What is going on with me.

So, what is going on with me besides brainwave stabilization? Well, my dance card has been full this week. Out to coffee last night, dinner with mom tomorrow, out with the girls on Thursday and hopefully getting my hair done and then a date with cognac on Friday. I'm tired already.

Brainwave Stabilization

After my minor meltdown the other day, I experienced what I call 'dead calm'. Everything that had been haunting me and puzzling me, came into focus. My emotions stopped, and my brain started. Everything was suddenly (eerily) crystal clear to me. I have been "calm, cool and collected" ever since. Even at this moment. What seemed so impossible to me before, doesn't seem so complicated now. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm using the left half of my brain more?

I don't go to therapy much anymore, but I did go today, and she said some things to me that made me feel pretty good. She told me that despite all the difficulties and tragedy that I have been through in such a short period of time, that I have progressed in mental "maturity" at a staggering rate. My thinking is different. She said she has never had a client that tackled their challenges so forcefully and successfully, so quickly. My brain waves were the most calm and stable today since I started therapy (EEG Biofeedback), which means I am finally operating without debilitating anxiety and fear. I was extremely calm, logical and rational (I know, I know, you don't believe it.). I was actually articulating my thought process well. I still have some "life navigating" to do (don't we all), but it is controlled and thought-out now, rather than a jumble of ideas rattling around going nowhere.

She could have just been pumping sunshine up my ass to boost my esteem, but truly, for the first time, maybe EVER, I feel like I'm finally moving forward in my life with a lot more confidence, and a lot less crazy. And I'm not taking any crap. Look out world.

Significant Personal Challenges

I'm sorry my blogging sucks right now. I'll do the best I can, as often as I can, but I am facing significant personal challenges/changes at the moment, and I can't talk about it in much detail online.

Long Shower

I just got out of a really long, hot shower. I never do that. I just sat on the side of the tub and let the water fall on top of me for an hour. Is that weird?

Meltdown

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Meltdown. It started about 2:30 am. I don't know how much I want to talk about it, but there was crying and yelling. Frustration. There is no point in getting up today, but I have to. Life goes on, like it or not. My marriage is in trouble. I need a hug. Well, I need more than a hug, but I'll take what I can get.

Too Much Crab

Speaking of eating, I just ate entirely too much crab. I feel sick. It's not good. Aren't you glad I'm telling you about it? Maybe I should go for a walk or something. This is when I need a beach. A nice walk along the surf would be nice right about now.

Future is so bright, I gotta wear shades?

Something Strange

I wake up with a voracious appetite. And I mean voracious! Most people I know don't even eat breakfast, and certainly aren't starving when they wake up. I could eat a steak dinner when I wake up. It's weird, no? During the week I don't get up with enough time to eat, but on the weekends I go straight to the frig. Is there anyone else out there like this? Probably not. LOL.

Help Me!

My computer DIED. It is completely fried. It worked fine yesterday, and today it won't turn on AT ALL. It's like no power is getting to it. I know the power works on the outlet because my printer and scanner still come on, but the computer is just pitch black. I've checked to make sure everything is plugged in, and it is, but if the power pack (adapter) died, then the battery source should kick in, right? Unless they are both fried. I don't know what to do. Should I take it to the shop? Just buy a new power pack and battery? I can't afford a new laptop. SHIT! Thank God for the Crackberry! But I can't do anything with my digital pics, or get to my online banking. This sucks the big one. HELP ME!

Best Fajitas

"Mi Tierra" has the best fajitas, hands down! How boring do you have to be to take a pic of your dinner every night? Gah. Sorry guys, I'm TRYING to get a life. LOL.

Thrill a minute.

My new earrings. It's a thrill a minute around here. Fuck, is there anyone even out there? Hello?

If I could be doing anything.

This is what I would want to be doing. I don't know who these people are, I just like the photo. I wonder if it is authentic or staged. This is one of my dreams. Maybe someday.

