Friday, October 31, 2008

Goodbyes are hard...

I have two weeks left, but everyone else had to leave today. Very sad.

It is an iced mocha and sausage bisquit with cheese from McDonald's kind of morning. I don't care about clogged ateries today. Or any other day for that matter. Fuck it - bring me cheese.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

You know what's fun to watch? Thelma and Louise. Sue me, but I love that movie.
So much to do, so little time, energy, money, motivation...

The phone interview went well. The lady interviewing me commented that she wasn't supposed to ask me "personal questions" but wanted to ask some (fun ones) and I said "sure!" and we chatted and laughed for awhile. I LIKE THAT! Job-wise they need a lot of controls established, which is my forte! I am supposed to be scheduled for a face to face interview in a week or two because the company is crazy-busy (good sign!) so they asked for my patience. I have none of that, but I am pleased with them so far, so OK.

I have never been so busy in all my life. Not even when I had 2 jobs and a scrapbooking business. Seriously. All I feel like I'm doing is running in circles. calls...paperwork...interviews...getting 3 months of work done in the next two guy coming tomorrow to get files off of my old fried laptop, taking the car in for work on Monday, training other people to do my work, buying another airline ticket to go to Cali to drive my mom back, going to those market research thingees where they pay you cash for your opinion, order dog food, call Cobra, call Fidelity, go get blood drawn, take dog to vet, AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Sympathy? Anyone?

This cold/flu thing I've got going on is kicking my butt. I've been upset and stressed out for so long that my poor little body just can't handle anything. I think we are designed to deal with 'spurts' of stress, not years. I went right to bed last night - no blogging, no TV, no answering the phone.

Anyway, I have another interview today and this is an important one. It is a phone interview, but I'm really interested in this job. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I finally got the cold everyone has. It's lovely. When I bend over, snot FALLS out of my nose. I'm miserable - and what terrific timing! It's fun how the older you get, the harder it is on you. I feel like I can hardly move - and everything seems surreal.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm waiting for the longest train in the history of the world.

I have an interview today. I'm all dressed up; hair in a french twist. I really hate interviews. I want to waltz in there and tell them just to save time because I can do this job in my sleep and no one else will be as accurate as my anal retentive, perfectionist ass who will make friends with everyone instead of piss off all the engineers like most people in my field do. I hate beating around the bush. Let's just get the job done. Instead I have to be all politically correct and sell my talents gracefully. Bah!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Got some interviews lined up this week. Let's see if any of them want to loosen the purse strings a bit.

I'm trying to pull up. It is hard watching your world crash around you. I am just so overwhelmed I can't even think. I have 2 audits to get my company through (just found out about a surprise FDA audit next week - neat) and some of my hopeful prospects are not living up to my expectations. I just can't even GUESS what my future holds right now. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I'm not exactly a Pollyanna kind of person. I'm a bit jaded. I call it realistic.

I got an email about a job in Colorado. Interesting. I'll think about it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I'm really, really down.

Zombie Denin!

What's your poison?

Ping Pong

We are all addicts







Amy & Hole
Well we had fun, I love my friends to death - especially when they are willing to drive so far out to see my craziness, but dude I feel like a geriatric. We were all yawning by 10 pm. LOL. I didn't drink very much, I'm feeling done with that too. I think this will be my last party. I do have some fun pics but I'm too tired - need bed.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Crazydogmama the vamp! A few pics of me getting ready. I need a good neck to nibble on...any volunteers??? Muwahahaha...
Have I mentioned how much work parties are? Holy crap!! No one better bail on me or I will hunt you down...

I've been working like a dog getting this place ready! It does look way cool if I do say so myself. There will be lots of pics - so you all who are invited better dress up or your un-costumed-ass will be plastered all over the internet. 8-)

Friday, October 24, 2008

It's all in the details...

and I haven't even gotten started yet...

Sneek peek at my party decorations later tonight...

