Evil Bert

OK, I'm sorry, but this is AWESOME. "Evil Bert" is the funniest video I've seen in a LONG time.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, when I was checking broken links on my blog, I found this video was no longer available. They scrub everything that is any good. OMG this MEME was so damn funny. At least I salvaged a picture. Try to search for it, maybe you can find it somewhere.

This is why I love my job.

Occasionally my coworkers bring me all the supplies I need for cocktails. Here we see Wild Turkey and Coke in the convenient airplane bottle sizes. They also bought me a VIBRATING chair. Yes, I KNOW. See the cute little controller? It's how they get me to work overtime on salary. OOOH, the vibrating. Aren't you jealous?

What have they done?

There is a petition you can sign to bring back "Planter's Cheez Balls". Please help me. I'm lost without them. Thank you.

It's Fall!

Fall is my favorite season. It has the best weather, the best food, the best colors and two fun holidays, if you consider my birthday a holiday. Which you should.

The Best Weather: Crisp, cool, sunny days (like today), and good storms. I also like DARK. I may be alone on this, but I like the whole daylight-saving thing that makes it dark when I go to work and dark when I come home. Too much light on me is not a good thing, you see. I don't know why I like it; I just do. Its creepy. Sue me.

The Best Food: Pumpkin lattes, Halloween candy, turkey and all the trimmings. Need I say more?

The Best Colors: My entire house is done in Autumn colors, and most of my clothes. Muted greens, oranges, reds, yellows and purples. One of my favorite crayons was burnt sienna, which is a fall color.

Holidays and other fun: Thanksgiving rocks because it is a 'food' holiday. All you do is eat. My kind of day. Halloween is the perfect excuse to be myself, and again, eat. My birthday, self-explanatory. It is going to be good this year because it sucked last year. That is how it works.

You also have the beginning of the Christmas season, and remember Fall doesn't end until late December. You have the stores playing Christmas music and decorations everywhere and possibly a snow event or two. I love snow, I just hate it when I have to go to work in it and deal with idiots in traffic. It's also the beginning of ski season! One of these days I'll get my butt back up there.

So, there you have it, my very positive and upbeat post for today. Don't FALL over, HA!

Things going on with me lately.

1. I totally don't feel like blogging.

2. I've been craving apple juice and grape juice and drinking large quantities of them. These are not usual beverages for me.

3. I wore a sweatshirt-coat today. First time in many months. I'm cold. Highly unusual for a person who has her bedroom air conditioning on 365 days a year. (I'm not sick that I know of and I'm not pregnant.)

4. I'm having trouble sleeping again. Last night I got up at 3 am and started milling about. I accidentally woke up Jim and this was the conversation:

Jim: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Drinking grape juice.
Jim: At 3 am?
Me: Yeah.
Jim: What is wrong with you?
Me: I don't know.
Jim: Are you OK?
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Jim: (continues to look at me strangely for several minutes) Are you SURE? You are acting very strange and sneaky.

5. I am pissed off at a company that illegally billed my debit card for product I did not order. I am filing charges. I am really eloquent like Erin Brockovich when I deal with customer service on the phone, too. Especially when I've been on hold for 20 minutes.

Sexy Peppers

No, I am not dead. Yet. Ha. There has been nothing of note to post lately and I barely have material today. It will be boring, I assure you. This weekend my parents took us out for a belated happy Anniversary dinner to "Mi Tierra Mexican Restaurant", which has the best steak fajitas on the planet. They put an addictive chemical in them, I SWEAR. I'm salivating just thinking about it now. I paired my fajitas nicely with Sangria.

The weather has been beautiful this weekend, and after dinner we stopped by a local vegetable and fruit stand by our house out in the boonies. I grabbed an assload of stuff, I just can't help myself in those places. I was also mesmerized by some pepper plants because they were labeled "Sexy Peppers". Who can resist that kind of marketing? Jim pulled out some cash he had in his pocket to get it for me (what a sweetie!) and the owner lady threw in a jalapeño plant! Score! I took some pics of all the pretty peppers that I now have in back yard and don't know where to put. Thrilling, I know, but it's all I've got.

Sunday has been watch-football-all-day since Jim opted for the "Sunday Ticket" with our switch over to satellite. He is in heaven. I cut up all my fresh veges and fruits and have been snacking on them all day with turkey slices, cheese and crackers. I also took pics of that. That is the weekend wrap-up, folks.

I need your recipes.

OK! I'll write in my blog. But really, what I want, is for YOU guys to help me!

Here is what I'm doing. I want each of my readers (all 3 of you) to post one of your favorite recipes for me. You can do it in the comments section, or on your blog, I don't care, but I'm desperately wanting to cook some stuff and am really sick of my own recipes and recipe books. PLEASE, with sugar on top! I really want to hear from EVERYONE, seriously, don't even attempt to tell me you can't cook, just send me a damn recipe. That means YOU Annie, Broke and Angry, Hole, and especially OTTER who I KNOW has about 6 million recipes I probably want. I'm hungry! Get to it!

BTW, it is my 13-year anniversary today. Happy day to us!

I stole this from Juice.

1. Who is your man? Jim

2. How long have you been together? 14 Years

3. How long dated? 8 Months

4. How old is your man? He’ll be 40 soon.

5. Who eats more? We are both pigs.

6. Who said "I love you" first? Jim. I wouldn’t say it back right away, either. I had saying “I love you” issues.

7. Who is taller? Jim.

8. Who sings better? Jim.

9. Who is smarter? It’s a tie. He knows shit like history and how to work the remote, and I can do long division and algebra.