Breakfast Kick

I did something really bad. I stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. The shame. I've been on this breakfast kick for some reason. I don't know. Now the grease ball is sitting in my stomach like a meteorite. UG. Why do we do these things to ourselves? McDonald's is the devil.

Breakfast for dinner!

Yup, that is ketchup on my hashbrowns. You HAVE to have ketchup on hashbrowns. My mom and I went to a pancake house for dinner. I of course had to have eggs benedict. I'm getting in trouble for blogging. Apparently its rude. Go figure.

Dogtown and Dancing

On the lighter side of life, I love the National Geographic channel. "Dogtown" will MELT your heart! If it wasn't in Utah, I think I would volunteer there! They help dogs who have been deemed "unhelpable". It is the coolest place EVER. Dogs are so awesome.

One other thing, shh, don't tell anyone, I have agreed to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with my friends Juice and Hole next Thursday night. Hehe. I told them we should practice during commercials. NO, there will be no video.

Got Chili?

This is a great spicy chili recipe!

It works best to cook it in a big soup pot, or Dutch oven. Make sure your ingredients are the highest quality you can find/afford.

Also, I don't always use beans. I actually prefer chili "Texas Style" with all meat. If you go for that, just up the amount of beef/sausage you use to compensate.

This recipe is popular at potlucks, but in that case I take it down a notch with the spices. At home, it is no-holds-barred!

1.5 lbs. ground beef (lean)
1 lb. ground Italian sausage (sweet or spicy)
3 onions, chopped
2 jalapeños (fresh), chopped
1 cup red wine
1 cup water
2 8 oz. cans tomato paste
28 oz. of whole tomatoes, diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 15 oz. can kidney beans
1 15 oz. can chili beans OR black beans
1/4 cup chili powder (I use spicy)
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tbsp granulated sugar
2 tbsp oregano
1 tbsp basil
1 tsp cumin
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt

Brown ground beef, sausage, onion and garlic, then drain. Add all other ingredients and simmer on medium heat for 20 minutes, then turn to low and simmer for 1 and a half hours, stirring occasionally. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and shredded cheese.

Makes 12 servings.

Sometimes I add chopped green peppers and tarragon. Use warm tortillas to dip! YUMMY.

Mailbag

Many of you would like to know what is meant by my new mantra at the top "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.", so instead of answering a bunch of individual emails about it, I thought I'd post about it. I found this statement by accident, really, but I thought it was profound and that it had much truth to it. To me it means to "die to self", so you can live in Christ. It is a Christian thing, but the actual quote came from a Jewish man named Morrie Schwartz from his book "Tuesdays with Morrie".

Here are some excerpts to give you a general idea:

"By living each day as if it could be our last, we relate to each life experience passionately, powerfully, and memorably."

"Have you ever experienced something so memorable that it is impossible to forget it? Most of us forget a large percentage of the people we meet, the places we go, the events we experience. But certain things stick out in our minds and are never forgotten. Why? What's special about those memorable times?"

"There don't seem to be too many days or happenings that we lock in like this. How can we produce more experiences and days to be lived as powerfully? Morrie tells us: Learn how to die, and you learn how to live."

Thoughts

Because people generally don't talk about it, I've often wondered about it. What is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? What is the last thing you think about when you go to bed? What dominates your thoughts during the day?

I know everyone has to focus on work or tasks, family matters, that sort of thing, but I suspect, unless I am a complete freak, that other things creep in there, maybe thoughts that repeat themselves for you privately each day.

If you were on a secluded beach somewhere right now, with no worries of finances or work or family, what would your thoughts land on? Where would your mind wander to?

I don't expect you to answer, of course, but because I find myself going back to certain thoughts so frequently (that aren't just the day's agenda) I thought I would put it out there for you to ponder as well. What did reading this post make you think of? You never know, it could be really important!

Anyway, happy thoughts to you!

Bling Mail!

I love getting mail! Especially when it is jewelry made special for me!