Like my necklace?
I don't know what to do about anything. I can't work anymore today - I'm going home. I'm really sick of drama and chaos. I just want normal. For once in my life I just want normal. No one wants to pay worth a damn right now. I'm hoping for one thing to come through, but I don't know. Maybe I'll just be Bohemian again and wait tables and live in apartment. What do you think? No? Up all night, sleep all day? I told you I was in a crappy mood.

You know what strikes me funny right now? The illusion of control. If you think you have control of ANYTHING, you are fooling yourself. You have free will, but no control. Trust me. Like when you are driving a car. You can exercise your free will to follow the rules of the road, go the speed limit, wear your seat belt, and you "feel" in control of the car. But you could get sideswiped. A meteor could fall on you. A deer could run out in front of you. Then you would lose control...because you NEVER HAD IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. That works with any scenario I can think of. You came to my blog today. You were in control of where you surfed the internet, right? Wrong. You used your free will to come here, a decision you made, but what if there was an EMP and all of a sudden no internet was available? What if I deleted my blog? No control. Just free will to make decisions based on availability and other factors. And why did you come to my blog today? (Just my own curiousity...hehe) You have a weird free will. ;-)

Anyway, off of that rant...

I have decided that free will and decision making can suck sometimes. It would be nice right now to just have someone pointing me in the right direction. Petting my head and feeding me Bon-Bons. So much is at stake for me and I'm just pooped out.
I'm in a super crappy mood. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I don't want to do ANYTHING except sleep right now, and I can't. Sometimes I feel like crying because I'm so tired. Does that sound stupid? I'm tired of throwing up too. That shit needs to stop. If I am short with you today, don't take it personal.
Feeling better this morning - thank God because I have a Halloween party to throw tomorrow night! AAAHHH!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I've not been well today. I haven't kept anything down since after lunch. Must of eaten something bad. I've also been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Meeting with recruiters, phone interviews, emails - uuug. I'm also trying to get my work project done while all this is going on. Just trying to keep it together. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Maya Angelou


I was able to score a laptop. Like I said earlier, I have awesome people in my life. It's a Sony Vaio T5750 from Costco. The dogs were less than thrilled, though. LOL

And yes, that is a cauldron of candy next to the computer. ;-)

I'm laying in bed, not sleeping of course. So many things going through my head. When I blog, it helps me sort out my thoughts, even though I can't write all of them. It is like I'm talking to someone - an old friend or something. I don't really envision talking to the masses, but just one special person. That is why I make it personal. I am talking just to you. You and I, sitting and chatting. Want something to eat? I'm thinking of making a sweet pumpkin loaf. Then we could have some good coffee to go with it. Sound good?

Laying here feels different tonight. I feel slightly paralyzed, like something or someone is holding me down, or not allowing me to move much. I feel alone; empty in a way. I'm asking God what to do. Do I do the smart, rational thing and just take a similar job, or do I do something radical? Should I play it safe or risk everything? The world is a crazy place right now and I have some feelings about what will transpire (globally) before the end of the year. I think some may be very surprised. Risk is risky. But then again, no one gets out of here alive. ;-)

I have applied for some jobs in both Texas and California, and I have a pretty good prospect right here in WA, too. My friends, family and coworkers have been so great to me - I owe so many people my life, and I would gladly do anything for any of them.

The trouble is, I know what I want, but the decisions to get there can be tricky. And then there is this: is what I want good for me? Is there such a thing as destiny? Fate? I'm just an ordinary person, but these are things I ponder.

What would you do if you were me?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Everything is starting to sink in now. I'm not sure how to feel. I'm hopeful, but scared - doing alright, yet very sad. I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I was really strong at work, but now I'm intermittenly crying a little. So many unknowns is overwhelming. Over the last year I have been completely SLAMMED from any and all comfort zones. It's kinda weird.

This has all happened for a reason, I know that for sure.
I lost my job. I'm contracted thru the middle of Nov., though, to finish up some projects - and received an INSANELY awesome severence package because the company is awesome and they are devastated over having to do the layoffs.