10. Who's temper is worse? We both have anger issues.

11. Who does the laundry? Both of us, but he says I do it wrong.

12. Who does the dishes? Both of us, but if you were to ask him, HE ALWAYS does them, and I suck.

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I have taken over the entire bed. Jim falls asleep in his recliner a lot.

14. Who pays the bills? Me. Jim cannot be trusted with money.

15. Who has bigger feet? Jim. My feet are freakishly small.

16. Who has longer hair? Me. Jim has no hair.

17. Who is better with the computer? Me.

18. Who mows the lawn? Jim. I do not do yardwork. Period.

19. Who cooks dinner? Me, most of the time.

20. Who drives when you are together? Mostly Jim.

21. Who pays when you go out? We’re married. Who gives a shit.

22. Who is most stubborn? Another tie.

23. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Depends on who is wrong.

24. Whose parents do you see the most? I think we see them equally as little.

25. Who kissed who first? Jim kissed me first in the Denny’s parking lot after class at the Police Academy. Romantic, I know. Actually, he tried to kiss me IN Denny’s, but I was all like “OMG, not in Denny’s.”

26. Who asked who out? Jim wouldn’t shut up until I said yes. I had a boyfriend at the time. I finally gave in. What a slut I am. LOL.

27. Who proposed? He did.

28. Who is more sensitive? Jim.

29. Who has more friends? Neither of us has many friends. Please be my friend.

30. Who has more siblings? We are both only children.

31. Who wears the pants in the family? Jim. I like being naked. I control everything, though.

Up and Running After Hell Week

I am finally starting to settle down. Not only did I not have internet for a week at home, I was without cable AND I worked, like, 65 hours or something crazy like that. My job demanded my soul last week, and apparently, I gave it to them. I think I worked 28 hours in two days. Not having access to the World Wide Web almost killed me, though, and I didn't have time to surf at work either due to the screaming and running around frantic. It is amazing I wasn't rocking back and forth in the corner.

ANYWAY, I have a very pretty new satellite dish and a new faster internet. Comcast can go fuck themselves. We also made our milestone at work and shipped surgical implants to Romania on time. Yippee! Being on salary sucks because I received no overtime last week, but I'm going to make it up by totally slacking off this week and leave early on Monday and Tuesday. All in all, I am a bit weary and have slept most of the weekend away, but all is normal again in CrazyDogMama land. So, forgive me for the lack of updates, K?

Here is a picture of Louie rolling, because he can, and he doesn't have to worry about stuff like wireless modem routers and HD DVR receivers.

I'm being forced to do this MEME.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write what it says. "Initial Implant Design: 16 wks." Exciting, I know.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch? A Kleenex Box. More excitement.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? A rerun of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 10:45 am.

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 10:47 am. I know, because I'm hungry.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The voices in my head.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Walking from my truck to the door at work.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? Some old photographs I have on my computer.

9. Did you dream last night? Yes.

10. When did you last laugh? Yesterday?

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in? My diploma from the UW and a 2007 calendar.

12. Seen anything weird lately? Yes. I saw one of those Jesus Fish emblems that people put on their cars, and inside the fish it said "N' Chips".

13. What do you think of this quiz? Whatever.

14. What is the last film you saw? 'Premonition'. It was very sad.

15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? I'd pay off all my bills and go to Disneyland. But that's just the first day.

16. Tell me something about you that I don’t know? When I was cooking turkey burgers last night, the paper that separates the patties was still stuck to the bottom of the one I made for Jim. He ate some of it. Oops.

17. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do? I have no idea.

18. Comment to President Bush No comment at this time. Sorry folks, I don't get political on my blog.

19. Would you ever consider living abroad? Depends.

20. What do you want God to say to you when you get to heaven? You made it!

21. Name 4 people who must also do this quiz on their blog. I don't know 4 people who would do it who haven't already done it. If you are reading this and want to do it, do it. and let me know.

8 More Things

You want nice? From ME? Normally I would just tell anyone who says I'm too "negative" to fuck off and die, BUT I just drank an iced mocha so I'm feeling cooperative and, well, maybe a little cheeky. It was requested I re-do my "8 Things" post with "nice" things.

I used to post all of my info on earthquakes and the coming nuclear meltdown we are going to experience, but I stopped doing that because people just want nice. Although I can understand this (sort of), this isn't my personality. If I started talking about the wonderfulness that is my life, those close to me would conduct an intervention to get me off the crack. I'm just not a glass-is-half-full kind of girl. I'm the girl who looks at the glass and says, "hmm, not only is that glass 1/2 gone, but will it be enough to sustain me in a total martial law lockdown?" Yeah. Nice is boring to me. It's not that I don't think I'm blessed. I KNOW I am. I live in the greatest country in the world, I have a nice home, I have a loyal and romantic husband with a great sense of humor, I have 2 cute fuzballs and great job. I thank God every night for what I have. Do I have problems? Well, DUH. of course. Many things in the USA are totally fucked up, you did read about the baby who got punched in the stomach to death by its father the other day, right? You know we are at war, right? I have almost LOST my nice home more times than I care to count, and I'm about the most financially unstable person I know. My husband can be a complete dick from the word 'go' on certain occasions, and don't even get me started on the two little fuzzy fuckers I own and where they pee and poop and who they try to bite. My job? Yeah, it's awesome, but don't think I don't have days where I want to jam a pen into my eye, or my co-worker's eye.

So, what I'm trying to say is that there are good things, and there are bad things. I haven't been sent to the looney bin yet, and I haven't gone postal, so I MUST be somewhat happy. Right? Right. Yes, I am. Just for the sake of argument though, and to satisfy some of my loyal readers, I will post 8 nice things. Just for you. Nobody faint, K?