Here is my new Crackberry charm and matching earrings! (Because that is important.) Yes, I know this is what 12-year-old girls do, but I don't care, you see. I don't want to grow up. Growing up sucks. Getting these, made my crappy day just a little better! I'm sparkly now and hip with the youth. HA. Not so much. I'm just an old fart looking silly.

OMG, where is the liquor?

Busy, stupid, hair-pulling Monday. Every two minutes someone was bellowing, "Are you done with that yet?" into my cubical. Which I love. But now it's over. Thank God.

For the end of my day? A doctor's appointment. Joy. I am asking for drugs. All they can say is no, and they probably will, but I'm going to try.

My mom surprised me and came to take me to lunch. It was very sweet, and an escape for a while was much needed. Thanks Ma! I had a chicken sammy, and an iced mocha.

Oh, how I miss the pool.

This is a shot I took at night that I thought turned out cool. It looks so inviting to me. I really miss the pool, and the warm summer nights.

It is cold, dark and rainy today and I'm sitting by the window drinking some coffee. Maybe I'll put some Bailey's in it.

When you go in the pool at night, at first it is a little cold, but then it soon feels like a bathtub, and you don't want to get out. I don't know why I like that so much, but I do. Anyway, I am daydreaming about it. One day it won't be a daydream. Maybe many things won't.

Doorjamb

I just woke up, walked down the hallway, and ever so gracefully SLAMMED MY FOOT INTO THE DOORJAMB. Yep, I'm all ready for fight club, and I'm starting with the doorjamb. DAMN that hurts!

Not a good start to the day. Maybe I'll go slam my fingers in the front door next.

Funny

This struck me funny; I don't know why.

At a car dealership:

Customer: "I think there is something wrong with my brakes."

Service guy: "What is going on with them?"

Customer: "They no longer stop the car."

LOL!

This day just needs to end now.

Well, I came home from work and crashed hard. One of those don't even take your clothes off kind of crashing. Just woke up and now I'm hungry and will be up all night. How retarded can you get? Guess it's time for a horror movie night.

Everything I touched today at work was a problem. Ever had one of those days? It was almost funny at a certain point.

Now Louie just puked all over the floor. Super. I'm thinking this day just needs to end now.

Completely Different People Now

A very nice dinner with my mom tonight. We sat next to this cozy fireplace and ate entirely too much tasty food. We discussed some deep topics. Many things have happened to us both (internally) in the last several months. This time last year I was a completely different person than I am now. Too much to go into on a blog, but important to note, nonetheless.

Martini's & Lips

Martini night fun. Great friends, great conversation, great time. (I'm still banging my head against the table from the political discussion, though, hehe.) Juice, you'll have to bring Matt next time so I can have somebody in my corner.

Yes, I posted some silly pics. I was bored in the car. We have, "Pucker up and show off the new lip gloss lips", "Trying to be the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips", "Happy thoughts", and "Deer in the headlights". My martini cohorts, Annie and Amy, and my chili pepper lights in the tree.

Pissy Morning Face

Going out with the girls tonight for $3 martini night. Woohoo!

My face will look a lot different then, right now I need caffeine.

A Not-So-Girly Post

I made a breakthrough in therapy today. Finally. This should have been a big "DUH", but it wasn't. I've been making all these changes lately, right? Making some tough decisions, preparing to move away from everything and everyone I know, taking better care of myself, etc. Those are great, but I've still been feeling depressed and stuck and, here's the epiphany. I'm bored! My therapist listened to me today and all of a sudden started flipping through her notes and looked up and said, "You need some stimulation!" I said, "Excuse me?" (LOL) She said you are a 100% adrenaline junkie who has been sitting at home, only occasionally getting out. She said someone like me will never be happy unless I'm stimulating my "adrenaline" somehow. She said I also need to get out and meet people, isolating is a big danger for me. We talked about some things I might be able to do right away, and we came up with one possibility. Boxing Club. That's right, boxing. I used to belong about 8 years ago but had to quit because I was working about 80 hours a week at two jobs. Now I'm not. Boxing is a hoot! It is the BEST workout you will EVER get, and the people there were so nice. One of the guys there told me I have a great right hook.

