Goodbyes are hard.

I have two weeks left, but everyone else had to leave today. Very sad.

Breakfast of Champions

It is an iced mocha and sausage biscuit with cheese kind of morning. I don't care about clogged arteries today. Or any other day for that matter. Fuck it, bring me cheese.

Thelma & Louise

You know what's fun to watch? Thelma and Louise. Sue me, but I love that movie.

So much to do, so little motivation.

The phone interview went well. The lady interviewing me commented that she wasn't supposed to ask me "personal questions" but wanted to ask some (fun ones), so I said, "Sure!" and we chatted and laughed for quite a while. I LIKE THAT! Jobwise they need a lot of controls established, which is my forte! I am supposed to be scheduled for a face-to-face interview in a week or two because the company is crazy-busy (good sign!), so they asked for my patience. I have none of that, but I am pleased with them so far, so OK.

I have never been so busy in all my life. Not even when I had 2 jobs and a scrapbooking business. Seriously. All I feel like I'm doing is running in circles. Phone calls, emails, paperwork, interviews, getting 3 months of work done in two weeks, computer guy coming tomorrow to get files off of my old fried laptop, taking the car in for work, training other people to do my work, buying another airline ticket to go to California to drive my mom back, going to those market research things where they pay you cash for your opinion, ordering dog food, setting up COBRA, getting blood drawn, taking dog to the vet. AAHH!

Sympathy? Anyone?

Cold Hell

This cold/flu thing I've got going on is kicking my butt. You could say I'm in "Cold" hell.  I've been upset and stressed out for so long that my poor little body just can't handle anything. I think we are designed to deal with 'spurts' of stress, not years. I went right to bed last night, no blogging, no TV, no answering the phone.

Anyway, I have another interview today and this is an important one. It is a phone interview, but I'm really interested in this job. Wish me luck.

Miserable

I finally got the cold everyone has. It's lovely. When I bend over, snot FALLS out of my nose. I'm miserable, and what terrific timing! It's fun how the older you get, the harder it is on you. I feel like I can hardly move, and everything seems surreal. Pray it goes away quick, I don't have time for this!

Interview time!

I'm sitting here in my car waiting for the longest train in the history of the world. Might as well blog.

I have an interview today. I'm all dressed up, hair in a French twist. I really hate interviews. I want to waltz in there and tell them just to save time because I can do this job in my sleep and no one else will be as accurate as my anal retentive, perfectionist ass who will make friends with everyone instead of piss off all the engineers like most people in my field do. I hate beating around the bush. Let's just get the job done. Instead, I have to be all politically correct and sell my talents gracefully. Bah!

I'm trying to pull up.

Got some interviews lined up this week. Let's see if any of them want to loosen the purse strings a bit. I'm trying to pull up. It is hard watching your world crash around you. I am just so overwhelmed I can't even think. I have 2 audits to get my company through (just found out about a surprise FDA audit next week, neat) and some of my hopeful prospects are not living up to my expectations. I just can't even GUESS what my future holds right now. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I'm not exactly a Pollyanna kind of person. I'm a bit jaded. I call it realistic. I got an email about a job in Colorado. Interesting. I'll think about it.

Down

I'm really, really down.

My Epic Halloween Party

The epic Halloween party I had!  In order, we have:  Amy & Hole (Beth), Juice (Annie), creepy bathroom, creepy food, Hole (Beth), Melissa, Michael (Jim), crackberry addicts, ping pong, creepy water cooler, and zombie Denin!

Geriatrics

Well, we had fun, I love my friends to death, especially when they are willing to drive so far out to see my craziness, but dude I feel like a geriatric. We were all yawning by 10 pm. LOL. I didn't drink very much; I'm feeling done with that too. I think this will be my last party. I do have some fun pics but I'm too tired, need bed.

CrazyDogMama the Vampire

Vamping out. A few pics of me getting ready. I need a good neck to nibble on, any volunteers?

Parties are Work

Have I mentioned how much work parties are? Holy crap! No one better bail on me or I will hunt you down.

I've been working like a dog getting this place ready! It does look way cool if I do say so myself. There will be lots of pics, so you all who are invited better dress up, because you will be plastered all over the internet one way or another.

The devil in the details.