1. We BBQ'd some exceptionally tasty food last night, and I brought some of the leftovers to work for lunch. It was so good; I'm thinking about eating right now at 9:07 am.

2. The camera we just bought (or should I say went into hock for) was a "surprise" happy Thursday gift from my hubby (who, yes, IS quite handsome) just because he loves me. He knows I'm not a diamond girl, he gets me toys!

3. My boss came to me at noon last Friday and said this, "You have been working so hard, why don't you start your weekend early and go and enjoy the sun the rest of the day!" I wanted to kiss him and hug him.

4. I will be celebrating 13 years of marriage on August 27th.

5. The other day one of my co-workers, who is also my friend, told me that she is so glad we met and really enjoys having someone to "rant" with about life, and to workout with and have lunch with. She is a total sweetheart, and our lives are so similar it is crazy. She doesn't judge me, nor do I her, we just enjoy each other's company and appreciate the complete honesty we feel comfortable sharing. We believe the same things religion-wise, so we are always on the same page about things, and it is so great!

6. Nothing bounced in my bank account today. Hooray!

7. I have NO PLANS for this weekend and I'm so happy about it! I think I will stay in my PJ's and veg-out in front of the TV, and sleep, and eat and generally slack off. Life is good!

8. I have a mini vacation coming up at the end of August. Just a week off, but I love time off to do nothing or whatever I want.

There! Happy?

8 Things

Colleen tagged me and I don't even really get what the tag is except that I have to write about 8 things. So, whatever, here goes.

1. I went on a grandma hike on Saturday and the grandmas were passing my out-of-shape ass. Sad. I did take some pics, though, that I will bestow on you after my 8 things.

2. I cleaned my stove today. I'm way too fucking exciting, I know.

3. My phone battery only lasts for a day before I have to recharge it again. This pisses me off because it is ALWAYS beeping at me for low batteries. Is it just me?

4. I haven't wanted to blog lately, been in a mega-funk. I need some motivation, people. Help me now.

5. Jim's truck died. I don't mean it broke down, I mean it DIED. DEAD. KAPUT. The diagnostic said this: Transmission gone. Clutch gone. Brakes gone. Fuel pump gone. Tires bald. Electrical system gone. So, we have a new truck. Well, not a new truck, but you know, we couldn't afford to pay for repairs to the old one, so we just bought one that worked. Its a 2004 F150. Its pretty (I'm sorry Jim, I mean it's bad ass) but I'm freaked because we are poor and vehicle payments scare me. Again, help me now. Oh, and Jim actually put a stepping stool in the truck so I can get into it. Seriously, I jumped to get in it and fell back out.

6. I have a headache in my eye.

7. It's midnight on Sunday and I'm not tired. Damn it!

8. Lou-dog is snoring and farting at the same time right now. Much like Jim. I'm a lucky girl.

How is that for 8 things? We went day-tripping at Deception Falls and here is what we saw:

Backyard BBQ

It's get-even time with the pictures ANNIE.

Um, well, we had a BBQ yesterday at our abode with our good friends Matt n' Annie (Juice) and Amy. I am hung over as I type, so don't expect some intellectual shit, ok? Annie posted some, um, interesting pics of the evening, so I thought I would share as well.

#1 The gang all normal at around 6 pm enjoying some wine and appetizers. Matt was tending to little baby Ben, who is UBER cute and such a good baby! We were the loud obnoxious ones; the kid was quiet and happy.

#2 The girls with just a little bit more wine.

#3 A lot more wine. Amy and Annie singing along to the 'Grease' soundtrack.

#4 Matt and Juice at the end of the evening.

110 frigging degrees.

That's how hot it is supposed to be tomorrow at my house. They say Seattle will be around 100, and we're always about 10 degrees hotter out where we are. Today is 90-something and I want to die. At least I get to work in an air-conditioned office, poor Jim is in a non-air-conditioned shop with a metal roof. Sunny side-up Jim.

Tonight, I will be sitting outside in the shade dousing myself with the hose while drinking a beer. Maybe I'll take a pic with my NEW camera! I got a Canon professional DSLR! Oh, I had 5 days off for the 4th of July. I will post about that soon, k?

More backyard pictures!

Jim has done the awesomest job ever on our backyard. It only took us 8 years to plant anything in our backyard, but HEY, it's hard.

#1 My pretty rose garden. Just pray that I don't kill them, mmmkay?

#2 Gardener Jim, A.K.A. my lawn boy.

#3 My most excellent Japanese Red Maple! Her name is Hilda.

#4 Pearl, the other Maple.

#5 My bush corner.

#6 More herbs! I made linguini tonight with basil, tomatoes, white wine, olive oil, lemon thyme and garlic. It was quite good.

#7 My new dining room table. I have a big girl table now!

#8 It's Hella Good! The label says so!

#9 I had to include a picture of Lou, well, just because.

Pablo and the Holy Water

First of all, this has GOT to be the BEST title for a movie EVER, "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death". It wins, and YES, I rented it. Haven't watched it yet, though.

Second, I did watch "Black Snake Moan", which was a really good flick. Both Christina Ricci and Samuel Jackson did a great job, and (hold onto yourselves) Justin Timberlake can actually act. Who knew? Anyway, I recommend it.