I hope I can do it. It will take some of the doldrums out and get my blood pumping again. I'll definitely sleep better. GUAR-AN-TEED. Have you ever tried boxing a round? I run out of oxygen in about 45 seconds with sweat POURING off of me. (I know that doesn't sound feminine, but boxing makes you look great naked.) So, let's recap. I'm bored. The solution? Hit people and get kicked in the head. Perfect. If I do it, you will be seeing some pretty entertaining pictures. I'm probably going to have to eat less cheese, though.

Enchiladas & Dead Like Me

Gaze your eyes upon my dinner of cheese. CrazyDogMama's enchiladas. I'm going to watch a rerun of "Dead Like Me" and devour some of these.

Spiders, Fog & Louie

There was a spider blocking the entrance to my car on the way to the GYM. I freaked out and had 100 lb. JENNY kill it for me. I know, an ex-cop afraid of spiders. They make me nuts. I almost shot one once.

My assessment of the fog this morning. Visibility: Not far.

Louie now stands OVER his water dish to eat. He is a truly bizarre dog.

Magnetic Spice Canisters

Everyone needs these. Magnetic spice cannisters for the frig. They are AWESOME. It frees up space in the pantry, and no more hunting for the right spice! I know you will immediately run out and get them.

There is one problem, though. If you are OCD like me, and just one of them gets out of place? Yeah. That's the downside.

Texas?

I guess you could say this is the "same old stuff", but with new info and a twist. Back to Texas talk. California is pretty much out of the picture completely. I don't want to get into the why's, but it is. I am really thinking more and more that I want to try San Antonio. Everything I read about it flips my lid. I know, I know, every single person I tell this to looks at me like I am one sandwich short of a picnic, but seriously? Texas actually fits my personality perfectly. Many people don't know me as well as they think they do. I am a red-meat-eating, sun-basking, thunderstorm-loving, conservative, bible-belt sort of girl who (sorry Nichole) doesn't always recycle properly. (You all know I think we are going to die in a nuclear war anyway, which won't be doing the environment any good.) Flooding? The town I live in floods every single year because the river overflows. BAD. And not only that, but the snow also makes for 9-hour (no joke) commutes in the winter. Snow was fun when I was a kid, but it sucks when you have to drive in it. Bugs? Orkin man. Air conditioning bill? I pay $500 bucks a month NOW in the winter for heat, and almost that much in the summer because I'm constantly watering the million miles of grass I have. (Don't tell my mom.) But you see, there is one thing here. In Texas, my house would be nicer and cheaper (and WILL have a pool) and I could probably make the same amount of money working. So, to me, that is a big difference. I have at 1042 sq. ft house right now, with no fireplace, no pool, made like crap, and my mortgage is almost 2K a month. The housing market is WAY out of control. It is ridiculous. I had to move an hour away from EVERYTHING just to afford what I have.

I've been looking on the internet, and with the equity I would pull away + my stock payout when my job ends, I'd be looking at about a $600 dollar mortgage. BIG difference, no?

Here is a perfect example of a house I would LOVE. 

I've also been looking up the 'culture' in San Antonio and it seems really neat. Fun, friendly people, big festivals (Niosa), etc. In Seattle, if you smile at someone, they glare at you. Generally, people think I'm out of my mind when I strike up conversations with strangers here. You know, the funny thing is, everyone thinks I just came up with Texas out of the blue in the last few months, but the truth is, I've been thinking about it now for around three or four years - ever since I had a dream that I moved there. I just didn't tell anyone.

Anyway, I'm in limbo right now, and I'm making lots of personal changes, but the long and short of it is that no matter how much changing I do here, I'm still in a rut. I've lived here all of my life (except 6 years in California when I was born) and it is time to go. I need to leave some things/memories behind here and start a new life. I wish it would start sooner, but the timing of all things will work out just the way they are supposed to. So, until then, I'll just continue to "clean things up" here and improve myself the best I can until my real adventure starts. Yes, I know about Hurricane Ike. My heart and prayers go out to all affected.

