I did it!

I just spent THREE days straight finishing "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" book before I went and saw the movie. I am a slow reader, but I ingest every word into my memory. The movie was good, but the book was phenomenal! The first third is back story, the second third is fascinating, and the last third explodes all over the place! Lisbeth is awesome. LOVE what she does to the rapist, and now that this idea is out there, every "rapist pig" better watch out.

Merry Christmas Eve!

OK, here's the scoop. Went to the doctor. She didn't seem alarmed, said it was probably an infection. I'm on antibiotics for now, getting a chest x-ray next week just to make sure, and going from there. I do not feel sick, and my lungs feel good as far as breathing goes, so hopefully it is just one of those things. Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers!

Vacation Day 1, Friday: Woke up at 11:30 am because I stayed up until 3 am the night before watching this awful, horrible, sad movie about this dog whose master dies and the dog keeps waiting at the train station for NINE YEARS for his dead master to come home who never comes home. It is a true story and there is a statue of the dog where he waited all that time. OMG, bring on the snot bubbles! No wonder I love dogs so much, what human has that kind of loyalty? NONE. But I digress, I made breakfast burritos, then my mom and I drove up to Cath's, went to dinner, then to a Christmas church thing which was really good, and I cried some more. I'm so freakin' sappy. In the middle of the day just before church, I got two panicked calls from two different coworkers in NJ. I helped them through a crisis and appreciated all the really funny banter that we shared about having no life and working all the time. I've been promised See's candy and cash transfers to my PayPal account for saving their butts and helping during my vacation. LOL! I told them just to forward nice emails to my boss and also Santa. I worked on their problem once I got home and finished at about 2:30 am.

Today I'm probably going to make some homemade hot buttered rum batter, bake some cookies, then maybe go over to Downtown Disney with the ma and have coffee and shop and look at all the pretty Christmas decorations.

OK I'm hungry, I gotta go.

At least it is a pretty Christmasy Red

So yeah, I'm coughing up blood. Neat. Here's a little piece of advice, don't look up symptoms you have on the internet, they tend to go to the extreme. Am I scared? Not really. It's probably something dumb like a broken capillary, but if it's not, well, then it's not. I'll deal. It's probably something I've brought upon myself. I have a wonderful little 11-day vacation starting Friday, and what I DON'T WANT is to spend all of it at the doctor. This kind of thing needs to happen when I don't have time-off already scheduled. Bah!  It tastes icky. I'd make a horrible vampire.

An answered prayer, and I didn't even know it!

A little while ago, October 17th to be exact, I wrote the following prayer down. I even briefly posted it on here, but then took it off. Can't remember why. I highlighted the last part, and if you read the post below this one that I wrote late last night (early morning), you will see that my prayer was answered about "being OK" with walking my road alone.

Dear God,

I'm sure you probably like it better when we pray, but I am a better writer than I am a pray-er. You know I fall asleep before I finish, and my mind wanders around on everything anyway. I'm more focused this way.

First, I want to thank you for all the things you have given me and all the prayers you have already answered. I am safe and warm, my bills are paid, I have a great job and for the first time in my life I have a savings account and money left over each month. I live in a beautiful house with a pool, you have averted me from cancer, and I have family and friends who love me. This is nothing to shake a stick at, I know. There was a time when I had no idea how I was going to get gas in my car and I was so stressed out and burnt out I thought I was going to have a stroke. This is a big difference, and I don't feel worthy of it, but thank you nonetheless. I'm sorry I haven't taken very good care of the body you have given me. I know the ailments I have are my own fault. I just ask for your help to change all these bad habits of mine.

There are so many people I want to pray for. Not just my loved ones, but for all the people who have touched my life. Stay close to them, even if they don't know you or have forgotten about you. Maybe they will feel you some day, like I do. You know all their names.

OK, here comes the hard part. I have got to be the worst so-called Christian who ever walked the face of the planet. I don't do anything right. NOT ANYTHING. No wonder you had to send Jesus. Here I am with this great life and I'm what? Sad. I have everything, and I am freaking sad. It's stupid, but I don't know what to do about it. You say in the Bible we are supposed to have joy, even in suffering. I'm not good at that. In fact, you could say I royally suck at it. I'm sad in suffering, and I'm sad when everything is fine. I'm SUPER good at doing the opposite of everything you ask of me, however. If you could forgive me, that would be awesome.