I'm in good spirits, however, because some pretty great opportunities have presented themselves to me. I won't be able to talk about those right away of course, though.

Going home for the day to regroup.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Real quick...

I don't know anything yet. Big meeting tomorrow morning - I'll know then. Another fun night of wondering.

You know what? I'm ready for something good to happen to me. I really am. More than just my job scenario. I want to be happy for at least a little while. Please? God? Live in my dream for a day? or more?

Anyone catch the steamy sex scene in "True Blood" last night? Sookie and Bill finally did it. Hot!
Well, here I go. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. At a certain point I just shut off. You have to. Wish me luck.

I do wish I could talk to my dad right now. I don't know why I'm thinking of this, but I remember when I was first a cop - my dad was so excited. My mom was freaking out, but my dad was excited. He bought a scanner so he could try and listen to my radio calls. I was good on the radio, maybe I should do dispatch. Sadly, it's not enough money.

I have to git - you'll know when I know.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paying bills with Mr. Skeleton. How apropos, huh?
I'm very anxious tonight. I can't seem to get anything done or concentrate on anything. I'm on the verge of pacing.

Have you ever felt like something big was going to happen? Or have you ever wanted something so bad you thought you were going to break in two?

Can't follow my thoughts? Welcome to my world.

Someone come up with a caption for this one.

MOM! Get up aleady it's time for breakfast and if you don't let me out, I will pee on the floor!

What do you wake up to?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I'm feeling very strange tonight. I don't know if I'm afraid of the layoffs or if I'm afraid of being a Documentation Specialist the rest of my life. I have to make a certain amount of money to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, so it's not like I have some grand opportunity to reinvent my work life. If I do have to get back out there and interview - it won't feel exciting and new like it did back in my 20's. It will feel like I'm just searching for a new cube. A new commute. I work hard, I take pride in doing my best and I thank my Lord for each and every paycheck. I haven't been let down - I seem to always have enough, I think I'm just having a midlife crisis or something. I want (and try) to be optimistic and hopeful and positive, but honestly, I just wake up every day and try to make it through. It's no way to live, I can tell you that, but what do I do to change it? I've tried what seems like everything. Something is just missing.

I keep having the same dream over and over again. It is actually a wonderful dream instead of the nightmares I usually have, but the problem is when I open my eyes and realize it isn't real. And it's not something I can "make" real.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but thanks for reading all the same.

Goodnight my dear readers, even if I don't know you.
I just finished a really, really good movie. It is older, but it was a good time for me to see it. If you get a chance, watch it.

The Spitfire Grill

I'm never ever drinking that much again ever. I'm too old for that shit. I had to sit in my car until I was ok to drive, then later crash at my mom's because I have a headlight out and I live too far out. STUPID. I haven't done that in years and I forgot what a lightweight I was.

Now I get to clean the house with a hangover and wonder all weekend if I'll have a job on Monday. That is, if they tell us then.

I'm in kind of a bad mood so I'll blog later. I just wanted to let my friends know I was alive.

Friday, October 17, 2008

You know I'm drunk when I post the same pic twice. Shit, who's gonna drive me home...

Stand by....busy getting lit with my co-workers who may not be my co-workers on Monday. It's funny, they keep buying me shots but nobody else is having them...working with all men is fun. :-)
I have so many things to talk about and share, I don't even know where to start. Give me some time to think about it and collect myself. I'm SUPER busy right now with a side of insane, so be patient. Thanks. :-)
I learned this morning that washing your hands with toothpaste isn't the best idea. I was half asleep and I use mentadent toothpaste which stands upright just like my soap dispenser - which is right next to it. I'm just glad I didn't use soap to brush my teeth.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Haagen daaz can go to hell. They stopped making chocolate chocolate chip icecream. WHYYYYY??!!

I'm watching "Lake Dead" from Horrorfest 2007 to take my mind off of things. It would be NICE to have my favorite icecream, but noooooooo...