Excited

I just checked my "Aveda Awards" points and didn't realize how many I had racked up! I just sent for my free spa day and hair service. I'm going to get a new "do" and color. I'm keeping it long and blonde (of course) but I need to be a little more up to date with style. As some of you know, I am reinventing myself and starting fresh with many parts of my life right now, so this is a great addition. I love anything Aveda, and since I buy shampoo, conditioner, tea, makeup and get all of my hair care, etc. done in their salon, I get LOTS of points pretty quickly.

I also decided to order some clothes anyway because they have a nice payment deferral program from the place I like to order. I hate to do that, but I'm on a roll here, and I've waited a lifetime to pamper myself. So, the hell with it.

Perfect Combo

Well, I managed to get myself up. The dogs were freaking out, it was funny, licking my face and whining. They are no help.

I made some cookies and am watching the Bridges of Madison County. Such a great movie, the acting is superb, and I always cry at the end. It is so bittersweet. I think the conversations they have are so human and real, and I love it when she comes downstairs in the dress. If you haven't seen it, or haven't seen it in a long time, go rent it or something. Trust me. Make cookies to go with it, it's the perfect combo.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You are not going to believe this. I was taking a nap and the phone rang, the regular land line one. It startled me and as I reached over for it, I fell out of bed. I tweaked the hell out of my back and can't get up. Seriously. If the Crackberry hadn't of fallen off my nightstand on top of me, I wouldn't be blogging.

I am by myself right now, so this is fun. It is not bad enough to call 911 or make anyone drive all the way out here, I'll be fine. This isn't the first time I've hurt my back. It's just annoying. As soon as I can get up, I'll ice it and take some Aleve. That usually works. I feel really stupid.

Going through my grandparent's photos.

There are some funny, funny photos in here. Here are the descriptions of the photos shown:

Me circa 1991 getting ready to go to the horse races with my grandparents in California, posing my ass off.

Me and my grandpa dancing in the pool about 1985 or so. Good times.

Me in the 70's at my grandparent's house modeling a hat like a boss.

My mom took a photo of me eating a bag of Doritos in a bikini and cut the top of my head out of the picture. LOL.

2:54 AM

Do you ever get really, really bored in the middle of the night? Yeah, me either.

Sleeping beauty or insane insomniac? No question there. Then there is Alien McEyeball that refused to sleep in the bed.

I really need a new duvet. That ugly ass one is like 12 years old. The one I want is called "Damask Stripe in Cabernet". It's red. The color of your duvet is important. Is there a pill that makes you stop wanting stuff? I need that.

Blah.

I'm very blah today. A little down. A little sad. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Life is hard to understand - but here we are.

The dogs are staring at me. It must be dinner time. Have no clue what to do for the weekend. Staring into space seems to be the agenda at the moment.

Spicy Mama

If you know me, you know I'm a spicy girl. I like it hot! These just crack me up.

And nothing goes better with spicy than a little Southern Comfort, LOL.

I'm not a booze hound, I swear! I inherited my grandpa's liquor collection. Which was extensive.

Being Silly at Mom's

Went and got a burger with Ma and now we are goofing around on her deck, well at least I am as you can see. She was making me laugh so we caught it on film. She won't let me post pics of her. Crazy woman.

Her and I get really silly when we hang out. She's always trying to get me to come live with her so we can be silly all the time. That is her dog Molly, who I named. I name the dogs.

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 4

Exhausted from sobbing, Sarah slowly got up and prepared for her shower. She tossed her camisole, bra and panties into the sink for washing, and turned the shower knobs on full blast and hot, until the room was steamy.

