I have good days and I have bad days. Everyone does, but when the bad hits, it really hits. The last few years have just torn my soul apart. Deaths, separation/divorce, and many other things - and I was already stressed, struggling and unhappy when the storm came and slammed my ass. One thing after the other...BOOM BOOM BOOM. I was doing pretty well there for awhile keeping myself together, but some 'challenges' have presented themselves of late and the few glimpses of hope for a couple of things I had, have died.

I walked through Costco today among the decorations, families and busy shoppers. I felt dizzy. I suddenly felt incredibly alone with 100's of people around. I felt small and invisible. I just told myself to breathe. "This too shall pass."

I'm just having faith that everything will be OK. You have to be happy with yourself before your life will start to take a good shape. I like myself - even when I'm a dumbass idiot fool, but sometimes life can beat you down a bit.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Here is my mom's little turkey with a little turkey boner! Haha...that's what I call it. The dogs are just waiting for ANYTHING to drop. It's not the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had, but I feel loved and warm. Got my fuzzy houseslippers on. I didn't cook this year for the first time in a LONG time - actually I haven't cooked much at all for awhile now, but I will again, I'm sure, if you know what I mean.

Happy Turkey Day to all who celebrate!

WOOF! From Louie and Maggie.

Crazydogmama wisdom: One of life's greatest accomplishments is being true to yourself. Ohers can let you down or betray you, but you can still walk with your head held high and a clear conscience. When you betray yourself, it is a prison. It is a deep emotional wound more so than when you are hurt by others or by circumstances.

Well I don't get to to Cali to be with friends for Thanksgiving because I don't have enough money for the last minute plane ticket and dog boarding. Just gonna be me and mom. Don't even feel much like eating. WOW I've never said THAT before. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

A list. I got a request for a list. I'll warn you though, I'm not feeling funny. The reality of my life has hit me recently, and the holidays are coming up. I will be spending them alone (unmarried) for the first time in 16 years.

Things I'm thankful for:
1. My mom who is always there for me.
2. All my friends who are always there for me.
3. My job.
4. My retarded dogs who keep me company.
5. God who keeps me going when I don't think I can.
6. Hope. You have to have it.

Things I am not thankful for:
1. The single life. It sucks. There is no 'honey', just friends.
2. Wasting half of my life and giving my all for nothing.
3. I'm going to have to sell my house. Gotta start a new life and I can't do that there.
4. Wearing my heart on my sleeve and always making myself vulnerable.

Well, at least my thankful list is longer than my pathetic list. :-)

I don't know what to blog about. Any ideas? I've got blogger's block tonight. Any more damn questions? (I may or may not answer...but give it a shot.) ;-)

I had a very troubling day today, as I often do. Earlier I wrote a very dark post and decided to delete it because there was no good in it and therefore worthless.

Instead, in light of recent confessions of my somewhat new single life, I thought I would leave this with you because many expressed concern (thank you):

When I was anguishing over heartbreak and lonliness, the Lord spoke this to me in His own special way. "You have followed me and done what you believed I said for you to do. You cannot control the actions of others. If they choose to go their own way, I still have wonderful plans for you."
#end

Answers to all your burning questions

Instead of answering all the individual emails, I told myself to just suck it up and take a risk by posting it. I've been trying to keep much of private life...well...private, but who gives a shit, right?

YES I am going through a divorce. NO it was not my idea. YES we are still friends, but he is with someone else now. It hurts, I don't know anyone who thinks divorce is fun, but I'm OK. I still, and will always care for him, but I've decided to reinvent my life and move on. My work is flourishing and I'm up for a possible promotion. I have a lot to give and I'm not worried about the future, in fact I can't wait to see what happens. That is all I am willing to share, please understand.

I got home from my trip safe and sound and am trying to figure out Thanksgiving. I was invited to California and I might just go and drag my mom with me. It would be a dinner with lots of great people and a helluva good time.