Third, we now call Louie "Pablo" and here's why:

Background: Louie is our fuzzy little Cairn Terrier with an attitude the size of Asia. Most of the time he is a cuddle-bug who makes me laugh. In the morning when I'm getting ready for work, he goes and lays in his crate because he knows I'll be leaving soon. This has been our routine for 8 years. When I actually go to leave, I shut the door to his crate so that he doesn't destroy my house while I'm gone. This has never been a problem in the past, he just sleeps until I get home. HOWEVER, in the last 6 months, he has decided that the shutting of his crate door sucks big donkey dick, and he starts barking and snap-growling when I start to shut it. This is NOT acceptable behavior, and I won't have it, but I had no idea how to stop him from doing it. Jim finally decided to try spritzing him with "Bitter Apple" when he starts the snap-growling, and it worked! The damn dog shut right up, then proceeded to smack his lips and dramatically hack. (It doesn't hurt the dog, it is made for dogs, they just don't like it.) We now call it "Holy Water" for our possessed dog. As Jim described this process to me on the phone, this was how the conversation went:

Jim: It works great! In fact, it was kind of funny.

Me: Cool! We should associate the act of spraying him with a command of some sort so that he will stop doing it when we just say the word. You know, use the "Pablo's Dogs" theory.

Jim: Pablo's Dogs?

Me: Yeah, you know, the theory everyone learned in Psychology class with the salivating dogs?

Jim: That's "Pavlov's Dogs", dear heart.

Me: *Started laughing so hard that I almost had to pull the car over*

Me, the next morning: "Come on Pablo, it's time for your holy water."

This is what happens when I tell them I want to take nice pictures.

Yes, another BBQ in my back yard. You would think we lived out there. Well, we do. We are not exciting people, you see. Jim got a new BBQ for Father's Day. A big boy BBQ! He wanted steak. I got a little planter pot for my herbs (not for Father's Day, just because I'm so cool), which currently consists of only chives because I killed the basil, cilantro and dill. Oops. So, here is a little photo entourage of the silly and somewhat psychotic little life that I live:

#1 Jim and Bill presenting "Esther". I name everything, even the BBQ.

#2 My lovely chives.

#3 Did I mention my stepson was in drama?

#4 Checking to make sure it's still there, I guess.

#5 Can you taste it?

#6 Trying to explain these two? Forget it.

#7 It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, apparently.

#8 Peanut Butter Jelly Time is getting out of hand.

#9 Photoshoots wear them out.

Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix

I know I've talked about this before, but it deserves a second post. I just wanted to let you all know that I will be stocking up on it for the summer.

Best shizzle EVER.

Get it here. If the link is broken just go to Amazon.

Held at Gunpoint

My husband held me at gunpoint and made me eat Ding Dongs.

I found a very interesting article. Although I attribute my weight more to my Hostess habit, I think this author has some valid points. Give it a read, and don't judge until you are all the way through it.

"The Biggest Threat to Amercia" by Chuck Norris

South Park

Funniest South Park episode EVER: Evolution explained: Monkeys having butt sex with retarded fish frogs.

So how was my weekend you ask? I had a garage sale. I did make over $200 though, so there was that. We pretty much did nothing else and I'm tired as hell today.

It's not a ho down, it's a hose down!

It was hella hot this weekend, and especially humid yesterday. Hubby and I got out the hose and tortured the dogs.

#1 Louie giving me the stink-eye as he gets sprayed.

#2 Louie appreciating the cool down and rolling in the grass for maximum smelliness.

#3 Wet Maggie who closely resembles a fruit bat.

#4 Nothing like an ice-cold beer in the sweltering heat.

#5 Our BBQ'd ribs, mmm, meat.

#6 My weekend project was painting and organizing my pantry. It was so not fun, but I did an awesome job, no? Don't judge me for the stupid products I have in there.

Here fishy, fishy fishy.

Finally, the long Memorial Day weekend! I took Friday off to make it 4 days off and went fishing with my parents. Here is what happened.

My mom caught 2 trout, my dad caught 2 trout and everyone on the fricking dock caught fish EXCEPT ME. I got lots of bites, but none on the hook. DAMN IT.

I got stung on the NECK by a humming-bird-sized Bumble fucking Bee. I'm allergic to wasps, so thank God it wasn't a wasp, but STILL. Now you all know I am a complete spaz, so you can just imagine the dance I did when this monster kept dive-bombing me and landed on my neck. I broke my chair. At that point of no fish, a stung neck and a broken chair it was time to go home and regroup. Seriously. WTF?

This is the tacklebox I got when I was like 10 or something. I do know how to catch fish for anyone who might want to be a smartass commentor.

I put pictures of my mom & dad fishing on my flickr account, but I doubt I will be able to keep them there because I will be threatened with bodily harm. So, go look quick before I get beat up.

As for the rest of my weekend, we did nothing on Saturday, went to my parent's house for barbecued teriyaki chicken on Sunday (Yum!) and basked in the sun on the back porch on Monday. Not real exciting, but better than working. I'll be looking forward to reading all your guys' blogs, for I am sure you can top this.

Sometimes I get bored.

The brightest and prettiest rainbow I've ever seen. The picture doesn't do it justice. Where the hell is my pot o' gold? Hiding behind my hair on Monday Morning. Don't let the beast out.

Plays and Presents

It took me awhile to download the pictures from my camera, so you are getting some belated picture updates. The first picture is my stepson (left) with his friends on the night of his play "Aladdin". He was fabulous. The second picture is the presents my hubby and stepson got me for Mother's Day; some tulips (my favorite!), some chocolates and a basket with girl stuff in it. (Candles, wine, and bath stuff.) This is all you are getting right now because I have the need to go bake a chocolate cake. Buh-bye!

I've got a fever, and the prescription is, MORE COWBELL.

