Facebook Retro Pics

I guess the latest thing on FB is to post retro pics of yourself. I have lots of those on the CDM Bloggery here, but my oldest and dearest friend Mick had this one that I've never seen before! Too funny. The brunette is my friend Laurie from Highschool. Wonder what ever happened to her. My hair is always the focal point of all old photos. Sigh.

Saturday night, baby!

I am having one of my loser nights where I am by myself holed up in the house. It isn't that bad actually, I could go out if I wanted, would just have to make some phone calls, but I chose isolation and the internet. I can just be myself right here. I can chat with online friends and blog and create chaos where chaos is needed.

I have some music playing, the dogs are sacked out and here I type. I'm a little bit hungry since I haven't eaten since this morning. My mom took me out for breakfast, so sweet! My "food" arrives on Wednesday, so I'm enjoying the last of my crap food.

I caught wind that my ex might be getting remarried. I started thinking if I ever would. I'm open to it, but it would of course have to be the right guy. And what the hell is THAT, the right guy? I am obviously incompetent in this area. He would have to be really nice to me and love me for me for starters. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and the obvious things like, no alcoholics or druggies, have a job, no anger issues, blah, blah, blah. I'm not worried about it right now; I have a full plate. I'm going to hold out for what I *really* want. I'll bide my time on that and just work on me for now. There was this guy once that seemed to fit the bill who made me swoon, but that's another story.

Anyway, here are some silly pics. I finally got my "True Blood" calendar. Me likes. I know, I'm a freak.

A Sign From God

Since I have been skipping the morning mochas and having protein shakes instead, things have been a little, well, off. It began today when I was logging on to my laptop at work. Part of my passcode has my name in it (Cheryl), and when I went to type it in, I somehow managed to type in 'coffee' instead. I shit you not. It was a sign from God! LOL!  I think I gotta back off the caffeine a little slower.

Things that make me happy.

These types of things make me happy. I can't help it.

Excerpts from shitmydadsays.com:

"You need to flush the toilet more than once, No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

(Left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this goddamned thing. HELLO? HELLO? Screw it."

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think."

Dreaming

I'm dreaming of someone. In particular. It is a good dream.

Don't read this if you have have a virgin sense of humor.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

People were asking me why I was laughing so hard at work. This is why. OH. MY. GOD.

I just had an epiphany.

I just realized why I write in this stupid blog. It makes me feel better. I have been in a funk today and after I wrote the last entry, I felt better. I couldn't figure out why at first, but I realize now that writing here helps me work out the jumbled mess in my head. It even makes me feel better when I'm already feeling good. I have half of a fiction book written, but fiction doesn't make me feel better, blogging does. Real life. Real problems. Real thoughts. Of course I can't write everything publicly, so I keep a private journal too, but I understand now. Some people meditate, some people run, others make music. I blog. I'm not the best blogger, I'm not even a good blogger, but I do it because I need to.

I have something I really want to say. But not now. It probably isn't what you are thinking. One of these days, though, I will. You can bet on it.

Goals

I have decided to redirect things in my life a bit. I've been entirely too focused on stupid stuff lately and need to get my act together. Body, Soul, and Spirit.

Goal number one is to get healthier. I have been using the "Healthy to Go" products in my water instead of getting iced mochas every day. These are packets filled with organic fruits and veges; each equals 6 servings. I don't take vitamins, and the mochas are making my blood sugar too high, so I tried this instead. Got it at Costco. Thank the Lord God in Heaven for Costco! I live there. I have also decided to try Bistro MD 5 days a week to lose weight and balance out my nutrition. It is pricey, but with my life right now it is impossible to work long hours, keep the house clean, take care of the dogs, do the errands AND cook and worry about my nutrition. I just simply don't have time to think about it or prepare for it. So, my first week comes next Wednesday. The food looks really good, it's supposed to be gourmet. They provide the food on "The Biggest Loser", so it can't be THAT bad. I am only doing 5 days a week so that I have room to go out for dinner, etc. NO MORE FROZEN BURRITOS. Or pizza. Or McDonalds. Well, once in a while. Workouts are going to get more intense too, I've been lazy. I anticipate having more energy, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Second, I need to figure out if I am staying in the house or moving somewhere else. I keep going back and forth. I don't know how I will figure this out, but my goal is to do just that, make a damn decision. I'm not going to rush into a decision, however.

Third, I need a third goal. It will probably be work-related. Gotta think about this one some more.

So, there it is. I am underway with goal one. Progress. The last year has been tough, but hopefully all the crap is behind me. I've gone through enough emotion to kill anyone, but here I am! Alive and (sort of) well! Life is so strange. It hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would. Does it ever? I guess if it did, that would be awfully boring.

GONG!

Remember the Gong Show? Yeah, he gets the GONG. Next, please! The dating thing is going to be rough, I can tell. I may lay low, I am just too old and tired for stupid games. Perhaps I will spend my energy elsewhere for now.

Holy CRAP!

I may have met someone online, he may be calling me tomorrow, and I may be freaking out! This guy is NOT messing around! I'm safe for the moment, he doesn't live in this state, but he isn't that far away.

I've had butterflies in my tummy all day, I'm all flustered and fidgety and my mom is making fun of me.

He is very kind and handsome, and he seems to like me despite the fact that I am a freak. You never know about the online thing, but oh well, gotta take risks sometimes.

He has a Harley and wants to know if I want to ride in his CAMARO. Um, YES PLEASE! ;-)

Hedgehog and Chicken Man

Mr. Hedgehog (Hedge) tragically died last night from severe internal injuries. The perpetrator is a beast called "Maggie". RIP little fellow.