Re-labeling my wine bottles. Yup, I get that detailed. My parties are serious business!

Decorations are coming together.

A sneak peek at my Halloween party decorations. I haven't even gotten started yet!

Necklace

Like my necklace? I love it! The colors are so pretty.

I don't know what to do about anything.

I can't work anymore today, I'm going home. I'm really sick of drama and chaos. I just want normal. For once in my life, I just want normal. No one wants to pay worth a damn right now. I'm hoping for one thing to come through, but I don't know. Maybe I'll just be Bohemian again and wait tables and live in apartment. What do you think? No? Up all night, sleep all day? I told you I was in a crappy mood.

You know what strikes me funny right now? The illusion of control. If you think you have control of ANYTHING, you are fooling yourself. You have free will, but no control. Trust me. Like when you are driving a car. You can exercise your free will to follow the rules of the road, go the speed limit, wear your seat belt, and you "feel" in control of the car. But you could get sideswiped. A meteor could fall on you. A deer could run out in front of you. Then you would lose control, because you NEVER HAD IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. That works with any scenario I can think of. You came to my blog today. You were in control of where you surfed the internet, right? Wrong. You used your free will to come here, a decision you made, but what if there was an EMP and all of a sudden no internet was available? What if I deleted my blog? No control. Just free will to make decisions based on availability and other factors. Why did you come to my blog today? (You are probably asking yourself that very question right now.) You have a weird free will, that's why.

Anyway, off of that rant.

I have decided that free will and decision making can suck sometimes. It would be nice right now to just have someone pointing me in the right direction. Petting my head and feeding me Bon-Bons. So much is at stake for me, and I'm just pooped out.

Don't take it personal.

I'm in a super crappy mood. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I don't want to do ANYTHING except sleep right now, and I can't. Sometimes I feel like crying because I'm so tired. Does that sound stupid? I'm tired of throwing up too. That shit needs to stop. If I am short with you today, don't take it personal.

Getting ready to party!

Feeling better this morning, thank God because I have a Halloween party to throw tomorrow night! AAHH!

Not well.

I've not been well today. I haven't kept anything down since after lunch. Must have eaten something bad. I've also been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Meeting with recruiters, phone interviews, and emails. I'm also trying to get my work project done while all this is going on. Just trying to keep it together. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Best Quote

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

Laptops & Lazy Dogs

I was able to score a new laptop! Like I said earlier, I have awesome people in my life. It's a Sony Vaio T5750 from Costco. The dogs were less than thrilled, though, LOL.

Yes, that is a cauldron of candy next to the computer, in case you were wondering. It's awesome, and I will eat every piece, thankyouverymuch.

Sorting Out My Thoughts

I'm lying in bed, not sleeping of course. So many things going through my head. When I blog, it helps me sort out my thoughts, even though I can't write all of them. It is like I'm talking to someone, an old friend or something. I never really envision talking to the masses, but just one special person. That is why I make it personal. I am talking just to you. You and I, sitting and chatting. Want something to eat? I'm thinking of making a sweet pumpkin loaf. Then we could have some good coffee to go with it. Sound good?

Laying here feels different tonight. I feel slightly paralyzed, like something or someone is holding me down, or not allowing me to move much. I feel alone, empty in a way. I'm asking God what to do. Do I do the smart, rational thing and just take a similar job, or do I do something radical? Should I play it safe or risk everything? The world is a crazy place right now and I have some feelings about what will transpire (globally) before the end of the year. I think some may be very surprised. Risk is risky. But then again, no one gets out of here alive.

I have applied for some jobs in both Texas and California, and I have a pretty good prospect right here in WA, too. My friends, family and coworkers have been so great to me, I owe so many people my life, and I would gladly do anything for any of them. The trouble is, I know what I want, but the decisions to get there can be tricky. Then there is this; is what I want good for me? Is there such a thing as destiny? Fate? I'm just an ordinary person, but these are things I ponder.

Everything is starting to sink in now.

I'm not sure how to feel. I'm hopeful, but scared, doing alright, yet very sad. I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I was really strong at work, but now I'm intermittently crying a little. So many unknowns are overwhelming. Over the last year I have been completely SLAMMED from any and all comfort zones. It's weird. This has all happened for a reason, I know that for sure.