I slept for a good 10 hours last night since I only got about a total of 20 while I was on the East Coast last week. I had to go get a GOOD mocha this morning because holy shit NJ has no espresso and if you CAN find a place, it sucks! I went though withdrawal.

NY rocks! Me loves it!

It was so much fun, and quite hysterical. My boss and I drove over in our rental car and got LOST. I bet no one ever does THAT....HA. Even following Mapquest we found ourselves somewhere in Newark wondering how we did a complete circle while following the directions exactly. We finally just "winged it" and went with our gut, and when we found the Lincoln Tunnel we shouted with glee! Both of us raised our arms and yelled yaaaaaaay! I couldn't stop laughing.

I got vertigo looking up at all those skyscrapers! We were both like kids in a candy store running around in the dark. We didn't get there until about 8 something at night and didn't get back until 2 am. We spent our time at Rockefeller Plaza and went up to the "Top of the Rock" to the observatory. AMAZING. The pic of my boss crouching is because she is afraid of heights and it was funny to watch her attempt to look at the NY skyline at the top of the observatory. She was a tad nervous. LOL

We watched the iceskaters, we ate a hot dog and a gyro from a street vendor and purchased some goodies for friends and family back home. More than one weirdo approached us trying to sell watches, bags, etc. I got a great kick out it.

My phone died from taking pics (sorry all my pics are lousy) and so we didn't have directions home. We were tired and not quite as excited about that, but did figure it out. Everyone honks their vehicle horn in NY. EVERYONE. All the time. HONK HONK HONK. It was annoying at first then we just joined in for the heck of it. :-) Very different from home, but quite the experience! Had a blast.

I'm flying back tonight - hopefully it will be better than the trip here. UG.

I FINALLY went to NY!!! But, since it is 2 am here I'm going to bed. I will tell you all about it after I sleep.

Again a day goes by where I didn't get to go to New York. BAH! Too much damn work. I told my boss that if we didn't go tomorrow that I would quit. So we are going tomorrow. I gave her the 'face'. I have seen quite a bit of Jersey, however. That, and I've never eaten so good! I'm all about the food. Went to the Melting Pot. YUM. Dipping food in cheese and chocolate - how can than that EVER be a bad thing? This is my boss laughing because I do it wrong. I break all the rules. I leave the metal "rescue" spoon in the hot pot, I lose my food off the skewer, I double dip, I get it all over the front of me...she found it amusing.

Another funny story....

We were sitting in a deli for lunch (yes, we constantly eat) and someone asked for a pen. I went into my purse and dug one out. About 20 minutes later someone at the table starts busting up into laughter. I'm all wtf is so funny? She says "You look like a Smurf!" Apparently the pen was leaking blue ink, got all over my hands without my knowledge, then I proceeded to touch every part of my face. I had it ALL OVER ME. BLUE. IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY NEW JERSEY DELI.

The pic of me? I don't know. I get bored. What happens in Jersey, stays in Jersey.

One word for this place: ORGASM. If you like meat, that is - which I do. OMG, they keep bringing you skewers of meat for hours! My drink was some type of traditional Brazilian drink which tasted like a cross between a margarita and mojito with lime instead of mint. WOOO - can knock you on your ass if you aren't careful! The dessert cart, well, even though I ate more meat than my body could handle, I still made room for the best chocolate mousse cake I've ever had. I'm going to need to go buy new clothes for getting home because before this trip is over I'm going to have gained 10 pounds. They also played this fun live drum music which has your butt dancing in your chair. We were there for like, 3 hours.

So tomorrow we are skipping out of work early and hitting the Big Apple for a whirlwind tour. I instantly hit it off with a girl I'm training there, and her and her husband are going to show us all the good stuff/places. I can't wait!