I was getting coffee the other day from my favorite little coffee stand and witnessed quite the show. Behind the stand is a little pharmacy owned by an old guy who apparently does not enjoy chickens soliciting his business. He was flailing about, yelling and swatting the chickens with a rolled-up newspaper. The chickens were running but were not cooperating and kept going back up on his porch. Poor guy was so flustered! I, of course, was rolling in laugher taking cell phone pics.

Long day.

I'm pooped so I will post in the morning.

Don't worry everybody.

I'm not going to date anyone with a girlfriend or a wife! But if he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out some time later, I MIGHT consider it. I have a strict set of criteria now and I am not settling for anything less! Not to mention there would be a lot of getting to know someone first. I am not a ho!

Java Monster!

I tried this energy drink today called Java Monster "Loca Moca". Pretty good, but now I'm bouncing off the walls! I gotta do something, go somewhere.

OK, question. There is this guy at work. He is handsome, sweet and successful. He is not married, but I think he has a girlfriend. He works in a different building than me, but I'm always running into him. Several times now at company meetings and functions, I catch him staring at me, then when I catch his gaze, he very quickly turns his head away very deliberately, very noticeable. In fact, if it wasn't so dramatic, I would think nothing of it, but it keeps happening. He also seems nervous around me. Does this mean anything? I have no clue, but it seems odd.

The more that is thrown at me, the stronger I get.

I am choosing my own path for once. I choose not to be angry. I choose not to be sad. I choose not to be bitter. I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose faith. I choose love. It is a lonely path sometimes, but it is a good path.

I used to sit on a fence. I was pushed off, but I choose to never climb back up. I have kicked my fence over forever. I am moving forward; pushing through.

Something happened the other day and my first reaction was anger. I chose to stop it. I am not afraid anymore. I know that whatever happens, I will be fine.

I know what I want and I won't stop until I find it. And no one will stop me, either. My eyes are open. WIDE open. I won't make the same mistakes.

Some time ago I was given a second chance. I didn't see it at first, but I see it now. A new life. A better life. A chance to be who I am supposed to be.

I still need prayer, I still have challenges to deal with, but don't worry about me. Everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to. Signed, sealed and delivered.

Need prayer in a big way.

Can't say why on the blog. It is serious.

Trouble

Guess who is going out tonight? I'll try to stay out of trouble. HAHAHA.

Ginger Soy Flank Steak Recipe

I will make this soon and take pics.

- 1 1/2-2 lbs. flank steak
- 1 Tbsp. minced garlic, (about 6 cloves)
- 1 Tbsp. fresh minced ginger (from one small chunk)
- 3 scallions, (use the white and green parts) finely sliced
- 2 Tbsp. peanut oil
- 3 Tbsp. reduced-sodium soy sauce
- 2 tsp. rice vinegar

Put the flank steak in a flat dish with sides just large enough to hold it in one layer.

In a small bowl, whisk together the remaining ingredients and pour them over the steak. Flip the steak a few times to coat it with the sauce. Refrigerate it for at least 30 minutes and up to 24 hours.

Preheat the grill to medium-high or preheat the broiler.

Transfer the steak to the grill or a broiler pan, reserving any remaining sauce. Grill or broil the meat for 4-6 minutes per side until it is browned on the outside and only slightly pink in the middle.

In a small saucepan, bring any remaining marinade to a low boil for 2 minutes, and transfer it to a serving bowl.

Slice the meat on the diagonal (try to go against the grain of the steak so it won't be tough) and serve it immediately with the sauce on the side or refrigerate it for up to 3 days before serving.

Flavor Booster: Add ¼ tsp. Asian chili sauce or crushed red pepper flakes to the marinade.

Mad World

I walked down to a park in Seattle and sat on a bench. It was raining and grey out. I had my iPod on playing "Mad World". I watched as people walked by but could only hear the sounds of the song. I wish I had my camera. The faces, oh the faces on people went perfectly with the song. It is a sad song, a dark song, a beautiful song. I am going to buy the sheet music and learn it on the piano.

Read the words carefully. Tell me how it makes you feel.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow
No tommorow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad Word

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

I have a problem. I don't know what to do about it. Sitting, pondering, listening. It helps.

Well smack my ass and call me Sally! I got a comment!

AND a new follower! SEE? Begging works. Actually, I got TWO comments, thanks to Lea too. Lea, I will definitely post some food pics and recipes, but I need to actually COOK something first. Since I've been a single for a while now it is just no fun to cook for one. I don't like leftovers. Y'all gotta come over so I have a reason to get greasy in the kitchen! I did some cooking over the holidays for my mom and some friends, but other than that I've been living on frozen burritos. UG. I might make some real Mexican food tonight, but I'm not thinking it will be photo worthy. I do have a recipe I will share for some Mongolian Flank Steak that I might make this weekend. I guess I will just continue to write about my ever-changing life, I'm getting less and less "private" if you haven't noticed. Nothing too exciting right now, though. I guess the most interesting thing I've got at the moment is that I'm going to get my tattoo changed. I'm not thinking going through life with "Jim" written on my ankle is going to do me any good. Not looking forward to THAT pain! The stupid shit you do when you're young. Sigh.

OK, what is it gonna take? You people are stubborn.

I know you are out there. I ask questions and, nothing. YOU SUCK! I have to beg and plead and threaten to shut down the blog to get you to post a damn comment. I should take all my archives and put them on Facebook where people actually interact! But then most of you wouldn't be able to get in. I leave comments everywhere, or at least try to. Yes, I write partly for me, but come ON. Am I that frigging boring? Don't answer that.