She let the hot water run over her face and down her body without moving, just standing with her head tilted up towards the shower nozzle. Her face was swollen, her muscles ached, and her arm bled. She just stood, still, for what seemed an eternity. Concerned the hot water may run out, she grabbed the paper-wrapped hotel soap and ripped it open. Oh, how she missed her fragrant, girly soap from home. She hoped maybe someone would get to use it. The hotel soap had a wooden, bland smell, and the shampoo was even worse. She was grateful just to be able to get cleaned up, though, and was enjoying the relaxation. She had no idea how long she had before her next job was presented. The hotel was her rest stop for the moment, and she was now in wait.

As she washed her face, she suddenly started to feel a little faint. Her mind raced and she knew what was happening. She held on to the sides of the shower and slowly lowered herself to the basin floor. She huddled in the corner with her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself, and burying her head so as to shield her face from the hot shower water raining down on her. She started to shake violently and was jolted back and forth, side to side, hitting the shower walls. She heard the familiar whispers, "Test the spirits, test the spirits!” She knew what to do and did it promptly. The jolting stopped, but she still shook. Sarah could no longer hear any sounds, not the shower water, not even her own heartbeat. Nothing. The kind of silence that if it were to continue, may drive a person mad. She could still feel the hot water beating against the top of her head and knees, though.

She waited. Sarah said a small prayer asking for strength, understanding and protection. Just as she finished her prayer, she could see colors everywhere, even though her eyes were tightly closed. Now she could not feel the water hitting her, yet she was warm. The colors moved and started to form a picture. She saw the hotel she was in, then it faded and formed a new picture. This picture was of a coffee shop with a pink “HELP” sign floating against the window. She didn’t understand what that meant. Help who? Help how? Where is the coffee shop? Please, I need more information! she thought to herself. The vision ended like a lightning strike, startling her. She felt the water return and all the sounds of the room. She lifted her head and hoisted herself up. As she reached to turn to the nozzles off, she noticed the cut on her arm was gone. Vanished as if it were never there.

Cooking Block

I'm having a cooking block. Nothing sounds good anymore. I'm reducing myself to mac and cheese tonight. Possibly a hot dog. Yes, I am 5 years old, where's the apple juice?

I'm thinking of following it up with some of my cognac, though. That will help with the writing. HA.

Did anyone catch "Fringe" last night? It was pretty good, done by the same guy who does "Lost", my favorite. The story I'm writing will have some supernatural element to it, so watching my shows is research, LOL.

BTW, what's up with the lack of comments? Not that I ever really got many, but I'm all lonely over here. Throw me a bone. I've been a blogging fool lately, but I think I'm talking to myself.

Nichole, you have been very good lately, that was not for you. I'm surprised you are not saying something about hurricane Ike hitting Texas soon. In all seriousness, though, I hope it takes a turn. The weather is just out of control anymore.

Going to go eat and do some writing. My new hobby to keep me busy.

Edit to the Story

I did a little editing of the last story entry (Chapter 1, Part 3), if you are following it. It sounded goofy. It still sounds goofy, but I'm enjoying doing it, nonetheless. It is strangely freeing. I have so many ideas, but it is not easy getting them organized. That's why I'm practicing on you. I didn't have a good day and it's a good escape.

Blocked

It is a pretty morning, but I'm fairly irritated that the street I live on is completely blocked off and I have to take a 10 minute detour around it. GRRR.

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 3

Sarah touched the necklace softly as tears began to stream down her face. She hated to cry, but there was no way she was going to stop this. She had been holding it back for too long.

She shut her eyes. Six months ago, she had taken a short business trip to Belize, and even though the beauty of the place was incomprehensible, she had been bored and depressed as her new co-workers flitted off to tours, fancy restaurants and dancing, leaving her to herself. She tried to shop, tried to relax in the sun and take in the sights, but she was still alone. As an editor, she was used to time alone, but it was painful when in such a beautiful place.

Giving in to solitude, she had found a small cafe to relax in and grab a drink. That is when she met him. She had noticed a man sitting in the corner, but didn't make eye contact, as she was shy. She felt him looking at her. Staring. She remembers giggling a little when he accidentally spilled his drink as she got up and walked to the ladies' room.