I lost my job.

I'm employed through the middle of November to finish up some projects and I received an INSANELY awesome severance package. They are devastated over having to do the layoffs, it isn't anything that anyone did or didn't do, it's the economy. I'm in good spirits, however, because some pretty great opportunities have presented themselves to me. I won't be able to talk about those right away of course, though. Going home for the day to regroup and process this news.

I don't know anything yet.

Big meeting tomorrow morning at work; I'll know then. Another fun night of wondering. You know what? I'm ready for something good to happen to me. I really am. More than just my job scenario. I want to be happy for at least a little while. Please God? Live my dream for a day? Maybe 2 days?

Well, here I go.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. At a certain point I just shut off. You have to. Wish me luck. I do wish I could talk to my dad right now. I don't know why I'm thinking of this, but I remember when I was first a cop, my dad was so excited. My mom was freaking out, but my dad was excited. He bought a scanner so he could try and listen to my radio calls. I was good on the radio, maybe I should do dispatch. Sadly, it's not enough money. I have to go now; you'll know when I know.

Bill Paying Ambiance

Paying bills with my friend here. It's kind of appropriate.

Welcome to my world.

I'm very anxious tonight. I can't seem to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I'm on the verge of pacing. Have you ever felt like something big was going to happen? Or have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you were going to break in two? Can't follow my thoughts? Welcome to my world.

Doesn't get much more pitiful than this.

Someone come up with a caption for this one.

I need to pee, mom!

Mom, GET UP! It's time for breakfast and if you don't let me out, I will pee on the floor!

What do you wake up to?

Feeling Strange

I'm feeling very strange tonight. I don't know if I'm afraid of the layoffs or if I'm afraid of being a Documentation Specialist the rest of my life. I have to make a certain amount of money to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, so it's not like I have some grand opportunity to reinvent my work life. If I do have to get back out there and interview, it won't feel exciting and new like it did back in my 20's. It will feel like I'm just searching for a new cube. A new commute. I work hard, I take pride in doing my best and I thank my Lord for each and every paycheck. I haven't been let down, I seem to always have enough, I think I'm just having a midlife crisis or something. I want (and try) to be optimistic and hopeful and positive, but honestly, I just wake up every day and try to make it through. It's no way to live, I can tell you that, but what do I do to change it? I've tried what seems like everything. Something is just missing.

I keep having the same dream over and over again. It is actually a wonderful dream instead of the nightmares I usually have, but the problem is when I open my eyes and realize it isn't real, and that it's not something I can "make" real, I get depressed. Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but thanks for reading all the same. Goodnight my dear readers, even if I don't know you.

The Spitfire Grill

I just finished a really, really good movie. It is older, but it was a good time for me to see it. If you get a chance, watch "The Spitfire Grill", you won't be disappointed!

Too Old

I'm never ever drinking that much again ever. I'm too old for that shit. I had to sit in my car until I was OK to drive, then later crash at my mom's because I have a headlight out and I live too far out. STUPID. I haven't done that in years and I forgot what a lightweight I was.

Now I get to clean the house with a hangover and wonder all weekend if I'll have a job on Monday. That is, if they tell us then. I'm in kind of a bad mood so I'll blog later. I just wanted to let my friends know I was alive.

Somebody needs to drive me home.

Stand by, busy getting lit with my co-workers who may not be my co-workers on Monday. It's funny, they keep buying me shots but nobody else is having them. Working with all men is fun.

NOTE: You know I'm drunk when I post the same pic twice. I've since deleted it, but WOW.

So Many Things

I have so many things to talk about and share, I don't even know where to start. Give me some time to think about it and collect myself. I'm SUPER busy right now with a side of insane, so be patient. Thanks.

Washing your hands with toothpaste.

I learned this morning that washing your hands with toothpaste isn't the best idea. I was half asleep and I use Mentadent toothpaste which stands upright just like my soap dispenser, which is right next to it. I'm just glad I didn't use soap to brush my teeth.

Haagen-Dazs can go to hell.

They have stopped making "Chocolate Chocolate Chip". WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?

I'm watching "Lake Dead" from Horrorfest 2007 to take my mind off of things. It would be NICE to have my favorite ice cream, but NO. 