Maybe I should go controversial. Lude pics? (um..no) WHAT, then? Maybe you are all keyboard challenged. About a year ago I had a statistic thingee that told me over 80,000 people had been to this blog over the last 5 years. That is 16K a year, 1333 a month, and approximately 45 people a day. Now, I'm definitely not a power blogger with those stats, but you would think someone would have something to say. Maybe I scared everyone away. That wouldn't shock me.

Are you shy? I don't bite. Well, I don't bite hard anyway. ;-)

What do you want to read? Do you want to know what is going on in my head? Probably not. Pictures? Of what? Should I cause a ruckus? I want to change things up a bit, but have no idea what to do. HELP!

I'm gonna get out there and stir up some trouble on other blogs.

Holidays are over, vacation is over.

Time to get back to reality. Actually, vacation is always nice, but I need some routine back. Today has been weird. I've been online most of the day, except for my FOUR-HOUR nap. (Now I will be up all night.) I did my budget for January, paid some bills, did some chatting on Facebook (I'm such a flirt!), organized some of my digital pics floating around on the computer and read some of my favorite bloggers. The dogs were curled up at my feet for most of it, the little cutie pies! I did a load of laundry and got the dishes done, but that was about it. I'm tired of cleaning, let me tell you! I did get a lot done over vacation; the house is actually starting to look decent. I am going to order some new office furniture tomorrow and start the redecorating in that room! My mom and I have had such fun shopping and discussing the redecoration plans. She is so great. I'm lucky to have such a cool mom.

I also have great friends! Had two girlie friends over Saturday night and it was so good to see them! I am told I am going to a casino with them next Saturday night, that should be a hoot! CrazyDogMama at the slots, look out! LOL.

I think I'll go watch some TV now, see if I get sleepy. Off to work in the morning.

Serendipity

SERENDIPITY: "The effect by which one accidentally stumbles upon something fortunate, especially while looking for something unrelated."

This word popped into my head today. Don't know why. Some people think of serendipity as "fate" or "destiny", but I like the definition above. Accidentally stumbling upon something fortunate. I love that. It isn't corny or unrealistic, but a concept that you can get your mind around. Have you ever experienced it?

What are your thoughts?

Blog Goals

OK peeps, what do want out of the blog this year? Come on, let's hear it! Click on that little comment button, do it, I know you can. That means YOU. I need some blog goals this year!

Happy 2010 everyone!

I'm sitting here having a cup of coffee so I can stay awake for the countdown. I won't be kissing anyone at midnight, a tradition I've always had. Guess I'll kiss Lou-dog. LOL.

This is going to be my year. It HAS to be, damnit! It is due time.

Highlights of 2009: Got a kickass job, I got to go to NY/NJ and went to California for a week in June. I had an overabundant Christmas thanks to my awesome mom and had a good friend (my second mom) visit for a week. I also got in touch with an old friend that I previously wasn't able to get in touch with and it has been nice.

Let's not talk about the crap part of the year.

What is in store for 2010? God only knows, but I'm trying to be optimistic! Cheers!

A Recent Facebook Conversation

I had talked about my divorce and being traded in for a much younger model and Jeffery had the best comment, "These things have a tendency to backfire on people. Which is worth more? A 1965 Ford Mustang, or a 1985 Ford Mustang? When the new car smell wears off, pretty sure Jim will be faced with "What the hell was I thinking?" Sorry it is causing you pain, but I am confident that wonderful things and opportunities are going to open up for you. Just keep hanging in there and know your friends will be there for you."

My sarcastic ass wrote back and asked if I could be a 1967 SS Camaro instead. He said "Sure thing, you can be whatever car you like. I will even pass on the myriad of jokes about who gets to drive. But inquiring minds often get told to shut the hell up." LOL!

Where are you?

Talk to me!

Lady in Red, or Something Like That

Off to a party in my new red cashmere scarf! You know I will blog about it.

Philosophical

Some things in life you wish you could change. Someone said something horrible to me one time, and it hurt because it was true. Also, someone said something wonderful to me one time, and it hurt because it wasn't true. I used to believe in the impossible, now I believe in the inevitable.

Nice Flakes!

Christmas fingernails! LOL.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope it was magical for you. The pics are of the "appetizer" dinner my mom and I had on Christmas Eve and the doggies among the Christmas morning debris. My mom spoiled me rotten this year! I can't believe all she has done for me. I kinda feel guilty. Unless something is vastly different in our lives, we have decided next year we are going on a cruise for Christmas! Weeeee!

Dinner Party

Had some friends and family over for dinner tonight. My neighbor, my mom and my stepson. Bill (my stepson) has just turned out to be the sweetest kid, well, MAN now. I can't believe he is turning 18 and moving to Cali to go to college next year. We have stayed close through all of this, and I feel blessed. I've known him since he was 1 1/2 years old. He is meeting his dad's girlfriend tomorrow and I hope it isn't too awkward for him. He is weirded-out by it.

I made a glazed ham, asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes, salad and rolls. The food turned out good, but I have a second degree burn and broke my round baking stone by putting it on a burner that was on. What a dope I am. Made a bit of a spectacle of myself. Oops. At least things are never boring around here! LOL.

I'm exhausted. Going to watch an episode of Roswell (shut up) and hit the sheets. I can't really figure out how I'm feeling. Honestly, I'm a little down, but I'll get over it. I can see now why there are so many suicides this time of year, though. I'm having second thoughts about selling the house right away. I worked my ASS off to get it and keep it, and after looking at some condos in downtown Seattle, I'm worried it would be too hard with the dogs. I might just completely remodel and make it all mine. I don't know. I guess I'll see what happens in my life.

Merry Christmas Eve-Eve!