What a day. Let me see if I can describe it in short words and phrases: Limbo land, email insanity, phone ringing off the hook, need a cigarette, calm panic, ulcer, contacts galore, resumes, rumors, tired, hungry, headache, frustrated, AK47, rooftop.
I feel sick to my stomach this morning. I'm all in knots. It's really fun.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Just the little bit of traveling I did wore me the hell out. I got home and crashed. I am looking at everything I have to do, including the pile of bills I have to pay - which reminds me of my predicament. I need to figure out how to get a computer, and FAST.
I'm home. Flight was pretty uneventful except the ugly obnoxious kid sitting in front of me kept farting. It was BAD.

Back to work tomorrow; won't know anything until next week. Just going to kick back and relax the rest of the day.

No more fun Cali pics. :(

Getting ready to board. Fun fun fun. No crackberry for 3 whole hours! I'll get twitchy. Is it too early to drink?
I have to go home today and face reality. I haven't been on an airplane since 2001. I've heard it's changed a bit. Ug. I guess if I get laid off I can come back. :-)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I need someone to lay in the sun with. It's kinda boring by yourself. Way better than working, though.

You know what I like about California? Everyone is so friendly! I did a little shopping today and stopped to get a coffee while my mom was doing her errands, and I got doors held open for me by men (that is a BIG plus in my book), smiles from everyone I walked by, and had a fun little chat with the little barista girl who was as cute as a button. It all put me in good mood! Back home I might as well be invisible. Men let doors slam in my face and store clerks grunt at me even if I compliment them. When are people going to learn that NICE goes a long way? I give huge tips when my service is friendly. And it always comes back to you when you go the extra mile. Just my advice for the day.

It's hot! Finally! I ran upstairs to put my swimsuit on and promptly got poolside. My mom and I are going out to a nice dinner for my last night so I get to dress up. Well, not super fancy, but you know, put my hair up and wear bling.

Crazydogmama breakfast includes fresh squeezed orange juice (oranges right off the tree!) and an egg-white quiche fresh out of the oven! Yummers! Have no idea what to do for my last day, but it is going to include fun in the sun.
Can't sleep tonight. I can't complain, though, because I've had some of the best sleep here in the last few days than I've had in awhile.

I'm out on the patio off my bedroom gazing at the stars (and blogging). I am guzzling water, too - Carl's make me thirsty. Other than smelling the California fires in the distance, it is really nice out here. I can see Orion, and the Big and Little Dippers. I am surprised I can see the stars so clearly here. It is not as quiet as back home, but it is peaceful. I don't believe in Astrology, I actually think it's kind of dumb (sorry), but Astronomy fascinates me. I could look at the stars for hours.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now, and what I will be doing. It's scary and exciting to think about it. My mom said something along those lines tonight - she wondered what the next year would bring. She asked me what I was doing this time last year and one of the beauties of having a blog, I could tell her. I had just smashed my thumb into oblivion. LOL. I had no idea what was in store for me. Isn't it funny how you really never can guess what life is gonna do? Yes, it has been a tough year, and there are many people I miss, but there were some good things too. Some good things that changed my life. I didn't see any of it coming - but I'm glad about that. Bad surprises and good surprises. And many more to come.

Right now? I'm just trying to live in the moment.

Monday, October 13, 2008

You wanted to see more pictures of my feet, right? That's what I thought.

My mom went to bed and I've been left alone with my thoughts. I went out in the back yard and stuck my footies in the pool.

I'm thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm scared. Everyone keeps saying it will be alright, and not to worry, but I feel alone. It is hard to have hope sometimes; being human and all. There is nothing I can do about anything that is happening (or not happening) to me. I pray that God will give me peace regardless of where I end up.

Carl's Jr. for dinner. My eating is stellar these days. :-/

I'm sitting outside in the warm wind. There will be no skinny dipping at night this time - the pool is like glacier water. That would hurt if you know what I mean. LOL