OK where would you like to start? The machine that is supposed to spit out your boarding pass quickly and easily? Did not. I annoyed about 12 people. Not my fault. Had to wait 20 min. for someone to help me and she so happily says "oh here you are, just a glitch!". I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out. I about had a heart attack. I got to the gate, went to get a coffee with my boss, set it down, and when I turned around, my trench coat sent the coffee flying. Then, once on board, I promptly sat down, and my knee kind of went underneath the arm rest and a bunch of gum got all over my pants. I did get an aisle seat (yay!), but the beverage cart lady spilled OJ on me. I KNOW!

Then there were the old people I sat next to. Get this - they brought their own crackers with OLD, WARM, CRUMBLED BLUE CHEESE. Who brings that kind of stinky ass shit on an airplane?? OMFG it smelled like sweaty vomit feet. I thought bringing your own food was forbidden??

Once we got into the Newark terminal, we got to ride on one of those complimentary little inside cars because I'm telling you right now, I wasn't about to walk 20 miles to the car rental place. I am not exaggerating here, GEEZ! Then we got on the train/monorail thingee where we noticed a left behind sack. Oh crap! Bomb! LOL. I took a picture - see above. I also took a pic of my hotel room bed. Pretty! And comfy!

So yes, the East Coast has welcomed me. I'm too tired to write anymore, but we had a blast at dinner with our local coworkers. Brasilia. I'll talk about it later. Cool experience.

Newark here I come!
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Not sleeping. Which is good because then I will sleep on the plane. I'm a little keyed up. I will probably be blogging a lot and posting strange, stupid pics. I have no idea what to expect. I'm in unfamiliar territory.

Wow, I'm beat. Feeling a little strange. I ended up not eating any dinner on my birthday - just wasn't hungry. My new rule is that I only eat when I'm hungry. As it turns out, I haven't been hungry all that much lately. Which is strange in and of itself if you know me.

I'm getting my hair done early in the morning. I'm taking a big-girl trip and one must have good hair for that. I also have some new big-girl clothes to take with me. I think I'm all set - now I just have to figure out how to get all my shit in a carry-on bag. YIKES. It has to include my work laptop, all my clothes/toiletries, my hair straightener and my camera. Yeah I know, good luck with that.

Louie is Pouty McPitiful tonight. Mags is her usual self, but Lou is really in tune with me and knows something is up. I'm a little anxious I guess - flying, meeting new people, and some big tasks to accomplish.

Stay tuned - I think this blog will be fairly interesting over the next week.

Should I get an "I heart NY" t-shirt? LOL

38.

I'm 38 today. I am wearing my new leopard shirt, my obnoxiously big earrings and look stoned even though I'm not. I took a picture of myself this morning to mark the occasion. Birthdays have never been anything special for me. I mean, I've only had ONE birthday party bash in my life. That ONE was my 21st birthday a looooong 17 years ago. The last picture represents the evening. I am the one with my mouth wide open. (Are you even surprised?) Those are some old friends and people I worked with at the time. I was a waitress getting through college and getting ready to start the Police Academy. I was young and naive and an idealist. Now I'm old, wise and cynical as all hell. That day I didn't work. I remember getting up, getting all pretty, calling my boyfriend (I was dating one of the chefs at the restaurant at the time) and then heading out for quite a party! My friends paid for everything - my steak dinner, all my drinks (and there were plenty) and a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. It was so much fun - a time I'll never forget.

Today? Got up for work, got as pretty as I could, sat in traffic, and at 1:15 I have a doctor's appt. My honey is buying the fixin's, but I'm cooking us dinner. Gotta have my cajun prawns. And that's it. Last year I just cried on my birthday. A few people have wished me a Happy Birthday, and I have received some nice gifts, but all in all nothing really that exciting. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything (ok maybe a little), I thought I would just write about the jubilee that will [not] be. I guess the good news is that I kind of look the same in the face. I have a few crow's feet blooming and some creases around the mouth, but I have the same hair, less the bangs - and it's a little shorter. The body...NOT the same. I'm a hurtin' unit in that department. Oh well. Such is life. It's my own damn fault. Although now that I look at the pic closely, I was a little pudgy then - not quite at my best. I would still KILL to have that little pudge. *sigh* It was the beginning of the end...hahahahahahaha!