Two Steps Forward, Five Steps Back

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I had a terrible day. Just when you take 2 steps forward, something knocks you back 5. I am officially on holiday vacation now and wish I could get away. Instead of counting sheep, I'm picturing a small table. It has a candle on it, and it is nestled on soft sand. It is evening, late, but not too late. Other tables with candles are nearby, but the occupant's conversations are soft and cannot be distinguished more than a mutter. There is a band that can be heard in the distance playing pleasant music. A big grassy straw-like covering overhangs. The candles make everything appear orange and comfortable. Safe. Relaxing. There is a warm wind, and I can smell fragrant flowers. It is a clear night with a big moon and a magnificent display of stars. I am barefoot, wearing a tank top and an oversized sarong as a skirt. I sit down at the table.

You can finish the story for me.

Wrapping Presents Blows

Okay, you know what? I fucking hate wrapping presents. I suck at it, I get frustrated, it takes me forever and I make a huge, stupid mess. I waste a lot of wrapping paper because I always cut it wrong. (Too short, too crooked, etc.) To be extra festive this year, I am watching the news about two more policemen shot. That makes seven in this state in 2 months! It is horrifying and tragic. I cannot believe what is happening. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of the families dealing with this right now. And I thought I had it bad, I guess I should be glad I'm not a cop anymore. My prayers go out to all affected. On a happier note, I was taken to lunch today to a cute little French restaurant in Belltown called "Le Pichet", and my espresso was so pretty I had to take a picture of it!

We can open presents whenever we want!

So, my mom and I decided to pretty much give each other all our Christmas gifts early, especially when we are out shopping. "Do you like this? Great! Here you go, Merry Christmas!" It has been a hoot. We have saved a few so we aren't bored on Christmas morning, but we are doing things totally out of tradition this year. One gift I let her have early is a DVD set she wanted of the TV series "Roswell". This series is older, it came out in 1999. It is about teenagers and aliens and such. I secretly rolled my eyes thinking "What the hell, ma? This looks lame as hell." Well, I've been staying with her off and on lately and yes, you guessed it, she made me watch it with her. I'm totally 100% hooked. I am so embarrassed to admit that, but I love it. We are only through the third disc set and I can't wait to watch the next one. Damn her!

Today should be interesting. Today begins the path to my new life. Aren't you dying to know what I'm up to?

Charlie Brown Christmas

This is as festive as I am getting this year. I just don't have it in me to put up a Christmas tree. Maybe next year. If you can see it, I have a Bonafide Charlie Brown Christmas Tree to the right of the TV that my stepson gave to me. It's totally working this year.

Planning My Life

I have had a good couple of days and have actually started planning my life! I'm excited about some of the decisions I've made to go forward. So excited that I forgot to blog! I'm not going to go into details too early because I think it will be more fun to write about it as it unfolds. The first decision on my path is that I am putting my house on the market in January. That is step one. I'm going to do things MY way for once, and it feels great! More tomorrow when my eyeballs can focus again.

Zero Plans

This time next week I will be on vacation until after the first of the year. I have ZERO plans. I am having a very low-key Christmas with just my mom, but other than that I don't know what to do with myself. My company shuts down so it is all holiday pay (yay!), although I will be on-call. I don't know when I will find out about the supervisor position. It's a crapshoot at this point. I guess if it is meant to be it will be. Or not. So, what should I do with my time off?

The "I wonder where I will be a year from now" game.

Well, I'm lying in bed with my mind racing and can't sleep. This time last year I had just been laid off from my job and had started a temporary contract job. I remember wondering where I would be in a year. I was WAY OFF. I always am. That is part of the allure behind blogging and journaling, to see how things change and how things happen beyond your imagination. Someone said to me around that time that they predicted I would be in the same situation a year from the time they told me, and that they probably would be in their same situation too. They said, "We never really change much do we?". I never met that person, but I would say they were a bit wrong. I wonder if things turned out different than they expected too.

I'm going to make this a new thing I do at the same time every year. Let's call it, "I wonder where I will be a year from now?"

Lou & the Whipped Cream, New Earrings, and A Pity Pot

He pees on the floor, barks at everything and gets into all kinds of trouble, but every now and then his antics just crack me up and I was laughing too hard to yell at him.

I stopped at an espresso drive-thru and got an iced mocha with whipped cream once, and Louie was riding shotgun curled up in a ball with the butt warmer on. I got distracted with a call and the next minute I looked down; I was greeted by a grinning whipped cream-faced dog with a straw in his mouth. It was classic.

I've been on the pity pot lately. (If you haven't noticed.) Not a fun place to be. I know it's stupid, but sometimes you just can't help it. Today I was a tad grumpy. I was yelling at stupid drivers and wanted to tip over a holiday display. Bah, Humbug! Hehe. I usually adore Christmas, but with everything I've dealt with this year I guess I'm a little cynical and pissed off. I'm with Chele, what the hell happened to "gentlemen"? I can't remember the last time a man opened a door for me. In fact, I had a door swing into my face tonight. Thanks dude. I'm thinking my choices are somewhat nil in this day and age. I'm too old fashioned, I guess. I believe I have much to give, but I don't want to cast my pearls before swine, you know? I want to be taken care of this time and be the adoring, loyal wife. I make good money, I'm educated, I love to cook, and I love sex, but I'm not putting up with any shit. I'm done with that. Tiger Woods? What an idiot! Cheat on Elin Nordegren? FOOL.

OK I'm done ranting on my blog here into cyber space. Everything is wonderful and normal. I did buy myself some new earrings from Macy's. A little Christmas gift to myself. ;-)

The good, the bad and the goofy.

