather

Well, I'm being hounded to post, but I don't know what to say, so here's goes nothing. Hubby and I went to dinner and a movie last night. I unhinged my jaw and ate a Bonzai Burger at the Red Robin, then we went to see "The Reaping". We liked it, although it's getting horrible reviews. It wasn't scary, but it was an interesting story line, and I love Hillary Swank. I am totally dragging ass today now, though. That is all the excitement. Truly. I have no idea what we're doing this weekend, except I know we are going to Jim's parent's house for Easter dinner. Oh, here is something, it supposed to be 80 degrees today. Yeah. 4 days ago, it snowed 4 inches, now its 80. WTF? I need to go do some work, so later dudes.

Um, it's April, right?

We woke up to almost 4 inches of snow this morning. SNOW. It was close to 70 degrees all last week, now its fricking snowing. My town is the only one that seemed to get dumped on because we have our own private convergence zone here, but still. I want to BBQ and shit right now, not snowshoe.

I ended up only having 2 (albeit LARGE) margaritas on Friday, but I woke up at 3 am needing Aleve for my pounding head. I'm getting old, just can't party like I used to. Saturday, we rented "Turistas", which was OK, nothing special. They only had ONE scene where some girl was getting her organs stolen, so I felt jipped. Then, I went and bought a firewire cable so that I could download my camcorder videos to my computer. That pretty much took up the rest of the weekend. Not a whole lot of excitement, but like I said, I'm getting old. It just doesn't take much to entertain me anymore.

Jack-a-Ritas

Instead of champagne, I decided on Friday night margaritas. Yeah, baby! So, I go to the liquor store on the way home to get some tequila. For some reason I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels, then a lime at the register. Don't ask, because I just don't know. I then tell the cashier that I've been promoted and I'm going to have some margarita fun, again, don't ask. He smiles, looks at the Jack Daniels and the lime, then back up at me and says, "Congratulations." I skip out the door, and about 1/2 way home I realize that I am a gigantic retard. Jack-a-ritas? Oops. When I get home and tell Jim what I did, he laughs and offers to go exchange the Jack for Jose. Derr. In a big way. The guy at the liquor store must be thinking, "What the hell did she get promoted to, executive ditch digging?" Anyway, Mr. Cuervo and I are having a nice love affair tonight. I may be puking later.

Good News!

I just got a big promotion at work! It includes many more dollars! Wheee! I am so excited.

Oh, and by the way, I know I haven't been posting regularly, but if I don't start getting more than 2 readers a day, I'm shutting down this show. So, tell your friends and family to read. Now, shoo, because I hear a bottle of champagne calling my name.

The traffic guy is NOT my friend, but Cherry NyQuil IS.

So, not only have I been surviving on Cherry NyQuil for the past 7 days, but the radio traffic guy totally dis'd me. Yes, that's right. Let me share this special story with you.

We had a few days of hard rain, and that always means some sort of flooding in the rural area I live in. The other morning on the way to work, I ran into some crazy dead-stopped traffic. After an hour and a half of wanting to bash my head into my steering wheel, I found out that one of the bridges on my commute was closed due to flooding, and traffic was being re-routed and that was why it was so backed up. I got to work really late and hacking my head off because my NyQuil was wearing off. The next day was the same traffic mess, but I left a little early to try and avoid some of it. I was listening to my favorite talk radio station and the traffic report came on. The traffic guy said that some people had called in and were wondering why traffic was so bad in this area, and he responded that he had no idea and hadn't heard anything but would look into it. I knew! I knew and the traffic guy didn't! I don't know why this excited me, but I decided to be a good citizen and call the radio station so that my co-commuters would understand why they were frustrated and stressed. I'm just that kind of gal. The radio guy answered, and I explained the situation. He was very appreciative for my call and said he would relay the info to the traffic guy. He even asked my name so that I could get full credit. I told him.

All proud of myself, I turned the radio back on and awaited the next traffic update. Sure enough, the first thing he said was "We have received an answer to the traffic problems in blah-blah area from our nice caller Cheryl". He went on telling the whole Seattle area exactly what I told him and kept thanking Cheryl for the information. Wow! I felt like a celebrity! But, oh no, no, that 15 minutes of fame would not last. They give the traffic update every 10 minutes, and of course since I wanted to keep hearing my name on the radio, I kept listening. In the very next update, the dude says this, "Well, we took the chopper over blah-blah bridge, and it appears to be open, and traffic is flowing nicely, so I'm not sure what was going on there, but there really is no problem so never mind that last report." WHAT THE FUCK?

I had JUST passed two big orange signs that said the bridge was closed, and I was still stuck in traffic! Oh, wait a minute.

There goes a D.O.T. worker and he is TAKING THE SIGN DOWN. It was a total conspiracy against me. They opened the bridge not 5 minutes after I called. NO! I look like a fool! An idiot! A prank caller! But I was just trying to help!

I wanted to call back and tell them I wasn't crazy, but then I started thinking that they probably have caller ID and would yell at me or not let me call anymore, or report me as a stalker or something, so I didn't. I just sat there. I cussed out my radio and turned it off. That'll show 'em! I won't listen to them for the whole rest of the day! Screw the radio! Screw the commuters! Screw everybody! I told Jim about my public embarrassment, but he just laughed at me. A lot. Then it hit me. I need to get a life.

My throat is KILLING ME.

I can barely swallow. I've been super sick since Thursday night. My throat hurts so bad right now that I can't sleep, and now it's 2:30 in the morning. Everybody is snoring and I'm walking around whining and bitching and no one can hear me! Bah! I just ate some ice cream, and although it tasted great, it didn't help my throat much. I'm going to go try and find something to watch on T., but my hopes are not high. This blows.