Just a little something for all you SNL fans out there. I saw that clip the other night and it just makes me giggle every time.

Here is what is going on in my life:

#1 I got my hair foiled! I'm very blonde again!

#2 I am a total LOST junkie, "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". We're about halfway through the second season where Shannon was just shot by Anna Lucia, a.k.a. Rambo girl. I am in love with Sawyer. Isn't everyone? Jack is too metro. Sayid is pretty hot too, actually. I have changed my mind about Jin, he is less of a dickwad now.

#3 I am trying out some dinners from "Month of Meals", they look really good, and surprisingly they are pretty inexpensive! I'm picking them up tonight.

#4 My mom is on the hunt for a new puppy! So fun!

#5 I did many squats/lunges/calf-raises on Monday and my legs have ceased to work. I say "OW" every other step when walking. My coworkers think this is funny.

#6 Apparently, I throw things in my sleep.

#7 I am having a much needed "girl's night" tomorrow night, but I thought it was last Thursday and showed up at my friend's house. Good thing she wasn't home. Who is retarded? That would be me.

Questions you were asking yourself 3 years ago.

1. WTF is that big thing in the jungle?
2. What on earth did she DO?
3. How the hell do that many people survive a plane crash?
4. Who the fuck is the guy in the suit who keeps appearing and then disappearing?
5. Why do I want to punch the ditzy blonde so badly?
6. Why does the cute guy who looks like Viggo Mortensen have such a 'tude?
7. Is the old guy just a bit off, or is it me?
8. Why was the dog hiding?
9. When is the Asian chick going to get all up in her husband's grill about being such a fucker?

YES, I am finally watching LOST. I love it! I can't believe I waited this long to see it. I have watched the first 4 episodes and going to watch more tonight. DO NOT RUIN IT FOR ME, if you tell me spoilers, I will hunt you down and let my dogs eat you.

What Cheryl Needs.

This is a funny Meme from Annie. What you do is google your name + "needs", then write down what comes up, so I did. Cheryl needs lots of things.

1. Cheryl needs to write some functions to figure out how that happened. (Um, what? Sure. I write functions all the time.)

2. Cheryl needs to stop sending me dirty emails. (Yeah, baby, I'm so bad!)

3. Cheryl needs to have an affair. (NO, Cheryl doesn't! Ha! She would get kicked in the twat for that one.)

4. Cheryl needs a good slap. (Yes, she certainly does. Probably for the dirty emails. LOL.)

My God.

This is terrible.

Greensburg, Kansas - F5 Tornado damage, aerial view.

Microwave Massacre

Yes, I actually rented this movie. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm betting that I will like it based on this blurb I found on badmovies.org:

Things I Learned From "Microwave Massacre":

1. Every movie should begin with drum music and a girl's breasts flopping around.
2. A three pound crab is pretty frightening.
3. Food shouldn't match your furniture.
4. Guys like girls with large breasts for their personality.
5. If you don't like what's for dinner, get a mouthful of water and spit it into the food.
6. Girls: Your marriage is in trouble if the hubby throws a fit then urinates in the living room.
7. People stay fresh longer in aluminum foil.
8. Two things not to say when picking up a girl: "You're not used to being on your feet." and "You look a lot better in the dark."
9. Everyone keeps a hatchet in the kitchen.
10. Never dress like a chicken around cannibals.
11. Doctors use syringes as darts.
12. Vibrators make good gardening tools. (You heard me right, and there is no way in Hell I'm explaining.)

ROFLMAO!

Hangin' with my Peeps.

I crack myself up.

Irritated

For the horrific price of $100, we can both get our gas tanks filled! OMG. Gas prices SUCK. How in the hell are we supposed to pay this? It keeps going up! I used to be able to fill my tank for $13. The world is coming to an end.

Oh, and its National "Take your damn kids to work" day, and my work HONORS this. I get to work with a bunch of screaming brats today. Can you say MONGOLIAN CLUSTER FUCK? I knew you could.

Thinking Blogger Award

I was awarded a Thinking Blogger Award by Annie, can you believe it? THINKING? ME? BA-HA!! Wasn't aware I did that. Especially here at the CDM bloggery. Nevertheless, she said some incredibly wonderful things about me, and I am eternally grateful. She is the sweetest and funniest girl I've ever met, and I'm honored to be her friend. We were inseparable at one time and have some seriously great memories. We don't see each other much now because we live a bit far and she has a new baby who is SO CUTE YOU WANT TO CHEW ON HIS LITTLE TOES that keeps her busy, but when we do have a chance to get together, it is like no time has passed at all.

How this works:

1. If (and only if) you are tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

I would put Annie's blog as my first Thinking Blogger Award, but I probably can't do that since she's already gotten one and that would be breaking the rules, but just so she knows I would pick her, and OMG this is a major run-on sentence so whatever.

OK, here goes:

1. BOA (Broke and Angry) - Always a treat to read. He is very passionate about illegal aliens and Wells Fargo. All around a nice whiner that will make you laugh. Also, newly married, which makes him a prime target for us old married folks to tease and give stupid advice to!

2. Yogagirl - She is great! She is a yoga instructor and knows everything about yoga. She is inspiring and funny and also a sweetheart, one of the very first blogs I read, and we bonded nicely because she has a really cute fuzzy doggie! She is also quite possibly the best decorator EVER.

3. Otter - This Southern belle is HYSTERICAL. Not only does she write well, she, like, KNOWS PHYSICS and shit! She was my very first commentor. She also has a cute little baby boy and is a jewelry maker, knitter and cook extraordinaire!