The bad: Took Lou to the vet today. The prognosis is not good. I just have to love him and enjoy him while I can. I feel like I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.

The good: My mom, her best friend Cathy and I are going to take a trip to New Orleans in the new year. Woohoo! I'm worried about what to do with Lou though, he couldn't handle boarding.

The goofy: I made cookies and they all melted together into one big cookie. LOL!

Shit List

Are you on it? My shit list is growing. ;-). Ever had one of those days (lives?) where nothing goes right, and everyone irritates you? Gah.

Got this funny gag gift at the company Christmas party. Somebody knows me all too well, I think!

Heat is not overrated.

I have HEAT! Yay! Only cost $200 for my neighbor to fix it. Thank you, GOD and Denin. What a week. I've had better. I'm really worried about Lou-dog, he is going downhill and I'm so afraid. I can't lose him, I CAN'T. Not now. That would send me right over the edge. I need him well. Right NOW.

Don't fall asleep reading this post.

Long day. Worked for a bit, had a departmental holiday party that I zoned out at and didn't really participate in (had a Pepsi and played one game of pool, whoop-de-doo!), got an oil & lube and car wash, went to dinner with mom, had neighbor install new heater pump but haven't heard back to see if it worked, printed out my credit reports, signed lawyer paperwork and now it's time for bed. Exciting shit, no? Haven't been sleeping well and I'm very, very tired. I need to iron about 50 shirts/pants and don't have the energy. Gotta train two new people tomorrow at work. Blah!

Did you fall asleep reading this post? I did.

It's good to pay it forward.

Unthawed. My mother is being a gracious hostess and dogsitter. My neighbor is trying to get me a new pump for my heater at wholesale and offered to install it for me. Such a nice guy. His truck broke down and I gave him my old truck, no strings attached. That is what it is all about, this life, helping each other out.

Had my internal interview at work yesterday for the supervisor position. Keep fingers and toes crossed, a good promotion would be GREAT right now! If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Things could get interesting.

Frozen

I'm going to freeze to death. My heater pump went out. I have no fireplace except my fake one, and neither it nor my space heater can get the air temp above about 50 degrees, and that is only within a small area. I have 2 layers of clothes on under the covers here in my bed. The dogs are shaking. It is supposed to snow on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Jim didn't leave me in the greatest financial position (I kind of got left holding the bag with 2 mortgages and lots of bills) so I'm going to have stay at my mom's or something until I can get it fixed, or the dogs and I will turn into popsicles.

I broke down and cried earlier. Have you ever cried while your teeth were chattering? It's a little frightening. It'll get better, right?

Holiday Party Update

Well dinner was good, the "Kings of Swing" were fun, and a coworker friend of mine proposed to his girlfriend (also a coworker) in front of everyone. It was so sweet. It brought me to tears of course. Right now, I'm standing outside alone getting some fresh air. (Am I pathetic or what?). I can't feel my toes. More later.

Hot-Ass Prawns

Went to dinner and shopping with mama. I had "Camarones del Diablo" which is Spanish for hot-ass prawns. YUM. I will regret it tomorrow, but it was worth it. ;-)

My coworkers are making me go to the company Christmas party tomorrow. Swing dancing with no one to dance with, not that I would have danced anyway. Neat. I did buy a nice outfit, though. I figure if I'm not having a good time I'll just leave.

Out of My Comfort Zone

I like how Kim put it: I am going through some deep shit.

That's for sure! On several levels. My ENTIRE life has and continues to change. I am so far out of my comfort zone I don't even know what a comfort zone is anymore. The only family I have left is my mom, my stepson and the dogs, due to 4 deaths and a husband who bailed (which pretty much eliminated 2 other family members). I'm having to learn to be alone, and how to control my emotions and maintain composure. I want to learn what love and happiness is/means. I am still relatively new at my job, and it is morphing as we speak. I'm having to trust in God to protect me and help me through hard things. I'm going to have to move soon. I've learned who my true friends are.

I'm doing pretty good I think, considering the circumstances. Some awful crap has happened, and of course I'm not posting that on the internet, but life can suck. I know, I'm an expert. But it is up to me. It is my choice to move ahead. It is up to me to make good, healthy choices. I'm in charge of my own happiness (that is also a choice, sometimes hard, but still a choice). As far as love goes, well, I'm a little old fashioned there wanting the man to be the pursuer, but who knows. I have no idea what will happen to me. I've definitely learned that life is full of surprises and that anger, bitterness and vindictiveness is a total waste of time.

Prayer Works

I AM HAVING A GOOD DAY. That may seem trivial to you, but if you knew the hell I've been through lately you would fall right over. I laughed today. I only teared up once; briefly. I am feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in a while, and I was so far from feeling that yesterday it isn't even funny. I want to go back to NY (Annie you are coming next time; can you imagine the damage we could do together?) which means I am thinking about fun things instead of not fun things. I enjoyed my tuna melt for lunch, and I got winked at on the elevator at my lawyer's office.

To have a change in spirit THAT quickly either means I'm Bipolar, or the prayers are working. Now, I've been to therapy, and they said the only problem I have is anxiety, YUP. God. Do NOT argue with me.

I may be grumpy and sad again tomorrow, but I had a good day TODAY.

One Too Many Blows

I'm not doing well. Not at all. I am starting not to care about anything. I've taken one too many blows and just don't have the strength to get up anymore.

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and I have bad days. Everyone does, but when the bad hits, it really hits. The last few years have just torn my soul apart. Deaths, separation/divorce, and many other things, and I was already stressed, struggling and unhappy when the storm came and slammed my ass. One thing after the other. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! I was doing pretty well there for a while keeping myself together, but some 'challenges' have presented themselves of late and the few glimpses of hope for a couple of things I had, have died.