I don't know what you had/have planned for me to do, but I'm sure I'm not doing it. I want to change that. I want to do whatever it is I am destined to do for you, no matter how small. You will probably have to keep repeating yourself to me, though, because I don't listen well and I procrastinate. But you know that.

One last thing. It's about my heart. It is broken. Can you fix it? Maybe you have me slated to be this independent woman who doesn't need a companion, but if that is true, can you help me like it?

That is all for now. Thanks for listening. I love you. Good night.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Cher

SEE? It is important to write things down! Blogs are good!

Do you ever wonder?

Yup, I'm having one of those I-can't-sleep-and-feeling-a-dark-blog-coming-on kind of nights. I struggle with major depression and anxiety, and sometimes I'm just too tired to fight it. Although all my different shrinks have told me I'm not crazy or Bi-Polar or anything like that, I do suffer from a form of PTSD, which is ironic if you know anything about my life.

There are certain things that trigger my meltdowns and I've learned just to let it happen. You can't side-step it, run from it or ignore it. You have to just accept it and hold on for the ride. I'm not alone in this; almost everyone I know deals with "stuff". Young, old, middle-aged, male, female, doesn't matter. Life is funny that way, it is no respecter of persons. I am not special or extraordinary or any worse off than anyone else. And you know what? There is no passing the buck. My life is my own, and so is yours.  You can't blame your parents, God, the devil, bad luck, karma, your ex or your genes on how things turned out for you. Nope, you can't. You can try, but good luck with that.

Yes, some things happen that are out of your control, but how you deal with it is up to you. I am constantly trying to change my thinking and just surrender myself over to God, but it is HARD. Think about it though, how else do you develop character if you don't have to wade through the shit pond every once in a while? I will admit, sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing here. On Earth, I mean. I often want to die because I can't think of any reason to stay. But then I snap out of it and go have a cookie. In therapy, they always have to ask you if you are "suicidal" for obvious reasons. I always say this, "Yes, sometimes, but I don't think death is going to be any easier than life, so I realize there isn't any point." That always gets an interesting reaction.  LOL.

I actually do think there is SOME reason I am still alive and kicking, why God hasn't given me the pink slip just yet. Hell, if I know what it is, but yeah.

Here is the weird part. I *am* starting to change. I used to be this dating machine, excited and exasperated all the time trying to find some great guy. The last date I was on was August 27th, with John. I've been asked out several times since then, and even had dates scheduled with different men, but for some reason I stopped emailing back, didn't return phone calls, and cancelled dinners. It all of a sudden just didn't seem that important anymore. About a month ago I was looking at my credit card statement and saw all the recurring online dating site charges. It was a lot of money. I cancelled them all that day. I am still a member of one, a free one, but I only check it if I get an email, and 99.9% of the time I do not respond for some reason or another. John still sends an occasional text wishing me a happy birthday or some such thing, and I still hear from Joe every once in a while. Other than that, I'm just meandering about. I don't know if there will ever be someone else. And I'm not really sure I care. But this is not the source of my depression, it never has been.

Wow. I'm putting myself to sleep, so I'm sure I lost you awhile back. I'm gonna shut it now and go lie down. Gotta try and turn it off for a few hours, must work tomorrow.

Making Memories

Cath helping us make jam cake.

Mom got me an espresso machine.

Christmas decorations.

All the pups in one photo.

Santa Visits a Wee Bit Early

The kids are flying back to Seattle for Christmas, so we did our celebrating with them this weekend. We had the new traditional Christmas dinner of pizza and spaghetti with meatballs from Biagio's because Crazydogmama's ass is kicked. Then, we opened the pretty presents and watched a movie. Grandma and Auntie Cathy pooped out early. It is getting awfully chilly here for SoCal and it is actually feeling a bit "Christmasy" this year. The pool is 53 degrees and the poor pool heater just looked at me and said, "I don't think so".

Red Bull Tastes Like Feet

Bleck! That stuff is NASTY! I am so sleepy today that I fell asleep in my car at lunch. We have Red Bull in our vending machines for 25 cents, so I thought what the hell. I want my 25 cents back. I am going to hurl.