When she got back, much to her surprise, he was standing next to her table. "Do I know you?" she asked; however, she did actually feel like she knew him from somewhere. "No, I'm sorry to bother you, but I had to talk to you." he said, sheepishly. His cheeks started to turn a little red, but he never took his eyes off of her. He had the most penetrating eyes. "I actually have no idea what to say." He smiled and admitted that he had been staring and that something made him get up. He could not let her walk away without talking to her. Sarah didn't know what to say either, but she couldn't explain what she felt when he spoke. She was flattered by his gesture, but something was different. He felt it too, she could tell. It was like no one else was in the world except them at that moment.

The next two days were a blur of indescribable emotions for Sarah. She spent every minute she could with the man from the cafe. They talked, they ate, they drank. When he kissed her, it did more than make her weak in the knees. The last day before Sarah was to leave for home, and as they were walking along the Belizean coast, he turned to her. "Marry me, Sarah. Please, please marry me."

He had already told her he loved her, and she had said it back like they had been a couple for 10 years. Sarah didn't even have to think about it. It never occurred to her that this was absurd and crazy. She didn't ever want to be without him. She couldn't be without him! Never in her 38 years had she ever felt so comfortable, so in love, so herself. She smiled and said "Of course!" He smiled back, a huge grin on his face, such a sincere and honest sigh came out of him as he lifted her up, swung her around and kissed her with so much passion she almost didn't believe it was happening. She finally understood all those silly terms. 'Love at first sight', 'soulmates', and the like. The connection they shared was unreal. Not only did she feel like she had known him all of her life, but they also shared an intense, burning passion for one another, way beyond what she thought existed. Although her carnal thoughts were going all over place, it did not seem like lust or obsession, but almost like a force.

They looked for a jewelry shop, but of course beach towns in Belize are not exactly known for their wedding ring stores. They found a small shop after a few hours with the most colorful and exotic pieces they had ever seen. He picked up the blue topaz necklace and held it up to her face. He lightly brushed her hair back with his fingers and said "Perfect." "It matches your eyes and the color of the sea outside." He bought it and he put it around her neck as a substitute for a ring. For now. Sarah had so much emotion running through her she thought she was going to explode. That night they made love. Every touch was deliberate, every feeling was new, and every emotion was tender. She was dizzy with happiness and contentment; foreign feelings for her until now.

Sarah opened her eyes and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She put her hands over her face and rocked back and forth. "Oh my God, Michael. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I love you so much."

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 2

Even as hot as it was, Sarah couldn't think of anything better than a nice hot, long shower. It had been a few days since she was able to wash, and when she got to the hotel at 2 am, all she had the strength to do was take off her jeans, throw her duffle bag on the cheap yellow velvet chair by the window and fall onto the bed.

She walked over to her bag and dug out her toiletries. A small grey box fell out and tumbled under the bed. She reluctantly got on her hands and knees on the disgusting carpeting to retrieve it. As she reached for it, a loud knock on the door made her suddenly recoil her arm and scrape it against the bed's metal frame. "Housekeeping!" Sarah winced as blood dripped from her forearm. "Can you come back later?" she managed to say. She heard the woman mutter something in Spanish and roll her cart away. Looking for something to wrap her arm with, she reached for the small box with her other.

Sitting on the floor with Kleenex stuck on her arm, she opened the box. It had been at least two weeks since she had gazed at the most important possession that she had left, a small blue topaz on a delicate gold chain. The last thing he gave her before everything happened.

Ice Cream Truck

Before getting back to the story, I have to tell you about our neighborhood ice cream truck. It is the most depressing thing you have ever heard in your life.

It plays the theme song from "Love Story", the movie. I shit you not. Are they trying to stimulate your suicidal thoughts and/or clinical depression so that you will say "fuck it" and buy 12 fudge pops? I know I want one. LOL. Maybe next year they'll play "All by Myself". Seriously, though, what are they THINKING?

