ANOTHER Breakdown

I am having a nervous breakdown. No joke. I have been trying to stay upbeat, but the truth is I am not well. For the longest time now I have managed to keep it together and move forward despite what came at me, but the last few weeks have kicked the shit out of me. I can't go into detail but I'm worried about my job, I am worried about my health and I can't do this anymore. The pressure is intense and I don't know which will come first, me collapsing, getting fired or just giving up. I can only take so much. I am losing my cool and now I'm starting not to care. I've never done that, NEVER. Dangerous territory. I think I'm just burnt out and tired. There doesn't seem to be any break; the crap doesn't let up. I have been beat up one too many times. I asked for help today, but there is no help. I can't seem to muster up any faith this time. What the hell happened to me?

I was supposed to go out tonight with my friends and instead I came back to the hotel because I can't breathe. Literally. I just crawled into bed and stared into space. I am systematically losing everything, including my mind.

In Seattle for the week

Flew in last night and I'm staying at the coolest place called "The Edgewater". Travel stories later, pics for now. I have a bear table!

Dinner and a movie

Made stir fry and watched the whole nine yards. Such a funny flick. There are so many other things I need to be doing but screw it, life is too short.

When a date gets cancelled, go shopping.

He cancelled, sick. He emailed the cancellation and asked if he could see me before I left town (business trip). I said no. I have plans tomorrow night and then I leave Tuesday night, and if he is sick, I don't want it. He is going to have to wait, I guess. So, with the day free, I went to Chico's. I bought stuff, the stuff I posted a pic of awhile back. I am slowly replacing my entire wardrobe, nothing fits anymore! Too big! I also got a new phone, a "Droid 2". No more Crackberry. (Except my work phone is a crackberry.) I love it so far! I've decided I want an Apple iPad now. I will put the hint out to Santa.

Third Date

I'm going out on a third date with David tomorrow. I have no idea what time, where or what we are doing, but yeah, I accepted the invitation. Should I just bash my head into a wall now? Yeah, I'm in a pissy mood. Actually I've been pissed off for about 2 straight weeks. At everything. Can't pinpoint the exact reason.

The little things.

Halloween nails and new blingy flip flops. The little things in life make me happy.

I need a vacation so bad. I am burnt out.

Not this Girl

Well it looks like I will remain a respectable girl for now. As nice as he is, I don't do games or waiting around bullshit. He seems to think dating revolves around HIS timetable. Um, NOPE. Seeing him once every 1 to 2 weeks and not knowing when the next date will be until the night before doesn't work for me. I am busy too, and I don't ask how high when he says jump. No in-between phone calls and only a short email here and there, does not scream "really interested" to me. So, he may be SOL, I have a drawer full of toys. LOL. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect some puppy dog following me around, but come ON, a little enthusiasm please. Geez.

I just got home from work. I got into an argument with my boss (not good) and if my house was already sold, I probably would have walked. I'm so tired of everyone's shit. I am good at what I do and I'm sorry, I'm too old to kiss anyone's ass or be condescended to. One of my "boys" overheard the argument and went out of his way to tell me I was the best boss he has ever had and "wasn't just saying that". So, I guess if I get fired for not backing down, at least I know someone appreciates my demand for quality.

Enjoying SoCal

Man Brain

I swear I was born with a man's brain. I am getting wined and dined, doors opened for me, led into a room, all the things a girl wants a guy to do, and what is going through my head? SEX, SEX, SEX! Day and night. It is driving me batshit. If only he knew. LOL.  Maybe I should tell him, something tells me he'd be OK with it. Ha. I want to take the flowers he is handing me, smell them, then throw them behind me and push him down on the ground. What is wrong with me? I am trying to be a respectable girl, but I don't know how much longer that will last.

After all the deaths in my family and my divorce, the doctor had me on all kinds of pills. Anxiety pills, depression pills, you name it. I HATE pills. About a month ago, I chucked them all into the garbage. Quit cold turkey. I guess they were keeping the beast within at bay; that numb feeling, because it is unleashed now, and I am like a walking porno.