Need AK47 & rooftop.

What a day. Let me see if I can describe it in short words and phrases: Limbo-land, email insanity, phone ringing off the hook, need a cigarette, calm panic, ulcer, contacts galore, resumes, rumors, tired, hungry, headache, frustrated, need AK47 & rooftop.

Predicament

Just the little bit of traveling I did wore me the hell out. I got home and crashed. I am looking at everything I have to do, including the pile of bills I have to pay, which reminds me of my predicament. I need to figure out how to get a computer, and FAST.

I'm home.

Flight was pretty uneventful except the ugly obnoxious kid sitting in front of me kept farting. It was BAD.

Back to work tomorrow, won't know anything until next week. Just going to kick back and relax the rest of the day. No more fun Cali pics for a while. Poo.

Is it too early to drink?

Getting ready to board. No Crackberry for 3 whole hours! I'll get twitchy. Is it too early to drink?

I haven't been on an airplane since 2001.

I've heard it's changed a bit since then. I have to go home today and face reality. I guess if I get laid-off, I can come back.

Way better than working.

I need someone to lay in the sun with. It's kinda boring by yourself. Way better than working, though.

Everyone is so friendly!

You know what I like about California? Everyone is so friendly! I did a little shopping today and stopped to get a coffee while my mom was doing her errands, and I got doors held open for me by men (that is a BIG plus in my book), smiles from everyone I walked by, and had a fun little chat with the little barista girl who was as cute as a button. It all put me in good mood! Back home I might as well be invisible. Men let doors slam in my face and store clerks grunt at me even if I compliment them. When are people going to learn that NICE goes a long way? I give huge tips when my service is friendly. Plus, it always comes back to you when you go the extra mile. Just my advice for the day.

It's hot! Finally! I ran upstairs to put my swimsuit on and promptly got poolside. My mom and I are going out to a nice dinner for my last night, so I get to dress up. Well, not super fancy, but you know, put my hair up and wear bling.

Perfect Breakfast

OMG, fresh squeezed orange juice (right off the tree!) and an egg-white quiche fresh out of the oven! Perfect breakfast. Have no idea what to do for my last day, but it is going to include the sun.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now.

Can't sleep tonight. I can't complain either, though, because I've had some of the best sleep here in the last few days than I've had in a while.

I'm out on the patio off my bedroom gazing at the stars (and blogging). I am guzzling water, too. Carl's Jr. make me thirsty. Other than smelling the California fires in the distance, it is really nice out here. I can see Orion, and the Big and Little Dippers. I am surprised I can see the stars so clearly here. It is not as quiet as back home, but it is peaceful. I don't believe in Astrology, I actually think it's kind of dumb (sorry), but Astronomy fascinates me. I could look at the stars for hours.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now, and what I will be doing. It's scary and exciting to think about it. My mom said something along those lines tonight, she wondered what the next year would bring. She asked me what I was doing this time last year and one of the perks of having a blog is, I could tell her. I had just smashed my thumb into oblivion. LOL. I had no idea back then what was in store for me. Isn't it funny how you really never can guess what life is going to do? Yes, it has been a tough year, and there are many people I miss, but there were some good things too. Some good things that changed my life. I didn't see any of it coming, but I'm glad about that. Bad surprises and good surprises. And many more to come.

Right now? I'm just trying to live in the moment.

Left alone with my thoughts.

You wanted to see more pictures of my feet, right? That's what I thought. Here they are, kicking and splashing in the pool. At night.

My mom went to bed, and I've been left alone with my thoughts. This is where the problem lies. I'm thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm scared. Everyone keeps saying it will be alright, and not to worry, but I feel alone, even though I'm married. It is hard to have hope sometimes; being human and all. There is nothing I can do about anything that is happening (or not happening) to me. I pray that God will give me peace regardless of where I end up.

Carl's and a Cold Pool

Carl's Jr. for dinner. My eating is stellar these days.

I'm sitting outside in the warm wind. There will be no skinny dipping at night this time, the pool is like glacier water. That would hurt, if you know what I mean. LOL.

Water & Wind

Playing in the ice-cold pool. With wind. I wish they would just tell me now whether or not I have a job so that if I didn't, I could just stay here.