The Mystery of the Kleenex Box

OK. I keep a Kleenex box on my nightstand on my left side. It is always there; I never move it. Maggie cannot reach it. A few nights ago, as I was finally starting to drift off to sleep, I hear an awkward and slight "thud/crunch". I thought it was probably my cell phone falling off the bed (yes, I sleep with it, shut up), as it often does, but I felt around my pillow for it, and there it was, untouched. Curious, I got up and switched on my lamp. The Kleenex box was on the RIGHT side of the bed on the floor. It was not there when I got into bed. I no longer thrash about after getting into bed due to my new awesome memory form mattress, there is nothing to set it onto on the right side, and there is no way for it to get over to the right side without SOMEONE MOVING IT. I did not move it, Maggie was under the covers, and the fact that I heard it landing on the floor means it got there BY ITSELF. I even asked my mother if she had been messing with it and she swore she hadn't touched it. I'm a little creeped out and thinking maybe I should lighten up on the horror movie watching before bed.

Christmastime and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

This is the first time I have decorated for Christmas since 2006. It was done for me in 2007 when my dad passed, I just went through the motions in 2008 and then my life fell apart further as you long time readers know, and I just sort of "skipped over" Christmas as best I could. Not this year! I spent all of Saturday decorating, drinking spiked eggnog and listening to Christmas music with my two moms and all the puppies. Magadog, Molly and Cath's dog Saydee. Good times. My mom carried on our tradition of getting a new ornament each year, and she got this really pretty Mickey ornament from Disneyland for us. You would all be proud of me, I LET OTHER PEOPLE HANG ORNAMENTS ON THE TREE. This was a big step for me, I guess all the therapy has paid off.

Late last night as the wind was kicking up and it was cold out, I curled up with Magadog and my new book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Everyone I know has raved about it, so with the movie coming out on the 21st, I thought I would get it read.

Eggnog Lattes and Chocolate Whoopie Pies

These will be the end of me. Any and all healthy living progress has been squashed into oblivion for the moment, and I blame Starbucks. Maybe I should just open up my own coffee shop and call it CrazyDogMama's? This would solve so many problems, except of course my weight problem. But still.

Turkey Day Success!

I was the sole chef for this year's Thanksgiving, and for a record number of people, SEVEN. Bill (my stepson), Robby (Bill's best friend), Erica (Bill's girlfriend), Mom #1, Mom # 2, Mom # 2's son's girlfriend Lisa and myself. The most I had ever cooked for previously was six, and that was with help. I did it! We had crab/artichoke dip with baguette, and salami, cheese, and crackers for appetizers (and champagne). I got Java Chip Haagen Dazs ice cream for those who don't like pie (me). I had to cook the turkey the day before, because we did turkey AND ham because Erica hates turkey, and there was no way to cook that much stuff in one small oven in one day. I also prepped most of the side dishes on Wednesday so I wouldn't have a full-on panic attack on Thursday. I also cleaned and did last minute shopping and hurt my back. AGAIN. (Thank God for muscle relaxers and wine.)

Kids drove down Wednesday night and we all chatted while I chopped. Thursday was a fun-filled day of food, drink and laughter. Our new tradition for "Black Friday" is Disneyland, starting last year and continuing this year, however I completely pooped out at 4 pm and went home and took a nap, then went back at 9 to pick up the kids. I'm old! But instead of going home, they made me go see Paranormal Activity 3 again because it was essential that we see it together. OK. Fine.

Saturday the kids helped me put up the Christmas Tree and then I kicked them out so I could sleep for the next 30 hours. Which I did.

Yes, I am FINALLY posting!

Best Birthday EVER! My very best friend on the planet (Jenny) from Seattle, flew down last Friday night. My two moms and I picked her up at Long Beach airport and since it was almost 10 pm, we decided we needed pie and coffee to keep us awake! After we got home, the appletini's put us to sleep.

Saturday, on my actual b-day, we spent a few hours down at Laguna beach goofing off, eating and buying a bunch of stuff we didn't need. Funny story. We had decided to get a coffee and share a chocolate croissant, then walked over to some benches that overlooked the ocean. A bunch of birds flew down around us and I (stupidly) picked a small piece of my croissant off and fed a pigeon. Then, suddenly, a HUGE seagull swooped down and grabbed MY ENTIRE HALF CROISSANT RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND. I was all WTF just happened? Jenny was rolling.

That night we went to BJ's Brewery for dinner (I had a Maui glazed pork chop) and went back the house for ice cream cake and lemon drop martini's. What? They totally go together!