4. Skwigg - Skwigg is AWESOME. If you want to lose weight or become a ninja fighter, she's your girl! Seriously! I would not want to piss Skwigg off. She is also funny and real and a super interesting person. Even if you aren't into fitness, she will keep you entertained with her 3 crazy dogs. She is definitely an honorary CrazyDogMama!

5. Spank Your Inner Moppet - Colleen! Not only a great writer, but witty and sweet! She cracks me up too, and you guessed it! A cute doggie! She will also kick your ass ninja-style.

Well, I have to say, it was very difficult to pick only 5. There are so many of you that I would put up there! Basically, if you are on my links list, I wanted to nominate you. I love you all! You all keep me continually inspired to blog!

HERE IS SOME MORE CONTENT FOR THIS POST, AS IF IT WASN'T LONG ENOUGH ALREADY:

I was also tagged to do an "interview", and Annie over at "yerdoingitwrong" asked me these questions, so now I'm going to answer them. If someone wants me to interview them, let me know! Don't expect me to do it quickly, though, because I'm a lazy ass.

1.) You've been married a long damn time. What three pieces of advice would you give to someone just starting their journey?

Wow. I have been married a long time. Almost 13 years. Crap. I guess my first piece of advice would be to let the little things go. Don't get all amped up over dumb shit. Two, um, when you fight (and you know you will) don't bring up crap from the past, stick to topic. If you don't, every little thing you have ever done will bite you in the ass. Three, enjoy each other. Make sure you take advantage of all the things you like about your spouse. If you like movies, watch a lot of movies together, if you like to talk, chat it up, if you like theme parks, go! Be best friends.

2.) If you could spend a month anywhere and money was not an issue, where would you go and why?

Hmm. I guess I would travel Europe with my hubby. Germany, Italy, France, those places. He has been there and has always wanted to take me. I have been NO WHERE. Seriously. I've been to like, 3 fucking states. That are close by. I need some culture. Although, laying on the beach drinking margaritas in Bora Bora for a month doesn't sound bad either.

3.) If your life were going to be made into a movie what actors/actresses would play the following roles and why?

You: Some batshit crazy blonde. Maybe the role Kelly Lynch played in "Warm Summer Rain". No explanation needs to be given, right? (Great flick, by the way. A CrazyDogMama favorite.)
Jim: Kevin Costner. Jim's sense of humor reminds me of Kevin in the movie Bull Durham. Plus, he's handsome!
Your mom: Sally Fields. She looked like her in her younger days, and she is short and sassy like that.
Your dad: This one is hard. Dan Akroyd? I don't know why. Maybe because he is a big silly guy?
Jim's son: He kind of reminds me of Zach Braff from "Scrubs", but cooler.

4.) Tell us about your best drunk moment.

BEST drunk moment, or STUPIDEST drunk moment? I'll go with stupid. I drank 9 double rum and cokes in a small dive bar when I first met Jim. I then proceeded to tell some guys in the bar that Jim could kick their ass. Collectively. We left running, and I drove down the wrong side of the road. When we got to Jim's place, I fell on my face in the middle of the street. Then, I puked on his carpet, and he had to call my dad (who he had never met) and tell him I was passed out drunk on his couch. Jim's mother managed the apartment complex we were in (Jim's apartment) and before she met me, had to replace the carpet in that apartment because of my really lovely puke. One of my shining moments, don't you think?

5.) Describe your perfect day.

I win, inherit or find millions of dollars. Then, do whatever the hell I want!

FEAST

OK y'all, I just possibly watched the best horror movie on the planet. I have a new favorite, and it may even surpass Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if that is even possible.

Jim and I had "Horror Fest" starting Friday night. (It was Friday the 13th, you know!) We rented 6 horror movies and had popcorn and candy.

"Feast" is FUCKING AWESOME. I mean it. It has everything, a generous amount of gore, appropriate suspense, a good story, and the most hilarious script EVER. Even the monsters are good, even if a little cheesy. I was never bored, and I think in one part I laughed so hard I peed a little. It was obvious that it was the director's intention for you to laugh. The director takes every horror movie cliche and fucks with it. At first, I thought, "OK, this is corny", but as it progresses, the corniness is absolute perfection because you need the comic relief. The rest of the movie is like OMG did that just happen? When's the last time you could say that about a horror movie? I've been so disappointed with horror movies in the last 10 years or so. Every now and then one comes out that I like, but I'm never so "wowed" that I'm clapping at the end. I'm buying this movie. Seriously, if you are a horror fan, you'll love it.

As for the other 5 movies I rented? Meh.

"Unrest" - It was OK. Slow start. Pretty good rental.
"See no Evil" - Lacking. A couple of good kill scenes.
"Hard Candy" - Good acting, decent movie, but I wouldn't buy it.
"Pulse" - Stupid.
"The Pumpkin Karver" - I wanted to rip my own eyeballs out. I was laughing, but it wasn't the director's intention.

Strangers watching me sleep.

I woke up every 2 hours last night. Which is nothing new. I'm not particularly stressed or anything, I just have sleeping issues. I can fall asleep in 8 nanoseconds, but then I keep waking up. I actually went to see a specialist on Tuesday about this and he wants me to go to a sleep clinic so they can figure out what's going on with me. Great. Strangers watching me sleep. That should be neat.

I don't know what else to say. I've really got blogger's block. I could like, take a picture of my hand or something, but I'm not sure that would captivate you.

Oh, just watched the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom creates an abstract sculpture that looks exactly like a vagina. It was pretty freakin' funny. Would you buy it?