OK, enough of that shit. Happy Birthday to me! It is Crazydogmamapalooza today! You all better be nice to me. ;-)

Facebook

GEEEEZ! All you Facebook people have gone bonkers! I had about 400 messages and things to accept and apparently you can get to level 12 in "Mafia Wars" without even knowing how to play! LOL! I don't check my profile very often - perhaps I should. Then, as I am madly accepting Mafia gifts and whatnot, about 10 of my contacts are trying to chat with me at the same time. It was utter chaos...

I need a drink and a cigarette to recover from y'all....hehe.

Happy Veteran's Day to all you Veterans out there. THANK YOU for your sacrifices and courage so that people like me can be free to pursue happiness. Sometimes I wonder if we are truly worth it - there is so much ugliness out there. So much unappreciation.

Now that I'm done being a walking methane cloud...

I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to get ready for my trip. All the while, my dogs are eating weird mushrooms in the backyard and then puking them back up on the carpet, then getting into the leftover Halloween candy, then finding new places to pee and new ways to piss me off. Its like they KNOW I'm leaving. Now Louie is pouting in the corner. I've never seen such a pitiful face. If you could only see his face in the picture.

The MANWICH

*This is a very feminine post about farting and belching. If those things offend you, please keep reading.

So I have all of this hamburger meat in my freezer that I have to eat up. I thought, how about Sloppy Joe's? I haven't had a Sloppy Joe for like, 20 years. (I pride myself on NOT eating things out of cans.) BUT, I broke down my pride and used a can of Manwich sauce. BAD.IDEA. I have been constantly belching and farting for a straight 24 hours. I am NOT kidding. It is BAD. I can't even stand myself. I kept myself awake all night. I am thanking God that my officemate called in sick. It WON'T stop!! I am a normal person in this department normally, but crap on a cracker, I could've propelled myself to work this morning without starting the car! Beano does not work. Antacids do not work. I really need this to stop now. Thank you.

Aren't you glad you read my blog?

The Reason, a scarf and a hat

First, I'm listening to my iPod again, of course, and you know that song "The Reason" by Hoobastank? The lyrics are actually quite powerful in my opinion.

Tell me what you think. I'm interested in your thoughts.

Second, I just purchased the blue and black striped scarf and the white hat. I thought they'd be cute for the winter. Like them?

OK, it is that time of year when my Amazon wish list goes on the blog, you know, so you can buy me stuff. Oh come on now, don't be shy! You can send me a gift anonymously if you want! I don't mind! YOU could be my secret admirer! I'm not giving you my home address, but send it to my work!

Thanks in advance! ~ big kisses!

Crazydogmama

AAG. Went out with mom last night and fell asleep at her house! Didn't know where I was when I woke up! Gotta get home! LOL
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

New Nano iPod...new fireplace...
Happy girl I am! And it is not even my birthday yet!!

The house is wreck since putting the fireplace in - everything I own is scattered everywhere. It makes me nervous. I don't know why. Things are not clean or organized or neat and it makes me all twitchy. I don't seem to be in an all-out quick hurry to clean it though...

On my iPod, I have a VERY eclectic blend of music. Currently I'm rockin' out to "Mama Said Knock You Out". LOL I don't get into Rap generally, but I LOVE that song. I like Boxing too - probably why I like the song. Hey - rock with me...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7l250E5uM4

I know ALL the words and sing it out loud. With moves. It makes me feel all macho. It also raises a few eyebrows. hehe...

Dude! LL Cool J has some guns - damn!