I walked through Costco today among the decorations, families and busy shoppers. I felt dizzy. I suddenly felt incredibly alone with 100's of people around. I felt small and invisible. I just told myself to breathe. This too shall pass.

I'm just having faith that everything will be OK. You have to be happy with yourself before your life will start to take a good shape. I like myself, even when I'm a dumbass idiot fool, but sometimes life can beat you down a bit.

Thanksgiving with Mom 2009

Here is our sad little turkey with a little turkey boner! Haha, that's what I call it. The dogs are just waiting for ANYTHING to drop. It's not the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had, but I feel loved and warm. Got my fuzzy house slippers on. I didn't cook this year for the first time in a LONG time. Actually, I haven't cooked much at all for a while now, but I will again, I'm sure, if you know what I mean.

Happy Turkey Day to all who celebrate! WOOF! From Louie and Maggie.

CrazyDogMama Wisdom

One of life's greatest accomplishments is being true to yourself. Others can let you down or betray you, but you can still walk with your head held high and a clear conscience. When you betray yourself, it is a prison. It is a deep emotional wound more so than when you are hurt by others or by circumstances.

Sad Thanksgiving

Well, I don't get to California to be with friends for Thanksgiving because I don't have enough money for the last-minute plane ticket and dog boarding. Just going to be me and mom. Don't even feel much like eating. WOW I've never said THAT before. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Thankfulness

I got a request for a list. I'll warn you though, I'm not feeling funny. The reality of my life has hit me recently, and the holidays are coming up. I will be spending them alone (unmarried) for the first time in 16 years.

Things I'm thankful for:
1. My mom who is always there for me.
2. All my friends who are always there for me.
3. My job.
4. My retarded dogs who keep me company.
5. God who keeps me going when I don't think I can.
6. Hope. You have to have it.

Things I am not thankful for:
1. The single life. It sucks. There is no 'honey', just friends.
2. Wasting half of my life and giving my all for nothing.
3. I'm going to have to sell my house. Gotta start a new life and I can't do that there.
4. Wearing my heart on my sleeve and always making myself vulnerable.

Well, at least my thankful list is longer than my pathetic list. :-)

Any more questions?

I don't know what to blog about. Any ideas? I've got blogger's block tonight. Any more damn questions? I may or may not answer but go ahead and give it a shot.

Shocker: I had a troubling day.

I had a very troubling day today, as I often do. Earlier I wrote a very dark post and decided to delete it because there was no good in it and therefore worthless. Instead, in light of recent confessions of my somewhat new single life, I thought I would leave this with you because many expressed concerns. Thank you.

When I was anguishing over heartbreak and loneliness, the Lord spoke this to me in His own special way:

"You have followed me and done what you believed I said for you to do. You cannot control the actions of others. If they choose to go their own way, I still have wonderful plans for you."

Answers to all your burning questions.

Instead of answering all the individual emails, I told myself to just suck it up and take a risk by posting it. I've been trying to keep much of private life, well, private, but who gives a shit, right?

YES, I am going through a divorce. NO, it was not my idea. YES, we are still friends, but he is with someone else now. It hurts, I don't know anyone who thinks divorce is fun, but I'm OK. I still, and will always care for him, but I've decided to reinvent my life and move on. I have a lot to give, and I'm not worried about the future, in fact I can't wait to see what happens. That is all I am willing to share, please understand.

I got home from my trip safe and sound and am trying to figure out Thanksgiving. I was invited to California, and I might just go and drag my mom with me. It would be a dinner with lots of great people and a helluva good time.

I slept for a good 10 hours last night since I only got about a total of 20 while I was on the East Coast last week. I had to go get a GOOD mocha this morning because holy shit NJ has no espresso, and even if you CAN find a place, it sucks! I went through withdrawal.

NY rocks! Me loves it!

It was so much fun, and quite hysterical. My boss and I drove over in our rental car and got LOST. Even following MapQuest, we found ourselves somewhere in Newark wondering how we did a complete circle while following the directions exactly. We finally just "winged it" and went with our gut, and when we found the Lincoln Tunnel we shouted with glee! Both of us raised our arms and yelled, "Hooray"! I couldn't stop laughing. I got vertigo looking up at all those skyscrapers!

We were both like kids in a candy store running around in the dark. We didn't get there until about 8 something at night and didn't get back until 2 am. We spent our time at Rockefeller Plaza and went up to the "Top of the Rock" to the observatory. AMAZING. The pic of my boss crouching is because she is afraid of heights, and it was funny to watch her attempt to look at the NY skyline at the top of the observatory. She was a tad nervous.

We watched the ice skaters; we ate a hot dog and a gyro from a street vendor and purchased some goodies for friends and family back home. More than one person approached us trying to sell some knockoff item. I got a great kick out it. My phone died from taking pics and so we didn't have directions home. We were tired and not quite as excited about that but did figure it out. Everyone honks their vehicle horn in NY. EVERYONE. All the time. It was annoying at first then we just joined in for the heck of it. NY is definitely very different from home, but quite the experience! I had a blast. I'm flying back home tonight, hopefully it will be better than the trip here.

I FINALLY got to NY!

But, since it is 2 am here I'm going to bed. I will tell you all about it after I sleep.

The Melting Pot in NJ

Another day goes by where I didn't get to go to New York. BAH! Too much damn work. I told my boss that if we didn't go tomorrow that I would quit. So, we are going tomorrow. I gave her the 'face'. I have seen quite a bit of Jersey, however. That, and I've never eaten so good! I'm all about the food. Went to the Melting Pot. YUM. Dipping food in cheese and chocolate, how can than that EVER be a bad thing? This is my boss laughing because I was doing it wrong. I break all the rules. I leave the metal "rescue" spoon in the hot pot, I lose my food off the skewer, I double dip, and I get it all over the front of me. She found it amusing.

