Monday, December 22, 2008

What in the hell am I doing?

This is the title of my post. It should be my mantra. Have you ever thought this? This is a daily conversation I have with myself. What in the HELL am I doing? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? This is not even close to where I thought I'd be at 37. Not that I thought I was going to be a rockstar, but usually people have SOMETHING figured out by now. Not me. It's not a midlife crisis - I don't need to relive my youth - I'm GLAD to be done with that. I've definitely gained some life wisdom, but I'm stuck. What now? I still need to move - not run - just move. I still have unfinished business. Sometimes I do the dumbest things, say the dumbest things, TYPE the dumbest things. But that's ok. Live and learn. You want to know something weird? I was in a pretty good mood today, then I went to bed and got all teary. The joys of being a woman I guess. I got up because I thought it was ridiculous - and now I'm writing, because that's what I do when I'm restless and twitchy. I write. The movie I just saw had a line in it that really got to me. It is what turned on the waterworks. A female in the movie said "My life has been unremarkable in every way." I feel like that sometimes. Life is not about money or success or things or fame, but people. It's about people. I wonder if I have had an impact on anyone, ever. I'm sure I probably have, but it still makes me wonder. Have I been too selfish? Too self involved to see others? I reach out a lot, but usually manage to push everything (everyone) farther away. That's probably why I like dogs. Crap, I don't even know where this post is going! LOL. I'm just blindly writing whatever decides to come out. That is the beauty of writing for me, to just spill out what is on the inside and try to make sense of it. I never really expected anyone to read it.

Are you content? I'm not. Is this all there is? What in the hell am I doing?

2 comments:

stick shaker said...

i am not content. nor do i know what the hell i am doing. and i am pretty sure i'm a rather selfish, lacking compassion kind of person. i really don't think very highly of myself. oh my goodness, this is turning into self loathing...stopping now.

Cheryl said...

I disagree - you have a big heart! You sound worse than me, girl. We need another night out...