"Mama Said Knock You Out"

Don't call it a comeback

I been here for years

Rockin' my peers

Puttin' suckers in fear

Makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon

Listen to the bass go boom

Explosion, overpowerin'

Over the competition, I'm towerin'

Records shock

When I drop these lyrics

That'll make you call the cops

Don't you dare stare

You betta move

Don't ever compare me to the rest

They'll all get sliced and diced

Competition's payin' the price

(CHORUS)

I'm gonna knock you out

Mama said knock you out

I'm gonna knock you out

Mama said knock you out

I'm gonna knock you out

Mama said knock you out

I'm gonna knock you out

Mama said knock you out

Don't you call this no regular jam

I'm gonna rock this land

I'm gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm

And I'm just getting warm

Just like Mohammad Ali, they called him Cassius

Watch me bash this beat like a skull

Dontcha know I gotta beef wit'

Why don't you rip with me, the maniac psycho

Cuz when I pull out my jammy, get ready cuz it might go

Blauh!

How do you like me now?

The reverend will not allow

you to get wit' Mr. Smith don't risk

Listen to my gear shift

I'm blastin', outlastin'

Colors like shaft, so you could say I'm shaftin'

Old English fill my mind and I came up with this funky rhyme

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Shadow boxin' when I heard you on the radio

I just don't know

What made them forget that I was raw

But now I gotta new toy

I'm going insane

Frontin' the hurricane

Releasin' pain

Lettin' you know

You can't gain or maintain

Unless you say my name

Rippin'

Killin'

Diggin' and drillin' a hole

Well I'll pass your goal

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Shotgun blasts are heard

When I rip and kill at will

The man of the hour, tower of power

I will devour

I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand

That I'm not your average man

When I gotta jammy in my hand

Damn

Ooh

Listen to the way I slay your crew

Damnit

Damnit

Damnit

Damnit

Destruction, terror and mayhem

Pass me a ....I'll slay him

Farmers (WHAT)

Farmers (WHAT)

Ready? (READY)

I think I'm gonna bomb a town

Don't you never, ever

Pull my lever'

Cause I explode

And my nine is easy to load

I gotta thank God

'Cause he gave me this chance to rock

Hard... knock you out

(REPEAT CHORUS)

It is official.

My ass is being sent to New Jersey/New York for a week to work. I booked my flight and Hotel and will arrive at Newark Airport on the 15th. Several things:

1. I am excited because I have never been to the East Coast and I will get to see (a little bit of) New York. The Mfg. plant is in Jersey where most of my time will be spent, but I will be DAMNED if I am not going to travel to NY when it is only 20 minutes away.

2. The only seats left on the airplane were middle seats. GOD.HELP.ME. (and the people next to me)

3. My boss is going with me and I told her that "All work and no play makes Cheryl a pissed off girl". (If you have ever read/seen "The Shining", you know what I mean here.) I said I wanted to see ONE thing in NY and have dinner. Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, whatever...but I HAVE TO see one thing. I may have to shop, too, but I'm not going to push it. :-)

4. Many photos will be taken, even if they are of my feet.

Thanks for the nice comments and emails, I thought I was talking to myself there for awhile! I like to blog, but you are all so quiet! I don't blog for comments, but its nice to know I have a few peeps. ;-)

I actually have lots to talk about, but my tummy is upset and I need to rest for awhile. I'll ramble a little later.

Just let me know you're out there once in awhile, K? I almost shut down the bloggery a couple of times because I started to ask myself why...why do I do this? I still ask myself that, but it is kind of cool to know people do read me. It is motivating!

Thanks again for speaking up and I'll keep up the freak show!

Would you miss me if I were gone?

Confessions

1. I don't always take my makeup off before going to bed.
2. I love to pop zits. Anyone's.
3. I love the smell of gasoline.
4. I have a hard time finishing books. I start one, then start another one, and so on and so on.
5. I used to be a neat freak, and suddenly I'm a slob and I don't care.
6. I have never thought that Brad Pitt was good looking. At all.
7. I get obsessive about certain things and I drive myself crazy.
8. I spend a shitload of money on expensive shampoo/conditioner.
9. I am very uncomfortable on airplanes and I'm wondering how much Valium I'm gonna have to take on the way to the East Coast. I'm not afraid it will crash - it is the small seat with too many people around.
10. I can't close a Ziplock bag to save my life.