Sunday it was Disneyland time. We went from acting 40 to acting 4. OMG, so much fun. Lasted almost 12 hours. We got soaked on Splash Mt. and the Grizzly River Run. Jenny got it the worst.

Monday, we slept in, I made eggs benedict (of course) which we ate outside on the patio and just hung out. I had to take her to the airport at noon, so the rest of the day sucked after that and now we are all pouty. The end. Absolutely nuts at work. I want Jenny back.

My New Favorite Word

I had an email conversation going with a co-worker in NJ today, and he used the word "assholular" in a sentence. I rolled.  I love new words.

Playing Catch Up

Holy cow. Busy. In the middle of selling the WA house (finally!), work is crazy, had a coworker friend from Seattle come stay with me last weekend, fun! Lots of wine! Next weekend I turn the big 4-0, and my very best friend in the whole wide world is coming to visit for 4 days! I can't wait. All this girl-time has been really good for me!

I also got a new bed. It is a Serta i-Comfort, which is similar to a Tempur-Pedic, but made with gel inside the memory form instead so you don't experience the hot/cold fluctuations. LOVE.IT. Worth all those pennies, and there were a LOT of pennies. I can finally sleep through the night.

I'm sure I will have tons of pics to share from all my adventures of late, but I haven't had time to download them. The kids are coming for Thanksgiving again, and I'm cooking this year! AAAAHHHH! And Christmas is coming, and holy crap there is never enough time for anything!

Never Argue with a Woman

One afternoon, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

"Good Afternoon, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book", she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you", says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Acupuncture WORKS!

My back has noticeable improvement already, after only ONE session! It was a strange experience, but the girl said my body was reacting strongly. (I was dizzy briefly, my teeth chattered yet I wasn't cold, and I broke out in a cold sweat.) But afterwards, I had minimal back pain and my blood sugar had dropped about 30 points, which is good since I'm a borderline diabetic.

 
I bought 4 sessions, so I'm thinking good things will emerge! In between sessions, I was given Chinese herbs and ear "points", these little seed-like things (3 on each ear) that I massage 3 times daily for nerve stimulation to a certain part of the body. This is some weird shizzle, but I have to say I feel better!

Giada is my hero!

What do you do in your spare time?  I watch Giada on the Food Network. Everything I have EVER made from her cookbooks always turns out AWESOME. WAY yummy stuff! One of my favorites is her Veal Marsala, OMG. But there are so many things I still need to make & try. She made these biscuits on the episode I watched last weekend, and DAMN, just watching her make my mouth water and my tummy growl. Must. Make. Now. Biscuits go with everything, and I can't think about anything else. I'm trying to decide what kind of jam to put on them, and whether or not I should make eggs, too?

Pancetta Biscuits by Giada De Laurentiis

Biscuits:

• 1/4 pound pancetta, diced
• 1 (8-ounce) box store bought biscuit mix
• Buttermilk (in place of the liquid in the boxed biscuit mix recipe)
• 1/4 cup shredded Fontina

Cinnamon-sugar butter:

• 1/2 vanilla bean
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
• 1 stick butter, at room temperature

Directions:

To make the biscuits: In a sauté pan, heat the pancetta over medium-high heat and cook until crisp, about 5 minutes.

In a large bowl, make the biscuits according to the box instructions, using buttermilk instead of the suggested liquid. Gently stir in the pancetta and the cheese.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Spoon the biscuit mixture onto the baking sheet and bake according to box instructions. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

To make the cinnamon-sugar butter: Cut open the vanilla bean lengthwise. Using the back of a knife, scrape along the inside of the vanilla bean to collect the seeds. Scrape vanilla bean seeds into a small bowl. Add sugar and cinnamon and stir to combine. Stir in the butter until well blended. Transfer to a serving bowl.

Serve the biscuits on a platter with the cinnamon-sugar butter alongside.

What do you get...

...when you cross a cranky CrazyDogMama with a jerk? A jerk with a limp.

It's almost getting funny.

I am such a mess; I have now hurt my back. I was playing on the floor with Maggie, and I tweaked something. Ever since, I can barely walk. I have to hold on to furniture and walls to get anywhere. I'm sitting here at work with a hot pack and my feet up looking retarded. I'm afraid I'm going to fall down and not be able to get up. I am so sick of doctors I could scream! What am I gonna do with myself?