Downtown Disney

It is a beautiful evening. I am sitting at an outside coffee/bakery shop in Downtown Disney listening to a really good acoustic guitar band with Mom. Lights and palm trees, the band is playing Beethoven's 5th with a flamenco flair. I feel like dancing.

Out and About

Busy weekend and I'm not done yet! Saw the kid off to college Friday morning in Hollywood (took the day off work), went to the Kings game Friday night (a blast!), went on another date with David on Saturday which resulted in a romantic interlude down at Dana Point ;-) and I am at a champagne brunch down at the beach currently. On my way to Disneyland for a few hours then I'm not sure what. I'm taking a business trip to Seattle at the end of October and am looking forward to seeing my friends.

I have a ton of pics to share but I haven't been home to download them!

Go LA Kings!

I'm at a hockey game. I love me some Jack Johnson! More later.

The TO DO List

1. Find a way to sell my house because then I would actually have money.
2. Get my Cali driver's license. The last appointment I had I missed because I circled the parking lot for an hour trying to get a parking space.
3. Find out why my shoulders hurt and get then fixed so I can join the local boxing club and make them hurt again.
4. Find a way to get my backlog caught up at work without killing myself so everyone will shut the fuck up and I can have a life.
5. Go to tbe dentist.
6. Give the pups a bath. Stinky little fuzzbutts.

I like to breathe.

But make no mistake, I'm not holding my breath.

Coffee Date

Well I went on my coffee date today despite my not wanting to date anymore. It was actually very nice. He is a nice man. We met up at a quaint little coffee shop at Laguna Beach. It was gorgeous outside and we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean drinking our coffee. We talked for 2 hours. He asked if he could see me again and when I said yes, he got a big smile on his face. When we said our goodbyes he gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek. Very sweet.

No more online dating!

My therapist (who I have to talk to on the phone with now because he is in WA) has declared, "No more online dating for you." LOL! I have to say I agree. I will not be renewing. This is insanely stupid. I will just have to hope to meet someone the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, all I do is work and come home so that will be difficult, but I need a life anyway. He asked me what some things are I would like to do for self-fulfillment and my answer was digital photography classes and maybe volunteering with a local Cairn Terrier rescue group. So perhaps I will look into those things rather than spend hours online.

Thank you.

Oh also, before I forget, to all of you wonderful people who have been leaving your kind and encouraging comments, thank you. It means a lot to me and I apologize for being lax in my response. Thanks for putting up with my crazy venting and complaining. ;-)

Ketosis

Seven days in Ketosis and I'm down 7 pounds. I feel great! 57 pounds total! This is amazing! I am going to get to my goal weight fast and I really never thought I could. The down side is stretch marks. UG. No bread, no potatoes, no sugar, no dairy, no alcohol, no cheat meals. It isn't as hard as I thought! Once you get to your goal weight you can go back to a normal, balanced diet and then just do "maintenance" ketosis once or twice a year for a few weeks to detox. Totally doable.

The new guy I've been talking to asked me out for coffee so we will see how that goes. OMG this blog is turning into the Jerry Fucking Springer show.

I'm trying to get back up on the horse.

I have been talking with someone new and he is much different. A little older, sophisticated. Refreshing. Not boring, but not too intense either. I am guarded, but not bitter. He is local. I give up on trying so hard and have decided to just "be". I just hope I don't have to notify the authorities about my online liasons anymore. UG

It has been pouring here the last few days. Feels like home! LOL. I miss my nightly swims though, a little too chilly. I miss my Ma, too. She is coming back Saturday! She keeps me laughing and makes me go outside. Hehe. I tend to isolate when alone.

Scammer

I was right. He is a scam artist. I took care of the situation. He won't be calling anymore. ;-) How do these people find me?