I spent the day yesterday on the hunt for good veges to go with all of my meat! I went North to find the famous "Big Uglies". They are these mutant carrots that are the best carrots you will ever eat in your life! They are so sweet and full of flavor. You have to be quick, because all the stands sell out of them so fast. So here is the photo montage of my day. I brought Lou, who was a good boy. Mags can't go on outings like this because she has an anxiety disorder that makes her a complete nightmare in the car. I wanted to get one of those big jars of honey - but I would never eat it all. I ended up getting quite a few pounds of carrots, some minature sweet onions and some seasonal squash. Lou zonked out in the car on the way back - it was so cute. Making some homemade stew tonight with my veges and meat...

The best compliment of my life.

Apparently, my honey was talking to his good friend who I hadn't met yet, and trying to reassure him that he and his wife would like me. (We were all getting together for dinner.) He told his friend "If you don't like Cheryl, there is something wrong with you."

That made me cry. Somtimes it is hard for me to believe compliments about myself.

Work did the Halloween thing today (big party) so I threw on my Vampire outfit for the day. Let me tell you how fun it is to work in fangs! I have a good set - the kind that you get molded to your eye teeth and they look and feel real. (See my flicker account to your right for a pic of me wearing them last year.)

I was in a meeting with my boss and she started laughing and told me she couldn't talk to me seriously with me grinning at her with fangs on. LOL!

Just got back from dinner out and I'm sooo glad it's Friday! It looks like NJ/NY is a go - but we haven't sorted out the details yet. I'll probably be going the week of my b-day. That will be weird!

OH.MY.GOD. The new show "Modern Family" is totally freaking nuts. I was laughing so hard I was choking on my spit. Anybody watching it?

Late dinner. I was craving a Philly steak sandwich, and with the meat I have now, I made a good one! I have one third of a fresh steer from friends in the Okanagon (hence the mention in the previous post) and I swear meat from the grocery store will forever be crap now! This meat is absolutely delicious! No hormones and weird chemicals - it is sooo flavorful. It needs no seasoning! It came all neatly packaged and flash frozen. Had to get an extra freezer. There is enough meat in there for an army!! Won't be going hungry anytime soon. PETA eat your heart out! Haha.

I did not go to work today. My body/mind just couldn't do it. For the last 30 hours I have been relaxing and recouping. Lots of resting. You can only burn the candle at both ends for so long before you collapse. But I know my limits. My boss sent me a really nice email, and the dogs love it when mama is home - they don't leave my side. My sweetie took good care of me too - he brought me pizza and gave me meds. The perfect combo! Hehe. There may have been talk of me not working in the future. I'm not quite ready yet, but retreating further into the mountains (with satellite internet of course) does sound really nice. 20 acres of land in the Okanogan with a custom built house surrounded by the most beautiful landscape? OK! I don't know what the future holds, but I certainly have paid my dues. You don't wait for life to happen, you make it happen.

I'm leaving work early to go rest in the arms of a big strong man. I'm not feeling quite right and need him to take care of me today.

I was a little bit down today so I made some brownies. Some people eat icecream, I make a big batch of ooey gooey brownies with big chocolate chunks in it. Then, I stick my finger in it multiple times and eat half of the batter before I put it in the oven. Mmmmm. Some how I get it all over me, though. I have some sort of problem. I'm not messy with cookie dough, wtf?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

OK, now that I'm done with all the poop-scrubbing, here is a picture of the fabulous bracelet "R" brought me back from Hawaii. (My coworker) Also, my boss called me from NJ yesterday and said I might be going out there next Sunday. More to come once I know for sure, but I can tell you this - I will spend one day eating in and photographing New York City. Come hell or high water.

I just woke up to 20 piles of runny poop. (Maggie has the shits apparently) Almost stepped in it. Then the toilet backed up and overflowed. Then I puked.

It has been a SPLENDID morning.