Who are you?

OMG, I'm sick of these, but I was tagged, so whatever. I erased the repeats and stuff I've answered before.

Who are you? CrazyDogMama!

1) First of all, how old are you? 35.
2) Do you believe in reincarnation? Nope.
3) If you found out your best friend was gay/lesbian, what would you do? Nothing.
4) Do you consider yourself a good listener? Sure.
5) Would you rather be short or tall? Short
6) Would you consider your relationship with your parents bad, okay, good? Good, but could be better.
7) Do you like to dance? Only when I am by myself.
8) Are you shy to ask someone out? I have never asked anyone out, the guy had to ask. It's old fashioned, not shyness.
9) Do you like to talk on the phone? Not really. I like to talk to my husband on my way home from work, though.
10) Would you rather go on a walk or watch tv? TV
11) Do you think boys or girls have it easier? Guys.
12) If you had a round-trip ride in any time machine, where would you go? To my early 20's.
13) If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Spy on people.
14) Do you like Adidas, Nike, Fila, or Reebok [or any other brand]? I guess I like Nike.
15) If you could change your name, what would it be? My name is fine.
16) If you were in a theater and someone was crying, would you laugh? No, that's mean.
17) What's the hardest thing about growing up? Marriage
18) What little unknown talents do you possess? I'm not telling.
19) Would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? No.
20) If this Saturday, you could do ANYTHING you wanted, what would you do? Go to Disneyland.
21) What's the worst word(s) you know? I don't know, but I'm sure I use them every day.
22) Have you ever wanted to run away? Daily.
23) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No, unless my dogs count. They are stuffed full of food, poo, pee and mischief.
24) If you were stranded on a deserted island with one person, who would it be? Superman.
25) What is your favorite gum? Cinnamon.
26) How do you eat an Oreo? Dip in milk, shove in mouth.
27) Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork? I do not eat chicken fingers.
28) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yes.
29) If you could do anything to the person you hated most what would it be? I don't hate anyone.

DOB: 11-12-71
Sex: Female
Height : 5'4"
Hair Color: Blonde-brown
Eye Color: blue
Location: Sultan, WA
School: Bachelor of Arts UW
Pets: 2 dogs and a husband
Dream Job: Photographer
Fav Subject: Art
Fav Sport: Gymnastics
Least Fav: Basketball
Fave Month: November
Fav Toothpaste: Mentadent

All is well in the dog food department.

I have received mail from concerned folks about the pet food recall going on, and if Lou and Mags were OK. They are great, I buy "Natural Balance" dog food. I tried to switch them to cheaper food awhile back, but they wouldn't have it. I'm so glad! If I had been feeding them the recall food, I would be in full-on panic mode right now.

I know I suck, you don't have to tell me.

I have no excuse for not blogging, I just haven't wanted to lately. BUT, because I love you all so much, I'll blog just for you today. Last Friday my company left early at 1pm to go bowling for a little corporate competition. It was a hoot, especially the open bar part. Double rum and coke and double margarita on the rocks if you must know. I got high girl's score at 151! I didn't know I had it in me. After that (with the alcohol in me), Jim and I went to dinner at his ex-wife's house. I KNOW. We were there to discuss how to discipline the kid who has been getting in trouble lately. It went fine, nothing really juicy to report.

Then, all day Saturday and Sunday, we cleaned. We dusted, vacuumed, did laundry & dishes and generally were a very boring married couple. And you wonder why I haven't been blogging? Blah. Nothing exciting happening. That is all. That is all I can think of to write. I'm eating a banana right now, I'm tired, and really nothing to say.

These are the lies.

#2 - I never had to draw my gun as a cop.
#6 - I started smoking when I was 19, not 17.
#8 - I've only driven up to 90 mph.
#10 - I've only been in one fight. It was with a girl named Shara in Jr. High. I kicked her ass.

I guess the skydiving thing is kind of iffy. My knees are shot and I'm too fat, but I guess if I were totally fit and trim and someone else paid for it, I MIGHT, and I say MIGHT do it again. Probably not, though, I'm getting old. My hay-day is over, I'm afraid. It was great fun, though, when I did it, and I have some amazing pics. I jumped 7 times.

Slacker

I know I've been a total slacker, I just haven't been in the blogging mood. You know what I mean? I've been in the "don't-get-up-from-the-couch-unless-you-have-to" kind of mood.

It snowed again last week, and we got 9 inches. It melted the next day, but still. It is supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow. The wackiness continues. Everyone has been sick at work, one by one, so the work has been piling up, and lo and behold I'm actually trying to change my eating habits AGAIN. I'm trying to do BFL-style eating, but really small portions every two hours or so. For me, this means being constantly hungry for about two weeks (until I get used to it) even though I'm constantly eating. Having a half of a sandwich just makes my stomach angry. It's all like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Anyway, I got tagged to do this stupid lie detector thingy. I am supposed to list off a bunch of things about myself and you are supposed to determine whether or not each item is true or false. So here goes, I guess.

1. I once vomited creamed corn all over the dinner table because my mom forced me to eat it.

2. I drew my gun only once when I was a cop.

3. My hair turned naturally curly overnight when I was 24.

4. I won't eat meatloaf.

5. I have had premonition dreams.

6. I started smoking when I was 17.

7. I threw a paper airplane at a corvette when I was young, and the guy slammed on his brakes and ran after me screaming obscenities.

8. I have driven a car at over 100mph.

9. I will never jump out of an airplane again, voluntarily.

10. I've been in many fights.

Let me hear those guesses people, which ones are false?