Date Night & Freaky Weather

Well, I'm being hounded to post, but I don't know what to say, so here's goes nothing. Hubby and I went to dinner and a movie last night. I unhinged my jaw and ate a Bonzai Burger at the Red Robin, then we went to see "The Reaping". We liked it, although it's getting horrible reviews. It wasn't scary, but it was an interesting story line, and I love Hillary Swank. I am totally dragging ass today now, though. That is all the excitement. Truly. I have no idea what we're doing this weekend, except I know we are going to Jim's parent's house for Easter dinner. Oh, here is something, it supposed to be 80 degrees today. Yeah. 4 days ago, it snowed 4 inches, now its 80. WTF? I need to go do some work, so later dudes.

Um, it's April, right?

We woke up to almost 4 inches of snow this morning. SNOW. It was close to 70 degrees all last week, now its fricking snowing. My town is the only one that seemed to get dumped on because we have our own private convergence zone here, but still. I want to BBQ and shit right now, not snowshoe.

I ended up only having 2 (albeit LARGE) margaritas on Friday, but I woke up at 3 am needing Aleve for my pounding head. I'm getting old, just can't party like I used to. Saturday, we rented "Turistas", which was OK, nothing special. They only had ONE scene where some girl was getting her organs stolen, so I felt jipped. Then, I went and bought a firewire cable so that I could download my camcorder videos to my computer. That pretty much took up the rest of the weekend. Not a whole lot of excitement, but like I said, I'm getting old. It just doesn't take much to entertain me anymore.

Jack-a-Ritas

Instead of champagne, I decided on Friday night margaritas. Yeah, baby! So, I go to the liquor store on the way home to get some tequila. For some reason I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels, then a lime at the register. Don't ask, because I just don't know. I then tell the cashier that I've been promoted and I'm going to have some margarita fun, again, don't ask. He smiles, looks at the Jack Daniels and the lime, then back up at me and says, "Congratulations." I skip out the door, and about 1/2 way home I realize that I am a gigantic retard. Jack-a-ritas? Oops. When I get home and tell Jim what I did, he laughs and offers to go exchange the Jack for Jose. Derr. In a big way. The guy at the liquor store must be thinking, "What the hell did she get promoted to, executive ditch digging?" Anyway, Mr. Cuervo and I are having a nice love affair tonight. I may be puking later.

Good News!

I just got a big promotion at work! It includes many more dollars! Wheee! I am so excited.

Oh, and by the way, I know I haven't been posting regularly, but if I don't start getting more than 2 readers a day, I'm shutting down this show. So, tell your friends and family to read. Now, shoo, because I hear a bottle of champagne calling my name.

The traffic guy is NOT my friend, but Cherry NyQuil IS.

So, not only have I been surviving on Cherry NyQuil for the past 7 days, but the radio traffic guy totally dis'd me. Yes, that's right. Let me share this special story with you.

We had a few days of hard rain, and that always means some sort of flooding in the rural area I live in. The other morning on the way to work, I ran into some crazy dead-stopped traffic. After an hour and a half of wanting to bash my head into my steering wheel, I found out that one of the bridges on my commute was closed due to flooding, and traffic was being re-routed and that was why it was so backed up. I got to work really late and hacking my head off because my NyQuil was wearing off. The next day was the same traffic mess, but I left a little early to try and avoid some of it. I was listening to my favorite talk radio station and the traffic report came on. The traffic guy said that some people had called in and were wondering why traffic was so bad in this area, and he responded that he had no idea and hadn't heard anything but would look into it. I knew! I knew and the traffic guy didn't! I don't know why this excited me, but I decided to be a good citizen and call the radio station so that my co-commuters would understand why they were frustrated and stressed. I'm just that kind of gal. The radio guy answered, and I explained the situation. He was very appreciative for my call and said he would relay the info to the traffic guy. He even asked my name so that I could get full credit. I told him.

All proud of myself, I turned the radio back on and awaited the next traffic update. Sure enough, the first thing he said was "We have received an answer to the traffic problems in blah-blah area from our nice caller Cheryl". He went on telling the whole Seattle area exactly what I told him and kept thanking Cheryl for the information. Wow! I felt like a celebrity! But, oh no, no, that 15 minutes of fame would not last. They give the traffic update every 10 minutes, and of course since I wanted to keep hearing my name on the radio, I kept listening. In the very next update, the dude says this, "Well, we took the chopper over blah-blah bridge, and it appears to be open, and traffic is flowing nicely, so I'm not sure what was going on there, but there really is no problem so never mind that last report." WHAT THE FUCK?

I had JUST passed two big orange signs that said the bridge was closed, and I was still stuck in traffic! Oh, wait a minute.

There goes a D.O.T. worker and he is TAKING THE SIGN DOWN. It was a total conspiracy against me. They opened the bridge not 5 minutes after I called. NO! I look like a fool! An idiot! A prank caller! But I was just trying to help!

I wanted to call back and tell them I wasn't crazy, but then I started thinking that they probably have caller ID and would yell at me or not let me call anymore, or report me as a stalker or something, so I didn't. I just sat there. I cussed out my radio and turned it off. That'll show 'em! I won't listen to them for the whole rest of the day! Screw the radio! Screw the commuters! Screw everybody! I told Jim about my public embarrassment, but he just laughed at me. A lot. Then it hit me. I need to get a life.

My throat is KILLING ME.

I can barely swallow. I've been super sick since Thursday night. My throat hurts so bad right now that I can't sleep, and now it's 2:30 in the morning. Everybody is snoring and I'm walking around whining and bitching and no one can hear me! Bah! I just ate some ice cream, and although it tasted great, it didn't help my throat much. I'm going to go try and find something to watch on T., but my hopes are not high. This blows.