My Story, Chapter 1, Part 1

She could feel the heat on her eyelids. The sun was just starting to shine through the sheer white curtains. Sarah rolled away from the bright light and leaned forward. The room was humid and sticky, and as she remembered where she was, a brief moment of panic struck her chest. Her heart palpitated and fluttered. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes. With her hand slightly shaking, she slid some of her hair behind her ear; leaving the other side hanging as she stared down at the dirty beige carpet. The panic slowly faded and her thoughts were diverted to him. She closed her eyes and succumbed to the memory of his hands lightly touching her shoulders from behind, and so softly, almost barely, kissing the back of her neck. Even in the memory she shivered.

Sarah opened her eyes and quickly jumped up from the hotel bed not wanting to think about it anymore. He was gone and she had to keep moving. That was the way it had to be.

In the small bathroom mirror Sarah looked at herself. One of the straps from her white camisole fell to the side from the top of her shoulder. It was in great need of washing. Her long, dark brown, layered hair hung in front of her face and deep, dark circles invaded what were once her bright, vivacious eyes.

Homemade Iced Mocha

I'm making a homemade "Coffee Bean" iced mocha this morning, with chocolate & espresso beans that I purchased online. If I can't be in California, I'll have it shipped to me.  Not only does it taste awesome, but it is going to save me a buttload of money! That way I can buy other things.

I feel strange emotionally this morning, like anxious or expectant. Can't put my finger on it exactly. I know I'm bizarre, I just have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not a bad feeling necessarily, just a weird one.

Womanly Bargains

I feel like a girl today! No, scratch that, I feel like a WOMAN. Before you scold me for spending more money on myself, check out the DEALS I got! The purse (which I love, so shut up about the leopard print, I have only had a black leather purse for about 15 years and now I'm embracing my wild side) was regularly $40, and was marked down to $15, and the Sketchers (shoes) were regularly $55, and I got them for $20! Aren't they cute? Super comfortable, too.

I'm actually twirling! I want to kiss everyone! Not a good idea, but still. Now I need a night out on the town. Juice? Did you say something about $3 tini nights?

Oh! I almost forgot, my "Coffee Bean" espresso and chocolate powder came today in the mail, too! I think there's only like one thing missing from me being in utter orgasmic bliss!

Freshly showered and caffeinated.

I actually fell back asleep and had a *good* dream, this time. Much better.

The dogs were throwing a fit when I locked them up this morning. Holy GOD. I have to scream at the top of my lungs to get their attention. Which I'm sure the neighbors appreciate at 6 am.

Night Terrors

Just woke up from some terrible dreams. I used to think only kids dealt with that, boy was I wrong. It is horrible waking up in the middle of the night like this, feeling like this. Anyway, for anyone out there going through night terrors, I feel your pain.

On a side note, I let the dogs out to go potty while I was up, and I caught Louie licking the BBQ utensils. Nice. Eww.

Not the same.

It's not quite the same as lounging by the pool in California, but it's all I've got. What should I eat? What sounds good?

Lazy Relaxing

OK, there is a fine line between relaxing and lazy. Maybe I should just call it lazy relaxing. I do it well. I'm lying in the sun today while the weather is still nice, and I can hear all my neighbors mowing their lawns and tending to their outside duties. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher yet. I really need to organize my office, too, and my filing cabinet is busting at the seams with old papers, bills, etc. I need to invest in a shredder. But the sun is out, and I don't want to waste this precious time.

I watered my plants. There, I did something. Now I'm going to hose myself off, because I'm a little too warm. Hopefully no one is watching.

Big Efforts

I am making a big effort to do more nothing. More "Me" time. I'm splurging on another small glass of cognac and just lit my new outdoor candle. It's funky, I'm digging it. I'm thinking about doing some reading while the dogs are curled up next to me. I'm sick of just wasting my nights on crappy TV.

While out shopping the other day I ran across a really cool CD. It's called "Cabernet, Jazz from the Wine Bar". I listened to some samples and loved it. It is mellow, yet catchy and soothing. I'm changing in my old age, it is strange. Anyway, I think I'm going to play it to complete the ambiance I've got going on over here.