Another funny story. We were sitting in a deli for lunch (yes, we constantly eat) and someone asked for a pen. I went into my purse and dug one out. About 20 minutes later someone at the table starts busting up into laughter. I'm all WTF is so funny? She says, "You look like a Smurf!" Apparently, the pen was leaking blue ink, got all over my hands without my knowledge, then I proceeded to touch every part of my face. I had it ALL OVER ME. BLUE. IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY NEW JERSEY DELI. There is no photo of that, sorry.

The pic of me? I don't know. I get bored. What happens in Jersey, stays in Jersey.

Brasilia Feast!

One word for this place: ORGASM. If you like meat, that is - which I do. OMG, they keep bringing you skewers of meat for hours! My drink was some type of traditional Brazilian drink which tasted like a cross between a margarita and mojito with lime instead of mint. WOOO - can knock you on your ass if you aren't careful! The dessert cart, well, even though I ate more meat than my body could handle, I still made room for the best chocolate mousse cake I've ever had. I'm going to need to go buy new clothes for getting home because before this trip is over I'm going to have gained 10 pounds. They also played this fun live drum music which has your butt dancing in your chair. We were there for like, 3 hours.

So tomorrow we are skipping out of work early and hitting the Big Apple for a whirlwind tour. I instantly hit it off with a girl I'm training there, and her and her husband are going to show us all the good stuff/places. I can't wait!

Hello, NJ!

OK, where would you like to start? The machine that is supposed to spit out your boarding pass quickly and easily, did not. I annoyed about 12 people. Not my fault. Had to wait 20 min. for someone to help me and she so happily says, "Oh here you are, just a glitch!". I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out. I about had a heart attack. I got to the gate, went to get a coffee with my boss, set it down, and when I turned around, my trench coat sent the coffee flying. Then, once on board, I promptly sat down, and my knee kind of went underneath the arm rest and a bunch of gum got all over my pants. I did get an aisle seat (yay!), but the beverage cart lady spilled OJ on me. I KNOW!

Then there were the old people I sat next to. Get this, they brought their own crackers with OLD, WARM, CRUMBLED BLUE CHEESE. Who brings that kind of stinky ass shit on an airplane? OMFG it smelled like sweaty vomit feet. I thought bringing your own food was forbidden.

Once we got into the Newark terminal, we got to ride on one of those complimentary little inside cars because I'm telling you right now, I wasn't about to walk 20 miles to the car rental place. I am not exaggerating here, GEEZ! Then we got on the train/monorail thingee where we noticed a left behind sack. Oh crap! Bomb! LOL. I took a picture of course, for you know, evidence. I also took a pic of my hotel room bed. Pretty comfy!

So yes, the East Coast has welcomed me. I'm too tired to write anymore, but we had a blast at dinner with our local coworkers. Brasilia. I'll talk about it later. Cool experience.

Newark here I come!

Hopefully I'll survive the flight. It will be the longest one I've ever been on. I'm claustrophobic. And fat.

Nervous Nellie

Not sleeping. Which is good because then I will sleep on the plane. I'm a little keyed up. I will probably be blogging a lot and posting strange, stupid pics. I have no idea what to expect. I'm in unfamiliar territory.

Pouty McPitiful

Wow, I'm beat. Feeling a little strange. I ended up not eating any dinner on my birthday, I just wasn't hungry. My new rule is that I only eat when I'm hungry. As it turns out, I haven't been hungry all that much lately. Which is strange in and of itself if you know me.

I'm getting my hair done early in the morning. I'm taking a big-girl trip and one must have good hair for that. I also have some new big-girl clothes to take with me. I think I'm all set, now I just have to figure out how to get all my shit in a carry-on bag. YIKES. It has to include my work laptop, all my clothes/toiletries, my hair straightener and my camera. Yeah, I know, good luck with that.

Louie is Pouty McPitiful tonight. Mags is her usual self, but Lou is really in tune with me and knows something is up. I'm a little anxious I guess, flying, meeting new people, and some big tasks to accomplish.

Stay tuned, I think this blog will be fairly interesting over the next week. Should I get an "I heart NY" t-shirt? LOL.

This is 38.

I'm 38 today. I am wearing my new leopard shirt, my obnoxiously big earrings and look stoned even though I'm not. I took a picture of myself this morning to mark the occasion. Birthdays have never been anything special for me. I mean, I've only had ONE birthday party bash in my life. That ONE was my 21st birthday a very long 17 years ago. The group picture represents that evening. I am the one with my mouth wide open. (Are you even surprised?) Those are some old friends and people I worked with at the time. I was a waitress getting through college and getting ready to start the Police Academy. I was young and naive and an idealist. Now I'm old, wise and cynical as all hell. That day I didn't work. I remember getting up, getting all pretty, calling my boyfriend (I was dating one of the chefs at the restaurant at the time) and then heading out for quite a party! My friends paid for everything, my steak dinner, all my drinks (and there were plenty) and a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. It was so much fun, a time I'll never forget.