Who are you?

OMG, I'm sick of these, but I was tagged, so whatever. I erased the repeats and stuff I've answered before.

Who are you? CrazyDogMama!

1) First of all, how old are you? 35.
2) Do you believe in reincarnation? Nope.
3) If you found out your best friend was gay/lesbian, what would you do? Nothing.
4) Do you consider yourself a good listener? Sure.
5) Would you rather be short or tall? Short
6) Would you consider your relationship with your parents bad, okay, good? Good, but could be better.
7) Do you like to dance? Only when I am by myself.
8) Are you shy to ask someone out? I have never asked anyone out, the guy had to ask. It's old fashioned, not shyness.
9) Do you like to talk on the phone? Not really. I like to talk to my husband on my way home from work, though.
10) Would you rather go on a walk or watch tv? TV
11) Do you think boys or girls have it easier? Guys.
12) If you had a round-trip ride in any time machine, where would you go? To my early 20's.
13) If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Spy on people.
14) Do you like Adidas, Nike, Fila, or Reebok [or any other brand]? I guess I like Nike.
15) If you could change your name, what would it be? My name is fine.
16) If you were in a theater and someone was crying, would you laugh? No, that's mean.
17) What's the hardest thing about growing up? Marriage
18) What little unknown talents do you possess? I'm not telling.
19) Would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? No.
20) If this Saturday, you could do ANYTHING you wanted, what would you do? Go to Disneyland.
21) What's the worst word(s) you know? I don't know, but I'm sure I use them every day.
22) Have you ever wanted to run away? Daily.
23) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No, unless my dogs count. They are stuffed full of food, poo, pee and mischief.
24) If you were stranded on a deserted island with one person, who would it be? Superman.
25) What is your favorite gum? Cinnamon.
26) How do you eat an Oreo? Dip in milk, shove in mouth.
27) Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork? I do not eat chicken fingers.
28) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yes.
29) If you could do anything to the person you hated most what would it be? I don't hate anyone.

DOB: 11-12-71
Sex: Female
Height : 5'4"
Hair Color: Blonde-brown
Eye Color: blue
Location: Sultan, WA
School: Bachelor of Arts UW
Pets: 2 dogs and a husband
Dream Job: Photographer
Fav Subject: Art
Fav Sport: Gymnastics
Least Fav: Basketball
Fave Month: November
Fav Toothpaste: Mentadent

All is well in the dog food department.

I have received mail from concerned folks about the pet food recall going on, and if Lou and Mags were OK. They are great, I buy "Natural Balance" dog food. I tried to switch them to cheaper food awhile back, but they wouldn't have it. I'm so glad! If I had been feeding them the recall food, I would be in full-on panic mode right now.

I know I suck, you don't have to tell me.

I have no excuse for not blogging, I just haven't wanted to lately. BUT, because I love you all so much, I'll blog just for you today. Last Friday my company left early at 1pm to go bowling for a little corporate competition. It was a hoot, especially the open bar part. Double rum and coke and double margarita on the rocks if you must know. I got high girl's score at 151! I didn't know I had it in me. After that (with the alcohol in me), Jim and I went to dinner at his ex-wife's house. I KNOW. We were there to discuss how to discipline the kid who has been getting in trouble lately. It went fine, nothing really juicy to report.

Then, all day Saturday and Sunday, we cleaned. We dusted, vacuumed, did laundry & dishes and generally were a very boring married couple. And you wonder why I haven't been blogging? Blah. Nothing exciting happening. That is all. That is all I can think of to write. I'm eating a banana right now, I'm tired, and really nothing to say.

These are the lies.

#2 - I never had to draw my gun as a cop.
#6 - I started smoking when I was 19, not 17.
#8 - I've only driven up to 90 mph.
#10 - I've only been in one fight. It was with a girl named Shara in Jr. High. I kicked her ass.

I guess the skydiving thing is kind of iffy. My knees are shot and I'm too fat, but I guess if I were totally fit and trim and someone else paid for it, I MIGHT, and I say MIGHT do it again. Probably not, though, I'm getting old. My hay-day is over, I'm afraid. It was great fun, though, when I did it, and I have some amazing pics. I jumped 7 times.

Slacker

I know I've been a total slacker, I just haven't been in the blogging mood. You know what I mean? I've been in the "don't-get-up-from-the-couch-unless-you-have-to" kind of mood.

It snowed again last week, and we got 9 inches. It melted the next day, but still. It is supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow. The wackiness continues. Everyone has been sick at work, one by one, so the work has been piling up, and lo and behold I'm actually trying to change my eating habits AGAIN. I'm trying to do BFL-style eating, but really small portions every two hours or so. For me, this means being constantly hungry for about two weeks (until I get used to it) even though I'm constantly eating. Having a half of a sandwich just makes my stomach angry. It's all like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Anyway, I got tagged to do this stupid lie detector thingy. I am supposed to list off a bunch of things about myself and you are supposed to determine whether or not each item is true or false. So here goes, I guess.

1. I once vomited creamed corn all over the dinner table because my mom forced me to eat it.

2. I drew my gun only once when I was a cop.

3. My hair turned naturally curly overnight when I was 24.

4. I won't eat meatloaf.

5. I have had premonition dreams.

6. I started smoking when I was 17.

7. I threw a paper airplane at a corvette when I was young, and the guy slammed on his brakes and ran after me screaming obscenities.

8. I have driven a car at over 100mph.

9. I will never jump out of an airplane again, voluntarily.

10. I've been in many fights.

Let me hear those guesses people, which ones are false?