Today? Got up for work, got as pretty as I could, sat in traffic, and at 1:15 I have a doctor's appt. My honey is buying the fixin's, but I'm cooking us dinner. Gotta have my Cajun prawns. And that's it. Last year I just cried on my birthday. A few people have wished me a Happy Birthday, and I have received some nice gifts, but all in all nothing really that exciting. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything (ok maybe a little), I thought I would just write about the jubilee that will (not) be. I guess the good news is that I kind of look the same in the face. I have a few crow's feet blooming and some creases around the mouth, but I have the same hair, less the bangs, and a little shorter. The body, though is so NOT the same. I'm a hurtin' unit in that department. Oh well. Such is life. It's my own damn fault. Although now that I look at the pic closely, I was a little pudgy then, not quite at my best. I would still KILL to have that little pudge. Sigh, it was the beginning of the end. OK, enough of that shit. Happy Birthday to me! It is CrazyDogMamaPalooza today! You all better be nice to me. ;-)

Facebook

GEEEEZ! All you Facebook people have gone bonkers! I had about 400 messages and things to accept and apparently you can get to level 12 in "Mafia Wars" without even knowing how to play! LOL! I don't check my profile very often, perhaps I should. Then, as I am madly accepting Mafia gifts and whatnot, about 10 of my contacts are trying to chat with me at the same time. It was utter chaos...

I need a drink and a cigarette to recover from y'all.

To All the Vets

Happy Veteran's Day to all you Veterans out there. THANK YOU for your sacrifices and courage so that people like me can be free to pursue happiness. Sometimes I wonder if we are truly worth it, there is so much ugliness out there. So much unappreciation.

Headless Chicken

Now that I'm done being a walking methane cloud, I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to get ready for my trip. All the while, my dogs are eating weird mushrooms in the backyard and then puking them back up on the carpet, then getting into the leftover Halloween candy, then finding new places to pee and new ways to piss me off. It's like they KNOW I'm leaving. Now Louie is pouting in the corner. I've never seen such a pitiful face. If you could only see his face in the picture.

The Manwich

NOTE: This is a very feminine post about farting and belching. If those things offend you, please keep reading.

So, I have all of this hamburger meat in my freezer that I have to eat up. I thought, how about Sloppy Joe's? I haven't had a Sloppy Joe for like 20 years. (I pride myself on NOT eating things out of cans.) BUT I broke down my pride and used a can of Manwich sauce. BAD. IDEA. I have been constantly belching and farting for a straight 24 hours. I am NOT kidding. It is BAD. I can't even stand myself. I kept myself awake all night. I am thanking God that my officemate called in sick. It WON'T stop! I am a normal person in this department normally, but crap on a cracker, I could've propelled myself to work this morning without starting the car! Beano does not work. Antacids do not work. I really need this to stop now. Thank you.

Aren't you glad you read my blog?

The Reason, A Scarf and a Hat

First, I'm listening to my iPod again, of course, and you know that song "The Reason" by Hoobastank? The lyrics are actually quite powerful in my opinion. Second, I just purchased a purple and black striped scarf and a white knit hat. I thought they'd be cute for the winter.

Where Am I?

AAG. Went out with mom last night and fell asleep at her house! Didn't know where I was when I woke up! Gotta get home! LOL.

Mama Said Knock You Out

My new Nano iPod, and electric fireplace! Happy girl I am! It is not even my birthday yet! The house is wreck since putting the fireplace in, everything I own is scattered everywhere. It makes me nervous. I don't know why. Things are not clean or organized or neat and it makes me all twitchy. I don't seem to be in an all-out quick hurry to clean it though.

On my iPod, I have a VERY eclectic blend of music. Currently I'm rockin' out to "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J. LOL! I don't get into Rap generally, but I LOVE that song. I like boxing too, which is probably why I like the song. I know ALL the words and sing it out loud. With moves. It makes me feel all macho. It also raises a few eyebrows.

It is official.

My ass is being sent to New Jersey/New York for a week, to work. I booked my flight and Hotel and will arrive at Newark Airport on the 15th. Several things:

1. I am excited because I have never been to the East Coast, and I will get to see (a little bit of) New York. The Mfg. plant is in Jersey where most of my time will be spent, but I will be DAMNED if I am not going to travel to NY when it is only 20 minutes away.

2. The only seats left on the airplane were middle seats. GOD. HELP. ME.

3. My boss is going with me, and I told her that "All work and no play makes Cheryl a pissed off girl". (If you have ever read/seen "The Shining", you know what I mean here.) I said I wanted to see ONE thing in NY and have dinner. Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, whatever, but I HAVE TO see one thing. I may have to shop, too, but I'm not going to push it.

4. Many photos will be taken, even if they are of my feet.

Leave a comment so I won't cry.

Thanks for the nice comments and emails, I thought I was talking to myself there for awhile! I like to blog, but you are all so quiet! I don't blog for comments, but its nice to know I have a few peeps. ;-)

I actually have lots to talk about, but my tummy is upset and I need to rest for awhile. I'll ramble a little later. Just let me know you're out there once in a while, K? I almost shut down the bloggery a couple of times because I started to ask myself why, why do I do this? I still ask myself that, but it is kind of cool to know people do read me. It is motivating!

Thanks again for speaking up and I'll keep up the freak show!

Miss me?

Would you miss me if I were gone?

Confessions

1. I don't always take my makeup off before going to bed. 

2. I love to pop zits. Anyone's. 

3. I love the smell of gasoline. 

4. I have a hard time finishing books. I start one, then start another one, and so on and so on. 

5. I used to be a neat freak, and suddenly I'm a slob and I don't care. 

6. I have never thought that Brad Pitt was good looking. At all. 

7. I get obsessive about certain things and I drive myself crazy.

8. I spend a shitload of money on expensive shampoo/conditioner. 

9. I am very uncomfortable on airplanes and I'm wondering how much Valium I'm gonna have to take on the way to the East Coast. I'm not afraid it will crash; it is the small seat with too many people around. 

10. I can't close a Ziplock bag to save my life.